I told you, Dad, she went to her friend's house.
You just let her walk off? Dad, what am I supposed to do?
Ah, Caroline. You all right? Your daughter is running wild again.
She's out of control.
But I don't blame her, it's not her fault. No, she's not the one I blame.
Do you blame us, Jim?
Yes, I blame you.
Yeah, I was going to say you as well, but he got there first.
It's all a big joke to you, innit?
Oh, can someone please just tell me what's happened?
This.
A driving licence?
I suppose it's too much to hope she's actually passed her driving test?
She's only 15! Even Lewis Hamilton had to wait till he was 17.
Well, girls develop faster than boys.
Yes, but that says she's 19, and her name's Chloe McVitie.
Heiress to the Jaffa Cake empire, no doubt.
So what are you going to do about it?
Well, maybe she wants to see if she can get into an 18 film.
She had that rite of passage two years ago. Look, we'll just ask her why she got it.
Oh, oh, we can't ask her. It was obtained under an illegal search.
You went in Chloe's bedroom? Oh, not me. He did.
Oh! I was after a pen.
Hey, write this down...
Spanish Flea in the 2:20 at Fontwell,
Dirty Haiku, the four o'clock at Redcar.
You're not writing. I ain't got a pen.
Ask your brother. Where are the pens?
I don't live here. Sorry, I just get confused cos you're always here eating my food.
It's an understandable mistake.
You're useless, the pair of you. Chloe? Have you got a pen?
Chloe? I'll call you back.
The Spanish Flea, Dirty Haiku...
Dirty Flea... No, Spanish Flea, Dirty Haiku.
Chloe? Just want a pen.
Not looking at anything else, just a pen. Blocking everything else out.
Not looking... Not looking...
Not looking...
What the bloody hell's this?
I can't believe you went in her room!
It's lucky someone did.
I'm putting it back. Anything you found that way is inadmissible.
What are you talking about, "inadmissible"?
Just stick it in her face and say, "Start talking!"
Oh, that's a good idea, Jim - a shouting match.
That'll be fun for everyone(!)
So what's the problem? Dad, it's all about boundaries.
I know that's hard to understand for someone who goes to the toilet with the door open.
Oh, I understand you perfectly. And if I can paraphrase...
HE CLUCKS
I'm not frightened of her.
It's just if we're going to confront her,
we need our case to be legally airtight.
And you are a bit frightened of her. Of course I'm frightened of her!
And anyway, I did... I did confront her, in a way.
Chlo? You all right, love?
Dad.
So what are you up to tonight?
Don't know. Going to Lucy's, probably.
Lucy's? Yeah. Lucy's the binge drinker, isn't she?
No. Oh?
So the binge drinker is, er...? Nobody.
Nobody. Then I must be getting her mixed up with...
You?
Ooh, nice one.
Hey, it's fun, isn't it, eh, me and you?
We're like mates rather than father and daughter.
We can, you know, talk about anything.
Don't keep nothing from me.
Do you want to talk about my period?
Bye, Dad.
He let her walk away. See, that's the trouble with your generation,
you're so caught up with your "respect" and your "rights"
and "not hitting children".
How did you even get like this? You grew up in the Swinging Sixties.
The Swinging Sixties only happened for Lulu and The Monkees.
Everyone else had to work.
Oh, come on, Jim. Do you not think you're over-reacting just the tiniest bit?
Am I? Well, I wonder if you'll be quite so smug
when your beautiful little daughter,
who it seems only five minutes ago was playing with her dolls and dressing up as a fairy,
starts mainlining horse!
Yes, that's right - horse!
When he says horse, he means heroin.
Yes, I know.
Not the meat, which is actually not too bad.
So, you're all right with this? Well, I trust her.
We had fake IDs when we were kids.
Yeah, look what we did with them!
Medical university's doing my head in. Yeah, all those books we have to read.
All right?
Hiya. I'll have a pint of snakebite and black.
Yeah, two of them, like. And a Pernod.
Got any ID? "Got any ID?"
It's been a long time since anyone asked me that! It's flattering in a way, isn't it?
Yeah. There you are.
All right, Miss Winfrey, Mr Depardieu, that'll be ã6.52. Not a problem.
You won't have enough for the condom machine. He's getting them now.
If only you hadn't had that Pernod, our lives could have been completely different.
