Hello, and welcome to Man Lab,
where the callused hand of the reconstructed male
tugs resolutely at the starting handle
of the chainsaw of achievement.
'Coming up - rock stars. Is it ever too late to become one,
'even if you're now a 40-year-old accountant?'
Scream for me, High Voltage!
CROWD ROARS
'We grind a different kind of axe
'making our own sustainable bog roll.'
Timber-r-r!
'And the undead give us a hard time, as we go ghost-busting.'
Something very odd going on in here, and that's not a joke.
More of that later on in the programme.
But first, one of the highlights of Man Lab Series One
was our groundbreaking bog roll alarm system,
which sounded a massive klaxon if anyone in the khazi
so much as lowered the seat when there was no paper left,
and then we could send in fresh supplies
using the Man Lab integrated railway transport solution.
ALARM RINGS
And already it's happened again, you see.
Will, our executive producer, is on the throne
and the alarm has gone off.
Unfortunately, this time we don't actually have
any bog roll left to send him.
Now obviously we could just go down to the shops and buy some more,
but where's the skill in that?
This is an 80-year-old willow tree.
The history of the willow tree is heavy with magic and mysticism.
The ancient Japanese people of the island of Hokkaido,
for example, believed this was their ancestor tree
and that the human backbone was made of willow.
Elsewhere, the Aztecs prayed to the in-dwelling spirits
of the willow tree in the belief they would protect them from storms.
We, though, are going to wipe our backsides on it.
Not in its current form, obviously. That would be a bit scratchy.
Now let me stress that this old willow is storm-damaged,
rotten, and must be cut down anyway.
Please don't write in demanding an explanation
with a self-addressed envelope,
is in the middle of a field,
but you might have to do this in a small garden.
What we're going to do is show you proper lumberjacking techniques
to ensure that the tree falls in a designated triangle of safety,
which in our case is something like that.
'To show you how confident we are of this,
'we asked Will to stand right on the edge
'of the danger zone. But he was otherwise engaged.'
Hello!
'A pity.'
He's cut out for this sort of thing.
So first step, cut off the secondary branches
on the side that the tree is going to fall on.
This will stop it bouncing off the ground into your face.
Right, tree-felling basics.
First we go to the side of the tree facing the direction
in which we want it to fall, and we make a cut using the two-handed saw,
through the trunk like that, about 20-30% of its thickness.
We then take the axe and, at about 45 degrees,
we cop into that to create what's known as the gob cut.
Then we go round to the other side of the tree to make the back cut
with the two-handed saw again. Here, just above the line
of the gob cut, and you will recognise
from the physics you did at school
that all the forces in the tree will be concentrated
at the back of the gob. So as we cut through
and the tree becomes ready to fall,
it will crack and fall perpendicular to that line,
down our triangle of safety, just missing our executive producer.
So, with our heads and ears protected
in case the tree suddenly explodes,
Dan and I start work on the gob cut, to silly music.
BANJO MUSIC
That was a bit BLEEP, wasn't it?
'Note: antique saws are not glorious relics from a bygone age
'of olde worlde craftsmanship. They're just crap.'
Rhythm is very important with this, as it is with most things in life.
If I push instead of letting Dan pull, it will buckle in the middle,
jam or possibly snap
or you can get a sine wave travelling
down through the saw which will then smack Dan in the teeth.
'The problem with sticking
'to traditional methods is it takes about five hours
'just to make the first cut.
'But, on the other hand, it does mean you can break out
'one of the first tools devised by primitive man - the axe.
'I'm using it to widen up the cut we made with the saw
'to create our wedge-shaped gob cut.
'Again, this turns out to be a long and exhausting process,
'and after another hour, I've barely made a dent.
'That's why more enlightened man
'invented the petrol-driven chainsaw,
'demonstrated here by Darren, our off-camera tree-felling expert.
'I felt slightly enfeebled by my poor showing with the axe,
'So Dan and I continued with ye olde methods, making the back cut.
'I then began to suspect that with our checked shirts, boots,
'and safety hats, we were being set up for a cheap gag.'
This has no relation at all to the disco scene
in parts of New York in the 1970s.
Better.
CREAKING
- Oh, what was that? - Sounded like a big creak.
Keep going.
CREAKING
Oh, hang on.
Go behind it.
Here we go! Timber-r-r!
James, go that way.
Hold on.
MUSIC: "YMCA" by The Village People
CREAKING AND SNAPPING
Here we go.
Stand back! Timber!
Whoa!
Sorry, tree.
Here we can see some of the woodlice responsible
for causing all this rot. I bet they got a bit of a shock.
Ah! What we need to do is see if our executive producer survived.
And he did. What a rotten bit of luck.
So this tree's life as a tree is now over.
It's had 80 years of being part of the scenery,
looking very beautiful as well, the loveliest of trees.
But we now have another role for it.
Here we have everything we need to rescue Will from the khazi,
or at least once it's passed through this convenient paper mill.
the sawdust from our rotten willow logs in this bag.
