Dude, check out what we've been working on all afternoon.
Hit it, b. (Beatboxes) Unh!
♪ Takin' it ♪
(Beatboxes) Unh!
Double Dutch. Go!
Unh!
Okay, now that that's settled, what are we doing
with the rest of our day?
"Revenge of the Nerds" marathon on basic cable.
Sweet. I know what I'm doing with the next seven hours.
Yeah, I heard if you play "revenge of the nerds III"
and TLC'S "crazysexycool" at the same time,
they sync perfectly.
Sorry. Can't join you guys.
Me and Jane have an awesome double date planned.
We're gonna hit a wine bar, probably talk about
- good school districts. - You wanna stay here, don't ya?
Of course I do! Lamar is, like,
the third most influential African-American character
in movie history after radio and Malcolm X.
Nobody move!
My leftover chicken parm sando from last week is missing,
and I want answers.
Dave, you know how seriously I take my predinner meal.
Max, why don't you just admit that you eat two dinners?
Because I'm not a hobbit.
- Hobbits ate two breakfasts. - He does that, too.
That's not the point! The point is that food is missing,
and this is not the first time.
My carnitas burrito from a week ago... gone.
My meat-pocalypse pizza from last Wednesday... poof!
Into thin air. My 48-piece chicken nugget that
I was saving for my birthday has just vanished!
Dude, you're acting crazy.
Am I? Am I? Am I?!
Unh! (Beatboxes)
Unh!
(Beatboxes) Talk about it!
Don't ease the tension with dance.
Sync by mczolly www.addic7ed.com
Jane, I can't believe you've never been to that Korean spa in bucktown.
I can't either. I thought I'd been to every spa imaginable.
This place does an akasuri face scrub.
That is life-changing.
Better than the abalone sea kelp wrap at the four seasons?
Hey, Brad, do you have any idea what these two are talking about
right now?
Oh, yeah. See, a scrub can really exfoliate your face,
but a wrap... now that just gets in th...
Nope. No clue.
I like beer, man, and rattlesnakes.
Jane, I have some free spa passes.
I'd love for you to go with me as my guest.
I would love that.
Good. Brad, you guys could hang out and watch the game
while we go to the spa. Wouldn't that be great?
(High-pitched voice) Yeah. Yeah, that'd be awesome.
- That's gonna be horrible! - I knew you were gonna say that.
Your voice as gets so high
- when you don't wanna do something. - What?
(High-pitched voice) "I love tofu spareribs."
"Sure, I'll go to wine country with your parents."
"I'll totally take care of you after you finish with me."
I don't do that. Whatever.
Look, I work with Carl, but I don't wanna be friends with him.
- We have enough friends. - (Sighs) Brad, we've talked about this.
You need to be open to new things, new experiences.
I'm open to new experiences.
You've worn the same Halloween costume for the past 15 years.
I love it! (Chuckles)
(Both, slurred voices) Double snookis!
(Laughs) (Cackles)
(Brad, imitating Arsenio Hall) Woof, woof, woof, woof,
woof, woof! There's my fresh, fly posse!
Oh, yes! Where my dog pound at? Where my dog pound? Yes!
What are you talking about? Arsenio's timeless.
Look, I really like Carl and Dianne.
They're sophisticated. They've been married longer.
We could really learn from them.
(Sighs) Fine.
I'll go on a dude date with Carl,
but I want one of those sea kelp face wraps.
You know I like my "T" zone all supple and dewy.
Damn it. Why does that turn me on?
Mm.
♪
Lot of cute guys here tonight, Al.
Eh, not really what I'm looking for, pen.
I don't know. It's been a while since you and Dave split up.
I mean, maybe you should think about dating again.
I still don't think I'm ready yet.
Mm. Are you sure? Because I feel like tonight would be
the perfect night for you to get back out there, like, now.
I don't think so.
Okay, well, what if you were stuck in a trap in the woods
and, like, a cougar was trying to eat you... would you date then?
That's insane. Why would that even happen?
I have no idea. Forget that. 'Cause maybe your dad is
the head of some elite counterterrorist unit. He only
has 24 hours to... I don't know! The point is, would you date?
- Uh, yes. - I knew it!
Hi. I'm Clark. This is Pete.
Surprise double date!
Waiter, round of sambucs. (Whispers) You're welcome.
Can you believe penny surprise double dated me?
I mean, I feel like I was on a upn reality show.
(Max) Crazy.
(Sighs) Okay, Max, I hired you to help me paint the store,
okay, not lay around.
Well, then why'd you bring all these newspapers?
They're four months old, okay?
We're using them as a drop cloth, dumbass.
Well, I don't know all your fancy painting terms,
and besides, Al, it's no big deal.
You should be out there dating.
I mean, the world is open to you. Chase your joy, dear libra.
What?
Oh, I'm just reading your horoscope from four months ago.
It also says that you will meet a tall, dark stranger.
I did get hit on by Dr. Sanjay Gupta.
You got hit on by Sanjay Gupta and didn't tell anybody?
Yeah.
Hey, al, when you were living with Dave, did he ever
steal your leftovers, maybe throw them out?
It's happening.
What's happening? Are you part of the conspiracy?
Are you all doing this because you think I'm chubby?
Because my doctor says that I retain water
like a pregnant woman in a humid climate, which is a real condition!
Max, Dave is a sleepwalker, okay, and he does crazy things...
Eating, repotting plants.
He even sang all the songs from "les mis," and he nailed it!
Well, what did he do when you told him?
Said he had never seen "les mis." It was very weird.
About the sleepwalking.
Oh. Totally denies it.
I'm gonna have to catch him in the act.
I'm gonna need night vision goggles...
High-end, probably military grade.
Runs about $9,000, $10,000. How much are you paying me?
50 bucks and a box of cheddar bunnies.
Damn! I need those things.
Look, why don't you just ask Jane if you can borrow
- her nanny cam? - Why does Jane have a nanny cam?
Because I like to know what our stuff is doing
when we're not here. Okay, we had some workers
that I didn't trust, and then I just kinda fell in love
with the Teddy bear, so I left it there.
So you're trying to catch Brad doing something?
Yes, damn it! Why hasn't it worked yet?
Hey, honey! (Keys clatter)
Hi, babe.
So I hope your niece likes the Teddy bear,
and just remember, there's only 8 gigabytes...
Of hugs to give.
(Lowered voice) So what are you trying to film?
(Lowered voice) What? You know about the Teddy cam?
Of course, but it's cool. I learned how to use it
to my advantage.
(Brad) Hey, babe.
Max found this place with the best prime rib in the city.
Now it's in a strip club, but I promise you,
- I'm just going there for lunch. - Of course, boo.
(Chuckles) Oh, my n... (Chuckles) Unh.
- Why can't I say it? - (Sighs) Fine.
- My n... - Nope. Changed my mind immediately.
All right. I'm gonna go get on the bus with my Teddy bear,
buy a falafel sandwich, put it in the fridge,
and catch a sleepwalking Dave eating it.
Nothing in that sentence makes you want to reassess
what you're doing with your life at all?
- Nope. - All right.
Bye, Jane!
(Singsongy) Bye! So... (Door opens and closes)
(Normal voice) How'd drinks go with Carl?
Oh, it was cool. Carl's a good guy.
Ohh. I'm so happy, 'cause I really, really like Dianne,
although I can't believe all the stuff they've been through.
- What's that now? - What, you don't know?
The whole Ethiopian adoption process,
how they lost money from a bogus orphanage?
What did you guys talk about while you watched the game?
Mmm. These nachos have beans in them.
Mmm. I love beans.
Okay, these are going to be our new good couple friends...
(Whispers) Okay, so you need to just open to Carl,
and let him open up to you.
(Normal voice) Right. Open up.
- Yeah. - Emotionally, right?
Okay. Clean it up.
I was just checking.
Hey! What up, Brad?
Hands are kinda full, bro.
Oh. Yeah, they are. (Laughs)
Hey, uh, Carl, um, Jane told me
about you and Dianne and the adoption thing.
Oh, yeah.
If you, like, need to talk about it or anything,
I could make me be that person who you do that...
Forthwith.
I really appreciate it.
Oh, no problem, bro.
Yeah. (Flushes)
And Dianne told me about the huge problems
you're having with Jane... (Turns on faucet)
And that you had to go to couples therapy,
so if you wanna talk, I'm listening.
Yeah, man. Sounds great, man.
Wait. Uh, who went where now? (Turns off faucet)
Dude, I'm here for ya.
Oh.
I guess that's worse than the high five, huh?
(Laughs)
All right. Let's be Rambos out there, right?
Yeah, man.
You're first blood. I'm second blood. (Chuckles)
(Chuckles) Oh, man.
(Door opens and closes)
Aha. Gotcha, Dave, you falafel-stealing bastard!
(Penny) Al, I said I was sorry about the double date thing,
but it's time for some tough love.
You know Dave's been dating a lot, right?
Like, a lot a lot. Like, dicaprio a lot.
Seriously, I don't care.
He even slept with Tracy lubarsky.
- From high school? That slut! - Kinda harsh.
I meant Dave.
Where's Dave? Did he park his truck here today?
He took it down to wrigley. Why?
Because I now have proof that he's been stealing the food
from the fridge, which makes it okay for a grown man to carry
a Teddy bear in public... (Whispers) If anyone asks.
Max, has Dave been dating a lot?
Tough love.
(Normal voice) Yeah. He's on fire. Like, John Mayer on fire.
Is that more or less than dicaprio?
More.
- Wow. - Yeah.
- I didn't realize... - (Both whisper) I know.
Okay. You know what, guys? I think I'm ready.
I am ready to start dating again.
That's great.
There's a singles booze cruise tonight on lake mich.
We play our cards right,
we are drunk off skinny girl margaritas by 7:00.
We are knee-deep in investment bankers by 9:00!
I'm in! Oh, was I not invited?
Did you tell Dianne we went to couples therapy?
What are you talking about, biscuit?
No, no, no, no, no. No biscuit. No boo.
No sweetie. No black han solo. None of your pet names are
gonna get you out of this. Now did you tell her that?
Okay, I did, but only because she shared so much.
I mean, I had to say something.
Yeah, but couples therapy?
(Scoffs) I don't know. Couples therapy. (Laughing)
Right? Us? Couples therapy... That's... (Chuckles)
That's crazy.
(High-pitched voice) Ohh.
Woman, what did you do?
(Normal voice)Technically we did not go,
but after Alex and Dave split up, I just...
I was so freaked out, I wanted to go see a couples therapist
to make sure we were okay, so I thought I'd meet a few,
you know, see who fit.
Wait. You auditioned therapists? How many?
- Five. - Five?
Five! See, I thought maybe we had trouble communicating,
but the first doctor said we just had different styles,
and then, well, the second one said that, you know, I needed
to bring up issues sooner, and he had bad breath,
and then third one looked like a female Scott bakula,
which just stressed me out,
because I am way behind on my "men of a certain age"s,
and you know how mama likes a clean dvr,
and then the fourth one asked me why
I went to so many therapists... Did not like him at all...
And then the fifth one made me realize that
I have an amazing husband and a great marriage,
so all is good in the neighborhood.
- Good. Great. - Okay, you're mad,
but I wouldn't have had to go to all these therapists
if I thought that you would be open to it.
Oh, so now it's on me? Okay. All right. Fine.
Well, wait. Where are you going?
To work, because my wife is insane.
I am not insane, okay?!
Doctors one, three, and five confirmed that!
(Door closes)
What are we watching, and why are you carrying around
a Teddy bear?
Don't worry about Murray the bear. He's with me.
And Alex told me about your sleepwalking. I am willing to
bet that this tape proves that you stole the freakin' food.
- She told you about that? - (Beeps) Oh, yeah.
Dude, I do not sleepwalk! I don't know why everybody... aah! (Bang)
- (Whispers) I sleepwalk. - Boom! Gotcha.
See, you're gonna go to the fridge.
Soon you're gonna go... and you're walking away from the fridge.
- Well, who stole the food then? - (Normal voice) And why was I bowing?
Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Stop! Did you see that?
Huh? (Beep) Go back!
- Go back! - I am. I am going back!
(Beep) (Both) Okay.
Dude, is there a guy living in our ceiling?
Yes, dude. There's a guy living in our ceiling.
Why are we getting paint for your store from Max's?
He said he had a guy.
Max's bank account is a garbage bag under his bed,
but he's got a paint guy?
Makes total sense. (Door squeaks)
Oh. Hey.
Hi. I'm Malcolm.
I'm, uh, Dave and Max's new upstairs neighbor.
They, um... I don't have a fridge,
so they said I could come in here and use theirs.
(Chuckles) Well, I'm Alex, and this is penny.
We actually just came to pick up some paint,
which is clearly not here.
Oh, that's funny, 'cause I'm actually a painter.
Like Raphael or Michelangelo?
Well, they were, like, renaissance guys.
- I'm more of a conceptual artist. - Like donatello?
Well, he was a sculptor.
Well, I only know three ninja turtles, so I'm out. (Laughs)
- Who was your favorite? - Um... for art, donatello,
and for ninja turtling, Raphael all the way. (Chuckles)
(Laughs) Totally.
- Al? Can I talk to you for a skootch? - Yeah? Mm-hmm.
- What? - (Lowered voice) See what happens
when you open yourself up to dating again?
- Look what comes along! - (Lowered voice) Him? Really?
Yeah. He is cute in, like, a Skeet Ulrich kinda way.
He's smart. He's artistic. Ask him out.
Okay, he is skeet-cute, but I don't know.
- He's Dave's neighbor... - Tracy lubarsky.
(Normal voice) So, Malcolm, I don't know,
would you like to maybe get a drink tonight?
We can dive into the whole ninja turtling debate. (Chuckles)
- I can't. - Ohh.
Uh, I've got the gallery opening tonight I'm supposed to be at.
Uh, would you, I don't know, like to come with me?
Uh, yeah. (Chuckles) I love gallery openings!
Cool. Have you been to many?
Pfft. Uh... pfft, like, five, six... thousand.
Where should she meet you?
Um, say, 7:30 at the gallery on west superior.
That sounds super... erior. You're done.
(Laughing) Oh, my God. (Laughing)
- Bye! - What was that? Sorry!
(Lowered voice) I'm doing it.
Oh, my God. I am so proud of you. He seems so great. (Squeals)
Ohh! What I wouldn't give to find a nice, normal guy.
You get down here right now you food thief! You know,
the Russian guy that rented me this place told me there was
a crawl space up there, but I never even bothered to look.
That's 'cause you're afraid of spiders, dude.
It's my third biggest phobia,
behind public speaking and drag queens with no makeup.
Let's go up there.
I don't know, man. It's pretty high.
Come on! Let's be men and get up there!
(Voice strained) It's really easy, dude.
It's really... (Panting) Oh, God.
Okay. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard.
I got it. I got it. Come on now! Come on. Come on.
(Grunts)
(Panting)
Dude.
I found another entrance in the hallway. It had stairs. Way easier.
Wow. This place is not as creepy as I thought it was gonna be.
I totally thought I was gonna be putting the lotion
in the basket, but this guy's got pretty good taste in shirts.
He's actually a pretty good artist.
You can totally see the pain on this guy's face.
Oh, my God.
He took our apple smacks! This has gotta stop.
We are staying here until this bastard...
(Gasps) Oh, my God!
That is the biggest spider I've ever seen!
(Thud, clatter)
Oh. My bad. (Chuckles) It's just a ball of wire.
Dave?
(Dave groaning) Dave?
(Water running in sink)
Hey! "B"-rad! (Chuckles) What's wrong, man?
You were so quiet in that meeting.
I mean, you didn't even laugh when Peterson whipped out
his classic o.J. Impression. (Turns off faucet)
(Chuckles) Classic Peterson.
(Laughs) Right? Oh, man. I love that impression.
- Yeah. - Mm.
Can I bounce something off you?
I'm a trampoline, bro. Bounce whatever you want. (Chuckles)
Uh, Jane went to couples therapy without me,
and she didn't think I'd be open to it, but that's not the point.
I-I just don't think we have real problems.
You probably don't.
Women... they got a problem factory up here,
but, uh, that being said, you gotta let her know
that she can talk to you if she has concerns.
I mean, marriage is a 2-way street.
You're right. Thanks, man.
No problemo... (Chuckles)
(Chuckles) Senor.
(Laughs) Gracias. (Laughs)
You know what, man?
This right here... This is nice.
Look, uh, now that I've got your ear, um...
I've been meaning to share something with you.
All right, man.
Share it up, dude. I am the shareman of the board.
Uh... Dianne and I...
We've been having some problems...
I'm sorry about that, man.
Finding someone to share our bed with us.
Uh... like...
Like a... like a dog?
There will probably be a leash involved. (Laughing)
(Laughing) Right?
That got weird. That got so weird.
- I know, huh? - This whole thing's weird.
- You're great. - You're... ooh. Ooh.
- Ohh. Yeah. - Ohh.
Hey, nerds. I got huge news.
Okay, Dave, I really hope you can be mature about this.
So I may have pushed Alex to go on her first date
post-the whole non-wedding thing.
Are you cool with that?
Yeah. I'm totally cool with that.
Are you sure, dude? It's gotta be kinda tough.
No, it's totally easy for me.
- Is he handsome? Successful? - Eh, it doesn't matter.
- Is he tall? - He's actually your neighbor.
He's that kinda cute, scruffy guy. He said he lived upstairs.
Where have you been hiding him?
Oh, my God. What have I done?
Set up Alex with a homeless squatter.
- A homeless vigilante squatter. - We have to stop this.
(Door closes)
♪
(Indistinct conversations)
Hi.
- Hi. - Listen, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't accuse you of not communicating
when I don't give you a chance to.
It's okay, babe. I'm sorry, too. I need to be better at letting
you know you can always talk to me.
Ohh. I love my black han solo.
Oh, and thank you for pushing me to open up to Carl.
He opened up to me, and we got to a really great place.
See, I knew we could learn a lot from Carl and Dianne.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. We learned a lot,
and they have so much more to teach us, like...
(Door closes)
Oh, speaking of which... (Jane and Dianne) Hi! Hi!
(Chuckles) Hey.
I am so glad that you and Brad are clicking,
'cause I really like you guys.
Oh, we like you, too, Jane... a lot. (Chuckles)
I-I like you even more! (Laughter)
Well, that's great.
Well, what do you say the three of us go across the street,
check into a hotel, shave down,
and let our bodies do the talking, huh?
Wouldn't that be so fun?
(Carl and Dianne laugh)
No, seriously. We want to have sex with you.
(Tires screech) Oh, my God. That was insane.
They legitimately wanted to get down with my va-Jay-na.
What are you complaining about? I didn't even get invited.
But you gotta admit, they are a very open couple.
Okay, I deserve that.
Look, I'm happy you got me to open up, but from now on,
instead of doing it with creepy guys at work
or therapists that look like Scott bakula,
let's just do it together.
Yes, and we can also go back to hanging out
- with our normal friends... - Thank goodness.
Who are apparently on their way to stop Alex
from dating some guy who lives in Max and Dave's ceiling.
(Chuckles) I love those crazy kids.
Alex! Wait! You can't date this guy.
- What are you doing? - I'm stopping you from making
a big mistake.
What? You get to date half of Chicago.
Tracy Lubarsky, by the way? Ew!
And I finally go on one date, and you want to show up and ruin it?
Al, Skeet Ulrich lives in Max and Dave's ceiling.
Wait. You're Max and Dave.
Yeah.
That's right, and you do not take someone's apple smacks
without getting a serious beat-down, son!
Dude, you can't act hard when you're talking about fruit cereal.
Yeah? What if I do a couple warning lunges at him, huh?
Some maniac blinks, huh?! Let's dance, scarf man!
I am so lost.
Uh, my... my friend told me about this space,
and I was only living there until I sold a painting,
but I had never actually seen Dave and Max, just heard them.
- Wait. You're Alice! - Who's Alice?
Oh, Dave mourned the end of the relationship for days.
I thought he was saying "Alice," but it was hard to hear
- through all the sobbing. - Sobbing?
No, no. You didn't...
You heard me not sobbing and being totally over it.
- What does that sound like? - I'll tell you later!
That's why I called the series "Dave's despair."
I thought the emotional pain in those paintings looked familiar.
You're a super-talented artist, man...
But you do not steal from people!
You're right. I'm sorry. Is that my shirt?
(Chuckles) What? That is just... (Sighs)
I'm gonna exit through the gift shop.
Wait. So you squat in their crawl space?
Hey, I'm a rebel, and you dig it, I know,
but I-I don't think we should see each other anymore.
There's a bro code, and I can't do that to him.
(Whispers) Sorry, kid. (Clicks tongue)
(Chuckles)
(Sighs) Mm.
What?
(Sighs)
♪
(Indistinct conversations)
So... clearly someone is trying to tell me
that I am not ready to date yet.
Oh, by the way, and I know I don't have a say in it...
(Door opens) But when you're ready, I promise...
(Door closes) I'll be cool with it.
Thank you.
In fact, there's a guy living under my steak truck.
I could introduce the two of you.
- He's got a nice, full beard. - (Chuckles) Stop it.
Dude, what is going on with you
and all this diet peach iced tea?
Oh, this isn't for us. Malcolm! Incoming!
(Malcolm) Hey! (Chuckles) Thanks, man! Enjoy the shirt!
Cool. Oh, hey, do you have a belt I could...
- Do you have... A brown one would be... - Comin' at ya.
This guy's awesome.
Ladies, gentlemen, Alex,
I like to call this "the legend of sleepy Dave."
(Whispers) Enjoy.
(Penny) Wow.
(Dave) Oh, that's a skill I didn't know I had.
This is sad.
(Brad) What, are you checking your pulse right there?
(Jane) You never jog in real life. (Whistles)
- (Dave) Hey, pretty good form. (Chuckles) - That's really good form.
(Penny) Cookies with a push-up? Bold.
All right. Oh! Now this is...
This is a tour de force, Dave.
Is it gonna get sexy?
Yeah, it gets sexy right here.
♪ Good king wenceslas looked out ♪
♪ on the feast of Stephen ♪
♪ when the snow lay roundabout ♪
♪ deep and crisp and even ♪
Sync by mczolly www.addic7ed.com