You can't have a snakebite and black without a Pernod.
We're not Scousers.
Hey, Steve, I've got Ronaldo, Messi and Forlan!
Who did you swap for that? David James.
David James for those three?
When you say "swapped", do you actually mean "conned"?
Mikey Flynn doesn't do refunds.
Oh, I wish I could've taken you to Maine Road in the '60s.
The City team back then, they were like sky blue gods.
Oh, that reminds me, Jim, we had a bit of excitement at the hotel today.
What? Avocado dip didn't come? HE LAUGHS
Eh?!
We've got one of those guys staying with us. What guys?
You know, one them old Man City lot you're always on about. Somebody, oh, Bell, is it?
Colin Bell? That's him. He's one of your favourites, isn't he, Jim?
What's so good about Colin Bell, Granddad?
I've told you loads of times.
You take Messi's ball control, Ronaldo's shot and David Beckham's media savvy and you might,
you just might be getting close to King Colin.
Did he marry a pop star?
No, she was a hairdresser, I believe. Did you meet him?
Yeah, he's nice. I had a lovely chat with him.
About what?
Um, I can't remember.
Think, love, think. Oh, yeah, I remember what we talked about.
Was it about Man City?
Strictly Come Dancing. Turns out he's a big fan.
He's not! He's one of those blokes who can talk about anything.
He's very intelligent, very funny.
Is he? I always knew he would be.
Oh, you've got to introduce me.
Oh, I don't know about that. Oh, come on. I don't know.
I've probably said too much already. I'm meant to respect clients' confidentiality.
You're a receptionist, love, not a priest.
Pardon, Jim?
I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. I'm so sorry.
I'll think about it. TEXT MESSAGE ALERT
Caz,
I just got a text off Chloe, "Stopping out late. Don't wait up." Well, ring her back.
I tried. She's turned her phone off. This just gets better and better.
You should've confronted her before.
No, we want a relationship built on trust
so she feels she can confide in us.
I was on his back from the word go and he still confides in me,
don't you?
Yeah, yeah. We had that chat about plumbing last September.
So she's stopping out late, you don't know where, with a fake ID.
No, we've got the ID, Jim.
You've got that one. But who knows what else she's got.
ID, fake passport,
dodgy credit cards.
What do you reckon? Should we phone round her friends?
Then she'd think we don't trust her.
We DON'T trust her!
I know. Yeah...
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
You can't go in her room. Caroline,
this is something I never thought I'd say... but Dad might have a point.
Thank you. Oh, I suppose we could have a little look.
Yes, we can. Damn right we can!
OK, this is Chloe's private e-mail account.
I just want to go on record as saying this is wrong.
Right, right, do you want me to stop?
I just want it on the record.
All right. OK, um, password? What's her password? What's she into?
High School Musical?
When she was about ten!
Oh. What's that one with the gay vampires?
Twilight. That's it, yeah.
Try James Dean.
Jim, it's not 1954 any more.
James Dean.
We're in!
She's got some posters of him, and a book.
Exactly how long were you up here for?
Hey, what sort of thing is this for a young girl to be getting?
"Save pounds on Viagra."
It's just spam. Delete it.
No, no, wait, wait, wait... Oh, it's gone.
There's got to be something, be some clue or something...
Whoa, what's that? What's happening?
Someone called Wild@heart is messaging you.
They think we're Chloe.
"Chloe, er, what are you doing?"
Oh, maybe you should close it down.
No, no, wait. This Wild@heart person's going to give us the lead.
Er, "R U there?"
Er, "Yes."
"You know, hanging.
Just chillaxing."
"Chillaxing"?
Yes, it's what all the kids are saying these days. No, they're not.
No, it's old school. Now the kids are saying "stuka",
like, "It's, it's well stuka, man".
No, we're not.
You will be.
Er,
"I've just got that cobra tattoo on my bum, now we're like twins."
Chloe's got a tattoo on her bum?
No way! Steve, go downstairs.
Have we ever checked her bum?
How am I supposed to check her bum?
What, so we're supposed to just sit back and not check her bum? Well... What kind of parents are we?
Right, whoa, let's just think. Um, right, hang on. I'm going to find out what's going on.
Um... "What's happening tonight?"
"U R still coming to that flash party, right?"
Flash party?
Let's go. Let's go to the flash party.
