1
00:00:03,033 --> 00:00:05,235
Hey, Mike. You got any plans
tonight, huh?
2
00:00:05,269 --> 00:00:07,737
Oh, great man plans--
park myself in the den,
3
00:00:07,772 --> 00:00:09,572
- watch a little ESPN...
- Ah.
4
00:00:09,607 --> 00:00:11,541
And I got some leftover brisket
to make a sandwich out of.
5
00:00:11,575 --> 00:00:14,544
Oh, yeah.
Nothing beats family, huh?
6
00:00:14,578 --> 00:00:16,913
You know, when you ask a question
7
00:00:16,947 --> 00:00:18,081
just to make conversation,
8
00:00:18,115 --> 00:00:21,284
you don't listen
to the answer, do you?
9
00:00:21,318 --> 00:00:23,720
Yeah. Me, too.
10
00:00:23,754 --> 00:00:25,789
You're losing it, old man.
11
00:00:25,823 --> 00:00:27,557
Who are you calling old?
12
00:00:27,591 --> 00:00:28,792
Oh, that you heard.
13
00:00:28,826 --> 00:00:31,427
Mm. Yeah. Age is just
a state of mind, my friend.
14
00:00:31,462 --> 00:00:32,929
- Is it really?
- Mm-hmm.
15
00:00:32,963 --> 00:00:34,747
Hey, you know that civil war,
uh, shotgun you have?
16
00:00:34,782 --> 00:00:35,765
Uh-huh.
17
00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:37,217
Did you buy that new?
18
00:00:39,303 --> 00:00:41,437
Oh, yeah. The 1800s.
Yeah, that's--
19
00:00:41,472 --> 00:00:44,207
that's around the last time
you picked up a check.
20
00:00:44,241 --> 00:00:47,710
Boom! He got you, Mr. B.
21
00:00:47,745 --> 00:00:49,112
Hey, Kyle.
Is that a new haircut,
22
00:00:49,146 --> 00:00:52,382
or did big bird just crap
on your head?
23
00:00:52,416 --> 00:00:53,750
(Laughter) Huh?
24
00:00:53,784 --> 00:00:56,452
Boom! Another good one...
(Chuckles)
25
00:00:56,487 --> 00:00:59,455
Except now my feelings are hurt.
26
00:00:59,490 --> 00:01:01,758
Oh, toughen up, ginger.
Come on.
27
00:01:01,792 --> 00:01:03,827
You don't want Ed to like your hair.
28
00:01:03,861 --> 00:01:05,211
If he liked your hair,
29
00:01:05,246 --> 00:01:07,297
it would show that he didn't
have respect for you.
30
00:01:07,331 --> 00:01:08,665
Come on. Come on. Hit me.
31
00:01:08,699 --> 00:01:09,916
- Yeah. Come on.
- Come on. Give me your best shot.
32
00:01:09,967 --> 00:01:11,217
- Come on. Come on.
- I don't even think I could.
33
00:01:11,252 --> 00:01:13,253
Oh, you can do it. Step up.
Put your back into it.
34
00:01:13,304 --> 00:01:14,504
Look, I'll help you out.
I'll start it off.
35
00:01:14,538 --> 00:01:15,672
Yeah.
Hey, Ed.
36
00:01:15,706 --> 00:01:16,673
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. (Chuckles)
37
00:01:16,707 --> 00:01:18,808
Is that a beard or...
38
00:01:18,843 --> 00:01:23,279
Okay. Uh... just some hair
on your face?
39
00:01:23,314 --> 00:01:25,265
Ka-boom! (Chuckles)
40
00:01:25,316 --> 00:01:26,416
(Sighs)
41
00:01:26,450 --> 00:01:31,821
I can't even look at him, Mike. I...
42
00:01:37,953 --> 00:01:40,511
Sync and corrected by Gatto
for www.addic7ed.com
43
00:01:40,631 --> 00:01:42,699
Ohh. Travis just tweeted that
he's staying in tonight.
44
00:01:42,733 --> 00:01:44,100
Ohh.
45
00:01:44,134 --> 00:01:47,036
He should tweet that he just set
the world record for boring.
46
00:01:47,071 --> 00:01:49,422
Excuse me.
My boyfriend isn't boring.
47
00:01:49,456 --> 00:01:51,140
What was his tweet before that?
48
00:01:51,175 --> 00:01:53,476
"I like mittens."
49
00:01:53,510 --> 00:01:56,262
(Chuckles)
50
00:01:56,297 --> 00:01:57,614
At least he's taking a stand
on something.
51
00:01:57,648 --> 00:01:58,631
Yeah.
52
00:01:58,682 --> 00:02:00,450
Hey. Big night tonight.
(Keys jangle)
53
00:02:00,484 --> 00:02:02,218
They are letting me close the diner.
54
00:02:02,252 --> 00:02:04,120
Forever?
55
00:02:04,154 --> 00:02:05,388
No, Mandy.
When they close it forever,
56
00:02:05,422 --> 00:02:08,107
they use a grease fire
and an insurance claim.
57
00:02:08,142 --> 00:02:09,475
Oh.
58
00:02:09,526 --> 00:02:11,060
Ohh, Mandy.
What?
59
00:02:11,094 --> 00:02:12,478
Travis was just tagged in a photo
60
00:02:12,529 --> 00:02:14,480
with Lizzie Trautwein one minute ago.
61
00:02:14,531 --> 00:02:16,265
Can't be. I told you
he's staying in tonight.
62
00:02:16,283 --> 00:02:18,067
Doesn't look like he's in,
but he is enjoying
63
00:02:18,101 --> 00:02:20,403
that apple pie she's feeding him.
64
00:02:20,437 --> 00:02:22,238
Travis lied to me?
65
00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:25,208
On--on a wildly popular
social network?
66
00:02:25,242 --> 00:02:27,293
I'm sure there's an explanation.
67
00:02:27,328 --> 00:02:29,412
Yeah. He's in love
with Lizzie Trautwein.
68
00:02:29,446 --> 00:02:32,782
What? How?
I don't understand.
