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NARRATOR:
Previously on Two and a Half Men:
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MAN:
- Now come to be joined.
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Rose and Manfred...
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She's really doing it.
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- Rose is getting married.
- And we're clear.
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Yep. That ought to do it.
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Thanks, Freddie.
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Who moves you, Rose, him or me?
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- I love Manny.
- Fine. You just say the word and I'll go.
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- Time's up.
- Mm.
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I am willing to let you
get in on the ground floor...
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00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,876
of an amazing business opportunity.
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- How much is this gonna cost me?
- Five thousand dollars.
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Okay, I'll give you the 5 grand,
knowing that I'll never see it again...
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00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:39,913
and wishing that it was you.
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- How much?
- I think I'll need...
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- Ten thousand dollars.
- All right.
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- Although I could make due... All right?
- How much are we talking about?
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- Fifteen thousand.
- Hang on, I'll get my checkbook.
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Tell you what. Let it ride.
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Really?
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A 20 percent return
in a couple of weeks? Come on.
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So, listen, can anybody
get in on this deal of yours?
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You ask for money
and they just give it to you.
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And then you take
the new money and use it...
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to pay back some of the old money,
but they don't want it back.
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And they give you more.
Because they're greedy.
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Oh, God, what have I done?
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Hi. I'd like a Jumbo Jack
and an apple turnover.
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[WINDOW OPENS]
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Do you want fries with that?
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Sorry. I didn't realize
there was anybody in there. Um...
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Bless me, Father, for I have sinned?
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Are you asking me or telling me?
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Telling you? I'm sorry.
I'm just not really sure of the rules.
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When was your last confession?
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Oh, wow, let's see. Uh, that would be...
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Never?
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- Are you even Catholic?
- No, but I'm a big fan.
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The costumes, the music,
um, crackers and wine.
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That's the body and blood of our savior.
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I know. Mm-mm, good. Ha, ha.
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You guys ever think about putting that
in supermarkets like a Lunchable?
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What can I do for you, my son?
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Oh, right to it. Heh.
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Okay, just to be clear,
what I tell you is between you and me.
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And the Lord.
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Sure, but I'm not worried
about him blabbing. You, I just met.
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Couldn't pick you out of a lineup.
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Whatever you say here is confidential.
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And I just drank a huge Arnold Palmer,
so could you get to it?
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Absolutely, absolutely. Here it is.
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Do you know what a Ponzi scheme is?
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- I do. Are you an investment banker?
- No, I'm a chiropractor.
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A chiropractic Ponzi scheme.
Okay, you piqued my interest.
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Okay, long story short, I chiseled
my family out of a lot of money...
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they're never gonna see again.
- You're feeling guilty.
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Bingo. Hey, bingo. Ha, ha.
That's your racket, right?
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Yeah, that's us.
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You gotta like a God that's willing
to put the hustle on old ladies.
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Arnold Palmer's on the 18th hole.
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Right, right, sorry, sorry.
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So I was hoping
that you could forgive me.
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Are you prepared
to make restitution...
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and confess what you've done
to your family?
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Oh, God, no.
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I was hoping you could give me
a few Hail Marys...
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and I could make a donation
to the Church's legal-defense fund.
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Win-win.
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That's not how absolution works.
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You have to make an act of contrition
and then do penance.
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- Do I get to keep the money?
- No.
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Ah.
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Uh, you know what?
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I'm just gonna mosey over
to Temple Beth Shalom...
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and see what their deal is.
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I'll get back to you.
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Oy vey.
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[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN"
THEME]
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Wow.
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Yeah.
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That was incredible.
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More than incredible.
It was transcendental.
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This is where I was always meant to be,
Rose. Right here in your arms.
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I'm so glad to hear you say that, Charlie.
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Now get out.
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- So soon?
- Manny will be home any minute.
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But I wanna cuddle.
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You want us to get caught?
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This isn't fair.
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The two of us sneaking around
so we can spend an hour together.
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Well, what can I do? I have a husband.
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Let's go away for the weekend.
Just the two of us.
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Where?
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I don't care. Someplace where we can
walk down the street holding hands.
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Where we can laugh, play,
yell at the top of our lungs...
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and not care who hears.
- So Disneyland?
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I was thinking more in terms
of someplace with liquor, but...
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That's Manny's car.
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- I didn't hear anything.
- It's a Prius.
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Just think about it, okay?
