1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:03,840 Tracy, Jenna. 2 00:00:03,878 --> 00:00:05,124 We all know what happen 3 00:00:05,125 --> 00:00:07,457 when you hosted the St. Patrick's day parade 4 00:00:07,458 --> 00:00:08,393 three years ago. 5 00:00:10,122 --> 00:00:11,256 Wake up, mother-. 6 00:00:11,290 --> 00:00:13,008 And when you hosted two years ago. 7 00:00:13,042 --> 00:00:14,542 Die, demon! 8 00:00:14,593 --> 00:00:16,327 Why didn't you ever call me back? 9 00:00:16,345 --> 00:00:18,563 Unfortunately, unless Harry's law 10 00:00:18,597 --> 00:00:20,048 really took off this week and no one told me, 11 00:00:20,082 --> 00:00:22,550 you two are the biggest stars at the network. 12 00:00:22,601 --> 00:00:24,552 But this year, everything you say 13 00:00:24,603 --> 00:00:26,337 will be scripted and on prompter. 14 00:00:26,355 --> 00:00:28,974 Do not deviate from the script. 15 00:00:29,008 --> 00:00:30,809 Jack, Tracy and I are total pros. 16 00:00:30,843 --> 00:00:32,060 On television, 17 00:00:32,111 --> 00:00:34,195 and when it comes to the assisted suicide debate. 18 00:00:34,230 --> 00:00:38,700 Secret handshake, my baloney. 19 00:00:38,734 --> 00:00:40,285 Hazel, I won't be here tomorrow, 20 00:00:40,319 --> 00:00:43,154 so... I wanted to give you this. 21 00:00:43,188 --> 00:00:45,040 It's the tail I had until I was 16. 22 00:00:45,074 --> 00:00:47,742 Well, don't worry about the parade. 23 00:00:47,793 --> 00:00:49,160 I'll take care of Tracy and Jenna 24 00:00:49,194 --> 00:00:51,046 like they're my own children. 25 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:52,213 Which is a bad example, 26 00:00:52,248 --> 00:00:56,301 because I left my kids at a sears in 2004. 27 00:00:56,335 --> 00:00:58,870 I told you about Mr. Jordan's allergies, right? 28 00:00:58,888 --> 00:01:00,088 Yes, Kenneth. 29 00:01:00,139 --> 00:01:01,556 He's only allergic to allergy medication. 30 00:01:01,590 --> 00:01:04,208 But he loves it. And Ms. Mulroney's... 31 00:01:04,226 --> 00:01:06,544 Kenneth, let go. This is my rodeo now. 32 00:01:06,562 --> 00:01:09,064 Well, not literally, of course. 33 00:01:09,098 --> 00:01:12,383 The U.S. Rodeo Association does not lift lifetime bans. 34 00:01:15,104 --> 00:01:17,856 So are you gonna work through St. Patrick's day? 35 00:01:17,890 --> 00:01:20,275 Don't you want to celebrate Ireland's great accomplishments, 36 00:01:20,326 --> 00:01:23,361 like Michael Lohan and vomiting into a bagpipe? 37 00:01:23,395 --> 00:01:24,529 Lemon, so I take it 38 00:01:24,563 --> 00:01:25,914 you will not be wearing green tomorrow. 39 00:01:25,948 --> 00:01:27,615 I will be wearing head-to-toe orange, 40 00:01:27,666 --> 00:01:29,918 in honor of protestant William of Orange, 41 00:01:29,952 --> 00:01:33,104 inventor of the Orange, according to Yahoo answers. 44 00:01:36,675 --> 00:01:37,842 with an old tooth stuck in it. 45 00:01:37,877 --> 00:01:39,377 Well, you'll never see me, 46 00:01:39,411 --> 00:01:41,346 'cause I don't leave my house on St. Patrick's day. 47 00:01:41,380 --> 00:01:43,932 Criss and I are going to ride out hurricane shamrock 48 00:01:43,966 --> 00:01:46,250 holed up in my apartment, 49 00:01:46,268 --> 00:01:48,586 laughing at excerpts from Angela's ashes. 50 00:01:48,604 --> 00:01:50,555 You know, some people might find your attitude offensive. 51 00:01:50,589 --> 00:01:51,606 What are they going to do about it, 52 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,058 write a meandering play 53 00:01:53,092 --> 00:01:56,644 about how amazing the Irish are at not overcoming adversity? 54 00:01:56,695 --> 00:01:57,762 Well, I'm sorry we can't all belong 55 00:01:57,780 --> 00:01:59,764 to ethnic groups as beloved as the Germans. 56 00:01:59,782 --> 00:02:01,316 Please, without Germans, 57 00:02:01,367 --> 00:02:02,951 you wouldn't have any of the Indiana Jonesmovies. 58 00:02:02,985 --> 00:02:05,487 Lemon, your secret love of the Irish is well-documented. 59 00:02:05,538 --> 00:02:06,821 After all, I am your mentor, 60 00:02:06,872 --> 00:02:08,406 you dated Dennis Duffy, 61 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,274 and in the '90s, you gave money to the IRA. 62 00:02:10,292 --> 00:02:12,293 I thought it was contributing to a retirement account. 63 00:02:12,328 --> 00:02:13,945 You know, I think someone needs to learn 64 00:02:13,963 --> 00:02:16,014 a St. Patrick's day lesson. 65 00:02:19,552 --> 00:02:22,153 What is that? A curse? 66 00:02:22,188 --> 00:02:23,354 Take it back, you witch! 