So here's what you missed on Glee:
The glee club's getting ready for Nationals,
and Quinn's getting ready to be prom queen.
We need to get elected for prom king and queen.
It's the ultimate status symbol.
Kurt had to leave McKinley
because Karofsky threatened him...
I can't expel a kid for shoving.
He'll just say, "I didn't mean
to shove that kid. I tripped."
Excuse works like a charm. I use it all the time.
But at least he's got Blaine and the Warblers,
who just lost at Regionals to the New Directions!
We got each other out of all this.
That beats a lousy trophy, don't you think?
Santana's got it bad for Brittany...
This relationship is really confusing for me.
Breakfast is confusing for you.
Well, sometimes it's sweet and sometimes it's salty.
Like, what if I have eggs for dinner, then what is it?
Will's sort of always had it bad for Emma,
but lately she's gotten super crazy
with the cleaning fruit and stuff.
I'm not following. Like, seriously crazy.
One day, you're going to find a way to beat this thing.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
All right, guys.
Nationals are just a few weeks away,
and it's time to bear down.
Now, your singing at Regionals was amazing, but your dancing...
It's booty camp time.
Booty! So let's get it going.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Push yourselves, guys.
Vocal Adrenaline takes no prisoners.
Oh! I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?
I'm bleeding.
Let's get you to a doctor.
My dad's will be here in 15 minutes.
You don't have to stay, Finn.
No, I want to wait and hear what the doctor says.
I feel terrible.
Won't Quinn be mad at you sitting vigil at my bedside?
Well, I'm standing,
and-and she'd understand how awful I feel
even if it's not broken.
It's broken.
Well, I knew I was a bad dancer,
but I never thought my dancing was dangerous.
It's a clean break, so I-I won't have to set it.
Considering your deviated septum,
I'd consider this a terrific opportunity
for a little vanity adjustment.
Are you suggesting that I get a nose job?
You're 16, right?
That's when I gave my daughters theirs.
It's like a right of passage for Jewish girls.
First of all, I like how I look.
She your girlfriend?
No.
What does your girlfriend look like?
Okay, and second of all, I don't want to do anything
that's going to affect my voice.
My Broadway career depends on it.
Yeah, we got a big show choir
competition coming up, and Rachel's
kind of our best singer.
Doesn't impact the voice.
That's just a myth.
The fact is, opening up that septum
might allow you to take in more air per breath,
which means bigger belts on you high notes.
But Barbra...
Is great. She's also one in a million.
The fact is, if you really want to be an actress,
you might want to consider looking and sounding
the best that you can.
I got an appointment open next week.
Can I sign you up?
Sync by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com
Oh my God, you're getting a nose job.
I'm considering having a minor procedure
to repair my deviated septum.
So, a nose job.
Look, I'm... I'm happy with the way that I look, okay?
And I've embraced my nose.
But let's say I wanted to have a slightly more demure nose.
Like Quinn's, for example.
I-I would never change my appearance for vanity,
but, I mean, the doctor said
that it could possibly improve my talent,
which would help us all for Nationals.
Possibly? What about the risks?
Your voice is amazing as is, Rachel.
Hold up.
Could we all just get real here for a second?
I hear that Rachel's got a bit of a schnoz.
I mean, I wouldn't know because, like Medusa, I try
to avoid eye contact with her.
But can we all just stop
lying about how there aren't things
that we wouldn't change about ourselves?
I mean, I'm sure that Sam's been at the doctor's office
and rifled through pamphlets on mouth reduction.
I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed
since he's not really using them anyways.
And I'm definitely sure that Tina's looked
into getting an eye de-slanting.
That's extraordinarily racist.
I'm keepin' it real.
Sorry, Santana. I'm a beautiful person.
I'm in love with myself, and I would never change a thing.
Is that why you're wearing blue contacts today, Tina?
Self-hating Asian.
Not many Asian sex symbols, Mike.
I'm just trying to be in fashion
and mirror what I see in the magazines.
My dancing kind of bothers me.
Uh, it almost killed Rachel, but I like the way I look.
Oh, please.
You have weird, puffy pyramid nipples.
They look like they're filled with custard,
or you could dust them
with powdered sugar and they could pass
for some sort of dessert.
Look, maybe Rachel's fine with having an enormous beak.
Maybe she needs it to crack hard seeds. All I'm saying
is that if you look in the mirror
and you don't like what you see, you should change it.
Whoa, guys.
I'm really shocked at what I'm hearing here.
It goes against everything the glee club stands for.
I'm telling you, the thing you would most like to change
about yourself is the most interesting part of you.
Well, maybe, but at this school,
the thing that makes you different
is the thing people use to crush your spirit.
Rachel's a beautiful girl.
She doesn't need a nose job.
Saying that she's doing it to enrich her talent is just
a convenient excuse to deal with the fact
that she's insecure about how she looks.