What the hell's a flash party? It's like an impromptu party, usually like in an old building.
It's what you used to call a rave.
Find out where this party is, go and get her and bring her home.
Right.
I thought you were supposed to be the casual, laidback one.
I am. That's why I'm sending Liam.
Do you think I look all right?
We're going to get my daughter, not pick up women.
It's all right, I can multi-task.
Come on.
I hope they get to her before she gets to her dealer.
Pack it in, Jim. She's not a bad girl.
Well, I'm sure that's what Amy Winehouse's mum used to say.
I'm sorry, she's nothing like Amy Winehouse.
She'd never take drugs or marry a criminal.
No, I'm sure you're right.
I was wondering if you'd, er, thought any more about Colin?
Oh... No. Why not?
You know why not.
Because you don't want the likes of me coming into your posh hotel.
Er... pretty much. You're a snob.
I am not a snob. I just don't want a repeat of last time.
It was an emergency situation.
We've missed the last bus, it's raining, we just need a place to crash out.
I can't just give you a free room, Jim.
We'll make our own beds and everything. You won't know we were here.
I'm sorry, it doesn't work that way.
Course it does. Barry, bring that dog in. It'll be soaked.
Not that. I'd actually forgotten that incident.
Ah, you mean the time when I dropped those sheets in for you to wash?
You're not helping your case by reminding me of these things.
So what are you talking about?
The time in the bar.
Caroline, there's a gentleman asking for you in the bar.
I've got family who work here. She's senior to you. Hey, that's her!
Caroline!
Jim! This joker's asking four quid for a pint of bitter.
Yep, that's the price, Jim.
Well, he could've told us that before we drank six each.
I'm afraid there's not much I can do about it now.
This is my daughter-in-law. I want staff discount.
We don't do staff discount. Unofficial.
Put it through as lemonade.
We don't do that kind of thing.
Oh, really? Then ask her why every towel in her wardrobe has this hotel's logo on it.
All right, I was a bit... Drunk?
Exuberant. It was the fishing club's AGM.
I know that's not much of an excuse but, Caroline, I've really got to meet Colin.
I'd behave myseIf. I love him.
I'm not ashamed to say it.
OK, you can tell him yourself.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
I'm not arranging it, Jim. It's more than my job's worth.
But here's his room number.
Send a note up to Mr Bell, tell him how you feel.
The rest is up to you. Oh, thank you.
Oh, me and Colin Bell. I can't believe it.
What will I talk to him about?
Football?
Of course! Yeah, brilliant. Oh, thanks, love!
Relax, he's just a man.
Yep, here we are. 320, the High Street.
Are you sure? Looks like a Turkish restaurant.
Yeah, well, the club'll be in the basement, won't it?
Then when the kids get the munchies bang, they're straight upstairs for a kebab. Double bubble.
What, you reckon?
Yeah. Do you know what the mark-up is on a kebab?
Let's have it.
TV PLAYS IN BACKGROUND
Chloe? Chloe!
Are you all right? Where's Chloe? Found the place, no Chloe.
Yeah, but that bloke's going to remember the Flynn brothers.
Every time he sees the spot where Gordon Burns used to be.
Sorry? You stole a photograph of Gordon Burns?
No, Caroline. I stole a SIGNED photograph of Gordon Burns.
But no Chloe? That girl is in so much trouble.
She's pushed it way too far this time. When I get hold of her...
Hiya.
Oh, Chloe... You all right, yeah? You look quite nice actually, love. You have a good time?
Night. She's had it.
I'm going to speak to her tomorrow. I'll tell her.
What?
See, it's half-eleven, she's still not up.
I could go in her room and start hoovering. No, we'll give her till twelve.
What are you going to say to her?
I don't know. I can't let her know we've been in her room. DOOR SHUTS >
Morning, campers. Who fancies a fry?
Not in the mood, thanks, Tommy. Huh?
Oh, cos of Chloe?
Yeah. She's still not up.
It's a tricky situation. D'you mind if I...?
No, go for it.
Where's your bacon and your eggs? I wouldn't mind a sausage.
What exactly have you brought round?
Paper.
Bit of washing for...
Oh, bingo! Now, what d'you reckon?
Should I make Chloe a bacon sarnie, pop it up to her?
No, you shouldn't take her up a bacon sarnie.
She did have a late night.
