1
00:00:01,560 --> 00:00:03,023
PEGGY:
All right.
2
00:00:03,024 --> 00:00:04,595
This should be
more than enough kibble
3
00:00:04,596 --> 00:00:06,430
to last until I
get back from Branson.
4
00:00:06,431 --> 00:00:08,737
One bowl in the morning
and another one at night.
5
00:00:08,738 --> 00:00:11,907
That's easy to remember...
My sister's on the same schedule.
6
00:00:13,387 --> 00:00:14,822
It's that
kind of flipping attitude
7
00:00:14,823 --> 00:00:17,108
that will put Jim
on a missing dog poster
8
00:00:17,109 --> 00:00:18,872
or spread eagle in a car grill.
9
00:00:18,873 --> 00:00:21,512
She cannot be trusted
with your little brother.
10
00:00:21,513 --> 00:00:23,080
Don't worry
about anything.
11
00:00:23,081 --> 00:00:25,182
Just relax and enjoy
your trip.
12
00:00:25,183 --> 00:00:26,421
Well, the Altar
Rosary Society
13
00:00:26,422 --> 00:00:29,403
has been planning
this senior excursion for ages.
14
00:00:29,404 --> 00:00:32,072
In fact, the lady who
spearheaded the whole thing
15
00:00:32,073 --> 00:00:34,096
went toes up last month.
16
00:00:34,097 --> 00:00:35,430
Oh, that's tragic.
17
00:00:35,431 --> 00:00:36,974
We're still taking her with us.
18
00:00:36,975 --> 00:00:39,130
She wanted her ashes
scattered in the sawdust
19
00:00:39,131 --> 00:00:40,727
on the dance floor
at Gilley's.
20
00:00:40,728 --> 00:00:43,981
That's nice.
21
00:00:43,982 --> 00:00:45,753
Well, she loved to boot,
scoot, and boogie.
22
00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:47,888
Plus, she was an alcoholic
who never met a cowboy
23
00:00:47,889 --> 00:00:50,112
she couldn't buck
before the bell.
24
00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:54,991
- Sounds like a sweetie.
- I didn't care for her.
25
00:00:54,992 --> 00:00:56,993
Anyway,
26
00:00:56,994 --> 00:00:58,745
make sure Jim
has got his chew toy.
27
00:00:58,746 --> 00:01:00,914
(High-pitched squeak)
28
00:01:00,915 --> 00:01:03,537
Otherwise, he'll be whisker-deep
in his poop-shoot.
29
00:01:03,538 --> 00:01:04,989
Mike's exactly
the same way.
30
00:01:04,990 --> 00:01:07,379
I've got to put Tabasco
in his underpants.
31
00:01:07,380 --> 00:01:09,506
(Giggling)
32
00:01:09,507 --> 00:01:12,079
You know what, if yuck-a-puck
can't keep a cork in it,
33
00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:13,635
I'm just gonna stay here.
34
00:01:14,866 --> 00:01:16,054
No, Mom,
35
00:01:16,055 --> 00:01:18,085
it's good for you
to take these little trips.
36
00:01:18,086 --> 00:01:19,170
When you go on vacation,
37
00:01:19,171 --> 00:01:22,102
it's kind of a vacation
for all of us.
38
00:01:22,103 --> 00:01:23,603
MOLLY:
Peggy, relax.
39
00:01:23,604 --> 00:01:26,106
We're gonna take wonderful
care of little...
40
00:01:26,107 --> 00:01:28,775
Mr. Fuzzyface here.
41
00:01:28,776 --> 00:01:30,481
Don't call him silly dog names.
44
00:01:34,352 --> 00:01:35,603
or his full name,
45
00:01:35,604 --> 00:01:38,577
James Douglas
MacArthur Biggs.
46
00:01:39,608 --> 00:01:41,788
Jim it is.
47
00:01:42,828 --> 00:01:44,245
All right,
we're out of here.
48
00:01:44,246 --> 00:01:45,709
You just have
a good time
49
00:01:45,710 --> 00:01:47,331
and we'll take
great care of him.
50
00:01:47,332 --> 00:01:48,879
Hopefully, it'll
teach you silly hearts
51
00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:50,451
some responsibility
for when you decide
52
00:01:50,452 --> 00:01:52,758
to have your own
little 14-pound miracle.
53
00:01:55,364 --> 00:01:56,924
Well, I'm sure
if we ever have kids,
54
00:01:56,925 --> 00:01:58,375
we'll look back on
babysitting your dog
55
00:01:58,376 --> 00:02:00,432
- as a valuable learning experience.
- Hmm.
56
00:02:00,433 --> 00:02:02,296
What do you mean,
"if we have kids"?
57
00:02:02,297 --> 00:02:04,382
- You mean "when," right?
- That's what I said.
58
00:02:04,383 --> 00:02:07,022
- No. You said, "if."
- What's the difference?
59
00:02:07,023 --> 00:02:09,270
"When" means we have to figure
out the right time
60
00:02:09,271 --> 00:02:12,027
to have them, "if" means
you and I need to talk.