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A romantic weekend
with nothing for us to do...
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but make love and be together.
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And, you know, drink.
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Yay.
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After all these years,
I finally get a weekend with Charlie.
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Did you hear that, hubby?
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Up top.
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Think, damn it.
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There's gotta be a way
to lose the guilt and keep the money.
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There is.
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You've made
enough trouble for me already.
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Quit your bitching.
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And for God's sake, stop washing
your hands like Lady Macbeth.
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- I have to wash my hands. I just peed.
- So?
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So, what if I don't wash
and then shake somebody's hand?
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Screw them.
They were probably picking their nose.
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Now listen to me.
You've gotta grow a pair.
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Ah. I've got a pair.
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You've got a pair of panties.
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ALAN:
You can't talk to me like that.
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And stay away from that darn priest.
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I need somebody to talk to.
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That's what I'm here for.
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Dad?
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Hey, buddy.
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- Is there somebody in there with you?
- Oh, no. Nobody but me. See.
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Then who were you talking to?
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Oh, uh, I was just singing.
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That wasn't singing.
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Who are you, Simon Cowell?
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- What do you want?
- I need to borrow 50 bucks.
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Oh. Oh, sure.
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Me and Eldridge went to visit this friend
of ours who's in the hospital...
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but he forgot his book on the bus, so
I lent him mine but he lost that one too.
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I have to buy two math books
because he's broke.
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And there's this big math test coming up
and we were gonna study together for it.
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Oversold it, didn't I?
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[CHARLIE CHUCKLING]
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- What's funny?
- Rose is at a party with her husband...
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and she's sexting me
from under the table.
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Sexting?
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It's like regular texting,
but, you know, dirty.
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- Hmm.
- You see, that's not a smiley face.
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Charming. Um...
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I need to talk to you about something.
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Yeah, sure. What's up?
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[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
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Oh, you bad girl. Ha, ha.
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You know that money you gave to me
to invest in my business?
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Yeah, what about it?
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Well, here's the thing.
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I know I said
I was gonna buy advertising...
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I told Rose
about how well you're doing for me...
155
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:02,789
and now she wants in.
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- She does?
- Oh, yeah. And she's loaded too.
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Huh.
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00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:11,111
- So, what did you wanna talk about?
- Uh...
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Just that we're making money
up the wazoo.
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So you're gonna need a bigger wazoo.
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That's great.
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[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
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[CHARLIE CHUCKLES]
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Man, she's not wearing
any underwear.
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She texted you that?
166
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Sent me a picture.
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Excuse me, but I gotta respond.
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Uh, let me just give you some privacy.
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Where are you going?
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Who's gonna take the picture?
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So, Rose, I appreciate your interest,
but things are going incredibly well.
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Yeah, I can barely handle
the volume of patients I have now.
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Really?
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Thirty thousand dollars?
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00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:57,949
Take it. Take it.
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Shh, shh.
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00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:00,429
We can get a new car.
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00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:03,319
Maybe one with a working radio
and brakes.
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00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:05,309
You know what, Rose?
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00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:09,792
We've been friends a long time,
so I'm gonna make an exception here.
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Ha, ha. You're welcome.
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Can you wire the money over today?
183
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,029
I can give it to you right now.
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00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:19,188
Whoa.
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00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:21,157
You surprised me. Ahem.
186
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,197
Oh, Alan, Alan, Alan.
187
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:24,628
What are you doing?
188
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:27,798
Oh, uh, what do you mean?
I'm just taking a break between patients.
189
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:30,993
Oh, uh, uh...
190
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,355
Chiropractic x-ray glasses.
191
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:37,671
Cutting-edge stuff.
192
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,990
Oh, please.
There's nobody in the waiting room.
193
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,758
You don't even have a receptionist.
194
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:43,797
Oh, she's off. It's a Jewish holiday.
195
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:45,189
Which one?
196
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:48,755
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
197
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:51,955
What are you doing here?
198
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:55,237
Did you think I was gonna invest
without doing my due diligence?
199
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,231
Everybody else did.
200
00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:00,279
- Now I know what's really going on.
- No, you don't.
201
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,158
You're stealing from your own family.
202
00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,999
Oh. I guess you do.
203
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:08,308
Shame on you.
204
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:14,030
A whistle-blower.
205
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:17,194
This could be problematic.
206
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:24,837
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
She's gonna tell Charlie.
