1
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Previously on
"United States of Tara"...
2
00:00:08,801 --> 00:00:10,467
Charmaine:
Tara, is there any way...
3
00:00:10,467 --> 00:00:12,467
That I'd watch wheels?
Hells yeah.
4
00:00:12,467 --> 00:00:15,567
Look, my brother says
the sooner I start,
5
00:00:15,567 --> 00:00:16,968
the sooner I'll be back.
6
00:00:16,968 --> 00:00:18,834
Just come back to us, okay?
7
00:00:18,834 --> 00:00:20,000
I liked you.
8
00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:23,634
I liked you, too.
9
00:00:23,634 --> 00:00:25,667
You're still in love with me.
10
00:00:27,634 --> 00:00:29,300
Your son got into
the film festival.
11
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Will you take me?
To New York?
12
00:00:30,634 --> 00:00:32,334
Marshall:
Max makes good.
13
00:00:32,334 --> 00:00:35,167
Is that really what you think
of our family, of me?
14
00:00:35,167 --> 00:00:37,200
"Max is a coward
for hanging in there."
15
00:00:37,968 --> 00:00:39,467
Ow! Mont...
16
00:00:39,467 --> 00:00:41,267
timeout!
Time-fucking-out!
17
00:00:41,267 --> 00:00:43,934
Why can't we live
in the same city?
18
00:00:43,934 --> 00:00:46,934
Ah, because life, my dear,
is not that neat.
19
00:00:46,934 --> 00:00:48,067
I mean, my sister's
a little loopy,
20
00:00:48,067 --> 00:00:49,167
you know, but she's better.
21
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I mean, she says she's better,
22
00:00:50,501 --> 00:00:52,501
so I have to believe she's better.
[ Wheels cries ]
23
00:00:52,501 --> 00:00:54,267
And who are you?
24
00:00:54,267 --> 00:00:56,000
I'm Bryce craine.
25
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:58,000
[ Vomits ]
26
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This is so good, mom.
I love the crab.
27
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[ Coughs ]
28
00:01:07,534 --> 00:01:08,934
[ Strained ] Extraordinarily
allergic to crab.
29
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I told you that.
30
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Call an ambulance!
31
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It's your big brother.
32
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Why did they pick
such an early flight?
33
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,367
Oh, free skykans ticket.
34
00:01:30,367 --> 00:01:32,300
One of the perks of squeezing
35
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:34,300
a low-budget-airline hostess
from my loins.
36
00:01:34,300 --> 00:01:36,133
[ Groans ] Speaking of loins,
37
00:01:36,133 --> 00:01:38,267
thank God
Neil comes home tomorrow.
38
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This is the longest
I've gone without sex,
39
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:44,100
unless you count,
you know, ages zero to 11.
40
00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:46,701
You lost your virginity
at 11? Who with?
41
00:01:46,701 --> 00:01:49,067
Benn bainer,
of the bainer brothers.
44
00:01:54,667 --> 00:01:56,434
Hey.
45
00:01:56,434 --> 00:01:58,734
Oh.
Did you ask her?
46
00:01:58,734 --> 00:02:00,567
I was waiting for you.
47
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Ask me what?
48
00:02:01,767 --> 00:02:03,601
Did you tell Max about Bryce?
49
00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:05,200
No.
50
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:06,400
What?
You didn't tell him?
51
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,167
And ruin his big trip?
No, ma'am.
52
00:02:09,167 --> 00:02:11,634
Tara, you have
a homicidal alter...
53
00:02:11,634 --> 00:02:14,167
Who tried to seafood
your Professor.
54
00:02:14,167 --> 00:02:16,167
It was a prank.
He's 14 years old.
55
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He didn't understand
the consequences.
56
00:02:18,334 --> 00:02:22,868
Uh, and are these, um,
stab wounds for ventilation?
57
00:02:22,868 --> 00:02:25,200
Trust me. I have it under control.
[ Cellphone beeps ]
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And you are saying this why?
59
00:02:30,834 --> 00:02:32,400
I thought he was
barfing up your pills.
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00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,934
[ Snorts ]
61
00:02:34,934 --> 00:02:38,067
Ohhhh.
Mother, there are no words.
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00:02:38,067 --> 00:02:41,033
Oh, honey, it's temporary, just
until your father gets home.
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And then
he and I will make a plan,
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00:02:42,934 --> 00:02:44,601
and we will execute said plan.
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[ Sniffs ]
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And it will be staggeringly
successful, I promise.
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00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:50,534
But until then...
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00:02:50,534 --> 00:02:52,734
Three snorts a day
keeps the psychos away.
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00:02:56,434 --> 00:02:57,501
Kate: Ugh.
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00:02:57,501 --> 00:02:59,033
Woman: Have a nice day.
Man: Thank you.
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So, did you find any treasures?
72
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I don't know.
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Does a sucked-on jolly rancher
stuck to a tray table count?
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Yes, it does.
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[ Both chuckle ]
76
00:03:08,834 --> 00:03:09,968
Mm.
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Mmm!
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00:03:11,067 --> 00:03:13,267
What is that...
chocolate and coconut?
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00:03:13,267 --> 00:03:15,467
Skykans'
signature disinfectant.
80
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Ooh. How decadent.
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00:03:16,567 --> 00:03:17,567
[ Chuckles ]
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I think that I'm tastier
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when I'm not chased
with a shot of feral 8-year-old.
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00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,767
Uh, yeah,
that is not ideal. Sorry.
85
00:03:22,767 --> 00:03:25,133
Corrine and I are still trying
to figure out our schedules.
86
00:03:25,133 --> 00:03:26,133
Don't worry about it.
87
00:03:26,133 --> 00:03:27,634
I think
that my domestic situation
88
00:03:27,634 --> 00:03:30,634
has yours beat
by like a gazillion.
