.
He's gaining on us. What are we going to do? We'll have to split up.
I don't care that my dad screwed me over.
I don't care that I stole my mum's engagement ring
or about the guilt and resentment.
I'm going to get punished? Yes!
Nwah! Nwah!
I really think he needs help.
Ergh! Ergh! Ergh!
Look at me, Chloe! I'm a heron!
♪ All we wanna do is, oh ♪ All we wanna do is, oh
♪ All we wanna do is, oh, oh Love me, love me
♪ All we wanna do is, oh
♪ All we wanna do is, oh, oh
♪ All we wanna do is. ♪
Please, Jane. I just really think I can help him.
He'd be a challenge. A challenge?
You don't seem to realise what Darren Karrimor is like.
He's... He's a prick.
Only last week, he tied Mr De Wilde's shoelaces together during his Brian Blessed impression...
OK, everyone, who's this?
Gordon's aliiiiiiiiiiive!
He stuck a potato up my exhaust pipe.
I'm serious.
Imagine. He'd be able to tie great knots and cook a hedgehog.
OK.
I hope you understand what you're letting yourself in for. I understand.
Fine. When DK gets in, I'll let him know he's joining your scout troop.
Hurroo! Hurrrah! Hooray!
Shutty, Shutty, Shutty!
What is happening? I've got PMT. Do you know what that is?
Isn't it, like, something to do with clocks?
That's GMT.
Although, it is to do with time...
of the month. Oh, bloody hell.
Exactly!
What shall I do? Shall I phone a policeman?
Look, why don't you just shut up and get out?!
OK.
Don't leave me! I'm saaaaaaad.
Where are you going? Out.
Fine. Just abandon me.
See if I care. But...
Do you mean you want me to stay?
No, I mean, I hate you, I hate everyone. Pass me my fat pants
and bugger off!
She was in a terrible mood.
Chloe? In a terrible mood? Never(!)
I mean, even more terrible than usual.
If this were 1956, I'd describe it as, "perfectly ghastly, Miss Havisham".
But this isn't 1956.
Then she was a total bitch.
Matt, I think it's perfectly obvious what's wrong with Chloe.
You think she's been possessed by the devil? No, it's just PMT.
That's what Chloe 'claimed'. Look, my advice to deal with her is to agree with everything she says.
Just say, "I agree".
I agree.
And buy her chocolate.
Chocolate. Hi! Hi, Robyn.
Robyn, Chloe's got PMT, do lesbians get PMT?
No, Matt, we're not technically women, so we just get an insane urge to own power tools instead(!)
I wish Chloe was a lesbian.
Took the words right out of my mouth.
What? Who doesn't get the urge for a bit of ginger minge, as an alternative, once in a while?
I'm gay, deal with it, losers.
All right, peeps.
What's with the sad face, chad face?
I've just been to see the Principal.
Didn't even show me her tits.
Has the Principal ever shown you her tits?
Let's just say, not knowingly.
What have you done this time?
The Principal wants me join Mr Palmer's scout troop to give me direction.
I don't want to be one of his scouts.
So basically I'm just going to ruin his meeting so he kicks me out.
Well, that sounds both fascinating and brilliant.
But I've gotta go. I've got a job. A job? Yeah. A modelling job.
I'd best go and get ready. By which I mean Google bulimia and wax my chuff.
See you later, guys. Bye, Jas.
Yeah, and good luck.
Well, isn't that lovely news?
A girl like Jas, she'll be on the front cover of Diva magazine
posing with Katy Perry in a string bikini.
I imagine they'll be drawing tiny circles in baby oil
on each other's thighs, just round and round and round and round...
Who here isn't turned on?
No-one? OK!
I think it's nice Jas has got a job she'll enjoy.
Well, yes, it's nice she's got a job she might enjoy, yes, but think of the downsides.
She might move to Paris or New York and then I'll never get see her again.
Except for on the front of Diva, round and round and round and...
Robyn, have you ever thought of...?
Setting up a regular meeting of Wooton College's Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender community
so we can exchange ideas in a safe environment whilst not feeling so isolated and different?
I was gonna say getting a shag.
Both are good.
That'll teach you, Mr Baa.
Now you'll know not to be so damn cute!
Hi, Chloe.
Mattington! I agree.
Listen, Matt, I'm sorry about earlier.
It's my hormones, they're haywire.
And I take it out on you but I don't mean to.
Come here for a snugly wuggly buggly boo.
I agree.
Here, have some chocolate.
Oh, my God, chocolate!
Ugh. What?
It's just you look a bit... What Matthew? You know...
You think I'm fat!
I agree.
