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Previously on How to be a Gentleman.
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Your "How to be a Gentleman"
is just too tame.
3
00:00:07,173 --> 00:00:08,550
I feel like my whole world is
falling apart.
4
00:00:08,716 --> 00:00:10,135
Oh, that's cause it is.
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- Excuse me, Andrew Carlson?
- Yeah.
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Dead arm!
7
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Bert Lansing from high school!
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Me and my buddies used
to dead arm you all the time.
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You don't remember me?
10
00:00:20,603 --> 00:00:23,732
This is my gym.
Bert's Body Shop.
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See, I got a whole philosophy.
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00:00:25,274 --> 00:00:28,654
I'm into the whole Asian thing
of mind, body and spirit.
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(slurring): No one cares about
being a gentleman anymore.
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You know everything
about being a gentleman,
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but nothing about being a man.
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I always feel safe around Andrew.
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I kill many of her bugs.
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You should be taking off
many of her pants.
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You need to ask her out.
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I can't believe she said yes.
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I'd like to become an official
member of Bert's Body Shop.
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Actually, proper gym etiquette
mandates that you need to re...
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(groans)
Dead arm!
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What was that?
25
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You were being you.
We'll fix that.
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Come on.
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ANDREW: For a gentleman, early morning
is a time for quiet reflection,
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a stress-free moment
to ease into the...
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(pounding on door) BERT:
Yo, Andrew, open up, it's go time.
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Bert?
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What are you doing here?
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You hired me to be your trainer.
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It's time to start training.
34
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But we worked out yesterday.
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Look, I don't want to get too big.
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I think we're good.
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Besides, you didn't just hire me
to get your body in shape.
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You hired me to get
your whole life in shape.
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That means I got to be with you 24-7.
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Well, you can't be with me 24-7.
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That would mean
you'd have to move in.
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Bingo.
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A guest bedroom is
preferable, but, hey,
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I could crash on the couch.
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H-Hold on, you're not moving in.
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I didn't hire you for that.
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Don't act so shocked.
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We talked about this.
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I said, "If you want me
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to get you in shape,
I got to move in."
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You said, "I'm totally cool
with that, bro."
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I never said that.
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Trust me, this is
the only way to fix you.
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I just think it is weird to
have my trainer live with me.
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I'm not just your trainer,
I'm your friend.
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We go all the way back
to high school.
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Where you used to beat me up.
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(laughing)
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I'm glad we can laugh about that now.
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Uh, could you not
disrupt that, please?
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I've got everything organized
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by expiration date.
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This job's gonna be a little
harder than I thought.
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What is your job exactly?
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My job is to tear you down
and build you back up
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brick by freckly brick.
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I'm gonna change the way you think,
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the way you act, the way you dress.
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What's wrong with the way I dress?
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Nothing.
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Has the captain turned off
the seat belt sign yet?
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Am I free to move about the cabin?
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You're certainly free to leave.
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The exits are here and here.
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Yeah, a little backbone, I like that.
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This might not take
as long as I thought.
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And how long is that?
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I don't know, maybe six weeks.
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Six weeks?
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Okay, I don't think I need
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that level of attention.
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How many women have you had
sex with in the past year?
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Six weeks sounds fine.
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Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
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RT: Come on, lock it out,
lock it out.
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All right, eye of the tiger, baby.
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Whew.
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I feel good.
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Hey, check it out, my first vein.
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That's a pen mark.
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Oh, yeah, crossword accident.
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Now, don't feel bad,
you're doing great.
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I've got your picture up on the wall.
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- You do? Yeah,
- You're like a celebrity around here.
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I'm a before?
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You're going to be
my finest achievement.
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If I can fix you, I can fix anyone.
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It's going to be like turning
a baby bird into Vin Diesel.
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Wonderful, am I done?
100
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No, n-n-no, we got another set.
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We got to get ur arms
pumped for tonight.
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We're going to a bar to hit on women.
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No, I do not go out on work nights.
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That's one of my rules.
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Well, that's a rule
you got to change.
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Well, I would, but I have a rule
about not changing rules,
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so I win.
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- Tell that to your arm.
- Huh?
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Oh!
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Dead arm.
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I win.
112
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Hey, Andrew.
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Aah!
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Jerry, what are
you doing in my office?
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You're hiding from Cody again,
aren't you?
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I am.
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Yeah, I know what you're thinking.
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Why would a 50-year-old man be hiding
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from his new 25-year-old boss?
120
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Two words: lunch jogs.
121
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I don't like jogging.
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I like eating.
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You're the editor of
the magazine, Jerry.
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If you don't want to
go, just tell him.
