1
00:00:01,865 --> 00:00:02,985
so guinness for Ben,
2
00:00:03,019 --> 00:00:04,387
scotch on the rocks for Fitz
3
00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:07,690
and for Aaron... a
strawberry shortcake-tini?
4
00:00:07,724 --> 00:00:10,359
Yes. But make it a virgin,
because I'm on the Vespa.
5
00:00:11,595 --> 00:00:13,229
Okay, you can drink
like a girl now,
6
00:00:13,263 --> 00:00:15,231
but when we get to Mardi Gras,
we're forcing some
7
00:00:15,299 --> 00:00:16,865
big boy drinks down
your throat, okay?
8
00:00:16,900 --> 00:00:20,470
- Hey, hey, hey, y'all hear that?
- What?
9
00:00:20,504 --> 00:00:23,506
(Chanting):
Mardi Gras, Mardi Gras...
10
00:00:23,540 --> 00:00:24,673
Both: Mardi Gras,
11
00:00:24,708 --> 00:00:25,774
(Imitating beat box)
Mardi Gras.
12
00:00:25,842 --> 00:00:27,176
When I say Mardi,
13
00:00:27,211 --> 00:00:28,311
you say Gras.
14
00:00:28,345 --> 00:00:29,678
Mardi... both: Gras.
15
00:00:29,713 --> 00:00:30,679
Mardi...
I'm not going.
16
00:00:30,714 --> 00:00:31,680
Gras...
17
00:00:31,715 --> 00:00:33,382
Wha... you have to go.
18
00:00:33,417 --> 00:00:34,883
We're staying
at your parents' house.
19
00:00:34,918 --> 00:00:37,320
Okay, correction:
We're not going.
20
00:00:37,354 --> 00:00:38,554
The problem's not Mardi Gras.
21
00:00:38,589 --> 00:00:40,523
It's my sister's baby shower.
22
00:00:40,557 --> 00:00:42,458
We got into a gigantic fight
last night,
23
00:00:42,493 --> 00:00:45,060
and now there's no way we can
be in the same room together.
24
00:00:45,095 --> 00:00:46,035
What was the fight about?
25
00:00:46,155 --> 00:00:48,479
Let me give you a little history
about me and Grace.
26
00:00:48,599 --> 00:00:50,433
Can I envision this history
with everyone wearing bikinis?
27
00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:51,567
Sure.
28
00:00:51,687 --> 00:00:52,679
Thanks.
29
00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:54,737
Sara: See, instead of
taking my advice
30
00:00:54,771 --> 00:00:56,606
and going to college,
Grace decided to get married
31
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,174
and knocked up
by John John Taylor,
32
00:00:58,208 --> 00:01:00,376
the assistant to the assistant
at a drive-thru liquor store.
33
00:01:00,410 --> 00:01:02,578
And now I had made
my peace with that.
34
00:01:02,613 --> 00:01:04,780
And then last night,
Grace and my mom call me
35
00:01:04,814 --> 00:01:06,149
and inform me
36
00:01:06,183 --> 00:01:07,883
that since Grace
is having a baby girl,
37
00:01:07,917 --> 00:01:10,719
she's going to get
my grandmother's sapphire ring,
38
00:01:10,754 --> 00:01:13,822
which traditionally has always
gone to the oldest girl... me.
39
00:01:13,857 --> 00:01:17,160
So I calmly explain
my objection,
40
00:01:17,194 --> 00:01:19,862
and, long story short, my
sister and I aren't speaking.
41
00:01:19,896 --> 00:01:22,231
Hmm, the bikinis barely
got me through that one.
42
00:01:22,266 --> 00:01:24,333
There's no way I can make
it through this weekend
43
00:01:24,368 --> 00:01:25,968
without saying
something I'll regret
44
00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:28,304
or possibly biting that dang
ring off my sister's finger.
45
00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:30,373
Right, like Gollum
from Lord Of The Rings.
46
00:01:30,407 --> 00:01:32,074
I don't know what that
is because I'm pretty.
47
00:01:32,108 --> 00:01:35,211
Sara, you'll be fine.
Okay, this is what friends are for.
48
00:01:35,245 --> 00:01:36,403
Yeah, we're going to get you
through this weekend.
49
00:01:36,523 --> 00:01:37,067
Really?
50
00:01:37,187 --> 00:01:40,416
Yeah. We won't let you say
or do anything bad.
51
00:01:40,450 --> 00:01:41,999
We'll be like Tom Cruise's
first publicist.
52
00:01:42,119 --> 00:01:43,660
Mm, he was great.
53
00:01:43,780 --> 00:01:46,855
Okay. I mean, with
enough friends and vodka,
54
00:01:46,890 --> 00:01:48,457
- I can get through anything.
- Yes!
55
00:01:49,259 --> 00:01:50,326
I feel like starting
56
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:51,394
a chant right now.
57
00:01:51,428 --> 00:01:53,162
But I've been burned before.
58
00:01:53,197 --> 00:01:54,830
Oh, go ahead.
59
00:01:54,864 --> 00:01:56,932
When I say Mardi, you say Gras.
60
00:01:56,966 --> 00:01:58,334
- Mardi...
All: - Gras.
61
00:01:58,368 --> 00:01:59,902
- Mardi...
- Gras.
62
00:02:01,205 --> 00:02:03,906
♪ ♪
63
00:02:04,242 --> 00:02:07,206
Friends with Benefits; Season 01, Episode 07
The Benefits of Mardi Gras
Original Air Date: August 26, 2011
64
00:02:07,326 --> 00:02:09,699
==sync, correction by dcdah==
for www.addic7ed.com
65
00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:17,520
♪ going down to Louisiana ♪
66
00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,488
♪ Louisiana, here I come ♪
67
00:02:20,591 --> 00:02:23,726
♪ going down to Louisiana ♪
68
00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:26,095
♪ Louisiana, here I come ♪
69
00:02:27,397 --> 00:02:30,132
♪ they got some pretty little
women there... ♪
70
00:02:30,166 --> 00:02:31,800
Ah, there's my girl!
71
00:02:31,835 --> 00:02:33,536
Hi.
(Laughing)
72
00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:35,003
- Honey.
- Come on in.
73
00:02:35,038 --> 00:02:36,939
Hey, how you doing?
74
00:02:36,973 --> 00:02:39,575
- Hi. Riley.
- Hi.
75
00:02:39,610 --> 00:02:41,277
Let me show you all
to your rooms.
76
00:02:41,311 --> 00:02:42,678
- Great.
- All right.
77
00:02:42,713 --> 00:02:44,079
Hey, Grace.
78
00:02:44,114 --> 00:02:45,481
You look really beautiful.
79
00:02:46,783 --> 00:02:49,285
You're literally
not speaking to me. Okay.
80
00:02:49,319 --> 00:02:51,287
All right, now come on,
you two, and hug.
81
00:02:51,321 --> 00:02:55,090
There's no problem so big,
it's more important than family.
82
00:02:58,895 --> 00:03:00,263
Your face looks puffy.
83
00:03:00,297 --> 00:03:01,830
Your skin looks blotchy.
84
00:03:03,066 --> 00:03:05,501
Now, see, isn't that better?
85
00:03:05,535 --> 00:03:06,869
(Chuckles)
86
00:03:13,587 --> 00:03:18,046
Oh, thank God I didn't take
Sara's advice and go to college.
87
00:03:18,081 --> 00:03:20,149
My friends are up to their necks
in STDs
88
00:03:20,183 --> 00:03:21,850
and student loans and...
89
00:03:21,885 --> 00:03:25,521
Instead, I'm am carrying this
precious little baby girl.
90
00:03:26,663 --> 00:03:30,893
So, Sara, has your love life
gotten better in Chicago?
91
00:03:30,927 --> 00:03:32,027
Gotten better?
92
00:03:32,061 --> 00:03:33,162
It's gotten awesome.
93
00:03:33,196 --> 00:03:35,864
I just went on a great date
last week.
94
00:03:35,899 --> 00:03:36,899
I'm getting hungry.
95
00:03:36,933 --> 00:03:38,367
You want to get breakfast?
96
00:03:38,402 --> 00:03:40,068
You know what sounds good?
97
00:03:40,103 --> 00:03:41,236
French toast.
98
00:03:41,271 --> 00:03:44,507
Do you like French toast?
99
00:03:44,541 --> 00:03:46,509
Hello?
100
00:03:46,543 --> 00:03:48,711
(Door closes)
Oh, crap!
101
00:03:48,779 --> 00:03:50,346
Well, don't worry.
102
00:03:50,380 --> 00:03:52,381
I'm sure you still have
time to find someone
103
00:03:52,416 --> 00:03:53,916
before it all
shuts down on you.
104
00:03:53,950 --> 00:03:55,584
John John:
Worst-case scenario:
105
00:03:55,619 --> 00:03:58,621
You can get a foreign baby
like that Angelina Jolie.
106
00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:02,090
I mean, you can be 70
and adopt a foreign baby.
107
00:04:02,125 --> 00:04:03,459
There you go.
108
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:04,493
You could be 70.
109
00:04:04,528 --> 00:04:06,796
I'm 20 freakin' 8.
110
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:08,964
I have plenty of
time to find a man.
111
00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:10,366
And when I do,
112
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,267
he's going to be awesome.
Oh, and if he does
113
00:04:12,302 --> 00:04:13,969
have a name like John,
114
00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:15,838
his middle name is going
to be a different name,
115
00:04:15,872 --> 00:04:16,939
like Carl.
116
00:04:16,973 --> 00:04:18,307
Sara. Sara: And for the record,
117
00:04:18,342 --> 00:04:21,109
when I do have a kid,
he or she is going to
118
00:04:21,144 --> 00:04:23,145
run circles around
your stupid baby.
119
00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:26,148
(Grace whimpering)
120
00:04:28,585 --> 00:04:31,253
Who's ready for Mardi Gras?
121
00:04:31,321 --> 00:04:33,723
(Imitates horn blowing)
122
00:04:33,757 --> 00:04:36,592
(Dixieland playing)
123
00:04:36,626 --> 00:04:38,160
Man, Mardi Gras.
124
00:04:38,194 --> 00:04:40,095
What a beautiful sight.
125
00:04:40,129 --> 00:04:42,431
Hey, I might get a little
misty-eyed here, fellas.
126
00:04:42,466 --> 00:04:45,434
I mean, the history,
the music, the pageantry.
127
00:04:45,502 --> 00:04:46,635
The boobies.
128
00:04:46,670 --> 00:04:47,837
The boobies.
129
00:04:47,871 --> 00:04:49,805
Whoo-hoo!
130
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,440
- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
131
00:04:51,475 --> 00:04:53,442
Wow! How do we end this?
132
00:04:53,477 --> 00:04:56,479
- You give me beads. Whoo-hoo!
- Don't have any beads.
