We got the hen-do, then her last exam,
then the wedding and the baby. It's all planned out.
Who's this Sean who's helping you?
He's just this decorator fella.
Bobby thinks he's the bee's knees.
Don't I get a coffee? Sorry?
That's what you normally get when you walk someone home, isn't it?
Alright, Mam?
It's OK. He haven't escaped. They let him out early.
Come here.
# And then she smiles
# And my heart starts beating
# I go weak inside #
I haven't finished painting it yet, mind.
No, it's great.
You can have the top bunk, if you like. That's OK, mate.
What bunk did you have in prison?
Emma. What?
It's alright, Mam. Top bunk.
So I'll go bottom bunk now, isn't it? Be a nice change.
Right. Well.
I'll see you in the morning. Yep.
I can bang on a radiator pipe if you want, with a mug,
if that's what you're used to.
No, you're alright.
Just don't wet the bed, OK?
(LUKE) You're staring again.
It's getting weird now.
(SIGHS)
I've been home two weeks.
I'm just chuffed to have you back. We all are.
I'm going to bastard kill him.
He's at your dad's. Not Ben, him!
You've left the bathroom all minging.
I'm five-months pregnant. It's a health hazard, his prison germs.
Oh, hush your dramatics. I'll go and do it now.
We've got to be at Tanisha's at 10:00am.
Why? Bugger.
Oh, my God. You forgot, didn't you?
Bombay frica-thingy. They're doing the wedding. Bombay fricassee.
What's the matter with sausage rolls? Racist.
I'm going job hunting with Luke. Are you?
You've done something with him every other day.
Why should today be any different?
Go with her.
Seriously. I know where the Jobcentre is, mun.
I don't want anyone being horrible to you, that's all.
I promise I'll come home and tell on them if they are.
Luke! How goes it, my friend? Ah, you know.
Any luck on the job front? Nah, nothing.
I'll take one of these, alright? Please.
It's on the house.
It's a free paper, Jag.
Sandy, you must start anew.
Don't you know what you must do?
Hold your head high.
Take a deep breath and... Thanks.
Mm. I never tasted bread like this before. It's gorge, innit?
Not as gorgeous as that chef. He's edible, I'm telling you.
Now, try this.
Ta, Tan. I'm rabid.
It's chicken vindaloo, but with a twist.
God, that's hot. (ALL LAUGH)
Stella, I hope you don't mind, but I promised Emma
I would give her some lessons in home-making.
Hey, Jas, pass us that water.
Just in case things don't work out with her exams.
I know you're keen for her to have a career.
Yeah, I am. We got a deal, haven't we, Ems? Yes.
Will she have time to work though, once she's had the baby?
Plenty of mothers have jobs, mun. What, like ironing?
Oi.
It's a cultural thing with your lot, innit?
I bet your mother stayed at home.
Her mother was an exotic dancer in Blackpool.
No way! Spine like elastic.
(ADMONISHES)
All I'm saying is, maybe Emma will make a natural home-maker.
Who knows?
Now, see if you prefer this.
It's lamb. Lamb phall.
See if you can taste the chilli kick.
Oh, that's better.
(EXCLAIMS)
Stell! Thank God I seen you. Alright, Stell?
I need a favour. What you got?
Oh, my God. Breath. You been on the curry?
What? Yeah. I've been trying some dishes for the wedding, like.
What it is, you know Mirna of Tongs and Tweezers? Yeah.
Hairdresser. She do do your mam. I said yeah, Karl.
She started doing dogs at the back.
There's gotten so much call for it, she's decided go mobile.
She's set me up in a franchise!
Only charged her £60 for the tools and what-have-you.
Honestly, Stell, dog-grooming is the future.
When times are hard, there's one thing people need. A clean dog.
Right. Well, I haven't got one, have I? To practice on, like.
I got offered hamsters, but I was afraid of drowning them.
I said she could lend Banjo off of you.
Cos he is technically half-mine, like.
Which half, Karl?
So can I pop over tomorrow then, or what?
Here we are, Big Rae.
37 pairs of shorts.
And not a crease on one of them.
Someone's been on the garlic.
Want an extra-strong, Stell?
Er... Thanks.
Sorry.
Showing off.
# "Pass It On" - The Coral
# Every day I recognise
# What's deceased and what's alive
# But don't repeat what I just said
# Until boulders turn to lead
# Then all the tales will be told
# Whilst you and I are in the cold... #
Alright? What you doing, Al?
We're not by the crossing.
Heard about Sunday? Down Nash House.
No. Celebrity Fun Day. In aid of cancer.
Which cancer? Which celebrities? All sorts.
Zeta Jones. Shirley Bassey. Debbie McGee.
Serious? Debbie McGee? Oh, my God.
A mate of mine can get me some VIP passes.
Free drinks. Meet the stars. (HORN HONKS)
Sorry, Al. We're sick of them two. We're already behind.
Got three burnings today and all.
Yeah, well, if you fancy it, it's £2.35 each.
Camel Coaches will do me a deal.
Go on then. Put us down for four.
Right.
I'll put "to be paid" by your name, shall I?
You have to settle them before the day, mind.
He likes it upfront!
Looking for a change of career, are you, butt?
Keckers. # The one and only #
I see they let you out, then.
How are you keeping? Got time for a bo?
Plenty of time. No cash.
Looks like it's my shout, then.
Hey, Vanda, give us two pints.
I dreamt about you last night, sweetheart.
Let's just say you wasn't disappointed.
You got bog roll on your trainer.
How have you been? Mental busy.
Good to have Luke back? Yeah.
Look at them waistbands, Sean. No-one does a waistband like Stell.
There you go. You can die happy now.
Sarcastic as well as violent, is it?
Get off. This one's a pussycat.
If you want to see a real killer in action, Stell,
I'll get Kim Wang Chong up for you.
Nah, you're alright, Big Rae. I got to get on.
Yeah, me too.
Do you want a lift?
No, I've got the trike. I've got the van.
Alright then. Ta.
You been smoking or summat? No. Why?
The rate you went through them mints.
She's been on the jalfrezi, Sean.
Benefits is the tip of the iceberg, see?
They just buys my beer and keeps Liliona in Baby Gap.
How old is she? I'm not exactly sure.
I was off my tits when she was born. Nice.
What it is, I've got a little tax-free gig on the side, like.
Doing a bit of transportation for some Colombian friends of mine.
Colombian? Well, they're from Tregaron, they are.
But the stuff's as good as anything from another country. Right.
I'll cut you in, if you like. £20 a pop.
Drop off, pick up, Bob's your uncle, cash in the bank.
I just got back from the big house.
Alright. Alright. Keep your cock on.
You'll upset the kid.
I'm off. Have a think about what I said.
Nah, you're alright.
Best offer someone like you's going to get.
Well, thanks for the lift. No worries.
Listen, Stell, this celebrity Fun Day,
I thought you and the kids might like to come along.
Oh! Lovely. Yeah?
I've got VIP tickets, you know.
(BOTH) Free drinks, meet the stars.
Aye, aye! The hairy biker returns. Only not on a bike, he's in a van.
Alright, mate? Settling in?
Yeah. Settling in lovely.
How did it go?
Absolutely shit.
He's looking for a job. It's so hard for him.
Yeah.
I'd better... I'll drop those tickets off for you.
Yeah. Yeah, if you like.
Thanks.
Jagadee! Your lunch.
So, rule number one,
make your husband a nice big lunch box to see him through the day.
He won't come looking for food in the middle of Diagnosis Murder.
Sweet. Not sweet.
I ain't slaving over a microwave for no man.
That is why Jasminder is going to end up single and alone.
I ain't a lezzer. Jasminder.
Hiya. Just going to the library.
What are you doing here?
Your mam's learning me about housework and that, isn't she?
Right.
After having beautified your car-nine... Canine.
Canine, I can formally offer you one of our cleaning facilitations.
These include the Big Bark, which is just a basic wash and blow-dry...
You expecting a letter? No.
Or we have the Ruff Stuff, which includes...
You haven't started on that pen-pal nonsense again,
with Elka in Gdnask? No.
Or we have the Ruff Stuff, which includes...
You are better off sticking to girls your own age.
Can I carry on then, or what?
Yeah, alright. How long are you going to be?
I want to go to the Bap Factory, see if they got driving jobs for my boy.
Mam. Will you tell Luke to stop stealing my underarm?
Don't wake him, love. He's tired.
One of our most popular packages is called The Dog's Dinner,
which includes a colour rinse of your choice.
You're not dyeing Banjo. Oh, come on, Stell. No way.
You've been sleeping for 14 hours.
You're probably depressed, because you're unemployed.
And you've got a criminal record.
Cheers, professor.
Do you think if you'd known your dad when you were younger
you'd have turned out a bit different?
Mam, I'm off rugby training.
OK! See you lunchtime.
Luke? What?
I'm escaping from Nadine, I am. She's doing my head in.
You alright? Yeah. Stop asking me all the time.
Sorry.
So, Emma's off learning to be a Stepford wife and Ben's doing rugby.
Got any plans for today, love?
Oh, yeah. Round of golf and a game of tennis.
What do you think, Mam? The same as yesterday
and the day before and the day before that.
(NADINE) Stell! Oh, for God's sake.
Now, I rather like it. It's fun.
I tell you what, Luke, you want to think about grooming dogs.
No, I don't. You could do a lot worse.
Nice little income. Do you want me to have a word with Mirna, like?
Here you go.
We deserve this.
Now, Emma.
I have a confession to make. What?
I like bleach.
There, I've said it. I know it's bad for the environment,
but once you've done a U-bend with it, you never go back.
What's a U-bend?
So much to learn.
Wait, I have a little surprise for you!
What are you wearing? Cute, isn't it?
It's exactly the same as your Mam's one.
Em, I don't like you being like this.
It's weird.
Being like what? All this cleaning stuff with my mum.
But I'm enjoying it. Man, are you joking me?
A housewife? You?
What's wrong with being a housewife?
You are going to be a doctor and they make loads of money.
Maybe I don't want to marry someone
who just stays at home all day and doesn't do nothing.
It's freaky.
Now, this is my own invention.
I call it the Tanisha Toolbelt.
With this little beauty, no matter where I'm in the house,
I'm always packing multi-purpose power gel.
I've got to go. Sorry.
Emma?
Luke, you twat!
Keckers, you even bigger twat. Alright, alright. Keep your cock on.
What are you doing here? That's nice.
Just wondering if you'd thought about my little prosposition.
Proposition. Exactly.
I've got loads of these little puppies lined up.
All you've got to do is drop off,
get the cash and keep £20 back for yourself. Easy.
Until I get caught.
Look, butt, I'm trying to do you a favour here.
Great.
Alright, Luke?
Alright. Your mum not in?
No.
Give her these, will you, mate?
It's for this Fun Day thing tomorrow.
You can come, if you like.
Nah, you're alright. (SNIGGERS)
You've got bog roll on your trainer. What?
See you, mate.
Your old girl shagging Scouser Sean, is she?
What did you say? Alright, keep your cock on.
He's not even a Scouser.
Right, where to am I dropping this stuff off?
Borneo Terrace this is. Number Six. You can't miss it.
They got gnomes.
Hot Dogs grooming service!
10% off your first groom. Haircuts for dogs, it is.
And you get 10p off your first one, like.
I could do a lovely makeover on this, couldn't I?
What? Oh, yeah. Knock ten years off of it.
She's only cocking nine.
Well, take a leaflet and have a think, isn't it?
Alright, Mo, love?
What can I do you for, Stell?
Tin loaf and six doughnuts, please.
Jam, toffee, custard or apple?
Give me a mix.
I don't suppose you've got
any delivery jobs going out the back, have you?
£3.65.
I thought you was on the ironing.
Slowing up, is it?
No. It's for my boy, Luke.
He's a hard worker. Learns fast.
No disrespect, Stell. You knows I take people as they comes.
But once a slammer dog, always a slammer dog.
You taking the mick? A couple of stupid pranks, that's all it was.
Joyriding in stolen cars, more like.
He's not like that no more, for your information.
So you think.
You what? Look, doll.