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Whoa, what happened to my chair?
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Cody wants the offices to feel
younger and hipper, you know,
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to reflect the new direction
of the magazine,
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so he got everybody a new chair.
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This isn't a chair,
Jerry, this is a ball.
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I thought it was a ball, too.
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Then Cody clarified for me
that it is a chair.
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He's great at making me
change the way I see things,
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like yesterday when I told him
I liked your article,
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00:04:51,424 --> 00:04:53,376
he made me see that I didn't.
135
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He wants it to be sexier.
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But it's all about how the brain
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is the ultimate erogenous zone.
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It is smart and sexy.
139
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The brain is not sexy.
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No guy ever pleasured himself
to a picture of the brain.
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Our readers are now dudes...
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00:05:07,023 --> 00:05:09,935
dudes who like beer and sex and...
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Hitting on women at bars
on a work night?
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Yeah, that sounds about right.
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Not that I'd know personally,
of course.
146
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I'm outside the demographic.
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(chuckling):
I'm irrelevant.
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I think it's great
that you're going out
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on a weeknight, Andrew.
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That's very unlike you.
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It's fun.
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Mike, it's not a big deal.
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Oh, hi, honey, what's not a big deal?
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Oh, I'm getting deported.
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What?
You are?
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Would you stop saying that?
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We have our green card
interview tomorrow
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to prove we're married
and Mike is freaking out.
159
00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:45,810
Well, how could I not be, Janet?
160
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We've got to go down to the
Department of Homeland Security.
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Those guys are tough.
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They're the best there is.
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Nothing gets past those guys.
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It's going to be fine, honey.
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We just show them
a few documents and bills.
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Once they get a look at us,
they're going to be like,
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"What? Those two are
so married, it's gross."
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Well, I hope you're right,
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I hope they are grossed out
by our love.
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Oh, I'm sure they will be.
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Relax, we've been married a year.
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It's just an interview.
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Actually, my friends Ulrich and Mary
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just went through this,
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and it's more of a test
than it is an interview.
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Ironically, Mary is from Sweden
and Ulrich is from New Jersey.
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It's a test?
Uh-oh.
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Uh-oh, what's uh-oh?
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Janet's never been
a strong test taker.
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It embarrassed me as a teacher,
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but I never loved her any less.
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I freaking hate tests.
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They make me nervous.
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My mind goes blank and
I can barely speak.
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You know, I'll tell you what.
186
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I-I am an expert at helping
people get ready for tests.
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How about I give you a practice quiz,
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and then that way
you'll feel prepared?
189
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That's a great idea, Diane.
Yeah?
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I'm gonna miss you the most.
191
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Blonde is cute, right?
192
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Yeah, she's pretty.
193
00:06:57,374 --> 00:06:58,333
Yeah, you like her?
194
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You want to be with her physically?
195
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Ask her out.
196
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What are you, her pimp?
197
00:07:02,671 --> 00:07:04,841
No, it's, it's tacky
hitting on women at a bar.
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00:07:05,007 --> 00:07:06,708
Besides, I don't think
I'm going to really meet
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00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,428
the future Mrs. Carlson here.
200
00:07:08,594 --> 00:07:11,179
You got to stop thinking
about meeting your wife.
201
00:07:11,246 --> 00:07:13,266
For all you know, she
isn't even born yet.
202
00:07:13,432 --> 00:07:16,144
That's disturbing.
203
00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:18,303
You just got out of a
long-term relationship.
204
00:07:18,387 --> 00:07:20,188
My goal is to get you to hook up
205
00:07:20,255 --> 00:07:22,067
with as many women
as humanly possible.
206
00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:23,725
Oh, I like that goal,
we have the same goal.
207
00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:24,694
How do we do that?
208
00:07:24,860 --> 00:07:26,696
You get rejected
by every woman in here.
209
00:07:26,862 --> 00:07:28,239
Feel like we just lost
our shared goal.
210
00:07:28,405 --> 00:07:30,492
You need to get over
your fear of rejection.
211
00:07:30,658 --> 00:07:32,285
What makes you think
I have a fear of rejection?
212
00:07:32,451 --> 00:07:34,953
I don't know, maybe 'cause
your ex-fiancée dumped you,
213
00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:37,538
ripped your heart out, and
left you doubting your manhood
214
00:07:37,606 --> 00:07:40,627
on a level so primal
you can't even see it.
215
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:42,911
Yeah, sure, fine.
216
00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,631
So how do I do that?
217
00:07:44,797 --> 00:07:46,831
You need to get shot
down like a skeet
218
00:07:46,916 --> 00:07:49,928
so many times that you
become totally fearless.
219
00:07:50,094 --> 00:07:51,679
And then the sex things
with all the women?
220
00:07:51,845 --> 00:07:53,054
Exactly.
221
00:07:53,121 --> 00:07:54,305
All right...
222
00:07:54,390 --> 00:07:56,267
I'm gonna start you
off with an easy no...
223
00:07:56,433 --> 00:07:58,186
the hot bartender.
224
00:08:00,846 --> 00:08:02,797
She's heard every line there is.
225
00:08:02,848 --> 00:08:05,360
She's the Mount Everest of babes...
226
00:08:05,526 --> 00:08:09,948
tall, cold, and almost
impossible to climb.
227
00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:13,576
Get out there and make
an ass out of yourself.
228
00:08:13,742 --> 00:08:16,327
Shouldn't be hard.
229
00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:18,498
Okay, Mike, next question.
230
00:08:18,664 --> 00:08:20,333
Where does your spouse
currently work?
231
00:08:20,499 --> 00:08:23,284
She works at the Chicago
Technology and Science Museum.
232
00:08:23,335 --> 00:08:24,619
In fact, we both do.
233
00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:27,465
She's in administration
and I'm the head tour guide.
234
00:08:27,631 --> 00:08:30,324
Janet, your turn, okay.
235
00:08:30,376 --> 00:08:32,804
What is your spouse's hometown?
236
00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:37,498
(trailing off):
Mike is from a small town...
237
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:39,769
Pardon?
238
00:08:39,935 --> 00:08:42,313
(trailing off):
It's kind of in the middle.
239
00:08:43,939 --> 00:08:44,856
That's just weird.
240
00:08:44,940 --> 00:08:46,734
It's like someone's fading you out.
241
00:08:46,900 --> 00:08:48,843
I know, I'm sorry, I told
you I'm bad at tests.
242
00:08:48,894 --> 00:08:50,278
I freeze up, it's the pressure.
243
00:08:50,345 --> 00:08:52,532
Plus, your town has
a really weird name.
244
00:08:52,698 --> 00:08:53,531
No, it doesn't.
245
00:08:53,615 --> 00:08:55,116
Otorohanga... that's not weird.
246
00:08:55,183 --> 00:08:57,235
Chicago... that's a weird name.
247
00:08:57,319 --> 00:08:59,120
Who's every heard of a Chicago?
248
00:08:59,187 --> 00:09:00,354
I'll have one of those, thanks.
249
00:09:00,406 --> 00:09:01,833
What is it?
250
00:09:03,292 --> 00:09:04,627
Okay, just give me another one.
251
00:09:04,793 --> 00:09:05,576
Here's an easy one.
252
00:09:05,661 --> 00:09:06,911
What... how about, wha-what,
253
00:09:06,996 --> 00:09:09,507
what is your spouse's
mother's maiden name?
254
00:09:09,673 --> 00:09:12,750
(trailing off):
Her name sounds like a bird and... yeah.
255
00:09:15,179 --> 00:09:17,038
Turn up the volume, honey.
256
00:09:17,089 --> 00:09:18,391
My mother's maiden name is...
257
00:09:18,557 --> 00:09:20,143
Just say the first thing
that comes to your mind.
258
00:09:20,309 --> 00:09:22,437
Otorohanga?
Oh, ridiculous.
259
00:09:25,714 --> 00:09:28,610
ANDREW: Sometimes a gentleman
must look fear square in its face,
260
00:09:28,776 --> 00:09:31,154
no matter how attractive
that face may be.
261
00:09:33,781 --> 00:09:35,867
And sometimes he must wait in line.
262
00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:39,093
(indistinct chatter)
263
00:09:39,161 --> 00:09:41,623
(gasps)
Oh.
264
00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:42,832
Drop something?
265
00:09:42,998 --> 00:09:44,584
Wow, thanks.
(laughs)
266
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:46,384
Sorry, I couldn't save the napkin.
267
00:09:46,468 --> 00:09:47,685
(laughs)
268
00:09:47,769 --> 00:09:49,214
Do I know you from somewhere?
269
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:51,883
Come on, you can come up
with a better line than that.
270
00:09:52,049 --> 00:09:53,774
Oh, no, I'm no...
I'm not hitting on you.
271
00:09:53,842 --> 00:09:56,846
I'm actually in line to get
rejected by the bartender.
272
00:09:57,012 --> 00:09:59,057
Wait, do you play
for the symphony orchestra?
273
00:09:59,223 --> 00:10:01,365
Uh, yeah.
274
00:10:01,450 --> 00:10:02,602
You go to the symphony?