Most of the adults we know have trouble embracing
their eccentricities, so how can we expect kids to?
Well, then, it should be our job to help them.
I don't want my legacy as a teacher
to be conjugated verbs and Glee Club trophies.
I want to help them love themselves
for who they are, warts and all--
Especially warts.
How long do we have to do this for?
Until they're all clean.
I mean, I'm really enjoying helping you with your OCD.
Do you know what? I really don't like that term, really.
It sounds way too scientific and serious.
I really prefer "neat freak" or "cleanybug."
But, Will, I really have to tell you,
I'm so appreciative of all your help.
Really, I have so much more free time
now that there are four hands polishing all of my fruit.
I'm really glad...
but shouldn't we be figuring out
some techniques you can use
to eat your food without scrubbing it?
You mean with germs and pesticides all over it?
No, I mean, really deal with your issues on this stuff.
Will, I've tried, you know,
and I... I may not have been born this way,
but this is my lot in life.
There's nothing I can do about it.
Thank you.
What for?
I know how I'm going to get the kids
to accept what their differences are--
By using their two favorite teachers:
Me and Gaga...
but I'm going to need your help.
I should be prom queen at this school.
If I were prom queen,
I could get Brittany to drop the four-eyed loser
and go for the real queen.
She's so gullible, I could convince her
that by royal decree, I'd made her being with me
the law of the land.
That's never going to happen.
I don't have the votes.
Unless I could get the jock block.
Jack Ryan, you've just boarded
the Red October.
Sean Connery.
And God knows Sam doesn't have
the heat at this school yet.
Hold on, there's someone at this school
who just might have the juice...
Dave Karofsky.
Holy crap.
I'm a closet lesbian and a judgmental bitch,
I have awesome gaydar.
You haven't asked us anything about our New York trip.
Is it because it's too painful?
Yes, as a matter of fact,
but while the New Directions!
Are preparing to perform at Nationals,
the Warblers are preparing to perform at a nursing home
in a strip mall next to a National Bank.
But I'm so proud of you guys.
We miss you so much.
Isn't there any way you could come back to McKinley?
I told him, I would be all for it if it wasn't for Karofsky.
Wait, what did you just say?
Kurt needs to be safe.
Okay, can we please change subject?
- I'm just saying... - That's it.
Kurt's the trick to winning prom queen and getting Britt,
not to mention totally boosting our chances at Nationals.
If I could get Kurt back, I'd be a hero.
Even Quinn and Finn would vote for me.
And the key?
Karofsky.
I've got to gay-- Go.
Go-- I've got to go.
Um, why is Ms. Pillsbury here?
She's helping us out with this week's assignment.
Now, this is the only club
at school that is represented
by just about every race, religion,
sexual orientation and clique,
but many of you are still having a hard time with acceptance.
That's crazy, Mr. Shue. We love each other.
No, I won't deny that you accept each other,
but you don't accept yourselves.
This week's assignment has two parts.
I want all of you to sing songs about accepting yourself
for who you are-- The best and the worst parts.
What's the second part? Well,
we're going to do a group number
by the queen of self-love--
Gaga.
We're going to perform
her anthem to acceptance-- "Born This Way."
Yes!
Wait, wait, I still don't know why Ms. Pillsbury is here.
I'm here to help you with your costumes for the big number.
Each of you will be issued a beautifully fitted
white T-shirt.
We will then use this letter press...
to write a word or a phrase
that best describes the thing about you
that you're the most ashamed of
or you'd like to change but you can't
because you were born that way, which is super terrific. I want you
to love those parts of you, you know, embrace them,
wear them on your chest with pride.
Can you give an example?
Yeah.
It's the big moment.
Wow, Emma, I thought the whole purpose
of you doing this was to write...
Being a ginger has plagued me my entire life.
People say that I smell like copper,
I can get a sunburn indoors at night,
and according to recent legend, I have no soul,
but I'm here to say that this very curse
is what makes me unique.
Children,
I claim my gingerhood before you today.
I was born this way.
Hooray.
Hooray!
Those crowns are a crock.
You know what I found out?
Not real jewels.
A crown hasn't rested on my head
since I won Miss Tiara Toddler Allen County.
Are you serious?
Yeah, three years in a row.
I dominated in Western Wear and Runway,
but my real talent was baby pull-ups.
31!
32! 33!
I was on my way to becoming Miss Ohio.
That is, until the shoddy Zizes thyroid kicked in
as well as a love of chips,
and suddenly I was denied entry
into the pageant circuit.
They said I no longer looked the part.
My dreams were dashed.
There's our future queen...
a size-two teenage dream.
You know what?
We're going to change that.
How?
Baby,
you're going to get that crown, and I'm gonna be your king.
Thanks for doing this.
I'm surprised more girls haven't asked me.
My nose is awesome.
I can totally count on your vote,
right? Yeah. To... totally.
So, what's it like?
Looking like you look?
I pretty much have a warped sense of the world.