89
00:03:30,634 --> 00:03:32,434
Intriguing. Continue.
90
00:03:32,434 --> 00:03:35,901
Okay. Sunday dinner
at the Gregson house.
91
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My mom assumes the identity
of her molesty stepbrother
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to nearly commit murder
by shellfish.
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The victim...
her psych Professor,
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00:03:42,334 --> 00:03:44,968
who is deathly allergic to crab,
which she knew about.
95
00:03:44,968 --> 00:03:45,968
Um...
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00:03:45,968 --> 00:03:47,667
My mom becomes different people
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00:03:47,667 --> 00:03:50,267
to cope with the shit
that other people do yoga for.
98
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It's some childhood trauma
dealing with her dad's son,
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00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:57,534
who did something to her
at a cornfield, or...
100
00:03:57,534 --> 00:04:01,300
Wait. Is this...
I-I-is this too much?
101
00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:03,100
N-no.
Hmm?
102
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:04,100
Uh, yeah.
103
00:04:04,100 --> 00:04:06,067
Um, it's, uh, a little bit...
104
00:04:06,067 --> 00:04:08,300
I mean, it's just a lot...
and quick.
105
00:04:08,300 --> 00:04:09,300
But...
106
00:04:09,300 --> 00:04:11,601
Good...
107
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Ultimately.
108
00:04:12,934 --> 00:04:15,067
Um, where...
where should we go?
109
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Uh, to Starbucks or quiznos?
110
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Marshall:
The world seems so small now.
111
00:04:19,234 --> 00:04:20,968
The entire world seems smaller?
112
00:04:20,968 --> 00:04:22,167
Compared to New York.
113
00:04:22,167 --> 00:04:24,367
That sofa is 3 inches shorter
than when I left.
114
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Look at that.
115
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In New York for five days,
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and Marshall's suddenly
Mr. New York.
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He's like
a regular Woody Allen.
118
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The only new yorker
that dad seems to know.
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We saw him everywhere we went.
120
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Apparently,
Woody Allen works the register
121
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at fao schwarz on fifth ave.
122
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A lot of people look alike
in this world.
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I've got to go to school.
124
00:04:44,067 --> 00:04:45,667
You two all right?
125
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Yeah, yeah.
It's... it's complicated.
126
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I'm proud of him, but we, uh...
127
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We got a little...
we got a little raw.
128
00:04:54,734 --> 00:04:56,868
I'll... I'll tell you
about it later.
129
00:04:56,868 --> 00:04:59,000
I-I sort of
need to talk now.
130
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Bad stuff? Big stuff?
131
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Uh...Yes.
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[ Chuckles nervously ]
133
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New alter.
134
00:05:08,234 --> 00:05:10,234
Oh, but please
don't make that face.
135
00:05:10,234 --> 00:05:12,400
Uh, I have it under control.
136
00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,133
I'm allowed to have
any look I want.
137
00:05:14,133 --> 00:05:15,834
You know
I'd have come home earlier.
138
00:05:15,834 --> 00:05:18,901
[ Sighing ]
Okay. All right.
139
00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:20,801
Who is she?
Good? Bad alter?
140
00:05:20,801 --> 00:05:23,868
Loves giving back massage
and knows the stock market?
141
00:05:23,868 --> 00:05:26,367
No? No? We're never gonna have
one of those, are we?
142
00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:28,033
[ Sighs ]
143
00:05:28,033 --> 00:05:31,667
He is 14 years old...
144
00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:34,133
And his name is...Bryce.
145
00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:35,834
Are you...
146
00:05:35,834 --> 00:05:36,934
Bryce?!
147
00:05:36,934 --> 00:05:38,801
As in Bryce Bryce?!
148
00:05:38,801 --> 00:05:40,434
I'm medicated...
heavily medicated.
149
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I have it
completely under control.
150
00:05:42,033 --> 00:05:44,234
Marshall: Dad, let's go!
We're gonna be late!
151
00:05:44,234 --> 00:05:46,300
Okay. We're not done.
152
00:05:47,534 --> 00:05:48,767
Okay.
153
00:05:49,934 --> 00:05:53,234
Look what I got...
Charmaine's famous hot cocoa
154
00:05:53,234 --> 00:05:55,501
with rum shots
and lucky charms.
155
00:05:55,501 --> 00:05:57,367
With just the horseshoes!
156
00:05:57,367 --> 00:05:59,234
Take off your jacket.
You're home.
157
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Mwah.
158
00:06:00,234 --> 00:06:01,634
I don't want to put her down.
159
00:06:01,634 --> 00:06:04,133
My arms have been itching
these last few weeks.
160
00:06:04,133 --> 00:06:07,067
Just been aching for her...
aching for her.
161
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,100
What's she doing?
162
00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:10,067
Is she... she laughing,
she drooling,
163
00:06:10,067 --> 00:06:11,634
she...
she rolling joints?
164
00:06:11,634 --> 00:06:12,701
[ Laughs ]
165
00:06:12,701 --> 00:06:14,567
She's got
three new facial expressions.
166
00:06:14,567 --> 00:06:15,567
Oh.
167
00:06:15,567 --> 00:06:16,767
This one when she's pooping.
168
00:06:17,767 --> 00:06:20,601
[ Laughs ]
"Constipated geriatric." Nice.
169
00:06:20,601 --> 00:06:21,601
Um, this one.
170
00:06:23,634 --> 00:06:25,100
"Elevator fart sniffer."
171
00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:27,000
And...
172
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,934
[ Laughing ] Oh!
"Roller-coaster douche bag"!
173
00:06:29,934 --> 00:06:32,067
Oh, you're so talented!
174
00:06:36,567 --> 00:06:39,367
[ Snorts ]
175
00:06:39,367 --> 00:06:40,434
[ Sniffs ]
176
00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:42,434
[ Exhales deeply ]
177
00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:48,367
Being born in New York does not
make you any more special.
178
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:51,701
It's luck.
Their movies were just okay.
179
00:06:51,701 --> 00:06:53,801
They're not magic geniuses
because they live
180
00:06:53,801 --> 00:06:55,934
on the upper West Side
and drink egg creams.
181
00:06:55,934 --> 00:06:58,567
Eggs and cream?
That's a thing?
182
00:06:58,567 --> 00:07:00,868
That sounds like vomit juice.
183
00:07:00,868 --> 00:07:03,968
Well, how do you all feel
about souvenirs?
184
00:07:03,968 --> 00:07:04,968
Pro or con?
185
00:07:04,968 --> 00:07:06,234
Pro, definitely.
186
00:07:06,234 --> 00:07:09,200
We lost one of our students
last night.
187
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:10,534
Really? Which one?
188
00:07:10,534 --> 00:07:13,434
Fyi... I won't be able
to fit a t-shirt over my head
189
00:07:13,434 --> 00:07:15,167
for the next two months.
190
00:07:15,167 --> 00:07:18,067
I assume they didn't have any
"I heart New York" button-ups?
191
00:07:18,067 --> 00:07:19,300
I think you should
tell them, Albert.
192
00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:23,033
Emotional children
make me very uncomfortable.
193
00:07:23,033 --> 00:07:24,901
So...
194
00:07:24,901 --> 00:07:27,000
All right, class.
Uh, eyes here, ears open.
195
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,200
I have some news.
196
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:31,033
It's not the kind of news
anybody likes to get.
197
00:07:31,033 --> 00:07:33,033
You know, when I was 16,
198
00:07:33,033 --> 00:07:35,367
uh, there were
a lot of tractor accidents,
199
00:07:35,367 --> 00:07:38,133
and, uh, Donny champlain
was the quarterback.
200
00:07:38,133 --> 00:07:39,634
Now, we all
called him "peaches"
201
00:07:39,634 --> 00:07:41,300
'cause, uh,
he had a-a peach tree...
202
00:07:41,300 --> 00:07:42,734
Lionel trane's dead.
203
00:07:42,734 --> 00:07:44,734
[ Students murmur ]
204
00:07:44,734 --> 00:07:47,567
It was a car accident...
last night.
205
00:07:55,501 --> 00:07:57,167
[ Sighs ]
206
00:07:58,334 --> 00:08:00,467
He didn't say a word
the entire ride.
207
00:08:00,467 --> 00:08:03,367
[ Drowsily ] Oh, my poor boy.
208
00:08:03,367 --> 00:08:05,634
This is what you meant
by "medicated"?
209
00:08:05,634 --> 00:08:08,801
If you had a mustache,
you'd look just like Stalin.
210
00:08:08,801 --> 00:08:09,834
Marshall: Now what?
211
00:08:09,834 --> 00:08:11,400
Uh, she'll be fine.
212
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:13,167
She had to up her meds.
You get it.
213
00:08:13,167 --> 00:08:15,734
Of course. Wouldn't be her
if it wasn't something, right?
214
00:08:15,734 --> 00:08:18,534
[ Groans ] There's always
something, mooshoo,
215
00:08:18,534 --> 00:08:20,234
[ laughing ]
Like a Chinese pancake.
216
00:08:20,234 --> 00:08:21,968
It doesn't matter.
It really doesn't.
217
00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:24,467
I get her or I get Alice
and a peach cobbler.
218
00:08:24,467 --> 00:08:26,067
What's the difference?
219
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:28,467
[ Door slams ]
220
00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:30,033
I cannot believe
I got here so fast.
221
00:08:30,033 --> 00:08:31,567
Plane to car.
Speeding like a blur.
222
00:08:31,567 --> 00:08:33,434
I just... I heard
what happened to Marshall,
223
00:08:33,434 --> 00:08:35,300
and I just had to be here,
you know?
224
00:08:35,300 --> 00:08:36,501
What do you need?
225
00:08:36,501 --> 00:08:37,701
[ Doorknob rattles ]
226
00:08:37,701 --> 00:08:40,300
He locked the door.
I just want to see if he's okay.
227
00:08:40,300 --> 00:08:41,334
Come on, marsh.
228
00:08:41,334 --> 00:08:42,667
Oh, well, do you want to know
what to say,
229
00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:43,767
or do you want
to break in there?
230
00:08:43,767 --> 00:08:44,968
Because I don't know
what to say,
231
00:08:44,968 --> 00:08:46,501
but I can break into
any locked door in this house.
232
00:08:46,501 --> 00:08:48,000
[ Lock clicks ]
233
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,901
Took you long enough.
234
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:56,467
Well, buddy,
you could have opened the door
235
00:08:56,467 --> 00:08:57,934
and saved us some time.
236
00:08:57,934 --> 00:09:00,133
That's not
why people lock doors.
237
00:09:02,534 --> 00:09:05,033
I don't have to go to work...
238
00:09:05,033 --> 00:09:07,567
If you want me to hang around.
239
00:09:07,567 --> 00:09:08,701
Please go to work.
240
00:09:08,701 --> 00:09:10,901
Don't do
anything different for me.
241
00:09:12,801 --> 00:09:16,167
I'm really sorry
about Lionel, moosh.
242
00:09:16,167 --> 00:09:19,734
He'll always be
my second-best gay.
243
00:09:19,734 --> 00:09:21,834
[ Singsong voice ] Because
you're my first-best gay.
244
00:09:21,834 --> 00:09:24,033
No?
245
00:09:24,033 --> 00:09:26,701
You really want me to go?
246
00:09:26,701 --> 00:09:28,434
Okay.
247
00:09:28,434 --> 00:09:31,868
I'll be over there
or next door... close.
248
00:09:34,634 --> 00:09:38,067
♪ oh, we're gonna change
your little diap-diap ♪
249
00:09:38,067 --> 00:09:39,067
hey.