275
00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:03,851
Do I go to the symphony?
276
00:10:03,919 --> 00:10:06,187
Hello, I'm a season ticket holder.
277
00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:08,650
Row K, seat five,
obstructed view... that's me.
278
00:10:08,816 --> 00:10:10,485
I recognize you.
279
00:10:10,651 --> 00:10:11,542
You do, really?
280
00:10:11,627 --> 00:10:14,239
No, I'm kind of busy up there.
281
00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:15,863
Ah, right.
282
00:10:15,914 --> 00:10:16,950
I'm Andrew, by the way.
283
00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:18,618
Oh, I'm, I'm Thea.
284
00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:19,834
May I buy you a drink?
285
00:10:19,885 --> 00:10:22,080
And, yes, that is the best
line I can come up with.
286
00:10:23,580 --> 00:10:25,124
Look, I could stand here
287
00:10:25,290 --> 00:10:27,308
and try and get your number
with some cheesy line,
288
00:10:27,375 --> 00:10:29,894
but the truth is, I'm a senator
289
00:10:29,978 --> 00:10:32,674
and I'm not going to
stoop to that level.
290
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,842
Well, maybe you don't have to.
291
00:10:35,008 --> 00:10:38,936
Oh, it's always nice to meet
one of my constituents.
292
00:10:39,021 --> 00:10:42,934
I look forward to poling you
in the near future.
293
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:44,978
She said yes.
294
00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:46,271
Who, the bartender?
295
00:10:46,437 --> 00:10:48,329
No, a different girl...
her name's Thea.
296
00:10:48,396 --> 00:10:51,234
I asked her if I could buy her
a drink, and she said yes.
297
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:52,900
I wasn't expecting a yes.
298
00:10:52,951 --> 00:10:55,071
It's possible she's an escort.
299
00:10:55,237 --> 00:10:56,787
She's not an escort.
300
00:10:56,872 --> 00:10:58,172
She's a cellist.
301
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,910
She invited me back to her
place to see her cello.
302
00:11:01,076 --> 00:11:02,495
Nice.
303
00:11:02,661 --> 00:11:04,497
No, it... it's an actual cello.
304
00:11:04,663 --> 00:11:06,833
Nice.
305
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:08,633
Bert, it is a musical instru...
306
00:11:08,717 --> 00:11:10,101
Never mind.
307
00:11:10,185 --> 00:11:12,380
Point is, your plan is working.
308
00:11:12,546 --> 00:11:15,341
No, no, my plan was
to get you a bunch of no's.
309
00:11:15,507 --> 00:11:17,108
Well, now I'm gonna
go back to her place,
310
00:11:17,192 --> 00:11:18,910
look at her cello and
maybe see her naked.
311
00:11:18,977 --> 00:11:20,346
This is much better than your plan.
312
00:11:20,512 --> 00:11:21,562
Look, I'm happy for you.
313
00:11:21,613 --> 00:11:23,224
I just want you to know
what you're getting into.
314
00:11:23,390 --> 00:11:25,032
I know exactly what I'm getting into.
315
00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:27,312
That's why I'm so excited.
316
00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:29,787
What I meant was,
this is just a bar pick-up.
317
00:11:29,871 --> 00:11:31,706
- Mm-hmm.
- Treat it like a bank heist.
318
00:11:31,773 --> 00:11:34,158
Get in, get out,
but don't get caught on tape.
319
00:11:34,243 --> 00:11:36,127
Right, right, right, right,
right, right, right, right...
320
00:11:36,211 --> 00:11:38,072
Calm down. You're shaking
like a Chihuahua.
321
00:11:38,238 --> 00:11:40,575
Look... I'm fine.
322
00:11:40,741 --> 00:11:42,300
Can I please go now
323
00:11:42,384 --> 00:11:44,829
and see this very
attractive woman's cello?
324
00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:47,206
Just remember...
don't get too attached.
325
00:11:47,372 --> 00:11:49,542
Please, give me a little credit.
326
00:11:51,752 --> 00:11:54,797
Guess who's having little baby
cellists some day?!
327
00:11:54,963 --> 00:11:57,815
Son of a bitch!
328
00:12:03,714 --> 00:12:04,640
ANDREW:
Bert,
329
00:12:04,806 --> 00:12:07,282
it was incredible.
I want to call her right now.
330
00:12:07,333 --> 00:12:09,103
Okay, okay, calm down, calm down.
331
00:12:09,269 --> 00:12:11,230
Walk me through the night.
I take it you slept with her?
332
00:12:11,396 --> 00:12:14,025
A gentleman does not
kiss and sex. We had sex.
