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Previously
on The Hard Times of RJ Berger.
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I'm sorry this is my
my tutor, Amy.
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You and Jenny Swanson.
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- Weird. I know.
- Why is it weird?
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I mean, she's hot and you're,
like, the coolest guy in school.
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You think I'm
the coolest guy in school?
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You've already busted
your cherry.
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Keep that down.
If Jenny hears, I'm dead.
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You lied to me?
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- Dad.
- Hey! RJ.
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Hey, what do you think, huh?
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What do I think it is?
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It's a dream board.
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I saw it on The View.
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You think of something that you
want, and you visualize it.
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I mean, that's insane,
but an improvement.
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Oh, hey, we are improving
big time, buddy.
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Big time!
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Just look at this.
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See I visualized that we're
taking a trip around the world.
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And that's your mommy.
And she's in a diamond airplane.
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I don't have a picture of the airplane
because I don't think it exists yet.
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Actually, dad, I came to talk
to you about something important.
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I recognize that look.
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That's the problems-in-
pantyland look, huh?
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Jenny and I are fighting.
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Oh, you want to dream board
about it?
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No, thank you.
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You see, I lied to her.
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You lied?
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That's it?
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Yeah, I mean, isn't lying bad?
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RJ, lying is in your blood.
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It is the one thing
that all Berger men do well.
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Hell, I lied to your mother
for years.
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- No offense, dad, but...
- Yeah, and why am I here?
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Because I tried to
tell the truth.
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Uh-huh. Yeah.
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And once you do that,
all your dreams are gone.
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But not now.
Not now. No.
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My name is RJ Berger.
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Who cares?
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Last week my dad got so drunk
he took a dump in the lamp.
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That's unfortunate.
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But I feel like
I need to do something for him.
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- You know, Amy says that I should...
- Oh, there's that name again. Amy.
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You've been spending a lot
of time with her lately, huh?
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What else am I supposed to do?
Jenny won't talk to me.
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Whatever, bro.
You think you've got problems?
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A teacher took my v card, gave
me a splosh fetish and crabs
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and now my pubs are so smooth,
I look like a six-year-old boy.
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A splosh fetish?
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Yeah.
Sex and food, RJ.
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I had to Google it.
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Freaky British people
are into it.
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Freaky British people and me.
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Oh, hey.
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If you're here to ask me on
a date the answer is yes.
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Great. I'll see you tomorrow
morning third period, room 14.
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- Really?
- Yeah.
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It's where our
support group meets.
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Support group?
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It's a safe place
for students to get together.
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Talk about their problems.
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A chance to connect intimately.
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Oh, I'm going to connect
intimately all right.
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With her butt.
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Hey, does Rogaine work
on your pubes?
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RJ?
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RJ, I'm dropping comedic
gold here.
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What, are you off daydreaming?
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Sorry.
Jenny.
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Huh, yeah.
Well, good luck with that.
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I got to get to my own class.
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You're in this class.
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Self-help books.
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Really, RJ?
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- Yeah, uh... - Dude, if you need to talk
just come talk to me.
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I know. It's just
I've had a lot on my plate.
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Jenny is super pissed at me and
my parents are going crazy.
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Let me guess.
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One of the 'rents
is having a total melt down,
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and the other one is acting like
nothing even happened, right?
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Yeah.
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See, like, with me,
my dad, for instance
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was in total denial,
and my mom basically became
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a more cracked out version
of Courtney Love.
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It's the opposite
in my case, actually.
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I feel bad for my dad.
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Yes, like, he lied
but he still loves my mom.
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RJ, you cannot keep
your parents together, okay?
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But you can be there for
them when they fall apart.
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That makes sense.
Thank you.
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Don't thank me
thank three years of therapy.
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Amy, I have a huge favor
to ask you.
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How good are you
with a pair of scissors?
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Hey, RJ, what are you
doing here?
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Who's this
sensual little vixen?
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Uh, dad, this is
my friend, Amy.
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- Amy...
- And we're here to help you.