Being a hot 17-year-old,
you can get away with or do anything you want,
so I kind of always assume
that people are always nice and accommodating.
Okay. So,
we, uh, ready to pull the trigger?
No, not... not quite yet. Um, I was kind of hoping
that I could get an idea of what I might look like
after the procedure.
Um, this is my friend Quinn.
Nice nose.
Thank you. Very nice.
Yeah, well, Rachel wants it.
No problem.
So I'll click some pics, make up some photo composites.
We'll be ready to rock and roll.
♪ I wish I could tie you up in my shoes ♪
♪ Make you feel unpretty, too ♪
♪ I was told I was beautiful ♪
♪ But what does that mean to you? ♪
♪ Look into the mirror ♪
♪ Who's inside there? ♪
♪ The one with the long hair ♪
♪ Same old me again today ♪
♪ My outsides are cool ♪
♪ My insides are blue ♪
♪ Every time I think I'm through ♪
♪ It's because of you ♪
♪ I've tried different ways ♪
♪ But it's all the same ♪
♪ At the end of the day ♪
♪ I have myself to blame ♪
♪ I'm just trippin' ♪
♪ You can buy your hair if it won't grow ♪
♪ You can fix your nose if you say so ♪
♪ You can buy all the makeup that MAC can make ♪
♪ But if ♪
♪ You can't look inside you ♪
♪ Find out who am I to ♪
♪ Be in a position to make me feel so ♪
♪ Damn unpretty ♪
♪ I feel pretty ♪
♪ Oh, so pretty ♪
♪ I feel pretty and witty and bright ♪
♪ And I pity ♪
♪ Any girl who isn't me tonight ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Tonight ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ I feel pretty ♪
♪ You can buy your hair if it won't grow ♪
♪ Oh, so pretty ♪
♪ You can fix your nose if you say so ♪
♪ I feel pretty and witty ♪ ♪ You can buy all the makeup ♪
♪ And bright ♪ ♪ That MAC can make, but if ♪
♪ You can't look inside you ♪
♪ Find out who am I to ♪
♪ Be in a position to make me feel so ♪
♪ Damn unpretty ♪
♪ I feel pretty ♪
♪ But unpretty. ♪
Beautiful job, ladies.
She's got my vote.
She's such an inspiration.
It's nice to see someone like me on a poster for a change.
What are you doing?
Oh, hey. I'm running for prom queen.
As a joke, right?
Does it look like I'm joking?
Well, when your name appears on that ballot,
the whole school's going to think it's a laugh riot,
and you may just get enough votes to win.
That's sort of the idea.
And as everybody snickers as they try
to squeeze that tiara onto your head,
somebody's going to spill pig's blood on you,
or something like that, and you'll become
more of an outcast than you already are.
Okay. I don't know exactly what your problem is,
but you best bring it, Fabray.
Because I'm hot as hell,
I keep it real, and the people at this school
want a prom queen who's like them.
No, they want a prom queen
who's somebody they'd like to be.
Look.
Not everybody can be born pretty like you.
But just so you know, who you are inside
and who you pretend to be to the rest of the world--
They're two different people.
You don't know anything about me, Lauren.
Anything. But you know what?
You're about to.
Because it just got personal.
I knew you'd ask me out eventually.
I'm kind of Duke Stud at McKinley.
Give it up. I know.
Know what?
That you're gay.
What? Who told you that?
No one had to tell me.
First of all, I saw you checking out Sam's ass the other day.
You know, you really need
to be more careful with your leering.
I didn't. I was just seeing what jeans he was wearing.
Like that's any less gay.
Second of all, I know about you and Kurt.
Remember last week before the benefit?
About you being worried about "the truth" getting out.
Guess what. It's out.
Whatever they told you is a lie to mess with me.
I'm going to kick their asses.
Okay, you know what? Why don't you just settle down
and let Auntie Tana here tell you a little story.
It's about you.
You're what we call a "late in life gay."
You're going to stay in the closet,
get married, get drunk to have relations with your wife,
have a couple kids, maybe become
a state senator or a deacon,
and then get caught in the men's room tapping your foot
with some page, and you know what?
I accept that about you.
Why are you doing this?
Because I need you,
and you need me.
We play on the same team.
You're...
Look, I'm not ready
to start eating jicama
or get a flat top yet, either.
Maybe in junior college.
This is garbage.
I'm not gay.
I'm trying to help you out here.
Have you ever heard of the term "beards?"
It's when a gay man and woman
date each other to hide the fact that they're gay.
Like the Roosevelts.
So you and I are going to be each other's beards,
and then we're going to win
prom king and queen and rule the school.
And what if I say no?
Then I'm going to tell everyone about you,
and your life will be over.
The only straight I am is straight-up bitch.
You in or not?
What you're doing is terrible.
I have a nice nose.
Rachel asked me for help, and I'm giving it to her.