333
00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:16,402
And I thought of you. Well,
334
00:12:16,568 --> 00:12:18,376
not in the moment,
but afterwards, I thought,
335
00:12:18,461 --> 00:12:21,329
"I need to buy Bert a really
nice thank you gift for this."
336
00:12:21,380 --> 00:12:23,534
It feels so good to be
back in a relationship.
337
00:12:23,700 --> 00:12:25,350
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on, hold on.
338
00:12:25,434 --> 00:12:26,685
This is a classic rookie mistake
339
00:12:26,769 --> 00:12:28,664
for someone who just had
their first one-night stand.
340
00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:30,541
Ah, how do you know it's
my first one-night stand?
341
00:12:30,707 --> 00:12:32,710
Because you look like
you're about to break into song.
342
00:12:32,876 --> 00:12:35,588
♪ And what if
I were? ♪ I'm sorry.
343
00:12:35,754 --> 00:12:37,345
I just had to get that
out of my system.
344
00:12:37,396 --> 00:12:39,092
This is why you hired
me, to talk you down.
345
00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:40,816
I don't need to be talked down.
346
00:12:40,883 --> 00:12:42,678
I have real feelings for this girl.
347
00:12:42,844 --> 00:12:45,237
Feelings that make me wish
I had a piano.
348
00:12:45,321 --> 00:12:46,822
Those aren't feelings.
349
00:12:46,873 --> 00:12:48,017
They're hormones.
350
00:12:48,183 --> 00:12:50,024
Bert, you don't know what we had.
351
00:12:50,076 --> 00:12:51,896
She may be the one.
352
00:12:52,062 --> 00:12:54,546
No, the one is not
a girl you sleep with
353
00:12:54,630 --> 00:12:56,498
an hour after meeting her in a bar.
354
00:12:56,549 --> 00:12:58,903
That's the one-of-many.
355
00:12:59,069 --> 00:13:01,336
You are this close
to not getting an invitation
356
00:13:01,387 --> 00:13:03,032
to the rehearsal dinner.
357
00:13:03,198 --> 00:13:04,372
Okay, it's not your fault.
358
00:13:04,423 --> 00:13:05,785
That's what happens
359
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:08,246
when you don't see a girl
naked in a year and a half.
360
00:13:08,412 --> 00:13:10,957
Wait 72 hours
before you contact her again.
361
00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:12,166
Why 72 hours?
362
00:13:12,332 --> 00:13:13,565
It's like the waiting period
363
00:13:13,649 --> 00:13:15,100
when you buy a gun.
364
00:13:15,184 --> 00:13:18,923
Your mind needs to do a
background check on your penis.
365
00:13:19,089 --> 00:13:22,718
And if I still feel this way,
I can call her?
366
00:13:22,884 --> 00:13:24,326
Absolutely.
367
00:13:24,393 --> 00:13:27,223
I'll throw you an engagement party.
368
00:13:27,389 --> 00:13:28,413
Fine.
369
00:13:28,497 --> 00:13:30,017
I can wait three days.
370
00:13:30,183 --> 00:13:31,900
It's gonna be tougher than you think.
371
00:13:31,951 --> 00:13:33,896
It's gonna be
like a withdrawal period.
372
00:13:34,062 --> 00:13:36,454
You have no idea how strong I am.
373
00:13:37,740 --> 00:13:39,068
So strong.
374
00:13:39,234 --> 00:13:42,238
I'm gonna go work in my room.
375
00:13:45,581 --> 00:13:47,432
Hey, uh,
376
00:13:47,516 --> 00:13:49,871
I just remembered
377
00:13:50,037 --> 00:13:52,304
I told Thea I'd text her
when I got home.
378
00:13:52,388 --> 00:13:55,334
I don't want her to worry,
so if I can get her card...
379
00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:56,441
Nope.
380
00:13:56,525 --> 00:13:57,859
Cool, cool.
381
00:13:57,927 --> 00:14:00,173
Just throwing it out there.
382
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:04,933
(Bert sighs)
383
00:14:04,984 --> 00:14:06,818
Hey...
384
00:14:06,903 --> 00:14:08,703
uh, I just remembered
385
00:14:08,771 --> 00:14:11,206
I thought I detected carbon monoxide
386
00:14:11,273 --> 00:14:13,074
last night in Thea's apartment.
387
00:14:13,125 --> 00:14:14,910
Sort of the silent killer.
388
00:14:14,961 --> 00:14:18,149
So I was just wondering
if I could get her number...
389
00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:19,714
- Nope.
- Cool.
390
00:14:19,782 --> 00:14:22,320
It's all good.