69
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,517
She has, like, freckles and glasses
70
00:02:34,551 --> 00:02:36,920
but acts like she doesn't.
71
00:02:36,954 --> 00:02:38,588
Come on, Mandy.
You're the first runner-up.
72
00:02:38,622 --> 00:02:40,356
Hold your head high.
73
00:02:42,393 --> 00:02:43,593
Hi.
74
00:02:43,627 --> 00:02:44,794
Hey.
75
00:02:47,298 --> 00:02:48,481
Are we having company?
76
00:02:48,515 --> 00:02:50,066
- Yeah.
- Why didn't you call me?
77
00:02:50,100 --> 00:02:51,067
Well, what would you have said?
78
00:02:51,101 --> 00:02:52,568
No.
79
00:02:52,603 --> 00:02:54,570
That's why I didn't call you.
80
00:02:54,605 --> 00:02:56,572
- Tonight?
- Why, you have plans?
81
00:02:56,607 --> 00:02:58,608
Yeah, a date with ESPN
and a plate of meat.
82
00:02:58,642 --> 00:02:59,909
Mm.
83
00:03:04,581 --> 00:03:08,251
Too bad. A new couple moved
into the house on the corner,
84
00:03:08,285 --> 00:03:10,703
and I met the wife
while I was power walking,
85
00:03:10,754 --> 00:03:12,355
and we really hit it off.
86
00:03:12,389 --> 00:03:14,757
Ah, sounds more like power talking.
87
00:03:14,792 --> 00:03:16,793
(Sighs) Oh, could you not say
88
00:03:16,827 --> 00:03:19,128
every smart-ass thing
that pops into your head?
89
00:03:19,162 --> 00:03:21,381
The scary thing is, I don't.
90
00:03:21,432 --> 00:03:23,383
(Nuts rattle)
91
00:03:23,434 --> 00:03:24,550
Well, Rebecca's really nice,
92
00:03:24,601 --> 00:03:26,552
so I invited them over for dinner.
93
00:03:26,603 --> 00:03:28,170
And so what does Mr. Rebecca do?
94
00:03:28,188 --> 00:03:29,305
I don't know.
95
00:03:29,339 --> 00:03:30,573
You guys will doing
your "girlie talk,"
96
00:03:30,607 --> 00:03:32,558
and I gotta deal with a guy
that probably h-has
97
00:03:32,609 --> 00:03:34,060
a chiropractor that's a wizard.
98
00:03:34,111 --> 00:03:35,395
"Let me show you on your back.
99
00:03:35,446 --> 00:03:36,562
Let me walk across your back."
100
00:03:36,613 --> 00:03:37,897
(Chuckles) (Doorbell rings)
101
00:03:37,948 --> 00:03:41,034
Oh, they're here. Do not eat
the hors d'oeuvres.
102
00:03:41,068 --> 00:03:43,202
Well, what are they here for?
103
00:03:43,237 --> 00:03:45,238
Hey, Rebecca.
104
00:03:45,289 --> 00:03:46,422
Hey, Vanessa.
105
00:03:46,457 --> 00:03:49,092
(Mouthing words)
Welcome to our humble abode.
106
00:03:49,126 --> 00:03:50,293
(Door closes)
107
00:03:50,327 --> 00:03:51,411
(Chuckles) Oh, you shouldn't have,
108
00:03:51,462 --> 00:03:54,097
but I'm glad you did.
109
00:03:54,131 --> 00:03:57,467
Come on in
and meet my grumpy husband.
110
00:04:00,137 --> 00:04:01,637
Hi. Mike Baxter.
111
00:04:01,672 --> 00:04:03,439
Hi. Rebecca Hatton.
Charlie's running a little late. Hi.
112
00:04:03,474 --> 00:04:05,258
Yeah. Lucky.
113
00:04:06,977 --> 00:04:09,145
Whenever there's anything
on about football, submarines,
114
00:04:09,179 --> 00:04:12,181
or quicksand, Charlie has
to rush home and record it.
115
00:04:12,216 --> 00:04:14,550
Yeah.
"Fast Death by Quicksand."
116
00:04:14,568 --> 00:04:17,820
I'm DVR'ing that myself.
That's cool.
117
00:04:17,855 --> 00:04:19,221
You know, we gotta meet
our neighbors more often.
118
00:04:19,239 --> 00:04:20,273
That's what I always say,
119
00:04:20,324 --> 00:04:21,390
we should meet
our neighbors more often,
120
00:04:21,408 --> 00:04:22,942
and we always fight about it.
121
00:04:22,993 --> 00:04:24,694
(Engine revs)
122
00:04:24,728 --> 00:04:26,429
Oh, that'll be Charlie.
123
00:04:26,463 --> 00:04:27,730
I know what you're thinking.
What kind of maniac rides
124
00:04:27,765 --> 00:04:29,599
a motorcycle at this time of year?
125
00:04:29,633 --> 00:04:31,501
(Doorbell rings) My kind of maniac.
I'll get it.
126
00:04:31,535 --> 00:04:33,336
(Ring) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
127
00:04:33,370 --> 00:04:34,570
(Ring)
128
00:04:34,588 --> 00:04:37,573
Come on.
Keep it in your pants.
129
00:04:37,591 --> 00:04:39,175
Hey, Char--
130
00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:44,147
I'll do my best.
131
00:04:46,116 --> 00:04:47,984
- Charlie?
- Yeah.
132
00:04:48,018 --> 00:04:49,919
- Of course. (Chuckles)
- (Chuckles)
133
00:04:49,937 --> 00:04:51,771
- Come in.
- Thank you.
134
00:04:53,557 --> 00:04:55,558
(Vanessa laughs) (Rebecca)
How do you possibly
135
00:04:55,592 --> 00:04:57,293
- get banned from a hot dog cart?
- Ohh. Oh.
136
00:04:57,327 --> 00:04:59,529
Look, when they start
watering down their mustard,
137
00:04:59,563 --> 00:05:02,398
I have a civic duty to start
screaming things at people.
138
00:05:02,433 --> 00:05:04,400
- I would do the same thing.