250
00:09:39,067 --> 00:09:40,067
Hi!
251
00:09:40,067 --> 00:09:41,834
What's with the mask?
252
00:09:41,834 --> 00:09:42,968
[ Chuckles ]
253
00:09:42,968 --> 00:09:46,601
Found I lost the ability
to stand the stench.
254
00:09:46,601 --> 00:09:48,334
I don't want to puke
on the baby.
255
00:09:48,334 --> 00:09:49,334
Scalpel.
256
00:09:51,234 --> 00:09:53,133
Oh, yeah.
257
00:09:53,133 --> 00:09:57,000
So, what's with the new dude
inside of Tara?
258
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,033
Oh...
259
00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:01,067
Any other time,
we'd be scrambling around
260
00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:03,400
like rabid gerbils around her,
261
00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,701
but we're focusing
on Marshall right now
262
00:10:05,701 --> 00:10:08,567
'cause he's not doing too good.
263
00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:13,501
We make
these tiny, perfect creatures,
264
00:10:13,501 --> 00:10:16,467
promise them
nothing's gonna hurt them,
265
00:10:16,467 --> 00:10:17,834
promise ourselves.
266
00:10:17,834 --> 00:10:19,234
Yeah.
267
00:10:19,234 --> 00:10:22,200
And then the world just unloads
a shitstorm in their faces.
268
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,200
Hm.
269
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:26,334
And you realize...
270
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:28,000
Nothing's in your control.
271
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,534
Yeah, well, you can't fix it,
man, you know?
272
00:10:30,534 --> 00:10:34,033
You just got to be there
for him, hope you're capable.
273
00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:35,234
Forceps.
274
00:10:35,234 --> 00:10:36,267
Aaaah!
275
00:10:36,267 --> 00:10:38,334
Oh, God.
Aah. Okay.
276
00:10:38,334 --> 00:10:39,367
Dude...
277
00:10:39,367 --> 00:10:40,701
I-I know.
I know, I know.
278
00:10:43,267 --> 00:10:44,801
[ Knock on door ]
279
00:10:44,801 --> 00:10:46,534
Uh, just a second.
280
00:10:46,534 --> 00:10:49,667
Max: Hey, honey,
should I wear my charcoal suit
281
00:10:49,667 --> 00:10:52,100
or the black one tomorrow?
282
00:10:54,033 --> 00:10:56,167
Too bad you don't have fuchsia.
283
00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:57,467
[ Chuckling ] Yeah.
284
00:10:57,467 --> 00:10:59,367
Hey, honey, if you're
feeling any better,
285
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:02,100
maybe you can go check
on Marshall, too, okay?
286
00:11:09,634 --> 00:11:11,601
[ Knock on door ]
287
00:11:14,934 --> 00:11:17,200
Is it okay if I come in?
288
00:11:19,067 --> 00:11:21,067
It's your house.
289
00:11:21,067 --> 00:11:23,267
The doors
are merely suggestions.
290
00:11:28,601 --> 00:11:32,300
I, uh...
291
00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:36,300
I found this picture
of you guys this summer.
292
00:11:36,300 --> 00:11:38,167
Remember,
they were showing movies
293
00:11:38,167 --> 00:11:39,701
on the wall at the library?
294
00:11:46,133 --> 00:11:48,834
We got into a fight
right after that.
295
00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:50,133
Yeah.
296
00:11:50,133 --> 00:11:54,200
But then it was over,
and we got ice cream.
297
00:11:56,234 --> 00:11:58,501
And I watched him watching you.
298
00:11:58,501 --> 00:12:02,934
That's the kind of thing
a mother rarely gets to do...
299
00:12:02,934 --> 00:12:07,801
watch someone watch your kid
and see the same thing you do.
300
00:12:07,801 --> 00:12:11,000
We were terrible together.
301
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,734
You know that.
302
00:12:12,734 --> 00:12:14,601
We weren't in love.
303
00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:18,133
Well, you weren't
soul mates, but...
304
00:12:18,133 --> 00:12:20,901
I think he still
wanted to watch you,
305
00:12:20,901 --> 00:12:23,367
see what
you were gonna do next.
306
00:12:26,968 --> 00:12:30,968
Tomorrow,
it won't be like this.
307
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,501
I'm... I'm here,
however you need me.
308
00:12:34,501 --> 00:12:36,367
I'll stay here for the funeral,
309
00:12:36,367 --> 00:12:38,834
or...I'll be there
with you.
310
00:12:38,834 --> 00:12:41,033
It's... it's your call.
311
00:12:41,033 --> 00:12:43,834
Hey, um...
312
00:12:46,234 --> 00:12:47,901
Please come.
313
00:12:49,701 --> 00:12:51,067
Yeah.
314
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,801
[ Knock on door to
"shave and a haircut" rhythm ]
315
00:13:00,801 --> 00:13:02,801
[ Knocks twice ]
316
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:12,868
Hey, um, look, I-I feel like
I should just apologize,
317
00:13:12,868 --> 00:13:15,834
um, for shoving my hyperactive
spawn down your throat.
318
00:13:15,834 --> 00:13:20,434
He's just...You know, um...
Part of the package.
319
00:13:20,434 --> 00:13:22,567
A-a-and I don't mean
that I'm, like, a package.
320
00:13:22,567 --> 00:13:23,601
It's not like I wasn't
321
00:13:23,601 --> 00:13:25,100
hemorrhaging
my own family bullshit.
322
00:13:25,100 --> 00:13:26,367
I don't want to bog you down.
323
00:13:28,601 --> 00:13:29,834
Yeah, because, I mean,
we both have, like,
324
00:13:29,834 --> 00:13:31,000
a ton of stuff
going on right now.
325
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,033
Yeah. We should just
keep it super-casual.
326
00:13:33,033 --> 00:13:36,167
I am so glad
that you said that.