I also have a few other things whose usefulness would appear
to be exhausted but which yet may rise again as part of our bog roll.
For example, I have this pair of old jeans which I've worn out,
I have a pair of the director's jeans, which he's stopped wearing
now that he's given up rollerblading.
I have some flax wool
that we found lying around the Man Lab, very useful for making paper.
And finally, I have my paperback copy
of my colleague Richard Hammond's really rather excellent
autobiography, Volume 2, As You Do.
'Along with some water, everything is going into this machine,
'known as a Hollander beater, an elaborate mashing device
'turning all our fibres into a nice, fluffy,
'moist bog roll-specific pulp.
'So, in goes the sawdust from our freshly cut willow,
'followed by the jeans.'
Strikes me this is an extremely good way
of disposing of incriminating evidence,
such as bogus accounts or e-mails that show
you've been bribing the police or what have you.
I mean, Inspector Clouseau himself could be on the pan
and not realise that the evidence he seeks is right next to him.
'The old jeans begin their surreal journey from my arse to Will's.
One more ingredient is needed. It's not soft or particularly strong,
but it's definitely a bit on the long side.
Rather than put Richard Hammond's oeuvre in wholesale,
I thought it would be rather more dignified
to make it into a series of paper boats
containing some of the best bits.
This is the one where he rescues his neighbour.
"The scissors gleamed in my hand.
"The taut ribbon seemed to call me forward.
"I knew that all I had to do was cut one with the other
"and I'd be driving home in a new 911."
As a famous diarist once said, I think it may have been
someone like Oscar Wilde or George Bernard Shaw,
"Dear Mr Hammond, I have your book in front of me.
"Soon I will have it behind me."
'Let us not forget that this is being done for those in peril
'on the cludgie. In particular Will, back at Man Lab.
'This is vital bog roll production work,
'a reserved occupation in times of war.
'We're not mucking about.
'As the last scraps of Hammond's magnum opus
'slip into the slurry depths, our pulp is just about ready.'
There it goes.
Now time for stage two of Operation Bogbuster.
Here is our completed pulp mixture,
or, as it's known in the trade, the stuff,
and to make the stuff into paper we use this thing,
which is the mould and the deckle.
Now, there's a knack to this and I've never done it.
Drop it in, give it a slight swirl,
then try and bring it up as level as possible,
give it a shake.
Then you transfer it over to this device over here.
Place that on there. It's an evacuator.
It's linked to what is really not much more
than a domestic vacuum cleaner.
That's sucking the water out.
Press down to make sure there's a good seal around the edge.
It's a bit lumpy, but let's not worry about that.
Obviously if you were making bog roll in a big mechanised factory,
you'd make a great big continuous roll and then cut it up,
but we're making it by the artisanal method.
So we're making squares of bog roll.
Later we'll worry about joining it together, perforating it,
cutting it to the right width and so on.
This is the good bit, so watch.
This frame around the edge is known as the deckle
and when we lift it off, ha-ha!
Look at that.
And then...
..we are now going to couche this sheet of paper.
It's an old papermaker's term.
It actually derives from the French word "coucher"
meaning, presumably, to lie down or even sleep.
Hence the song "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"
Would you like to come and make some rustic artisanal paper
with me this evening?
How they got a reputation for being great lovers is beyond me.
There's a bit of a knack to this,
so, roll it on,
give it a bit of a press...
..and roll it off. Ho-ho!
I bet some of you do want to coucher avec moi ce soir after that.
Magnificent.
'As each sheet is made, it joins the pile
'separated by a layer of fabric for protection.
'Then it's on to more pressing matters,
'such as pressing with the press.
'My paper sheets are a bit bigger than the ancient press,
'so to distribute the pressure evenly, a sheet of wood is added,
'followed by these mediaeval timbers.'
Right, I think I'm ready to begin winding.
Listen to that? That's all the moisture coming out of our bog roll.
'Despite my legendary upper body strength,
'there's only so far I can go without an iron bar.'
Bring out the iron bar.
Which is this, which goes in the slot
and allows you to do a bit of proper, easy labour, pressing.
'Making your own bog roll
is not only ethical, it's good for you.'
Mmm, that feels quite nice, quite yogic.
There you go.
That allows us even more squashing.
'Even Hammond's dense prose is no match for the power
'of pure physics, and soon all the moisture
'has been squeezed out like grey juice from a big rotten lemon.'
Here we go, then. Man Lab's first paper product.
Not quite finished but getting close.
Ho-ho!
Is that a piece of paper?
Somebody once said,
"I have in my hand a piece of paper."
It doesn't quite promise peace in our time,
but it does promise a certain amount of relief for Will
when it eventually gets to him.
'I gather up my recycled, sustainable paper product
'and head back to the lab.'
Right.
It's a bit coarse, but it'll have to do.
Look at that.
KNOCKING
- Will! - Please hurry! - Hang on.
'In order to make the perforations on our bog roll,
'Simmy has cunningly sharpened points on a pizza cutter,
'which makes it simple to perforate along the width of the paper,
'cut along the length, stick the pieces together
'with - slightly inelegant but it doesn't matter really - glue stick.'
Let's not forget, shall we,
that what we're producing here came from a tree
that might otherwise have been used for nothing more than a bonfire.
This may be a little bit crude, but it is the most civilising thing
we have ever produced in the Man Lab, or even in society as a whole.
- Bog roll - where would we be without it? - Anyone there?
You can see where we'd be without it by reference to Will,
who is, in fact, stuck in the khazi, and that's where we'd be,
philosophically speaking, without this stuff.
I reckon we're almost there.
- Is that good enough? - It's pretty good. - That looks sort of like a bog roll.
He won't want an orange, will he?
- I can't hold on much longer! - Coming through, Will.
PA ANNOUNCEMENT: Mr Brown is in reception.
- Thanks, guys. - There you go. What could be simpler?
Now I think I'll put a clean shirt on and then I'll reappear...
..um, over there.
Now, as teenagers, most of us blokes recognised there were only really two career options open to us.
On the one hand, you could get a job.
But on the other hand, you could be a rock star.
One of these involved wearing a tie and making a cup of tea for Bob from Accounts.
But the other involved frolicking with your bandmates
in a giant swimming pool shaped like a Fender Stratocaster,
surrounded by rock chicks reclining on sun beds made out of piles of crisp new tenners.
But what none of us teenage dreamers realised back then
is that it's actually really difficult to become a rock star.
This is the famous zebra crossing outside Abbey Road studios,
and over the last 50 years how many people have crossed here,
believing they are heading for stardom?
It must be tens of thousands, I reckon.
But how many can you name for certain?
Yep, just four. Me too.
That is a great many broken dreams and a lot of wasted music.
In fact, it's estimated that if all the amateur versions
of Stairway To Heaven were played back to back, we would become very bored indeed.
But then, as the great Paul Weller once said,
to be someone must be a wonderful thing.
With that in mind, we at Man Lab decided
to reunite some of the ex-bands whose musical dreams died young,
to give them a second shot at glory in middle age.
Out of the hundreds of failed bands who sent us their demos,
we've selected a precious handful and invited them here to Camden's top rock toilet
for a second chance at rock'n'roll stardom.
This time it won't be at their sister's 15th birthday party.
But here, on stage at High Voltage, one of Britain's biggest rock festivals,
sharing the bill with Slash, Judas Priest and Thin Lizzy.
Our hopefuls are just motley crews of middle-aged blokes with everyday jobs.
But for these bands of brothers, the dream never died.
Helping me sort the Led Zeppelins from the Shed Zeppelins
are indie DJ Steve Lamacq and Victoria from the office.
They've both got clear ideas about what makes a great band.
You're looking for a band who will stand on a festival stage
and make people watch them and feel like they're part of something.
I want to be able to look at a group and not just love their tunes
but actually quite fancy, maybe, some of the musicians and singers!
People in the band have to really share the same ideals and ideas, I think.
I want a nicely dressed man who I can, yeah, who's fanciable.
They've got to feel comfortable together. That's really important.
I'm really looking forward to seeing these, these men.
OK, Vic, we get it. Anyway, first band up is The Waterbratz.
They used to look like this.
They now look like this.
We are Waterbratz. Enjoy yourselves!
♪ What's been missing from your...
♪ La-la-la-life?
♪ What's been missing from your
♪ La-la-la-life?
♪ What's been missing from your...
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪
One of you's a drama teacher, one of you's a head of PR...
clothing store, something in IT, one's a scientist.
- Is this a bit undignified now? - Yeah, but we don't mind!
- I tried to do some high kicks but I thought, this is going to look silly. And it... - And it did! - It did!
Lose marks straight away for having a "Z" at the end of their name. Waterbratz.
Next up, an unemployed civil servant, an IT bloke, two designery types and a metal worker.
From Buckinghamshire, Absolution.
This is called Problem Child.
♪ There goes a man who-ho...
♪ You don't know the difference between bad or good
♪ But it's all because you're a problem child. ♪
Yeah!
That was cock rock.
Pretty good. A lot tighter than I thought it might be.
There was a very bad "yeah" from the lead singer
at the end of the first song, which was...
He obviously regretted it even before the word had come out of his mouth.
- We've got a picture. They were really young. - Look at your man's hair!
Third up, Love Fungus, who in true Spinal Tap fashion, can't even open the door.
Starts well!
We're Love Fungus. This is the first we've played together in 20 years.
Come on, lads.
♪ Drive away, the clouds have gathered
♪ Drive away the night
♪ Drive away all that is bad here, drive away the spite
♪ Drive until you can't drive no more, drive into the light
♪ Darkness gathered overhead, so head into the night. ♪
- Thank you. - I liked the songs actually.
- But you're now a national account manager in construction. - I am, yeah!
Is that...
You couldn't really get - forgive me for saying this -
but you couldn't get further from rock'n'roll stardom than looking after building company accounts.
I have a Love Fungus poster that Matt drew. It's on my wall.
I walk past it every... It's on my bedroom wall.
And there's not a day goes by when I don't think what could have happened.
In your notes it says it was a way of getting noticed by girls.
Well, we were 17, 18 year olds.
So you'd still have quite a lot to offer maybe a maturer woman?
Yeah. Absolutely.
What is the exact nature of your question?!
While we send Vic for a cold shower, two engineers, a drama teacher and a film editor take the stage.
Hello, Camden! We are The Captain Pugwash Experience
and you're about to experience us.
♪ Mrs Mangle (Mangle)...
♪ Mrs Mangle (Mrs Mangle)... ♪
Are you to some extent a parody?
Possibly. Yeah.
♪ ..tomorrow, Mother's got her suitcase packed
♪ Mother's upstairs, she's crying on her own. ♪
It's a lifetime ambition and to get a shot at it at this stage of life
when you think it's a long gone daddy, again, is wonderful.
So your band contains three Andys and one Scott?
- Scott. - And Scott isn't here.
Yes, a couple of days ago we had an old rock'n'roll tiff at rehearsal.
- He literally stormed off. - So we are actually here witnessing a reformed band
already in the process of breaking up?
Finally, climbing the stairs to potential superstardom,
our last bunch of ordinary blokes, also known as The Scarey Men.
- Go sir. - Thank you. We're The Scarey Men from Durham. This one's called Beautiful Girl.
♪ You're still my beautiful girl
♪ Still my beautiful girl. ♪
- You're not very scary for scary men, are you really? - Thanks very much.
You're quite sort of, what my mum would call nice lads.
And so, we've seen all of our bands, but only one can make it through
to the main stage at High Voltage and play to a crowd of thousands.
After careful deliberation, we call them back in to announce our final verdict.
Right... Thank you very much for doing this.
It's been very difficult.
We think you should all reform. You should all play together some more.
And you will, I think, inspire other bands in garages and pubs and other bands that have split up
are full of regret and wish they were back together, to do just that.
That's a great thing and a great service you've done.
But... there can only be one band that goes forwards.
And that band is...
Love Fungus.
So, Love Fungus will make the giant leap from pub to festival stage,
despite a short intervening fallow period.
First time we've been in a room together for 20 years, so I think after that, anything can happen now.
- Playing a festival will be awesome. I'm going to love it. - I can't imagine what it'll be like.
- We've never done a big gig in front of a lot of people, have we? - No!
Just let everybody else hear our songs, which will be nice.
If we get bottled off, great, and if they cheer us, even better!
We've plucked just one band from the boulevard of broken dreams,
and I'm beginning to wonder how Simon Cowell sleeps at night.
What we're doing here is a good thing, of course,
because we're getting people to play together again after 10 or 20 years, and that can't be bad.
But at the same time it's slightly cruel because we're poking an old ghost
with a pointy stick and then running away.
Then we leave these bands with the most dreadful thing in the human condition,
which is the contemplation of what might have been.
I was in band once.
Coming up later, the band take the centre stage at High Voltage.
PA ANNOUNCEMENT: Love Fungus are entering the arena!
Thankfully, they're not feeling at all nervous about it.
More of that later, but first the findings of the latest Man Lab survey into your irrational fears.
And from this we learn that 23% of you are scared of spiders,
whilst only 3% are scared of dogs.
Meanwhile, 26% are scared of "other".
Amongst the more irrational fears here are the nuclear holocaust,
vacuum cleaners, Darth Vader and bin juice.
But here is the most terrifying of all our findings.
40% of you, it seems, are scared of something that probably doesn't even exist - ghosts.
This has got to stop.
This is Lympne Castle in Kent, supposedly one of the most haunted places in England.
I've come here to face up to the ghosts, and in doing so, learn how to overcome any irrational fear.
My view on ghosts is this.
I'm not prepared to dismiss them entirely.
Now I don't believe in the idea of tortured souls wandering the world
wearing the chains they forged in life and all that nonsense.
But I can accept that there may be such a thing as an apparition,
a recording of a very significant or emotionally charged event
left in the fabric of the world that can be replayed to certain people under certain conditions.
And if you look at it like that, apparitions are no more remarkable
than the television you are watching now,
which is naught but a magic picture show with no substance whatsoever.
Being scared of phantoms is a bit like being scared of Ant and Dec.
And so with that in mind,
we're proposing to spend the night at the castle,
while I, along with Tom, the director, will wander the darkened corridors
testing out Britain's most popular fear reduction techniques.
Lympne castle has a history that stretches back to Roman times.
So there should be ample opportunity to come face-to-face with a ghastly spectre.
All we need is the right kit.
This is Lympne castle's Great Hall, scene of much ribaldry
and roast boars' heads over many centuries.
And in here I'm going to install this very simple motion detector, a sort of infra-red device.
You put the transmitter here, and over here I put the receiver.