My Karen knows Tone who's dating Vanda up the Lamb and Flag.
She said she saw your Luke drinking with that Keckers.
Keckers the Crack? You're off your head.
My Luke don't hang around with scum like that.
That's not what I heard, Stell.
If your Luke's keeping that kind of company,
he'll be back behind bars before you can say Britain's got talent.
Forgot your doughnuts!
I'll have them if they're going cocking begging.
Luke!
In the shower!
(DEEP VOICE) Keckers?
Yeah, it's...
Tableau, it is.
No, with a T.
Yeah.
What it is, like, I need some, er...
Some shit, like.
(PHONE RINGS)
Alright? Tableau?
Alright?
You're Luke's old girl, aren't you? I might be.
He told you I could get some quality shit, did he?
Well, you don't look the type, to be honest, darling.
No, I don't want your shit.
Or your drugs.
They're the same thing. Whatever.
I just want you to leave him alone, alright?
He don't need idiots like you messing up his life.
It's hard enough for him as it is.
Out of prison, nothing going for him.
That's why I'm helping. Putting work his way.
Well, he don't need no help from you, alright?
Why don't you just take your stinking drugs
and stick them up your own nose?
Or someone else's.
Just leave him alone, anyway.
Oh, I'm kecking myself.
Luke's mammy's telling me off.
What will you do if I don't?
She won't do anything, mate.
But I will.
Disappear.
Oh, my God. That was like a Superman film.
Where did you spring from? I was watching the game.
Stella, love.
Do you want to tell me what's going on?
Hurry up, Ken. If I wait any longer, my hair'll be dry.
Mirna's squeezing me in as it is. She's always rammed on a Saturday.
Alright. Give me a chance, mun.
I don't understand why you can't have the lot done there.
Because then I'll have to pay for a dry and a wash.
This way, I don't have to pay for a wash. Everyone does it. Saved me £4.
Ridiculous. I'll ridiculous you come Christmas,
when I got money saved for a luxury hamper.
Gumpa!
Hello, love.
Hey! What's up now?
I wanted to get him to meet me so I could warn him off, that's all.
You know, face-to-face.
And you think he's going to take a slap on the wrist?
He's not 12.
And what's with the name Tableau?
It was meant to be my druggy name.
I was going to go with Tamar and then Pablo
and it came out as Tableau. (LAUGHS)
Nasty piece of work, mind, isn't he, that Keckers.
Dead eyes. Like a dolphin.
You mean shark? (NEGATIVE NOISE) I mean dolphin.
Everyone thinks that sharks are the baddies.
The dolphins are just as vicious, if not worse. Are they?
We've all been taken in by the Flipper thing.
I wouldn't trust a dolphin as far as I could throw him.
I'm talking bollocks. I'm worried
and I'm frightened that my son is turning into a drug dealer.
(CHEERING ON TV)
Go on.
You'll miss the rest of your game.
Kim Wang Chong will be wondering where you got to.
Did you get those tickets, by the way?
Oh, yeah.
We're all coming.
See you on the bus.
I don't know what's wrong with me, Nana.
I just annoy everyone.
Mam, Sunny.
I'm doing my own head in.
I just feel all over the place.
Ken, get on to Tongs and Tweezers. Tell Mirna I've got a family crisis.
She'll understand. She has one every week.
I tell you what's wrong, my love.
You're coping with a lot of change.
Change isn't easy.
You're only a baby and you're having a baby.
Your hormones must be all over the shop.
I was 20-odd having your uncle Dai. I still went cuckoo.
I wanted to run away with the milkman and weave my own rugs.
What?
I'm still here, aren't I?
Haven't seen Rhian's dog, have you?
I was giving it a blue-rinse and it done a bunk.
Check it out.
Look what I found in the garage.
Respect for the dead, lads. Ooh! We've got a sitter, have we?
Aye. No bending him whatsoever.
Bless. So what do you think?
It's Daddy in an old wheelchair.
Wrong! This is our ticket to the fast lane.
There'll be a massive queue for the Fun Day,
cos of all the celebs and that.
I rang Nash House and they give priority to disableds.
(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY) Oh, yeah, and the carers.
No hanging around for us!
Straight to the front for gin with Shirley Bassey.
(LAUGHS) Result.
I tell you what, we found loads of old crap in that garage.
Salad spinner that don't work, an old set of dentures,
two Leo Sayer albums...
(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)
Yeah, Birmingham marina. 1978.
What's this?
(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)
God, yeah.
I loved that film.
And you got one of these for free.
(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)
That's right.
Because he was called Colon and she was called Faye.
He wanted to take her to his planet.
And she wanted to go, but she didn't want to go.
Don't make them like that anymore, do they? Thank God.
(MUMBLES AND IMPERSONATES ALIEN)
"Come with me of your own free will."
"Or I will have to take you by force."
Oh, remember?
I think I might hang on to these for a bit.
Show Dai.
You know?
Oh. Hello again.
Is Luke about?
Yeah.
Come in a minute.
Luke?
Me? A handyman?
Big Rae don't need a carpenter around the gym.
Just someone to look after the place.
I barely get any training in.
He's always asking me to unblock the drains,
move the weights, sort the gloves out.
See, he's desperate. Thanks.
Anyway, he wants you to go round for a chat. 5:00pm.
An interview, like? Yeah.
Well? Come on, mate.
You've got nothing to lose, have you?
Maybe.
I'll have a think, OK?
Well done! Don't fuss, Mam.
I said I'll have a think.
Sorry.
(WOMAN SHRIEKS)
(B-MOVIE MUSIC PLAYS)
No!
Please have mercy.
(GROWLS)
I am Colon.
I have witnessed you, Faye.
Now, I must have you as mine.
Do not resist me, or I will numb you with my probe.
(SHRIEKS)
Oh, Colon! You have numbed me with your probe.
Paula? It's Al.
I've come for that £9.40, I have.
(MOANING)
Look, Keckers. I want a word, like.
Pukey Lukey! I changed my mind.
I just been telling the boys about your old girl.
What? Didn't she tell you?
Paid me a little visit.
Huffing and puffing she was. Getting all worked up.
Tried to dim me. Had to be held back.
If she weren't your mammy, I would have swung for her, like.
What did she say?
He hasn't shown.
It's only 5.15pm. He'll be here now.
Look what I got him.
Nylon bristles.
And overalls from the pound shop.
Didn't get day-glo ones. Don't want him looking like he's in a disco.
Ain't gonna look like nothing unless he turns up.
(DOOR SHUTS)
Mam!
Told you.
Why do you have to interfere in my business all the time?
Hey, hang on. What's this? You can stay out of it and all.
I seen Keckers. You made me look like a twat.
I just don't want you hanging round with him.
You'll be back in that prison.
Mam, I'm 24. I can look after myself.
I don't need you or him sticking your nose in my business. Got it?
Surely you can understand why I would... Got it?
Yeah.
So I take it he don't want the job, then?
Didn't take the golden boy long to fall off his pedestal, did it?
He didn't fall off. He jumped.
Not really his fault though, is it?
He's coping with a lot of change.
And change ain't easy.
Off to see your drug-dealer friend, are you?
No. Don't lie to me, Luke.
I'm not. I'm not going to see Keckers.
You going to the Celebrity Fun Day?
We're going to meet Catherine Zeta Jones.
Maybe. Got a few things to do first.
Luke? What now?
Give me a cwtch.
I know you're a good boy.
I know you are.
See you later.
So long.
Who is Catherine Zeta Jones?
I don't see why he can't just walk on to it.
He's not actually disabled, is he?
And what if Shirley Bassey turns up
at exactly the same time Daddy's waltzing off the bus?
Then where will we be?
(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)
Yeah, and the rest.
(B-MOVIE MUSIC PLAYS) Now, don't have kittens,
because I've got the cash. But it's in coppers.
Dai forgot to go to the hole-in-the-wall this morning.
Thanks.
I've just got to, erm...
I've just got to, er...
Got to do...
What's up with him, then?
Nerves.
Meeting celebrities does it to you. I've seen it all before.
I went to a Carol Vorderman book-signing once.
This woman dropped dead, right in front of her.
Oh, my God.