I want you all to meet a new addition to our group.
This is DK. All right, peeps.
Ah, so you've heard of him then!
You're somewhat of a legend around this college, aren't you, Darren?
Mate, the word legend was invented to describe me.
Well, me, and the bloke who gave you that haircut.
Now, I believe in throwing people in at the deep end when it comes to making friends,
so, DK, do you have a special skill you'd like to share with the class?
A special skill?
Yes. What are you good at? That's easy, mate. Wanking.
Now, I know you're being deliberately obtuse, Darren,
so I want you to realise that I'm used to having little squirts on my hands.
It's not the little squirts you want to worry about, mate.
You walk in on me at the wrong time and I'll blind you for life.
Is there anything else you're good at?
Rapping. Ahhh! Excellent.
Well, why don't you show the group how to rap?
Are you serious?
Rapsolutely.
This is going to be epic. Indeed. Hooroo, hurrah, hooray!
♪ Femispray! Femispray!
♪ It's the fresh new scent you can use every day
♪ Femispray! Femispray!
♪ Open your legs and say wahey!
♪ Femispray! Femispray!
♪ Nicey, nicey, nicey, nicey fannies! ♪
Jas?!
Oh, shite.
What are you doing?
How can I help you, sir?
I am not this Jas of whom you may speak,
although I have got a long-lost twin sister,
she's the spit of me she is and erm, oh, she lives
round these parts, so I hear tell,
you must be getting me confused with her.
Her name's Jas, I'm...Gertrude. Jas?
Shut up and die, Oliver Sinclair.
I thought you said you had a modelling job. This is a modelling job.
Ollie! Oh, come on Jas, you have to admit this is highlilarious!
No. Because it's not what you think.
I thought you'd be jetting off to Paris or New York.
But instead you're just selling fanny spray.
It's Femispray. Anyway, I'm about to change agencies.
Oh, what will you be modelling next, urinal cakes perhaps?
Or Toilet Duck? Quack, quack!
Oh, you are such a knobhead!
Whatever.
Catch you later, Jas-ispray!
I'm not the one making a twat of myself Oliver Sinclair, you are!
♪ Femispray! Femispray! ♪
It also kills flies!
Right, everybody, how are we getting on?
DJ Adam, hit that button!
♪ Mic check, mic check with the ones and the twos
♪ Mic check, mic check with the threes and fours
♪ Yo, yo, ladies, Mr K is in the house
♪ Wiki-wiki-wa-wa Braaaap!
♪ I'm Mr K, now, please don't make a fuss
♪ But there's something, Mr Palmer, we need to discuss
♪ Why do you like taking us out on the moors?
♪ Is it for the thrill of the hike and the great outdoors?
♪ Should we believe you like looking at flowers?
♪ And that's why we go down to the woods for hours?
♪ I can see your ears are burning, they're practically on fire,
♪ So to expand upon the argument, let's go to the choir.
♪ He's Mr Pal-mer
♪ He'll give you a smile
♪ But is Mr Pal-mer
♪ A paedophile?
♪ Let's look at the evidence, compare and contrast
♪ He likes to bake hedgehogs Yeah? Yeah
♪ But would he like to bake my arse?
♪ Is it innocent fun when we play a game of Boggle?
♪ Is it that you really want to play with my woggle?
♪ Once again, let's go to the crowd
♪ And let them ask our question out loud
♪ He's Mr Pal-mer
♪ He'll give you tasty sherbet
♪ But is Mr Pal-mer
♪ Ooh
♪ A dirty pervert? ♪
Balamory.
My goodness. I've never encountered anything like that before in my life.
Pretty offensive, eh?
So, come on, are you going to kick me out the group now? Certainly not.
What? The issues you've raised are very important so here's my paperwork.
And this a picture of my wife, my little girl and our Jack Russell.
Look. That's excellent. No.
That's excellent.
To organise that in such a short period is highly impressive.
You are clearly a natural leader of men. What?
I'm sure you'll come in very handy in our orienteering exercise tomorrow.
Please tell me you're pulling my pisser?
I've told you, I'm not like that.
It's good to have you in the group, Darren. Hurroo, hurrah, hooray!
Robyn, I think the Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender Society
is a great step for the college to take.
I'll support you in whatever way I can.
Will you open the first meeting? It's tomorrow.
Hell, no.
The Principal has a date with a lonely widower
with thighs like tree trunks.
You can't pass that shit up.
That's OK. So it's all right if I hand out some flyers?
Of course! I love it when young people change the world.
You know, when I was young, I felt pretty isolated, too.
Because of your race? That's awful.
Get out of town!
It was because I was so damn hot.
The boys were scared, the girls were confused.
All that was left were the teachers. Woo-hoo! Happy days!
OK, well, before this gets any more inappropriate,
I'll be off to print out my flyers.
If you change your mind... I won't.
Like an aged oak tree they are.
Yeah, well, if you do... Dead wife, horny as hell.
I get it. Thanks. It'll be in Room 4B.
I don't think you're appreciating just how strong and meaty
these thighs are. I'll draw them for you.
Lesbian!
Bye!
Vitamin beer. The most important vitamin of all.
I'm going to do something so bad Mr Palmer kicks me out
of his scout troop faster than he can say "she sells sea shells on the sea shore."
She shells...
She shells shea...
See sells... Oh, bugger.
Sorry, guys. I'm not my usual razor sharp self at the minute.
What's the matter? Why are only girls allowed to get PMT?
I think it's sexist.
Alas 'tis a fact of life.
Still at least we get to shave every day and go bald.
You shave every day?
And not just my face.
Never ever do that again.
It's not fair. Chloe has an excuse every month to be a total meany and get everything she wants.
Why don't you just get PMT?
Good idea, mate.
PMT...
Poor Matt Tension! Laterz, potaterz.
BOTH: Cleft!
Hi, Jas! I've got PMT, you shit!
Easy, Jas-in-my-pants.
Here she is, the Femispray Girl! Shut up, Ollie.
I've only come to tell you that I've got a proper shoot with a professional photographer.
Gerald White. His work's been in all the top magazines.
All the top shelf magazines? Result.
Finally something to replace those messy old Polaroids of you that he slipped under my... Right...
Well, I gotta go then!
So all the top magazines, eh?
Yes. Including Cosmopolitan, Vogue, The Pigeon Fanciers Gazette.
The Pigeon Fanciers Gazette?
There's a coup!
You are so not funny.
I know. I get it from my dad's side.
I'm off to be photographed this afternoon at Gerald's studio.
He's got a very special job lined up for me.
So suck on that, Oliver Sinclair.
Jas. Wait.
Look. Are you sure this is safe?
Of course. Everything's above board.
If you don't believe me, check his card out.
I'm suspicious of anyone whose card comes with a Nando's coupon on the back.
What do you think, Jezza?
AS JEREMY CLARKSON: "I think Polish people and women can take a long walk off a short pier."
Hello, Robyn, you little poof.
Oh, hi, Chlomophobe. You seem very cheerful.
Ah yes. I always buck up when I'm actually sat on the red cushion.
OK!
At last I can stop being quite such an angry dooby.
Matt will be delighted.
Yes. Of course most gentlemen don't understand these things but Matt's excellent.
He realises it's ladies' hormones.
Women, eh? Can't live with 'em.
No. It's shouldn't live with them.
It's in the Bible.
What's this poster you're putting up? Oh, it's the first Wooton College
Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender Society meeting!
All of us come together as one!
Like an orgy? Only if someone brings a bottle of sherry.
You just keep on getting gayer, don't you?
Maybe you should come, a friend of the community?
Listen, my boyfriend has gay dads.
I had dinner with them. I consider myself and the gay community quits.
And, oh, how we thank you!
Now, the river can be a very dangerous for a number of reasons,
including... Crocodiles. No, not crocodiles.
Giant squids! Not that either.
But there can be harmful bacteria, and we can never be sure of
depth or strength of current, so the last thing we want to do is fall in.
Oh, dear, I appear to be tripping up! Aaaagh!
DK! Whoops. What are we going to do?
He'll be all right. Help!
I can't swim!
It's the only badge I haven't got! What?
Help! Help! You've got to do something.
Why? Because we haven't got that badge either.
Ah, shit.
I'm just delighted to be photographing you.
I'm a bit nervous. You're going to love this.
It's glamorous, feminine and it's going to put you on the road to modelling stardom.
You saved my life.
DK, I can't thank you enough.
You are a hero.
I am, aren't I?
Balamory. Balamory.
Hooray! We're not sad at all!
♪ Ging gang gooley gooley gooley gooley watcha
♪ Ging gang goo, ging gang goo... ♪
Where's my chocolate?
You know I need chocolate when I feel like this, you did it on purpose, didn't you?
Just to annoy me. It's pathetic is what it is!
Umm, OK, then. Have some chocolate.
I don't want it. Are you all right? I'm tired. Matt!
What is wrong with you?!
Can you get me a hot water bottle and a cup of tea please?
Are you having some sort of breakdown?
I have some very serious emotional and personal problems
and all you can do is stand there accusing me of mental illness.