133
00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:59,749
Well, I'll hold here while you
go get some, baby. Whoo-hoo!
134
00:04:59,783 --> 00:05:01,250
I don't know
where to get beads.
135
00:05:01,317 --> 00:05:02,818
I don't know what the bead
to breast exchange rate is.
136
00:05:02,853 --> 00:05:04,820
I-I... I-I-I'm...
137
00:05:04,855 --> 00:05:08,123
I have... $20.
138
00:05:08,157 --> 00:05:11,126
What kind of a girl
do you think I am?
139
00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:12,595
Creep.
140
00:05:13,497 --> 00:05:15,431
Uh, okay, we got
a problem here.
141
00:05:15,465 --> 00:05:16,766
We are bead-less
at Mardi Gras.
142
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:18,534
Okay, that's the third
vendor I've been to,
143
00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:19,769
and they're all sold out.
144
00:05:19,803 --> 00:05:20,770
Guys, chill out.
145
00:05:20,804 --> 00:05:22,070
Tonight is going to be epic.
146
00:05:22,138 --> 00:05:23,939
Besides, you know
I've got your back.
147
00:05:25,442 --> 00:05:26,542
Check it out, boys.
148
00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:28,844
(Crowd whooping and cheering)
149
00:05:31,481 --> 00:05:33,883
Riley, you are a true friend.
150
00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,584
Uh, beads here.
Got your beads.
151
00:05:35,619 --> 00:05:37,319
No, please, please,
no, I have a real thing
152
00:05:37,353 --> 00:05:39,054
with sudden nudity.
It's not...
153
00:05:39,088 --> 00:05:40,689
Okay, how are you not
having a good time?
154
00:05:40,724 --> 00:05:42,525
This whole thing makes me
very uncomfortable.
155
00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:44,927
There's breasts and
there's oysters, there's...
156
00:05:44,961 --> 00:05:47,162
A man just yelling
at people from stilts.
157
00:05:47,196 --> 00:05:49,432
What is the organizing
principle here?
158
00:05:49,499 --> 00:05:51,500
Okay, you know what?
159
00:05:51,535 --> 00:05:53,368
Here, Aaron, this
is a hurricane.
160
00:05:53,403 --> 00:05:55,203
Hurricane, this is Aaron.
161
00:05:55,238 --> 00:05:57,840
You two are going to
be very good friends.
162
00:05:57,874 --> 00:05:59,308
To Mardi Gras.
163
00:06:01,110 --> 00:06:02,311
Oh, my goodness!
164
00:06:02,345 --> 00:06:04,246
That smells like my mom
when she kissed me good night.
165
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:05,247
Wow!
166
00:06:05,281 --> 00:06:07,249
Wow, that is strong
even for me.
167
00:06:07,283 --> 00:06:11,219
I'd better not end up
on Girls Gone Wild.
168
00:06:11,254 --> 00:06:13,155
Mmm. Come on.
169
00:06:13,189 --> 00:06:15,090
I feel terrible
about what I said.
170
00:06:15,124 --> 00:06:17,025
Oh, come on,
don't beat yourself up.
171
00:06:17,060 --> 00:06:19,662
Hey, when I was eight, my little
brother got a new baseball mitt.
172
00:06:19,696 --> 00:06:22,431
I took it and I buried it in the
backyard and never told him.
173
00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:23,599
He was good, too.
174
00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:25,000
Yeah, you were eight.
175
00:06:25,034 --> 00:06:27,369
I'm 28, and I'm acting
like a total baby.
176
00:06:27,403 --> 00:06:29,472
Well, you know, you have
been waiting your whole life
177
00:06:29,506 --> 00:06:32,341
for that ring, so it's not
crazy to be a little jealous.
178
00:06:32,408 --> 00:06:35,344
There's no way I'm going to be able
to turn things around with Grace.
179
00:06:35,378 --> 00:06:37,750
Or you could totally turn
things around with Grace.
180
00:06:37,870 --> 00:06:38,495
How?
181
00:06:38,615 --> 00:06:39,982
Tomorrow at the baby shower,
182
00:06:40,016 --> 00:06:42,718
you give the most heartfelt
toast anyone has ever heard.
183
00:06:42,752 --> 00:06:43,886
I don't know.
184
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:45,153
Come on, I've gotten out
185
00:06:45,188 --> 00:06:47,022
of some pretty sticky
situations because of a toast.
186
00:06:47,056 --> 00:06:49,592
So here's to Officer Haggar,
187
00:06:49,626 --> 00:06:51,226
a cop among policemen.
188
00:06:51,260 --> 00:06:53,228
Is that an open container?
189
00:06:54,598 --> 00:06:56,899
And now the cop and I
are friends on Facebook.
190
00:06:56,933 --> 00:06:58,534
Well, I can't make
things any worse.
191
00:06:58,568 --> 00:06:59,935
Will you help me?
192
00:06:59,970 --> 00:07:01,203
I'll sit by you and eat.
193
00:07:01,237 --> 00:07:02,404
Perfect.
194
00:07:02,438 --> 00:07:04,740
(Whooping) Hey, all right!
195
00:07:04,774 --> 00:07:06,208
Here you go.
196
00:07:06,242 --> 00:07:07,910
That's from both of us.
197
00:07:07,944 --> 00:07:09,277
Okay, I think I nailed it.
198
00:07:09,312 --> 00:07:11,446
"As the Irish say,
there are good ships
199
00:07:11,481 --> 00:07:12,815
and there are
wood ships, but..."
200
00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:14,449
What are you doing?
