Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 15 seconds at least, you're watching Fast and Loose!
On the show tonight, the Danes hate to see him go, Justin Edwards.
Is this a dagger I see before me? No, it's Laura Solon!
Over from America to discuss East/West trade initiatives,
Wayne Brady!
He's banned from seven European countries, Jonathan Mangum!
She's still drunk from New Year, Jess Ransom!
And he can't even spell his own name, Humphrey Ker.
And finally, would you please welcome your host - a man who sounds a lot like me...
Hugh Dennis!
Hello and welcome to Fast and Loose.
Tonight we'll be improvising scenes, sketches and TV spoofs
and picking our performers' brains on an array of topics.
Let's play Fast and Loose!
Right. Let's start with a game called Weak Links.
It involves Justin, Laura, Humphrey and Wayne.
So if you'd like to get into position, please.
This is our version of the BBC's worldwide quiz show phenomenon.
I will play the host, who of course is normally the one and only Anne Robinson.
The rest of you will act as contestants.
To spice things up, we'll give each of you a character to play.
Justin, you are an increasingly drunk bride's father.
Laura, you are a call centre worker.
Humphrey, you're Braveheart.
And Wayne, you are a miracle-working Evangelist.
So let's get on with the game.
First, let's meet our contestants. You are?
Yes, I'm Justin Edwards.
It's an absolute... It's an absolute pleasure.
What a wonderful day.
What a wonderful day we are having so far.
Thank you. And you?
Hello. My name is Laura. I'm a trained customer services adviser.
But let me make the point that "service" and "advice" are very different words to "help".
You, tall man.
My name is William Wallace.
And I don't like you!
I don't like you.
Fair call.
And you, sir?
I'm the Reverend Charles Botenson.
I came to hear you.
Right. Let's play Weak Links.
What girl's name is the same as stations in London and Manchester?
Doesn't my daughter... Doesn't she look good?
Doesn't my daughter look... She's fan... You would, wouldn't you?
I wouldn't.
What L is the main ingredient of the Indian dish dal?
I could answer that, but I have to ask you a security question first.
What word that means "to mutter" is the same name as a seaside resort in Wales?
Wales, another country under the jackboot of the English!
For too long have we, the Celtic fringe,
been held back by people asking us questions about things we don't know the answer to.
Well, no longer, say I!
So there!
With knobs on!
Big spiky knobs!
Sorry!
I still don't like you.
What is the last letter of the Greek alphabet?
I refuse to acknowledge the Greek alphabet.
Because the Greek alphabet never helped anybody get up in the morning.
The Greek alphabet never helped anybody enjoy the sunlight
and walk when they could not walk. Stand up!
Stand up. Now sit down.
You, sir. Which animals build dams and lodges?
I paid... for everything here.
The total tragedy is that my wife is here today.
The animal that builds lodges. Masons.
Beavers. Yes.
You, girl. Which Cluedo character has a military rank?
You may apply for that answer from our question answering department, Anne,
but you will have to fill in a form, send four different types of ID
including a blood sample and a caricature by a Parisian street artist.
You, the one I don't like.
What is the capital of Iraq?
Iraq. They've "Iraq'd" my arm off, you son of a bitch!
And why? Cos I stood up for my children.
And my children's children.
And that queen that I had sex with in the film,
even though she was nae born for 100 years!
Typical shoddy English workmanship!
If that had been built in Aberdeen, I could have pushed it over with impunity!
And you, praying man. What is...
I don't hear you. I hear Him. He can ask me a question.
I am more important than Him.
What is the name of the famous racehorse. I beg your pardon, I'll ask that again.
What was the name of... Oh, God, I can't understand the way this is written.
Read!
The name of which...
The name of which famous racehorse was the word murder spelt backwards?
It's not a British question at all.
Red Rum. Correct.
Right. That's the end of the round.
I have randomly decided to get rid of you.
Call centre girl, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.
Does anyone else think he looks like the dad in Outnumbered?
That's it from me. Good night.
Right.
Now, performers, it's time to find out a bit more about you for the people at home.
If you had to describe yourself in three words, what would those words be?
Humphrey?
Ooh. Three words.
OK.
Humphrey like ham.
Jonathan?
Not good at math.
Justin?
Earth, Wind and Fire.
Excellent. Thank you.
Let's move on to a game called Forward Rewind.
This is for Wayne, Jonathan, Jess and Humphrey.
Please come down to our performance area.
You four are going to improvise a scene,
but when I press my rewind or forward buttons,
you must repeat the action you've just done, but in the opposite direction.
The scene is that Wayne and Jonathan are Indiana Jones and his side-kick
breaking in to a booby-trapped tomb.
They'll be joined by Jess as Indie's love interest,
and Humphrey, you're a giant, angry zombie...
who turns up later.
I'll just test my buttons here.
I've got two. This is rewind.
Rewind.
And this is forward.
Forward.
I enjoyed it.
Off we go.
OK. Strap on the gear before we get in the jeep. OK, Indie.
Let's go!
Rewind.
Let's go.
OK, Indie. Forward.
Right. OK, Indie. OK what?
All right.
The tomb!
Rewind.
The tomb!
Forward.
Which direction are we in? Forward.
The tomb!
Oh, Indie, my head hurts!
You'll be OK. I hear them coming! They are?
Rewind.
They are?
I hear them coming! Yes. Oh, my head hurts. You'll be all right.
Forward. You'll be all right.
I hear them coming! You're right.
Indie! It's me!
Thank God you're OK! Reverse!
Rewind.
Indie, it's me!
Forward.
Thank God you're OK. Rewind.
Thank God... Forward.
Thank God you're OK.
Grrr!
Run! Run!
Run!
Rewind.
Thank God you're OK.
Forward.
Thank God you're OK.
Look!
No!
Grrrr!
We have to rescue him!
Rewind!
Rewind.
Forward.
Rewind all the way to the beginning.
No! No! No!
Thank God you're OK.
Indie, it's me!
You're right! Indie, my head hurts.
The tomb!
Let's go. Put on our gear before we leave.
OK, Indie.
Hey, Indie, you going to kiss a girl? Yes!
Yep. I knew I'd get lucky in London!
Let's have a break now for a fun fact.
Performers, could you please tell me a fun fact about me, Hugh Dennis.
Hugh Dennis never passes up the chance to demonstrate his tap-dancing skills.
I'm afraid you got that one from Wikipedia!
Wayne.
That when the dark time comes,
and all humanity is forced to flee to the stars,
we will all gather inside Hugh Dennis and take off from Mars.
I've certainly got a very powerful arse!
Stage One boosters.
Humphrey? Hugh Dennis was abandoned in Windsor Great Park as a child
and raised by swans.
Thank you very much.
Next, we play a game called interpretive dance.
Taking part are Jess and Laura. First off,
though, let's meet our special guest performer.
Please welcome David Armand.
Now, the way that this game works is that we play in a popular song.
We ask our specialist interpretive dancer to illustrate the lyrics through the medium of dance.
Jess and Laura will wear headphones. Please put them on.
They'll be unable to hear the music.
They have to guess the song and the artist purely from the mime.
So - can you hear me?
Off we go!
♪ I feel it in my fingers
♪ I feel it in my toes
♪ The love that's all around me
♪ And so the feeling grows
♪ It's written on the wind
♪ It's everywhere I go
♪ Oh, yes it is
♪ So if you really love me
♪ Come on and let it show
♪ You know I love you
♪ I always will
♪ My mind's made up by the way that I feel
♪ There's no beginning
♪ There'll be no end
♪ Upon my love
♪ You can depend
♪ I see your face before me
♪ As I lay on my bed
♪ I kinda get to thinking
♪ Of all the things you said
♪ Oh, yes I do
♪ You gave your promise to me
♪ And I gave mine to you
♪ I need someone beside me
♪ In everything I do
♪ Oh, yes I do... ♪
What was going on there?
Is there a song with the lyrics
"I've got hands and feet and a penis
"And at some point I get off with you"?
It's a Beatles song, yes.
I think I might know it. Come on!
Is it "Love Is All Around"? Come on!
Thank you very much, David Armand!
Now it's that part of the show called What Tattoo?,
where I ask the performers to reveal where they would get a tattoo and what it would say.
Anyone?
I would get a tattoo on my left thigh
that says, "Welcome to London Zoo."
And a tattoo on my right side with a sign pointing saying "Welcome to the snake exhibit."
I see where you're coming from!
Oh, dear!
I take it back.
I wish you would!
Excellent. Thank you very much indeed.
Next we play a game called Double Speak.
I'll play the presenter of what appears to be a normal TV show,
interviewing members of the public played by our performers. So come on down, please.
Put on your costumes.
But there's a twist. Our six interviewees will be in three pairs.
Each pair will have to speak as one person. Sounds mad.
Let's hope it is. The show we're presenting is an extreme makeover show.
So, Laura and Jess,
you are a woman who's just had plastic surgery.
Wayne and Jonathan, you are the bitchy plastic surgeon.
Justin and Humphrey, you are the husband of the woman having plastic surgery. I'm the interviewer.
So, how did the surgery go?
The surgery went really well.
I have always felt
I wanted two heads
because they are better than one.
So, Doctor, I don't imagine this is a normal procedure, is it?
Have you done this before?
I... have.
Three times in Sweden.
But you haven't always been plastic surgeons, have you?
I believe you used to be heart doctors. What are they called?
What?
Excellent. Now,
your wife has just had an extra head fitted.
Yes.
That's correct. Why did you think that would be a good idea?
I thought
it would improve
our love-making.
True.
Two heads are better than one
and three is French.
Yes.
We...
What?!
Yeah, I can see...
I can see your motivation behind it.
I'm intrigued by the name of this particular procedure. What's it called?
Two heads.
It is known as
duo craniosis.
Excellent.
Is there any other operation you're hoping to have cosmetically?
Well,
I'd really like
to ha... to get
rid of my extra legs.
Could you sort that out for them? Is that something you could do?
Yes.
We could remove the legs
from the part
where the legs connect.
Would you as the...
I know you're thinking greatly of love-making.
I imagine an extra pair of legs is really quite useful.
So how do you feel about them being removed?
I hunger
for more legs!
Thank you very much.
Well, I don't know about you, but I think it may be party time.
I'm going to play in some sick tunes
and our performers can get down.
And when the music stops, I'll ask them to say the most pretentious line they can think of.
So.
Music, please.
For me, Parmesan isn't a hard cheese.
It's a way of life.
My package is so big, you never have to ship it overnight
because it's already there.
Bono. Singer. Saint.
But is he also art?
I'm so pretentious, Kanye West called me and said, "Wayne, stop being so pretentious!"
Rien. Desole.
Sorry, did I say that in French?
Yes, in my spare time, I just like to translate Will Self's works into Sanskrit.
Thank you!
Right now, we move on to a game called Sideways Scene.
This is for Justin, Wayne and Jonathan
and takes place in a special area behind the set.
So, Justin, Wayne and Jonathan, if you can make your way off there and get ready.
You three are going to improvise a scene in different genres suggested by me.
But the difference is you're going to do it lying down on our magic mat.
We'll relay the pictures to the audience on the screen.
Now, the scenario...
is really...
genuinely quite unpleasant.
The scenario is that Justin and Jonathan are two inept handymen
rewiring a house.
Wayne is the bad-tempered home-owner
who comes to fire them.
So, off you go.
Hello, Bill. All right, Dave? How you doing?
Nice to see you. And you.
The light we want to replace is right up there.
The ladder's in the truck. Can you give me a hand? Sure.
Any joy? Got it? I've got it. Let me down.
Tell you what. I wanted to have a quick go. I'll go to the meter.
Sure. It'll be easier if I go.
Take your time!
Aghh! Ah!
It's just over here by the door.
Right. I think I can see what the problem is.
Watch out. I think this fuse is a hot one.
I've ruined this job. Why don't you have a look at it? Right.
Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Damaging my house! Run!
Hey. I paid you to do a job.
Did I pay you to break stuff, huh?
OK. Change genre. Change genre, please.
Freeze. I want you now to go Western.
Cos my house ain't big enough for the three of us.
Let's draw on three. One, two, three.
OK. Freeze.
And now change over, please, to Toy Story.
I feel bad. I think we should let him back in.
Yeah, he's our friend, after all.
Hey, Buzz. Buzz.
Come back in.
To infinity and beyond!
I'm out of gas!
I'll use my springs to get over there.
Bo-i-i-ng!
Woof! Woof!
Freeze again, please.
Change genre to gymnastic display.
Help me up! Help me up!
Thank you very much indeed!
Come on back.
That's all we have time for tonight. Thanks to Justin Edwards...
Laura Solon...
Wayne Brady...
Jonathan Mangum...
Jess Ransom...
Humphrey Ker.
Good night from me, Hugh Dennis. See you next time we play Fast and Loose.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, MemoryOnSmells