- You do do the same thing.
139
00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:05,868
I won't go to the movies
with her anymore
140
00:05:05,903 --> 00:05:07,203
'cause she's always
yelling at the screen.
141
00:05:07,237 --> 00:05:08,204
(Mike and Vanessa) Mm.
142
00:05:08,238 --> 00:05:09,572
- Mm.
- I'm sorry,
143
00:05:09,606 --> 00:05:12,041
but when 20 bad guys are
firing at Matt Damon,
144
00:05:12,076 --> 00:05:15,161
and they all miss, I'm gonna
shout some profanity.
145
00:05:15,212 --> 00:05:17,346
Well, what about this?
146
00:05:17,381 --> 00:05:18,548
He shoots 50 people, never reloads.
147
00:05:18,582 --> 00:05:20,083
I could sell a thousand
of those guns.
148
00:05:20,117 --> 00:05:21,084
I'll tell you that right now.
149
00:05:21,118 --> 00:05:22,718
(Laughs)
150
00:05:22,753 --> 00:05:23,786
They think we're idiots.
151
00:05:23,804 --> 00:05:24,921
Yeah. It's insulting is what it is.
152
00:05:24,955 --> 00:05:26,622
(Chuckles) Now you saw
that movie twice.
153
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,257
You even bought the DVD.
154
00:05:28,292 --> 00:05:30,026
I like being angry.
155
00:05:30,060 --> 00:05:31,961
(Laughs) (Chuckles)
There's no better feeling.
156
00:05:31,995 --> 00:05:33,129
All right, it's late.
157
00:05:33,147 --> 00:05:34,514
We should probably go.
158
00:05:34,565 --> 00:05:36,065
- Oh, man. Boy, this has been fun.
- Ohh. This was nice.
159
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:37,817
- (Mike and Vanessa) Yeah.
- Mike, I gotta be honest.
160
00:05:37,851 --> 00:05:39,569
I really didn't want
to come here tonight.
161
00:05:39,603 --> 00:05:42,738
There's nothing I dread more
than "meeting the neighbors."
162
00:05:42,773 --> 00:05:44,240
Hey, you're singing to the choir.
163
00:05:44,274 --> 00:05:45,241
Just 'cause your lawns touch
164
00:05:45,275 --> 00:05:47,693
doesn't mean you gotta be friends.
165
00:05:47,744 --> 00:05:51,080
Really? You two are bonding
over how much you hate bonding?
166
00:05:52,749 --> 00:05:55,251
Vanessa, Charlie and I are going
to the antique fair on Sunday.
167
00:05:55,285 --> 00:05:56,502
Oh, I'd love to go to that.
168
00:05:56,537 --> 00:05:58,020
Oh, good.
Now I don't have to.
169
00:05:58,055 --> 00:05:59,655
(Both chuckle)
170
00:05:59,673 --> 00:06:01,791
- Hey, listen, it's supposed to warm up this weekend...
- Mm-hmm.
171
00:06:01,825 --> 00:06:03,543
So while the ladies are perusing...
172
00:06:03,594 --> 00:06:05,361
- (Under breath) Old crap...
- (Chuckles) Yeah.
173
00:06:05,395 --> 00:06:06,496
(Normal voice)
What do you say you drag out
174
00:06:06,530 --> 00:06:08,064
that bike you've been boasting about
175
00:06:08,098 --> 00:06:10,433
and see if you can keep up with me?
176
00:06:10,467 --> 00:06:13,936
All right.
I'll lube up the chassis.
177
00:06:13,971 --> 00:06:16,338
Get the bike ready, too.
178
00:06:18,275 --> 00:06:20,359
Good times. (Chuckles)
179
00:06:20,394 --> 00:06:21,727
So should, uh...
180
00:06:21,778 --> 00:06:24,030
Uh, should Rebecca and I be jealous?
181
00:06:24,064 --> 00:06:27,617
No, the only man Charlie would
cross over for is John Elway.
182
00:06:27,651 --> 00:06:28,951
Same with Mike.
183
00:06:28,986 --> 00:06:31,037
(All laugh)
184
00:06:31,071 --> 00:06:33,372
Good night.
185
00:06:33,407 --> 00:06:35,124
See ya, guys.
186
00:06:40,181 --> 00:06:41,582
Travis won't call me back.
187
00:06:41,617 --> 00:06:44,352
Well, technically, your message
didn't say "call me back."
188
00:06:44,386 --> 00:06:47,321
It said, "I hope you die."
189
00:06:47,356 --> 00:06:50,074
He knows that
that means "call me back."
190
00:06:51,493 --> 00:06:53,828
Oh, my God. I have an idea.
Okay, guys.
191
00:06:53,862 --> 00:06:55,496
When Britney and Justin
broke up, what did he do?
192
00:06:55,531 --> 00:06:57,081
Um, hook up with what's-her-name.
193
00:06:57,115 --> 00:06:58,583
- Before that.
- Hook up with what's-her-name.
194
00:06:58,617 --> 00:07:00,234
- Before that.
- Oh.
195
00:07:00,252 --> 00:07:02,203
- (Both) Hook up with what's-her-name!
- No! Everyone, shut up. No.
196
00:07:02,237 --> 00:07:04,288
He made "Cry Me a River,"
197
00:07:04,339 --> 00:07:06,674
the single greatest
revenge breakup video
198
00:07:06,708 --> 00:07:08,793
of all time, and that's our move.
199
00:07:08,844 --> 00:07:10,478
But he's Justin Timberlake.
200
00:07:10,512 --> 00:07:14,215
So what? We--we are
The Inglorious Baxters,
201
00:07:14,249 --> 00:07:15,433
and we are going to make
202
00:07:15,467 --> 00:07:18,219
the new greatest revenge
breakup video of all time.
203
00:07:18,253 --> 00:07:19,554
We? No, no, no, no, no.
No. No, no.
204
00:07:19,588 --> 00:07:20,555
Do not drag me into this.
205
00:07:20,589 --> 00:07:21,722
Kristin, look at me.