201
00:07:14,484 --> 00:07:16,251
It took kind of a weird turn
at the end there.
202
00:07:16,285 --> 00:07:17,620
No, what are you doing?
203
00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:19,421
Tell me you're not
eating the King Cake.
204
00:07:19,455 --> 00:07:20,489
Um...
205
00:07:20,524 --> 00:07:22,457
Holy crap, you're
eating the King Cake?
206
00:07:22,492 --> 00:07:24,326
It is kind of the king
of all cakes.
207
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:25,961
Or are you saying
that I'm the king,
208
00:07:25,996 --> 00:07:27,062
and this is my cake?
209
00:07:27,130 --> 00:07:28,296
No, the King Cake.
210
00:07:28,331 --> 00:07:29,865
You make it
to celebrate Mardi Gras.
211
00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:32,635
The baker usually puts a little
trinket in there for someone to find.
212
00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:34,136
Only in this case...
213
00:07:34,170 --> 00:07:36,038
So, we're gonna put
grandma's ring
214
00:07:36,072 --> 00:07:37,640
right into the king cake.
215
00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:39,207
And then we're
going to make sure
216
00:07:39,242 --> 00:07:40,275
I get the right piece.
217
00:07:40,309 --> 00:07:41,343
Isn't that fun?
218
00:07:41,377 --> 00:07:43,145
So fun.
219
00:07:44,948 --> 00:07:47,750
Okay, okay, we'll just
cut off the piece you ate
220
00:07:47,784 --> 00:07:49,151
and cover it with frosting.
221
00:07:49,185 --> 00:07:50,853
No one will ever know.
222
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:52,354
Yeah, that's a good plan.
223
00:07:52,388 --> 00:07:55,190
It's just, um, you know, the
piece I ate was all of it.
224
00:07:55,224 --> 00:07:57,159
The ring's inside you?
225
00:07:57,193 --> 00:07:58,827
I don't know.
You're the doctor.
226
00:07:58,862 --> 00:08:00,029
Oh!
227
00:08:00,468 --> 00:08:02,410
How could you swallow the
ring without knowing it?
228
00:08:02,530 --> 00:08:04,189
I can't explain my process,
229
00:08:04,183 --> 00:08:05,351
I was in the zone.
230
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:24,102
People are getting here
at noon tomorrow.
231
00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:25,604
What are we going to do?
232
00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:27,937
All right, you are going to bake
a new cake tomorrow morning...
233
00:08:28,057 --> 00:08:30,609
- Yeah?
- I'm gonna pass that ring.
234
00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:33,812
That is the craziest idea
you've ever had.
235
00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:34,846
What? No, no.
236
00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:36,782
I've had way crazier ideas.
237
00:08:36,816 --> 00:08:40,486
I just think he'll be more
fun than a dog. (Oinking)
238
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,488
It's going to be awesome.
239
00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:49,861
Ah!
Let's go to the shooting range.
240
00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:51,297
What if it
doesn't come in time?
241
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:52,331
Not a problem.
242
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:53,932
See, this is where
I save the day.
243
00:08:53,966 --> 00:08:56,201
I am so regular that if
I was a superhero,
244
00:08:56,235 --> 00:08:57,670
I would be Craptain America.
245
00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:58,771
But just in case.
246
00:09:01,841 --> 00:09:03,942
You are going to take
a Tri-Delt's best friend.
247
00:09:03,976 --> 00:09:05,277
All right.
248
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:07,012
But just so you know,
this is a little insulting
249
00:09:07,132 --> 00:09:09,281
for a man of my
talents. For real.
250
00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:10,616
All right.
251
00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:11,950
Mmm!
252
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:16,988
What?
253
00:09:17,023 --> 00:09:18,524
I want another hurricane!
254
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:21,627
Because New Orleans
needs more hurricanes!
255
00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:22,795
I love drunk Aaron.
256
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:23,962
He should get off Prozac
257
00:09:23,996 --> 00:09:25,331
and just become
a straight-up alcoholic.
258
00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:26,898
Open up a tab.
259
00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:28,567
You're crazy.
260
00:09:28,601 --> 00:09:30,369
Riley, I'm liberated.
261
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:33,138
I want to say all the things
that are on my mind
262
00:09:33,172 --> 00:09:34,673
that I truly feel.
263
00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:36,274
Like, right now.
264
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:38,176
Fitz:
Hey, hey, hey, Riley.
265
00:09:38,211 --> 00:09:40,178
Oyster shots. Now.
266
00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:41,447
Hold that thought, Aaron.
267
00:09:41,481 --> 00:09:42,821
Fitz has been blabbing
about oyster shots all night.
268
00:09:42,941 --> 00:09:44,068
I'll be right back.
269
00:09:46,285 --> 00:09:47,586
I don't know, I'm
not big on oysters.
270
00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:48,821
Come on, Riley.
271
00:09:48,855 --> 00:09:50,222
You make a good point.
Let's do it.
272
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:53,291
All right, three in a row.
Ready... go.
273
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:06,071
Flash me if you must;
I am not afraid anymore.
274
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:08,874
Riley, ho! Hey, Riley.
275
00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:11,477
So, where was I?
276
00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:15,881
Ah, yes. I was going to say
that among all the thousands
277
00:10:15,915 --> 00:10:19,785
of scantily clad women from all
over the world that are here,
278
00:10:19,819 --> 00:10:22,954
you are the most
beautiful woman inside.
279
00:10:22,989 --> 00:10:24,790
Oh, that's so sweet.