And then, if anything from this world or the next, or the one before us,
comes through this room, it will simply...
ALARM SOUNDS ..do that.
That's quite unearthly actually, isn't it?
And of course all the time we're in here
we are being monitored along with anybody or anything else
that is in here, by these permanently fixed cameras up on the wall there.
Right, follow me.
There is one man who knows these corridors like no other.
One man who laughs in the face of terror daily,
all the while keeping the silverware at a professional polish.
Rod, the caretaker.
So, how long have you been here, Rod?
- Off and on, about ten years, actually. - Really? - Yeah.
How many strange and inexplicable things have you experienced?
- Personally, only about... three... - Such as? - ..four?
Strange feelings. A thing catch you out the corner of your eye.
When you see things move and think, "Is that someone just gone by there?"
What about other people who've been here,
cos I know you've had quite a few ghost hunters and mediums.
- Oh, yeah, they see a lot. - What sort of thing?
They see everything from... We've had children, housekeepers, gardeners,
Roman soldiers, Canadian soldiers, American soldiers,
monks, dead monks, um...
women, grey ladies.
The full list went on for some time, and, if nothing else,
it convinced me that we'd come to the right place.
So, as the sun set and the full moon rose in the sky
like a leering skull, I assembled my team.
We are now ready to go ghost-busting and not be afraid.
Tom here has a handheld infra-red camera,
I have a head-mounted infra-red camera.
I think we're ready. After me? Right.
Is anybody there?
'Observing our progress from the safety of the sitting room is
'Rebecca from the Man Lab and Nigel, our medical expert.
'Nigel will be monitoring our fear levels,
'while Rebecca is standing by with a list of popular fear-busting techniques.
'We're wearing heart-monitoring watches that will go off
'every time our heart rate exceeds 75% of the maximum,
'meaning we're in the fear zone
'and must test out a calming technique.'
Right, this way?
'I think if you take a right down this corridor.'
Down here? This is a kitchen.
There is something slightly spooky about a kitchen,
especially an old one like this.
These tiles have witnessed a lot of
presumably quite terrible cooking over the centuries.
Spam fritters.
Poor quality sausages.
Bits of children. That sort of thing.
DOOR CREAKS
I don't think he's going to cope with this very well.
(- What's up there? - Stairs.)
(- Is that the library? - Yes.)
(I keep thinking, if we're really quiet,
(- we can sneak up on the ghosts. - Right, that's a good plan.)
THUD!
Sorry, that was me.
LAUGHTER
So James is a bit more scared than Tom.
- Here we go. - Oh... He's almost there!
- 74%! - His alarm is just there.
So, five minutes in, he's already almost there.
MONITOR BEEPS
My heart rate's just gone up.
James? BEEP!
Hello.
You're over your maximum heart rate. Please do some breathing exercises.
'For example?'
'Place one hand on the abdomen and one on the chest, then focus on'
trying to raise the lower hand
'and not the one on the chest when breathing.'
'I've absolutely no idea what she's on about.'
- That's good. It's working. - It's working.
(Isn't it just because I've stood still and not run up the stairs?)
(Probably.)
'For another two hours, we blunder about the castle
'encountering nothing so much as a supernaturally bent spoon,
'but when we head to the Great Hall, a terrible surprise awaits.'
So Tom's quite high.
- 'Tom's at 60%.' (- That's the Great Hall. - Yes.)
(- I'm a bit spooked. - What's that? - What?)
(- What's that noise, way ahead there? - Where?)
- See, imagination is the worst thing. - I know.
- That's just a doorway. - (I heard something further through.)
(Off you go.)
(There.)
What the bloody hell is that?
- Eugh, that was a bit horrible. - Yeah. What was that?
- Did you hear that? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was in there. What is in there?
ALARM BLARES Ah! Flipping Nora!
LAUGHTER
Ah!
- It's our beep! - Right, be reasonable, that's just our alarm.
ALARM CONTINUES
IT STOPS
I want a heart rate check, please.
Oh, bloody hell. What was happening in there?
Don't know, but I heard or saw something. I'm not sure what.
107 - Tom, 122 - James.
There's something very odd going on in here and that's not a joke.
I don't like it! HE LAUGHS
'I want you to stay in the Great Hall, please.'
What's it... What's beep...?
- I've gone above my limit. - You'll have to tell.
'We want you to go back to the Great Hall and try to...'
- Huh?! What the BLEEP was that?! - What? - Something behind you.
Yeah, I did! I saw it. BLEEP!
- 'OK, I want you to do a... relaxation technique.' - God above!
You've got to be kidding! There's really weird stuff going on!
Could you see that?
LAUGHTER - OK...breathe. - Breathe!
You need to calm down. I want you to do some yoga.
'Yoga? The restless dead are on our heels, woman!'
- Did you see that thing?! - Yeah, what was that? - I've no idea.
I might've caught it on tape, but it went straight behind you.
'In fact, the identity of our mystery assailant was revealed,
'after close inspection of the CCTV footage,
'to be a startled bat.
'Still, at least we retained our scientific detachment.'
- What the BLEEP! was that? - I saw it! BLEEP!
- God above! - 'I want you to do a relaxation technique...'
Sit on the floor with your knees spread and bottoms
of your feet pressed together or wrapped around your legs.
Your knees are slightly lifted off the ground and breathe.
'Tom's heart rate monitor went so far off the scale
'that he's actually managed to break the thing!
'Five minutes of yoga reduces our fear rates by 15%.
'But as this is immediately counterbalanced by a 15% increase in embarrassment, we decide
'to move on to a new pre-emptive technique - flooding. It involves
'exposing us to so much of the thing we're scared of,
'that we'll be immune to anything the castle throws at us.
'We've enlisted Hayward Morse,
'one of the UK's most popular narrators of horror stories.'
"Take thy beak from out my heart
"and take thy form from off my door.
"Quoth the raven, 'Nevermore'."
'The only problem is my heart rate increases and continues to climb.
'Time to counteract this with an old fear-bashing favourite -
'Dutch courage.'
"The figure whipped round, stood for an instant at the side of the bed,
"raised its arms, and, with a hoarse scream of, 'You've got it!'"
'Suitably flooded with both scary stories and cabernet,
'it's time to venture out once again into the blackness.'
'We decide to return to the Great Hall,
'having disabled the alarms, and head for
'the Roman period eastern tower.
'This is where we thought we heard those strange noises
'just before our encounter with the bat.'
This tower is actually quite spooky.
I don't believe in anything like that, but it's actually quite atmospheric.
I don't like this picture. What the hell's going on there?
A weird priest person and...
It's sort of like an amateur Hieronymus Bosch
with Oz Clarke in the middle of it.
It is quite spooky.
James, your heart rate's going up. I want you to start singing.
So he's going to do that. Apparently, soldiers used to sing when they go into battle,
cos it really calms you down. I think it releases endorphins.
♪ Mull of Kintyre
♪ Oh, mmm rolling nah-nah-nah... ♪
HUMS TO HIMSELF
'Paul and Linda start to have a noticeable calming effect,
'but it's not enough to drown out this.
THUD IN THE DISTANCE (- I just heard a noise. - What?)
(I just heard something in here.)
(Did you hear that?)
MONITOR BEEPS I don't mind admitting the hairs
stood up on the back of my neck and I heard a noise in here. Definitely.
'Tom is so convinced that he heard something,
'that we decide to forgo our calming exercises and sit...and listen.'
ANOTHER THUD (- Can you hear that? - Yeah.)
MOVEMENT I can hear footsteps really clearly.
NOISES CONTINUE (What in the hell is that?)
Tom's gone up now.
(- James, what the BLEEP was that? What was that noise? - I don't know.)
(- Shall we go down? - Yeah, let's go down.)
(Be careful down the stairs.)
Tom's breathing really heavily.
James just went over.
Definitely heard footsteps.
I'm not hearing anything here, but something was going on up there.
- Rebecca to Tom. - 'Shut up!'
- I just heard footsteps again on these stairs. - On these ones? Huh?!
- It's Rob the Caretaker. - Ah!
'Yes, our supernatural footsteps
'turned out to be a combination of a flag flapping on the tower,
'and Rod making a cup of tea in a mysterious way.'
And so, after a long night of terror, our ordeal
was finally over.
So, what have we learned? Well, firstly, that there are techniques
for dealing with that inner sense of mounting panic,
such as deep breathing or singing, like the sailors of old.
But perhaps more importantly, we've learned that
this thing of which 40% of us claim to be very scared,
i.e. ghosts, are actually just demons of our own minds,
temporarily hosted by the darkness of a creaky old house.
So it seems that Franklin D Roosevelt was right
when he said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."
Although, some later research conducted in the 1970s,
by Hanna and Barbera,
suggested we have nothing to fear but the caretaker.
Ah, yes.
Morganstar89 writes to say,
"I'm always losing screwdrivers and Allen keys. It drives me crackers.
"Can you help?" Well, as a matter of fact, Morganstar89,
yes, we can, because I have a similar problem at home,
where I have this. It's known as the bowl of many things
and, in it, I keep all those things
that have no acknowledged or accepted home within the home.
For example, my flageolet, my ninja death star,
a spanner that's very important for adjusting cupboard doors in the kitchen,
some keys, this spare padlock for the little shed outside
and, indeed, some Allen keys.
However, we have recognised there is an area of potential storage
within every home that is greatly under-utilised, and here it is.
CLANG!
Welcome to the Man Lab Ceiling Storage Solution,
a mere magnetic folly that you could attach to any ceiling anywhere,
and that will keep very safe for you this spanner.
See? On the ceiling.
Up it goes, you know where it is forever.
We have this pair of nail clippers and I can never find them.
I will be able to find them when they are up there.
So, how do you create this simple yet extraordinary storage device?
Well, a sheet of mild steel is covered with
a uniform grid of 460 magnets, each capable of holding a kilogram.