67 00:02:35,515 --> 00:02:38,015 30 ROCK S06 Ep 12 - St. Patrick's Day 68 00:02:38,276 --> 00:02:41,776 Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com 69 00:02:41,807 --> 00:02:42,974 This American life, 70 00:02:43,008 --> 00:02:45,360 Saturday, March 17th, St. Patrick's day. 71 00:02:45,394 --> 00:02:47,645 You know, everybody complains about the weather, 72 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:49,681 but today on the program, we meet somebody who actually... 73 00:02:50,900 --> 00:02:52,951 What are you doing? Get out of my studio! 74 00:02:52,985 --> 00:02:55,120 Happy St. Patrick's day! 75 00:02:55,154 --> 00:02:56,871 Let go of me! 76 00:02:56,906 --> 00:02:59,290 Didn't you hear my show on bullying? 77 00:02:59,325 --> 00:03:01,025 Criss, watch this. 78 00:03:02,194 --> 00:03:04,879 Megan! Megan! 79 00:03:06,332 --> 00:03:08,633 Look at them spin around. They're so confused. 80 00:03:08,667 --> 00:03:10,502 - Awesome. - It's too many Megans, right? 81 00:03:10,536 --> 00:03:11,669 I love you. 82 00:03:13,139 --> 00:03:14,923 I just ordered thai food. How much do you love me now? 83 00:03:16,058 --> 00:03:17,475 Man, they're fast. 84 00:03:17,510 --> 00:03:19,761 You know what, I can't wait till the asians take over. 85 00:03:19,812 --> 00:03:21,879 Thank God for delivery, keeping us inside 86 00:03:21,897 --> 00:03:24,315 and safe from all the Irish nonsense. 87 00:03:24,350 --> 00:03:25,316 Dummy. 88 00:03:25,351 --> 00:03:27,552 The curse. 89 00:03:27,570 --> 00:03:29,254 What's up? I'm Dennis, 90 00:03:29,288 --> 00:03:32,407 a former lover of Liz's.... 91 00:03:32,441 --> 00:03:34,492 I tried to steal beer from a Duane reade, 92 00:03:34,527 --> 00:03:36,578 and some black guy cold-cocked me. 93 00:03:36,612 --> 00:03:37,579 Like a security guard? 94 00:03:37,613 --> 00:03:38,863 I don't know, pal. 95 00:03:38,897 --> 00:03:42,951 I don't see people that way. 96 00:03:44,370 --> 00:03:45,837 No, no. No. 97 00:03:45,871 --> 00:03:48,573 Before we go on, 98 00:03:48,591 --> 00:03:50,375 - do you want to pray together? - Yeah. 99 00:03:50,409 --> 00:03:52,877 - Michael Jackson's ghost... - Great Kabbalah monster... 100 00:03:52,911 --> 00:03:55,380 NBC is showing the promo I worked on for the parade! 101 00:03:55,414 --> 00:03:56,548 I'm famous. 102 00:03:56,582 --> 00:03:59,384 And now back to NBC's live coverage 103 00:03:59,418 --> 00:04:01,119 of the 2012 St. Patrick's day parade, 104 00:04:01,153 --> 00:04:03,321 with hosts Jenna Maroney and Tracy Jordan. 105 00:04:03,355 --> 00:04:07,609 My God! They said my name first. 106 00:04:07,643 --> 00:04:09,027 But I'm more famous than you. 107 00:04:09,061 --> 00:04:13,147 This is probably some Hollywood prank, 108 00:04:13,199 --> 00:04:14,816 like on the set ocean's 12, 109 00:04:14,867 --> 00:04:17,035 when I put that snake in George Clooney's bed. 110 00:04:17,069 --> 00:04:18,620 I was not in the movie. 111 00:04:18,654 --> 00:04:20,538 Or maybe now that Kidz is a giant hit, 112 00:04:20,573 --> 00:04:22,323 I'm the one America wants to see. 113 00:04:22,374 --> 00:04:23,658 You better not be talking about 114 00:04:23,709 --> 00:04:25,210 my dear friend, America Ferrera. 115 00:04:25,244 --> 00:04:26,744 Get your stuff out of here, 116 00:04:26,778 --> 00:04:28,463 'cause I get the bigger dressing room now. 117 00:04:28,497 --> 00:04:29,914 I'll replace your lizard 118 00:04:29,948 --> 00:04:32,417 with a gay guy in a giant champagne bottle. 119 00:04:32,451 --> 00:04:33,751 Siri, kill Jenna! 120 00:04:33,785 --> 00:04:35,720 what's going on? 121 00:04:35,754 --> 00:04:37,755 I get second billing to this small-boobied grandma? 122 00:04:37,789 --> 00:04:40,925 No, you guys are friends, remember? "My baloney"? 123 00:04:40,959 --> 00:04:43,428 The only baloney Tracy has is the baloney he's full of. 124 00:04:43,462 --> 00:04:45,313 Why would you say that? 125 00:04:45,347 --> 00:04:46,898 You can't take that back. 126 00:04:48,133 --> 00:04:51,102 I killed Jenna elfman. Is that right? 127 00:04:51,136 --> 00:04:52,403 Did you show them the promo? 128 00:04:52,438 --> 00:04:55,523 Hazel, we don't let them watch NBC. 129 00:04:55,574 --> 00:04:56,941 Jenna thinks that Christina Aguilera 130 00:04:56,975 --> 00:04:58,309 lost her voice during childbirth, 131 00:04:58,327 --> 00:04:59,577 and Tracy doesn't need to know 132 00:04:59,612 --> 00:05:00,978 that he just became number two around here. 133 00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:02,830 That kind of mistake can ruin everything. 134 00:05:02,865 --> 00:05:05,483 I don't like the way you're talking to me. 135 00:05:05,501 --> 00:05:09,504 Why don't we drive to Sears? I'll buy you a toy. 136 00:05:14,627 --> 00:05:16,928 Excuse me. May I help you? 137 00:05:16,962 --> 00:05:18,680 What? We don't use your bathroom when you're not here. 138 00:05:18,714 --> 00:05:20,331 I'm Lutz. 139 00:05:20,349 --> 00:05:22,183 Frank, first of all, 140 00:05:22,217 --> 00:05:24,052 what are you doing here on a Saturday? 141 00:05:24,103 --> 00:05:26,287 None of the writers can go out on St. Patrick's day 142 00:05:26,322 --> 00:05:29,107 because we all have faces people naturally just want to punch. 143 00:05:29,141 --> 00:05:30,725 So we're all hiding out here, 144 00:05:30,776 --> 00:05:32,777 playing Colonizers of Malaar. 145 00:05:32,811 --> 00:05:34,228 It's a strategy board game 146 00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:36,447 from the makers Goblet quest and virginity keep. 147 00:05:36,482 --> 00:05:38,366 In Malaar, you build a kingdom 148 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,451 and battle for world domination. 149 00:05:40,486 --> 00:05:43,404 Right now, I'm just the Lord of the Karthian plains, 150 00:05:43,455 --> 00:05:45,073 but that means I control all the wheat! 151 00:05:45,124 --> 00:05:48,793 It's actually interesting. 152 00:05:48,827 --> 00:05:50,878 You have a monopoly on wheat. 153 00:05:50,913 --> 00:05:53,748 But what happens if you overproduce, flood the markets? 154 00:05:53,799 --> 00:05:55,083 Prices drop, your economy collapses. 155 00:05:55,134 --> 00:05:56,718 You've got to diversify, Frank. 156 00:05:56,752 --> 00:05:58,469 It's basic capitalism. 157 00:05:58,504 --> 00:06:00,004 What other resources do you have? 158 00:06:00,038 --> 00:06:01,673 Unicorns? 159 00:06:01,707 --> 00:06:03,308 Can you breed and sell them? 160 00:06:03,342 --> 00:06:04,892 There's got to be a market for unicorns. 161 00:06:04,927 --> 00:06:08,396 If I've learned anything from reading Liddy's princess books, 162 00:06:08,430 --> 00:06:10,598 unicorn hair has magical properties. 163 00:06:10,649 --> 00:06:11,649 You've got to know your product, Frank. 164 00:06:11,684 --> 00:06:13,267 That's awesome. 165 00:06:13,319 --> 00:06:14,569 It's nothing. 166 00:06:14,603 --> 00:06:16,404 That kind of thinking is what I do for a living. 167 00:06:16,438 --> 00:06:18,756 At least, I used to. 168 00:06:18,791 --> 00:06:20,558 You just have to replace "Malaar" 169 00:06:20,576 --> 00:06:22,443 with "Fairfield, Connecticut," 170 00:06:22,478 --> 00:06:25,563 and "unicorn" with... 171 00:06:25,597 --> 00:06:30,251 Unicorn," a death Ray. 172 00:06:30,285 --> 00:06:33,955 Hot dog truck, I went entrepreneur, too. 173 00:06:34,006 --> 00:06:35,373 I got this new business 174 00:06:35,407 --> 00:06:37,508 where I burn your old DVDs onto laserdisc. 175 00:06:37,543 --> 00:06:39,210 Dennis, 176 00:06:39,244 --> 00:06:41,012 I don't think you should be drinking with a head injury. 177 00:06:42,214 --> 00:06:43,965 That's a good Liz impression, Criss. 178 00:06:44,016 --> 00:06:46,134 She's a bummer. 179 00:06:46,185 --> 00:06:47,769 Well, 911 is still busy. 180 00:06:47,803 --> 00:06:50,688 What could be causing so many medical emergencies today? 181 00:06:50,723 --> 00:06:52,690 Right, an Irish religious festival. 182 00:06:52,725 --> 00:06:54,359 Irish pride! Go, Celtics! 183 00:06:54,393 --> 00:06:55,860 Celtics suck. Go, Knicks! 184 00:06:55,894 --> 00:06:57,595 As soon as I get through, I'm getting you an ambulance, 185 00:06:57,613 --> 00:06:59,313 and you are out of here, Dennis. 186 00:06:59,365 --> 00:07:00,782 No, no, no, no, no. I can't get into an ambulance. 187 00:07:00,816 --> 00:07:02,817 I don't have health insurance because of Obama. 188 00:07:02,868 --> 00:07:04,986 Look, Liz, I don't think he needs to go to the hospital 189 00:07:05,037 --> 00:07:06,821 for a concussion. I was a volunteer EMT. 190 00:07:06,872 --> 00:07:08,956 At burning man, and we agreed never to talk about that. 191 00:07:08,991 --> 00:07:10,742 At sunset, the CACTI start to resemble 192 00:07:10,776 --> 00:07:12,160 people looking for hugs. 193 00:07:12,211 --> 00:07:13,628 It gets ugly, Liz. 194 00:07:13,662 --> 00:07:15,913 You know, there's some things I miss about being with you, 195 00:07:15,947 --> 00:07:17,965 like having somewhere to hook my SEGA up to, 196 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,133 but this constant judgment... 197 00:07:19,168 --> 00:07:21,252 Criss deserves better. 