1 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,492 Dad? 2 00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:14,871 Who would burn down a sperm bank? 3 00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:17,912 Hey, honey, how are you? Look what I found at the farm. 4 00:01:17,995 --> 00:01:20,123 Look at that. It's a free-range chicken. 5 00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:22,417 What? You know I can't eat a free-range chicken. 6 00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:25,093 I am allergic to chicken, and besides, I'm a vegetarian. 7 00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:27,800 Honey, I think you should just put it down. 8 00:01:27,879 --> 00:01:30,223 - Ray, Ray. - It's not true, Leah. 9 00:01:31,550 --> 00:01:32,642 Ray! 10 00:01:33,844 --> 00:01:34,936 Oh. 11 00:01:35,012 --> 00:01:36,514 Yeah, hi. 12 00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:39,979 Go and sit with your perverted Uncle Jonathan for a while. 13 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,904 God, he smells good, Ray. 14 00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:46,778 I love to inhale him. 15 00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:49,736 It's better than bacon or sunblock. It's like baby cocaine. 16 00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:53,701 That is good stuff. 17 00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:56,993 It's Darwinian, actually. They smell so good so we'll like them. 18 00:01:57,743 --> 00:01:59,336 Stop talking, gay dads. 19 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:02,502 - Sorry. - Oh, God, I would use a 10-minute nap. 20 00:02:02,706 --> 00:02:06,381 I love being a father once a week, but it is so draining. 21 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:09,930 You know, the vigilance, having to think of somebody else. 22 00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:16,937 I'd hate to be a fireman when that sperm bank went up. 23 00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:19,148 Think about all those little semen screams. 24 00:02:19,222 --> 00:02:22,226 "Save me!" 25 00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:24,152 Thank God you got out of there before the tragedy. 26 00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:27,527 Yeah, but the problem is, the records were destroyed with the sperm. 27 00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:30,158 I don't know how I'm gonna find my dad now. 28 00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:33,157 Well, look, maybe you don't. You've got your dad in New Jersey, 29 00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:35,534 you've got George in Manhattan you've got me in Brooklyn. 30 00:02:35,614 --> 00:02:37,662 How many father figures in a 90-mile radius do you need? 31 00:02:37,741 --> 00:02:40,915 Well, I have to find him, Ray. I feel like half a person. 32 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:43,167 I have this image of a test tube. 33 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:45,044 I need to replace it with the image of a man. 34 00:02:45,457 --> 00:02:46,834 Yeah, I know. 35 00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:49,716 I'd hate for Spencer to think of me as a urine cup filled with jizz. 36 00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:51,680 Wow, can you really fill a whole urine cup? 37 00:02:51,797 --> 00:02:53,265 Yeah. I eat sunflower seeds. 38 00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:56,267 Walk me to the subway. I've gotta go see George. 39 00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:58,604 He wants to prepare me for Dick Cavett. 40 00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:01,523 Well, I'd say, be yourself on Dick Cavett, that's what I would do. 41 00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:02,815 I mean, I'd be me' not you. 44 00:03:07,646 --> 00:03:09,319 My publisher isn't very happy with me. 45 00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:11,492 Well, I still say, just be yourself, okay? 46 00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:14,786 And cross your legs like a man and don't wave your arms around like a little girl. 47 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:16,283 And don't snack on your thumb. 48 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:20,785 And the Ferris wheel, no, 49 00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:24,371 carousel was going round and round, like a mad dream 50 00:03:24,454 --> 00:03:28,880 and we were ducking bullets. I mean, it was frightening, but exhilarating. 51 00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:33,840 Well, it's great hearing all these stories about you and Jonathan, 52 00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:37,555 but there's something Bernard and I want to show you. 53 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:38,806 Mmm. 54 00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:45,272 Isn't it beautiful, Dad? It came from the Earth's mantle. 55 00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:51,323 And Emily gave me a hemp dog collar as my ceremonial engagement ring. 56 00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:54,780 But I didn't give my permission yet. 57 00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:55,907 We couldn't wait, George. 58 00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:58,739 Yeah, Lisa, our medium, said we had to act right away. 59 00:03:58,822 --> 00:04:00,369 You went to your medium before me? 60 00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:03,874 She's telepathic, but she doesn't mind picking up the phone. 61 00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:06,831 I'm sorry. I was going to give my permission today. 62 00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:10,634 Just so you know. Congratulations. 63 00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:13,128 My new dad! 64 00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:15,680 God, come here. We should go camping! 