Did she sign her book? Yeah.
And she done a photo.
What exactly do you get in the VIP bit, then?
Free drinks. Meet the stars. You seeing Sunil down there?
I don't know. We're still not speaking.
Does VIP stand for Very Important Person?
Yes, love.
Am I very important, then? You are to me.
Off for the bus, is it?
(ALL) Yeah.
I suppose she'll be there, will she? Lording it?
Who now? Bassey.
We can't stand the sight of her. Otherwise we'd be joining you, like.
(LAUGHS)
Alright?
Hey, where to's your mam? Not going to jump me, is she?
Nah.
Sorry, Allan, love.
Is Stella on her way? I've got a little surprise for her.
Ooh, there's lovely.
Alright?
Alright, Dai?
(MEG) I'll go by the window, Ken. Budge up.
Oh, my God, Karl. What have I done to that damn dog?
Don't worry, babes. She probably haven't noticed.
You can't be expected to get it right first time.
Hiya.
You made it, then.
I got a little surprise for you.
VIP tickets.
Free drinks. Meet the stars.
Al, that's really kind of you, but my friend's already got us some.
A friend? Hiya.
Alright? Why are you coming with us on Camel Coaches?
You could you go on your Harley.
It's good for the environment, isn't it?
Us all going on the bus.
He's got a Harley?
Anyway, shall we, erm...
(CHORUS OF "HELLO")
(MEG) You look nice, love.
So, I think Luke's really sorry about what happened.
Did he apologise? Not exactly, no.
But I know he is. Right.
Corned beef and pickle?
Mam, it's only a half-hour journey.
I'll have one, if you've got one going.
Pass it down.
And he says he's not going to see that Keckers no more
and I believe him. So there we are.
I don't like to tell you this... Mini-pasty?
Right, I'm not waiting here any longer. Barry, off we go.
Now, who's going to start us off on the singing?
(ALL SING)
(BRASS BAND PLAYS)
OMG, it's Cheggers.
Just play it cool, alright?
Fame does funny things to people.
He's not even that famous.
Hiya, Keith. Bobby Gidkins.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
It was a crime when they cancelled Swap Shop.
Thanks very much. Surprised you were even born.
So, you all having a good time? Wahey!
Right, well...
Better be getting on.
Yes, bye, Keith!
(MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY)
And what was that debacle, hmm?
You'd think you're on day release from St Tudor's.
I met Keith Chegwin.
I've got to tell Dai.
Emma!
Hiya.
Hiya. So glad you came.
I spotted him on the street. Grumpy Terrace by any chance?
(JAG) And I insisted he come along with us. He is family, after all.
That's nice. Where to's Tanisha?
Between you and me, she's not a fan of charitable events.
She thinks they're indulgent.
Now, where is Miss Zeta Jones Douglas?
Probably in the VIP. Come on.
Anyone for a hot dog while I'm here?
Ah, go on. And me.
Sorry.
Don't be.
I was being a mentalist.
You were wearing matching aprons.
Mention that again and the wedding's off.
Who's coming for a bounce?
On the bouncy castle.
Oh, my God, I'll just watch.
I don't want this baby coming early.
Luke? No, you're alright.
Dai! Oh, my God. What's wrong now?
I just met Keith Chegwin.
He touched my elbow and everything.
Not very private, is it? You can say that again.
How comes you got VIP passes, then?
I got friends in high places.
I think that's disgusting.
I'm meant to be living in a democracy, for God's sake.
Where to's all the stars, Al?
I've only seen Keith Chegwin and Debbie McGee.
You saw Debbie McGee?
It says on the flyer they're coming though, doesn't it?
Zeta Jones. Bassey.
Actually, it says they've been invited.
See? In the small print.
Pass me one of them Bucks Fuzz, love.
I do love a Bucks Fuzz, me.
Me too.
Oh, my God. Are you...
Yes, I am. How are you doing?
I am such a fan of your cocking work.
Hi, Andrew.
Can I just introduce myself?
Nadine Bevan. Hi.
And this is my life partner, Karl Morris.
Nice one, butt. Thank you. Not bad, is it?
I try to go to the gym most days. Does help.