And once again, we are fighting about Rachel.
I'm your girlfriend.
Look, this isn't about who's my girlfriend.
Mr. Shue is trying to get us
to accept ourselves for who we are,
and you're helping Rachel do the exact opposite.
That's not cool. Yeah, well, maybe
I'm not down with this week's lesson.
I love this lesson.
♪ Whether I'm right ♪
♪ Or whether I'm wrong ♪
♪ Whether I find a place in this world or never belong ♪
♪ I gotta be me ♪
♪ The dream that I see makes me what I am ♪
♪ That far-away prize ♪
♪ A world of success ♪
♪ Is waiting for me if I heed the call ♪
♪ I won't settle down ♪
♪ Won't settle for less ♪
♪ As long as there's a chance that I can have it all ♪
♪ I'll go it alone ♪
♪ That's how it must be ♪
♪ I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me ♪
♪ I gotta be free ♪
♪ I've gotta be free ♪
♪ Daring to try, to do it or die ♪
♪ I've gotta be me ♪
♪ That far-away prize ♪
♪ A world of success ♪
♪ Is waiting for me if I heed the call ♪
♪ I won't settle down ♪
♪ Won't settle for less ♪
♪ As long as there's a chance ♪
♪ That I can have it all ♪
♪ I'll go it alone ♪
♪ That's how it must be ♪
♪ I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me ♪
♪ I gotta be free ♪
♪ I just gotta be free ♪
♪ Daring to try, to do it or die ♪
♪ I gotta ♪
♪ Be me. ♪
All right, Finn!
Perfect! See, guys, someone who's not afraid
to point out something they're really bad at.
But I'm getting better, right?
Mr. Schuester?
May I have the floor, please?
It's yours.
So, as all of you know, I've had a few consultations
with a doctor who specializes in rhinoplasty.
Yes, we know.
That's all any of us have been talking about.
And we think it's a terrible idea.
Okay. Blue eyes, you're such a hypocrite.
I admit, yes, I don't like my eyes sometimes--
The shape, the color--
But your self-hatred, Rachel, has helped me see the light.
I love myself.
Not enough, clearly.
When you get a nose job, when you change your eyes,
when you bleach your freckles,
you're just announcing to the world,
"I don't like myself very much."
The drams of this week
have made me realize,
if I don't have many Asian sex symbols to look up to,
I have an obligation to maybe become one myself.
My new mantra is
"Be the change you want to see in the world."
I love you so much right now.
Uh... okay, uh... Okay, okay, okay.
Besides Tina's abrupt personal transformation,
the compositions came back from the doctor,
showing what my nose would look like slightly altered,
and I have to say, I'm really happy with the results.
They're less Hebraic, and more Fabrayic.
That doesn't really look like you.
Every year, girls show up to my temple
after their 16th birthday,
looking suddenly slightly different.
And you know what?
Even though it's easier to make out with them
without getting constantly stabbed in the eye,
they're not as hot.
Well, this isn't about being hot.
It's about conquering your destiny,
and finding something in yourself that you want to change
and change it.
Plus, they said that it could improve my voice, so...
Look, if you guys aren't willing to support my decision,
then I'm pretty accustomed to making it on my own.
Rachel, please don't do this.
You're beautiful.
This isn't a discussion.
I have made up my mind.
Rachel Berry is getting a nose job.
Hey. Hey.
How's the assignment going?
Well, I actually wanted to talk to you about that.
Oh.
The word you put on your T-shirt.
Ginger?
Right.
I was a little disappointed.
You and I both know you should have put OCD on it.
Well, I don't think it's appropriate
to talk about such personal things with them.
Really, those kids have to trust me.
I'm supposed to be a role model.
And you're not being one.
We're trying to teach these kids to... to accept themselves,
and you refuse to.
Will, you know I wasn't born this way.
It all started when I was five.
And you never had any anxiety before that?
I understand I was a very colicky baby.
I mean, I remember getting kicked out of preschool
because I was having panic attacks when they made us
use manila paper, but...
You have a severe anxiety disorder, Emma.
All of us just humor it because you function so well,
and you're so cute about it,
but it's really keeping you from enjoying your life.
Okay, fine. Do you know what?
If you want me to wear a shirt
that says "Batty" or "Loon" on it, I will.
Totally fine.
So what if I like my fruit free of contaminants?
Isn't that healthy?
You know what I want?
I want you to have lunch with me.
Is that unwashed fruit?
Yep. Here.
Have a blueberry.
Ugh!
Come on. Uh-uh.
No. Stop. This isn't funny.
I'm just trying to help you get better.
I think accepting the fact that you have a problem
is the first step.
Okay, what? And you think torturing me
with unwashed fruit's going to make me take that step?
You know what I think, Emma?
I think you are an expert at deflection.
Is that a new shirt?
And I think you work so hard
at helping other people-- Counseling them--
So that you can avoid doing the hard, painful work on yourself.