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What are you talking about,
bud, I'm doing great.
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Why does it smell like
burnt welfare in here?
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Oh, my pop tart.
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This is my dinner.
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Dad, you got to take a look at yourself.
You're not okay.
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Worse than my mom.
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We have to do something.
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Like what?
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Looking good, Mr. B.
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- Yeah, dad, you look great.
- Thanks, guys.
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I couldn't have done
it without you.
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Now all I have to do
is dream board a job.
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Why don't we not
dream board it, and just do it?
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Yeah, you're right.
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Look, I promise
I'm going to get back on track.
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Hey.
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Another thing I couldn't have
done without you.
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I'm sure your girlfriend
would've done the same thing.
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- If you hadn't screwed up.
- Dude, no.
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I could never bring Jenny here.
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Why?
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Because I couldn't bring a girl
like that to a place like this.
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So are you saying that because
she's more popular than us?
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No, I'm sorry.
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- What I really meant to say...
- No, it's fine. You know, it's fine.
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Somewhere deep inside that dig on me was
a compliment and I'm going to take it.
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And so I knifed that bitch
in her fat face.
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Fat face.
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No!
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Thank you very much.
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No, thank you, Eduardo.
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That took a lot of courage to
admit that you feel that way
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about your grandmother.
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Everybody.
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All: We support you,
Eduardo.
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We support you.
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Okay.
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Hamilton, how about you?
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Think you're ready to share?
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Pass.
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All right.
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Anybody else?
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Go ahead, Lily.
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Thanks.
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Ever since I came back to school
I've had this recurring nightmare.
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Tell us about it.
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Well, first I get run over by this
giant penis-shaped bus, and I die.
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But then I miraculously
come back to life.
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Oh.
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But nobody cares.
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Lily, wake up?
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Then I wake up and I realize that
almost all of that really happened.
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Oh.
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It's okay to cry here.
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You know, remember
you're in the safety circle.
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Safety circle.
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- I think I'm just still feeling a lot
of anger toward... - What? Your face?
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Nobody?
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Okay, then.
Let's get our heal on.
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What the hell are you
doing here, Miles?
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This is peer support
not assholes anonymous.
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Oh, my gosh.
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Is this not a safe place?
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'Cause I thought
this was a safe place.
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Lily, that is not how
we welcome new members.
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Everyone, we support you,
Miles.
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Thanks, everyone.
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I mean, I can't believe
that suit fit him.
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He's been eating nothing but, you
know, pop tarts and hot dogs.
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Yeah, well, maybe it was
all the crying and vomiting
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that kept the pounds off.
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She does not look happy.
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No, she does not.
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- I should probably...
- Yeah, you should go handle your business.
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Hey, can we talk?
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Actually, I'm kind of
busy right now.
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Why don't you go talk
to your new tutor?
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It's not like that.
Please, just hear me out for a second.
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I'm really sorry.
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I lied and it was mean.
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You know, we were having
problems before the lie.
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And I just feel like my life is
disastrous and you don't care.
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Yeah, it really
seems disastrous.
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I got to go.
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Craig, that was
an incredible share.
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Really incredible.
189
00:10:06,403 --> 00:10:08,870
Oh, I hope you and your mom
can work things out
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00:10:08,990 --> 00:10:10,573
by the time
she gets out of prison.
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00:10:10,641 --> 00:10:12,475
You should stab that bitch
in her fat face.
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Fat face.
193
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No.
Everyone.
194
00:10:15,279 --> 00:10:17,680
All: We support you, Craig.
195
00:10:17,748 --> 00:10:22,688
Okay, for our last
exercise let's pair off.
196
00:10:22,808 --> 00:10:27,736
Remember to maintain eye contact
and keep an open line of share.
197
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Go get 'em.
198
00:10:31,662 --> 00:10:33,501
Remember, maintain eye contact.
199
00:10:33,621 --> 00:10:34,964
Katie, you and me partners?
200
00:10:35,032 --> 00:10:36,799
- Sure.
- Hey, how about over there?