61
00:02:12,028 --> 00:02:14,358
Aw, I hate it when
we need to talk.
62
00:02:15,610 --> 00:02:18,575
When were you planning
on dropping this bombshell?
63
00:02:18,576 --> 00:02:20,948
On our honeymoon when you're
double-bagging your junk?
64
00:02:20,949 --> 00:02:22,483
Why are you harping on this?
65
00:02:22,484 --> 00:02:23,651
You know how I am.
66
00:02:23,652 --> 00:02:25,290
Crap just falls
out of my mouth.
67
00:02:25,291 --> 00:02:26,787
It's your fault
for listening.
68
00:02:26,788 --> 00:02:27,988
Forget
something?
69
00:02:27,989 --> 00:02:29,540
Oh, I was just
teasing him.
70
00:02:29,541 --> 00:02:30,658
You know how brothers are.
71
00:02:30,659 --> 00:02:33,215
Just giving you
the business, James Douglas.
72
00:02:37,299 --> 00:02:39,750
You're lucky you're neutered.
73
00:02:39,751 --> 00:02:41,635
I'm just saying, with
the wedding and everything,
74
00:02:41,636 --> 00:02:43,304
don't we have enough
crap to worry about
75
00:02:43,305 --> 00:02:44,839
without bringing
kids into the mix?
76
00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:47,424
I'm not asking you to plant
your seed on the ride home.
77
00:02:47,425 --> 00:02:49,176
But I-I'd like
to know that you're open
78
00:02:49,177 --> 00:02:50,644
to having a family.
Yeah, I guess!
79
00:02:50,645 --> 00:02:53,147
I don't know.
If it happens, it happens.
80
00:02:53,148 --> 00:02:55,215
Do you have any idea
how this works?
81
00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:57,518
Did you sleep
through health class?
82
00:02:57,519 --> 00:03:00,188
Look, we don't even have
our own place.
83
00:03:00,189 --> 00:03:01,572
You really want
to raise a child
84
00:03:01,573 --> 00:03:03,440
in a house
with your mom and sister?
85
00:03:03,441 --> 00:03:06,414
His first birthday party will be
at the Betty Ford Clinic.
86
00:03:06,415 --> 00:03:07,745
When I said
87
00:03:07,746 --> 00:03:10,030
I wanted three kids
and you said "sounds good,"
88
00:03:10,031 --> 00:03:12,087
were you just
saying that to shut me up?
89
00:03:12,088 --> 00:03:14,422
If I was,
it clearly didn't work.
90
00:03:17,363 --> 00:03:18,455
We are getting married
in a few months,
91
00:03:18,456 --> 00:03:20,291
and I'd like to know
that these breasts
92
00:03:20,292 --> 00:03:22,222
are gonna bring happiness
to someone besides you.
93
00:03:22,223 --> 00:03:24,428
When did you become
so baby crazy?
94
00:03:24,429 --> 00:03:26,547
Am I gonna have to sleep
with one eye open
95
00:03:26,548 --> 00:03:27,882
so you don't
steal my sperm?
96
00:03:27,883 --> 00:03:29,850
You're gonna have to sleep
with one eye open
97
00:03:29,851 --> 00:03:31,418
so I don't smother you
with a pillow!
98
00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:33,204
Oh, ha, ha.
Real mature.
99
00:03:33,205 --> 00:03:35,973
Ha, ha.
Real mature.
100
00:03:35,974 --> 00:03:38,893
MIKE:
You forgot the dog again.
101
00:03:38,894 --> 00:03:40,611
MOLLY:
No, you forgot the dog.
102
00:03:40,612 --> 00:03:42,930
MIKE:
Great mom you'd be.
103
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:49,102
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
104
00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:52,439
♪ I see love.
105
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,668
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/
106
00:04:02,658 --> 00:04:05,390
- Morning.
- Morning.
107
00:04:05,391 --> 00:04:07,999
I heard screaming coming out
of your bedroom last night,
108
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,228
and it didn't sound
like the good kind.
109
00:04:10,229 --> 00:04:13,004
Do you want to talk about
some of the disturbing things
110
00:04:13,005 --> 00:04:14,983
I've heard
coming out of your bedroom?
111
00:04:14,984 --> 00:04:16,391
"Hot buns coming at ya."
112
00:04:16,392 --> 00:04:17,694
Really, Mom?
113
00:04:19,228 --> 00:04:21,865
You're the one who gave me
the chef's hat and apron.
114
00:04:21,866 --> 00:04:23,867
To be used in the kitchen!
115
00:04:23,868 --> 00:04:26,912
I would, but I don't want
you kids walking in on us.
116
00:04:30,206 --> 00:04:31,406
Morning, Mrs. Flynn.
117
00:04:31,407 --> 00:04:33,877
Hello.
Yeah. Whatever.
118
00:04:33,878 --> 00:04:35,503
How'd you sleep, Mike?
119
00:04:35,504 --> 00:04:38,089
Back-to-back.
120
00:04:38,090 --> 00:04:40,548
Not gonna have
a baby that way.
121
00:04:40,549 --> 00:04:43,551
Unless he's some
kind of circus freak.
122
00:04:45,659 --> 00:04:47,555
Have a pleasant morning.
123
00:04:47,556 --> 00:04:49,974
Good day to you.
Yeah, whatever.
124
00:04:51,260 --> 00:04:52,604
Okay, want
to talk about it?
125
00:04:52,605 --> 00:04:55,013
No.
126
00:04:56,348 --> 00:04:57,982
He's been leading me on
this whole time,
127
00:04:57,983 --> 00:04:59,550
making me think
he wants a family,
128
00:04:59,551 --> 00:05:01,696
and now he's backpedaling.
129
00:05:03,405 --> 00:05:05,823
Remember when I took
you kids to the circus
130
00:05:05,824 --> 00:05:08,620
and we saw that big bear
on a unicycle?
131
00:05:08,621 --> 00:05:09,913
Hmm.
132
00:05:19,205 --> 00:05:21,800
W-What does that
have to do with anything?
133
00:05:21,801 --> 00:05:24,175
Beats me. It just
popped in my head.
134
00:05:28,714 --> 00:05:29,847
I'm not getting any younger.
135
00:05:29,848 --> 00:05:32,416
And if we want to have kids,
two girls and a boy,
136
00:05:32,417 --> 00:05:33,468
Charlotte, Zelda, and Scott,
137
00:05:33,469 --> 00:05:35,230
he's gonna have
to get on the stick.
138
00:05:35,231 --> 00:05:39,567
Technically, you're the one
who has to be on the stick.
139
00:05:39,568 --> 00:05:40,986
I thought we had this talk.
140
00:05:40,987 --> 00:05:42,810
Yes, we did when I was 12.
141
00:05:42,811 --> 00:05:46,032
I just got over it
about a year ago.
142
00:05:46,033 --> 00:05:47,532
I'm just saying,
143
00:05:47,533 --> 00:05:49,267
you can't plan these things.
144
00:05:49,268 --> 00:05:50,902
I mean, take me for example.
145
00:05:50,903 --> 00:05:52,622
I never wanted children.
146
00:05:52,623 --> 00:05:55,083
What?
147
00:05:55,084 --> 00:05:56,457
Hell, no!
148
00:05:56,458 --> 00:05:57,792
Only reason you're even here
149
00:05:57,793 --> 00:05:59,711
is because of
too many tequila shots
150
00:05:59,712 --> 00:06:01,296
and an expired
gas station condom.
151
00:06:01,297 --> 00:06:02,590
Oh, God.
152
00:06:02,591 --> 00:06:04,582
Don't want to know,
don't need to know.
153
00:06:04,583 --> 00:06:05,583
Oh, geez.
154
00:06:05,584 --> 00:06:07,387
I was a wreck
when I found out.
155
00:06:07,388 --> 00:06:09,554
I mean, you know,
I'm happy now,
156
00:06:09,555 --> 00:06:11,349
you were a blessing,
blah, blah, blah...
157
00:06:11,350 --> 00:06:13,351
But, oh boy,
158
00:06:13,352 --> 00:06:15,960
those were dark days.
159
00:06:16,929 --> 00:06:18,146
Mom, f-feel free
160
00:06:18,147 --> 00:06:20,898
to take some
of this to your grave.
161
00:06:21,755 --> 00:06:23,518
The real fluke was your sister.
162
00:06:23,519 --> 00:06:26,470
Your daddy and I
were watching the Cubs on TV
163
00:06:26,471 --> 00:06:28,306
and there was a rain delay.
164
00:06:28,307 --> 00:06:31,075
The ground crew had time
to roll out their tarp,
165
00:06:31,076 --> 00:06:32,996
but your daddy and I didn't.
166
00:06:34,768 --> 00:06:37,098
I walked this ugly bastard
nine blocks
167
00:06:37,099 --> 00:06:40,034
and he wouldn't
squeeze one out.
168
00:06:41,653 --> 00:06:43,037
Nary a turd.
169
00:06:43,038 --> 00:06:45,206
I, on the other hand,
had to duck-walk
170
00:06:45,207 --> 00:06:47,135
to the 7-Eleven
and take a crap
171
00:06:47,136 --> 00:06:50,597
with a dog on my lap.
172
00:06:53,662 --> 00:06:54,832
I'm gonna...
173
00:06:54,833 --> 00:06:57,062
just go to work.
174
00:06:57,063 --> 00:06:58,853
Oh, have a good day.
175
00:06:58,854 --> 00:07:00,815
You know, in the last
couple of years,
176
00:07:00,816 --> 00:07:04,069
you girls have really started
to grow on me.
177
00:07:07,635 --> 00:07:09,063
I'd pet you, but...
178
00:07:09,064 --> 00:07:11,284
I'm actually
more of a cat person.
179
00:07:16,438 --> 00:07:18,706
I'm not saying I don't
ever want to be a dad.
180
00:07:18,707 --> 00:07:20,625
But I'm not just gonna
blindly jump into it.
181
00:07:20,626 --> 00:07:22,587
I'm the kind of guy that
likes to think things through.
182
00:07:22,588 --> 00:07:24,962
Since when? I once saw you
bite into a marshmallow
183
00:07:24,963 --> 00:07:26,841
that was still on fire.
184
00:07:29,168 --> 00:07:30,868
It was falling off the stick.
185
00:07:30,869 --> 00:07:33,204
I had to do something.
186
00:07:33,205 --> 00:07:35,757
The point is, I really like
what Molly and I have.
187
00:07:35,758 --> 00:07:38,228
And if we throw a kid into the
mix, it'll change everything.
188
00:07:38,229 --> 00:07:40,511
Well, that's true. No more naked
leap frog in the living room
189
00:07:40,512 --> 00:07:42,347
when little Mikey's in there
watching Road Runner,
190
00:07:42,348 --> 00:07:44,400
and gnawing on
a big wheel of cheese.
191
00:07:44,401 --> 00:07:45,600
Well, our foreplay
192
00:07:45,601 --> 00:07:47,235
usually just involves
me rubbing her feet
193
00:07:47,236 --> 00:07:50,721
and turning off the TV,
but I know what you're saying.
194
00:07:50,722 --> 00:07:52,242
On the other hand,
195
00:07:52,243 --> 00:07:53,741
you and Molly are good people
196
00:07:53,742 --> 00:07:55,620
and would certainly
make fine parents.
197
00:07:55,621 --> 00:07:58,112
But that doesn't guarantee
what kind of kid you're gonna get.
198
00:07:58,113 --> 00:07:59,541
Take that idiot we
arrested this morning.
199
00:07:59,542 --> 00:08:01,499
I'm sure his parents
are lovely people
200
00:08:01,500 --> 00:08:04,235
who never imagined that one day
the little bundle of joy
201
00:08:04,236 --> 00:08:08,174
would try to rob a liquor store
using an ear of corn.
202
00:08:08,175 --> 00:08:10,458
His mistake was taking it
out of his pocket
203
00:08:10,459 --> 00:08:12,470
and trying to fire
a warning shot.
204
00:08:12,471 --> 00:08:15,746
No, his mistake was waking up
this morning saying,
205
00:08:15,747 --> 00:08:19,352
"I'm gonna knock off a liquor
store with an ear of corn."
206
00:08:19,353 --> 00:08:20,918
A banana I could understand.
207
00:08:20,919 --> 00:08:22,470
That's got
a natural pistol grip.
208
00:08:22,471 --> 00:08:23,481
But corn?
209
00:08:25,045 --> 00:08:26,693
That's just lazy.
210
00:08:27,776 --> 00:08:30,594
Point being...
211
00:08:30,595 --> 00:08:32,647
somewhere, there are
two nice people
212
00:08:32,648 --> 00:08:34,868
who had high hopes
for that moron.
213
00:08:34,869 --> 00:08:36,734
It's true. My parents
had 14 children
214
00:08:36,735 --> 00:08:39,622
and a couple
have been major disappointments.
215
00:08:39,623 --> 00:08:41,416
Ah, don't be so hard on
yourself, Samuel.
216
00:08:41,417 --> 00:08:43,458
I mean, being a waiter
217
00:08:43,459 --> 00:08:45,410
may not be glamorous
or even lucrative,
218
00:08:45,411 --> 00:08:47,005
but it's a good, honest living.
219
00:08:47,006 --> 00:08:49,046
I was actually referring
to my brothers,
220
00:08:49,047 --> 00:08:51,499
the pimp and
the blood diamond smuggler.
221
00:08:53,252 --> 00:08:55,180
But thank you for the ego boost.
222
00:08:56,619 --> 00:08:58,141
Absolutely.
223
00:08:58,142 --> 00:08:59,476
(Groans)
224
00:08:59,477 --> 00:09:01,311
Hey, could I get a glass
of orange juice?
225
00:09:01,312 --> 00:09:04,011
Of course. I shall fetch
a special glass of OJ
226
00:09:04,012 --> 00:09:05,730
just for you.
227
00:09:05,731 --> 00:09:07,609
Fresh squeezed.
228
00:09:09,089 --> 00:09:11,654
I wouldn't drink that
if I were you.
229
00:09:11,655 --> 00:09:12,864
Why not?
230
00:09:12,865 --> 00:09:14,505
See?
231
00:09:14,506 --> 00:09:17,452
And your parents probably
had high hopes for you, too.
232
00:09:26,051 --> 00:09:28,669
He's been doing
it all day.
233
00:09:28,670 --> 00:09:31,172
First it was funny,
then it got sad,
234
00:09:31,173 --> 00:09:33,551
now it's back to
being funny again.
235
00:09:36,492 --> 00:09:39,497
You never see a cat
carrying on like this.
236
00:09:39,498 --> 00:09:40,598
They're dignified animals.
237
00:09:40,599 --> 00:09:42,268
Clean their butts
with their tongues.
238
00:09:44,249 --> 00:09:46,504
He still grinding
his balloon knot?
239
00:09:47,890 --> 00:09:50,274
Yeah, he's really
rubbing it raw.
240
00:09:50,275 --> 00:09:52,360
I'm a little worried
he's gonna start a fire.
241
00:09:52,361 --> 00:09:54,447
Probably a roid.
242
00:09:54,448 --> 00:09:56,397
My uncle Benny used to get
the same way.
243
00:09:56,398 --> 00:09:58,701
But instead of a rug he'd use
a long shoe horn.
244
00:10:00,974 --> 00:10:03,164
I hope he's okay.
245
00:10:03,165 --> 00:10:05,166
He's fine, he's in Miami Beach.
246
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,503
Got a nurse
that rubs ointment on it.
247
00:10:08,504 --> 00:10:11,422
She meant the dog, Vince.
248
00:10:11,423 --> 00:10:14,215
Him? He's having
the time of his life.
249
00:10:14,216 --> 00:10:16,217
He's scratching his ass
on a nice rug
250
00:10:16,218 --> 00:10:19,055
with a coupla pretty ladies
watching him.
251
00:10:19,056 --> 00:10:23,518
Aw, "pretty"? You're sweet.
252
00:10:23,519 --> 00:10:24,926
Hey, what's going on?
253
00:10:24,927 --> 00:10:26,310
Your house guest is christening
254
00:10:26,311 --> 00:10:28,231
my new throw rug with his
sphincter.
255
00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:32,650
Ah, did he eat something weird?
256
00:10:32,651 --> 00:10:35,488
He won't eat at all.
Plus, he hasn't pooped all day.
257
00:10:35,489 --> 00:10:37,699
That is miserable.
258
00:10:37,700 --> 00:10:40,191
When I was taking pain pills for
my back,
259
00:10:40,192 --> 00:10:42,076
I couldn't buy
a good bowel movement.
260
00:10:42,077 --> 00:10:46,280
And believe me, after nine days,
money is no object.
261
00:10:47,604 --> 00:10:48,771
(Jim retching)
262
00:10:48,772 --> 00:10:50,251
Jim just threw
up a little.
263
00:10:50,252 --> 00:10:52,547
Well, somebody was bound to.
264
00:10:52,548 --> 00:10:55,216
(Retching continues)
265
00:10:55,217 --> 00:10:57,208
Jim just threw up a lot.
266
00:10:57,209 --> 00:10:58,543
And he's not eating it.
Mm-mm.
267
00:10:58,544 --> 00:11:01,796
This is serious. Okay,
we gotta go to the vet.
268
00:11:01,797 --> 00:11:02,964
(Horn honking)
269
00:11:02,965 --> 00:11:05,550
Come on, come on!
Let's move it, people!
270
00:11:05,551 --> 00:11:09,063
Molly, calm down.
I'm sure Jim will be fine.
271
00:11:09,064 --> 00:11:12,150
Hey, if anything happens to that dog,
you tell that vet to put me down.
272
00:11:12,151 --> 00:11:14,809
Otherwise, Peggy will come after
me and do it her way.
273
00:11:14,810 --> 00:11:17,613
And it will be slow,
and it will be painful.
274
00:11:17,614 --> 00:11:19,363
(Horn honking)
275
00:11:25,266 --> 00:11:27,517
Got yourself a sick
lizard there, huh?
276
00:11:27,518 --> 00:11:28,852
He's an iguana.
277
00:11:28,853 --> 00:11:31,753
And yes, he's not feeling a
hundred percent right now.
278
00:11:31,754 --> 00:11:34,464
Looks fine to me.
I mean, fine for a big, scary lizard.
279
00:11:34,465 --> 00:11:37,227
Iguana.
Iguana.
280
00:11:37,228 --> 00:11:40,803
Jacob's been very stressed out
since my husband and I split up.
281
00:11:40,804 --> 00:11:43,473
He's listless, lethargic.
He doesn't want to do anything.
282
00:11:43,474 --> 00:11:45,516
Well, I can see why you split up
with him. (chuckles)
283
00:11:45,517 --> 00:11:48,422
I'm talking about the iguana.
I know, I know.
284
00:11:48,423 --> 00:11:50,507
I just... I joke
when I get upset.
285
00:11:50,508 --> 00:11:52,774
My future mother-in-
law's dog is sick
286
00:11:52,775 --> 00:11:54,177
and it happened on my watch.
287
00:11:54,178 --> 00:11:55,777
And she's not exactly
my biggest fan.
288
00:11:55,778 --> 00:11:59,916
Not that I'm hanging her poster in
my locker, if you know what I mean...
289
00:11:59,917 --> 00:12:04,243
So, what do you, what do you
feed this, uh... thing here?
290
00:12:05,724 --> 00:12:08,122
Bugs or some kind
of lizard chow?
291
00:12:08,123 --> 00:12:09,415
Iguana.
292
00:12:10,862 --> 00:12:13,628
Boy, you don't open the door
a crack, do you?
293
00:12:14,732 --> 00:12:16,950
(Cell phone rings)
294
00:12:20,154 --> 00:12:22,605
(sighs)
295
00:12:22,606 --> 00:12:25,098
Peggy, hey!
How's Branson?
296
00:12:25,099 --> 00:12:28,945
Oh, everybody can't be stupid.
297
00:12:30,965 --> 00:12:33,834
Jim?
Jim's fine.
298
00:12:33,835 --> 00:12:36,386
Uh, he can't talk right now.
299
00:12:36,387 --> 00:12:39,122
He's, uh, doing business.
300
00:12:40,708 --> 00:12:44,344
Uh... solid, I guess.
301
00:12:44,345 --> 00:12:47,013
Tapering nicely...
302
00:12:48,099 --> 00:12:50,123
Well, uh, neighbors are watching
out the window,
303
00:12:50,124 --> 00:12:52,569
so I'd better pretend
to pick it up.
304
00:12:52,570 --> 00:12:54,154
Okay, bye.
305
00:12:57,442 --> 00:12:59,298
Sorry it took so long.
306
00:12:59,299 --> 00:13:02,802
I was burning a doob
back by the dumpst.
307
00:13:02,803 --> 00:13:05,805
Oh, my God,
that dog is really sick.
308
00:13:07,536 --> 00:13:10,893
Iguana. And head's up,
he's got the personality.
309
00:13:13,291 --> 00:13:15,815
So is Jim gonna be okay,
310
00:13:15,816 --> 00:13:19,152
or do we need to find another
dog that looks just like him?
311
00:13:19,153 --> 00:13:21,681
They're still
doing more tests.
312
00:13:21,682 --> 00:13:23,350
But keep an eye peeled.
313
00:13:23,351 --> 00:13:25,950
We may have to shave
and paint a cat.
314
00:13:25,951 --> 00:13:28,494
Been there, done that.
315
00:13:28,495 --> 00:13:31,191
Who belongs to Jim?
316
00:13:31,192 --> 00:13:33,693
Oh, right here.
Is he okay?
317
00:13:33,694 --> 00:13:35,395
Well, he's got some
sort of obstruction.
318
00:13:35,396 --> 00:13:36,878
Looks like he
swallowed something.
319
00:13:36,879 --> 00:13:39,199
Is there any idea of how long
it's been in there?
320
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,799
Could this have happened
a couple of days ago?
321
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:42,969
Possibly.
Yes.
322
00:13:42,970 --> 00:13:44,343
Could have happened
on Peggy's watch.
323
00:13:44,344 --> 00:13:45,989
What did he swallow?
324
00:13:45,990 --> 00:13:48,014
I've seen this kind
of blockage before,
325
00:13:48,015 --> 00:13:51,726
and with a small dog it's usually
a sponge or more likely, a tampon.
326
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:56,606
Well, Peggy's got
an airtight alibi.
327
00:13:57,718 --> 00:13:59,369
One, two...
328
00:13:59,370 --> 00:14:01,838
(gasps) Damn it.
329
00:14:05,843 --> 00:14:08,595
How would you feel about you
and Molly adopting a baby?
330
00:14:08,596 --> 00:14:10,480
It doesn't matter if it
comes from her womb
331
00:14:10,481 --> 00:14:13,817
or some teen mom in Kentucky,
you still gotta raise it.
332
00:14:13,818 --> 00:14:15,958
Well, with adoption you
get the exact model you want.
333
00:14:15,959 --> 00:14:18,822
If it was me, I'd get a little
Japanese kid.
334
00:14:18,823 --> 00:14:20,056
They're smart, loyal
335
00:14:20,057 --> 00:14:21,631
and they don't bring their shoes
in the house.
336
00:14:21,632 --> 00:14:24,027
Sure. Plus, they'll do your
taxes,
337
00:14:24,028 --> 00:14:27,178
walk on your back and chauffeur
your Green Hornet car.
338
00:14:27,179 --> 00:14:29,764
Are you telling me you wouldn't
want to have your own little Kato?
339
00:14:29,765 --> 00:14:31,349
Of course, who wouldn't?
340
00:14:31,350 --> 00:14:33,453
But you gotta be realistic.
341
00:14:33,454 --> 00:14:36,256
One day, Kate's gonna need
braces and wanna go to college.
342
00:14:36,257 --> 00:14:37,541
NO, Kato don't need
to go to college.
343
00:14:37,542 --> 00:14:38,814
He's gonna be street smart.
344
00:14:38,815 --> 00:14:40,377
Plus, if you're carrying a set
of nunchucks,
345
00:14:40,378 --> 00:14:42,318
ain't nobody gonna make fun of
your teeth.
346
00:14:43,681 --> 00:14:46,266
(Cell phone rings)
(groans)
347
00:14:46,267 --> 00:14:48,407
Hey Mom, how's Branson?
348
00:14:48,408 --> 00:14:50,701
Well, everybody can't be stupid.
349
00:14:52,599 --> 00:14:55,039
Jim? I don't know,
I'm at work...
350
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:58,428
No, I'm sure he's fine.
Don't come home.
351
00:14:58,429 --> 00:15:00,730
Look, I'll check on him
and I'll call you later.
352
00:15:00,731 --> 00:15:03,600
Boy, if she loved me half as
much as she loves that dog,
353
00:15:03,601 --> 00:15:06,300
I'd weigh 130 pounds.
354
00:15:06,301 --> 00:15:08,321
You can certainly
understand her worry.
355
00:15:08,322 --> 00:15:09,554
That dog is like a son to her.
356
00:15:09,555 --> 00:15:12,075
Oh no, she treats him
way better than a son.
357
00:15:12,076 --> 00:15:14,661
She'd give one of her kidneys
to that ugly mutt, but wouldn't
358
00:15:14,662 --> 00:15:16,992
drive seven blocks to pick me up
at school when I broke my arm.
359
00:15:16,993 --> 00:15:18,185
You're kidding.
360
00:15:18,186 --> 00:15:22,219
She said she was busy putting
air on her toe knuckles...
361
00:15:22,220 --> 00:15:23,887
so she told me to hoof it.
362
00:15:23,888 --> 00:15:25,805
Said, "You don't walk on your
arm anyway."
363
00:15:25,806 --> 00:15:28,322
Which is ironically how
I broke it.
364
00:15:28,323 --> 00:15:31,177
(Cell phone rings)
(sighs)
365
00:15:31,178 --> 00:15:34,481
Hey Molly, what's up?
366
00:15:34,482 --> 00:15:36,650
Jim swallowed a what?
367
00:15:36,651 --> 00:15:38,935
Operate?
368
00:15:38,936 --> 00:15:41,438
Well, can't they
just pull the string?
369
00:15:44,859 --> 00:15:46,716
MOLLY:
Tell that doctor, whatever
370
00:15:46,717 --> 00:15:50,780
has to do, no matter how much it
costs, keep that dog alive.
371
00:15:50,781 --> 00:15:53,700
Seriously, if he needs a new
heart, come out, take mine.
372
00:15:53,701 --> 00:15:55,835
That dog must live!
373
00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:58,561
How's he doing?
374
00:15:58,562 --> 00:16:01,458
They're operating on him
to remove the blockage.
375
00:16:01,459 --> 00:16:03,065
Mike, I'm so sorry about this.
376
00:16:03,066 --> 00:16:04,775
It's not your fault.
It is.
377
00:16:04,776 --> 00:16:06,846
I left my purse open
and laying around.
378
00:16:06,847 --> 00:16:08,321
I should be more responsible.
379
00:16:08,322 --> 00:16:11,101
Hey, some of this is on Jim.
It's not like your tampons
380
00:16:11,102 --> 00:16:13,520
are made out of rawhide
and wrapped in bacon.
381
00:16:13,521 --> 00:16:18,039
Doesn't bode well for my
"let's have a baby" campaign.
382
00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:21,394
Ah, don't be silly.
That mutt's a garbage can.
383
00:16:21,395 --> 00:16:23,113
He once ate a keychain
flashlight.
384
00:16:23,114 --> 00:16:25,515
Pooped it halfway out
and took off running.
385
00:16:25,516 --> 00:16:28,485
Looked like he was having a
movie premiere in his butt.
386
00:16:31,572 --> 00:16:34,324
I understand why you're
nervous about having kids.
387
00:16:34,325 --> 00:16:38,267
And you're right, it isn't
something we should rush into.
388
00:16:40,581 --> 00:16:44,774
Molly, the truth is, I'm just
afraid I won't be a good dad.
389
00:16:44,775 --> 00:16:47,637
What are you talking about?
390
00:16:47,638 --> 00:16:51,739
My mom wasn't exactly the
most compassionate person.
391
00:16:51,740 --> 00:16:56,452
Or loving or tolerant...
or even nice to be around.
392
00:16:57,891 --> 00:17:00,350
I don't wanna pass that on
to the next generation.
393
00:17:00,351 --> 00:17:02,541
Are you kidding? You are
nothing like your mother.
394
00:17:02,542 --> 00:17:06,606
You are a joy to be around,
and your feet are smaller.
395
00:17:07,943 --> 00:17:10,383
You're just saying that
'cause you wanna have kids.
396
00:17:10,384 --> 00:17:14,654
I don't just want kids.
I want your kids.
397
00:17:14,655 --> 00:17:19,775
You are the kindest, sweetest
man that I have ever known.
398
00:17:19,776 --> 00:17:24,146
I don't even think I wanted to
have kids before I met you.
399
00:17:24,147 --> 00:17:25,898
Really?
400
00:17:25,899 --> 00:17:28,785
Hey, I teach fourth grade. There's
no better birth control than that.
401
00:17:28,786 --> 00:17:30,720
(Chuckling)
402
00:17:30,721 --> 00:17:34,624
Well, thanks to Mom, I
certainly know what not to do.
403
00:17:34,625 --> 00:17:36,192
Hmm...
404
00:17:36,193 --> 00:17:38,327
I'm guessing that's
half the battle.
405
00:17:38,328 --> 00:17:41,314
And we can figure the
rest out together.
406
00:17:41,315 --> 00:17:43,799
When the time is right.
407
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:47,570
Okay, when the time is right.
408
00:17:47,571 --> 00:17:49,338
You can feed 'em
and change 'em,
409
00:17:49,339 --> 00:17:51,691
and I'll keep 'em from
swallowing your lady things.
410
00:17:51,692 --> 00:17:53,493
(laughs): Deal.
411
00:17:53,494 --> 00:17:55,695
I'll just do what my
mom used to do.
412
00:17:55,696 --> 00:17:59,666
When we went to the grocery store, she'd
pull a pair of pantyhose over my head.
413
00:17:59,667 --> 00:18:01,851
I looked like a three-year old
bank robber, but it kept me
414
00:18:01,852 --> 00:18:04,687
from shoving a stick of
deodorant in my mouth.
415
00:18:04,688 --> 00:18:08,899
I'm no fan of your mother's,
but that's actually brilliant.
416
00:18:15,470 --> 00:18:17,208
Look at my baby boy.
417
00:18:17,209 --> 00:18:19,493
He's gonna be scarred up for
the rest of his life.
418
00:18:19,494 --> 00:18:22,580
You don't think it looks manly?
Kinda...
419
00:18:22,581 --> 00:18:26,584
Kinda gives him like a rugged,
"don't mess with me" thing.
420
00:18:28,106 --> 00:18:30,638
If I wasn't afraid of leaving
Jim alone, you and I would be
421
00:18:30,639 --> 00:18:34,091
in the driveway right now
settling this bare-knuckle style.
422
00:18:34,092 --> 00:18:36,594
Come on, Ma,
423
00:18:36,595 --> 00:18:40,890
your driveway-fighting days are
behind you.
424
00:18:40,891 --> 00:18:42,784
Tell that to
the bouncer at Gilley's
425
00:18:42,785 --> 00:18:46,187
who tried to take away my coffee
can full of Dolores.
426
00:18:46,188 --> 00:18:48,740
He's gonna be fine.
The stitches come out in about
427
00:18:48,741 --> 00:18:51,233
ten days, and the vet said it
won't leave much of a scar.
428
00:18:51,234 --> 00:18:53,878
Then I can thank her for feeding
my baby boy
429
00:18:53,879 --> 00:18:56,072
one of her cotton pontoons.
430
00:18:58,094 --> 00:19:01,494
Why can't you wear a pad,
like a normal person?
431
00:19:01,495 --> 00:19:04,756
'Cause they're bulky and
uncomfortable,
432
00:19:04,757 --> 00:19:07,875
and I feel like I'm sitting
on a phone book. I...
433
00:19:07,876 --> 00:19:09,961
Plus, I... I lead an active
lifest...
434
00:19:09,962 --> 00:19:13,547
Fine, I'll wear one.
I'll just strap it on.
435
00:19:13,548 --> 00:19:16,067
It'll be a cold day in hell
before I forget this.
436
00:19:16,068 --> 00:19:19,487
I trusted you to take care of
the only thing in this world
437
00:19:19,488 --> 00:19:20,763
I give a damn about.
438
00:19:20,764 --> 00:19:23,390
Yeah, I'll bet you'd drive seven
blocks if he broke his arm.
439
00:19:23,391 --> 00:19:24,692
He wouldn't break his arm
440
00:19:24,693 --> 00:19:26,352
showing off for
the girls' swim club.
441
00:19:26,353 --> 00:19:29,855
When you told me the story, you didn't
tell me there were girls involved.
442
00:19:29,856 --> 00:19:31,499
Of course there were girls
involved.
443
00:19:31,500 --> 00:19:33,567
Why else would you try to walk
on your hands?
444
00:19:33,568 --> 00:19:36,287
All right, all right!
445
00:19:36,288 --> 00:19:39,540
We should be thankful that Jim
is healthy, happy and...
446
00:19:39,541 --> 00:19:41,116
and loved.
447
00:19:41,117 --> 00:19:43,702
Like you, Peggy.
448
00:19:45,931 --> 00:19:48,874
Now why don't I go
make us a sandwich?
449
00:19:48,875 --> 00:19:51,126
What are you gonna put in it?
Rat poison?
450
00:19:51,127 --> 00:19:57,008
I was thinking about tuna fish,
but whatever you want.
451
00:19:57,009 --> 00:19:59,110
Mike, why don't
you come help me?
452
00:19:59,979 --> 00:20:01,896
Miracle Whip, not mayo!
453
00:20:01,897 --> 00:20:05,867
MOLLY: Whatever you
want, Mama Biggs.
454
00:20:05,868 --> 00:20:07,143
Hear that, Jim?
455
00:20:07,144 --> 00:20:09,537
Whatever I want.
456
00:20:09,538 --> 00:20:13,524
This guilt trip might get me
a granddaughter named Peggy.
457
00:20:13,525 --> 00:20:16,652
Or a grandson named Jim.
458
00:20:20,499 --> 00:20:23,443
You know what? That does make
you look more rugged.
459
00:20:25,598 --> 00:20:28,372
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/