1
00:00:03,391 --> 00:00:05,542
(water splashing)
2
00:00:08,747 --> 00:00:11,447
Nick, your houseguest is
urinating in the bathroom
3
00:00:11,447 --> 00:00:12,886
Tony the Tiger style.
4
00:00:12,918 --> 00:00:14,569
- Naked with a kerchief?
- What?
5
00:00:14,620 --> 00:00:15,870
Naked with a kerchief.
6
00:00:15,937 --> 00:00:19,132
No, what do you call
top, no pants?
7
00:00:19,132 --> 00:00:21,570
- Oh, that's like a Winnie the Pooh
or a Paddington. - Honey the Smacks Frog.
8
00:00:21,627 --> 00:00:22,960
There's a Donald the Duck.
SCHMIDT: I guess pretty much
9
00:00:23,045 --> 00:00:24,576
any kind of bear
except for Yogi
10
00:00:24,576 --> 00:00:25,865
'cause that's naked
with a tie.
11
00:00:25,897 --> 00:00:27,414
Alvin, Simon, Theodore.
12
00:00:27,499 --> 00:00:29,522
I saw his entire butt.
13
00:00:29,589 --> 00:00:31,089
Look, Dirk's a good guy.
14
00:00:31,235 --> 00:00:33,180
He was my roommate
when I was in law school.
15
00:00:33,221 --> 00:00:35,125
- Smartest guy I know.
- So, he's a lawyer?
16
00:00:35,125 --> 00:00:37,204
No, he's not a lawyer,
but he does have a law degree,
17
00:00:37,242 --> 00:00:39,484
a business degree,
and a master's in agriculture.
18
00:00:39,544 --> 00:00:41,274
He's kind of like
a degree collector.
19
00:00:41,506 --> 00:00:43,201
He's got his PhD in poetry,
so...
20
00:00:43,264 --> 00:00:44,964
That sucks for poems.
21
00:00:45,015 --> 00:00:46,382
How'd it go with Fancyman?
22
00:00:46,499 --> 00:00:48,533
It was an amazing first date,
23
00:00:48,631 --> 00:00:51,133
except for one awkward
part at the end.
24
00:00:51,373 --> 00:00:54,154
I don't go on dates
very often.
25
00:00:54,231 --> 00:00:56,920
Guys my age always want
to skip the date
26
00:00:56,975 --> 00:00:58,926
and just go right
for the gold.
27
00:01:00,147 --> 00:01:01,866
Which I don't give them
28
00:01:01,933 --> 00:01:03,951
because I'm stingy
with my gold.
29
00:01:04,035 --> 00:01:05,903
Unless they dig for it.
30
00:01:08,941 --> 00:01:11,441
I haven't even gotten
to the awkward part yet.
31
00:01:11,493 --> 00:01:13,327
Oh, hi.
32
00:01:19,167 --> 00:01:21,335
VALET:
Black sedan?
33
00:01:21,419 --> 00:01:23,003
Uh, yeah.
34
00:01:23,088 --> 00:01:24,838
(quietly)
What?
35
00:01:24,923 --> 00:01:26,624
So, he patted me on the back.
36
00:01:26,725 --> 00:01:27,841
I thought I'd
at least get
37
00:01:27,893 --> 00:01:30,344
a front pat. Whoo-ha!
38
00:01:30,395 --> 00:01:31,445
(chuckling)
What?
39
00:01:31,513 --> 00:01:32,847
Look,
40
00:01:32,915 --> 00:01:34,181
he probably just got nervous.
41
00:01:34,232 --> 00:01:35,533
No, Russell's never nervous.
44
00:01:38,547 --> 00:01:39,495
Oh, thank God.
45
00:01:39,571 --> 00:01:40,821
Hey, what's up, baby?
46
00:01:40,872 --> 00:01:42,123
- Ooh.
- Hey, is that Shelby?
47
00:01:42,190 --> 00:01:43,925
(whipping noise)
(meows)
48
00:01:43,992 --> 00:01:45,242
What was that?
That was a cat sound.
49
00:01:45,310 --> 00:01:47,278
Oh, because you did the whip,
we should've...
50
00:01:47,346 --> 00:01:48,663
- Guys! - It should have been
the other way around.
51
00:01:48,714 --> 00:01:50,381
Okay, I'm just gonna ask Cece.
52
00:01:50,465 --> 00:01:52,866
But next time you guys
want advice about girls,
53
00:01:52,918 --> 00:01:54,552
don't come crawling to me.
54
00:01:54,636 --> 00:01:55,720
- You got it.
- That sounds good.
55
00:01:55,804 --> 00:01:58,322
No, that was a joke; I love it
56
00:01:58,390 --> 00:02:00,458
when you guys ask me stuff.
It makes me feel really important.
57
00:02:00,525 --> 00:02:02,443
- And I love it...
- "One shade the more,"
58
00:02:02,511 --> 00:02:03,978
"One ray the less,"
59
00:02:04,045 --> 00:02:06,480
"Had half impaired
the nameless grace."
60
00:02:06,548 --> 00:02:08,516
Are you wearing
a ladies' scarf?
61
00:02:08,583 --> 00:02:09,767
Come to my lecture
tomorrow night.