280
00:10:24,824 --> 00:10:27,292
So, here's what's
going to happen.
281
00:10:27,326 --> 00:10:30,896
First, I'm going to
lean in for a kiss.
282
00:10:30,930 --> 00:10:33,932
Then you are going to
lean in for a kiss.
283
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:36,301
And then we are going
to meet right...
284
00:10:37,570 --> 00:10:39,004
There.
285
00:10:39,038 --> 00:10:40,439
Okay?
286
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:42,307
We'll let God do the rest.
287
00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:45,444
Whatever you say.
288
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:48,213
Hey, check it out.
Look who got some liquid courage.
289
00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:52,017
(Chuckles)
290
00:10:52,051 --> 00:10:54,820
Hey, that girl kind
of looks like you.
291
00:10:54,854 --> 00:10:57,289
Yeah, maybe if
you're plastered.
292
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,127
Whoa.
What?
293
00:11:02,161 --> 00:11:04,029
My tummy feels really weird.
294
00:11:04,063 --> 00:11:05,464
Uh-oh. We'd better...
Hey, wait, wait.
295
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,032
(Stammers) It's over here.
296
00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:08,199
Come on.
297
00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:12,471
(Door opens)
298
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:16,441
(Repressed retching)
I'm not going to make it.
299
00:11:16,475 --> 00:11:17,203
Yeah, you have to make it.
300
00:11:17,323 --> 00:11:19,534
You know how hard it is to
get oyster out of carpet?
301
00:11:26,069 --> 00:11:28,269
This feels so right.
302
00:11:28,304 --> 00:11:30,271
I totally agree.
303
00:11:55,464 --> 00:11:57,165
(Exhales sharply)
304
00:11:58,601 --> 00:11:59,901
What's up?
305
00:11:59,936 --> 00:12:01,203
I got to get in there.
306
00:12:01,237 --> 00:12:02,437
That's not going to happen, bro.
307
00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:03,805
No, this is an emergency.
308
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:05,073
Yeah, so is this.
309
00:12:05,108 --> 00:12:06,708
Riley is ear-deep
in the toilet bowl right now.
310
00:12:06,743 --> 00:12:08,076
Damn.
Where's the other bathroom?
311
00:12:08,111 --> 00:12:09,978
I don't know. Probably in
Sara's parents' bedroom.
312
00:12:10,012 --> 00:12:11,613
Damn! What am I gonna do?
313
00:12:11,647 --> 00:12:12,948
I took a laxative.
314
00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:13,949
Why'd you do that?
315
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,117
To help Sara.
316
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:17,452
Man, your thing is messed up.
317
00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:19,888
(Groans)
318
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:39,908
(Sighs)
319
00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:47,916
Who is that?
320
00:12:47,984 --> 00:12:50,018
Hey. It's Ben.
321
00:12:50,052 --> 00:12:51,653
(Chuckling):
Oh. Hey, Ben.
322
00:12:51,687 --> 00:12:52,821
Hey.
323
00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:54,022
Early riser, huh?
324
00:12:54,056 --> 00:12:56,792
Yeah. Just, you know,
some stuff I wanted to do.
325
00:12:56,826 --> 00:12:58,126
Oh.
326
00:12:58,161 --> 00:12:59,594
You're up, which means
your wife's up.
327
00:12:59,628 --> 00:13:00,929
And she's not in the bathroom?
328
00:13:00,963 --> 00:13:02,964
Well, now,
that's a tad personal.
329
00:13:02,999 --> 00:13:04,699
But no, no, she's sleeping.
330
00:13:04,733 --> 00:13:06,334
Okay. Good talk.
331
00:13:06,368 --> 00:13:08,469
Uh, do you ever think
about time, Ben?
332
00:13:08,504 --> 00:13:10,272
Not really. I'll see you around.
333
00:13:10,306 --> 00:13:11,339
Uh, have a seat, Ben.
334
00:13:13,309 --> 00:13:16,011
You know, just yesterday,
335
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,913
Grace was just a
little girl, and...
336
00:13:17,947 --> 00:13:19,681
and now she's
gonna be a mama.
337
00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:22,350
Wow. And...
And I'm gonna be a granddad.
338
00:13:22,384 --> 00:13:23,685
So cool.
339
00:13:23,719 --> 00:13:27,655
I just have all these
feelings building up inside.
340
00:13:27,690 --> 00:13:30,458
I... I feel like
I'm gonna explode.
341
00:13:30,492 --> 00:13:32,393
Ooh. I'm right there with you.
Yep.
342
00:13:32,428 --> 00:13:34,329
Coffee, Ben?
No. No. Uh-uh.
343
00:13:34,363 --> 00:13:35,831
Thank you.
344
00:13:35,865 --> 00:13:37,532
(Pants, shudders)
345
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:42,538
Okay, so I'm almost done
with the dough.
346
00:13:42,629 --> 00:13:44,997
So... drop the ring into
this cup of peroxide,
347
00:13:45,032 --> 00:13:46,732
and let's not make eye contact.
348
00:13:46,766 --> 00:13:49,035
- I don't have a ring for you.
- What?
349
00:13:49,069 --> 00:13:51,603
Your dad wanted to bond with me,
so I missed my window.
350
00:13:51,638 --> 00:13:53,739
What happened to
Craptain America?
351
00:13:53,773 --> 00:13:55,641
Well, he turned
into Mr. Freeze.
352
00:13:55,675 --> 00:13:57,109
No, no, no, no, no.
353
00:13:57,144 --> 00:13:59,078
This is not happening.
I need that ring, Ben.
354
00:13:59,112 --> 00:14:00,779
I already called
Grace's baby stupid,
355
00:14:00,813 --> 00:14:02,381
and I don't think there's
a toast in the world
356
00:14:02,416 --> 00:14:04,583
that's gonna make up for you
eating a three-carat sapphire.
357
00:14:04,617 --> 00:14:05,918
Well, what are you going to do,
358
00:14:05,952 --> 00:14:07,486
carve it out of me
with a spatula?
359
00:14:07,521 --> 00:14:09,621
No. I did bring
my medical kit.
360
00:14:09,656 --> 00:14:10,989
What's your pain threshold?
361
00:14:11,024 --> 00:14:12,258
Oh, come on.
You know what?
362
00:14:14,928 --> 00:14:17,930
Yeah. Whatever happens
next is on you.
363
00:14:17,964 --> 00:14:19,532
I'm fine with that.
364
00:14:19,566 --> 00:14:21,133
Aaron:
Hey.
365
00:14:21,168 --> 00:14:23,269
Hey.
There you are.
366
00:14:23,303 --> 00:14:25,604
(Grunts) Wow.
367
00:14:25,638 --> 00:14:27,606
What an amazing night.
368
00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:29,475
I had such a great time.
369
00:14:29,509 --> 00:14:31,343
I didn't.
You didn't?
370
00:14:31,378 --> 00:14:33,779
The whole thing
was just really disgusting.
371
00:14:35,348 --> 00:14:39,452
Wow. I kind of hoped that you'd
had as good a time as I did.
372
00:14:39,486 --> 00:14:41,287
Ew. Not even close.
373
00:14:41,321 --> 00:14:43,622
As soon as I got back,
the vomiting started.
374
00:14:43,656 --> 00:14:45,124
You know what?
I finally know
375
00:14:45,158 --> 00:14:47,259
what it means to truly regret
something in life.
376
00:14:47,294 --> 00:14:49,661
That seems extreme.
377
00:14:49,696 --> 00:14:52,030
Hey, Fitz.
How was your night?
378
00:14:52,065 --> 00:14:55,000
It was okay, relatively.
379
00:14:55,034 --> 00:14:57,436
I just felt bad
for Riley, though.
380
00:14:57,471 --> 00:14:58,670
She told you about last night?
381
00:14:58,705 --> 00:15:00,639
Told me? Man, I was
there the whole time.
382
00:15:00,673 --> 00:15:02,374
What?
383
00:15:02,409 --> 00:15:04,477
Yeah. I mean, somebody
had to hold her hair
384
00:15:04,511 --> 00:15:06,445
and rub her back to
get her through it.
385
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:07,913
Okay. I have to say, guys,
386
00:15:07,947 --> 00:15:10,048
this is really starting
to hurt my feelings.
387
00:15:10,083 --> 00:15:11,250
How is this about you?
388
00:15:11,284 --> 00:15:13,319
I was the one bent over
and crying all night.
389
00:15:13,353 --> 00:15:14,720
Because I was there!
390
00:15:14,754 --> 00:15:16,054
Well, if you were there,
I could not tell.
391
00:15:16,089 --> 00:15:17,856
Man!
392
00:15:20,260 --> 00:15:22,894
Oh, man. I can't believe
this is happening.
393
00:15:22,929 --> 00:15:25,897
What if... what if I
never do it again?
394
00:15:25,932 --> 00:15:28,400
This is going to be
the best baby shower.
395
00:15:28,435 --> 00:15:29,868
What are you doing?
396
00:15:29,902 --> 00:15:31,637
What are you doing?
397
00:15:31,671 --> 00:15:33,005
Are you making a cake?
398
00:15:33,039 --> 00:15:35,073
But... but, sweetie,
we already have the ca...
399
00:15:36,149 --> 00:15:38,043
Sara, what happened
to the king cake?
400
00:15:38,077 --> 00:15:39,612
Where is my ring?
401
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,047
There was a robbery.
402
00:15:42,081 --> 00:15:43,182
The recession.
403
00:15:43,216 --> 00:15:44,550
Voodoo people.
404
00:15:44,584 --> 00:15:46,985
No. No. I...
I ate the ring.
405
00:15:47,020 --> 00:15:48,254
(Gasps)
406
00:15:48,288 --> 00:15:50,088
Sara, how could you?
407
00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:51,624
Me?
408
00:15:51,658 --> 00:15:52,991
He confessed.
409
00:15:53,059 --> 00:15:54,160
I did nothing.
410
00:15:54,194 --> 00:15:55,694
I was just writing
a stupid toast
411
00:15:55,728 --> 00:15:57,196
so you wouldn't be mad at me,
412
00:15:57,230 --> 00:15:58,564
and Ben accidentally
ate the ring.
413
00:15:58,598 --> 00:16:00,766
Oh, like you didn't
put him up to it.
414
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:01,833
Yes, you're right.
415
00:16:01,868 --> 00:16:03,068
I came down to Louisiana
416
00:16:03,102 --> 00:16:04,870
to smuggle the ring
back inside Ben.
417
00:16:04,904 --> 00:16:06,705
You know, I was going to put it
418
00:16:06,739 --> 00:16:09,241
in a box or a bag,
but then I thought
419
00:16:09,276 --> 00:16:11,743
Ben's colon would be
so much more diabolical.