198 00:07:21,286 --> 00:07:22,754 Criss, may I speak to you alone for a minute? 199 00:07:22,788 --> 00:07:25,423 No. Anything you need to say to him, 200 00:07:25,457 --> 00:07:26,591 you can say in front of me. 201 00:07:26,625 --> 00:07:28,309 Me and Criss... 202 00:07:28,343 --> 00:07:30,912 We're bang brothers.... 203 00:07:37,394 --> 00:07:39,695 God, live TV's such a rush. 204 00:07:39,730 --> 00:07:41,280 It's like sex, 205 00:07:41,315 --> 00:07:43,950 but your husband isn't looking at a picture of a bridge. 206 00:07:43,984 --> 00:07:47,403 Peter, can you explain this to me? 207 00:07:47,437 --> 00:07:49,539 Well, obviously I'm host number one. 208 00:07:49,573 --> 00:07:50,890 We all saw the promo. 209 00:07:50,924 --> 00:07:54,043 Hazel, the script had Tracy and Jenna's names in it. 210 00:07:54,077 --> 00:07:55,027 Did you change that? 211 00:07:55,062 --> 00:07:56,245 Duh! 212 00:07:56,279 --> 00:07:58,414 After you PMS-ed about their names yesterday, 213 00:07:58,448 --> 00:08:00,583 I thought numbers would make everyone happy. 214 00:08:00,617 --> 00:08:04,153 We're on in five, four, three... 215 00:08:04,188 --> 00:08:08,758 Welcome to the 2012 St. Patrick's day parade on NBC. 216 00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:11,093 They're both reading host number one. 217 00:08:11,127 --> 00:08:12,178 Would a third host help? 218 00:08:12,229 --> 00:08:13,763 I am S.A.G. eligible, 219 00:08:13,797 --> 00:08:16,682 but I will only do nude stuff if there's a mirror behind me. 220 00:08:16,733 --> 00:08:18,401 Forget the parade, Hazel! 221 00:08:18,435 --> 00:08:20,186 For six years, we've been tricking them 222 00:08:20,237 --> 00:08:21,771 into thinking they're friends, 223 00:08:21,805 --> 00:08:23,272 and you've undone all that in a day. 224 00:08:23,306 --> 00:08:25,107 I understand you have some interesting trivia 225 00:08:25,141 --> 00:08:27,210 about this year's parade. 226 00:08:27,244 --> 00:08:31,364 No way, that's amazing! 227 00:08:33,533 --> 00:08:36,285 No. I've moved on. 228 00:08:36,319 --> 00:08:39,321 I couldn't agree more. 229 00:08:44,261 --> 00:08:45,378 I'm playing two timber 230 00:08:45,429 --> 00:08:46,879 and one brick to build a bridge 231 00:08:46,930 --> 00:08:50,016 and establish a trading post in Midgar. 232 00:08:51,218 --> 00:08:52,184 That failed... 233 00:08:52,219 --> 00:08:55,154 And the Orcs raped everybody. 234 00:08:55,188 --> 00:08:59,058 Okay, and I am offering Frank 500 gold coins 235 00:08:59,109 --> 00:09:00,943 for the neutral land between the Elf kingdoms. 236 00:09:00,978 --> 00:09:02,979 - I'll double it. - The price is now 3000. 237 00:09:03,013 --> 00:09:04,614 - I'll mortgage Theowyn castle. - I'll take out a loan. 238 00:09:04,648 --> 00:09:06,399 Don't you see what you're doing? 239 00:09:06,450 --> 00:09:07,733 You're creating a real estate bubble, 240 00:09:07,784 --> 00:09:09,535 and the only person who'll benefit is sue, 241 00:09:09,569 --> 00:09:11,037 who'll buy up all the neutral land 242 00:09:11,071 --> 00:09:12,405 for cents on the dollar. 243 00:09:12,456 --> 00:09:13,706 Thanks a lot, Klootzak. 244 00:09:13,740 --> 00:09:15,124 I don't come to where you work and slap the... 245 00:09:15,158 --> 00:09:17,660 It's basic macroeconomics, people. 246 00:09:17,694 --> 00:09:19,545 None of you is fit to be king of Malaar. 247 00:09:19,579 --> 00:09:23,165 And you would presume to wield the scepter of Thalbain? 248 00:09:23,199 --> 00:09:25,418 Yes. 249 00:09:25,469 --> 00:09:29,305 Yes, I would. 250 00:09:29,339 --> 00:09:30,473 Why are you being nice to him? 251 00:09:30,507 --> 00:09:31,874 What, you want me to be jealous? 252 00:09:31,892 --> 00:09:34,310 I'm not that guy. I'm this guy. 253 00:09:34,344 --> 00:09:35,478 No, you need to know something. 254 00:09:35,512 --> 00:09:36,879 Dennis Duffy is like the Terminator 255 00:09:36,897 --> 00:09:38,547 with cheaper sunglasses. 256 00:09:38,565 --> 00:09:39,982 He just keeps coming back, 257 00:09:40,017 --> 00:09:42,401 because his potato brain thinks he still has a chance with me. 258 00:09:42,436 --> 00:09:44,737 Liz, you'll be back. 259 00:09:44,771 --> 00:09:46,322 If I ever see you again, I'll kill you. 260 00:09:46,356 --> 00:09:47,556 You'll be back. 261 00:09:47,574 --> 00:09:49,358 - Never again! - You'll be back, Liz Lemon. 262 00:09:49,393 --> 00:09:50,860 You'll be back. 263 00:09:50,894 --> 00:09:52,728 I'm not kicking Dennis out of here in his condition. 