This way, the whole sheet is magnetised.
We screw that to a board, then hang it from the ceiling.
Now, if you're interested, those magnets up there are the neodymion type.
They're extremely strong and never lose their magnetism.
You can get them from magnet websites on the internet
and it is worth remembering that the magnet has been a great
contributor to civilisation. Without it, we wouldn't have
the magnetic resonance imaging scanner, the MRI scanner,
and we wouldn't have the electric motor and life would not be as good.
Anyway, the eagle-eyed amongst you will have noticed
only half of our ceiling storage solution is magnetic.
The other half is a mysterious black cloth.
It is, in fact, a very sophisticated type of hook-and-eye material,
or Velcro as you would know it, and you can take, for example,
this hat, which I hardly ever wear. Well, that's got a home.
Here's an interesting one.
My ancient and beloved faded pale blue T-shirt which I've had for the best part of 20 years.
Now, obviously the T-shirt would stick to the Velcro,
but then it would become rather crumpled and this would spoil its appearance.
So I've put it on a hanger, the hanger is of course made of mild steel,
so that should stick to the magnets. And there it is!
How do you get these things down? I hear you cry from the collective sofa of the nation.
Well, what you do is you equip yourself with one of these grabbers.
So, you need a hat? There is a hat.
You need some Allen keys? Well, there they are. Simply grab them and bring them down.
The only problem I can think of is, where do you store this?
Anyway, whilst I think about that, let's see how Love Fungus are getting on.
Earlier on, we auditioned six bands whose dreams of rock stardom expired two decades ago,
crushed under the weight of proper jobs.
We were in a position to give one of them a last stab at glory.
There can only be one band that goes forwards,
and that band is...
Love Fungus.
First time we've been in a room together for 20 years, so I think after that, anything can happen now.
So, Love Fungus convinced us but, next, they would have to win over the crowd at High Voltage,
one of the UK's biggest rock festivals.
Neil Armstrong made a giant leap on behalf of humanity when he set foot on the moon,
but Love Fungus, today, will make a comparable one
when they stride straight from a pub in the mid-'90s to that,
the main stage of the High Voltage music festival 2011.
Without embracing any of the rubbish in-between, the bent managers, dodgy contracts, difficult third albums.
None of that stuff, they've just risen straight to the top like a bubble of fetid marsh gas.
After 20 years I couldn't remember the songs, and I couldn't remember the lyrics.
I think all of us harboured ambitions of wanting to become rock stars.
Everybody does when you're that age, really.
- How many people are going to be there? - I dunno, what's the ticket sales?
30,000 sold so far.
- Are you going to be sick? - No. - Sounds like you're going to be.
There were 12 people at our last gig, wasn't there? Maximum.
Since Love Fungus, the jobs that I've done have been mainly bar work.
Bit of excitement and a little bit of nerves.
- To be honest I'm looking forward to seeing that Brian May again. - Who's Brian May?!
James May! I mean... don't put that in!
Sadly, Brian May won't be at High Voltage this year, but no matter.
As performers, Love Fungus enter the festival not through the public gates,
but through the backstage entrance.
Just to let you know Love Fungus is coming over.
Do I regret Love Fungus not making it big? Every day of my life.
I liked the songs actually but you are now a national account manager in construction.
Forgive me, but you couldn't get much further from your dream of rock'n'roll stardom
than looking after the accounts of building firms.
As a national account manager, I'm all over the country.
Would I rather be driving around on tour in a tour bus or a van? Yeah, absolutely.
To play in front of a big crowd would just be the most incredible experience.
It would be something that would be, you know, life changing, I think.
- Morning, chaps. You all right? - Yes, not too bad.
- Are you nervous about it? - No. At the minute, no, not actually.
I'm a little bit. I can't work out whether it's nerves or excitement.
Sitting backstage at a festival is living the dream we had 20 years ago.
Being a newly-deified rock god means smashing your way
through the rider in the dressing room
before schmoozing with your rock contemporaries
in as disaffected and hip a way as possible.
So it's 20 years since your last gig?
- Yes. - '91. - 21?
And somebody stopped the gig halfway through to ask if anyone had ordered a taxi.
OK, no tellies have gone in swimming pools yet,
but at least The Fungoids now have the chance to get
some tips from the rock establishment.
No-one's really prepared for anything
so you just go in and...
- throw yourself to the slaughter. - Festival sound.
Never let the audience know you've made a mistake.
Never let them know you're having a wobbler.
Just enjoy it, that's all you've got to do.
If you enjoy it and the crowd are with you, then great.
If they're not, just get off as quick as you can! Leg it!
And the band aren't the only ones needing guidance.
As the first punters arrive onsite like the beginning
of a patchouli-scented landslide...
HE ROARS
..I'm starting to get a bit nervous too.
I have to introduce the boys on stage,
and if I can't get the crowd pumped up, I could ruin their day.
They're quite nervous, actually. They're very excitable but nervous.
