Hey.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
The DVD's already in,
and I paused it from the last time that we watched it.
Just get your ass on the couch, okay?
I need to be watching Friday Night Lights right now.
Are you kidding me?
You don't think that I haven't been obsessing me all day?
You don't think that it's killing me
that I don't know if they won the state championship?
- Now before I hit play... - Mm-hmm.
Does anybody have to go to the bathroom?
No. Wait a second. No.
[Upbeat music plays]
- Mm. - Even this music gets me.
It's like being back on the field, right?
The smell of the grass and the sweat in your helmet...
Shh, shh, shh.
I never played football.
Shh, shh.
- Shh, shh. - Ba... babe.
You just did sleepy jerk.
- Mm-mm. - Yeah, you did.
- You just did sleepy jerk. - No, I didn't.
I just watched you come out of a sleepy jerk.
I didn't... watching it together. I'm fine.
- Just go. - All right.
[Scoffs] Wait for me.
Sync and correction by Mlmlte www.addic7ed.com
♪
[Baby laughs]
Who's ready to be empowered
through the ancient fighting art of Taekwondo?
Yoo-hoo! Master Hu.
[Laughs] Ah, that never gets old.
- It does, though. - But not really.
- [Grunts] - Wow.
He is an amazing teacher.
This is gonna be a hell of a show.
Yeah, I think so.
We can do a whole series of it
Master Hu, what is the belt that will allow me
to catch a fly with chopsticks?
You guys, I think you'd better check this out.
Ah... ha!
Ah!
- Oh, my God! - Oh, no.
She stole our show. Again.
Discipline, power, inspiration.
Today on Shayna.
Oh, barf. Come on.
I used to be sad,
stuck inside a thick and heavy shell.
I couldn't even get out of my bedroom door.
But now there's no door I can't walk through.
Welcome to my whole new world.
I'm Shayna.
Don't just grow, blossom.
Ugh! That Shayna steals everything.
I mean, that's basically your catch phrase.
Plus she's got a better looking Sensei.
No offense, master Hu.
I mean, we pried her from that trailer like a canned ham.
We helped her lose that weight, we put her on TV,
and then how does she pay us back?
By leaving us for her own competing show.
And not once... not once did that woman say thank you.
I'm sure this is a coincidence.
Why do you have such a blind spot
when it comes to her, Ava?
Because she loves me.
We used to do this cooking segment, master Hu,
and she'd yell, "spice it up,"
and then I'd call back, "how spicy?"
Ugh, it was like watching Venus and Serena.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm putting an end to this right now.
We are gonna have a little sit-down with miss Shayna Mund.
This is all so stressful.
Do you do massage?
Did you hear Rowan's mom by the swings?
Oh, my God.
I was trying to catch your eye.
She's gonna get a moped so she can "tool around."
Tool around.
First of all, who gets a moped, "a"?
And "b," who says, "tool around"?
Yeah. "Hi, I'm tooling around."
"Have you seen me tooling?"
That's so what she would do.
I love it when other moms are idiots.
It makes me feel so much better.
I know.
Oh, you're watching Friday Night Lights?
Uh, yeah, well, we've watched most of it.
Just haven't got to the finale yet.
Me neither. Gary came home and sacked out.
Reagan did the same thing.
- He was snoring. - She was twitching.
And then her head fell back and her mouth was agape,
and I was like...
No, I... I want to watch it so bad.
I just...
They don't have to know.
Laura, we can't...
It's in there right now, isn't it?
Let's do it.
Laura, don't.
What if my finger
accidentally brushed against the button?
You would just be an innocent bystander.
God, your finger is so close.
Laura, I... I can't.
- Be cool. - Laura, I'm married.
- Be cool. - There's a trust. My daughter.
Be cool.
Marriage requires...
- Oops. - Maturity.
Marriage requires...
You are bad.
But if this is wrong,
I do not want to be right.
Shh.
Oh, there she is.