264 00:09:52,763 --> 00:09:54,413 Guy with a concussion on St. Patrick's day 265 00:09:54,448 --> 00:09:55,748 is like a horse with a broken leg. 266 00:09:55,782 --> 00:09:58,034 Exactly. We should shoot him. 267 00:09:58,068 --> 00:09:59,251 Don't you see what he's doing? 268 00:09:59,286 --> 00:10:01,454 He's already driving a wedge between us. 269 00:10:01,505 --> 00:10:04,957 Criss, get in here. There's a lez movie on showtime. 270 00:10:22,359 --> 00:10:23,726 Three again? 271 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:27,713 And your yak... Has smallpox. 272 00:10:27,748 --> 00:10:29,148 Rockefeller, no! 273 00:10:30,433 --> 00:10:31,550 What? 274 00:10:31,585 --> 00:10:33,285 Dennis is here. 275 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,671 Take back your curse. This isn't funny anymore. 276 00:10:35,706 --> 00:10:37,323 Really? You're cursed? 277 00:10:37,374 --> 00:10:39,275 Try ruling over the desert wastelands of Kroth 278 00:10:39,309 --> 00:10:40,826 with no spell cards. 279 00:10:40,877 --> 00:10:43,796 Are you playing Colonizers of Lamar with the writers? 280 00:10:43,830 --> 00:10:46,882 Malaar, and this game is just dumb luck. 281 00:10:46,917 --> 00:10:49,335 I dug all these trenches to irrigate the desert... 282 00:10:49,386 --> 00:10:51,504 But no one's playing his rain ca... 283 00:10:53,557 --> 00:10:56,225 I'm trapped in a barren wasteland, 284 00:10:56,259 --> 00:10:58,728 and no matter what I do, I can't get out. 285 00:10:58,762 --> 00:10:59,729 Wait. 286 00:11:01,148 --> 00:11:03,816 My God, it's happening again. 287 00:11:03,850 --> 00:11:06,736 The desert of Kroth is Kabletown. 288 00:11:06,770 --> 00:11:08,854 I've got to get some fresh air. 289 00:11:08,905 --> 00:11:11,073 So fine, two can play at this game. 290 00:11:11,108 --> 00:11:13,776 I'm putting an old German curse on you. 291 00:11:18,949 --> 00:11:21,450 - Dennis had a great idea. - No. 292 00:11:21,484 --> 00:11:23,119 I should take the hot dog truck out after the parade, 293 00:11:23,153 --> 00:11:24,837 and sell empty buns to drunk people. 294 00:11:24,871 --> 00:11:27,206 My God, Criss, he's just trying to get me alone 295 00:11:27,257 --> 00:11:30,376 so he can start a gas leak or claim squatter's rights 296 00:11:30,410 --> 00:11:31,710 or hit me over the head, 297 00:11:31,762 --> 00:11:33,929 and when I wake up, we're on our honeymoon. 298 00:11:33,964 --> 00:11:35,297 At seaworld. 299 00:11:35,331 --> 00:11:36,932 Are you sure this is Dennis's obsession? 300 00:11:36,967 --> 00:11:39,518 'Cause you're the one who can't seem to stop talking about him. 301 00:11:39,553 --> 00:11:42,104 Are you kidding? I know Dennis Duffy's brain. 302 00:11:42,139 --> 00:11:44,173 I saw some of it when he jumped on the ice 303 00:11:44,191 --> 00:11:45,274 during an islanders game. 304 00:11:45,308 --> 00:11:46,692 His next move will be 305 00:11:46,726 --> 00:11:51,530 mentioning some fake girlfriend to try to make me jealous... 306 00:11:51,565 --> 00:11:54,116 But I'm going to turn it against him. 307 00:11:54,151 --> 00:11:58,571 And once again, the puppet will become the puppet master. 308 00:11:58,622 --> 00:11:59,738 What does that mean, "once again"? 309 00:11:59,790 --> 00:12:01,824 That's not a thing. 310 00:12:01,858 --> 00:12:05,861 This ends right now. 311 00:12:07,431 --> 00:12:09,548 Dude, you missed the end of the lez movie. 312 00:12:09,583 --> 00:12:11,584 Their daughter, she goes off to college, 313 00:12:11,635 --> 00:12:13,419 and Mark Ruffalo, he's just gonna do 314 00:12:13,470 --> 00:12:14,753 his own thing with the restaurant. 315 00:12:14,805 --> 00:12:16,639 Look, is there anyone you want us to call 316 00:12:16,673 --> 00:12:18,307 to let them know you're okay? 317 00:12:18,341 --> 00:12:20,226 I left a message for Megan earlier, 318 00:12:20,260 --> 00:12:21,243 but it's hard for her to answer her phone, 319 00:12:21,278 --> 00:12:22,812 'cause her boobs are so big. 320 00:12:22,846 --> 00:12:24,980 I'm sorry, and who's Megan? 321 00:12:25,015 --> 00:12:26,816 She's my lady, Liz. I'm seeing someone. 322 00:12:26,850 --> 00:12:28,767 She's a card girl at kangaroo boxing matches, 323 00:12:28,819 --> 00:12:31,987 so she's got a body, and she's loaded. 324 00:12:32,022 --> 00:12:34,023 Her grandfather invented the stop sign. 325 00:12:34,057 --> 00:12:36,025 Wait, are you saying you're over me? 326 00:12:36,059 --> 00:12:37,776 Elizabeth, don't do this. 327 00:12:37,828 --> 00:12:40,029 Because I am not over you. 328 00:12:40,063 --> 00:12:41,530 I never will be! 329 00:12:41,564 --> 00:12:44,834 I love you, Dennis. I love you so much... 330 00:12:44,868 --> 00:12:46,452 What the hell, Liz? 331 00:12:46,503 --> 00:12:48,704 No, Criss, I'm just proving my point. 