207
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:28,709
Charlie's gonna tell Mom,
then Berta, then Herb, then Judith.
208
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,440
Oh, my God, Judith.
209
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:35,915
Gotta be something that I can do.
There's gotta be.
210
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:39,390
You're on the toilet, why don't you
whip out your lady parts and tinkle?
211
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:41,391
You. This is all your fault.
212
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:46,072
I didn't hear you bellyaching when
you were watching 3-D beach babes.
213
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,435
Excuse me, but I am about to go to jail.
214
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:50,875
You know what happens
to slender fellas in jail?
215
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:53,554
They usually hang themselves
after their first shower.
216
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:55,709
But relax.
217
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:57,996
Rose ain't gonna tell nobody nothing.
218
00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:01,197
Way I see it, you've got
as much on her as she's got on you.
219
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,350
You're right.
She's cheating on her husband.
220
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,795
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
221
00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:09,199
She tells on me, I tell on her.
222
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,237
Crisscross, apple sauce.
223
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:13,833
I got nothing to worry about.
224
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,798
Herky-jerky, where's your turkey?
225
00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:20,876
- Why do you keep talking like that?
- I'm looking for a catch phrase.
226
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:25,830
BERTA: Zippy?
- Flimflam, you're in a jam.
227
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:29,313
Oh, hey.
228
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:33,439
- Somebody in there with you?
- Oh, no, no. Um, how can I help you?
229
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:35,158
Just brought your clean towels.
230
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,629
- What about my washcloths?
- I threw those away.
231
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,836
- Why?
- Do you really have to ask?
232
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:47,391
Miss you, kiss you, use a tissue.
233
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,750
You're awfully quiet tonight.
234
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,156
Now, don't look at me that way.
235
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,754
You knew the deal when we got married.
236
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,033
[DOORBELL RINGS]
237
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:12,596
Uh-oh. Shh.
238
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:14,989
Who is it?
239
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,630
It's Alan. We need to talk.
240
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:20,155
Just a second.
241
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,830
Let's go, Rose. I haven't got all night.
242
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:29,793
What is wrong with you?
243
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,110
Manny is taking a nap on the deck.
244
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:35,758
Maybe I need to wake him up
and have a little talk with him.
245
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:37,035
About what?
246
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:40,829
You might be tempted to tell someone
about my little business venture.
247
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,230
- You mean your Ponzi scheme?
- Knock it off, Rose.
248
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:46,995
Unless you want me to tell your husband
you're having an affair with my brother.
249
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:48,229
You wouldn't.
250
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,868
Crisscross, apple sauce.
251
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,433
What?
252
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:54,989
Doesn't matter.
253
00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:57,720
The point is, if you tell, I'll tell.
254
00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,757
Go ahead. Tell him.
255
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:02,150
If my husband leaves me,
I'll still have Charlie.
256
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:06,108
But if I tell everyone what you've been
up to, what will you have?
257
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,513
Crap.
258
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,640
Oopsie-doopsie, watch your poopsie.
259
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:14,873
[BIRD SQUAWKING]
260
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,391
There's a bird on your husband's head.
261
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:22,118
Yeah. So?
262
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,198
Crap.
263
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,955
This is your husband?
This is Manny Quinn?
264
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:43,793
Oh, my God, Manny Quinn.
265
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,393
Your husband's a dummy.
266
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:49,269
To be fair, he wasn't the one
fooled by a mannequin.
267
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:52,190
What do you use
to get bird poop off a husband?
268
00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:54,191
Charlie thinks you're actually married.
269
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:57,079
Uh, yeah, that's kind of the idea.
270
00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:00,755
- I'm not gonna let you scam him.
- I understand.
271
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:04,117
What's that, Manny?
I hadn't even thought of that.
272
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,555
Thought of what?
What are you saying?
273
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:09,553
How much would you need
to pay back the money you stole?
274
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:11,199
I didn't steal, they invested.
275
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:13,476
- Fine. How much?
- Fifty thousand dollars.
276
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:15,790
Why don't you wait here
and I'll get my checkbook.
277
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:20,317
Oh, no, no... I am loyal to my brother.
You can't buy my silence with a check.
278
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,755
- You want cash?
- You have cash?
279
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:24,871
I mean, I won't betray Charlie.
280
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:30,276
You may have to kill him.
281
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,956
Well, hey, what are you still doing here?
282
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:39,394
I need my money back.
283
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,154
- Why?