She's in trouble and we're all tiptoeing around her like she's Mariah-bloody-Carey.
You're right. You are absolutely right.
I'm going to go and sort this out. We might have looked in her drawer
and taken a little peek at her private emails, but what she's done is off the scale.
Yeah, WAY off the scale.
I'm her dad, for God's sake!
Her dad, who's thinking about her welfare.
Exactly. Exactly. That's...that... I'm going to go and sort this out.
You sure you don't want a...?
Chloe? Yeah, Dad?
I think we should have a little talk about last night. What about it? Turning your phone off.
The battery died. Oh.
Staying out late. I was at Lucy's.
I don't think so. Why not? Could it be because you were in my room?!
You violated my privacy, you trampled my trust because you were in my room!
No, I wasn't. Yes, you were!
All right, I was. But it wasn't just me. It was your mum, and Steve and Tommy. It was your granddad!
Your granddad was the one who came up first! Oh, Dad, move! Granddad started this off...
Really struck gold with this lot.
Cannon and Ball...
Tess Daly...
Samir Rashid. He's well Stuka.
Who? Deirdre Barlow's Moroccan husband.
..No right to go into my room! This is my house, I'll go into any room I want.
Well, why don't you go into the toilet and flush your head down the bog? Well, maybe I will.
That's it! I'm finished with this family. I'm disowned. You can't disown yourself. Fine! I resign!
Whoa, whoa, hold it right there, young lady, this has gone far enough.
I'm not chasing you to any more dodgy flash parties. What? That's right.
We know all about it. You actually went?
Yes, me and Tommy...
What'd you mean "actually"?
I was at Lucy's house, like I said.
That's weird. What?
You're online. No, I'm not.
You are. Your name's just come up, look.
Don't believe it. Has someone signed on with my name?
No!
Yeah. Message them "What are you doing?"
It's probably my little brother or something.
No answer.
Put "Are you there?"
"Yeah, just hanging, you know, chillaxing."
Oh, my God, it's my dad!
How do you know?
It's him. I know it! Should we sign off?
No way! Budge up. I'm going to mess with his head.
Lucy is Wild@heart.
I knew it!
No, no. There was an address, in Rusholme.
And a...and a password to get in.
A password? No!
Was it something along the lines of... Cheeky-Bum?
Cheeky-Bum! Chee... That was it, weren't it? Cheeky...
Did you like it when you got there? Cos I thought you might.
It certainly was an experience, yeah.
Hey, quite a celebrity clientele.
Oh, yeah?
Hey, Liam. Cannon and Ball.
"To Mehmet, you've got a great sense of hummus."
That's very clever. Very clever indeed.
Table for two, gentlemen?
Er, no. No, we're more interested in your other business.
Ah, you want a suit altered?
No, come on. Your other business.
You know... Cheeky-Bum?
Pardon?
Cheeky-Bum.
Why did you just wink at me? Oh, come on, we're not here for the dolmades.
Cheeky-Bum.
Gentlemen, I'm afraid I do not appreciate being called "Cheeky Bum".
Look, mate, let's just stop messing about, yeah?
See, I'm pretty sure you're Wild@heart.
What did you just say? I said, you're Wild@heart.
You've got a cobra on your arse.
Right. Both of you, out!
Oh, I get it. I get the picture. You want to hang out all night with underage girls, is that it?
I have never been spoken to before like this. Listen, mate,
we just want some information, that's all.
You know what? You've got a lovely place here.
It's very nice.
Be a shame if, you know, say, something were to happen to it.
Oops!
Mint Imperials. Hard to replace.
Why don't you...
Why don't you just tell us where the action is?
Faruk?
SPEAKS IN TURKISH
Oh...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no need to get your curly sword out.
Yeah, and then it all went a bit "Midnight Express".
Two of you against a waiter? That's hardly fair.
We actually could've done with a few more blokes.
All right, all right, calm down...
Whoa! Hold him there!
Tommy! Tommy he's got... Tommy, Tommy!
Tommy! I think we've got the wrong place. I'm sorry.
I'll get your pictures back. I will. Sorry. Please, let me go.
Sounds like you could've done with a bit of help.
Yeah, a bit of help from me brother would've been nice.
What? No, I was busy nicking stuff.
We're taking them back, by the way. Yeah, most of them. We'll just keep Gordon Burns.
We're taking them all back, Tommy.