420
00:16:11,778 --> 00:16:13,245
Well, I hope you're happy, Sara,
421
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:15,681
because you have ruined
my baby shower,
422
00:16:15,715 --> 00:16:17,916
you-you ruined grandma's ring,
and you...
423
00:16:17,950 --> 00:16:20,419
Oh, my God.
Something's happening.
424
00:16:20,453 --> 00:16:22,054
Oh, my God.
Something's happening.
425
00:16:22,088 --> 00:16:23,255
- What?
- What?
426
00:16:23,290 --> 00:16:25,191
- Sara, what's going on?
- Your water just broke.
427
00:16:25,225 --> 00:16:26,525
You're going into labor.
428
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:28,060
And you...
What?
429
00:16:28,094 --> 00:16:29,361
Drank an entire bottle
of laxative.
430
00:16:29,396 --> 00:16:31,197
I have no idea
what's going to happen to you.
431
00:16:31,231 --> 00:16:32,864
Grace, you're coming with me.
432
00:16:32,899 --> 00:16:35,534
Ben, go use the bathroom
in the garage.
433
00:16:35,569 --> 00:16:37,703
There's a bathroom
in the garage?
434
00:16:45,912 --> 00:16:47,413
Aaron, why are you
acting so weird?
435
00:16:47,447 --> 00:16:49,081
You're the one who
got lucky last night.
436
00:16:50,183 --> 00:16:51,783
Well, I can't really
enjoy myself
437
00:16:51,818 --> 00:16:53,752
if the person
that I got lucky with
438
00:16:53,786 --> 00:16:55,454
spent the rest
of the evening vomiting.
439
00:16:55,488 --> 00:16:56,788
Oh, my God. She did?
440
00:16:56,823 --> 00:16:59,091
I understand that we're
in the South, but why are you
441
00:16:59,125 --> 00:17:00,992
talking about yourself
in the third person?
442
00:17:01,027 --> 00:17:02,761
Aaron!
443
00:17:02,795 --> 00:17:04,330
I'm here.
444
00:17:04,364 --> 00:17:05,664
Hi.
445
00:17:05,699 --> 00:17:06,440
- Hi.
- Hi.
446
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:07,013
Hi.
447
00:17:07,133 --> 00:17:08,601
Gosh, it's good to see you.
448
00:17:09,936 --> 00:17:11,069
Who are you?
449
00:17:11,104 --> 00:17:12,404
I'm Caroline.
450
00:17:12,439 --> 00:17:14,406
I mean, you called
me Riley all night,
451
00:17:14,441 --> 00:17:17,243
but I figured that was
just your pet name for me.
452
00:17:17,277 --> 00:17:19,845
I called you... you...
453
00:17:19,879 --> 00:17:21,947
So I thought that you...
454
00:17:21,981 --> 00:17:24,250
Oh, gosh!
This is a relief.
455
00:17:24,284 --> 00:17:26,652
And totally awful.
Oh, man.
456
00:17:26,686 --> 00:17:31,923
So... so you came here to...
Meet me...
457
00:17:31,958 --> 00:17:34,059
Because you told me all
about the baby shower,
458
00:17:34,093 --> 00:17:35,827
- and I promised to be here.
- Right.
459
00:17:35,862 --> 00:17:37,696
And that means that last night,
Riley, you...
460
00:17:37,731 --> 00:17:38,897
Puked up oyster shots.
461
00:17:38,965 --> 00:17:41,700
Oh, that is the
best news ever.
462
00:17:41,735 --> 00:17:43,369
Oh, God. Okay.
463
00:17:43,403 --> 00:17:43,841
Riley.
464
00:17:43,961 --> 00:17:44,417
- Yes?
- Yeah?
465
00:17:44,537 --> 00:17:45,971
No. Sorry.
Caroline.
466
00:17:46,005 --> 00:17:47,473
- Yeah.
- Come with me for a second.
467
00:17:47,507 --> 00:17:49,875
What a...
What a great situation.
468
00:17:49,909 --> 00:17:51,510
Gosh.
469
00:17:52,879 --> 00:17:55,614
Wow. Last night was
really incredible.
470
00:17:55,649 --> 00:17:56,948
(Both laughing)
471
00:17:56,983 --> 00:17:59,084
And I'm going to say this
472
00:17:59,118 --> 00:18:03,221
as honestly and politely
as I can.
473
00:18:03,256 --> 00:18:05,624
I don't remember
ever meeting you
474
00:18:05,692 --> 00:18:07,660
or who you are
475
00:18:07,694 --> 00:18:09,861
or anything about you.
476
00:18:11,063 --> 00:18:13,899
Can I at least keep the puppy?
477
00:18:13,933 --> 00:18:16,034
- Yes.
- Great.
478
00:18:18,772 --> 00:18:20,906
Smooth. Very smooth.
479
00:18:20,940 --> 00:18:23,175
Just keep breathing
the way I showed you.
480
00:18:23,209 --> 00:18:24,976
I don't need you to tell me
when to get married,
481
00:18:25,011 --> 00:18:27,078
and I don't need you to tell me
how to breathe, dang it!
482
00:18:27,113 --> 00:18:28,180
Sara:
Fine. Don't breathe.
483
00:18:28,214 --> 00:18:29,548
But I need you to push.
484
00:18:29,582 --> 00:18:30,982
No! I don't want to!
485
00:18:31,017 --> 00:18:32,551
Well, you're starting to crown.
If you don't push,
486
00:18:32,585 --> 00:18:34,486
you're going to walk around
for the rest of your life
487
00:18:34,521 --> 00:18:35,721
with a baby head
between your legs.