206
00:07:21,757 --> 00:07:24,642
I will give you 20 hours
of free babysitting.
207
00:07:24,693 --> 00:07:27,361
Let's shoot it right here
in the diner.
208
00:07:27,396 --> 00:07:28,563
Hey, Eve. Listen to me.
209
00:07:28,597 --> 00:07:29,830
I know you don't like to dance,
but hear me out.
210
00:07:29,865 --> 00:07:33,901
Whoa. I do like to dance.
211
00:07:33,935 --> 00:07:36,454
Moving on.
212
00:07:36,488 --> 00:07:38,573
Travis wants pie, huh?
(Chuckles) Oh.
213
00:07:38,607 --> 00:07:42,743
I'm gonna give him pie till he cries.
214
00:07:42,778 --> 00:07:43,911
The song will be called "pie rack."
215
00:07:43,945 --> 00:07:45,546
(Claps hands) Yes.
216
00:07:45,581 --> 00:07:46,914
Okay, we roll camera phones
after closing.
217
00:07:46,948 --> 00:07:48,666
That gives me
approximately 45 minutes
218
00:07:48,717 --> 00:07:51,586
to conceptualize, write, score,
choreograph the whole thing.
219
00:07:51,620 --> 00:07:52,787
It's not gonna be easy.
220
00:07:52,821 --> 00:07:55,223
I'm not used to work
of any kind. (Chuckles)
221
00:07:55,257 --> 00:07:57,341
Do you need to go somewhere quiet?
222
00:07:57,392 --> 00:08:00,027
I don't even know. (Sighs)
223
00:08:01,563 --> 00:08:04,015
There's something about
that Charlie I like.
224
00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:05,850
Well, of course.
She's exactly like you.
225
00:08:05,901 --> 00:08:07,201
(Scoffs) It's not...
(Clattering)
226
00:08:07,236 --> 00:08:08,369
It's not that.
227
00:08:08,403 --> 00:08:10,521
I mean, she's smart,
insightful, and funny.
228
00:08:10,572 --> 00:08:11,539
Oh, I get your point.
229
00:08:11,573 --> 00:08:13,541
Yeah.
230
00:08:13,575 --> 00:08:14,775
(Dishes clatter)
231
00:08:14,810 --> 00:08:16,410
I just think it's kinda weird,
232
00:08:16,445 --> 00:08:18,879
you planning a whole day
with another woman.
233
00:08:18,914 --> 00:08:20,698
I mean, it's...
I could barely get you
234
00:08:20,749 --> 00:08:22,700
to even come to our rehearsal dinner.
235
00:08:22,751 --> 00:08:24,552
What's to rehearse about dinner?
236
00:08:24,586 --> 00:08:27,388
You eat. You go home.
237
00:08:27,422 --> 00:08:30,374
And why is she any different
than Phillip at your office?
238
00:08:30,425 --> 00:08:32,209
- No, no, no.
- You know, you guys go shopping together.
239
00:08:32,261 --> 00:08:33,711
He's in the dressing room with you.
240
00:08:33,762 --> 00:08:35,713
No, it's different. It is.
241
00:08:35,764 --> 00:08:37,064
Why is it different?
242
00:08:37,099 --> 00:08:38,899
Why is it okay for a woman
to have gay male friends
243
00:08:38,934 --> 00:08:40,501
and it's not the other way around?
244
00:08:40,519 --> 00:08:44,021
How come I can't have a gaggle
of lesbians hanging out with me?
245
00:08:47,643 --> 00:08:50,061
(Sighs)
246
00:08:50,112 --> 00:08:52,747
I wish I could be a lesbian.
247
00:08:53,949 --> 00:08:55,950
It's not that hard.
248
00:08:57,352 --> 00:08:59,070
No.
249
00:08:59,121 --> 00:09:01,289
What I mean is, uh... (Sighs)
It must be nice to have
250
00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:03,857
a partner you can share
your clothes with.
251
00:09:03,875 --> 00:09:06,744
When one talks,
the second one really listens,
252
00:09:06,795 --> 00:09:09,797
and when the second one talks,
the first one really listens.
253
00:09:09,831 --> 00:09:13,250
Boy... (Chuckles)
I could never be a lesbian.
254
00:09:15,337 --> 00:09:16,704
Okay. Thank you so much.
255
00:09:16,738 --> 00:09:19,674
Yes. Been such a pleasure
waiting for you to leave.
256
00:09:19,708 --> 00:09:21,475
(Lock clicks, keys jangle)
257
00:09:21,510 --> 00:09:22,910
Eve, what are you doing?
258
00:09:22,944 --> 00:09:25,946
This is what
real directors do. Just...
259
00:09:25,981 --> 00:09:27,748
Okay, can you just turn
the camera on, please?
260
00:09:27,783 --> 00:09:29,883
All right.
Places, everybody.
261
00:09:29,901 --> 00:09:33,053
Rehearsal. Now remember,
we are all waitresses,
262
00:09:33,071 --> 00:09:36,157
we all hate Travis,
and we're all holding pies, yes?
263
00:09:36,191 --> 00:09:37,775
So just, um, follow my lead,
264
00:09:37,826 --> 00:09:38,776
and then we'll fix
the rest in editing.
265
00:09:38,827 --> 00:09:39,960
(Clicks)
266
00:09:39,995 --> 00:09:42,830
(Instrumental R&B/hip-hop playing)
267
00:09:44,065 --> 00:09:46,450
Now you break it down. Go.
268
00:09:49,738 --> 00:09:52,707
♪ Apple, cherry, lemon meringue ♪
269
00:09:52,741 --> 00:09:55,209
♪ I wake, I bake, I do my thang ♪
270
00:09:55,243 --> 00:09:57,411
♪ sad to say,
I'll never take you back ♪
271
00:09:57,429 --> 00:10:01,298
♪ so wave good-bye to my pie rack ♪
272
00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:04,352
♪ her pie rack ♪
273
00:10:04,386 --> 00:10:06,821
♪ my pie rack ♪
274
00:10:06,855 --> 00:10:08,922
♪ her pie rack ♪
275
00:10:08,940 --> 00:10:10,691
♪ p-p-p-p-p-pie rack ♪
276
00:10:10,726 --> 00:10:11,692
(Gasps)
277
00:10:11,727 --> 00:10:13,927
Eve.