327
00:13:37,334 --> 00:13:38,834
Mm.
And does "super-casual"...
328
00:13:38,834 --> 00:13:43,934
that means that we're like
khakis or...Jean shorts?
329
00:13:43,934 --> 00:13:46,868
Well, like... like,
those weird calf-length shorts
330
00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:48,267
that Kevin Smith wears?
331
00:13:48,267 --> 00:13:49,868
"Jorts."
332
00:13:49,868 --> 00:13:52,133
Yeah. We're jorts.
333
00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:57,434
Mm. But...So... so just,
more casual than we are now?
334
00:13:57,434 --> 00:13:58,601
Mm-hmm.
335
00:13:58,601 --> 00:14:00,734
So, do you want to...
Date other people?
336
00:14:00,734 --> 00:14:02,634
No way.
337
00:14:02,634 --> 00:14:04,133
Whoa. Wait. Did you?
338
00:14:04,133 --> 00:14:06,234
No. No.
339
00:14:06,234 --> 00:14:07,534
Okay.
No.
340
00:14:07,534 --> 00:14:10,767
But if we're jorts, that means
that we're, like, not pants.
341
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:12,000
Mm.
342
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:13,834
And if we're not pants
and we're not shorts,
343
00:14:13,834 --> 00:14:15,434
then we're...
344
00:14:15,434 --> 00:14:17,567
Not anything.
345
00:14:19,434 --> 00:14:20,968
Right.
346
00:14:22,834 --> 00:14:25,400
Well, I'm glad
that we figured this out.
347
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:29,267
Me too.
348
00:14:30,801 --> 00:14:32,267
Okay.
349
00:14:35,934 --> 00:14:38,033
[ Sighs ]
350
00:14:38,033 --> 00:14:39,534
[ Groans ]
351
00:14:41,901 --> 00:14:45,701
Life is so fucking fragile.
352
00:14:45,701 --> 00:14:46,868
[ Sighs ]
353
00:14:46,868 --> 00:14:48,400
You know what I keep thinking?
354
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,434
Hmm?
355
00:14:49,434 --> 00:14:52,100
It could have been him
in the car.
356
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,667
Oh, baby...
I know.
357
00:14:53,667 --> 00:14:56,467
Don't... don't go there.
I can't help it.
358
00:14:56,467 --> 00:15:01,868
We got to...
Not take shit for granted,
359
00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:05,801
appreciate everything we got,
which is a boatload.
360
00:15:05,801 --> 00:15:07,234
[ Inhales deeply ]
361
00:15:07,234 --> 00:15:09,901
I feel like my whole life
is boiling down
362
00:15:09,901 --> 00:15:13,467
to this one fucking
blip in time.
363
00:15:13,467 --> 00:15:15,467
If I can't mother that boy
right now,
364
00:15:15,467 --> 00:15:18,734
when he needs me the most...
365
00:15:18,734 --> 00:15:20,467
What am I?
366
00:15:22,033 --> 00:15:24,367
Max: Says here
the funeral's at noon
367
00:15:24,367 --> 00:15:26,734
and we all drive
over to the cemetery.
368
00:15:26,734 --> 00:15:28,033
Is moosh gonna speak?
369
00:15:28,033 --> 00:15:29,300
I don't know, honey.
370
00:15:29,300 --> 00:15:32,167
This fucking sucks.
I hate funerals.
371
00:15:32,167 --> 00:15:33,434
Really?
372
00:15:33,434 --> 00:15:36,501
Most people love
mourning violent death.
373
00:15:36,501 --> 00:15:39,000
Is this an open-casket
funeral, or what?
374
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,434
Well, judging
from the accident report,
375
00:15:41,434 --> 00:15:43,801
I doubt
he's in any shape for that.
376
00:15:43,801 --> 00:15:45,801
Hey, mooshy.
377
00:15:47,267 --> 00:15:49,567
Ted:
How you doing, kiddo?
378
00:15:50,801 --> 00:15:52,234
I understand.
379
00:15:52,234 --> 00:15:54,234
When I lost my dear mother,
380
00:15:54,234 --> 00:15:56,868
I didn't speak
to anyone for months.
381
00:15:56,868 --> 00:15:58,801
Of course,
we were closer than most.
382
00:15:58,801 --> 00:16:00,534
I-I brushed her hair
every day,
383
00:16:00,534 --> 00:16:03,200
and we slept in the same bed...
384
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:04,200
uh, hey, Ted...
385
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,367
[ Clears throat ] Tara!
386
00:16:05,367 --> 00:16:07,300
We, uh, we want
to get there early.
387
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,534
You about ready?
388
00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:15,601
Mom?
389
00:16:15,601 --> 00:16:17,767
[ As Bryce ] Morning, folks.
390
00:16:17,767 --> 00:16:19,868
And hello again, Charmaine.
391
00:16:21,567 --> 00:16:22,968
Katherine.
392
00:16:24,267 --> 00:16:28,100
My apologies for my poor
table manners the other night.
393
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:30,200
Awfully impolite of me.
394
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,267
Tara's miffed
she can't be here today,
395
00:16:32,267 --> 00:16:35,067
though she sends her best
from cabo.
396
00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:36,601
[ Laughs ]
397
00:16:36,601 --> 00:16:39,734
Have a great day,
Tara's family.
398
00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:43,200
Go put the "fun"
back in "funeral."
399
00:16:50,367 --> 00:16:51,434
Let's go.