65 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,512 - We could share a tent! - Yeah. 66 00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:22,726 Spencer, let's go take a little break, 67 00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:25,774 play right over here, then we'll go home and do some finger-painting. 68 00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:28,227 Right' buddy? You and your hat. 69 00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:35,158 Hi, ladies. Mind if we join you? 70 00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:39,163 I'm Ray Hueston, and this is my good-looking son, Spencer. 71 00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:40,454 - Hi. - Hi. 72 00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:41,782 Oh, I'm Susan. 73 00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:44,618 - Hi. - Hi, I'm Stephanie. 74 00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:45,873 Hi. 75 00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:49,210 Sure is a lot of suckling going on. 76 00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:53,385 Usually when I walk by, there's one or two women going at it, 77 00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:55,553 but eight seems like a lot all at once. 78 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:58,382 Well, we're a support group for breastfeeding. 79 00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:00,092 - Can I join'? 80 00:05:01,218 --> 00:05:03,061 - It's kind of a mothers' thing. - Oh. 81 00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:05,521 Bunch of snobs, are you? 82 00:05:05,597 --> 00:05:08,066 Yeah, I think in the future, you'll be asking us men to join. 83 00:05:09,226 --> 00:05:11,320 Maybe we'll start our own breastfeeding group. 84 00:05:11,394 --> 00:05:12,486 Really? 85 00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:15,611 Definitely. You know, the male nipple is dormant, 86 00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:18,910 but I think in about 750 years we'll be able to nurse. 87 00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:21,825 - I speak from experience. - Oh, wow. 88 00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:23,239 Yeah. 89 00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:35,837 You hungry? I think all of this is making him hungry. 90 00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:38,013 I'll just give him this, 91 00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:40,056 unless one of you will let Spencer have a tug. 92 00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:43,973 I'm tapped, so... 93 00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:47,606 How about you? Anything left? 94 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:48,933 No, I'm sorry. 95 00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:53,066 Both sides? 96 00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:55,484 I read a thing that a woman columnist wrote about you one time, 97 00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:57,362 and she said, "Mitchum was born the kind of man 98 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,193 "that does not have to seek women because they come to him." 99 00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,284 Were that true. 100 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,911 'Cause that's not true? 101 00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:08,460 Well, they come lo me with their troubles, you know? 102 00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:12,373 See, now that's the way to handle yourself on Cavett. 103 00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:14,674 Be cool, manly, world-weary. 104 00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:18,216 You know, show a capacity for sin. Play the rascal. 105 00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:22,596 Mmm. And should I cross my legs like this or like this? 106 00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:25,769 Crotch open or crotch closed? Ray says crotch open. 107 00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:27,562 Yeah, I differ from Ray on this point. 108 00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:31,437 I think that the closed crotch is more sophisticated. It keeps them guessing. 109 00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:33,393 Okay, that does seem more natural. 110 00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:35,899 I really want you to hit it out of the park tonight. 111 00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:38,152 With all the bookstores closing, 112 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,950 this could be your last shot at literary success. 113 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,904 - Oh, God. - So can we switch to me now? 114 00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:46,661 Sure, but can we study Mitchum a little bit more? 115 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,243 In a second. I have a pressing headline. 116 00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:54,670 Emily and that crazy Bernard went ahead and got engaged without my blessing. 117 00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:57,092 - Would you have given it? - No! No. 118 00:06:57,167 --> 00:07:01,388 I mean, she's gonna be hurt. He's too old and eccentric. 119 00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:03,511 They do dog role-play. 120 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:04,591 Hmm. 121 00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:06,802 Luckily, he's the dog, but still... 122 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,474 Well, have you tried talking lo her'? 123 00:07:08,553 --> 00:07:10,681 Somehow gently expressing your reservations? 