Okay, listen, I'm all... That's all I'm asking for.
Let me finish. Excuse me.
Quiet! No.
Quiet, okay? We don't care what he has to say.
Shh. Now, I know David has had some issues in the past,
but I have great respect for what he's doing right now,
and I ask you to hear him out.
Thank you. How about we punch his face?
Right. Okay, that's enough, guys.
Excuse me. Everyone listen up.
First, I just want to say how sorry I am
for what I did to Kurt
and for what I've done to a lot of you.
I think I've slushied every one of you.
I treated Kurt the worst,
and I'm really ashamed
of who I am
and what I did.
Why should we believe you?
You don't have to.
I know I'll need to earn your trust.
All I can say is that Santana has really helped me
to see the light.
She showed me all these stories online about kids
jumping off of bridges and hanging themselves
because they were being bullied so bad.
I couldn't believe
someone could make another person feel that awful,
but she helped me accept
that I was one of those bad people,
and I don't want to be anymore.
Wait. Santana?
This Glee Club is not complete.
Not without Kurt.
So I've taken it upon myself to try to rehabilitate Dave
to see if maybe Kurt would
consider coming back and help us win nationals.
I did this for us,
and then something funny happened.
Something... called love.
I'm going to barf.
I want Kurt to feel safe
to come back, which is why
Santana and I have started a new club--
The Bully Whips.
The name was my idea.
We're going to be like guardian angels.
I have deputized David and Santana
and the rest of their club to roam the halls,
identifying bullying and stopping it in its tracks.
I'm saying I want the pants, okay?
The ones you have on right now.
Then, what will I wear for the rest of the day?
That's a YP-- Your problem, not an MP-- My problem.
Hey, Z, back off. Say what?
What is this? Berets?
Everyone deserves a safe
school environment. Don't pick on this kid.
It's not cool, and we won't allow it anymore.
I'm planning on reaching out to Kurt personally,
through Principal Figgins,
to try to make amends.
This is a chance to really change this place.
I hope you can support us.
You know, you talk a great game, but all I'm hearing is talk,
and talk isn't going to keep Kurt safe.
But the anti-bullying club that David started will.
The fact is,
since the club began enforcing the no-bullying rule,
we haven't had one incident.
Yeah, and if I took all the water out of the ocean,
it wouldn't be wet anymore.
The bullying stopped because your top offender stopped.
Mr. Hummel. Can I call you Burt?
Of course.
You remember how understanding
I was about this when it all began.
I didn't come to David's defense.
I believed your son.
That's because the David I was seeing was not
the young man I knew.
The boy I raised was a Cub Scout.
He was kind, he was a good citizen.
I still don't know what was going through
his mind when all this bullying stared,
but I can tell you that the David I'm seeing now
is my son, back again.
This... this is real.
Do you have any idea how much stress
this has caused my family?
My son having to leave his friends.
My wife and I spending money
we don't have on private school 'cause of your son.
Burt, were you always so accepting of homosexuals?
We're the same age.
I remember what we used to say
about the gays when we were younger.
Now, it's taken us
a long time to figure out what's right.
Why can't you just allow David the couple months
that it's taken him to figure it out?
Because he said he's going to kill my son!
I never actually meant that, though.
It's just a figure of speech.
How's he supposed to know what?
Your words still matter, David.
I know.
You have to believe how awful I feel about them.
Those ones, especially.
That's not me. Not anymore.
What do you think, Kurt?
I believe he realizes what he did was wrong.
You're only saying that because you want
to be back in this school so bad.
Can Dave and I speak for a moment alone?
You can wait right outside in the hall.
Let's go.
Yeah.
What's your angle here?
I'm just trying to make things right.
David, I know, remember?
And I haven't told anyone.
Why? It would have made your life
a lot easier.
I don't believe in denying who you are,
but I don't believe in outing, either.
But still, you owe me
the truth.
What's going on here?
It was Santana's idea.
She wants to be prom queen,
so she figures, if we can get you back,
we'll get everyone to vote for us.
I'm both repulsed and impressed by her Lady Macbethian ways.
Hmm. A Latina Eve Harrington.
Okay, if you're going to be gay,
you simply must know who that is.
Look, I don't know for sure I am gay, okay?
Stop being such a broken record.
Okay, I have several options here.
I could tell everyone the truth about you...
Dude, I said I'm sorry. You said you wouldn't do that!
Hold on.
Or I can return here and marvel with pride
at your new anti-bullying movement,
which I fully believe in,
and further demand that you and I start a chapter
of PFLAG here at William McKinley.
Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.
You need to be educated, David.
You may not have to come out, but you need to be educated.
Oh, man, just kill me now.
Just keep an eye on your brother.
One step ahead of you.
You can't be in here, Noah.
It's cool. I checked through the peep hole I drilled
last year to make sure no one was going.
What can I help you with today?
I just want to talk to you, one hot Jew to another.
Oh, God. Look, it's my nose, okay?
I am tired of the lectures.
Hear me out. Why are you getting Quinn's nose?
If you want to breathe better,
why don't you have him give you Karl Malden's nose?
Your nose has been passed down
from generation to generation as a birthright.
It's a sign of the survival of our people.
This has nothing to do with our religion.
I need one hour of your time tomorrow. Just one hour.
Give me that, and I'll never bug you again.
What the hell is going on?
Well, my fellow Glee Clubbers,
it's noon, which means... it's official.
What's official?
My transfer!
Kurt Hummel's back at McKinley!
Hi.
Let me breathe! Let me breathe!
Let's get ready for Nationals.
Not yet.
See, there's a reason we're meeting here today.
There's some people that wanted to say good-bye to you, Kurt.
Kurt,
Dalton's going to miss you.
You were a great addition to the Warblers,
and you made us a better team.
I'm sad to see you go, but we all know
this is something that you really want.
And I'll still have you after school and on the weekends,
but these guys won't, so they wanted to say good-bye.
And thank you, Kurt.
♪ I walked across an empty land ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I knew the pathway like the back of my hand ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I felt the earth beneath my feet ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Sat by the river and it made me complete ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Oh, simple thing, where have you gone? ♪
♪ I'm getting old and I need something to rely on ♪
♪ So tell me when you're gonna let me in ♪
♪ I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin ♪
♪ And if you have a minute why don't we go ♪
♪ Talk about it somewhere only we know? ♪
♪ This could be the end ♪
♪ Of everything ♪
♪ So why don't we go ♪
♪ Somewhere only we know? ♪
♪ Somewhere only we know ♪
♪ Somewhere only ♪
♪ We know ♪
♪ If you have a minute ♪
♪ Ooh... oh-oh... ♪ ♪ Why don't we go ♪
♪ Talk about it ♪
♪ Ah... oh ♪ ♪ Somewhere only we know? ♪
♪ This could be the end of everything ♪
♪ So why don't we go ♪
♪ Somewhere only we know? ♪
♪ Somewhere only we know ♪
♪ Somewhere only we know. ♪
I'm never saying good-bye to you.
Hey. Hi.
Hey.
No crying, no crying.
We love you.
♪ I don't know why I'm frightened ♪
♪ I know my way around here ♪
♪ The cardboard trees ♪
♪ The painted scenes ♪
♪ The sound here ♪
♪ Yes, a world to rediscover ♪
♪ But I'm not in any hurry ♪
♪ And I need a ♪
♪ Moment ♪
♪ The whispered conversations ♪
♪ In overcrowded hallways ♪
♪ The atmosphere ♪
♪ As thrilling here ♪
♪ As always ♪
♪ Feel the early morning madness ♪
♪ Feel the magic in the making ♪
♪ Why ♪
♪ Everything's as if we never said ♪
♪ Good-bye ♪
♪ I've spent so many mornings ♪
♪ Just trying to resist you ♪
♪ I'm trembling now ♪
♪ You can't know how ♪
♪ I've missed you ♪
♪ Missed the fairy tale adventure ♪
♪ In this ever-spinning ♪
♪ Playground ♪
♪ We were young ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ I'm coming out of makeup ♪
♪ The lights already burning ♪
♪ Not long until the cameras ♪
♪ Will start turning ♪
♪ And the early morning madness ♪
♪ And the magic in the making ♪
♪ Yes, everything's as if we never said ♪
♪ Good-bye ♪
♪ I don't want to be alone ♪
♪ That's all in the past ♪
♪ This world's waited long enough ♪
♪ I've come home ♪
♪ At last ♪
♪ And this time will be bigger ♪
♪ And brighter ♪
♪ Than we knew it ♪
♪ So watch me fly ♪
♪ We all know ♪
♪ I can do it ♪
♪ Could I stop my hands from shaking? ♪
♪ Has there ever been a moment ♪
♪ With so much ♪
♪ To live for? ♪
♪ The whispered conversations ♪
♪ In overcrowded hallways ♪
♪ So much to say ♪
♪ Not just today but always ♪
♪ We'll have early morning madness ♪
♪ We'll have magic in the making ♪
♪ Yes, everything's as if we never said ♪
♪ Good-bye ♪
♪ Yes, everything's as if ♪
♪ We never said ♪
♪ Good-bye... ♪
♪ We taught the world ♪
♪ New ways to ♪
♪ Dream... ♪
Hey, Lucy.
What did you just call me?
Well, that certainly got your attention.
Can we speak privately?
Well, you may want to have a seat.
Yeah.
My dad's college roommate was G. Gordon Liddy...
and he taught my pop a valuable lesson.
He said the key to any campaign is digging up dirt
on your opponent, so I did a little digging.
Dude, my permanent record has three volumes.
I don't remember doing half this stuff.
Jackpot.
You moved to Lima after eighth grade, right?
I transferred from Fairbrook. That's not a secret.
Well, you must have had a pretty lousy attendance record
because I called Fairbrook Middle School
and they didn't have
a record of anyone named Fabray,
which makes sense,
as you actually lived
in an unincorporated part
of Fairbrook Township, which would have meant
you would have gone to Belleville Middle School,
not Fairbrook.
So I took a little field trip.
You didn't. I did.
And you know what? They didn't have
a record of anyone named Quinn Fabray, either.
They did, however, have someone named Lucy Fabray--
Lucy Q. Fabray,
to be exact,
and she looked like this.
You can kind of see the resemblance
if you look past the nose job and subtract, eh, 70 pounds.
Stop, okay?
That's me.
My middle name is Quinn.
I stopped going by Lucy because kids made up a mean nickname.
Juicy Lucy?
Lucy Caboosey.
I hated the way I looked.
I had zits. I was chubby.
I felt terrible about myself.
I didn't have friends.
Nobody would talk to me.
I was the only kid at school who had to dissect their own frog
because nobody would be my lab partner.
And then I joined ballet,
lost a little bit of weight,
found out I was athletic, joined gymnastics,
then cheerleading.
Went on Proactiv for my acne.
And when my dad got transferred
and got a raise, I asked him if I could get a nose job.
And he said yes.
Then I asked them to call me Quinn.
So you hate yourself.
No, I love myself.
And that's why I did all those things.
I've been that girl, and I'm never going back.
I was a miserable little girl.
And now I'm going to be prom queen.
Yeah. See, I wouldn't be so sure about that.
You think everyone's going to vote for you
because they want to be like you.
Well, I don't know if they're going to want to be like you
when they find out that you're a complete fraud.
What are you going to do?
If I were you, I'd check the bulletin boards.
Why did you bring me here?
Is there a sale at Claire's?
I brought you here to knock some sense into you.
You won't listen to me, you won't listen to Finn.
But you will listen to Barbra Streisand.
Thanks, Puck. I'll take it from here.
Nice effort.
But only I can lead this Barbravention.
Is she here? No. This is a mall in Ohio.
Look, Rachel, here's the deal.
Do you want to disappoint her?
Who? Barbra.
Of course not, Kurt. She's my idol. Okay, if you get
a nose job, then you will be spitting
on her legacy. Barbra refused
to believe that beauty could only be defined
by the blonde, chiseled faces of Hitchcock's beauties,
so she redefined what beauty was
and became the biggest female star in the world.
But what if I can't be like her?
Isn't she one in a billion?
So are you, Rachel.
And if you let one misguided societal pressure
make you change the way you look,
then you won't just be letting Barbra down,
you'll be letting down all the little girls
who are going to look at your beautiful face one day
and see themselves.
You'll be taking away their inspiration, too.
I thought you'd be hesitant,
which is why I brought you here.
Perhaps, if my words don't inspire you, song will.
Go.
What are you doing?
♪ Barbra Streisand ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Barbra Streisand ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Barbra Streisand ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Barbra Streisand ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Barbra Streisand ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Barbra Streisand ♪
♪ ♪
Okay.
So...
Nice and clean.
I'm afraid we're out of time.
What do you mean? I just sat down.
Well, the therapeutic hour is 50 minutes,
and you just spent 48 of them disinfecting the chair.
It's clear you have a...
a fairly severe case of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Really?
OCD's very treatable.
A combination of medication and behavioral therapy
will give you some relief from those feelings of...
of panic that you might feel
if, say, you think you forgot to unplug the curling iron or...
Oh, God, I think I forgot to unplug the curling iron.
There's a stigma in this country
about mental illness.
I mean, depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolar,
they're hard to diagnose, so...
people don't always appreciate that they're serious problems,
but they are.
Yeah, um...
I don't know.
You know, I'm not sure I want to lay on a couch
and tell some stranger all of my secrets.
And...
I don't want to start popping pills
just so I can turn into someone that other people want me to be.
This is how I am.
This is who I'm supposed to be.
Your illness is not who you're supposed to be.
It's keeping you from who you're supposed to be.
Look, you're a guidance counselor, right?
So if a student came to you and said they had diabetes,
would you give them insulin
or would you say, "Hey, that's just who you're supposed to be."
I...
I just feel, um...
I feel so ashamed.
Right.
Well, you're not alone.
After my daughter was born, I had a severe case
of postpartum depression.
I would look down
at this beautiful baby girl
like she wasn't even mine.
Like all the color just came out of the world.
But you know when the moment was
that I started to feel just a little bit better?
When I admitted that I needed some help.
Well...
that's what I'm here for.
Can I tell you something, Emma?
You're going to feel better.
I promise.
I'm going to give you an SSRI.
Start with a low dosage,
and that'll help you hold on to the serotonin
that your brain naturally makes anyway.
And I'd like to see you in about a week.
Hey.
Well, it's over.