Ava and the ray-gun.
Oh, my goodness.
Get over here. Put it in here right now.
Get it in. Get it in. Get it in.
Bring it in. Oh... oh my goodness.
Oh, I miss those little booties.
Oh, I love you girls.
I love you too. We've missed you so much.
- Keep it under control. - You know what?
I ordered us a bottle of whispering angel.
- No. - Just like old times.
Oh, I've been so meaning to get together with you girls,
but as you know it is just crazy busy
when you have your own talk show.
It's just gnarly.
Ava and Shayna together.
I knew you two were friends.
I used to watch you on Ava's show.
Now you have your own show, and I don't know who to watch.
Oh, isn't that funny how that works?
When you offer someone an amazing contract extension,
and then they stab you in the back
by stealing your Sensei idea?
It's amazing.
Who is this mean lady?
Anyway, I just want you two to know
that you a true inspiration.
Oh, thank you.
You are my inspiration.
Keep on watching and growing.
Don't just grow, blossom.
Oh, Reagan, I am sensing
that y'all are a little steamed
over the karate show?
But I can assure you, it was a total coincidence.
- Uh-huh. - Here's what happened.
We were supposed to do a reunion show
with all of the karate kids,
and then at the last second
Jaden Smith fell through.
What was I supposed to do?
Oh, the pinkett-smiths are so elusive.
My take, they're trying to make too many people happy.
Listen, as a peace offering for our little Sensei screw up,
could I please take you to dinner tonight at Gjelina?
[Gasps] You can get into Gjelina?
Chris and I have been trying to get in there for months.
I can get us in.
- Shut up. - I wanna go right now.
Well, I spoke to the chef, Claudine, and she told me
that she was gonna surprise us with something...
Special? Don't say, "special."
Oh, my God, if you say, "special," I'm gonna [Bleep] My pants.
Okay, I guess I should call Chris.
- Here we go. - "Hi, mom? Can I please..."
- Oh... - Hi, honey. How are you?
How's Amy?
"I'm your legal property, Chris."
"Please, let's make another baby tonight."
I'm gonna hold your little buttocks
like two little peaches in my hands.
Stop it! Um, listen, I, um...
I, uh... I won't be home till later,
because I have to go to a stupid work dinner with Ava,
and she's making me,
and I'll... I'll get fired if I don't go.
Okay, love you. Miss you. Bye.
Jerks. Come on.
All right, why is there no booze in my belly?
{pub}Hi.
- Hey, babe. - Hey.
Guess what. I did it.
Huh?
I finally ordered the p90x workout system.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm gonna shock my metabolism
using, like, muscle confusion and...
Couple weeks I'm gonna shave down,
get so yoked and gross.
Ooh. Wonderful.
How was your dinner?
Oh, you know, work, just blah, blah, blah, whatever.
But I brought you this.
- Oh, thanks. - Mm-hmm.
Mm. [Sniffs]
God, you must be so exhausted.
- Let's get you to bed, huh? - Oh, are you kidding me?
I just had four cups of coffee and a box of nerds.
I am so ready to watch Friday Night Lights.
Let's do this. Yeah.
Well, we don't... we don't need to.
Yes, we do, honey. You've been dying to see it,
and you've been waiting for me.
Come on. It's our thing. Let's go.
Okay.
Wait, those two are doing it?
That's crazy. I didn't know that.
Shh, shh, shh.
I know, I'm just... so surprising.
Shh. [Phone rings]
Oh, yeah, I got it.
Wait, don't... don't we want me to pause it for you?
Yes, no, definitely.
I don't want to miss a second of it.
- I'm just gonna... - Okay.
[Phone beeps]
Hello. Hey, Laura.
Uh, yeah, tomorrow, uh...
Uh, my joint, 2:15.
Uh-huh. I got Mr. balloon.
Amy and I are gonna make some cookies.
I... I hope that Susan, yeah, I hope she tools over too.
I don't know. Who does she look like?
You know what? Let me, um...
Let's... We'll talk about it tomorrow.
I'll have it by then.
Or unless you get it, call me.
Bye.
- Who was that? - Sorry, it was just Laura.
She's one of the...
One of the, uh, the play... Playgroup moms.
Oh, cool. Look at how it paused.
Coach Taylor looks like a beaver, doesn't he?
Like...
It's, like, the only time that dude hasn't looked hot.
Yes, yes, yes.
One second. One second, babe.
Imagine the odds of me pausing it...
- Sorry. - On that frame.
I got it. Hey. No, I got it.
It's, uh, Jimmy Smits.
Yes, Jimmy... no, from Cane.
Yeah. Yeah, Victor Sifuentes is tooling around.
[Laughs]
Right? That would have been the best.
He was laughing on the phone with another woman?
Yes. With Laura.
Ooh, Laura. That is not good.
- Why? - Because all Lauras are hot.
Laura Linney. Laura Dern. Luke and Laura.
Laura bush.
He was just talking with her.
Talking? Believe me, you'd rather them be boning.
God, I hate it when you say, "boning."
The point is emotional cheating is the worst.
I did a whole show on it with Mr. and Mrs. Kelsey Grammers.
So where is Chris right now?
At the house with Laura.
Mm-hmm.
He started a playgroup, okay?
All the kids do all these little activities?
What are these activities?
Lingering glances, one hand brushes up against another,
coy laughter at inside jokes?
He got a balloon guy, okay?
The balloon man.
The balloon man?
- Those are cute. - Mm-hmm.
That is an inside joke waiting to happen.
You need to face the fact that Chris is a gorgeous man
surrounded by lonely, desperate mom people.
And if you say that you don't want
to go down there and check it out, you're lying.
You, my lady friend, are way off.
Okay. There it is.
[Babies crying]
There you go. All right.
Huh.
She loves it.
Oh, I got you there.
[Sighs]
Hi.
I'm Reagan.
I'm Chris' wife of seven years.
It's so nice to meet you.
Listen, I... I just wanted to say
how happy I am that you and Chris are friends.
I mean, really, really, you feel free to call him
or text him or lunch date or spoon,
get comfortable, whatever you want,
because I'm cool with it.
I'm so super down...
With whatever.
Seriously. So...
- Hey. - Hi.
Hey, look, mama's here.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi. Hi, baby.
And little baby boy. Hey.
Hi. Oh, hey.
Hey.
Hi. Honey, great news.
Guess who's getting along really well.
Me and Laura.
- Oh. - Uh, wait. I'm Charlotte.
Yeah, no, babe, this is Laura right here.
Hi.
Oh. You're Laura.
- Yeah. - Oh, my God.
Thank God. Oh, thank God.
I thought that that was...
I mean, it doesn't matter. Oh, God, it's so nice to meet...
Hi. It's so nice to meet you.
Hi. Good to meet you too.
We should go out sometime.
Definitely.
I mean, Chris and me and you and your...
And your significant other.
I mean, I don't want to assume anything.
How about a barbecue tonight?
- Is that crazy? - That's a great idea, honey.
Sounds like fun. I'm free.
You're not invited.
So, I mean, I know it's kind of late notice right now,
but we would be so happy to have you.
Oh, no, I would love it.
You know what we're gonna serve.
Do not say, "veggie pouch," 'cause I will punch you.
[Laughter]
Veggie pouch.
That's funny, 'cause it's...
It's vegetables.
Shayna did it again!
She copied today's show idea.
There's a Latin band and dancers.
She stole our whole salsa show.
What?
Shayna "shole" our "stalsa"...
Uh, Shayna "shole" our "stalsa" sh...
Shayna "shold" sta...
Ugh!
[Salsa music playing]
Hey.
[Music stops]
She screwed us, Reagan. She did it again.
How did she know what show we were doing?
I don't understand.
Well, when you were in the bathroom
I told her everything we were doing.
