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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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♪ Now you're looking at a man
that's getting kinda mad ♪
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♪ I had lots of luck
but it's all been bad ♪
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♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
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♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive ♪
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♪ my fishing pole's broke,
the creek is full of sand ♪
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♪ my woman ran away with another man ♪
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♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
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♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪
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- Guys.
- What?!
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- Come on.
- What do you mean, come on?
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You said pick any restaurant
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and you would treat us
on your corporate card
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it's not a restaurant.
It's called Bonerz with a "z."
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- Yeah.
- They serve food, so it's a restaurant.
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All right. Is this gonna show
up on my corporate card as--
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- as Bonerz?
- Yes.
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- Yes?
- Yes-- all caps.
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By the way, isn't this a
weird name for a strip club?
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What's your problem with "Bonerz"?
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Doesn't it make it sound kind of gay?
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- What? Fuck! Holy--
- No one's ever suggested that?
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Wow, fuck you!
I'm not-- we're not gay.
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It's clear as day.
You walk into a strip club and you see butt,
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you see breast, you see pretty
girls, and you get what?
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- Boners.
- You get boners.
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Hey, that's the end result.
Come on in.
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You could have called
it Boobz with a "z."
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That's just childish.
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This is actually very good.
I'm not gonna lie.
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Uh, this is the best
lunch ever, Timmy.
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Hey, guys, you want a dance?
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Yes, I do. How-- well,
how much for dances?
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Okay, it's $40 a dance
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or $100 for the champagne room.
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Ooh, champagne room all around.
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- Put it on Timmy's card.
- No-no, no-no.
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We're here for lunch.
We're here for the restaurant aspect.
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- Oh. Come on.
- Oh. I'm sad.
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- You like Pauly Shore?
- Yeah.
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Hey, buddy.
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- She thinks I'm funny.
- She does think you're funny.
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Timmy, come on.
Let's get in there, man.
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I can't put a lap dance on my card.
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You know, Tim, you've really changed.
You're not fun anymore.
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Yeah, I'm gonna agree with this guy.
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- You are not fun anymore.
- They check the statements.
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- Timmy, it's the champagne room.
- Yeah?
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In that room they serve beverages.
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Beverages are technically
part of lunch.
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- This is totally acceptable.
- That's actually a good point.
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- Yeah.
- All right, let's do this.
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That's right.
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Mmm. Mmm.
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Ooh. Ooh.
How's my boy?
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Yeah, he's doing real good.
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- Thank you for asking.
- I'm Amber, by the way.
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Oh, hey, I'm Stu.
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Or you can call me Stuballs or Stuart
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or Baby Doc Duvall. It doesn't--
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Doesn't really matter.
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You are so funny.
Oh my God, you're my favorite.
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You're my favorite
person ever--
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"Ambron"-- "Amver" I've ever met.
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We have the
same senses of humor.
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Timmy, we are coming here every day!
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- Hey guys, what happened?
- Lights in here, lights.
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- Ugh.
- Aw.
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- Who are you?
- What happened?
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Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!
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- This light is not flattering for me.
- To say the least.
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- Fuck you!
- Fuck you.
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- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
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- You big pile of dogshit.
- Wow.
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Buzzkill, to say the least.
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You have a lot of scars.
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I've been to a lot of
fucking places, dude--
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- Knife fight.
- Uh-huh.
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- Baby.
- Yep.
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Italy, melanoma, prison
knife fight in Italy.
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Is someone gonna do something
with the music and the lights?
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We're having a business luncheon here.
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- Oh my God.
- He's got a gun, he's got a gun.
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- Okay, assholes.
Uh-oh.
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Someone needs to tell me
where Jenny is right now.
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There was a Jenny
that used to work here.
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- She doesn't work here anymore.
- Oh, that's Jenny
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- who opened up the yarn store in Chicago.
- What?!
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- And she had lupus.
- You're all lying to me!
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Everyone in the main room. Until someone
finds my Jenny for me, you're all hostages.
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This lunch is really
getting away from us.
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What's this about?
Why are we tied up to poles?
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I wanna see my girlfriend, that's all.
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- It's very simple.
- Your girlfriend works here?
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- Yes. Jenny.
- We told you-- Jenny has left town.
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She's in Chicago.
She opened a yarn store
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- and she's got lupus.
- She would've told me if she moved.
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- Are you sure she was your girlfriend?
- Uh, yeah, I'm sure.
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- Why? What did she--
- Oh, she only danced for me
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every single time I came in here
and uh, let's see, what else?
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Oh, yeah, I know.
She said I was her favorite.
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- What are you, 11?
- You shut up, okay? Shut up!
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We're staying here until the
police track Jenny down
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and bring her to me.
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- Wait, what-- what's this?
- A note?
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Hey, nasty old stripper, go read that.
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Excuse me, let's at least
behave like gentlemen here.
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- It is a gentlemen's club.
- Yeah.
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Okay.
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It says, "Hey, dude, it's the police."
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Come out and chat
if you want."
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"Hey, dude"? What kind of
way is that to talk to me?
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For a guy with a palm
tree on his shirt,
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you're surprisingly
concerned with self-respect.
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You, smart mouth,
you're coming with me.
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I knew my sarcastic quips would be
the undoing of me at some point.
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None of these jokes
are really landing.
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Okay, we're coming out,
but don't try anything funny
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or I'm gonna shoot this motherfucker.
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Wait a second,
where is everybody?
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Hey all?
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Just you and and--
and the canine unit?
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It's just me.
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And he's not part of
the canine unit, all right?
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He's my dog Gus.
And he's a good boy.
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Right, Gus?
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We've got another situation here, Gus,
that you're not part of.
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Good boy. Who's a good boy?
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This is a real hostage
situation, okay?
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You need to take this seriously.
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We have stopped doing the whole
standoff thing, alright?
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Due to the budget cuts.
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Just cost too much.
We gotta pay
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for roadblocks,
we gotta get helicopters...
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And don't even get me started
on the snipers. I hate those guys.
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"Oh, I can shoot accurately...
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"Oh, look, I can hit a nickel
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- from this many yards."
- Ok, enough, enough.
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Let's get the full department on this
or people are going to die.
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- Starting with this guy.
- I have a name.
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- What's your name?
- Stu-balls.
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Now, those cops are just playing
with my head, okay?
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The real cops are gonna show up soon
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and I'm gonna make them
take me seriously.
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Or else everyone dies.
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- Are you crying, Stu?
- Uh-uh, I'm not crying.
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Kind of looks like you're crying, bro.
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- Are you sneezing quietly?
- I'm not ready to die.
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I don't want my last meal
to be a boner dog.
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- That's the reason?
- I'm not ready either.
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I mean, the islanders have a serious
shot at the playoffs this year.
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- You got the baby too.
- Well, the islanders though,
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- that's the big one.
- Hey, you know, guys, if I get killed
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and you don't, will you make sure
my little boy at least has food?
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- Oh, yeah. How old is he?
- He's 32.
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Okay, you!
You come with me.
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- Who? Me?
- You. Yeah.
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I thought Stu's your human shield.
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No, he's too fat, too sweaty.
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- That's what you want.
- You're perfect.
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No, you want a big fat guy.
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Thanks for having my back, Tim.
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Okay, coming out again.
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00:07:05,935 --> 00:07:08,569
And I-- are you
kidding me?
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Okay, let's negotiate here.
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Okay, fine. I want you to track down
my girlfriend and bring her here.
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Wish I could.
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I'm not empowered to do much
except order pizzas.
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- Pizzas?!
- You can get up to four large pies
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with two toppings on each.
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And it's Wednesday,
so it should be good.
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Okay, you're not listening to me.
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I'm going to murder people.
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Let's be honest, okay?
You got three guys hanging out
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at a strip club
at 11:00 am.
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I think the world can
get by without them.
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What's that supposed to mean?
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No, this is not how it's
supposed to work, okay?
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What topping do you want?!
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I don't want a topping.
I want a SWAT team,
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I want a news van, I
want snipers, okay?
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Hold on, Gus is taking a poop.
185
00:07:54,613 --> 00:07:56,514
Oh, it's solid.
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You're the worst negotiator.
187
00:07:58,549 --> 00:08:00,517
Okay, what were--
what were you saying?
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I want a circus atmosphere, okay?
189
00:08:02,887 --> 00:08:05,922
Look, I cannot give you
a circus atmosphere
190
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unless you have $185,000
to reimburse the city.
191
00:08:11,096 --> 00:08:14,097
- Oh, that is an inflated number.
- Does sound a little padded.
192
00:08:14,131 --> 00:08:17,500
Now I suggest mushrooms and meatballs.
193
00:08:17,534 --> 00:08:21,504
They're a terrific combination
when you're under stress.
194
00:08:21,538 --> 00:08:23,539
Okay, guys, look, I--
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I didn't wanna do this to you guys.
I know we're all really good friends,
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but someone here needs to die, so I'm looking
for volunteers. Anyone want to volunteer?
197
00:08:29,779 --> 00:08:31,279
- Not it.
- Me neither.
198
00:08:31,314 --> 00:08:33,248
- Okay, not it. Okay, good. Not it.
- What? What?
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00:08:33,282 --> 00:08:34,749
- That's not--
- You're it, you're it.
200
00:08:34,783 --> 00:08:36,651
- That's not a not-it situation.
- You're--
201
00:08:36,685 --> 00:08:38,320
- No, that's how--
- Not a not-it situation.
202
00:08:38,354 --> 00:08:41,323
- It-- the way that I am doing it, it is, okay?
- Oh my God.
203
00:08:41,357 --> 00:08:44,359
So my question to you is,
are you ready to die?
204
00:08:44,394 --> 00:08:46,394
- No.
- Okay. Well, that's okay,
205
00:08:46,428 --> 00:08:48,695
because I'm going to
give you a countdown
206
00:08:48,730 --> 00:08:51,698
from 70 to one and then I'm going to kill you.
So you have time to--
207
00:08:51,733 --> 00:08:54,201
- from 70?
- Yes! You have time to put things in order.
208
00:08:54,236 --> 00:08:55,836
What's the significance
of that number?
209
00:08:55,870 --> 00:08:58,205
I'm giving you
more than the cliche time.
210
00:08:58,240 --> 00:08:59,240
You seem a little nervous.
211
00:08:59,274 --> 00:09:00,841
Yeah, I am.
I am-- I--
212
00:09:00,875 --> 00:09:02,509
- Take a-- take a breath.
- Okay.
213
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:03,743
Don't kill anybody.
214
00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:05,578
- If you want the media circus...
- Yes.
215
00:09:05,612 --> 00:09:07,047
...and they say
it's too expensive,
216
00:09:07,081 --> 00:09:09,015
I think I got a solution here.
217
00:09:09,050 --> 00:09:12,185
- How's that grab you, huh?
- Corporate card. Hey-oh-oh.
218
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:14,120
- Oh.
- Sometimes you gotta bust out the card.
219
00:09:14,155 --> 00:09:15,121
- Yeah!
- Right?
220
00:09:15,156 --> 00:09:16,356
You're gonna do that for me?!
221
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:17,757
- I'll do it.
- I love it!
222
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,291
- We get each other, right?
- This is-- yeah,
223
00:09:19,325 --> 00:09:20,992
you're having Stockholm
syndrome with me.
224
00:09:21,027 --> 00:09:22,394
- Little bit.
- We're stockholming.
225
00:09:22,429 --> 00:09:23,628
- A little bit.
- Okay.
226
00:09:23,663 --> 00:09:25,497
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
227
00:09:25,532 --> 00:09:28,133
Is this still about Jenny
or are you now just--
228
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:30,835
- No, I'm getting into it.
- It's taken a left turn. It's taken a left turn.
229
00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:32,471
We're getting into this now.
This is good.
230
00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:33,905
This is what
I was always meant to do--
231
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:36,541
be a hostage-taker.
I love it!
232
00:09:36,575 --> 00:09:39,410
All right, let's charge it!
233
00:09:40,345 --> 00:09:41,779
Wow.
234
00:09:41,813 --> 00:09:43,647
- I thought I was gonna die before.
- Yeah.
235
00:09:43,682 --> 00:09:46,650
My balls were starting to go up inside me.
I was freaked out.
236
00:09:46,685 --> 00:09:48,419
Just try to be emotional here. I uh--
237
00:09:48,454 --> 00:09:50,220
it got me thinking about myself.
238
00:09:50,254 --> 00:09:53,223
You know, I have changed a little.
Promotion got to me.
239
00:09:53,257 --> 00:09:55,959
Just wanted to let you guys know
that you're still my best friends
240
00:09:55,993 --> 00:09:59,062
- and I love you.
- Oh man, that's nice.
241
00:09:59,097 --> 00:10:00,697
That's very sweet of you.
242
00:10:00,731 --> 00:10:02,532
And if I wasn't tied to
this greasy stripper pole,
243
00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:05,034
- I'd hug you, buddy.
- These things are ridiculously greasy, aren't they?
244
00:10:05,069 --> 00:10:07,903
Whoa whoa whoa, you guys hear that? The choppers!
245
00:10:07,937 --> 00:10:10,539
- Ow. Oh, wow.
- The choppers are coming. This is it! This is it.
246
00:10:10,574 --> 00:10:12,141
Okay, do I look good?
Do I look all right?
247
00:10:12,175 --> 00:10:14,643
- You look amazing.
- Oh, this is what I'm talking about.
248
00:10:14,677 --> 00:10:16,312
Holy crap.
249
00:10:16,346 --> 00:10:19,248
SWAT teams and choppers
and news trucks
250
00:10:19,282 --> 00:10:22,283
and-- what the hell?
Where are the snipers?
251
00:10:22,318 --> 00:10:24,486
There are supposed
to be-- oh!
252
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,854
Oh-hh!
- Ah, look at that.
253
00:10:26,888 --> 00:10:29,324
I got shot with a sniper bullet.
254
00:10:29,358 --> 00:10:31,726
Yes! That was
awe-- oh-hh.
255
00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:34,262
Oh! Okay okay.
All right.
256
00:10:34,296 --> 00:10:36,097
Just close the door if nothing else.
257
00:10:36,132 --> 00:10:38,898
I got shot by snipers.
258
00:10:38,933 --> 00:10:41,135
You're way too excited.
259
00:10:41,169 --> 00:10:45,105
Finally, Mitch
is getting some resp--
260
00:10:46,474 --> 00:10:48,875
I had no idea so much gross stuff
261
00:10:48,909 --> 00:10:51,878
was inside the head.
262
00:10:51,912 --> 00:10:54,647
- Okay, which one is Tim?
- Oh, right here.
263
00:10:54,681 --> 00:10:57,450
Everyone's fine. Don't panic.
Don't start calling me a hero or anything.
264
00:10:57,484 --> 00:10:59,084
I don't care about the hero thing.
265
00:10:59,119 --> 00:11:01,320
I just need you to sign
this credit card receipt.
266
00:11:01,355 --> 00:11:03,789
And the tip's been
taken care of already
267
00:11:03,823 --> 00:11:06,825
'cause there has been a death.
268
00:11:08,529 --> 00:11:11,296
Oh, Tim Tim Tim.
269
00:11:11,330 --> 00:11:15,600
$20 at staples, $179 for entertainment
270
00:11:15,635 --> 00:11:19,371
and $185,000
for the N.Y.P.D.
271
00:11:19,405 --> 00:11:21,606
Mmm, gotta charge things.
272
00:11:21,641 --> 00:11:23,408
- Tim.
- What's wrong?
273
00:11:23,442 --> 00:11:25,710
We're all men here.
We know what went down.
274
00:11:25,744 --> 00:11:27,444
- Marie's not a man.
- Thank you, Tim.
275
00:11:27,479 --> 00:11:30,181
Well, look at it. It's all taped and tucked.
We know the deal.
276
00:11:30,215 --> 00:11:31,982
- Marie wanted to fire you.
- Yeah.
277
00:11:32,016 --> 00:11:34,985
But I've decided that we're simply
going to take it out of your pay.
278
00:11:35,019 --> 00:11:37,388
- I don't make that much.
- So we're gonna go ahead
279
00:11:37,422 --> 00:11:39,256
and dock your full salary.
280
00:11:39,291 --> 00:11:41,525
So you'll work for free, uh, this year
281
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:44,427
- and then part of next year.
- So I don't get paychecks anymore?
282
00:11:44,461 --> 00:11:47,630
- No more money for you.
- No no no no no, you spent that money, Tim.
283
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:50,633
So I hope you enjoyed that strip club.
284
00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:52,669
Tim.
285
00:11:52,703 --> 00:11:54,937
- Whoo!
- I just lost all my money for two years.
286
00:11:54,971 --> 00:11:57,039
No, but seriously, now that that dude's gone...
287
00:11:57,074 --> 00:12:00,075
...If it's any consolation, I'm super impressed
288
00:12:00,109 --> 00:12:02,043
- with what you've done here.
- You're impressed?
289
00:12:02,078 --> 00:12:03,679
For years we've had
this secret competition
290
00:12:03,713 --> 00:12:08,250
to see who could submit the single
highest receipt from Bonerz.
291
00:12:08,284 --> 00:12:10,185
- I'm the champ?
- Are you kidding?
292
00:12:10,220 --> 00:12:12,721
The old record was held
by Hal Gleason for $9,000
293
00:12:12,755 --> 00:12:14,622
and you just blew past him
294
00:12:14,656 --> 00:12:17,658
by one-- $176,000.
295
00:12:17,693 --> 00:12:21,362
- You seem very excited.
- Hal Gleason, get your sweet sweet ass in here.
296
00:12:21,396 --> 00:12:22,796
- Hey, Tim.
- Hey.
297
00:12:22,831 --> 00:12:24,565
- Congrats.
- Check out this plaque.
298
00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:26,701
- Oh my God.
- What do you think about a photo?
299
00:12:26,735 --> 00:12:28,636
- Two champs standing beside the plaque.
- No.
300
00:12:28,670 --> 00:12:30,837
- I don't want any proof that this--
I'd be honored.
301
00:12:30,871 --> 00:12:34,274
Okay, on the count of three, I want
you to say "I love Bonerz-zz."
302
00:12:34,308 --> 00:12:36,543
A little closer.
One, two, three.
303
00:12:36,577 --> 00:12:40,046
I love Bonerz-zz.
304
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,382
They've gotta change that name.
305
00:12:42,416 --> 00:12:46,252
♪ No matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
306
00:12:46,286 --> 00:12:50,689
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪
307
00:12:50,724 --> 00:12:53,191
All right, sitting on the floor.
308
00:12:53,226 --> 00:12:54,727
You guys got some more pillows, I see.
309
00:12:54,761 --> 00:12:57,529
- Yeah, they are new actually.
- Yeah, pier 1. Right?
310
00:12:57,564 --> 00:12:59,865
- No.
- This is like an opium den
311
00:12:59,899 --> 00:13:02,300
for losers. I love it.
312
00:13:02,334 --> 00:13:05,303
Sorry I'm late. Whoa-aa!
Wow, that snow is insane.
313
00:13:05,337 --> 00:13:07,037
Hey, Jules.
314
00:13:07,072 --> 00:13:10,474
- Hey, Tim.
- So you guys know each other?
315
00:13:10,508 --> 00:13:11,975
Yeah, through Amy.
316
00:13:12,009 --> 00:13:14,344
- He grabbed my ass at new year's.
- Why are you bring--
317
00:13:14,379 --> 00:13:17,414
you grabbed my ass at new year's.
Let's just say what happened.
318
00:13:17,448 --> 00:13:19,683
It looks like Amy's from a distance.
319
00:13:19,717 --> 00:13:21,451
- It's all good memories.
- Let's just move on.
320
00:13:21,486 --> 00:13:23,086
- Yeah.
- Yeah, let's move on.
321
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,555
- All right, let's do this. Who's ready?
- Yeah.
322
00:13:25,590 --> 00:13:29,124
- Game night! What are we gonna play first?
- I brought trivial pursuit.
323
00:13:29,159 --> 00:13:32,194
Now come on, let's just play jenga.
We always play jenga.
324
00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:33,796
- Uh, we can't.
- What do you mean?
325
00:13:33,830 --> 00:13:37,633
I mean, I gave it to toys
for tots last Christmas.
326
00:13:37,668 --> 00:13:39,502
To-- toys f-- tell me
you didn't just say that.
327
00:13:39,536 --> 00:13:42,171
- It's not that big of a deal.
- You threw away
328
00:13:42,205 --> 00:13:43,772
the best game ever invented,
329
00:13:43,806 --> 00:13:46,007
the game which I have dominated
330
00:13:46,041 --> 00:13:48,209
- since the late '90s?
- Let's just play
331
00:13:48,243 --> 00:13:49,778
- the game that Julie brought.
- No.
332
00:13:49,812 --> 00:13:53,014
It's all set up. I have all the pies.
I have a booster kit.
333
00:13:53,048 --> 00:13:55,617
- Whoops. Oh, my wine! I spilled the wine.
- What? That was not--
334
00:13:55,651 --> 00:13:57,251
- That was not a whoops.
- Can I talk to you?
335
00:13:57,286 --> 00:13:59,720
- Can I talk to you? I'm talking to you.
- No, Tim, I need--
336
00:13:59,754 --> 00:14:01,422
- No. No.
- You're not talking to me.
337
00:14:01,456 --> 00:14:03,890
- Do not do this.
- Are you kidding me with toys for fucking tots?
338
00:14:03,925 --> 00:14:06,627
- Again?
- What are the tots doing with my game?
339
00:14:06,661 --> 00:14:08,862
- My friends do not like you.
- Oh, please.
340
00:14:08,896 --> 00:14:11,598
Do me a fa-- you know they
don't like you. Just try.
341
00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:14,267
- How do you not--
- Can you just try to make a good impression?
342
00:14:14,302 --> 00:14:16,936
- How do you not like Tim?
- Tim, they think you're an idiot.
343
00:14:16,970 --> 00:14:19,939
All right, you know what?
I'll be the bigger man. I'll be a good host
344
00:14:19,973 --> 00:14:22,208
- and uh, suck it up.
- Thank you.
345
00:14:22,242 --> 00:14:25,445
Everyone, we've thought it through
and the smart play is definitely
346
00:14:25,479 --> 00:14:29,048
- for Tim to zip out and buy jenga real quick.
- What?!
347
00:14:29,082 --> 00:14:31,683
- It's gotta happen. It's gonna happen.
- It's freezing out there.
348
00:14:31,718 --> 00:14:33,785
- Serious, it is blizzarding.
- Dude, it is so cold out there.
349
00:14:33,820 --> 00:14:35,654
- This is not--
- Look at me, I'm a tough man.
350
00:14:35,688 --> 00:14:37,823
We did not agree-- this
is not what we agreed to.
351
00:14:37,857 --> 00:14:40,826
No, this has all been agreed upon.
I'll be back in half hour tops.
352
00:14:40,860 --> 00:14:44,262
Make chitchat.
Have some crackers.
353
00:14:44,296 --> 00:14:48,332
This is gonna be a fun night.
I think this was a good decision.
354
00:14:50,502 --> 00:14:53,136
What kind of ridiculous
girlfriend gives away jenga?
355
00:14:53,171 --> 00:14:55,239
- Oh, D-Debbie?!
- Tim.
356
00:14:55,273 --> 00:14:57,842
- What are you doing out here?
- Oh, you know.
357
00:14:57,876 --> 00:15:01,078
- No, I don't. It's freezing!
- Well, I was working
358
00:15:01,112 --> 00:15:05,815
and then a potential client
offered me $10 to lick my butt.
359
00:15:05,850 --> 00:15:08,184
- Lick your butt?
- I said, "Go ahead,"
360
00:15:08,218 --> 00:15:09,952
lick me where the good lord split me.
361
00:15:09,987 --> 00:15:13,122
- That's a weird story.
- It gets weirder.
362
00:15:13,156 --> 00:15:15,625
He got it all wet up in there.
363
00:15:15,659 --> 00:15:19,194
And I leaned up in my sexy Debbie pose
364
00:15:19,228 --> 00:15:22,564
- and my butt got stuck to the pole.
- Oh, no.
365
00:15:22,599 --> 00:15:25,401
Frozen pole-butt--
ain't nothing worse.
366
00:15:25,435 --> 00:15:27,168
Frozen pole-butt
is pretty bad.
367
00:15:27,203 --> 00:15:29,638
- You're telling me?
- We just gotta get you off of there.
368
00:15:29,672 --> 00:15:33,442
I know. I had to fart
like two minutes ago.
369
00:15:33,476 --> 00:15:35,109
Too much--
too much information.
370
00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:37,344
I couldn't do it, Tim. I couldn't do it.
371
00:15:37,379 --> 00:15:39,881
Let me-- let me run into that store.
Let me see if they got anything.
372
00:15:39,915 --> 00:15:41,416
- Oh please, Tim.
- Sit tight, sit tight.
373
00:15:41,450 --> 00:15:45,352
I can't sit, but thank you.
374
00:15:45,387 --> 00:15:47,822
Um, why don't we play
something while we wait?
375
00:15:47,856 --> 00:15:50,490
- Uh, we can play, like, truth or dare.
- Spin the bottle?
376
00:15:50,525 --> 00:15:52,726
- I'm not playing that with you. No.
- Yeah, no.
377
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,595
How 'bout we play how did
you lose your virginity?
378
00:15:55,630 --> 00:15:58,197
- What? No, come on.
- Who popped your cherry in your case.
379
00:15:58,232 --> 00:16:01,601
- Yeah, I got it when you said the virginity thing.
- Is that a game or is--?
380
00:16:01,636 --> 00:16:03,904
Yeah yeah yeah. We'll each tell
our story, then we'll vote.
381
00:16:03,938 --> 00:16:05,872
Best story wins five
bucks from everybody.
382
00:16:05,907 --> 00:16:09,041
- Uh, mine's real good.
- Okay, Stu, you start.
383
00:16:09,075 --> 00:16:11,477
Very well.
384
00:16:11,511 --> 00:16:13,679
I was in high-school
biology class
385
00:16:13,713 --> 00:16:15,681
- dissecting a frog--
- That's the way it starts, bro?
386
00:16:15,715 --> 00:16:18,283
Who's telling the story, dicklick?
387
00:16:18,318 --> 00:16:21,821
I was in
high-school biology class
388
00:16:21,855 --> 00:16:26,458
dissecting a frog and my
teacher was incredibly hot--
389
00:16:26,492 --> 00:16:28,626
like, Celine Dion
four months pregnant hot.
390
00:16:28,661 --> 00:16:31,095
All right, that's enough, Stuart.
391
00:16:31,129 --> 00:16:32,597
Oh, have you had enough of me?
392
00:16:32,631 --> 00:16:34,933
- Yes, Stuart, I've had enough of you.
- Are you sure?
393
00:16:34,967 --> 00:16:37,502
'Cause it sounds like
somebody wants to get
394
00:16:37,536 --> 00:16:39,736
Stu-uu-'d.
395
00:16:39,771 --> 00:16:41,772
Just thought of that catchphrase.
396
00:16:41,806 --> 00:16:43,507
I'm gonna use it from now on.
397
00:16:43,541 --> 00:16:47,177
Stu, your rebellious bad-boy
attitude might be sexy
398
00:16:47,211 --> 00:16:49,646
- to some teachers and administrators...
- Really?
399
00:16:49,681 --> 00:16:51,748
...but not me. I wanna
see you after school
400
00:16:51,783 --> 00:16:53,951
- in my office, alone.
- Okay.
401
00:16:53,985 --> 00:16:57,887
And don't wear any pants.
Because you are gonna get spanked
402
00:16:57,921 --> 00:17:01,156
and spanked and spanked.
403
00:17:01,191 --> 00:17:02,358
Bullshit alert.
404
00:17:02,392 --> 00:17:04,293
- Did not happen.
- You have to tell the truth.
405
00:17:04,327 --> 00:17:05,561
That story's true--
start to finish.
406
00:17:05,596 --> 00:17:07,530
- Not true.
- If I were lying,
407
00:17:07,564 --> 00:17:09,465
how would I know that
when I had sex with her
408
00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:11,099
there were a bunch
of teachers in there
409
00:17:11,133 --> 00:17:14,302
and I was so good at sex that they
gave me a faculty parking spot
410
00:17:14,336 --> 00:17:17,706
and I was the only kid who
was allowed to drink coffee?
411
00:17:17,740 --> 00:17:21,610
- These are close friends of Tim?
- I don't know what to say.
412
00:17:24,079 --> 00:17:26,147
Hey, excuse me.
Do you have any olive oil here?
413
00:17:26,181 --> 00:17:28,949
Do we have olive oil?
414
00:17:28,984 --> 00:17:30,784
That's what I asked you.
415
00:17:30,819 --> 00:17:32,987
Does fresh juniper
go well with venison?
416
00:17:33,021 --> 00:17:36,490
I have no idea.
417
00:17:36,525 --> 00:17:38,726
Oh, it does. It does.
418
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:40,928
- It goes well with venison, that's why--
- Oh, gourmet humor.
419
00:17:40,962 --> 00:17:43,530
It's a-- it's a joke.
It's a joke I like to--
420
00:17:43,564 --> 00:17:45,432
I like to keep it light.
421
00:17:45,466 --> 00:17:48,335
I'm gonna recommend this
one if you want olive oil.
422
00:17:48,369 --> 00:17:50,837
It's from Puglia,
all right? It's $10.99.
423
00:17:50,871 --> 00:17:52,906
- It's--
- I don't understand half the words you're using.
424
00:17:52,940 --> 00:17:55,409
It's infused with truffles.
Do you understand that?
425
00:17:55,443 --> 00:17:57,744
It's divine. Do you understand that?
426
00:17:57,778 --> 00:17:59,211
Just give me the cheapest one you got.
427
00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:00,913
Oh, come on, you're gonna love it.
You'll thank me.
428
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:03,049
I really don't want it.
Just give me the cheap one, come on.
429
00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:06,419
- If you put this on arugula, you're in heaven.
- Knock it off.
430
00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:09,221
- Do people ever say you're annoying?
- Uh, no, they don't.
431
00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:12,024
- They don't ever say that to you?
- You know what they say to me?
432
00:18:12,059 --> 00:18:14,826
They say thank you.
433
00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:17,062
My story's gonna blow Stu's away.
434
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,597
I don't even need to embellish
because it's all true.
435
00:18:19,631 --> 00:18:21,666
- Oh, this'll be fun.
- I was 12 years old
436
00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:24,402
and my old man said, "Put
down the baseball mitt, Rod.
437
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:27,205
- We're going to a whorehouse."
- Okay.
438
00:18:27,239 --> 00:18:30,208
Rodney, we did not drive two
hours to buffalo, New York,
439
00:18:30,242 --> 00:18:32,409
for you to lay there with a limp dick!
440
00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:34,711
- Dad, I don't know what to do.
- Just shove it in.
441
00:18:34,745 --> 00:18:36,513
Shove what?
Where do you want me to shove it?
442
00:18:36,548 --> 00:18:39,916
- Jeez, I have to do everything. Relax.
- No!
443
00:18:39,951 --> 00:18:42,652
No, don't do that.
Mom! Mom!
444
00:18:42,687 --> 00:18:44,821
That was horrific.
445
00:18:44,855 --> 00:18:47,290
That could not be
considered a good memory.
446
00:18:47,324 --> 00:18:49,292
No, I mean, my dad wasn't
around much growing up,
447
00:18:49,326 --> 00:18:51,494
so any bonding experience whatsoever
448
00:18:51,528 --> 00:18:53,996
is a good memory for me.
449
00:18:54,030 --> 00:18:56,332
All right, Debbie, I'm gonna
pour it on your butt,
450
00:18:56,366 --> 00:18:58,734
- and then I need you to shimmy--
- Oh, I can do that.
451
00:18:58,768 --> 00:19:00,336
All right.
And shimmy.
452
00:19:00,370 --> 00:19:02,238
- Ooh. Whoo-hoo, ooh.
- Shimmy.
453
00:19:02,272 --> 00:19:03,938
- Shimmy.
- Oh, I think it's working, Tim.
454
00:19:03,973 --> 00:19:06,007
- Is it working?
- Ooh, you need to-- you need to patent this.
455
00:19:06,041 --> 00:19:09,611
- All right.
- "Tim's gourmet pole-butt remover," you could call it.
456
00:19:09,645 --> 00:19:11,346
- I like that.
- Oh, I'm free!
457
00:19:11,380 --> 00:19:13,148
- Oh, look at that.
- Tim.
458
00:19:13,182 --> 00:19:14,583
Oh, look at that.
That's exciting.
459
00:19:14,617 --> 00:19:17,018
You a godsend, an angel
sent from heaven.
460
00:19:17,052 --> 00:19:19,587
- I really am.
- I'm going inside.
461
00:19:19,621 --> 00:19:23,124
What are you doing out here
in this crazy weather anyway?
462
00:19:23,158 --> 00:19:27,261
Oh, man, I gotta-- I gotta get
across town and buy jenga.
463
00:19:27,295 --> 00:19:30,131
- What?
- The board game by-- by Hasbro.
464
00:19:30,165 --> 00:19:35,002
Tim, we lead very
different lives, don't we?
465
00:19:35,036 --> 00:19:37,737
- Hello.
- Hey, Bashko.
466
00:19:37,771 --> 00:19:40,072
Sorry to stick head
in door like criminal,
467
00:19:40,107 --> 00:19:41,774
but please do not use water.
468
00:19:41,808 --> 00:19:43,743
- Pipes is frozen.
- Dude, you should come in
469
00:19:43,777 --> 00:19:45,878
- and play this game with us.
- What, jenga?
470
00:19:45,912 --> 00:19:47,913
No, Tim is undefeated, he tells me.
471
00:19:47,948 --> 00:19:50,983
No. We're actually playing how
did you lose your virginity?
472
00:19:51,018 --> 00:19:53,185
Let's see.
It happen in Ukraine.
473
00:19:53,219 --> 00:19:56,788
Invite her on picnic.
We ate cheese.
474
00:19:56,822 --> 00:20:00,825
We drink wine. Then we make love
for what seemed like hours.
475
00:20:00,860 --> 00:20:02,727
That's actually like a
really beautiful story.
476
00:20:02,762 --> 00:20:05,096
Did I mention she was goat?
477
00:20:05,131 --> 00:20:08,533
When I look into our eyes,
I don't see a goat.
478
00:20:08,567 --> 00:20:12,002
I see a beautiful woman
who happens to be stuck
479
00:20:12,037 --> 00:20:14,405
in the body of a male goat.
480
00:20:14,439 --> 00:20:16,407
I love you male goat woman.
481
00:20:17,976 --> 00:20:21,945
Anyway, stay cool.
That's a joke. Stay warm.
482
00:20:22,981 --> 00:20:24,247
All right, ring her up.
483
00:20:24,282 --> 00:20:25,815
Really coming down out there, huh?
484
00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:28,351
- Ridiculous.
- Boy, you must've really needed jenga.
485
00:20:28,386 --> 00:20:30,187
I really like the game.
486
00:20:30,221 --> 00:20:33,290
All right,
$12.29 with tax.
487
00:20:33,324 --> 00:20:35,358
Oh, no, I only have $9 left.
488
00:20:35,393 --> 00:20:36,859
Oops.
489
00:20:36,894 --> 00:20:38,395
Did you screw up?
Is it cheaper than that?
490
00:20:38,429 --> 00:20:40,196
- No. No. It's $12.29.
- I'm saying--
491
00:20:40,230 --> 00:20:42,764
- you're saying oops on my behalf.
- I'm saying, "Oops,"
492
00:20:42,799 --> 00:20:44,466
you made a mistake by not
having the necessary money."
493
00:20:44,501 --> 00:20:46,768
- Uh, can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
494
00:20:46,803 --> 00:20:49,771
- Does Kmart barter?
- Barter?
495
00:20:49,806 --> 00:20:52,040
- Like--
- Like in olden times when someone would say,
496
00:20:52,075 --> 00:20:54,276
"Hey, I'll give you a chicken,
you give me some salt"?
497
00:20:54,311 --> 00:20:55,743
- No, we don't do that.
- How come?
498
00:20:55,777 --> 00:20:58,946
How come?
Well, we're just in modern times.
499
00:20:58,980 --> 00:21:01,549
That's the only problem-- that it's today.
If it weren't today
500
00:21:01,584 --> 00:21:03,084
- we could do it, but it is.
- Why are you--
501
00:21:03,118 --> 00:21:06,020
why are you so hung up on the
age that we're living in?
502
00:21:06,054 --> 00:21:07,855
Just barter with me, take the oil.
503
00:21:07,889 --> 00:21:09,990
Look what happens when I
try to put this olive oil
504
00:21:10,025 --> 00:21:12,892
in the cash register. Look, doesn't fit.
505
00:21:12,927 --> 00:21:16,996
I don't have a tray the size
of this bottle of olive oil.
506
00:21:17,031 --> 00:21:20,267
- Do I?
- You're just being a jerk at this point.
507
00:21:20,301 --> 00:21:23,002
Guys, I'm starting to get
a little worried about Tim.
508
00:21:23,037 --> 00:21:25,239
Ah, Tim's fine.
Let's hear your story.
509
00:21:25,273 --> 00:21:27,274
You know, I don't think I've
ever even heard this story.
510
00:21:27,308 --> 00:21:30,343
Amy's gonna describe herself
having sex. Shut up!
511
00:21:30,377 --> 00:21:33,613
I actually haven't even
ever told Tim this, but um,
512
00:21:33,647 --> 00:21:36,415
- I lost my virginity to him.
- Really?!
513
00:21:36,450 --> 00:21:37,784
Ugh.
514
00:21:37,818 --> 00:21:43,022
♪ I wanna lay you down ♪
515
00:21:43,057 --> 00:21:44,990
♪ rub it in between
my cheeks ... ♪
516
00:21:45,024 --> 00:21:47,192
So do you believe in soulmates?
517
00:21:47,227 --> 00:21:50,262
I sure as heck do.
518
00:21:50,296 --> 00:21:52,097
Aw-ww.
519
00:21:52,132 --> 00:21:54,566
You're like Katherine
Heigl in that story.
520
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:58,070
- It was really romantic.
- Look who's home.
521
00:21:58,104 --> 00:21:59,704
- Aw-ww.
- Hey, Tim.
522
00:21:59,739 --> 00:22:01,505
- Timmy.
- 10 minutes flat.
523
00:22:01,539 --> 00:22:03,841
- Where's jenga?
- I had a change of heart.
524
00:22:03,876 --> 00:22:06,844
I didn't get the game.
I just instead...
525
00:22:06,879 --> 00:22:09,247
Thought you might like
this gourmet olive oil.
526
00:22:09,281 --> 00:22:11,582
That's so nice.
But random.
527
00:22:11,616 --> 00:22:13,651
- Thank you.
- Yeah, well, you know, it's just-- it's for you.
528
00:22:13,685 --> 00:22:15,386
Yeah, we don't need jenga anyway.
529
00:22:15,420 --> 00:22:17,754
We're playing how did you
lose your virginity?
530
00:22:17,789 --> 00:22:20,257
That's a probing question,
that's not a game, that's--
531
00:22:20,291 --> 00:22:22,959
- come on, Tim.
- All right, fine.
532
00:22:22,994 --> 00:22:24,961
It's actually a pretty good story.
533
00:22:24,996 --> 00:22:26,462
It was my homecoming weekend
534
00:22:26,497 --> 00:22:28,765
- of sophomore year at college.
- Mm-hmm.
535
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:31,768
And I was pledging a frat.
536
00:22:31,802 --> 00:22:33,936
Okay, little dudes,
537
00:22:33,970 --> 00:22:36,605
welcome to the annual
Dick Bonington's Humpathon.
538
00:22:36,639 --> 00:22:40,409
Any pledge who
can nail five women in one weekend
539
00:22:40,443 --> 00:22:42,978
is granted automatic admission.
540
00:22:43,013 --> 00:22:46,015
Gentlemen, start your boners.
541
00:22:46,049 --> 00:22:48,349
- Dick Bonington's what?!
- Humpathon.
542
00:22:48,383 --> 00:22:50,985
Trust me, this story
comes around in the end.
543
00:22:51,020 --> 00:22:52,921
Uh, so that afternoon,
I lost my virginity
544
00:22:52,955 --> 00:22:56,424
to a woman named Brenda
who worked at the cafeteria.
545
00:22:56,458 --> 00:22:59,760
And later that night, double-teamed
two sorority girls.
546
00:22:59,795 --> 00:23:01,595
It's kind of sloppy,
but counted twice.
547
00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:04,597
- Hey now.
- Technically, Amy was #4,
548
00:23:04,632 --> 00:23:08,268
but I knew I was in love. I told the
frat I was quitting the contest
549
00:23:08,303 --> 00:23:11,503
- 'cause I didn't wanna go through with the fifth.
- Wow, that's romantic as shit.
550
00:23:11,538 --> 00:23:13,572
I'm disappointed, but I understand.
551
00:23:13,606 --> 00:23:15,241
Dick Bonington would have been proud.
552
00:23:15,275 --> 00:23:16,976
Thank you, that's really
nice of you to say.
553
00:23:17,010 --> 00:23:20,679
I don't even know what I just said.
I'm fucked up as all hell.
554
00:23:20,714 --> 00:23:23,916
I-- I knew I was in love.
Isn't that romantic?
555
00:23:23,951 --> 00:23:25,751
I'm just gonna go out on a limb here
556
00:23:25,785 --> 00:23:28,186
and say no--
not romantic,
557
00:23:28,221 --> 00:23:30,255
Tim.
558
00:23:30,289 --> 00:23:32,357
Amy, hey, what are you--
559
00:23:32,391 --> 00:23:35,060
What am I missing here?
I did not go through with the fifth
560
00:23:35,094 --> 00:23:36,995
- 'cause I was in love--
With the fourth.
561
00:23:37,029 --> 00:23:40,265
- No one sees the romance?
- If it's any consolation,
562
00:23:40,299 --> 00:23:43,800
- you win this contest.
- Oh wow, 20 bucks.
563
00:23:43,835 --> 00:23:45,936
You're never coming back
for game night, are you?
564
00:23:45,971 --> 00:23:47,238
No.
565
00:23:47,272 --> 00:23:49,907
This is why I play jenga.
566
00:23:49,941 --> 00:24:01,650
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
567
00:24:01,685 --> 00:24:06,522
♪ I bet a nickel I could tell
you if it was heads or tails ♪
568
00:24:06,556 --> 00:24:10,526
♪ I'm not gonna worry
wrinkles in my brow ♪
569
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:14,797
♪ 'cause nothing's ever
gonna be all right nohow ♪
570
00:24:14,831 --> 00:24:18,767
♪ no matter how
I struggle and strive ♪
571
00:24:18,801 --> 00:24:24,239
♪ I'll never get out
of this world alive. ♪