What?
My campaign.
I'll never get elected prom queen now.
Can I show you something?
It's my girlfriend.
I used to have another photo, but... I like this one better.
Why?
She looks terrible. You think so?
Mm-hmm. 'Cause I think it's the first one
where you can really see her.
Thank you.
I'll see you in Glee rehearsal, okay?
She's, like, an inspiration.
One of us. One who overcame.
I always thought she was just some kind of stuck-up bitch,
but she's really one of the people.
Yeah, totally.
Yeah.
Holy crap, it's her.
Totally.
You have our votes, Lucy.
Totally.
Thanks.
I'll try not to let you down.
Jacob Ben Israel's
queen poll has you up by 40%.
I... suppose I...
had that result coming.
It's not cool...
what I did to you, and I apologize.
I respect you.
I had to get a nose job and go on a crazy diet
to walk around this school like I owned it.
And you just do it.
Well, I have to admit...
I have considered. Going blonde.
I'm not so sure.
Red, maybe.
Ooh, that's a great idea.
Red.
Hey.
Do you like my shirt for Glee Club?
It's perfect. I know.
Check out mine.
What? This is perfect.
Legend has it that when I came out of my mother,
I told the nurse she was fat.
Well...
I made a different one for you.
I'm Hispanic.
Wait, was that supposed to be "Lesbian"?
Yeah, isn't that what it says?
When you told me all that stuff the other week,
it meant so much to me.
To see you be so honest.
Especially 'cause I know how bad it hurt.
I was so proud of you.
Yeah, well, don't get used to it.
And certainly don't even think about telling anyone.
Why not?
You're like the most awesomest girl at this school.
Why would you try to hide any of that? I'm dating Karofsky now.
It's gross.
You don't get a say in who I date anymore.
Why not, because I'm dating somebody?
Because you're Lebanese and I think I'm bi-curious?
No. Because I said I love you.
You didn't say you love me back.
I do love you. Clearly you don't love you
as much as I do or you'd put the shirt on
and you would dance with me.
All right, guys.
Listen up.
You all did really good this week.
It was tough, but I think we came closer as a team
and I'm proud of you.
And now, I'd like to be the first one to show off
my custom T-shirt, revealing something
I was self-conscious about in the past,
something I was born with,
something I've come to accept about myself this past week.
So, drumroll, Finn.
I like your chin, Mr. Shue.
Yeah, I would've went with "Tears up a lot."
Uh, is everyone here?
Not everybody.
I wanted to thank you guys for my Barbravention.
And I have an announcement to make.
I went to my doctor
and...
I canceled my appointment.
And then I went home
and I made this.
Whoa.
So, unfortunately I can't join in on today's dance number.
My doctor said I have to stay away from vigorous choreography
while my nose heals.
So thanks for being patient.
And, Finn, next time,
watch out for the schnoz.
Where's Santana?
Probably off somewhere making out with Karofsky.
Yeah, he can have her.
Hit it!
♪ It doesn't matter if you love him ♪
♪ Or capital H-I-M ♪
♪ Just put your paws up ♪
♪ 'Cause you were born this way, baby ♪
♪ ♪
♪ My mama told me when I was young ♪
♪ We are all born superstars ♪
♪ She rolled my hair, put my lipstick on ♪
♪ In the glass of her boudoir ♪
♪ There's nothing wrong with loving who you are ♪
♪ She said, 'cause he made you perfect, babe ♪
♪ So hold your head up, girl, and you'll go far ♪
♪ Listen to me when I say ♪
♪ I'm beautiful in my way ♪
♪ 'Cause God makes no mistakes ♪
♪ I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way ♪
♪ Don't hide yourself in regret ♪
♪ Just love yourself and you're set ♪
♪ I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way ♪
♪ Don't be a drag, just be a queen ♪
♪ Whether you're broke or evergreen ♪
♪ You're black, white, beige, chola descent ♪
♪ You're Lebanese, you're Orient ♪
♪ Whether life's disabilities ♪
♪ Left you outcast, bullied or teased ♪
♪ Rejoice and love yourself today ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby, you were born this way ♪
♪ No matter black, white or beige ♪
♪ Chola or Orient made ♪
♪ I'm on the right track, baby ♪
♪ I was born to be brave ♪
♪ I'm beautiful in my way ♪
♪ 'Cause God makes no mistakes ♪
♪ I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way ♪
♪ Don't hide yourself in regret ♪
♪ Just love yourself and you're set ♪
♪ I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way ♪
♪ Born this way ♪
♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪ ♪ Baby, I was ♪
♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪
♪ Don't hide yourself in regret ♪
♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪ ♪ Baby, I was ♪
♪ I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way ♪
♪ I was born this way, hey ♪
♪ I'm on the right track, baby ♪
♪ I was born this way, hey ♪
♪ I was born this way, hey, I was born this way, hey ♪
♪ I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way, hey. ♪
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