201
00:10:36,867 --> 00:10:38,200
- Yeah.
- Cool.
202
00:10:38,268 --> 00:10:43,205
Yo, I'm really sorry about what
happened to you and everything.
203
00:10:43,325 --> 00:10:45,041
- Yeah, whatever.
- No, for real.
204
00:10:45,108 --> 00:10:48,755
You know, you're smart,
funny, cute too.
205
00:10:48,875 --> 00:10:50,012
Gusher alert.
206
00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:51,900
You're like the white Oprah.
207
00:10:52,332 --> 00:10:53,851
You know, like, people
come to you
208
00:10:53,971 --> 00:10:56,719
with all their problems,
and you always know what to say.
209
00:10:56,787 --> 00:10:58,917
We all have our own challenges.
210
00:10:59,037 --> 00:11:00,823
Really?
You have challenges?
211
00:11:00,891 --> 00:11:05,012
It's...It's a long,
long story.
212
00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:08,324
Katie, this is a safe place.
213
00:11:08,444 --> 00:11:09,532
Remember?
214
00:11:10,411 --> 00:11:14,103
- Um...
- I feel like I can talk to you, Lily.
215
00:11:14,171 --> 00:11:16,921
Wow, that's something
I've never said before.
216
00:11:17,041 --> 00:11:18,874
Is this about you
killing a guy?
217
00:11:18,942 --> 00:11:22,445
Nah, you see, that's not me.
218
00:11:22,512 --> 00:11:24,995
That's my mask.
219
00:11:25,115 --> 00:11:34,278
I can't tell my homies, but the
real me, I see numbers in thin air.
220
00:11:36,315 --> 00:11:42,631
It's like the whole world goes away
and everything becomes so clear.
221
00:11:42,699 --> 00:11:45,686
My God, gangsta Will Hunting.
222
00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:47,625
Ha, yeah. Word.
223
00:11:47,745 --> 00:11:51,147
Well, I had a really
dark period, Miles.
224
00:11:51,267 --> 00:11:52,208
Okay.
225
00:11:52,275 --> 00:11:55,569
I used sex as a weapon.
226
00:11:55,954 --> 00:12:00,950
I willingly gave my body out
to multiple partners.
227
00:12:01,835 --> 00:12:03,552
Sometimes two.
228
00:12:03,620 --> 00:12:05,888
- Six.
- Uh.
229
00:12:05,956 --> 00:12:07,591
Eight at a time.
230
00:12:07,711 --> 00:12:08,746
Oh, wow.
231
00:12:08,866 --> 00:12:11,293
I did terrible things.
232
00:12:11,361 --> 00:12:12,831
What...
What kind of things?
233
00:12:12,951 --> 00:12:14,563
Filthy things.
234
00:12:14,631 --> 00:12:17,596
How long ago was this?
235
00:12:17,716 --> 00:12:21,237
Oh, up till about last week.
236
00:12:21,304 --> 00:12:23,139
Oh, Katie.
237
00:12:23,206 --> 00:12:25,074
I support you.
238
00:12:30,188 --> 00:12:33,323
I'm telling you, RJ,
this whole peer support group
239
00:12:33,443 --> 00:12:35,231
is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
240
00:12:35,351 --> 00:12:35,997
That's awesome, man.
241
00:12:36,117 --> 00:12:38,435
I never wanted to say anything, but
I always knew you needed therapy.
242
00:12:38,555 --> 00:12:40,841
Therapy?
Therapy's for pussies.
243
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:42,078
I'm talking about Katie.
244
00:12:42,198 --> 00:12:45,133
Katie? Isn't she a little
out of your league?
245
00:12:45,156 --> 00:12:46,684
She's a nympho, dude.
246
00:12:46,804 --> 00:12:48,200
She bones the whole league.
247
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:50,960
I just got to dangle a little
wang right in front of her face,
248
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,367
and then she'll be right back
to her old gang bangin' ways.
249
00:12:53,487 --> 00:12:55,267
- Well, you gang bang your little little...
- Miles, bud.