400
00:16:51,434 --> 00:16:52,934
[ Black flag's "spray paint"
plays ]
401
00:16:52,934 --> 00:16:54,701
♪ it feels good
to say what I want ♪
402
00:16:54,701 --> 00:16:56,367
♪ it feels good
to knock things down ♪
403
00:16:56,367 --> 00:16:58,400
♪ it feels good to see
the disgust in their eyes ♪
404
00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:00,567
♪ it feels good,
I'm gonna go wild ♪
405
00:17:00,567 --> 00:17:02,367
♪ spray paint the walls ♪
406
00:17:02,367 --> 00:17:04,234
♪ I don't want
to see the plan succeed ♪
407
00:17:04,234 --> 00:17:05,667
♪ there won't be room
for people like me ♪
408
00:17:05,667 --> 00:17:07,400
♪ my life is their disease ♪
409
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,501
♪ it feels good,
I'm gonna go wild ♪
410
00:17:09,501 --> 00:17:11,734
♪ spray paint the walls ♪
411
00:17:11,734 --> 00:17:13,400
♪ it feels good
to say what I want ♪
412
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,968
♪ it feels good
to knock things down ♪
413
00:17:14,968 --> 00:17:16,767
♪ it feels good to see
the disgust in their eyes ♪
414
00:17:16,767 --> 00:17:18,968
♪ it feels good,
I'm gonna go wild ♪
415
00:17:18,968 --> 00:17:20,801
♪ spray paint the walls ♪
416
00:17:20,801 --> 00:17:23,334
♪ spray paint the walls ♪
417
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:24,767
♪ it feels good,
I'm gonna go wild ♪
418
00:17:26,567 --> 00:17:27,734
I thought it was nice.
419
00:17:27,734 --> 00:17:29,701
I guess it's weird
to call a funeral "nice,"
420
00:17:29,701 --> 00:17:30,767
but it was different.
421
00:17:30,767 --> 00:17:31,767
What's the word?
422
00:17:31,767 --> 00:17:32,801
Flamboyant.
423
00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:34,267
It was tasteful.
424
00:17:34,267 --> 00:17:36,200
It was flamboyant.
425
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:39,334
When I go, I hope
that my parents could see me
426
00:17:39,334 --> 00:17:42,601
as gay and at peace
in a roomful of friends.
427
00:17:42,601 --> 00:17:45,601
Lionel trane always said
exactly what was on his mind,
428
00:17:45,601 --> 00:17:46,701
and I respect that.
429
00:17:46,701 --> 00:17:48,033
You know what he said
to me once?
430
00:17:48,033 --> 00:17:51,167
He said, "Kate,
leggings are not pants."
431
00:17:51,167 --> 00:17:53,601
And he was right.
432
00:17:53,601 --> 00:17:55,868
Did you see the newspaper?
433
00:17:55,868 --> 00:17:57,200
What's that, buddy?
434
00:17:57,200 --> 00:18:00,200
Well, um, look at the headline.
435
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:04,367
It says "local student trane
killed in crash."
436
00:18:04,367 --> 00:18:06,234
If you didn't read the article,
you'd think
437
00:18:06,234 --> 00:18:09,234
that a local train full of
students were killed in a crash.
438
00:18:09,234 --> 00:18:11,300
Like, if he died
slightly differently,
439
00:18:11,300 --> 00:18:13,033
they'd have a better headline.
440
00:18:13,033 --> 00:18:15,400
Yeah, it's kind of like
the writer was thinking,
441
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,801
"I just wish he would have died
a little bit funnier."
442
00:18:17,801 --> 00:18:18,834
[ Chuckles ]
443
00:18:20,334 --> 00:18:23,901
"Trane trains train,
tragically."
444
00:18:23,901 --> 00:18:25,734
"Dies."
* wah-wah *
445
00:18:25,734 --> 00:18:26,868
[ laughter ]
446
00:18:26,868 --> 00:18:28,701
Okay, um...
447
00:18:28,701 --> 00:18:32,901
He...Crashed into a train
at his own family reunion.
448
00:18:32,901 --> 00:18:35,868
"Trane smash into train crash
at trane bash."
449
00:18:35,868 --> 00:18:37,901
[ Laughter ]
450
00:18:37,901 --> 00:18:39,834
Wait.
I want to do one.
451
00:18:39,834 --> 00:18:41,501
"Lionel..."
452
00:18:43,467 --> 00:18:46,734
Fuck!
I'm so bad at word games!
453
00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:47,934
Guys, please.
454
00:18:47,934 --> 00:18:50,400
I can hear your soppy bullshit
from upstairs.
455
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,667
How does a guy whack off
in peace in this house?
456
00:18:52,667 --> 00:18:53,667
Fucking, really.
457
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:56,901
Kidding, of course.
458
00:18:56,901 --> 00:18:58,934
I always find a way
to whack it.
459
00:18:58,934 --> 00:19:02,033
Kate, fyi...
your pink Teddy bear and I
460
00:19:02,033 --> 00:19:05,501
shared a wonderful
moment in time.
461
00:19:05,501 --> 00:19:08,767
Oh, and I found this letter
in marsh's room.
462
00:19:08,767 --> 00:19:10,534
[ Clears throat ]
463
00:19:10,534 --> 00:19:15,234
"Marshall, we are stars.
464
00:19:15,234 --> 00:19:17,434
"We will get brighter,
465
00:19:17,434 --> 00:19:20,467
and we will shine
forever and ever."
466
00:19:20,467 --> 00:19:22,267
[ Laughs ]
467
00:19:22,267 --> 00:19:26,434
It's funny 'cause it's retarded
and he's dead.
468
00:19:26,434 --> 00:19:28,868
Leave him alone, mom.
469
00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:30,701
Marshall:
She's not in there.
470
00:19:30,701 --> 00:19:32,033
But she let this happen,
471
00:19:32,033 --> 00:19:35,033
because no one can have
bigger problems than her, right?
472
00:19:35,033 --> 00:19:37,234
Oh, Tara's
the fucking worst, huh?
473
00:19:37,234 --> 00:19:38,701
All right,
it's been fun, Bryce,
474
00:19:38,701 --> 00:19:40,968
but this thing has a clock
on it. I'm calling hattaras.