391
00:14:24,286 --> 00:14:25,787
(whispers):
Bert?
392
00:14:25,838 --> 00:14:27,088
Bert?
393
00:14:27,139 --> 00:14:29,391
Listen, uh, I just got an e-mail
394
00:14:29,458 --> 00:14:31,559
I'm supposed to forward
to ten people,
395
00:14:31,627 --> 00:14:33,728
and I'd really hate
to break the chain,
396
00:14:33,796 --> 00:14:35,680
because a girl in Ghana
didn't forward it,
397
00:14:35,765 --> 00:14:37,315
and she fell into a well.
398
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,901
So if I could just grab the card...
399
00:14:39,969 --> 00:14:41,302
Go to bed.
400
00:14:41,354 --> 00:14:43,508
Yeah. Totally cool.
401
00:14:45,674 --> 00:14:46,958
Good morning.
402
00:14:47,009 --> 00:14:48,346
Good morning.
403
00:14:48,512 --> 00:14:49,347
You sound better.
404
00:14:49,513 --> 00:14:51,012
Well, I feel better.
405
00:14:51,097 --> 00:14:53,848
It was a rough 24 hours,
but you were right.
406
00:14:53,933 --> 00:14:55,817
I needed to detox from that girl.
407
00:14:55,901 --> 00:14:57,402
I got a little crazy there.
408
00:14:57,469 --> 00:14:59,237
But it was just a one-night stand,
409
00:14:59,304 --> 00:15:00,483
and I see that now.
410
00:15:00,649 --> 00:15:01,901
Hey, I'm proud of you, dude.
411
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:03,525
Thanks. I'm proud of me, too.
412
00:15:03,609 --> 00:15:05,530
Hey, I'm glad you were here for me.
413
00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:07,114
- I'm gonna take out the trash.
- Wait, wait, wait.
414
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:09,742
Let me just toss out
this banana peel.
415
00:15:09,908 --> 00:15:11,410
Oh, okay, no, just give it to me.
416
00:15:11,576 --> 00:15:12,617
No, no, I'll just
throw it in the bag.
417
00:15:12,668 --> 00:15:13,829
I don't want to be a bother.
418
00:15:13,995 --> 00:15:16,320
No, no, no, no bother at all.
Just put it in my hand.
419
00:15:16,372 --> 00:15:18,456
I don't want to put it in your hand.
420
00:15:18,507 --> 00:15:20,836
Open the bag.
421
00:15:21,002 --> 00:15:23,506
No.
422
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:26,815
No.
423
00:15:26,882 --> 00:15:28,886
Ah!
Oh, my God!
424
00:15:29,052 --> 00:15:32,098
Who threw away my blazer and wine?
425
00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:34,475
You son of a bitch!
You're going to see her again!
426
00:15:34,641 --> 00:15:35,790
Yes, I am!
I'm a grown man,
427
00:15:35,858 --> 00:15:37,603
and you can't stop me
from leaving my own place.
428
00:15:37,769 --> 00:15:40,064
I will if I have to.
No, you won't because I...
429
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:43,276
Did you just slap me?
430
00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:45,778
I'm just keeping you
from making a bad decision.
431
00:15:45,944 --> 00:15:46,901
It's not a bad decision.
432
00:15:46,986 --> 00:15:48,486
You're stopping me
from seeing a woman
433
00:15:48,537 --> 00:15:49,824
I had a wonderful time with.
434
00:15:49,990 --> 00:15:51,826
I'm doing what's best for you.
435
00:15:51,992 --> 00:15:54,328
Are you? I think you're just
doing what's best for you.
436
00:15:54,494 --> 00:15:56,211
- What do you mean?
- Oh, if I get into a relationship,
437
00:15:56,295 --> 00:15:58,296
maybe I don't need my trainer
sleeping on my couch,
438
00:15:58,363 --> 00:15:59,959
telling me what to do all the time.
439
00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:01,916
Look, I'm saying this
not as your trainer,
440
00:16:02,001 --> 00:16:03,168
but as your friend.
441
00:16:03,219 --> 00:16:04,636
If you go in there, guns blazing,
442
00:16:04,703 --> 00:16:06,340
you're gonna get hurt.
443
00:16:06,506 --> 00:16:08,539
Why do you keep saying
that you're my friend?
444
00:16:08,591 --> 00:16:10,208
You were my bully from high school.
445
00:16:10,259 --> 00:16:12,763
We weren't friends then,
and we're not friends now.
446
00:16:12,929 --> 00:16:16,064
Oh.
447
00:16:16,148 --> 00:16:17,849
Okay.