250
00:12:55,399 --> 00:12:56,550
Hey, what are you doing here?
251
00:12:56,670 --> 00:12:58,192
I just had an interview
with principal Haggerty.
252
00:12:58,312 --> 00:13:01,586
Boy, this school is really desperate
for a substitute English teacher.
253
00:13:01,706 --> 00:13:02,405
You what?
254
00:13:02,473 --> 00:13:05,875
Last night really
opened up my eyes, son.
255
00:13:05,943 --> 00:13:07,410
I couldn't have done it
without you.
256
00:13:07,478 --> 00:13:09,278
You couldn't have done what?
257
00:13:09,346 --> 00:13:10,847
I got the job.
258
00:13:10,914 --> 00:13:12,648
I'm your new English teacher.
259
00:13:17,896 --> 00:13:19,763
Dad, tell me you're kidding.
260
00:13:19,883 --> 00:13:22,643
You're not really the new
substitute English teacher.
261
00:13:22,763 --> 00:13:24,373
No, no. I did.
I got the job.
262
00:13:24,493 --> 00:13:26,258
In fact, I'm late
for my first class.
263
00:13:26,378 --> 00:13:28,873
I will see you tomorrow
at sixth period.
264
00:13:30,575 --> 00:13:32,578
Awkward.
265
00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:44,487
Let's start today by sharing what we
learned about our partners yesterday.
266
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:46,808
Lily, why don't you go first?
267
00:13:46,928 --> 00:13:51,208
Well, yesterday I learned
that Hamilton may act tough,
268
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:57,420
but he's also sensitive and
scared, and a friggin' genius.
269
00:13:57,540 --> 00:13:59,847
Yeah, you know
I see numbers and.
270
00:13:59,967 --> 00:14:02,610
He doesn't think that you can be
tough and smart at the same time.
271
00:14:02,730 --> 00:14:04,691
But he can.
272
00:14:05,017 --> 00:14:07,744
And Hamilton,
what did you learn about Lily?
273
00:14:07,812 --> 00:14:09,446
That she tucks
a she-penis.
274
00:14:09,513 --> 00:14:10,513
Hey, what did you say, homey?
275
00:14:10,581 --> 00:14:11,909
Uh-uh,
nothing.
276
00:14:12,029 --> 00:14:14,930
I was...I was just wondering
if, um,
277
00:14:15,050 --> 00:14:19,589
Lily had mentioned anything
about being the love child
278
00:14:19,657 --> 00:14:21,591
of Big Foot
and Pee-Wee Herman.
279
00:14:21,659 --> 00:14:24,461
Yo, you done?
You got more jokes?
280
00:14:24,528 --> 00:14:25,695
Why don't you rip on me, dog?
281
00:14:25,763 --> 00:14:27,297
Hamilton, safe zone.
282
00:14:27,365 --> 00:14:29,336
- Safe zone.
- Safe... - Safe zone.
283
00:14:29,456 --> 00:14:30,667
Miles,
I think you better leave.
284
00:14:30,735 --> 00:14:31,835
Me?
285
00:14:31,902 --> 00:14:34,204
But, Katie.
286
00:14:34,271 --> 00:14:35,493
What about everything we shared?
287
00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:38,814
Until you learn to respect
the safe zone of this group,
288
00:14:38,934 --> 00:14:39,974
you're not welcome here.
289
00:14:40,094 --> 00:14:42,749
So we're not going to bone?
290
00:14:42,869 --> 00:14:45,582
Okay, I'm going to cut your face,
Chalupa.
291
00:14:45,649 --> 00:14:47,384
Eduardo.
292
00:14:47,451 --> 00:14:51,821
I know, safe zone.
He do not make me feel safe.
293
00:14:51,889 --> 00:14:54,423
Hello, class.
294
00:14:54,543 --> 00:14:56,371
Sorry I'm late.
295
00:14:56,491 --> 00:15:00,122
My name is Mr. Berger.
296
00:15:00,242 --> 00:15:04,336
And I am your new substitute
English teacher.
297
00:15:04,861 --> 00:15:05,942
Uh, it says here,
298
00:15:06,062 --> 00:15:08,607
oh, you're reading one of
my favorites, Romeo and Juliet.
299
00:15:08,852 --> 00:15:14,659
Let's uh... uh...
300
00:15:20,051 --> 00:15:23,688
You know, the best way
to understand Shakespeare
301
00:15:23,808 --> 00:15:25,814
is to see it acted out,
like he intended.
302
00:15:25,934 --> 00:15:29,492
And who better to call upon than two
of Pinkerton's finest thespians,
303
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:34,220
the stars of Vamp Side Story,
RJ Berger and Jenny Swanson.
304
00:15:34,340 --> 00:15:36,499
Come on up, you two.
305
00:15:40,504 --> 00:15:42,498
Okay, son.
306
00:15:42,618 --> 00:15:44,007
Jenny.
307
00:15:44,075 --> 00:15:45,375
Guys, get a little closer.
308
00:15:45,443 --> 00:15:46,709
Get a little closer.
Come on, a little closer.
309
00:15:46,777 --> 00:15:48,187
Come on,
you're Romeo and Juliet.
310
00:15:48,307 --> 00:15:51,481
Two households.
Both alike in dignity
311
00:15:51,549 --> 00:15:54,949
in fair Pinkertona
where we lay our scene
312
00:15:55,069 --> 00:15:58,621
a civil war is waged
bloody and mean.
313
00:15:58,689 --> 00:16:02,060
Betwixt the house of Jockulet
and the house of Montageek,
314
00:16:02,180 --> 00:16:07,153
and from these two foes a pair
of star-crossed lovers meet.
315
00:16:07,273 --> 00:16:10,215
Juliet, fairest cheerleader
in all of the world
316
00:16:10,335 --> 00:16:14,170
falls for Romeo Pinkertona's
biggest nerd.
317
00:16:14,238 --> 00:16:17,273
Oh, she doth make my boner
take flight.
318
00:16:17,341 --> 00:16:20,276
For I ne'er saw
such boobies until this night.
319
00:16:21,879 --> 00:16:25,977
Oh, my only love
sprung from my only hate.
320
00:16:26,097 --> 00:16:30,053
Alas, sweet Romeo for your
massive sword I'll wait.
321
00:16:30,121 --> 00:16:32,077
O, I am fortune's fool.
322
00:16:32,197 --> 00:16:34,991
Why did I wait to slay her
with my tool?
323
00:16:35,059 --> 00:16:38,535
Though their love was true,
'twas not meant to be.
324
00:16:38,655 --> 00:16:42,665
Fickle fortune
decreed death their destiny.
325
00:16:42,733 --> 00:16:44,498
Here's to my love.
326
00:16:48,657 --> 00:16:52,470
O, happy dagger
this is thy sheath.
327
00:16:53,010 --> 00:17:00,564
And as we lay these poor lovers to
rest eternally, we've only fate to blame
328
00:17:00,684 --> 00:17:02,293
for their tragedy.
329
00:17:05,289 --> 00:17:06,656
Scene.
330
00:17:06,724 --> 00:17:10,593
And that's...That was...
Great job, you two.
331
00:17:10,661 --> 00:17:14,464
Great job. Uh...
So much good stuff there.
332
00:17:14,532 --> 00:17:18,605
Uh, you had gang violence,
illicit love, suicide...
333
00:17:18,725 --> 00:17:20,870
Stuff that every kid
can relate to.
334
00:17:20,938 --> 00:17:25,116
But what really stands out is
Shakespeare's use of "destiny."
335
00:17:25,384 --> 00:17:27,677
I think what he's saying
is that
336
00:17:27,745 --> 00:17:30,613
no matter how much you think
you love somebody,
337
00:17:30,681 --> 00:17:33,650
some people are just destined
to be together.
338
00:17:33,717 --> 00:17:39,455
And other people are just
destined to stay friends.
339
00:17:40,724 --> 00:17:41,891
Uh...