I'm in pain, but I'm strong.
I am woman, hear me roar. ROAR!
For God's sake, just snap out of it!
Ah!
Ah! How do people do that?!
Here she is. Won't get out of bed for less than ten grand.
Jas? Jas!
What's the matter?
Did he touch you?
I'll kill him. Come on, let's go and get Chloe's ball beating mace. No...
No, he didn't. He didn't? What's wrong with him, has he got no taste?
Thanks, Ollie, it's always flattering when a man believes you deserve to be sexually assaulted.
No, I didn't... I didn't mean...
Look, what's the matter?
Why are you so upset?
Ah, have you synchronised with Chloe?
No!
It's because... I'm ugly.
What? How could you laugh at me?
You with your perfect Joe McElderry with a hangover face.
I'm laughing because it's laughable.
Jas, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life.
I'm talking as a friend, of course.
You're just being nice.
Well, I am being nice, but that's due to my great loveliness.
I'm also telling the truth. Everyone thinks you're gorgeous.
Really?
Really. Like who? Well, all of us.
We've all had a wank over you.
How good looking do you think I am, Ollie?
I'd say about a nine. NINE?!
Thousand. 9,000!
Do you think I'm good looking enough to make other girls hate me?
Oh, yes, they detest and despise you.
There we go, that's better.
I'm not proper model material though.
Oh, you so are. The maestro Gerald White said so himself.
Then why did he make me dress up in a bloody bottle of Fannispray again?
It's Femispray.
No, Ollie, it's Fannispray.
Oh, Jas!
Look, you might be beautiful but you know what makes you stand out?
My ability to make boys ejaculate within four seconds of entering a room?
That is a pretty big talent.
But it's your brain.
You're smart and you're funny and you're great to be with.
That's why you could never be a model.
And plus I'm only 5ft 4.
Unless I tease my amazing hair then I'm actually 6ft 8.
Who wants to be a model anyway?
You've got so many amazing talents. You should use them.
Yeah, well, I was born to entertain.
Step, kick, hip, hip, isolate.
You know why else you can't be a model?
No cocaine habit?
No. You like chips too much.
Come on, I'm starving, I'll buy you a pack.
Ollie. Yes, my caramel bunny?
You're a good friend.
All right, peeps!
DK, you look like the pussy that got the cream?
Ooh, innuendo. Something amazing happened when I was scout and about.
Did one of them show you their dib dib dib?
No. I saved Mr Palmer's life.
Did you delete his hard drive before the police showed up?
No. He was drowning and I saved him.
He gave me this badge, look.
DK, that's amazing.
Yeah. Well done, mate.
Thanks. It's made me feel good to help someone else.
It's fun being part of the community.
Now are you going to start behaving responsibly and appropriately?
I think so...
Nipple gripple!
Tit sniff!
DK, DK, DK...
Hello and welcome to the first Wooton College
Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender Society meeting.
Does anyone want to get the ball rolling?
So with that let's close the first Wooton College
Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender Society meeting.
Thank you all for coming.
I'm fed up with you hitting me, Chlo. But Matt, it's what I do.
Anyway, how dare you stand up to me?!
I have to stand up to you cos I'm an abused man.
Only when I have PMT. No. All the time.
When you hit me just then, you didn't have PMT, you just hit me.
And you're always calling me stupid. Oh, Matt. That's cos you are stupid.
Well, I'm sick of it. I deserve respect. Respect?
You are joking. No, if I was joking, I'd say it like Dizzee Rascal.
"Shut up, yeah, I deserve respect, boi".
But how could I possibly respect you? What do you mean?
Well, let's face it, Matt, compared to me, you're an imbecile!
I'm not a seal,
I don't even like fish. And anyway, you're demented!
And is it any wonder?
You need my help to do up your shoes.
Velcro is very challenging.
I've been carrying you all my life and, frankly, I'm sick of it!
Well, frankly, I'm sick of you being a mad bitch!
I know you think you're better than me. I am better than you!
I have an intellectual brain and you have a brain of custard and belly button fluff!
I may not have the best brain but at least I have a heart!
Oh, shut up! You shut up!
Oh, for God's sake! I knew this relationship was a mistake!
Fine! Let's split up!
OK! OK!
Go and parasite off someone else, you incompetent mindless man husk!
I didn't really understand that, but fine, I will! So...
And good riddance!
I've got a gun in my pants.
Feels more like a fig roll to me.
What did you just call me?
Uh-oh.
Umm... Ginger nips?
Aaaagh!
How about a snog then?
I've gotta find a girl who'll let me have sex with her
and take a picture.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk