Alex, I got to level 35!
(lN GERMAN ACCENT) Zere is no Alex. Hi. I am Hans,
your favorite foreign exchange student.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, hello, Hans. It's been a while.
We've missed you at our high school.
Yes, how has the cheerleading been going?
Have you been telling ze football team
to play defense und be aggressive?
Be, be, be aggressive?
Well, uh, I was actually made the captain
of the cheerleading team after Sally had a baby
in the bathroom.
(SlGHS)
Uh, how were your travels?
Oh, zey were magnificent und comprehensive.
I have circled ze globe to try and find someone
as beautiful as you, und I have failed.
Oh! Well,
maybe we should go do it
on the gutachten flauder.
Oh, what the heck is a gutachten flauder? You're silly.
(GlGGLlNG) It's a German word for table.
Oh. Yeah, I know German.
Uh... (SHUSHlNG)
Yeah, oh!
Somebody needs more
tutoring, it seems like. Oh.
Come viss me over to ze gutachten flauder.
Okay. (YELPS)
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
WHlTNEY: Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.
You heard me.
Maybe I'll get a smoothie.
Or maybe I'll get a super smoothie.
I feel like my body probably needs all that crap.
Yeah, but what is that?
Acai berry? What is that?
Is that going to stick around,
because I feel like I got into goji berry,
What?
You just totally checked her out.
Who?
Spongeboob Sweatpants.
I... I didn't see who you're talking about.
Sorry, I don't know.
(SCOFFS) You ogled her.
And while I was sharing my feelings with you.
That's... That's pretty rude.
I didn't ogle anyone, Whit.
Alex...
(lMlTATlNG WHlTNEY) Whitney.
I was looking to see if he was refilling that half-and-half.
No, you weren't.
Just admit that you checked her out.
No, I don't even know who you're talking about. Honestly.
So, you're sticking with that story.
I'm sticking with the truth!
Okay, okay.
Hi, I'll have a vanilla latte, two pumps.
I'm going to be outside, finding us a table.
Bring sugars, please.
Why is he lying about it? I know what I saw.
He doesn't even use half-and-half.
He's like a girl with his 2%.
Well, it's better than my ex-husband's move
of checking out hot chicks and then having intercourse with them in my Saab.
It's so weird. Neal doesn't check out other women.
That is so weird.
And so not true. Okay.
Yeah.
Love the top, hate the jeans.
The jeans are mine.
What happened to the black miniskirt I gave you?
Oh, I took that back to the children's department,
where it belongs.
Roxanne, you're single again.
Okay? You need to recalibrate your thinking.
Like, your Facebook page
is just sad.
The only two pictures you have on there
are ofyour niece and Michelle Obama.
It's true. Guys look at your page,
and your last update was frowny-face, "l just paid $3 for gas."
I only go on Facebook to play Scrabble.
It takes my mind off
my mind.
Trust me, okay?
Facebook is, like, the most important part of dating.
You need new pictures that show how funny and smart you are.
So, put this on.
That shirt is like catnip,
and the cats are douche bags.
You know, I'm not even mad
that Alex checked out that girl.
I'm just annoyed that he lied to me about it.
If you wear something like this, he'll admit to anything.
My mom always says, "When in need,
"show your cleave."
Is that supposed to rhyme?
Why do you always focus on the wrong thing?
No, it's just because your mom is an actual poet.
Like, as a career. Okay.
So, you did check her out, right?
Of course! Yeah. She was hot.
And her cleavage was aggressive.
And she was wearing those sweatpants with the words on the butt.
What words? I don't know.
I'll never know.
She sounds awesome, man.
Wheels up.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
I'm trying out new catchphrases.
Stupid new guy down at the station said, "Let's do this thing."
And it really took off.
Yeah, that still doesn't really explain it.
Well, thank you for the heads-up.
Fights tend to bleed from one girlfriend to another,
so I'm ordering Lily something.
Just putting out the fire before it starts.
Wheels up, wheels up.
Flowers?
Nah. Edible arrangement.
Lily's got a thing for fruit that comes in cute shapes.
What is she, a gay grandpa?
(CHUCKLES)
I don't know. I thought about telling Whitney the truth.
You should. You did nothing wrong.
We're men. We have needs. We look at boobs.
Deal with it, ladies of America!
Boobs!
No!
Admitting that you looked at another woman is an open invitation
to exploring your girlfriend's insecurities.
"Was she prettier than me? Is she skinnier than me?
"Do you think I have man hands?"
Yeah, it's trickier with Whitney, too,
because she has three times the daddy issues
because she has three times the dads.
Whatever you do, deny.
Yeah, you're right.
Why is his opinion always more important than mine?
Uh, because he invests my money
and doesn't yell out "Boobs" in public.
Hey, Whit. Hi.
What are you eating?
It's Lily's edible bouquet.
I don't understand why people send these things. Aren't they kind of offensive?
It's like, "I'd send you chocolate,
"but you should probably lose a couple of pounds."
Yeah. Take that, adorable snack.
(SlGHS) Look,
about that girl earlier,
I don't want you to feel like you have to lie to me about these kind of things,
so ifyou just admit that you checked her out,
I'll just drop this whole thing.
Whit, it's been, like, five hours since I've seen you last.
Nothing new has annoyed you yet?
Nothing that knocked you out of first.
Are we really still talking about this?
Yeah, I just want you to be honest with me.
I thought he was putting 2% in the half-and-half.
Seriously. You think I am an idiot.
No, I don't think you're being an idiot. Yes, you do.
I just think you're taking this a little bit too far.
No. I just want you to be honest with me.
Look, please. I know I'm not a complete moron.
Just... I am not. It's really just...
(SHUSHlNG) It's...
Okay.
You just shushed me.
Great!
I'll shh.
You're about to be knee-deep in shh.
I can shh like nobody else.
Really? Mmm-hmm.
Because you know it means the exact opposite
of what you're doing right now.
(LAUGHS) Come on, Whit. Let's just order in some dinner, okay?
What do you feel like having? We can get whatever you want.
Whitney.
Whit.
(BLEATlNG) Whit.
Am I actually getting the silent treatment?
Is that what this is?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what's happening, huh?
All right. Well, I definitely know how this goes.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Uh, hey, Whitney. What do you want for dinner?
(MOCKlNGLY) I don't care, Alex.
I'm such an easy-going girlfriend.
Okay, Whit. What about Chinese food?
Well, can we all just agree that there is no such thing
as good Chinese food?
MSG? Seriously?
Like restaurants actually have to advertise
not putting poison in their food?
Oh, yeah, Whit. I forgot.
You have such strong opinions about Chinese food.
What about sushi?
(MOCKlNGLY) Well, just wait a god darn minute.
Why, so I can overdose on mercury and grow another neck?
All right, let's just skip the whole idea
and go into the bedroom and have sex.
(MOCKlNGLY) Oh, my gosh. That's such a good idea, Alex.
(LAUGHS) I love having sex with you.
But you make it last so long.
Just for once, can you focus on yourself?
Why aren't pictures of me in my apartment enough for my Facebook page?
Why do we have to photoshop me in Prague?
So you look worldly and cosmopolitan.
And we're not in Prague. We're in Rome.
My bad. LlLY: Yeah.
Neal says he's going to take me to Rome someday.
He says the lifestyle is so relaxed, you know?
People drink wine for breakfast,
and children smoke.
(SlGHS) Okay.
Roxanne, give me a look that says, you know, like,
"I'm fun. Date me."
Whatever.
That look says, "I'm out of heroin and I'm cold."
Hey, guys.
Hi. Hi.
Whitney?
Still nothing, huh? This is still, uh,
the thing we're doing, yeah?
(CAMERA CLlCKlNG)
All right.
Lily, this was outside foryou. Really?
"l thought you ladies might be thirsty from your photo shoot.
"Love, Neal. P.S. You all look beautiful."
Aw! Aw!
That is so sweet. I know!
Neal is the best.
He can't even see you.
You know, I would have taken the trash out if you told me it was full.
You just need to use your words, babe.
(CHUCKLlNG)
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
Tell me who it is and I'll let you in.
Safety is off.
What is that supposed to mean? Hello?
It means hello, goodbye, thank you.
It's, uh... It's my aloha.
Is Whitney out there? I locked her out of the apartment.
You could probably end this whole thing by telling her the truth.
But what do I know? I'm no Neal the Wonder Kid.
I didn't go to girlfriend college.
I'm not an lndian wizard.
Well, look, I'm not letting her in
until she starts talking to me again.
It's done. Game over.
Hello, Mark.
(CROWD CHEERlNG ON TV)
Hey, dude. Hey, dude.
Hey, Whit. How are you?
Mark, thank you so much for helping me, Mark.
You still not talking to me? Really?
You know, I kind of miss your voice.
Not really the volume of it,
but more the sentiment behind it.
Dude, are you okay?
I am awesome!
At first, I thought that this whole silent treatment thing
was kind of a bummer.
But now, I'm realizing it's kind of great.
I ate a Pop-Tart.
The wrapper, I just threw it on the floor.
And I was able to finish the whole first season of Dexter.
And guess what? I didn't have to explain anything to anybody.
That is beautiful.
Hey, did you know that baseball games have commentators?
You're a genius.
When life gives you lemons,
you tell the lemons to, "Shh!"
Whoops. Okay. It's all right.
(MOUTHlNG)
(DOOR CLOSES)
These photos are great.
I look good in Rome. I think it's all the walking.
Yeah, you look great. But it's just you in all these pictures.
It looks a little Eat, Pray, Lonely.
You need to look popular.
I am popular.
No. Being popular doesn't count anymore
unless you have the pictures to prove it.
I know.
We'll have drinks tonight. I'll invite some people. We'll post the photos.
I'm going to call Neal, see if he can bring some ethnicity.
White people aren't cool anymore.
Hi. Hi.
Sorry I'm late. I had to have Mark help me move some stuff
because I'm still giving Alex the silent treatment.
You should see him. He is such a mess.
(CHUCKLES) And I know I should feel bad about it,
and a small part of me does.
But it's just such a small part.
Nice. Tell me, how is he such a mess?
Oh, he's got Pop-Tart wrappers everywhere.
He's lounging around in his sweats,
staring at the TV all day.
I think he's going to come clean soon.
Or is he? Yeah.
Because isn't all that stuff the stuff that guys love?
He's miserable!
Okay? He's... He's lying around.
He was so bored that he read a book.
And he's watching TV all day, and...
Oh, my God, that little bitch.
Hey, Neal thinks he can get us two Koreans and an Egyptian.
(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)
(DOORKNOB CLlCKS)
Hey, Whit.
Hi, honey.
You're talking to me now?
Oh, yes, I am.
And I have more to say than ever.
You know, I was doing such a childish thing,
giving you the silent treatment,
waiting for you to admit to checking out that girl.
But, of course, you didn't,
or you would have admitted it. Right?
Right. Right!
In that case, I want to catch up on everything that's been happening.
First, I had this dream last night,
and we were in this apartment, and it wasn't our apartment,
but it looked exactly like our apartment.
And there were lamps everywhere.
And then, I read my horoscope,
and it said that I would be on a winding road
and that everything would be illuminated.
It also said that my power color is blue.
So, let's go to my closet and talk about my prettiest blue things.
(SlGHS)
Um, this is more of a royal blue and this is more of a cornflower.
Wait, is this room the right color?
I feel like we should talk about repainting.
I know. We should sit down
and we should go through magazines page by page
and talk about inspiration for redecorating
for, I don't know, like, four or five hours?
Thoughts?
I didn't check her out.
Oh, I know you didn't.
You know what's a really good color? Periwinkle.
That would be perfect in here.
I once had a periwinkle tank top,
but I left it at a guy's house named Chet
who I met at a Y2K party.
You know what? It was not a Y2K party.
It was Flag Day. I remember now...
His name was not Chet.
No, no, I am getting all of my ex-boyfriends confused.
I think I need to list all of my ex-boyfriends alphabetically,
because I keep getting them confused.
What comes first, Aron with one A or Aaron with two A's?
I didn't check her out!
Of course you didn't.
You know what's weird? The Aron with one A was in AA
because he was an alcoholic.
So weird. Anyway. Aron, Aaron, Bryan...
But I didn't call him that. I called him Peanut.
Um...
Hey, Roxanne. Go stand with those hot guys
and pretend like they said something funny.
(CLlCKS)
Good. Now, pretend like you like his fedora.
I can't do that.
And that's why I feel like I learned
everything I know about being a woman from Mr. Belvedere.
You know? I mean, I used to write about him in my journal
every day after school.
You know what? I have low blood sugar.
We should probably order some food.
Or maybe I'll just get some wine. I'll get it.
Because wine...
(SlGHS)
You guys, I think I need to tell Whitney the truth, all right?
If she doesn't stop talking, I'm going to suffocate myself.
With her dead body.
You sure you don't want to run that by the, uh, relationship president?
Please end this. I am running out of things to get Lily.
I mean, I bought her a star.
MARK: Oh, hey, my buddies are here. No.
They brought stupid new guy.
Yo! Mark! Let's do this thing.
How about let's not do this thing?
(LAUGHlNG)
Yeah!
Let's, uh... Let's not do this thing!
(LAUGHlNG)
Good one. Yeah!
(SlGHS) I can't do this anymore.
I just talked about capri pants for 45 minutes.
I feel like I'm hosting The View.
All right. Well, you only have one card left to play.
It's time to go nuclear.
Full-female assault.
(SOBBlNG) I just... I really don't feel like you think I'm pretty.
And... And I know I'm kind of emotional right now,
but I just got my period... Huh.
...and it's just kind of a weird one.
Ugh! You know?
And just, right here... Okay. Oh! God!
Okay! Whit, fine. I checked her out.
Ah! I knew you did!
Yeah. I did. All right? You happy?
Yeah! Okay?
Because I'm a man, and this is what men do.
It's not even my fault. All right?
When a man sees an attractive woman, he notices.
You really want to know? You want me to tell you every time it happens?
I just want you to be honest with me.
Okay, cool. Well, guess what?
There's four hot chicks in this bar right now.
Red dress over there by the bar,
her friend, yellow skirt,
pink stripe is getting food,
and Roxanne, who I clocked before I realized it was her.
Aw! Thank you.
They weren't nice thoughts at all.
Great!
Great.
I'm going to go get a beer.
Yellow skirt? Really? That's the...
See? You don't really want to know the truth. Of course I don't!
Because women are not animals.
Okay? We don't run around gawking at dudes like,
"Oh, hey, Roxanne. Check out the bulge on that guy. Ah!
"I'm going to tear that up. Ah!"
No, you just pretend like you don't like Ryan Gosling
because he's hot. You say it's because he...
He rescues dogs and he hates being famous.
That's what he told Jimmy Fallon.
And I'm sorry that I'm so shallow
for liking a man for his mind.
Oh, really? So, it's okay if I just
Iet all this go? (SCOFFS)
Because you haven't already?
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
I handled all this really stupidly
because I didn't want you to take it as a sign
that something was wrong with our relationship.
All right? I know your dad cheated on your mom
and your mom cheated on your stepdad...
No, my dad cheated on my mom
and my stepmom cheated on my dad.
Right. Right. Everybody kind of cheated on everybody.
I'm just saying.
The point is, is that we're not them.
Okay?
(WHlSPERS) Okay.
Come here.
I'm so glad they made up.
I feel like whenever they fight, it kind of affects us.
Neal.
What?
Just people-watching.
Want to go to Rome?
Yes.
That dude just checked you out.
Who? Blue shirt.
Oh. The fighter pilot?
How do you know he's a fighter pilot?
Oh, I just thought that when I saw him.
I also imagine that he has good credit, no cavities
and builds houses for poor people.
Oh, what? Are we done being honest?
Oh, what? Ah. Am I getting the silent treatment?
That's okay. I know how this goes.
(LAUGHlNG)
(MOCKlNGLY) Oh, look at me!
Oh, I'm Alex. Look at me and my beer.
I think I'm... (LAUGHlNG) You're a jerk.
That's a terrible impression.
I think I'm in a '90s grunge band.
(LAUGHlNG) Nah, nah!
Look at me! I'm Alex!
My eyebrow moves all over my face.
Blah, blah! Look at me!