340
00:17:56,006 --> 00:17:57,173
That was pretty awesome.
341
00:17:57,241 --> 00:17:58,341
Well, I guess
that old adage is true.
342
00:17:58,409 --> 00:18:00,843
You don't really need an
education to be a schoolteacher.
343
00:18:00,911 --> 00:18:02,011
Thank you.
344
00:18:05,082 --> 00:18:06,449
Have a good day.
345
00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:13,189
- Your dad did a good job.
- Yeah, he did, actually.
346
00:18:13,257 --> 00:18:16,626
That whole thing he said
about destiny
347
00:18:16,694 --> 00:18:20,930
and something things
just aren't meant to be.
348
00:18:20,998 --> 00:18:23,106
No matter how bad
you want them to be.
349
00:18:24,735 --> 00:18:28,071
- We have to break up, don't we?
- Yeah, I think we do.
350
00:18:28,138 --> 00:18:29,305
I'm sorry I've been so cold.
351
00:18:29,373 --> 00:18:31,407
No, no, no, no.
I deserved it.
352
00:18:31,475 --> 00:18:33,876
I should have just
been honest with you.
353
00:18:33,944 --> 00:18:35,778
Yeah, you should have.
354
00:18:35,846 --> 00:18:37,747
But it wasn't just that.
355
00:18:37,815 --> 00:18:39,849
I mean, we tried so hard, RJ.
356
00:18:39,917 --> 00:18:48,091
Jenny, I've wanted you
so bad for so long.
357
00:18:48,158 --> 00:18:53,730
And when we got to be friends, I...
I felt so lucky.
358
00:18:53,797 --> 00:19:01,204
And when we got to be more than friends...
But I hurt you, and we're fighting,
359
00:19:01,272 --> 00:19:04,281
and I don't want to
do that anymore.
360
00:19:04,401 --> 00:19:06,342
I just want to go back
to when I was lucky.
361
00:19:06,410 --> 00:19:07,877
Yeah.
362
00:19:07,945 --> 00:19:09,779
Friends?
363
00:19:12,916 --> 00:19:14,083
Friends.
364
00:19:25,220 --> 00:19:26,645
- Tangos at 5:00.
- Got 'em.
365
00:19:26,765 --> 00:19:27,998
Grenade!
366
00:19:28,118 --> 00:19:30,097
- Nice, nice.
- Thanks.
367
00:19:31,156 --> 00:19:35,899
So, Jenny Swanson no longer in
the spank bank hall of fame?
368
00:19:36,019 --> 00:19:39,138
I know it sounds weird, but
I'm actually kind of relieved.
369
00:19:39,258 --> 00:19:43,865
So your dream girl turned out to be
not such a dream girl after all, huh?
370
00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,384
- It's Amy.
- Pausing for pooter.
371
00:19:49,894 --> 00:19:51,675
Your dad's teaching English?
372
00:19:51,908 --> 00:19:54,829
Yup. And he's surprisingly
good at it.
373
00:19:55,225 --> 00:19:56,324
I think I learned something.
374
00:19:56,444 --> 00:19:59,053
Well, you owe me, and I fully
intend to cash in on it.
375
00:19:59,473 --> 00:20:00,893
Call me when you're cooler.
376
00:20:01,013 --> 00:20:04,275
Dude, you are so in!
377
00:20:04,395 --> 00:20:06,777
I fully intend
to cash in on it.
378
00:20:09,987 --> 00:20:15,363
Okay, boys, so be good tonig...
Oh, sorry to interrupt whatever that was.
379
00:20:15,596 --> 00:20:20,098
Um, I just wanted to let you know
that I'm having a visitor tonight.
380
00:20:20,218 --> 00:20:20,751
What?
381
00:20:20,871 --> 00:20:22,675
Actually,
it's someone you know.
382
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:27,209
Don't wait up for us, Berger.
383
00:20:27,329 --> 00:20:28,760
All right.
Love you.
384
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:37,445
My name is RJ Berger, and
sometimes nightmares do come true.