I was gone for two minutes.
Well, she was asking penetrating questions
in a disarming, non-invasive way.
She's really good.
She learned it from me.
Plus I was half in the bag from that whispering angel.
[Sighs] She fooled me too.
Look at us. We were so good together.
I was with her every step of the way.
I took her from a tadpole to a swan.
Yeah, that's not... That doesn't happen.
And then she left me.
You know, I know it's not politically correct to say this,
but I thought she was nicer when she had biscuit legs.
You know what?
We have not done one cooking segment
since Shayna left our show.
Yeah, I think it's about time we did a new one.
We just need to do our thing.
We are moving on.
Yes, we are.
Excuse me for one second.
Oh. Hey, Reagan.
Uh-oh. Is this about that salsa show?
Gosh, I just do not know how this keeps happening.
What is wrong with you, Shayna?
We have done so much for you, and this is how you treat us?
You know how you sound to me right now?
Bossy, bossy, bossy, blah, blah, blah, jealous.
Well, you know how you sound to me right now?
Thief, backstabber, backstabber,
lipo, lipo, lipo, lipo, bumpkin.
That's cute.
Okay, so you forklifted me off of my Murphy bed
three years ago.
When do I get to stop thanking you?
When you stop stealing from us.
I get it. You're jealous.
- Oh... - I mean, look at me.
- Brother. - I'm hot as hell, right?
I'm thin, my ass is high and tight,
and I am in control.
You know what?
I spent too many years being a loser,
and now I am in it to win it.
I mean, it's a tough business.
We all know that.
But Ava thought of you as a friend, Shayna,
someone that she really cared about.
And you broke her heart.
{pub}Laura, do you want anymore guacamole?
Both: Oh, I could live on guacamole.
I know.
[Laughter]
Sorry, it's just this stupid thing
that Mossen's mom's always saying.
Oh, Mossen's mom can suck it.
[Laughter] God.
Oh. Oh, my God.
Honey, remember the other day
when I... I took a sip of that coffee
and the sharpie got on my nose
and it totally looked like a... You know? Remember?
Remember?
- No. - You do.
You do.
Because, remember, we were at star... bucks.
Starbucks.
Oh, right, yes.
We're always finishing each other's sentences.
- Babe, are you, um... - Okay? Yeah.
- Well, you just seem, like, a little... - Weird? See?
It's just like...
- We should probably go. - Yeah.
We've got to give the sitter a ride,
and we're about to start The Wire, 'cause we finished Friday Night Lights.
How much do you love that show?
- Oh, my God. - I'm so sad it's over.
Last night when I watched the finale,
I'm telling you, I cried more at that finale
than I did at our wedding day.
Oh, good. You got to see the finale.
I'm so glad, because when Chris and I were watching it,
it was like... wow.
- What? - What?
- That's a funny... - Wait a minute.
Chris and I, we watched it together last night.
You had already seen it?
Had I already seen it?
Oh, um...
Uh, boy, I don't even remember the time.
I guess I... if I go back...
I watched it earlier in the day with my friend Laura,
and then I guess I re-enjoyed it with you, yeah.
-
this is awkward.
It's my fault. I made him watch it.
No, it's okay. It's really okay.
He just watched our show with somebody else
and then completely faked it with me.
You've been coming home late every night,
and then you're falling asleep in the first five minutes.
- How important could it be? - Important enough for me to leave
an impossibly amazing dinner with Ava at Gjelina
so that I could rush home to watch it with you.
Okay, fine.
Wait a second. What?
You said that you were at this boring work thing,
and that Ava was making you stay.
You lied to me?
I lied? I lied? You lied. You lied.
And I brought you a really good piece of steak.
Yeah, well, I didn't want your meat swan.
- Gary, we should probably go. - Yeah.
No. No, Gary, stay.
Because Gary and I are gonna watch some TV. Yep.
And we're gonna ooh and aw at all the twists and turns,
and then we're gonna laugh about it all night long.