Who's he, then?
Hi, kid. How did your interview go, up Big Rae's gym?
I didn't do it in the end, Gumpa. I didn't fancy it.
That is a shame. Would have been an nice little job, that.
Never mind.
He's got loads of people offering him work. Haven't you?
Yeah. Leave it now, alright?
Bit ungrateful, love. Sean was trying to do you a favour.
What for? He's not my dad. Not old enough to be, for a start.
Come on, Luke, mun. Shut up, Karl.
Don't wind him up, Karl. He's a criminal.
He might stab you! Shut up, Nadine.
Can we all calm down and carry on enjoying the day?
I didn't want the poxy job, alright?
No, you'd rather run pills for Keckers.
What are you on about? I saw you.
Earlier on, outside his house.
You might fool your mum, but you don't fool me.
Oh, for God's sake!
You don't what to do that, mate.
What do I want to do then, mate? Come on, tell me!
Hey, come on now, lads.
We're in the VIP.
Have some respect.
Luke!
What a fantastic turn out here today,
and all raising money for such a worthy cause.
Without further ado, it gives me great pleasure
to declare this charity Family Fun Day well and truly...
Bastard!
(CROWD GASPS)
For God's sake, somebody stop them! He's a boxer! He'll kill him!
Don't be daft. He's nearly 70.
Scrap! Scrap! Don't be a fool! He's not worth it!
Which one's not worth it?
It's just what you say when there's a fight.
Go on, Lukey! Elbows, butt. Elbows. Go on!
No!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
So you did lie to me, then.
No. I seen Keckers, but I gave him back the pills, Mam.
I didn't go through with it.
And I went to the Chicken Manor. I got a job up there.
It's crap pay, it's got no prospects.
But it's not dodgy.
Alright? Happy now?
Chicken Manor, Chicken Schmanor.
No member of my family works in a place like that.
What?
I will give you a proper job.
In my post office! (APPLAUSE)
Don't you think you should check with Mum first?
And 15p more an hour. Serious?
Yes, serious. Result.
Oh, what the hell.
20p more an hour!
(APPLAUSE)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
And while we're at it, no-one has paid me yet for this bloody trip.
£57 I forked out for Camel Coaches.
Every single one of you, apart from Paula, owes me £2.35.
No-one is going nowhere until I get my money.
So come on.
Pay up.
Please.
Thanks for not hitting me too hard, butt.
I wish I could say the same.
Right, I'll see you, then. Yeah.
Hey, Luke.
See you, mate.
Oh, my God, Luke. You hit a boxer. That's quality, that is.
It's not. It's really thick.
I'd better get going as well. Wait a minute.
What?
Why have you always got to get going?
Where exactly are you getting going to? Are you alright?
And how many hints do you need to work out that I like you?
Well, I like you. You're very nice. (SIGHS) I want to go out with you.
Yeah. I think I get that.
I just don't get why you want to go out with me.
Fishing now. No, I'm not.
You are gorgeous.
And sexy and lovely and you're nearer my son's age than mine...
Only just. And I'm...
Look at me. I'm going to be a grandmother in four months.
Why in God's name would you want to go out with this?
Oh, my God. You're not doing it for a bet, are you?
Stella...
I want to go out with you because you're gorgeous.
And sexy and lovely.
I'm wearing a stripy rugby shirt. I love being with you.
You think dolphins are vicious and your druggy name's Tableau
and I bet you're amazing in bed.
I could go on.
Please don't. I am dying by here.
Alright.
Where are you taking me?
Do you like Italian?
Of course.
Giovanni's.
Next week.
For definite.
I'll call you when I've booked it.
Charged? What with? Fraud.
(DAI) 'PS, I'm not messing around. I really have gone.'
(PHONE RINGS) Your boyfriend.
You've got three missed calls off him. Should I answer it? No!
Should I be taking a hint?
Well, we've been all over.
Follow that hearse.
It's only spaghetti. I couldn't have actual sex with him.
I wouldn't know where to begin.
Hope you're ready to get the shit kicked out of you, Williams. Nice.
Dai!
Subtitles by APOLLO www.addic7ed.com