332 00:12:48,738 --> 00:12:50,289 I don't care what you're doing. 333 00:12:50,323 --> 00:12:51,841 So it turns out you can't say "I love you," 334 00:12:51,875 --> 00:12:54,093 - just not to me. - Wait, what? 335 00:12:54,127 --> 00:12:55,544 It's not like you haven't had the chance to say it. 336 00:12:55,578 --> 00:12:58,380 - Love you. - You're the best. 337 00:12:58,414 --> 00:13:00,766 - Love you. - Scooby-doo. 338 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,018 - I love you. - I just ordered thai food. 339 00:13:03,053 --> 00:13:05,221 And I thought you were just emotionally infantile. 340 00:13:05,255 --> 00:13:07,857 I am! Me baby. 341 00:13:07,891 --> 00:13:09,308 Yeah. I'm gonna take the truck out. 342 00:13:09,359 --> 00:13:12,561 No, it's happening. The wedge! 343 00:13:14,147 --> 00:13:16,615 Liz, we need to talk. 344 00:13:16,650 --> 00:13:19,318 Open the bag of wine. 345 00:13:19,369 --> 00:13:21,270 And we're back with our live coverage 346 00:13:21,288 --> 00:13:22,905 of the St. Patrick's day parade. 347 00:13:22,939 --> 00:13:26,158 I'm Al Roker, taking over for Jenna Maroney and Tracy Jordan. 348 00:13:26,193 --> 00:13:28,443 He should have said my name first. 349 00:13:28,461 --> 00:13:30,045 Roker should be on my side. 350 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,665 Why, because you both have had huge weight fluctuations? 351 00:13:38,371 --> 00:13:39,955 What? 352 00:13:39,973 --> 00:13:42,975 Okay, that's not how you're supposed to answer the phone. 353 00:13:43,009 --> 00:13:44,059 Just thought I'd check in. 354 00:13:44,094 --> 00:13:45,895 Everything's fine. 355 00:13:45,929 --> 00:13:47,897 Pete says I'm doing great. 356 00:13:47,931 --> 00:13:49,732 I'm not about to screw this up, Kenneth, 357 00:13:49,766 --> 00:13:51,650 'cause I'd get kicked out of show business, 358 00:13:51,685 --> 00:13:53,235 and then how would I be famous? 359 00:13:53,270 --> 00:13:54,320 By starting a fire 360 00:13:54,354 --> 00:13:55,771 and then rescuing everyone from it? 361 00:13:55,805 --> 00:13:58,524 And then I'm a hero and then I'm Playboy? 362 00:13:58,575 --> 00:14:00,259 Hazel, are Mr. Jordan and Ms. Maroney fighting? 363 00:14:00,293 --> 00:14:02,494 Well, you're not a page anymore, Kenneth. 364 00:14:02,529 --> 00:14:05,898 That information is classified. 365 00:14:10,620 --> 00:14:12,254 You look troubled, son. 366 00:14:12,289 --> 00:14:14,640 Would you like to talk about it? 367 00:14:14,674 --> 00:14:16,041 I'm stuck, father. 368 00:14:16,092 --> 00:14:19,528 Stuck in a company that won't innovate or change. 369 00:14:19,563 --> 00:14:22,348 I feel helpless. Impotent. 370 00:14:22,382 --> 00:14:24,767 Buy me a drink first. 371 00:14:24,801 --> 00:14:27,219 Sorry, we've been instructed to keep it light. 372 00:14:28,805 --> 00:14:30,973 Now there's a man who overcame some difficulties. 373 00:14:31,007 --> 00:14:33,192 I'm sure you know the story of St. Patrick, 374 00:14:33,226 --> 00:14:34,610 driving the snakes out of Ireland. 375 00:14:34,644 --> 00:14:36,345 I'm going to have to stop you right there, father, 376 00:14:36,363 --> 00:14:37,512 'cause I know for a fact 377 00:14:37,530 --> 00:14:39,348 that there were never any snakes in Ireland, 378 00:14:39,366 --> 00:14:41,483 and St. Patrick didn't drive anything out of anywhere. 379 00:14:41,517 --> 00:14:43,569 Knock, knock. 380 00:14:43,620 --> 00:14:46,121 First of all, he was born in fourth century Ireland. 381 00:14:46,156 --> 00:14:48,457 He might as well have been born in a grave. 382 00:14:48,491 --> 00:14:51,910 His only worldly possession was no snakes. 383 00:14:51,962 --> 00:14:54,413 But he turned that... 384 00:14:54,464 --> 00:14:57,950 Into sainthood, a holiday, 385 00:14:57,984 --> 00:15:00,936 this magnificent cathedral. 386 00:15:00,971 --> 00:15:02,655 He was just some guy 387 00:15:02,689 --> 00:15:06,008 starving in the wilderness... 388 00:15:06,042 --> 00:15:07,709 Exactly like me. 389 00:15:07,727 --> 00:15:11,647 But he found a way to change his luck, 390 00:15:11,681 --> 00:15:17,036 to take nothing and turn it into... 391 00:15:17,070 --> 00:15:19,938 By the scepter of Thalbain. 392 00:15:23,062 --> 00:15:24,462 Out! Now! 393 00:15:27,789 --> 00:15:29,406 Look, Liz, there's something I've got to tell you. 394 00:15:29,441 --> 00:15:31,375 - Not interested. - Megan isn't my girlfriend. 