475
00:19:40,968 --> 00:19:42,834
You're out of here.
Dad...
476
00:19:42,834 --> 00:19:44,968
"got it under control"
my fucking ass.
477
00:19:44,968 --> 00:19:48,567
Well, tell the good doctor,
"hello, cheerio, pip-pip,
478
00:19:48,567 --> 00:19:50,501
and take the lift."
479
00:19:50,501 --> 00:19:53,067
Max, hattaras
isn't seeing Tara anymore.
480
00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,400
Bryce tried to poison him
with crab.
481
00:19:56,667 --> 00:19:57,868
Poison him?
482
00:19:57,868 --> 00:20:01,167
Yeah, and he lived.
Fucker couldn't take a joke.
483
00:20:01,167 --> 00:20:03,634
Well, who's looking out
for Tara?
484
00:20:03,634 --> 00:20:04,901
No one?
485
00:20:04,901 --> 00:20:07,067
T-there's
no fucking net?!
486
00:20:07,067 --> 00:20:09,300
W-what am I
supposed to do now?
487
00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:11,067
What were you going to do?
488
00:20:11,067 --> 00:20:12,067
I should go.
489
00:20:12,067 --> 00:20:13,968
Yeah.
Uh, us too.
490
00:20:13,968 --> 00:20:15,367
You can't leave.
491
00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:17,934
It's a party.
Don't you want to party?
492
00:20:17,934 --> 00:20:20,033
Or you got to get back
to the baby, huh?
493
00:20:20,033 --> 00:20:21,801
Yes.
494
00:20:21,801 --> 00:20:24,467
Adorable little girl
you've got there.
495
00:20:24,467 --> 00:20:25,767
Just an angel.
496
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:29,534
Yeah, we had a hell of a time
while you were away.
497
00:20:29,534 --> 00:20:32,934
You know, no one
takes the bus anymore
498
00:20:32,934 --> 00:20:36,200
but fat people and old folks...
499
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:39,601
And your sweet,
little baby girl.
500
00:20:39,601 --> 00:20:44,167
♪ the wheels on the bus
with wheels and Bryce ♪
501
00:20:44,167 --> 00:20:46,133
♪ wheels and Bryce ♪
502
00:20:46,133 --> 00:20:47,734
♪ all through the town ♪
503
00:20:48,968 --> 00:20:50,133
you knew about that, right?
504
00:20:50,133 --> 00:20:51,701
What the fuck is
she talking about, Charmaine?
505
00:20:51,701 --> 00:20:53,133
I don't know
what she's talking about.
506
00:20:53,133 --> 00:20:54,968
If I find out...
if I find out...
507
00:20:54,968 --> 00:20:56,501
Hey.
508
00:20:56,501 --> 00:20:57,801
[ Glass shatters ]
509
00:20:57,801 --> 00:20:59,000
Whoa, buddy.
510
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,467
Who are you defending, dad?!
Who are you protecting?!
511
00:21:01,467 --> 00:21:02,701
[ Chuckles ]
512
00:21:02,701 --> 00:21:04,734
Yeah, who am I protecting?
513
00:21:04,734 --> 00:21:06,701
Stay away.
514
00:21:06,701 --> 00:21:08,367
[ Telephone clatters ]
Leave our family alone.
515
00:21:08,367 --> 00:21:09,667
[ Chuckles ]
516
00:21:11,300 --> 00:21:12,634
Kate: I wish we were
the sort of people
517
00:21:12,634 --> 00:21:15,400
who could just get upset
about one thing.
518
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:18,100
When something happens,
everything else should go away.
519
00:21:18,100 --> 00:21:21,234
One terrible, horrible thing
a day.
520
00:21:21,234 --> 00:21:23,434
Yeah. I don't expect
anything else.
521
00:21:23,434 --> 00:21:25,968
She can't cope.
How can she help me cope?
522
00:21:25,968 --> 00:21:28,033
Well, I don't know
if it makes you feel any better,
523
00:21:28,033 --> 00:21:29,534
but if mom knew
what she was doing,
524
00:21:29,534 --> 00:21:31,200
it would absolutely
destroy her.
525
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,901
Does it matter what she thinks
if she does what she does?
526
00:21:33,901 --> 00:21:35,367
I don't know.
527
00:21:35,367 --> 00:21:37,334
You've got to get out
of this house.
528
00:21:37,334 --> 00:21:38,834
Please, promise me.
529
00:21:40,601 --> 00:21:42,968
I absolutely will.
I promise.
530
00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:44,934
No. You won't.
531
00:21:44,934 --> 00:21:47,767
Because I always say I'm gonna
get out of here tomorrow,
532
00:21:47,767 --> 00:21:50,300
and I even get on a plane
every day.
533
00:21:50,300 --> 00:21:51,667
I'm still here.
534
00:21:53,767 --> 00:21:55,734
What do you expect me to do?
535
00:21:55,734 --> 00:21:58,634
Nothing. Nothing.
No contact.
536
00:21:58,634 --> 00:22:03,634
No phone calls,
no...Multilayered pasta dishes.
537
00:22:03,634 --> 00:22:05,167
But she's my sister.
538
00:22:05,167 --> 00:22:08,567
Aren't you the one who's
Mr. "it's always about family"?
539
00:22:08,567 --> 00:22:10,200
We're your family.
540
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:13,367
We're your family,
number one and only, all right?
541
00:22:13,367 --> 00:22:17,300
Indivisible, with liberty
and justice for all.
542
00:22:17,300 --> 00:22:19,501
But how will I know
Tara's okay?
543
00:22:19,501 --> 00:22:20,968
You don't have to.
544
00:22:20,968 --> 00:22:23,901
She's not, all right?
She's not okay. I wish she was.
545
00:22:23,901 --> 00:22:28,100
But my girls have got to be
okay first.
546
00:22:28,100 --> 00:22:30,334
All right?