It's not much of a contribution,
but if I can go out and say, "ladies and gentlemen,
"here they are, Love Fungus," they'll think, "Oh, right."
They need a big intro though, I think.
How big?
Well, as heavy metal as you can make it. Action packed...
- Action packed, brief, loud, confident, foot on wedge. - Yeah.
The only bit I'm worried about is foot on wedge.
I think if you're going with the foot up,
it's the opposite hand up. See what I'm saying?
You can't do that, can you? Cos that's a bit Country and Western.
Yeah, yeah.
Can I do a bit of practice foot on wedge?
I'm sure we've got something round here.
Maybe you could get a minion just to get down...
Stick it on the...
Put it on their back.
'Just then, Rory, Man Lab's callow youth,
'took the ill-advised decision to walk past where we were standing.
'But he won't mind this. We've been walking all over him for weeks.'
- So just walk out. - Yeah.
- How's that? - Yeah, nice. - Is that good? - For a first try, very good.
'Thanks to the selfless Rory,
'I'm perfectly prepared for my big moment.'
All good. You were great.
- Thanks, Rory. - Yeah. - Thank you. - Have the rest of the day off.
MUSIC: "Highway To Hell" by AC/DC
High Voltaaaage!
♪ Living easy, living free. ♪
- Go. - Let's go.
♪ Asking nothing, leave me be. ♪
VIA MEGAPHONE: Love Fungus are entering the arena. BAND MEMBERS LAUGH
Love Fungus are entering the arena.
- Right, it's that way, I believe. - OK. - To the 13 steps up to glory.
'Here, then, at the foot of the stairway to rock heaven,
'is Love Fungus.
'The ghost of their ambition has been locked in an old guitar case
'under the stairs for 20 years, and now it's been opened.'
Just calm. Look, it's just a gig. It's what you do.
- Lads, let's enjoy this, come on. - You must, you must.
I'm trying to think of what to say to you, cos it doesn't...
It's only rock 'n' roll, it doesn't... Oh, thank you. Urgh!
How do I turn it on?
- You ready, guys? - Yeah. - You want to come up the stairs?
Ooh, got to go upstairs. Come on, lads, upstairs.
'Later the stage will be host to Slash, Judas Priest and Thin Lizzy.
'Total record sales, 150 million.'
It's only a gig. You're just playing musical instruments.
But for now, and for the only time in history,
this arena belongs to a salesman, a national account manager,
a graphic designer, a teaching assistant and a nurse... Rock On!
CHEERING SWELLS Come on, go.
WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE
Scream for me, High Voltage!
CHEERING
This band split up in 1991 over musical differences
and because someone had stolen the steering wheel from their van. CROWD LAUGHS
They reformed two days ago...and nobody noticed.
But you're going to notice now! Give it up for Love Fungus!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, ready, lads?
CYMBALS AND OVERDRIVEN GUITARS
♪ Well, I was wondering What shall we do?
♪ And I was contemplating What's two add two?
♪ And I was mesmerised And then I was you
♪ And I was sitting here Simply blue, that's true
♪ But drive away Those clouds that gather
♪ Drive away the night
♪ Drive away all that is bad Hey, drive away the spite
♪ Drive until you can't drive on Drive into the night
♪ Dark clouds will gather overhead So head into the light. ♪
This is an inspiration to anyone, anywhere.
In the words of AC/DC, let there be light,
let there be sound, let there be drums,
let there be guitars... Oh, let there be rock.
- The singer's quite punky, like, quite lairy. - Yeah. - Pretty good.
♪ I can feel you And I need you
♪ But I wanna be you Because I love you
♪ Oh, yes!
GUITAR SOLO
The glorious resprouting of The Fungus
is a message to all men stuck in daily drudgery across the nation.
Take up thy guitar - you're never too old to dream.
♪ Ha ha ha ha
♪ Haaa. ♪
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much! Cheers, that was absolutely amazing.
You guys are great, enjoy the rest of your day.
Experience some fantastic bands that are here for you, OK?
We're Love Fungus, cheers.
Cheers, James.
Brilliant work! Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Come on.
- Bit sweaty, sorry, James. - Cheers!
I'm very proud of them.
Bloody hell, man.
Good? Did you enjoy that?
That was terrific.
My heart swelled with pride when I saw you out there.
I was...I was moved. I was.
CHEERING
We had Hendrix at Monterey,
we had The Who on the Isle of Wight, The Beatles at the Hollywood Bowl,
but now we've had Love Fungus at the High Voltage festival.
In 30 years' time, people who weren't here
will claim that they were.
Let us not forget that Love Fungus are not merely
some reunited happy band of brothers.
They, and thousands of bands before them,
actually changed the course of musical history.
Because if it hadn't been for the invention of the electric guitar,
the ukulele craze that swept America in the 1940s
would have continued unabated to this day.
And now your MP3 player would be filled, not with rock music,
but with the happy sounds of Hawaiian ukulele bands.
Imagine that.
Goodbye.
UKULELE MUSIC PLAYS
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk