AMY: I must say, Penny, this is great fun.
PENNY: Glad you're enjoying yourself.
AMY: Until I met you and Bernadette, my trips to the bathroom
had been entirely focused on elimination.
Now they have a delightful social aspect.
Amy, you must've been in the bathroom
with other women before.
(toilet flushes) Of course I have.
But they were strangers and seemed off-put
when I engaged in friendly stall-to-stall chit-chat.
Some women don't like to get chummy
when their panties are down.
You okay in there, bestie?
PENNY: I'm fine...
The reason I ask is that many people
experience bladder shyness;
the inability to pass uri...
PENNY: Yeah, I said I'm fine. Stop talking to me.
She always this crabby when she urinates?
We're really not that close.
Screw it. I'll go later.
And I'll be right by your side.
Did I tell you Priya invited
me and Howard to have dinner with her and Leonard?
Oh, that's nice.
No, it's not.
It's a strategic maneuver.
Leonard's new girlfriend is testing Bernadette's loyalty
to you and the group.
That bitch is crafty.
- You think? - Of course.
How does the cheetah attack a herd of wildebeests?
By going after its weakest member.
Well, what makes me the weakest member?
Your trusting nature coupled with your teeny-tiny body.
You wouldn't last a minute on the Serengeti.
Okay, Amy, you're being silly.
I'm not concerned about who hangs out with who.
And I certainly don't have a problem
with Leonard's new girlfriend who wears way too much makeup.
Ooh, these are cute.
It doesn't matter. I'm going to tell her we can't make it.
Oh, no. You have to go.
I don't understand.
I thought I was a teeny-tiny wildebeest.
You are-- with hair that smells like strawberries.
And we're going to use that to our advantage.
Wait. What are you talking about?
By accepting the invitation, Bernadette becomes
a double agent inside the enemy camp.
She could ferret out Priya's tactics,
identify her weaknesses
and feed her false information, such as:
Leonard's no stranger to back-alley cockfights.
I don't know. I'm not a very good liar.
They kind of whup that out of you in Catholic school.
Don't worry. I'll teach you.
I did two years of Cub Scouts
before they found out I was a girl.
Okay, I don't know you people.
I'm just an innocent woman wondering
if this shoe store will take my Texaco card.
How do you feel about concealing a recording device
in the cleavage of your ample bosom?
I don't want anything in my ample bosom.
Come on, Strawberries. Take one for the team.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪
♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪
♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪
♪ That all started with a big bang ♪
♪ Bang! ♪
♪ The Big Bang Theory 4x22 ♪ The Wildebeest Implementation Original Air Date on May 5, 2011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
- Okay, see you later. - Good news.
I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.
That is good news. Bye.
Uh, do you know how I solved
the balanced center combat-area problem?
Five words:
transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.
That... that's brilliant.
It's what I do.
But wait, there's more.
I also invented two new chess pieces.
The serpent... and the old woman.
Okay, now I have to ask. What do they do?
When the serpent slithers to an opposing player's piece,
that piece is considered poisoned
and will die after two more moves.
(slight groan)
All right.
Unless... it gets to the old woman in time,
in which case she sucks out the poison,
turning her into the Grand Empress:
a piece combining the power
of the knight, queen and serpent.
Elegant.
That's because it's simple.
Okay, well, I look forward to playing with you.
And...
And what?
And a third person.
It's three-person chess.
I must say, ever since you started
having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge.
You should reflect on that.
Excuse me, but Einstein had a pretty busy sex life.
Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces.
If he hadn't been such a hound dog,
we'd all have time machines.
Got it. Bye.
You know I'm right.
I think he's getting worse.
Oh, my metatarsal are barking.
- You okay? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm just breaking in some new shoes.
- Very pretty. - Thank you.
Did you know that women wear high heels
to make the buttocks and breasts more prominent?
Hadn't really thought about it.
Look.
Uh, sure. Very... prominent.
Please, Leonard, don't leer, you have a girlfriend.
- Sorry. - So, are you off to dinner
with Priya, Howard and Bernadette?
Yeah. How did you know?
I heard it at the mall,
when I was shopping with my girlfriends,
'cause, you know, that's kind of my life now.
Have a good night.
Try not to ogle my caboose as I walk away.
- Hey, you. - Hi.
Hey, Raj, will you be joining us for dinner?
The lonely guy and the two happy couples?
I'd rather get a prostate exam
from a leper who walks away with nine fingers.
Oh, would you please stop feeling sorry for yourself?
I have to feel sorry for myself. I'm the only one who cares.
Just like I'm the only one who'll have sex with me.
Really? In front of your sister?
We shared a room growing up. This is not news to me.
Excuse me. I'm going to go wander the streets alone.
Invisible, unwanted and unloved;
a pathetic shadow in a city with no heart.
I forgot my windbreaker. It's chilly.
I don't understand. Is this a way to break in new shoes?
No. Once these puppies touch the ground
they're mine, and I'll have to wear them
walking up and down Hollywood Boulevard
in order to pay them off.
(cell phone chimes)
Pretty, pretty, pretty.
Good news: the wildebeest is in the curry.
The what?
Bernadette is with Priya and Leonard.
Message received.
Commence operation "Priya Wouldn't Wanna Be-ya."
Hey. Seriously?
Didn't you get enough of this cliquey crap in high school?
I wish. A clique requires friends.
- I didn't have any. - None?
I used to take my lunch down to the maintenance room
and eat with the janitor.
It was nice until his wife called me a puta
and made me stop.
(cell phone chimes) Hang on.
It's the wildebeest.
Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.
W-What the hell did she say?
She thinks it's cool you're following your dream,
no matter what.
That bitch!
How do you want to handle it?
Um, okay.
Tell Bernadette to tell Priya that I'm on my way to Prague
to shoot a movie with Angelina Jolie.
Got it.
Is it going to be in 3-D?
What? I don't know. It doesn't matter.
I'm gonna say 3-D.
That'll let her know the studio has faith in it.
You're kidding. 3-D?
That's what I hear.
Then the studio must have real faith in it.
Wonder why she didn't tell me.
Have you been spending time with your ex-girlfriend?
No...
Then why are you surprised she didn't tell you?
Well, it's not as much "surprised" as
(stammering) you know... uh... the other thing.
What other thing?
(stammering) Well, if you... uh...
I don't... oh...
What's the word I'm looking for?
I'm not going to help you. This is hilarious.
She's also dating an astronaut.
Wow. That's very impressive.
Yeah. But Leonard's impressive, too.
Thank you.
"Befuddled."
The word I was looking for was "befuddled."
Knight to old woman...
six-and-a-third.
Brilliant move.
Thank you.
(knocking on door)
Will the two of you excuse me?
I need a hug.
Sorry, I have company.
Come on, Sheldon, open the door.
I don't want to hug you.
I don't want to hug you, either.
I was just feeling blue.
Blue, as in depressed.
Well, not so much depressed as lonely.
I don't know what color lonely is.
- What? - Red is angry;
yellow is frightened;
green is jealous; and blue is depressed.
Perhaps we can assign a color to lonely.
Nothing rhymes with orange. It's probably lonely.
All right. Come in.
You look positively orange with loneliness.
No, I don't see that catching on at all.
What are you doing?
I'm working on my three-person chess game.
Oh, cool. Can I play?
It's three-person chess.
Did you bring a friend?
No.
Then as a mental exercise I invite you
to figure out why the two of us can't play three-person chess.
Can you believe this guy?
Social protocol does, however,
require me to bring you a hot beverage
in your time of need.
No, thank you. I'm fine.
It's not optional.
We're out of tea. I hope you like bouillon.
I, uh, I guess you're probably wondering what's got me down.
Actually, I was wondering
if I could add a third new chess piece.
How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey--
the king's feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin?
I'm going to be 30 years old,
and I have no one in my life to love me.
I'm such a basket case, I can't even talk to a woman
without having alcohol in my body.
The fun thing about Prince Joey
is every time he moves, there's a one-in-five chance
he'll kill himself.
Sheldon, listen to me.
I have a big decision to make, and I'm scared.
Yellow. Go ahead.
A friend at the School of Pharmacology
gave me these new pills they're testing.
He says it's the next big thing
for social anxiety disorder.
Fascinating. What's in it?
I'm not sure.
Some sort of beta-blocker attached to a molecule
extracted from the urine of cows.
I like cows.
That's not the point.
It was its own point. Go on.
I'm a scientist.
My ability to think is my bread and butter.
I'm afraid if I take this, I might lose
that special, unique something that makes me so successful in my field.
Rajesh, I've had the privilege
of working alongside you for many years.
My recommendation is that you gobble these up like Tic Tacs.
Okay, I'm still trying to work this out.
How did Penny meet an astronaut?
I don't know.
The regular way people meet astronauts.
Most of those guys live in Texas.
Obviously, this one doesn't.
Okay.
Leonard lives here. Priya's from India.
People meet, Howard. God!
Fine.
You've met lots of astronauts,
and I've never grilled you about that.
I'd thank you to extend me the same courtesy.
I'm not grilling you; I was just curious.
I still can't get over the fact that she got a big movie part.
Not that I care what my ex-girlfriend's up to, 'cause I don't.
Maybe that's where she met the astronaut, all right?
I'm sorry. What would an astronaut be doing
working on a movie?
He's a consultant.
I thought the movie was about 18th-century Vienna.
He can't have a hobby?!
Excuse me, I have to pee.
Or is that implausible, as well?!
It's nice to have another couple to hang with, isn't it?
All right, guys, you have to go back.
I can't afford you.
(high-pitched): No, don't send us away; we love you.
(normal voice): I love you, too, but you cost more than my rent.
(high-pitched): But, Penny, you look so good in us.
Damn it, the shoes are right.
Good golly, Penny, your whimsy is boundless.
(phone ringing)
What do you got for me, wildebeest?
I think they're on to me.
The story's starting to fall apart.
Calm down. Everything's going to be okay.
We may have to kill her.
Bernadette, I'm putting you on speakerphone.
Where are you now?
In the bathroom.
Oh, look at this, another one of our classic bathroom gabfests.
What's the problem?
They're just asking me
all sorts of questions I can't answer.
Just change the subject.
I suppose I could get them back to talking about Leonard
going to India to meet Priya's parents.
What?!
They said something about going there this summer.
What, are they getting engaged?
I don't know. I was too busy covering my heinie
on Amy's stupid astronaut story!
What astronaut story?
You texted me Penny's dating an astronaut.
I texted "architect." That's amusing.
Auto-correct must've changed it.
Yeah, it's hysterical.
All right, look, just forget about the astronaut.
Architect. Where would you have met an astronaut?
Look, just find out what's up with this trip to India.
I don't want to do this anymore!
Don't you quit on us!
(knocking)
WOLOWITZ: Bernie, you okay?
It was an architect!
Thank you for coming with me, Sheldon.
You're a good friend.
I'm glad you think so.
That's what I strive to emulate.
Okay, let's see if this drug works.
Can I help you?
Forgive me for staring, but you're very beautiful.
Thank you.
That's a great accent. Where are you from?
India.
Oh, cool. I've always wanted to go there.
It's a beautiful country. You'd love it.
May I join you?
Uh, okay, sure. Why not?
My name is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali,
and this is my friend Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Hi.
There's no need to interact with me.
I'm just here to observe.
What's he observing?
We're scientists. We observe everything.
Here, go buy yourself a scone.
All right.
- And what is your name? - Angela.
Oh, derived from the word "angel." Appropriate.
You're cute.
I'd like to buy a scone.
Oh, I'm sorry, we're out.
We have muffins.
They sound delicious,
but this money is earmarked for scones.
ANGELA: What are you doing?!
Oh, just getting comfortable.
So how long have you lived in Los Angeles?
I...
They were out of scones.
Sheldon, I'm talking to someone.
You're being rude.
I'll bet you're an actress.
If not, you should be.
You have a very expressive face.
Oh, my God.
Wait, where are you going?
We were doing so well.
She never even got to see my penis.
Ta-da!
Who wants some more coffee?
Thanks, yeah. Sure.
Let me help you.
Nice to see that the gals are getting along.
"Gals"?
Who are you, Fred Flintstone?
This trip to India sounds fun.
Yeah, I think it will be.
Are you concerned your parents might not approve of Leonard?
A little.
They're very old-fashioned.
Well, I wouldn't worry about it.
It's not like you guys are getting engaged, right?
(chuckles)
Oh, God, no. We're not there yet.
Not engaged. Very interesting.
I have to tinkle.
You've been in there a lot tonight. Are you okay?
Yes. Are you writing a book?
Why are you getting upset?
I'm not upset. Maybe you're upset.
What's up with you?
Bernadette?
I can't do this anymore!
I'm a good girl!
I went to Catholic school!
Okay, well, it's getting late.
This was terrific.
You win.
Bernie?
I think the word you're looking for is "befuddled."
My catapult flings my bishop
to Howard's Queen's Gorilla two.
Nice.
Okay, rook to transporter pad.
And he comes out at...
...Leonard's Queen's Bishop five-and-a-third.
Check on Leonard.
Hang on.
When is my pawn allowed to use the golf cart?
When it's done charging.
Or you land on the time machine.
Obviously.
Oh, oh...
Beekeeper to King 12.
I capture your pope and release the swarm.
Checkmate on Sheldon.
I knew I should've given my pope the jet pack.
Hey, I've got winners.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==