124 00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:13,225 No, no, I always screw up with her. 125 00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:15,902 I mean, I try to improve, but it's... 126 00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:19,527 It seems easier just to make the same mistake over and over again like an idiot. 127 00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:20,982 I understand. 128 00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:24,161 You know, I'm a better father to you than I am to her? 129 00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:26,158 I mean, what's that about? 130 00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:30,617 I don't know. I think what makes you a good father to me 131 00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:33,579 is that you take an interest in me, that we talk. 132 00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:37,542 Yeah, but it's easier with you. You know, I don't care if you fail at life. 133 00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:39,752 It's not a reflection on me. 134 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,637 I take back what I just said about you being a good father. 135 00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:46,721 But I still think you should talk to her. 136 00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:51,396 Okay, little guy, you're all set there. 137 00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:53,481 Excuse me. 138 00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:56,318 Oh, right, gosh. Of course. 139 00:07:58,603 --> 00:08:00,446 Thank you very much. 140 00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:04,822 Same time next week? 141 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,495 Do you guys do like an email blast as far as when you meet here? 142 00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:08,947 - We don't. - No? All right. 143 00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:10,748 - All right. Have a good one. - You, too. 144 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:14,419 Bye. All right, Spencer. Let's go, buddy. Are you ready? 145 00:08:15,245 --> 00:08:16,667 Okay. 146 00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:21,009 - Bye, ladies. - Bye-bye. 147 00:08:26,548 --> 00:08:31,179 I'm really nervous. My tongue feels swollen. Is that a stroke symptom? 148 00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:35,391 Stop it! Only positive thinking. You need to do well tonight. 149 00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:37,767 I want a clip of this to end up on YouTube. 150 00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:39,690 But could you just look at my tongue, 151 00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:42,488 because it's not fitting in my mouth. 152 00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:46,489 No. In 25 years, I have never looked at an author's tongue. 153 00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:47,785 30"'! 154 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,329 Well, that's not true. 155 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:54,035 Why do all my lovers die? It's like I'm a black widow. 156 00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:56,124 All your lovers die? 157 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:58,671 No, not all. But a lot. 158 00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,841 Hi, Jonathan' I can take you back to the green room now. 159 00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:05,179 Okay, sweetie, good luck. I'll be rooting for you. 160 00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:09,008 Remember' positive thinking. Don't fail. 161 00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:16,223 So just be relaxed. Dick likes ii to be a conversation. 162 00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:17,307 Right, right. 163 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:20,234 And tonight's theme is young writers, so you'll just talk about your book. 164 00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:23,314 One thing, maintain eye contact with Dick at all times. 165 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:25,319 - Don't look at the camera. - Right, no camera. 166 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,617 Make eye contact with his dick. 167 00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:29,490 Sorry, just... 168 00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,037 And here is the green room. 169 00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:34,537 Yes, this is the green room. 170 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,831 - Oh, God. - Jonathan, this is Louis Green. 171 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,379 He'll be following you on the show And, Louis, this is Jonathan Ames. 172 00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:42,796 Hello, Jonathan. Your most recent publication was unwarranted and ill-deserved, 173 00:09:42,874 --> 00:09:44,171 did you know that? 174 00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:48,927 Okay. I'll be back in a few minutes to take you to makeup. 175 00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:50,848 Oh, sure, take your time. 176 00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:58,185 So I read your book, if you can call it that. 177 00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:00,600 I can't believe you plagiarized 178 00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:02,856 my award-winning story for The New Yorker Magazine. 179 00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:05,696 What are you talking about? We both wrote about the coke dealers. 180 00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:07,991 Two different takes, like Rashômon. 181 00:10:08,066 --> 00:10:10,535 That's not the Rashômon I remember. 182 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:14,285 Well, I suppose you could argue that your work is derivative of mine, 183 00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,708 but that would be like saying a monkey with a paintbrush 184 00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:18,160 is a distant relation of Van Gogh. 185 00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:20,457 Can you just attack me in your mind and not out loud? 186 00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,585 I'd like to concentrate. I need to prepare. 187 00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:26,050 Oh, you need to prepare? I don't. 188 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:29,008 No, you see, I was reared on The Dick Cavett Show. 189 00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:30,555 My father and I would watch every night. 190 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:35,101 He made me transcribe each episode, so we could reenact it the next day. 191 00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:37,474 I used to love to be Gore Vidal. 192 00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:39,022 Oh, but then you probably don't know who that is. 193 00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:41,691 What exactly are you doing here' Louis? You don't have a book out. 194 00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:45,646 No, I don't' but my agent says my appearance on the show 195 00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:48,732 is going to create a bidding war for my novel, The Black Clock of Time. 196 00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,533 What? The Black Cock of Time? 197 00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:54,613 Oh, you fiendish baboon. The Black Clock of Time. 198 00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:58,241 It's a nuclear holocaust novel, set in the past. 199 00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,914 - Sorry, tricky title. - It's not a tricky... 200 00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:04,373 Jonathan, I'll take you to makeup first. 201 00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:05,798 Thank you. 202 00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:25,102 Okay, keep sleeping. Daddy needs a drink. 203 00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:30,857 That guy with the beard was really odd, right? 204 00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,652 He was strange, but it must have been a mistake. 205 00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:35,487 He'll come back. You know, he left his own son here. 206 00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:37,868 How do we know that's his son? 207 00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:42,453 I mean, people passing by him now probably think my daughter is his daughter. 208 00:11:42,577 --> 00:11:44,955 Yeah, he was a little off. 209 00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:48,842 - He wanted us to breastfeed the little boy. - Okay, 210 00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:52,046 I just googled Ray Hueston and it led me to this. 211 00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:57,850 Oh. 212 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:03,772 Oh, God. 213 00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:06,276 Oh, my God. 214 00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:10,693 He's a monster. 215 00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:15,535 Sorry it took me so long to get over here. I was on the phone with Mom, 216 00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:19,907 and I walked east instead of west and then north instead of south. 217 00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:21,866 She says, "Hello." 218 00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:22,951 How is your mom? 219 00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:24,786 - She's good, crazy, manic. 220 00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:27,042 Did you know that she turned her house in Costa Rica 221 00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:29,169 into an eco-friendly bed and breakfast? 222 00:12:29,332 --> 00:12:31,585 No, I hadn't heard about that. 223 00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:37,724 You know, actually, my restaurant has a very minimal eco-footprint. 224 00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:42,016 I only get produce from farms within 100 miles of New York City. 225 00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:45,102 Why do you always have to compete with Mom? 226 00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:47,104 Why do you have to trump everything she does? 227 00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:49,319 I'm not... 228 00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:52,690 I'm sorry everything I say seems to annoy you. 229 00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:54,983 So am I. 230 00:12:57,235 --> 00:12:59,863 Okay, so what did you want to talk to me about? 231 00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:04,201 Well, I'm sure it's going to piss you off again, 232 00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:07,833 but I'm just concerned that I was such a... 233 00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:10,631 Such a failure as a father, 234 00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:15,383 that Bernard is some kind of weird Freudian substitute. 235 00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:18,215 Oh, wow, you're really good. That does piss me off. 236 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:19,891 Wait, you know I reject Freud. 237 00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,934 Sweetheart, Freud's very important. 238 00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:25,059 I can't believe you're making my engagement about you. 239 00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,561 - He's your substitute? - Yes! 240 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:31,770 He's practically the same age as me. He's gonna be dead in 20 years. 