278
00:10:13,945 --> 00:10:15,930
What?
279
00:10:17,833 --> 00:10:20,768
Hey, Kyle. If your chest
were more concave,
280
00:10:20,802 --> 00:10:23,170
we could fill it with birdseed.
281
00:10:23,205 --> 00:10:25,439
(Chuckles) Good one, sir.
282
00:10:25,457 --> 00:10:27,775
- Uh, say, Mr. Alzate...
- Huh? Yeah.
283
00:10:27,809 --> 00:10:29,777
Ahem.
284
00:10:29,811 --> 00:10:31,612
"Did you drive to work today,
285
00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:35,616
"or--and this is more likely--
286
00:10:35,650 --> 00:10:38,886
did you get chased here
by dinosaurs?"
287
00:10:40,589 --> 00:10:42,356
(Sighs)
288
00:10:42,391 --> 00:10:44,625
Kyle, you, by far, are
the most inept ballbuster
289
00:10:44,659 --> 00:10:46,093
I've ever met.
290
00:10:46,127 --> 00:10:48,295
Oh.
291
00:10:48,330 --> 00:10:50,231
"Oh, no, you didn't."
292
00:10:57,439 --> 00:10:59,473
I'm looking forward
to that ride with Charlie.
293
00:10:59,491 --> 00:11:02,576
Oh, you're fooling
yourself, Mike. Come on.
294
00:11:02,611 --> 00:11:05,679
You cannot be friends with a woman.
295
00:11:05,714 --> 00:11:08,682
What are you talking about?
We both have women friends.
296
00:11:08,717 --> 00:11:12,386
Not me. I have lovers.
297
00:11:13,955 --> 00:11:16,724
You make that word sound creepy.
298
00:11:16,758 --> 00:11:18,225
Lovers.
299
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:20,261
Stop it.
300
00:11:20,295 --> 00:11:23,397
Besides... (Chuckles)
Charlie's actually, uh,
301
00:11:23,432 --> 00:11:24,899
more like a guy.
302
00:11:24,933 --> 00:11:26,267
Yeah? In what way?
303
00:11:26,301 --> 00:11:28,369
Uh, she likes women.
304
00:11:28,403 --> 00:11:31,972
Oh, I wasn't aware
of her sapphic leanings.
305
00:11:32,006 --> 00:11:34,775
She's not leaning.
She's tipped all the way over.
306
00:11:34,810 --> 00:11:36,477
Mm.
307
00:11:36,511 --> 00:11:39,380
No doubt to the great delight
of her lovers.
308
00:11:39,414 --> 00:11:42,082
Shut up.
309
00:11:42,117 --> 00:11:44,452
So your new friend has,
uh, a predilection
310
00:11:44,486 --> 00:11:47,588
for the secret garden, hmm?
311
00:11:47,622 --> 00:11:49,323
Let's not judge, Ed.
312
00:11:49,357 --> 00:11:50,407
No, no, no, no, no.
313
00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:52,726
"Live and let love"
is what I always say.
314
00:11:52,761 --> 00:11:54,895
Yeah, but, uh, watch out, Mike.
315
00:11:54,930 --> 00:11:57,231
She may seem like snips
and snails and puppy dog tails,
316
00:11:57,265 --> 00:11:59,066
but inside, a woman is still a woman.
317
00:11:59,100 --> 00:12:00,067
(Chuckles) Mm?
318
00:12:00,101 --> 00:12:01,068
Thank you, Billy Joel.
319
00:12:01,102 --> 00:12:02,903
Mm. I'm just saying,
320
00:12:02,938 --> 00:12:04,472
they're a different animal from us...
321
00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:05,473
- I know.
- A-all right?
322
00:12:05,507 --> 00:12:06,540
- Yeah.
- The way they think,
323
00:12:06,558 --> 00:12:08,509
the way they move,
their generosity as...
324
00:12:08,543 --> 00:12:09,610
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't say it, please.
325
00:12:09,644 --> 00:12:12,913
(Whispers) Lovers.
326
00:12:12,948 --> 00:12:14,915
("Pie rack" playing)
327
00:12:14,950 --> 00:12:17,601
♪ Her pie rack ♪
328
00:12:17,652 --> 00:12:19,687
♪ my pie rack ♪
329
00:12:19,721 --> 00:12:21,906
(Mouthing words) ♪ her pie rack ♪
330
00:12:21,940 --> 00:12:24,258
(Mouths words) ♪ p-p-p-p-p-pie rack ♪
331
00:12:24,292 --> 00:12:25,459
♪ ow ♪
332
00:12:26,962 --> 00:12:27,912
Aw.
333
00:12:27,946 --> 00:12:29,246
- Hmm?
- Hey, mama.
334
00:12:29,281 --> 00:12:32,266
Look at the three of you working
on a project together,
335
00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:34,418
just like when you were
little girls on a rainy day.
336
00:12:34,452 --> 00:12:35,586
(Chuckles) Mm.
337
00:12:35,620 --> 00:12:36,670
What you working on?
338
00:12:36,705 --> 00:12:40,140
Uh, we're cyberbullying.
339
00:12:41,793 --> 00:12:45,179
Okay, well, just clean up after
yourselves when you're done.
340
00:12:45,213 --> 00:12:46,180
(Engine revs)
341
00:12:46,214 --> 00:12:47,431
Oh, there goes dad,
342
00:12:47,465 --> 00:12:48,883
off to meet his new girlfriend.
343
00:12:48,917 --> 00:12:51,952
Which reminds me, I gotta go
pick up mine. (Chuckles)
344
00:12:51,987 --> 00:12:53,187
We're going antiquing.
345
00:12:53,221 --> 00:12:54,555
Oh, that sounds fun.
346
00:12:54,589 --> 00:12:55,556
Yeah, doesn't it?
347
00:12:55,590 --> 00:12:57,608
(Chuckles) No.