395 00:15:31,409 --> 00:15:33,143 I know, and I am not letting you... 396 00:15:33,178 --> 00:15:34,128 She's my wife. 397 00:15:34,162 --> 00:15:36,446 We just got back from Seaworld yesterday, 398 00:15:36,464 --> 00:15:38,048 and I know this is hard for you to hear... 399 00:15:38,083 --> 00:15:40,834 Yeah, it's so hard for me to hear about your "wife." 400 00:15:40,885 --> 00:15:41,835 I'm so jealous. 401 00:15:41,886 --> 00:15:43,053 Dennis, baby! 402 00:15:43,088 --> 00:15:44,171 I would have got here sooner, 403 00:15:44,222 --> 00:15:47,091 but I passed out laughing on 69th Street. 404 00:15:47,125 --> 00:15:49,760 That's hilarious, Megs. What's up, sugar? 405 00:15:49,794 --> 00:15:50,844 - Hi, how are you? - How are you doing? 406 00:15:50,895 --> 00:15:52,763 Wait a minute, Megan is real? 407 00:15:52,797 --> 00:15:55,265 I thought you were lying to get us back together. 408 00:15:55,299 --> 00:15:56,517 That's why I said I loved you. 409 00:15:56,568 --> 00:15:58,068 I was trying to call your bluff. 410 00:15:58,103 --> 00:15:59,570 You know, that's really messed up, Liz. 411 00:15:59,604 --> 00:16:02,072 Okay, wait, you said you love him? 412 00:16:02,107 --> 00:16:03,407 Okay. 413 00:16:03,441 --> 00:16:06,744 You got two minutes to fill a sock with quarters, 414 00:16:06,778 --> 00:16:09,279 and then we go outside. 415 00:16:09,313 --> 00:16:11,448 My God, stop it, no more of this Irish nonsense. 416 00:16:11,482 --> 00:16:14,251 Dennis, you came in here, possibly as part of a curse, 417 00:16:14,285 --> 00:16:16,253 and ruined everything! 418 00:16:16,287 --> 00:16:17,838 What? I did nothing. 419 00:16:17,872 --> 00:16:20,341 If anyone's full of Irish nonsense, it's you. 420 00:16:20,375 --> 00:16:21,675 - Excuse me? - Think about it. 421 00:16:21,710 --> 00:16:23,594 You're the one that got all emotional 422 00:16:23,628 --> 00:16:25,212 and made a fool of herself at a party. 423 00:16:25,263 --> 00:16:26,714 This wasn't a party. 424 00:16:26,765 --> 00:16:27,931 Tell me about it. It sucked. 425 00:16:27,966 --> 00:16:30,634 Look, you're stubborn, you hold grudges, 426 00:16:30,668 --> 00:16:32,469 you're emotionally repressed. 427 00:16:32,503 --> 00:16:33,687 She's been living with this great guy, 428 00:16:33,722 --> 00:16:35,272 and hasn't said "I love you" yet. 429 00:16:35,306 --> 00:16:37,808 Really? Not even on a Ferris wheel? 430 00:16:37,842 --> 00:16:39,193 Let's face it, Liz. 431 00:16:39,227 --> 00:16:41,695 You're the most Irish person here. 432 00:16:41,730 --> 00:16:43,397 Happy St. Patrick's day, dummy. 433 00:16:43,448 --> 00:16:45,065 Wait, it's St. Patrick's day? 434 00:16:45,116 --> 00:16:49,153 St. Patrick's day, baby. 435 00:16:53,458 --> 00:16:54,958 The first car is here 436 00:16:54,993 --> 00:16:59,880 for whichever one of you wants to leave first. 437 00:17:00,915 --> 00:17:02,716 Why do I keep doing this stuff? 438 00:17:02,751 --> 00:17:05,969 Is 70 not a good IQ? 439 00:17:12,143 --> 00:17:14,044 Well, the bigger star gets the first car. 440 00:17:14,062 --> 00:17:16,930 But the sign says it's for host number two. 441 00:17:16,981 --> 00:17:18,849 I'm scared, J-mohr. 442 00:17:18,883 --> 00:17:20,234 And not just 'cause today's the day 443 00:17:20,268 --> 00:17:22,569 that guy that tried to kill me gets out of jail. 444 00:17:22,604 --> 00:17:25,939 I'm scared 'cause... 445 00:17:25,990 --> 00:17:27,825 What if I'm not the biggest star anymore? 446 00:17:27,859 --> 00:17:29,777 Tracy, I know how you feel. 447 00:17:29,828 --> 00:17:31,412 I've felt that way for the past five years. 448 00:17:31,446 --> 00:17:32,946 And now that I've gotten everything I wanted, 449 00:17:32,997 --> 00:17:36,033 all I can think about is how quickly it can all go away. 450 00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:38,502 Tell me about it. A year ago, I won an Oscar. 451 00:17:38,536 --> 00:17:39,620 Now look at me. 452 00:17:39,671 --> 00:17:41,789 I had to beg to take over for Andy Rooney. 453 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:43,540 And it did not go well. 454 00:17:43,574 --> 00:17:44,658 When I was a kid, 455 00:17:44,692 --> 00:17:47,294 you could get a prostitute for $5. 456 00:17:47,345 --> 00:17:49,379 You know what? 457 00:17:49,413 --> 00:17:50,714 I'll read host number two. 458 00:17:50,748 --> 00:17:53,383 No. We'll read it together. 