448
00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:19,812
I guess I misjudged it.
449
00:16:20,819 --> 00:16:22,854
Bert, wait.
450
00:16:22,905 --> 00:16:24,072
What are you doing?
451
00:16:24,156 --> 00:16:25,240
I'm leaving.
452
00:16:25,324 --> 00:16:27,528
Come on, Bert, stop.
453
00:16:27,694 --> 00:16:29,572
Seriously, that's my stuff
you're packing.
454
00:16:30,947 --> 00:16:32,950
And-And that's my bag.
455
00:16:33,405 --> 00:16:35,578
Whatever. I'm out of here.
456
00:16:36,585 --> 00:16:39,081
Good luck with the cello children.
457
00:16:42,241 --> 00:16:44,192
Okay, you all right?
458
00:16:44,243 --> 00:16:46,527
Just remember: I grew up
on a farm in Otorohanga,
459
00:16:46,578 --> 00:16:49,113
my father is a sheep-shearer,
my mother a simple river lawyer.
460
00:16:49,198 --> 00:16:52,511
And my favorite sheep's
named is Olivia Newton-John.
461
00:16:52,677 --> 00:16:53,929
You got it?
I think so.
462
00:16:54,095 --> 00:16:55,181
I've got absolute faith in you.
463
00:16:55,347 --> 00:16:57,171
Thank you.
464
00:16:57,239 --> 00:16:59,602
The luggage sends a bit
of a mixed message, though.
465
00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:01,187
I'm Officer Simms.
466
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:02,229
How you folks doing?
467
00:17:02,395 --> 00:17:03,439
Oh, God.
Great.
468
00:17:03,605 --> 00:17:05,650
Raise your right hands.
469
00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:07,715
Do you both swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth
470
00:17:07,766 --> 00:17:09,278
and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?
471
00:17:09,444 --> 00:17:10,518
I do.
I do.
472
00:17:10,585 --> 00:17:11,489
To the best of my memory.
473
00:17:13,522 --> 00:17:15,606
So, ma'am,
474
00:17:15,691 --> 00:17:18,412
where did your husband go to college?
475
00:17:18,578 --> 00:17:20,778
The university system
476
00:17:20,863 --> 00:17:23,793
in New Zealand is really
quite different than...
477
00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:25,753
I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
478
00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:27,151
Oh, I heard that.
479
00:17:27,236 --> 00:17:29,704
Yeah, the Auckland
University of Technology.
480
00:17:29,771 --> 00:17:31,300
Well done, honey.
481
00:17:31,466 --> 00:17:33,969
She has to answer the question, yup.
482
00:17:34,135 --> 00:17:37,098
Could we take a moment, please?
483
00:17:37,264 --> 00:17:38,913
Not you and I.
That'd be weird.
484
00:17:38,981 --> 00:17:40,976
I mean, me and the wife.
485
00:17:41,142 --> 00:17:43,688
Okay, but make it quick.
486
00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:44,814
Thank you.
Yeah.
487
00:17:46,588 --> 00:17:48,067
What's going on, Janet?
488
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:49,735
I'm sorry. I'm really trying.
489
00:17:49,901 --> 00:17:50,892
Well, you better try harder.
490
00:17:50,959 --> 00:17:52,059
Otherwise, in 24 hours,
491
00:17:52,127 --> 00:17:53,823
I'll be home
shaving Olivia Newton-John.
492
00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:55,179
Don't be mad at me.
493
00:17:55,264 --> 00:17:56,701
You know I'm bad at tests.
494
00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:59,100
You should know these things...
like my mother's maiden name,
495
00:17:59,151 --> 00:18:00,601
or that I'm allergic to eggplant,
496
00:18:00,652 --> 00:18:02,832
or that we met
in the cafeteria at work.
497
00:18:02,998 --> 00:18:04,667
We didn't meet in
the cafeteria at work.
498
00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:07,336
What? Do you even know who I am?
499
00:18:07,502 --> 00:18:09,310
Yes, I do.
500
00:18:09,361 --> 00:18:11,215
We met at the atomic science exhibit.
501
00:18:11,580 --> 00:18:13,364
You had just started working
at the museum,
502
00:18:13,449 --> 00:18:14,765
and you were giving a tour.
503
00:18:14,833 --> 00:18:17,168
An ion has either a positive
or a negative electrical charge.
504
00:18:17,236 --> 00:18:18,389
Oh, excuse me.
Oh!
505
00:18:18,555 --> 00:18:19,537
That's all right.
506
00:18:19,621 --> 00:18:20,755
Well, look at that, folks.
507
00:18:20,822 --> 00:18:22,768
We were like
two ions colliding there.
508
00:18:22,934 --> 00:18:24,609
Definitely got a positive charge
off that one.
509
00:18:24,676 --> 00:18:27,022
(imitates zapping)
Whoa!
510
00:18:27,188 --> 00:18:28,296
I can't remember everything
511
00:18:28,347 --> 00:18:30,431
about your weird town
or your weird parents,
512
00:18:30,499 --> 00:18:33,112
but I'll never forget the day we met.
513
00:18:34,136 --> 00:18:37,032
That is so sweet.
514
00:18:37,198 --> 00:18:39,140
You're the best wife.
515
00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:42,693
You two are so married, it's gross.
516
00:18:50,754 --> 00:18:52,416
Hey.
517
00:18:52,484 --> 00:18:55,050
Andrew, what-what are you doing here?
518
00:18:55,216 --> 00:18:57,171
Picking up where we left off?
519
00:19:02,223 --> 00:19:03,851
Hey, Bert, got a second?
520
00:19:04,017 --> 00:19:05,644
We're not open yet.
521
00:19:05,810 --> 00:19:08,314
I-I just came by
to say you were right.
522
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,768
Things didn't work out
with me and Thea.
523
00:19:10,835 --> 00:19:12,887
Turns out I was just another conquest
524
00:19:12,971 --> 00:19:15,222
of a promiscuous world-class cellist,
525
00:19:15,307 --> 00:19:18,824
trolling for one-night stands
in a bar.
526
00:19:18,990 --> 00:19:20,117
I tried telling you that.
527
00:19:20,283 --> 00:19:22,196
I know. You were looking out for me.
528
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:25,414
And, uh, I'm lucky
to have a friend like you.
529
00:19:25,580 --> 00:19:27,301
No, you were right.
We're not friends.
530
00:19:27,369 --> 00:19:29,737
I could go back
to being your trainer,
531
00:19:29,821 --> 00:19:32,707
you could come in twice
a week, well, maybe three times.
532
00:19:34,025 --> 00:19:36,675
If that's how you feel,
I guess I can accept that.
533
00:19:36,841 --> 00:19:39,470
Why is there a sleeping
bag on the floor?
534
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:41,472
Are you living here?
535
00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:43,701
Yeah. I gave up my apartment
a while back
536
00:19:43,752 --> 00:19:46,137
so I could put all my money
into the gym.
537
00:19:46,204 --> 00:19:47,588
Because I believe in myself.
538
00:19:47,673 --> 00:19:49,340
Even if you and my dad
539
00:19:49,391 --> 00:19:51,982
and three credit card companies
don't.
540
00:19:52,148 --> 00:19:55,212
Well, I'm sure
you're cool living here,
541
00:19:55,263 --> 00:19:59,365
but if you ever feel
like downsizing...
542
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:02,284
you can stay with me for a while.
543
00:20:03,355 --> 00:20:05,996
You son of a bitch!
544
00:20:06,162 --> 00:20:07,206
What? What I'd do?
545
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:08,999
You're just so damn thoughtful.
546
00:20:09,165 --> 00:20:11,078
You were dead to me two seconds ago,
547
00:20:11,163 --> 00:20:13,796
and then you rise up like a phoenix!
548
00:20:13,962 --> 00:20:15,366
That's what I do.
549
00:20:15,417 --> 00:20:16,900
So what do you say?
550
00:20:16,952 --> 00:20:20,302
You want to come back
and put me on the Bert Plan?
551
00:20:20,468 --> 00:20:23,374
Okay, but it's just
a temporary situation.
552
00:20:23,425 --> 00:20:25,743
I'm only gonna stay there
as long it takes
553
00:20:25,794 --> 00:20:27,643
to remove your head from your ass.
554
00:20:33,250 --> 00:20:37,531
Yes, I'd like to cancel my subscription
to the symphony please.
555
00:20:40,155 --> 00:20:42,724
No, I did not know there was
a Schumann Summer Series.
556
00:20:42,791 --> 00:20:44,125
Who's conducting?
557
00:20:44,209 --> 00:20:46,711
All right, maybe I'll stick it
out one more season.
558
00:20:46,778 --> 00:20:48,713
Thank you.
559
00:20:48,780 --> 00:20:51,115
"The Gentleman
and the Two Night Stand."
560
00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:52,710
I like it.
Oh, thanks.
561
00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:54,469
Oh, check this out!
562
00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:56,130
I think I've finally
mastered these chairs.
563
00:20:56,296 --> 00:20:58,173
Oh, no, I didn't.
564
00:20:58,339 --> 00:21:00,626
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com