348
00:12:57,642 --> 00:13:00,928
Do you guys think Rebecca
and Charlie ever fight,
349
00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:03,096
or do they just talk
350
00:13:03,114 --> 00:13:04,899
and share for hours
351
00:13:04,933 --> 00:13:06,901
and agree on things
352
00:13:06,935 --> 00:13:10,804
and wander around farmers' markets?
353
00:13:10,839 --> 00:13:14,041
Mom, are you jealous of lesbians?
354
00:13:15,110 --> 00:13:17,244
No. (Chuckles) No, no.
355
00:13:17,278 --> 00:13:21,615
Honey, I've made my choices,
and I am stuck with them.
356
00:13:27,455 --> 00:13:30,591
So how did my exhaust taste?
357
00:13:30,625 --> 00:13:33,093
Better than those sandwiches
you made us stop for.
358
00:13:33,127 --> 00:13:35,663
Those weren't sandwiches.
Those were paninis.
359
00:13:35,697 --> 00:13:37,064
Paninis?
360
00:13:37,098 --> 00:13:38,566
I think that's the gayest thing
I've ever heard.
361
00:13:40,569 --> 00:13:42,436
(Chuckles) That's just
'cause you're a sore loser.
362
00:13:42,470 --> 00:13:45,272
Oh, please.
I let you pass me.
363
00:13:45,307 --> 00:13:48,409
Sort of a senior discount.
364
00:13:48,443 --> 00:13:51,445
Speaking of discount,
that leather jacket's nice.
365
00:13:51,479 --> 00:13:54,682
I didn't know that goodwill
had a gay section.
366
00:13:54,716 --> 00:13:58,118
Oh. (Laughing loudly)
Oh, that's so... oh.
367
00:13:58,153 --> 00:13:59,620
See, that's how lesbians laugh
368
00:13:59,654 --> 00:14:01,422
when they think
something's not funny.
369
00:14:01,456 --> 00:14:03,123
Are you thirsty?
370
00:14:03,157 --> 00:14:05,042
Let's watch a little bit
of the Bronco game.
371
00:14:05,093 --> 00:14:06,210
Read my mind.
(Chuckles)
372
00:14:06,261 --> 00:14:08,062
Now seriously, why do you think
373
00:14:08,096 --> 00:14:09,880
my bike's getting loose
on the corners?
374
00:14:09,931 --> 00:14:11,548
Well, with your low center
of gravity,
375
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:14,068
you should be carving up those turns.
376
00:14:14,102 --> 00:14:15,886
What--what does that mean?
377
00:14:15,937 --> 00:14:17,571
Well, you've heard
of "junk in the trunk."
378
00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:20,074
You've got a whole garage sale
going on back there.
379
00:14:20,108 --> 00:14:21,408
(Chuckles)
380
00:14:21,443 --> 00:14:23,694
You think I have a big butt?
381
00:14:23,728 --> 00:14:25,746
Well, it's bigger
than this one down here.
382
00:14:25,780 --> 00:14:27,147
(Chuckles)
383
00:14:27,181 --> 00:14:29,116
I think I'm gonna go.
384
00:14:29,150 --> 00:14:31,785
Why? The game's gonna start
in, like, 20 minutes.
385
00:14:31,820 --> 00:14:33,153
No, that's all right.
386
00:14:33,187 --> 00:14:35,739
I don't want to take up
too much space on your couch.
387
00:14:35,790 --> 00:14:38,792
Oh, come on. I took a shot.
I was just kidding around.
388
00:14:38,827 --> 00:14:40,094
See ya later.
389
00:14:40,128 --> 00:14:41,762
(Chuckles)
(Door closes)
390
00:14:41,796 --> 00:14:43,097
This is what straight guys look like
391
00:14:43,131 --> 00:14:44,598
when they're real uncomfortable.
392
00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:47,834
(Chuckles)
393
00:14:51,411 --> 00:14:52,627
(Football playing on TV)
(Door closes)
394
00:14:52,747 --> 00:14:57,139
Mike?
What did you say to Charlie?
395
00:14:57,173 --> 00:14:59,341
Oh.
(Turns off TV)
396
00:14:59,375 --> 00:15:03,028
I might have intimated that
she's got a big caboose.
397
00:15:03,062 --> 00:15:04,546
What?
398
00:15:04,580 --> 00:15:05,847
You know, we were just
taking shots at each other.
399
00:15:05,882 --> 00:15:07,782
I was treating her like
one of the guys.
400
00:15:07,817 --> 00:15:09,151
But she is not one of the guys.
401
00:15:09,185 --> 00:15:10,519
I mean, there is not
a woman in the world
402
00:15:10,553 --> 00:15:12,020
who would think that's funny.
403
00:15:12,054 --> 00:15:14,222
I know that now.
404
00:15:14,257 --> 00:15:16,458
Do you have any idea what it is like
405
00:15:16,492 --> 00:15:19,311
to come back from a day of
antiquing with your new friend
406
00:15:19,362 --> 00:15:21,830
and find her partner crying
in her motorcycle clothes
407
00:15:21,864 --> 00:15:23,465
on the front porch?
408
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,902
No, I do not.
409
00:15:26,936 --> 00:15:31,272
Well, it's... weird. (Sighs)
410
00:15:31,290 --> 00:15:32,874
Yeah, and now Rebecca's mad at me
411
00:15:32,909 --> 00:15:34,776
because Charlie's mad at you,
412
00:15:34,810 --> 00:15:36,778
and I'm mad at you because
Rebecca's mad at me... (Sighs)
413
00:15:36,812 --> 00:15:38,947
So you need to fix things
with Charlie
414
00:15:38,965 --> 00:15:40,615
so that Rebecca and I can be okay.
415
00:15:40,650 --> 00:15:45,654
Hmm. Hmm. Why didn't
she go inside to cry?
416
00:15:45,688 --> 00:15:47,956
Really?
417
00:15:47,974 --> 00:15:50,525
And that's--that's your takeaway?
418
00:15:56,632 --> 00:15:58,433
Mike Baxter for outdoor man
419
00:15:58,467 --> 00:16:00,635
reminding you that
winter huntin' brings off
420
00:16:00,670 --> 00:16:02,487
winter's best friend, hypothermia,
421
00:16:02,522 --> 00:16:04,990
so watch out.
Dress yourself well
422
00:16:05,024 --> 00:16:06,408
in down-filled coats
you can buy at our store.
423
00:16:06,442 --> 00:16:08,076
You got gloves that look like
aliens like this.
424
00:16:08,110 --> 00:16:09,744
(Babbling)
425
00:16:09,779 --> 00:16:11,746
You got fiberfill.
You know what?
426
00:16:11,781 --> 00:16:14,916
The best defense
against winter--thick skin.
427
00:16:14,951 --> 00:16:16,418
Let me explain.
428
00:16:16,452 --> 00:16:19,754
You want to know the gender
of the animals out there?
429
00:16:19,789 --> 00:16:21,756
Mention the size of their rear ends.
430
00:16:21,791 --> 00:16:23,592
A lot of junk in that trunk!
431
00:16:23,626 --> 00:16:25,260
See the one turning and charging me?
432
00:16:25,294 --> 00:16:26,928
Gotta be the female.
433
00:16:28,998 --> 00:16:32,100
That's right. When did they get
so sensitive about their rumps?
434
00:16:32,134 --> 00:16:33,868
A wide ride used to mean fertility.
435
00:16:33,903 --> 00:16:35,971
That's right. Yeah.
436
00:16:36,005 --> 00:16:38,339
We domesticated the ass,
what, 3,000 years ago?
437
00:16:38,357 --> 00:16:40,341
But you'd better not mention
the size of an ass
438
00:16:40,359 --> 00:16:43,695
unless it's carrying your gold
back from the mine.
439
00:16:43,729 --> 00:16:47,415
You think it's cold out here?
Wait till I get home.
440
00:16:55,258 --> 00:16:57,292
(Clears throat) So...
441
00:16:57,326 --> 00:16:59,794
How's your new gal pal, Mikey?
442
00:16:59,829 --> 00:17:02,380
Not so good.
443
00:17:02,415 --> 00:17:04,399
I said something wrong,
and she snapped.
444
00:17:04,433 --> 00:17:05,734
(Singsongy) I told you.
445
00:17:05,768 --> 00:17:07,302
But she tricked me.
446
00:17:07,336 --> 00:17:09,738
I thought it was a man
in the shape of a woman.
447
00:17:09,772 --> 00:17:13,808
Turns out to be a woman
in the shape of a woman.
448
00:17:13,843 --> 00:17:17,512
Just because she likes women
doesn't make her less of one.
449
00:17:17,546 --> 00:17:19,314
Well, it ought to.
450
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:21,900
Uh, Mr. Alzate?
451
00:17:21,934 --> 00:17:23,234
Yeah.
Uh, your doctor called,
452
00:17:23,269 --> 00:17:26,087
and you're late
for your prostate exam...
453
00:17:26,122 --> 00:17:28,957
By 35 years.
454
00:17:32,628 --> 00:17:34,529
Wow. You--you're really
getting the hang of it now.
455
00:17:34,563 --> 00:17:36,698
(Chuckles)
456
00:17:36,732 --> 00:17:38,533
No, I don't think
you're hearing me right.
457
00:17:38,567 --> 00:17:40,251
(Chuckles) Oh.
You're on fire, man.
458
00:17:40,286 --> 00:17:42,170
Come on.
No, I-I don't--
459
00:17:42,204 --> 00:17:45,140
(chuckles) Hey, Kyle, Kyle.
Kyle, take the victory.
460
00:17:48,644 --> 00:17:51,596
Well, Travis saw the video,
and now he wants me back.
461
00:17:51,631 --> 00:17:54,599
He left me one, two, three,
four, five crying messages,
462
00:17:54,634 --> 00:17:56,601
which are all available
as audio downloads
463
00:17:56,636 --> 00:17:57,602
on my home page.
464
00:17:57,637 --> 00:17:58,887
(Snaps cell phone shut)
465
00:17:58,921 --> 00:18:00,121
(Door closes)
466
00:18:00,156 --> 00:18:02,290
So how does it feel
to clear your life of men?
467
00:18:02,325 --> 00:18:04,559
Awesome. You know, I think
this will be good for me,
468
00:18:04,593 --> 00:18:07,646
like, a time of focus
and self-renewal.
469
00:18:07,697 --> 00:18:09,864
Wow. This is a whole new side to you.
470
00:18:09,899 --> 00:18:11,566
Ooh.
400 boys posted comments?
471
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,401
And there's the old side.
472
00:18:13,435 --> 00:18:16,504
All right. I'm going
to the movies with Kyle.
473
00:18:16,539 --> 00:18:17,605
And I am gonna go on a first date
474
00:18:17,623 --> 00:18:19,607
with Dylan Damischek.
Oh, no, no, no.
475
00:18:19,625 --> 00:18:21,793
Seth Thornton.
"Mandy Thornton."
476
00:18:21,827 --> 00:18:22,911
Ooh. No, no, no. Boyd Baxter.
477
00:18:22,945 --> 00:18:24,746
Oh, who's he?
Uh, my son, your nephew,
478
00:18:24,780 --> 00:18:26,748
and the kid you promised
you'd babysit tonight.
479
00:18:26,782 --> 00:18:29,801
He will want you to read
this book 20 to 30 times.
480
00:18:30,970 --> 00:18:33,672
Come on. I don't want
to stay in tonight.
481
00:18:33,723 --> 00:18:36,191
Oh, my God. So many hot guys
are poking me right now.
482
00:18:36,225 --> 00:18:37,291
(Giggling)
483
00:18:37,309 --> 00:18:38,476
(Mouths words)
484
00:18:42,297 --> 00:18:43,932
Are you trying to kill me?
485
00:18:43,966 --> 00:18:46,768
(Chuckles) Daddy, it's an expression.
486
00:18:46,802 --> 00:18:48,937
But a terrible one.