459 00:17:53,417 --> 00:17:56,419 Aww. 460 00:18:03,311 --> 00:18:06,063 Know this, Hazel. I will always be here... 461 00:18:06,097 --> 00:18:07,648 For them and for you. 462 00:18:07,699 --> 00:18:09,149 Nothing can ever make me... 463 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:10,734 Move your car. 464 00:18:18,326 --> 00:18:21,128 I'd like to spend my remaining gold... 465 00:18:21,162 --> 00:18:22,496 To purchase a fire spell. 466 00:18:22,547 --> 00:18:25,649 And against whom will you be casting this spell? 467 00:18:25,683 --> 00:18:27,334 Against myself. 468 00:18:27,385 --> 00:18:29,586 I am setting fire to my own desert. 469 00:18:29,620 --> 00:18:32,806 - You're insane! - Am I? 470 00:18:32,841 --> 00:18:35,008 I'm going to turn my desert into glass, 471 00:18:35,043 --> 00:18:37,594 and glass is a commodity that you all need, 472 00:18:37,628 --> 00:18:40,397 for your elfin oracle mirrors, 473 00:18:40,431 --> 00:18:41,815 for your crystal palace, 474 00:18:41,850 --> 00:18:43,150 for the colorful glass beads 475 00:18:43,184 --> 00:18:46,103 that you keep buying for some reason. 476 00:18:46,137 --> 00:18:48,422 I'm going to wear them to the pirates' ball. 477 00:18:48,456 --> 00:18:50,023 You need my glass. 478 00:18:50,058 --> 00:18:52,025 And I'll take your gold... 479 00:18:52,060 --> 00:18:56,029 And eventually, the throne of 1,000 kings. 480 00:18:56,064 --> 00:18:57,447 You see, it doesn't matter 481 00:18:57,481 --> 00:18:59,583 if I'm on the wind-blown dunes of Kroth 482 00:18:59,617 --> 00:19:01,318 or in the fluorescent-lit boardrooms 483 00:19:01,352 --> 00:19:03,287 of 30 Rockefeller Plaza. 484 00:19:03,321 --> 00:19:05,672 I will create something 485 00:19:05,707 --> 00:19:08,692 from nothing. 486 00:19:08,726 --> 00:19:13,180 Today Malaar... 487 00:19:13,214 --> 00:19:15,048 Tomorrow Kabletown. 488 00:19:21,139 --> 00:19:25,609 Your highness, you may take your right as king. 489 00:19:25,643 --> 00:19:29,563 I am a virgin... with white guys. 490 00:19:29,614 --> 00:19:31,365 All right, mustard only. 491 00:19:31,399 --> 00:19:33,233 There you go. Enjoy your bun. 492 00:19:33,284 --> 00:19:35,786 Sorry, sorry. 493 00:19:35,820 --> 00:19:37,454 These are the only green things I own. 494 00:19:37,488 --> 00:19:40,541 More importantly, I have never been with someone 495 00:19:40,575 --> 00:19:41,992 for longer than nine months. 496 00:19:42,026 --> 00:19:43,710 You and I have been together for six, 497 00:19:43,745 --> 00:19:45,412 so I assume something will go wrong soon. 498 00:19:45,463 --> 00:19:47,664 You'll tell me you believe in ghosts, 499 00:19:47,698 --> 00:19:50,968 or I'll reveal that I am terrible 500 00:19:51,002 --> 00:19:53,503 at expressing my feelings. 501 00:19:53,537 --> 00:19:54,888 But it's not because I don't have them. 502 00:19:54,923 --> 00:19:56,590 It's just because... 503 00:19:56,641 --> 00:19:57,891 I'm used to being let down. 504 00:19:57,926 --> 00:19:59,476 Wait, is now the time 505 00:19:59,510 --> 00:20:02,145 on St. Patrick's day when we talk about our feelings? 506 00:20:02,180 --> 00:20:04,648 I don't understand your art, Kevin. 507 00:20:06,985 --> 00:20:09,069 But this isn't fair to you, Criss. 508 00:20:09,103 --> 00:20:11,238 This is the happiest I've been in a long time, 509 00:20:11,272 --> 00:20:14,658 and I'm sorry that I can't just be a normal person 510 00:20:14,692 --> 00:20:16,493 and tell you stuff. 511 00:20:16,527 --> 00:20:19,729 Like, nice stuff. Like... 512 00:20:19,747 --> 00:20:21,198 Greeting card stuff. 513 00:20:21,232 --> 00:20:22,449 You're right there, buddy. 514 00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:24,418 Come on, homestretch. 515 00:20:24,452 --> 00:20:26,787 Come on. 516 00:20:26,838 --> 00:20:28,205 Okay. 517 00:20:28,239 --> 00:20:29,623 I love you. 518 00:20:29,674 --> 00:20:31,758 I know. 519 00:20:31,793 --> 00:20:36,046 You solo-ed me. 520 00:20:42,268 --> 00:20:46,768 Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com 521 00:20:51,457 --> 00:20:52,674 Thanks, host number one. 522 00:20:52,709 --> 00:20:54,893 Let's take a look at what's happening live 523 00:20:54,894 --> 00:20:56,010 in Rockefeller Plaza. 524 00:20:56,247 --> 00:20:57,481 I love you. 525 00:20:57,515 --> 00:20:58,816 I got this! 526 00:20:58,850 --> 00:21:00,184 That is a person named Liz Lemon 527 00:21:00,218 --> 00:21:02,018 who just told some dude she loves him. 528 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:05,240 Well, I have known her for a long time and she never said that before. 529 00:21:05,370 --> 00:21:08,590 **** 530 00:21:10,126 --> 00:21:12,626 Also, TV viewers liked when in a show is a song. 531 00:21:21,703 --> 00:21:22,994 Don't you dare fade out on me.