So you actually believe I'd go all the way across Manchester for some weird party?
How stupid do you think I am?
Well, now you're asking.
Look, Chloe, we remember what it was like when we were teenagers.
Yeah, and just because you missed your GCSEs to watch Happy Mondays in a field, doesn't mean I will.
It was the Inspiral Carpets.
Look, maybe, just maybe on this one occasion
your father and I may've been slightly in the...wrong.
Pardon?
Yeah, we, erm... we were wrong, sorry.
Didn't hear that.
Sorry, sorry.
You have to hold your head up when you're talking.
We're sorry we went into your room, all right? God!
I suppose that counts as an apology. Mum?
Get lost. OK.
Have you looked at her pupils! I told you she was on drugs.
Oh, leave it, Dad.
Hiya, Jim. How was this morning's meeting with King Colin?
No! You went to meet Colin Bell? Why didn't you tell me?
Sorry, love, I didn't think you'd be interested.
What does he think of the England team? Does he fancy Cheryl Cole?
I don't want to talk about it.
Can I help you at all, sir?
I'm just waiting for someone.
We usually ask minicab drivers to wait outside.
No, I was hoping to see Mr Bell.
Oh, Mr Bell's meeting you?
Well, I don't know. He might be.
Mr Bell!
Hi, are you Jim?
Yeah. Oh, that was a really sweet letter that you sent me. Thank you so much. Right.
I didn't understand the references to the 1969 FA Cup Final, but it was really sweet, nonetheless.
Very glad you liked it.
Will you excuse me a moment?
Who the bloody hell's this? It's Andy Bell, sir. From Erasure -
the seminal electro-synth pop duo. Right.
About half them words made sense.
How's about that drink? Come on, I'll tell you about our new album.
So it wasn't Colin Bell after all. It was Andy Bell from Erasure!
What team does he play for?
Let's not get into that!
How can you get them two mixed up? I know! It's almost impossible, you'd think.
Oh, I see... I get the picture.
You tried to humiliate me just because I once got a little bit tiddly in your hotel.
Well, thank you very much.
Oh, come on, it's just a bit of fun. Now we're even.
Actually, I ended up having quite a nice time. No!
How long was you with him? Couple of hours, you know.
Well, what did you talk about? Football. Music.
He's moving in a more soulful direction these days,
less chart-oriented.
Erm, did I leave my specs in there?
Oh! That's a belter.
Ooh, hello? Where'd you think you're going?
Still don't trust me then?
We're just asking. And by the way, trust has to be earned.
But you've already admitted that YOU were in the wrong.
Why'd you always have to be so suspicious? Oh, I don't know...Miss McVitie?
Excuse me? Ooh, yes. Miss Chloe McVitie?
That's not mine. Ooh, it's not?
Well, it's not my name. It's got your picture on it.
Oh, it was a joke, OK. Everyone at school's got them. I haven't even used mine yet.
Yet?! Yes, that's the word that scares us.
Yeah, keep it! Be nice for you to have a driving licence without any points on it.
Oh, ho ho!
You can just hold on right there.
This isn't just about the fake driving licence.
What do you mean? Well, this wasn't the only thing I found.
What else did you find? You know exactly what I found.
That's not even mine. I was just holding it for Lucy.
Your mother and I are so disappointed in you, aren't we?
Disappointed doesn't even begin to describe how we feel.
I'm so sorry. It'll never happen again, I promise.
Oh, no? Well, you get up them stairs and you get that thing,
and you bring it right down here and then, maybe, we can put this thing behind us,
and then maybe I can look at you like I used to look at you.
Like the daughter I loved.
OK.
Scared the crap out of her. Yeah, you did. Felt fantastic!
Hey, what do you think the thing is? Don't know.
Find out in a minute.
Oops!
Chloe! Chloe! Grab it!
Listen, there is no need for you to do this.
I can hang them myself.
Oh, not at all, Mehmet. We've put you through enough inconvenience already.
I hope the, er, Mint Imperials meet your approval.
Good, so we can put this behind us, yeah?
Yes, I suppose. Great. Ciao.
Who's this?
Where is my Gordon Burns?
Faruk?
♪ I know it's going to be all right
♪ Forever, I'll be by your side
♪ For everyone you love
♪ For everyone you feel
♪ I'm never giving up
♪ Until the dream is real ♪