241 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:35,030 Thirty. Thirty years, maybe. 242 00:13:35,106 --> 00:13:38,326 Bull don't care that he's old. I'm like Woody Allen. 243 00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:39,744 My heart wants him. 244 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:44,450 No, no, don't use Woody Allen. That's worse than the Twinkie Defense. 245 00:13:44,532 --> 00:13:46,830 No, it's not. 246 00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:49,082 Dad, this is the first time in my life, 247 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:53,417 and probably my past lives, that I haven't felt lonely. 248 00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:55,839 Oh, sweetheart. 249 00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:56,965 Dad, I love him. 250 00:13:57,045 --> 00:14:00,390 I wish you could respect that, or at least pretend to. 251 00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:04,595 No, no, I do respect that. I always manage to say the wrong thing. 252 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,271 It's like I have a limp, emotionally. 253 00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:09,273 - Come here, I'm sorry. - Okay. 254 00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,771 - I love you. - I love you. 255 00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:12,272 I love you more than that. 256 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:13,774 See! Look! Competitive! 257 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:14,854 Well... 258 00:14:16,314 --> 00:14:18,282 Be sure and pick up Danny Woodside's new book. 259 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:22,613 It's called Splitsies: A Child's Perspective on Divorce. 260 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:24,618 - Thank you, Dick. - Good to see you. 261 00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:36,384 Now, our next young writer has just come out with a new book of mystery stories, 262 00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:39,338 and it is called The Blonde in the Woods. 263 00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:42,390 So please welcome Jonathan... Uh, Ames. 264 00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:44,433 Jonathan Ames. 265 00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:48,180 Jonathan. 266 00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:54,356 - Are you okay? - Yeah. 267 00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:56,403 'Cause we don't require dramatic entrances. 268 00:14:56,479 --> 00:14:58,652 - Good one, Dick. - Sorry, the glasses, I couldn't see. 269 00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:03,077 By the way, it's not terribly wise to wear sunglasses on television. 270 00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:05,154 - You think maybe you could do without them? - Oh. 271 00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:07,657 - Yes, sorry. - Yeah. All right. 272 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:11,540 Now, as for your latest escapade... 273 00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:16,333 Jonathan, we don't have smoking on television. 274 00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:18,919 - Right. - You see, we're in New York City 275 00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,924 and you can't even smoke in your own apartment now. 276 00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:24,762 Sorry, I was trying to channel Robert Mitchum. 277 00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:27,435 Oh, this is too delicious. He's like a mental pygmy. 278 00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:29,183 I love it, I love it, I love it. 279 00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:55,380 Well, Jonathan, you not only write mysteries, you solve them. 280 00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:59,675 Are you working on a case right now'? My wife hasn't hired you, has she? 281 00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:04,760 I'm actually my own client at the moment. I'm searching for my biological father. 282 00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:07,141 Wow, that's quite a case. 283 00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:11,184 Damn, we have to stop right now for some commercials. 284 00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:16,393 We'd love it if you could stay and maybe talk some more about all this after the break. 285 00:16:16,684 --> 00:16:18,061 - Sure, really? - Okay. 286 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:22,570 We'll be back then, after this break, with Jonathan Ames. Don't go away. 287 00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:25,443 Okay. 288 00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:27,073 - Is everything going okay, Dick? - Yeah, good. 289 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,905 Look, listen, let's cancel the next guest. 290 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,992 This father stuff is good. We're in Oprah territory. 291 00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:33,917 All right, you got it. 292 00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:40,257 What do I think about the state of American culture? 293 00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:44,509 Well, Dick, I think we could make penicillin out of American culture. 294 00:16:44,587 --> 00:16:46,885 I mean, look at Jonathan Ames. 295 00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:49,092 Thank you. I'm glad the audience found that amusing. 296 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:51,097 - Perfect. 