547
00:22:30,334 --> 00:22:31,801
That...
548
00:22:31,801 --> 00:22:35,167
Person took our baby.
549
00:22:35,167 --> 00:22:37,934
[ Sighs deeply ]
550
00:22:37,934 --> 00:22:42,033
No one is ever
going to hurt you.
551
00:22:42,033 --> 00:22:43,033
Ohh.
552
00:22:44,167 --> 00:22:46,067
[ Breathing heavily ] Sorry.
553
00:22:46,067 --> 00:22:48,000
Hey. It's my day off,
and my brother's...
554
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:49,634
hey, hey,
what are you doing here?
555
00:22:49,634 --> 00:22:51,067
It's hard.
It's really hard.
556
00:22:51,067 --> 00:22:53,634
And, uh... hang on.
557
00:22:53,634 --> 00:22:55,667
Okay, here's the thing.
558
00:22:55,667 --> 00:22:57,767
I'm tired of using my mom
as an excuse
559
00:22:57,767 --> 00:23:00,100
for all of the crap
that I can't deal with,
560
00:23:00,100 --> 00:23:03,100
and I am sick of acting like
her problems are my problems.
561
00:23:03,100 --> 00:23:05,367
I want to make my own problems.
562
00:23:05,367 --> 00:23:07,400
That's my right
as a human fucking being.
563
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:09,901
And so I choose you.
564
00:23:11,801 --> 00:23:13,901
Be my problem.
565
00:23:13,901 --> 00:23:15,067
Please?
566
00:23:15,968 --> 00:23:17,934
Okay.
567
00:23:17,934 --> 00:23:20,267
Does this mean
we're no longer jorts?
568
00:23:20,267 --> 00:23:21,534
[ Chuckles ]
569
00:23:21,534 --> 00:23:23,901
No. We're culottes.
570
00:23:29,133 --> 00:23:31,000
It's on standby, I promise.
571
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:32,901
I know your tricks, Gregson.
572
00:23:32,901 --> 00:23:34,801
We just need a moment.
573
00:23:34,801 --> 00:23:37,367
Pretend it was just before.
Future Lionel.
574
00:23:37,367 --> 00:23:39,234
Fine.
575
00:23:39,234 --> 00:23:44,033
In 10 years, I'm going to live
in a mansion in New York...
576
00:23:44,033 --> 00:23:48,701
marble floors, pool boys,
famous for being famous.
577
00:23:48,701 --> 00:23:50,334
Pool boys in New York?
578
00:23:50,334 --> 00:23:53,567
You'll go to Manhattan,
I'll go to Manhattan.
579
00:23:53,567 --> 00:23:56,133
Your Manhattan
will be in New York,
580
00:23:56,133 --> 00:23:58,534
and mine will be
at Kansas state
581
00:23:58,534 --> 00:24:00,767
in Manhattan, Kansas.
582
00:24:00,767 --> 00:24:03,167
Maybe if I want
the marble floors enough,
583
00:24:03,167 --> 00:24:06,200
I'll end up
someplace in the middle.
584
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,501
You don't dream
about any real things?
585
00:24:08,501 --> 00:24:10,200
[ Door opens ]
586
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:12,501
Reality star cum movie star...
587
00:24:12,501 --> 00:24:13,667
[ tv shuts off ]
588
00:24:13,667 --> 00:24:16,501
There is a flood of shit
coming down the Mountain.
589
00:24:16,501 --> 00:24:18,300
I need some men with buckets.
590
00:24:19,801 --> 00:24:21,868
My bucket's almost full.
591
00:24:23,934 --> 00:24:28,300
I think I-it's best for everyone
that I not hang around.
592
00:24:29,767 --> 00:24:33,100
Then I...
Hereby withdraw your bucket.
593
00:24:33,100 --> 00:24:35,200
I'll... I'll hold 'em
for both of us.
594
00:24:38,067 --> 00:24:41,367
When you go, I want you
to do something for me.
595
00:24:41,367 --> 00:24:44,033
When you ran around New York,
you acted like
596
00:24:44,033 --> 00:24:49,067
you'd never seen a fucking
building or a bagel before.
597
00:24:49,067 --> 00:24:50,901
Don't ever lose that.
598
00:24:53,100 --> 00:24:55,467
Don't give that up for him.
599
00:24:55,467 --> 00:24:56,934
[ Bang, glass shatters ]
600
00:24:56,934 --> 00:24:59,567
Or her.
601
00:24:59,567 --> 00:25:01,400
Is she gonna be okay?
602
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,400
That's not your problem
anymore.
603
00:25:06,734 --> 00:25:08,167
Are you gonna be okay?
604
00:25:09,734 --> 00:25:11,534
[ Crash ]
605
00:25:11,534 --> 00:25:13,234
You even...
606
00:25:13,234 --> 00:25:15,300
You even know
where you're going?
607
00:25:15,300 --> 00:25:17,133
Yeah.
608
00:25:18,234 --> 00:25:19,901
Come here.
609
00:25:22,834 --> 00:25:25,067
You call me when you get there.
610
00:25:25,067 --> 00:25:26,901
[ Thumping ]
611
00:25:26,901 --> 00:25:28,067
[ Sniffles ]
612
00:25:37,667 --> 00:25:39,334
You want me to stop?
613
00:25:39,334 --> 00:25:40,400
Yeah.
614
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:42,300
Fuck you, old man.
615
00:25:42,300 --> 00:25:44,133
Don't tell me what to do.
616
00:25:44,133 --> 00:25:46,167
When's Tara coming back?
617
00:25:51,467 --> 00:25:53,467
Don't you get it?
618
00:25:53,467 --> 00:25:55,033
[ Laughs ]
619
00:25:55,033 --> 00:25:57,200
She's not.
620
00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:00,200
[ Add n to (X)'S
"electric village" plays ]