488
00:18:35,755 --> 00:18:38,490
I'm out.
I'm out!
489
00:18:41,528 --> 00:18:44,062
Just, for once in your life,
can you listen to me?
490
00:18:44,096 --> 00:18:45,597
- I'm a doctor.
- I know!
491
00:18:45,632 --> 00:18:48,734
Okay? Everyone in the whole town
knows you're a bleeping doctor,
492
00:18:48,768 --> 00:18:51,437
and I'm just the dumb hick
with a GED
493
00:18:51,471 --> 00:18:53,372
and a quote/unquote
"stupid baby."
494
00:18:53,406 --> 00:18:54,506
I'm sorry.
495
00:18:54,541 --> 00:18:56,074
I said that because I'm jealous.
496
00:18:56,142 --> 00:18:57,543
You are?
497
00:18:57,577 --> 00:18:59,077
Of course, I am.
498
00:18:59,111 --> 00:19:02,548
Sara, be more specific.
499
00:19:02,582 --> 00:19:05,551
Um, you're beautiful,
500
00:19:05,585 --> 00:19:06,785
you're in love,
501
00:19:06,820 --> 00:19:09,621
and you're going
to have a family.
502
00:19:09,656 --> 00:19:11,824
Hold on.
We got company.
503
00:19:11,891 --> 00:19:14,860
All right,
this is it, Grace. Push.
504
00:19:14,894 --> 00:19:16,528
(Grunting):
I love you!
505
00:19:16,596 --> 00:19:18,731
I love you, too.
506
00:19:18,765 --> 00:19:19,965
I'm out.
507
00:19:19,999 --> 00:19:21,066
Out again.
508
00:19:21,100 --> 00:19:22,901
Oh!
509
00:19:22,935 --> 00:19:24,970
Now, this
is my first baby shower.
510
00:19:25,004 --> 00:19:26,572
That I'm aware of.
511
00:19:26,606 --> 00:19:28,206
(Chuckling)
512
00:19:28,241 --> 00:19:30,208
How could you have thought
that girl was me?
513
00:19:30,243 --> 00:19:32,043
Well, in my defense,
I also thought
514
00:19:32,078 --> 00:19:34,346
that the guy dressed as an
alligator was an alligator.
515
00:19:34,414 --> 00:19:36,682
He eventually talked
me out of it.
516
00:19:39,085 --> 00:19:42,454
Everybody, I'd like y'all
to meet my first grandbaby.
517
00:19:42,489 --> 00:19:43,789
Isn't she beautiful?
518
00:19:43,823 --> 00:19:45,391
She looks just like me
519
00:19:45,425 --> 00:19:46,892
before I got this haircut.
520
00:19:46,959 --> 00:19:49,661
My Gracie did such
a great job.
521
00:19:49,696 --> 00:19:51,497
Grace: Well, I couldn't
have done anything
522
00:19:51,531 --> 00:19:52,865
without my big sister.
523
00:19:52,899 --> 00:19:54,266
Aw.
524
00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:56,334
That's true, but...
525
00:19:56,369 --> 00:19:58,303
I'm so happy for you.
526
00:19:58,337 --> 00:20:00,171
And I'm an aunt.
527
00:20:00,206 --> 00:20:02,307
Aunt Sara.
528
00:20:02,341 --> 00:20:04,209
Old Aunt Sara.
529
00:20:04,243 --> 00:20:06,144
You are not old, okay?
530
00:20:06,178 --> 00:20:09,014
You see, all those women on
Sex And The City are like 50,
531
00:20:09,081 --> 00:20:11,349
and they're still carrying
on like the world's on fire.
532
00:20:11,384 --> 00:20:13,018
(Chuckles)
533
00:20:13,052 --> 00:20:15,454
Hi, baby.
534
00:20:15,488 --> 00:20:18,056
I know you're sleeping, but...
535
00:20:18,090 --> 00:20:21,226
Remember, if a guy
on match.com
536
00:20:21,260 --> 00:20:22,628
tells you he's an entrepreneur,
537
00:20:22,662 --> 00:20:26,532
he will rob your apartment.
538
00:20:29,301 --> 00:20:31,902
Everybody, I got it.
539
00:20:31,937 --> 00:20:34,538
Wow. You just officially ruined
Lord Of The Rings for me.
540
00:20:34,573 --> 00:20:35,873
I soaked it in peroxide,
541
00:20:35,907 --> 00:20:37,241
and then I poured
bleach all over it,
542
00:20:37,276 --> 00:20:39,110
then I cleaned it,
and then I got sick,
543
00:20:39,144 --> 00:20:40,744
and then I laid
there for a while.
544
00:20:40,779 --> 00:20:43,381
But, Grace, I want
to give this to you.
545
00:20:43,449 --> 00:20:45,716
You know, Sara, I think that
you should really have it.
546
00:20:45,750 --> 00:20:47,285
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
547
00:20:47,319 --> 00:20:48,586
Mom wants you to have it.
548
00:20:48,620 --> 00:20:50,888
Yeah, but she should
have given it to you.
549
00:20:50,922 --> 00:20:53,458
Hey, ladies, I moved heaven and
earth to get this thing out,
550
00:20:53,492 --> 00:20:55,994
okay, so it's going on the
finger of a pretty lady.
551
00:20:57,162 --> 00:20:58,229
I'll take it.
552
00:20:59,642 --> 00:21:00,562
Oh.
553
00:21:00,971 --> 00:21:03,134
==sync, correction by dcdah==
for www.addic7ed.com