This is a sad scenario.
Look... oh, perfect. [Phone rings]
Look who it is. It's your little friend Ava.
Maybe you guys want to be out all night partying.
Hey, Ava. Oh, really?
That really funny thing I said earlier?
[Imitates laughter]
So, Fabiano, what are we cooking today?
Well, we'll be making fresh Focaccia
with finely-shaved Capicola.
- Ooh. - Hey, hey, hey.
Who wants to spice it up?
How spicy?
Whoo!
Wow, ladies and gentlemen, I bet you remember this face.
What a surprise, miss Shayna Mund.
Wow.
Hey, who's in the mood
for some fat-free banana pudding?
Shayna, we've kind of moved on
from fat-free banana pudding.
Okay, well, I understand completely.
You know, I just wanted to come by
because, well, I miss this place,
and, you know, if it wasn't for this little lady right here,
I'd still be living in Dogpatch, Oklahoma
with my rescue birds.
- Shayna. - Yeah. You rescued me.
You did.
You enabled me to spread my wings,
and I just wanted to say thank you, Ava.
And thank you.
You're welcome.
Shayna Mund, everyone.
Thank you.
A toast.
Ooh. Now we're talking.
That's very expensive. It's for deglazing.
Can it, Fonzie.
Don't just grow. Blossom.
Oh. Keep watching and growing.
Hear, hear.
Oh, that's good stuff.
- Whoo. - Yeah.
- Hi. - Hey.
Brought you some banana pudding
from the show earlier.
Oh.
You do watch my show, right?
- The Ava Show? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, the one with the...
With all the women sitting around,
getting into ladies' issues, and...
Honey, I'm so sorry that I lied about the dinner.
Babe, I'm sorry that I lied about watching that show with Laura.
It's just, you know, you and I watch our shows together,
and, you know, and goof around and have inside jokes,
and I know it sounds like little things, but...
No. No, they're not.
I just... I need to know that I'm your best friend.
- You are, babe. - Am I?
- Of course. - 'Cause I don't know anything
about "veggie packs" or "tooling around" or...
I mean, I get it now,
'cause, like, mopeds are douchey, and...
It's... it's hard.
And, you know, we're just... We're both so busy,
but we have to keep working at it,
and we need our things.
Yeah. You want to start another show?
Or... We could do new things.
Mm. What kind of new things?
I don't know.
Maybe we can toss a football around, or...
Oh. Oh. Okay.
Oh, my God. Were you thinking that we...
- Yes. Yes. - Mm-hmm.
Oh, oh, sorry.
This is why I never hooked up in high school. I never saw the signals.
Let's go have the sex.
Oh, my gosh, yes.
Totally.
Your catching is not your forte, but you're into it.
Uh...
And then throw.
Pose, then release.
God, you do throw so well for a girl.
I am a girl. What's your excuse?
You want to see how a man throws?
Yeah, I been waiting to see it.
Great. Go deep.
Go long. I'm gonna throw you the ball.
Okay.
Keep going. Babe, keep going.
Okay.
Deep.
Deep deep.
Everything you got.
I'm gonna empty the tank on this one.
This arm is crazy. It's a Cannon.
Yeah, I can't throw it that far, so...
Oh, man.
Yo, chump, see you at home.
Are those... those are keys?
No.
[Giggles]
Sync and correction by Mlmlte www.addic7ed.com
{pub}I just want you to know, Gary,
um, no harm, no foul on my part.
I hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable
with the whole watching the show thing, 'cause it was just...
Laura's a great... great gal,
and I would never, you know...
I mean, she's...
Not never, sure, I mean,
if it... last two people,
she's... she's a good looking gal.
And I'm not... she's not my cup of...
Or she would... She could be my cup of tea,
and I'm not saying she is.
And I'm saying that you and I are a couple of...
Probably shouldn't talk about it anymore, really.
You got it.
Reach for the wine. I hear that.