Previously on The Hard Times of RJ Berger...
- Morning, Berger. - Oh, my God!
What are you doing here?
RJ, is that any way to treat a guest?
Are you asking me out on a date?
Yes, I am.
I suppose you're here to tell me...
to stay away from your mother.
You suppose correctly.
And if I don't?
Then, Mr. Sinclair...
Life becomes extraordinarily difficult for you.
A threat.
A promise.
There are quite a few secrets rattling around that skull of yours.
Secrets that the school board or your parole officer...
might find rather interesting.
With all due respect, Mr. Sinclair,
you have no choice but to obey.
With all due respect, Mr. Berger,
you can kiss my black ass.
What the...
No, no, no, not yet!
Damn it, Miles.
You pulled me out too soon!
I had him!
Five minutes. Not a second more.
Those were your instructions.
I had him.
Look at you, man.
You're coming apart at the seams.
If I wanted a sermon, I'd go to church.
Have you been cooking bacon?
Miles, what the hell were you doing?
The only thing that'll make you see the light.
Ugh!
Wakey, wakey. Eggs and bac-y.
Your mama made us breakfast.
My name is RJ Berger.
And every morning I wake up to the same nightmare.
Mm, deeeelicious.
Deeelighted to hear it.
Well, I'm ghost.
Got to let the golf team in...
for their morning workout.
Want a ride to school, son?
No, I'll... I'll take the bus.
This is, um, surreal enough already.
Eh, suit yourself.
I'll see you later.
Mm, hmm-hmm-hmm.
Mm!
Damn!
Yeah.
Whoo.
Mm.
- RJ, honey, we have to talk. - I agree.
Should I change the locks, or should you?
What, Jeriba?
Oh, no, honey. Don't worry about him.
He's just a warm body to fill the void.
No, it's that tomorrow...
is your daddy's and my 20th anniversary.
Oh.
So I was hoping you could be here in the evening.
Okay, what for?
So mommy doesn't have to be alone with the sad monsters...
that live inside her heart.
Why can't he hang with you?
RJ, we've discussed this. He can't do Friday nights.
- Community service. - Community service.
It'll be fun.
We'll order armenian and play pictionary.
But mostly we'll just...
Not cry.
- Okay. - Okay.
Have you ever hit pause when the asian guy's naked...
in the hangover?
I mean, that's got to be the world's smallest penis.
- Miles, I... - Dude, seriously.
You can't even see it through the pubes.
My life is falling apart,
and this is what you want to talk about?
If you were a superhero, that little asian guy...
would be your arch-nemesis.
He'd be the ying to your wang.
Let me see your hand.
- What? - Let me see your hand.
How long it take you to write that?
All morning.
Damn, girl.
If you didn't already have a limp,
I would give you one.
I am going to hump...
your overdeveloped brains out your skull.
Mm!
Ugh.
Unbelievable.
Robo-troll has a boyfriend.
I can't even buy a second look from a blind girl.
That's it, man. I'm getting in shape.
Miles, you do this every couple of weeks.
You say you're going to get in shape.
You go home.
You jog half a mile. You vomit.
And then you spend the rest of the afternoon...
writing jokes on your hands.
Look, I love you, buddy. But you have the self-control...
of Lindsay Lohan's nostrils.
No, I'm serious.
I'm going to get in shape this time.
I'm getting' in shape.
RJ, you...
Got a minute?
Okay.
Is everything okay?
Uh, not really.
But, hey, I got my first paycheck...
as a substitute teacher.
Although after taxes and a week's rent,
it comes to 23 bucks.
Although you'd be surprised at how far that goes...
at 7-11.
- I got to get to class. - Right.
RJ, I was just wondering if, uh,
if you were free to spend a little time...
with your old man tomorrow night.
Oh, actually, I've... I've already made...
It's just that I don't trust myself to be alone...
on my first anniversary away from mommy.
I'll be honest, son.
$18.50 of that $23 went to five bottles of red wine.
Right now they're the only, uh, company I've got.
Yeah, dad.
Of course I'll...
All right! Oh, thank you so much!
Oh, you have made a sad, sad man...
just a tiny, tiny bit less sad.
This is going to be great.
Now, I'll... I'll fire up the hot plate,
and I'll whip up some Franks,
and I've got this little doohickey from radio shack...
that lets you hook up a VCR to a TV,
so we can watch our favorite tape together,
just like old times.
Miles...
I need you to come hold me.
Oh, you're so strong.
Being a male cheerleader...
is like having McDonald's and burger king...
all at once, Miles.
First you see the golden arches.
Then you have it your way.
Oh, Miles!
That's amazing.
Hands off, bitch! He's mine!
Uh-uh, girl. He's mine!
Whoa, whoa.
Easy.
There's plenty to go around.
God gave me ten fingers.
Keep your hands off him.
Going to get what I want.
Yeah, baby!
Spirit fingers.
So great, instead of one clinically depressed parent,
I get both of them.
Guess if I leave my mom's early enough,
I can make it over to my dad...
before he weeps his way through our old vacation photos.
I'm telling you, as a veteran of divorce,
these things never end well.
Yeah, I know, but what am I supposed to do?
I can't let them both down.
Are you kidding me? They let you down.
Listen, RJ, I know what you're going through.
Believe me.
And I know how tempting it is...
to play the nice guy.
But you have to stop trying to please everybody else...
and start taking care of yourself.
Your parents are grown-ups.
- Not really. - Okay, well, maybe not.
But I do know that it is their job...
to take care of you, and not the other way around.
So are you still planning on doing this alone?
Well, I-I don't really think I have another choice.
Well, I could maybe go with you...
for moral support.
You are aware that my mom and coach are...
Crazy.
And completely self-absorbed and psycho.
Yeah, I totally know that.
But that is divorce, RJ.
My parents went through the same thing.
Except, actually, it was my dad that left for a black guy.
Yeah.
The point is, sometimes everybody needs...
a little support.
So my mom's apartment, 6:30.
It's a date.
Stop, stop, stop!
What was that?
Um, Robin, what are you guys doing?
What does it look like we're doing?
We're practicing?
I'm team captain. I lead practice.
Well, you were late.
And we got tired of waiting.
- Oh, really. - Hey!
What the hell?
'Sup, chicken heads?
Anybody need a lift?
Morning, bud.
Hey, dad. Can we talk about something?
Look what I've got.
Sir Homie, The Brown Knight? No way!
It's one of the few things your mom sent me...
that I didn't burn.
- That's good. - Yeah.
Uh, hey, about tonight.
Hey, look, I got to tell ya.
If I didn't have this to look forward to,
if I didn't have you to depend on,
I-I might die of a broken heart.
- Dad, don't say that. - No, no, it's true.
And someday I'm going to go to Israel...
and plant a tree in your name...
because you saved a life today.
No, well, listen to me babble on.
Um, you were going to say something, sorry.
Go ahead.
I was going to say...
I have something to do earlier in the evening,
so I was kind of hoping we could meet up...
a little later on.
Oh, so when you say something,
you really mean someone, huh?
Huh?
- Uh... - Yeah?
Someone.
Attaboy!
Sure, we can meet later. Absolutely.
So in other words, you pussed out.
He was desperate, Miles. What else was I supposed to do?
Wait, wait a second.
So y'all mean to tell me I'm the only one here...
whose parents are happily married?
170 IQ with a stable, upper-middle class home life.
Ha!
Who's your stereotype now, homie?
Well, you are dating a white girl with a huge ass.
True.
If I were you, I'd call his bluff.
I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen?
Uh, I don't know.
I mean, he could kill himself.
Bingo.
And you got a spare dad waiting in the wings.
Miles, I don't want coach to be my dad.
I don't even want him to be my coach.
All I'm saying is give the guy a chance.
He's friends with pimps.
- Mm. - Wow.
Another selfless act of friendship.
You know, you'd be a lot cuter if you didn't talk.
Oh, and you'd be a lot smarter.
Ooh.
I like this girl more every day.
Me, too.
Well, I think it's time for me to get...
to cheerleading practice.
I am going to have McDonald's...
and Burger King today.
And how is that different from any other day?
Ohhh!
- Ohhh! - Hey!
Well played, baby.
Jeriba.
Hey, Rick.
Ohhh.
How's it hanging?
Oh, you know. Alone.
Big plans for this weekend?
- Me? - Yeah.
Nah.
Not a damn thing.
Well, unless you count leaving my mark...
on some fine white ass.
And you?
Oh, actually, I'm getting together...
with RJ tonight.
Going to have some old-fashioned father-son bonding.
Is that so?
Mm-hmm.
Good luck with that.
Oh, my God. I'm doing it!
Ready to come down? Yeah.
One, two... ah.
- Whoo! - Yes!
Shut up and do it again.
Okay.
Oh, no, wait, wait.
Whoa, everybody stop.
What the hell, Meredith?
I have girl cramps.
Like I care!
Get over there and do it again!
Maybe we should let her take a break.
Maybe you should let me instill some discipline...
in these girls,
since you're obviously not capable.
Meredith, do it again.
- Are you okay? - Mm-hmm.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Oh.
Cheerleading rocks.
Heh, heh, heh.
Agh, blood!
Ohhhhh!
Oh, my God.
Dude, it's just blood.
Just blood?
Period blood isn't just...
Period blood isn't just blood.
Period blood is what the devil makes terrorists drink in hell.
Yeah, well, you're going to give yourself a blister.
Who cares?
I probably need a full face transplant!
Damn it!
Why can't anything just go right for me?
- Come on, Miles. - Seriously!
I just wanted to lose some weight...
to get girls to like me.
Now I'm going to be hearing vampire jokes...
the rest of my life.
Miles.
Buddy, come on.
When a girl likes you...
For real, likes you...
It's not because you're skinny or attractive...
or chiseled.
It's because you're you.
You're funny, you're cool, you're sincere.
The kind of guy who spends an entire morning...
writing jokes on his hand to make his buddy laugh.
Look.
I know this is supposed to be a nice friendship moment.
And don't get me wrong.
I really appreciate it, man.
I really do.
But, uh,
I had a girl's period blood on my face.
Yeah, we should get back to scrubbing.
Put some elbow grease in it.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Lift, one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
You call that a lift, bitch tits?
Stop shaking!
I can't help it.
My goggles are so fogged up, I can't see anything.
Awww.
I know it's hard lifting that cow up in the air,
but we don't want to drop her, do we?
Keep it up, girls. One, two, three, four.
Five, six...
Ow, that hurt!
Are you serious?
Oh, no. Are you hurt, Jenny?
My ankle.
Hey, what do you think you're doing?
Practice isn't over.
I'm taking her to the nurse, you psycho hose beast.
You do that,
and you're both off the squad for good!
Oh, I'm really going to miss the period blood...
all over my face!
Oh! You're finished, Swanson!
God. Back to one!
What are you looking at?
Mmm, look at that, huh?
Oh, that meat looks fantastic.
Yeah, wait till you see the real thing later.
Mom.
Surprise, mother...!
I thought you had...
What, community service?
Yeah, I know.
I slipped a crack head five bucks...
to clean that synagogue for me.
'Sides, I thought it'd be a good idea...
if we spent some quality time together.
You know, some family time.
Aren't you just the sweetest thing?
Oh, I just want to ungh!
So, RJ, why don't you and, um...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, mom, coach,
this is Amy.
- Amy. - Hi.
So you're the older woman Rj's been telling us about.
You are just as cute as a button.
And I can see what RJ meant when he said...
you have the curves of a video ViXen.
What? No, I'm... I never said that.
- Uh, no, that was me. - Oh, that was him.
Mm-hmm. Coach Sinclair.
- Hi. - How you doing?
You can call me Jeriba.
Okay.
Mm, okay. Have a seat.
I, uh, cooked up some of papa Sinclair's...
famous skirt steak...
and bought a few bottles of the good stuff...
to go with it.
And RJ,
if it's okay with your mama,
you and Amy can drink as much as you want.
Yeah, a few sips.
Let's pretend we're french for the evening.
Then the cop looked me dead in the eye,
put down his flashlight,
and said, "you sucked how many?"...
Honestly, that story gets funnier...
every time I hear it.
Oh, God.
Oh.
You don't know how I feel.
I can't believe it!
I'm...In...
Oh, these are tears I don't mind crying.
Tears of laughter. Yeah, laughter and camaraderie.
- Awww. - Yeah.
Ah, cin-cin.
We're sorry.
Your cellular account has been suspended...
due to nonpayment.
To speak...
Hey, keep it down!
I love that I just, like, caught RJ...
eating his own poopy.
- Mom, enough. - You ate your own poop?
- Oh, that ain't right. - It was Thanksgiving.
You know, I think my little gobbler...
just wanted a pre-Turkey snack.
- Okay, mom. - Goddamn, son.
Well, remind me never to kiss you again.
I honestly thought it was pumpkin pie.
But what are you going to do?
11-year-olds, you know?
- Uh, you were 11? - It was a bad year.
It was. It was a bad year.
Well, it's getting kind of late.
Um, we should be...
Opening up another bottle.
I completely agree.
Pray tell,
what strange manner of dress is this?
Oh, snap!
I done ended up in olden times.
Hey, quit it!
No!
I'll get it.
If that's the neighbor telling us to keep it down,
I'll kick... I'll kick his damn ass!
I bet you will.
Dad.
- I counted on you, RJ. - Son of a bitch.
I counted on you, and you weren't there for me.
Good evening, Amy. Hi, Mr. Berger.
- Jeriba. - Mm.
Guess who's coming to dinner.
You're drunk, Rick.
- Ohhh. - Now, honey.
You're pretty ...ed up yourself.
Jeriba, please.
Dad, I understand that you're mad.
I'm not mad.
I'm just...
Broken-hearted.
Dad, I'll go with you right now,
and we'll watch the movie.
Don't bother. You have a new brown knight now.
Hey!
That's some racist bull... right there, Berger.
Dad, it's not like that.
Mm.
Enjoy each other.
Well, one thing worse than a run-in...
with your drunk daddy.
That's a run-in...
with your drunk daddy and a cold skirt steak.
My name is RJ Berger,
and please let me wake up from this nightmare.
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