297 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:55,641 - Um, Mr. Green? - Oh, hi, Liz. Oh, is this it? 298 00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:57,396 Am I going on? How do I look? 299 00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:59,773 You know what? Actually, we're gonna have to bump you from the show. 300 00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:03,277 These things happen. Mr. Cavett wants to extend the segment with Mr. Ames. 301 00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:05,946 With Jonathan? 302 00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:10,739 You don't understand, I have been preparing my whole life 303 00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:13,540 to intellectually engage with Dick Cavett, not Jonathan Ames. 304 00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:15,201 There's nothing I can do. 305 00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:19,585 No, please listen. My father is watching, okay? 306 00:17:19,664 --> 00:17:21,462 This is everything to us. 307 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,339 I mean, they even took Daddy off his Thorazine 308 00:17:23,417 --> 00:17:25,419 just for tonight so he could watch, so... 309 00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:27,797 I'm so sorry, Mr. Green. 310 00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:31,434 Just put me on for a couple of seconds. Just a few seconds. 311 00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:32,968 Okay, I'll level with you. 312 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:36,272 I have crippling debt and my agent says that my novel, 313 00:17:36,347 --> 00:17:39,977 The Black Clock of Time, will not sell unless I am on the show. 314 00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:42,487 The Big Black Cock of Time? 315 00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:45,739 No, you subnormal illiterate. 316 00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:48,864 The Black Clock of Time. 317 00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:51,867 It isn't hard. I didn't say "big." Why would you say that'? 318 00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:54,286 - What's wrong with you? - You're bumped, Mr. Green! 319 00:17:56,117 --> 00:17:57,664 No, please, Liz. 320 00:18:03,374 --> 00:18:06,878 He's some kind of sick cartoonist. 321 00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:11,341 All he draws are penises and he has my little girl. 322 00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,051 Can you describe the penises? 323 00:18:14,135 --> 00:18:15,307 Big. 324 00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:18,355 I am curious about one thing, do you have a nemesis, 325 00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,854 the way Sherlock Holmes had Professor Moriarty? 326 00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:24,487 Well, I don't want to speak poorly of him on air, 327 00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:28,032 but my nemesis was going to be your next guest, Louis Green. 328 00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:29,316 - What? - Really? 329 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,118 But I do feel bad for him. 330 00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:34,322 I was told once that his father, a child psychologist, 331 00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:36,954 - experimented on him. - Experimented on him? 332 00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:38,285 What kind of experiments? 333 00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:43,756 Made him sleep in a box, sensory deprivation, transcription of television shows, 334 00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:45,378 that sort of thing. 335 00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:49,637 That's terrible. The father sounds like the poor man's B. F. Skinner. 336 00:18:49,712 --> 00:18:50,679 What a kook. 337 00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:52,507 This must stop. 338 00:18:55,468 --> 00:19:00,599 Hi. 52nd, between 9th and 10th, please. The Cavett Show. 339 00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:04,192 Hi, I'm Parks Commissioner Adrian Benepe, 340 00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:05,815 letting you know about a program that offers... 341 00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:07,738 How do you turn... 342 00:19:08,898 --> 00:19:10,024 This is an urgent alert 343 00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:11,154 from the New York Police Department. 344 00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:14,077 Ray? Oh, my God. 345 00:19:15,446 --> 00:19:16,743 Oh, Ray. 346 00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:23,000 Excuse me, can I borrow your phone? I lost mine in a mailbox. 347 00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:25,002 I have to call my friend. He's in trouble. 348 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,000 - Okay. - Thank you. 349 00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:31,338 But please don't call Pakistan. The CIA doesn't like it when I do that. 350 00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:33,555 9-1-7... 351 00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,679 9-1-7... Who am I kidding? 352 00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:39,058 My mind is shot. I haven't memorized a phone number in years. 353 00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:41,104 Could you hurry up, please? 354 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,306 Okay. 355 00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:47,229 Well, I don't have a lot of clues, but even if I find my biological dad, 356 00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:49,939 I do want to make it clear that my dad who raised me 357 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:52,525 - was a wonderful father. - Excuse me. 358 00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:54,902 Where's the lever that controls the curtain, please? 359 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:57,742 Especially since he's watching. 