- Just found out...
284
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,788
two of my teenage
granddaughters are pregnant.
285
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,428
- At the same time?
- By the same guy.
286
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,909
Long story short, I need cash, quick.
287
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:52,351
- Um, okay. How much are we talking?
- All of it.
288
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:55,236
- All of it?
- Is that a problem?
289
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:59,759
No, no, it's not a problem. Um...
290
00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:04,991
If you want cash, you'll have to wait
till tomorrow so I can go to the bank.
291
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,156
- Tomorrow's fine.
- Good, good.
292
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:10,198
Of course, you're gonna lose
quite a bit by pulling out early.
293
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:15,354
Yeah, well, if Jimmy Lee had done
the same, I wouldn't need the money.
294
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,631
Okay, tomorrow.
295
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:21,472
Oh, boy.
296
00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:23,039
ALAN:
Don't panic.
297
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:25,472
In the toaster, numbnuts.
298
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:28,788
Okay, Mr. Smart-Guy.
299
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,833
How do you suggest I pay off Berta?
I spent all the money.
300
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,355
- On what?
- Well, you know, clothing, jewelry...
301
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,988
electronics, little lipo.
302
00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:38,469
Liposuction?
303
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:40,437
I had a bit of a muffin top.
304
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,558
You know, I actually feel a lot better
about myself now.
305
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,833
Okay, well, then you're gonna
have to get another investor.
306
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:51,073
- What about the goofy chick?
- Rose? She did offer me $50,000.
307
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:52,599
Why didn't you take it?
308
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:54,910
If I took it,
I would have to betray my brother.
309
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,793
Hey, Alan. Who are you talking to?
310
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:01,151
- Nobody. Want some toast?
- Maybe later.
311
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,635
Check it out.
Two first-class tickets to Paris.
312
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,313
We're going to Paris? Great idea.
313
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:07,516
Can we leave before the banks
open tomorrow?
314
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,477
What? Are you out of your mind?
315
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:13,474
I'm taking Rose. They have their own
Disneyland there and they serve wine.
316
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,359
But what about her husband?
317
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:18,909
I'm gonna ask her to leave him
and marry me.
318
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:22,038
Oh, gee, Charlie,
that may not be the best idea.
319
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:24,316
I don't recall asking for your opinion.
320
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,277
Hey, hey, I'm just looking out for you.
321
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,955
Do me a favor, a little less looking out,
little more moving out.
322
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:32,995
You're right. Screw him.
323
00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:36,472
Let's go get cash from the crazy
chick who married the mannequin.
324
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:39,313
She's crazy? I'm the one talking
to a kitchen appliance.
325
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:43,679
Hey, look, I'm trapped in a toaster.
326
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,193
Wait, wait, I'm coming with you.
327
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:54,278
I think that's everything.
328
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:57,432
- What did you tell your husband?
- I didn't have to tell him anything.
329
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,238
He's in New York for a fashion show.
330
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:02,238
Perfect. So, what kind of clothes
does he design anyway?
331
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,073
- Men's sportswear, mostly.
- Anything I might like?
332
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:07,390
No, it's more the kind of stuff
Alan would wear.
333
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,636
Oh, so tacky.
334
00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:13,429
You know, I think I left my raincoat
in the bedroom.
335
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,558
- I'll get it.
- Oh, thanks.
336
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:18,634
Uh-oh.
337
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,028
Whoa.
338
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,470
I guess the guy
brings his work home with him.
339
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,273
Yep. Tacky.
340
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:42,271
I got it.
341
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:53,675
Here is your $10,000. Hope it works out
with your granddaughters.
342
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,990
They're 15 years old and pregnant.
343
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,958
What should I look forward to,
the next season of Teen Mom?
344
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:02,313
And that is it.
345
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,675
Everybody is paid off.
346
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:06,159
But you're broke again.
347
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:07,992
But my conscience is clear.
348
00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:10,119
Dynamite.
349
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,476
The rhyming thing
really wasn't working.
350
00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,838
Leave me alone.
All you are is my dark side.
351
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,230
Fine, would you rather listen
to your light side?
352
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:23,198
- What are you talking about?
- There's more of us in here.
353
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,159
More?
354
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:29,791
Oh, really? That shirt with those pants?
What were you thinking?
355
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:34,639
Okay, who else you got?
356
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:36,836
Who else do you need?
357
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,991
[English - US - SDH]