487
00:18:48,971 --> 00:18:50,105
Has anyone poked me?
488
00:18:50,139 --> 00:18:51,606
(Chuckles) Could we?
489
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,275
(Laughs)
490
00:18:54,310 --> 00:18:56,111
- (Eve and Vanessa) Hey.
- (Chuckles)
491
00:18:56,145 --> 00:18:58,780
(Chuckles) Ooh.
What do you have there?
492
00:18:58,814 --> 00:19:00,165
An apology gift. I'm gonna
go over to Charlie's
493
00:19:00,199 --> 00:19:01,916
and try to smooth things out
with her.
494
00:19:01,951 --> 00:19:04,586
Oh. Well, you've never given me
a gift when you apologize.
495
00:19:04,620 --> 00:19:05,870
I would go broke.
496
00:19:05,921 --> 00:19:08,089
Oh. (Chuckles)
497
00:19:08,124 --> 00:19:10,041
It's a little skull
and crossbones key chain.
498
00:19:10,092 --> 00:19:12,127
It will go with her bandanna.
You think she'll like it?
499
00:19:12,161 --> 00:19:16,564
I don't know. We're in
some weird territory here.
500
00:19:16,599 --> 00:19:17,849
Want me to go with you?
501
00:19:17,883 --> 00:19:19,718
No. It's one of those times in life
502
00:19:19,769 --> 00:19:24,372
that a man has to apologize
to a lesbian by himself.
503
00:19:24,407 --> 00:19:26,408
Don't try to joke your way out of it.
504
00:19:26,442 --> 00:19:27,726
Just say "I'm sorry"
505
00:19:27,777 --> 00:19:29,577
and get out of there
as quickly as possible.
506
00:19:29,612 --> 00:19:31,229
Right.
Just like our honeymoon.
507
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,314
(Both chuckle)
508
00:19:33,348 --> 00:19:35,083
Maybe you should just write a note.
509
00:19:35,117 --> 00:19:37,152
All right.
I'll be back when--
510
00:19:37,186 --> 00:19:39,387
oh, hey. I was just coming
over to your house.
511
00:19:39,422 --> 00:19:40,521
Oh. Can I come in?
512
00:19:40,539 --> 00:19:42,323
- Yeah, please.
- Thanks.
513
00:19:42,357 --> 00:19:47,095
Um... listen, uh, sometimes
I forget that there's
514
00:19:47,129 --> 00:19:49,464
ways of connecting
that don't involve insults.
515
00:19:49,498 --> 00:19:51,833
Actually, uh, I came
to say I'm sorry.
516
00:19:51,867 --> 00:19:53,001
You're sorry?
517
00:19:53,035 --> 00:19:54,803
Yeah. I overreacted.
518
00:19:54,837 --> 00:19:57,071
Rebecca reminded me that
if I'm gonna hang out with a guy
519
00:19:57,106 --> 00:20:00,041
and dish it out, that I've
gotta be willing to take it.
520
00:20:00,075 --> 00:20:02,343
Having said that, if you so much
as mention my ass again...
521
00:20:02,378 --> 00:20:04,179
(Chuckles) I will clock you.
522
00:20:04,213 --> 00:20:06,114
- Right. Hey.
- Is that for me?
523
00:20:06,148 --> 00:20:07,982
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh. Thanks.
524
00:20:08,017 --> 00:20:09,234
Uh, do you have time for a beer?
525
00:20:09,268 --> 00:20:10,819
No. I'll take a rain check.
526
00:20:10,853 --> 00:20:12,287
I gotta get back to
the ball and chain. (Chuckles)
527
00:20:12,321 --> 00:20:13,988
Oh. Rebecca, huh?
528
00:20:14,023 --> 00:20:15,440
No. Our new toy.
529
00:20:15,491 --> 00:20:17,559
Therapist thinks we need
to bring the surprise back
530
00:20:17,593 --> 00:20:19,527
to our romance, you know what I mean?
531
00:20:19,561 --> 00:20:21,062
(Chuckles)
532
00:20:30,409 --> 00:20:33,144
("Pie rack" playing)
533
00:20:33,179 --> 00:20:34,896
♪ So when you wake up ♪
534
00:20:34,931 --> 00:20:36,381
♪ and begin to wonder why ♪
535
00:20:36,415 --> 00:20:39,050
♪ your day no longer starts
with my key lime pie ♪
536
00:20:39,068 --> 00:20:40,619
♪ should have thought of me ♪
537
00:20:40,653 --> 00:20:42,153
♪ as more than just a snack ♪
538
00:20:42,188 --> 00:20:44,189
♪ the content of my character,
not the content of my rack ♪
539
00:20:44,223 --> 00:20:45,323
♪ ow ♪
540
00:20:45,358 --> 00:20:46,691
♪ should have shown some respect ♪
541
00:20:46,725 --> 00:20:48,159
♪ checked your behavior ♪
542
00:20:48,194 --> 00:20:50,729
♪ soon another guy will enjoy
your favorite flavor ♪
543
00:20:50,763 --> 00:20:53,031
Boysenberry bliss,
as a matter of fact.
544
00:20:53,065 --> 00:20:57,002
♪ 'Cause ain't nothin' sweeter
than Mandy's pie rack ♪
545
00:20:57,036 --> 00:20:59,421
♪ her pie rack ♪
546
00:20:59,455 --> 00:21:02,123
♪ my pie rack ♪
547
00:21:02,174 --> 00:21:04,459
♪ her pie rack ♪
548
00:21:04,510 --> 00:21:06,544
♪ p-p-p-p-p-pie rack ♪
549
00:21:06,562 --> 00:21:08,730
♪ ow ♪
550
00:21:08,764 --> 00:21:12,517
(Clears throat) Well, well, well.
551
00:21:12,551 --> 00:21:15,220
- You have done the impossible.
- Thanks.
552
00:21:15,254 --> 00:21:17,656
You've ruined pie for me.
553
00:21:22,610 --> 00:21:25,560
Sync and corrected by Gatto
Resync WEB-DL Katniss Everdeen
for www.addic7ed.com