360 00:19:57,822 --> 00:19:59,199 I'm glad to hear he's watching. 361 00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:01,204 - We could use the ratings. 362 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,753 - My mom's also watching. - Okay then. 363 00:20:03,828 --> 00:20:05,751 All the better. You know, we're almost funny. 364 00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:07,207 We should have a comedy show. 365 00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:09,587 You're funny. I'm just... 366 00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:12,511 You know, with all that we've talked about, I just can't help thinking 367 00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:18,226 that not knowing who your biological father is must be a pretty dark place. 368 00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:21,687 It is dark, but my spirits are good. 369 00:20:21,804 --> 00:20:22,805 Hmm. 370 00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:24,770 I'm kind of an upbeat Hamlet. 371 00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:27,568 - Upbeat Hamlet? - What does he know about Hamlet, that idiot'? 372 00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:29,816 "To be or not to be." 373 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:33,608 Mr. Cavett, I know I'm supposed to look you in the eye at all times, 374 00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:35,819 but could I speak directly to the audience at home? 375 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:38,825 Well, this is unusual, but so are you. 376 00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:40,740 And so am I. Yeah, sure, go ahead. 377 00:20:40,823 --> 00:20:42,416 Thank you. 378 00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:44,076 Hello. 379 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,787 If anyone knows anything 380 00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:48,794 about the Hudson Sperm Bank that went up in flames in Fair Lawn, 381 00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:51,877 New Jersey, in 1981, please help me... 382 00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:54,257 Always with the sentimental claptrap! 383 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,676 Look out, Dick! 384 00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:02,683 Oh dear lord, that's not the curtain. Oh, fuckity. 385 00:21:06,891 --> 00:21:08,564 Who is that? 386 00:21:08,642 --> 00:21:09,939 That's my Moriarty. 387 00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:12,693 Mr. Cavett, I was just trying to bring down the curtain. 388 00:21:13,689 --> 00:21:15,236 Jonathan, Jonathan. 389 00:21:15,316 --> 00:21:18,035 We have to call Ray. There's been an emergency. 390 00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:19,870 Hey, Dick. George Christopher. 391 00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:22,539 We had lunch together in 1979 with Norman Mailer. 392 00:21:22,656 --> 00:21:24,875 - Whatever. - It was a while ago. 393 00:21:50,768 --> 00:21:52,736 God! 394 00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:55,777 Who are you and where is Spencer'? 395 00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:12,673 Be careful. This is a... 396 00:22:12,748 --> 00:22:15,001 - He's still not picking up. - Maybe he's in hiding. 397 00:22:15,417 --> 00:22:17,795 I never would have thought he'd kidnap a child. 398 00:22:17,878 --> 00:22:19,676 - Oh, hey, Mr. Cavett. 399 00:22:19,755 --> 00:22:21,428 Thank you so much for having me on your show. 400 00:22:21,507 --> 00:22:24,511 - I'm sorry about... - Oh, nothing to be sorry about. 401 00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:27,016 This was fantastic TV. 402 00:22:27,638 --> 00:22:30,562 And, my lad, you are going to sell a shitload of books. 403 00:22:30,641 --> 00:22:32,109 - Thank you. 404 00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:35,067 Oh, good luck on your dad. 405 00:22:35,771 --> 00:22:39,366 Get me down, you oxen. What do I pay my taxes for'? 406 00:22:40,067 --> 00:22:41,990 - Here, let me go around. I'll go around. - Whoa, easy, easy. 407 00:22:42,069 --> 00:22:45,073 I had the Chicken Kiev at The Russian Tea Room, so... 408 00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,251 Ray Hueston? You're free to go. 409 00:22:53,873 --> 00:22:56,126 You're hurting me. Easy. 410 00:22:57,293 --> 00:22:59,637 Ray? Ray, thank God you're here. 411 00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:00,921 Louis? 412 00:23:01,005 --> 00:23:02,052 - Help me. - Get in there. 413 00:23:02,131 --> 00:23:04,600 - The sandwiches aren't half bad! 414 00:23:10,097 --> 00:23:11,223 Hi. 415 00:23:14,894 --> 00:23:16,066 Hi. 416 00:23:17,855 --> 00:23:19,027 Hi. 417 00:23:20,941 --> 00:23:22,033 Is Spencer all right? 418 00:23:22,109 --> 00:23:27,161 Yes, he's with Renee in Ditmas Park. Everyone realizes it was a big mistake, 419 00:23:27,823 --> 00:23:28,949 but, Ray... 420 00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:30,834 What? 421 00:23:30,993 --> 00:23:33,621 Renee's worried about you being alone with Spencer. 422 00:23:33,704 --> 00:23:36,002 She wants to reconsider the arrangement. 423 00:23:38,125 --> 00:23:40,344 - Oh, God. - I'm sorry' Ray. 424 00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:41,796 I'm sure she'll come around. 425 00:23:41,879 --> 00:23:46,100 Yeah, I once left Emily locked in a car when she was 5 years old 426 00:23:46,175 --> 00:23:49,475 and her mom got over it. We didn't speak for a year, but... 427 00:23:54,016 --> 00:23:57,896 I'm sorry to hear that. Of course, I'll write a letter to your parole officer. 428 00:23:57,978 --> 00:24:00,356 - Thank you, papi. - It's the least I can do. 429 00:24:00,689 --> 00:24:02,862 Oh, thank you, Jose. 430 00:24:02,942 --> 00:24:04,865 - They took my cravat, you know'? 431 00:24:05,361 --> 00:24:07,034 - The navy blue one. - Oh. 432 00:24:07,363 --> 00:24:08,831 This is a monstrous place.