62
00:02:10,351 --> 00:02:12,386
Absolutely not.
63
00:02:13,437 --> 00:02:14,522
She's missing out,
my man.
64
00:02:14,573 --> 00:02:15,551
- Hey, Schmidt?
- Yeah?
65
00:02:15,611 --> 00:02:17,136
Mind if I borrow your car
to take Shelby to the airport?
66
00:02:17,275 --> 00:02:19,110
Oh, I don't have a car, Winston.
67
00:02:19,894 --> 00:02:22,229
Hey, Schmidt, uh,
you mind if I use the, uh,
68
00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:24,231
"man-bulance"?
69
00:02:24,282 --> 00:02:25,950
The man-bulance is resting.
He needs to get ready
70
00:02:26,034 --> 00:02:27,985
for the corporate team-building
retreat on Monday.
71
00:02:28,053 --> 00:02:29,754
That's cool. I'm sure the
man-bulance couldn't handle
72
00:02:29,838 --> 00:02:31,422
all of Shelby's luggage anyway.
73
00:02:31,506 --> 00:02:33,290
Ooh... What the hell is
wrong with you, Winston?
74
00:02:33,375 --> 00:02:35,593
The man-bulance could fit
the luggage of nine Shelbys.
75
00:02:35,677 --> 00:02:37,044
It has the towing capacity
76
00:02:37,112 --> 00:02:38,479
of a thousand Shelbys.
77
00:02:38,547 --> 00:02:39,714
You know what?
Here you go, Winston.
78
00:02:39,765 --> 00:02:40,881
There you go.
79
00:02:40,932 --> 00:02:42,516
- Enjoy luxury.
- All good, man.
80
00:02:42,584 --> 00:02:44,301
I got your second set,
so thank you.
81
00:02:44,386 --> 00:02:45,770
How'd you get
my second set of keys?
82
00:02:45,854 --> 00:02:47,087
Hey, someone left
your door open.
83
00:02:47,139 --> 00:02:49,056
Someone left
your face beautiful.
84
00:02:50,107 --> 00:02:51,258
Who is that?
85
00:02:51,309 --> 00:02:52,560
JESS:
Apparently, his name is Dirk.
86
00:02:55,062 --> 00:02:57,531
Sorry, Dirk, I'm
seeing somebody.
87
00:02:57,598 --> 00:02:58,899
DIRK:
But should that stop you
88
00:02:58,950 --> 00:03:00,234
from seeing this?
89
00:03:00,285 --> 00:03:01,736
Yeah!
90
00:03:01,787 --> 00:03:03,537
That's awesome.
Does he keep you happy?
91
00:03:03,605 --> 00:03:04,472
He does what he's told.
92
00:03:06,708 --> 00:03:08,576
So you're the boss
and he's your little secretary?
93
00:03:08,627 --> 00:03:10,327
Oh,
94
00:03:10,395 --> 00:03:11,946
you're a sex-cretary?
95
00:03:12,014 --> 00:03:13,714
I am definitely the boss.
96
00:03:15,183 --> 00:03:17,218
Sex-cretary,
he just made that up.
97
00:03:17,285 --> 00:03:18,786
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
98
00:03:18,854 --> 00:03:20,221
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
99
00:03:20,288 --> 00:03:21,922
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
100
00:03:21,973 --> 00:03:23,424
♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
101
00:03:24,175 --> 00:03:25,976
I hate bachelorette parties.
102
00:03:26,061 --> 00:03:28,479
I have, like 50 different
penis items in my carry-on.
103
00:03:28,863 --> 00:03:30,064
This plane goes down,
there's gonna be
104
00:03:30,131 --> 00:03:32,516
some sharks doing
some really weird stuff.
105
00:03:32,601 --> 00:03:34,134
Sharks? I thought
you were going to Vegas?
106
00:03:34,178 --> 00:03:36,006
No, I'm going to Mexico.
I thought I told you that.
107
00:03:36,087 --> 00:03:36,804
Hmm-mm.
108
00:03:36,855 --> 00:03:38,239
Well, if you don't
want me to go,
109
00:03:38,306 --> 00:03:39,824
I don't have to go.
110
00:03:39,891 --> 00:03:41,692
No, no, no, no, no, no,
I want you to go.
111
00:03:41,777 --> 00:03:43,244
It'll be good, you know?
112
00:03:43,311 --> 00:03:44,812
We spent the last
five nights together.
113
00:03:44,863 --> 00:03:46,747
I mean, you know,
we both could use some space.
114
00:03:48,983 --> 00:03:50,451
Right.
115
00:03:52,487 --> 00:03:54,505
- Did I say something wrong?
- What?
116
00:03:54,589 --> 00:03:57,925
I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you
across all the space.
117
00:04:01,162 --> 00:04:02,263
(whispering)
Hey.
118
00:04:02,330 --> 00:04:04,598
Great news, um,
Jess is taking a shower.
119
00:04:04,666 --> 00:04:07,935
Okay, I just need, like,
a good, solid ten minutes.
120
00:04:08,002 --> 00:04:09,186
Eat this granola bar first.
121
00:04:09,771 --> 00:04:12,640
I want to try something
called the horse trough.
122
00:04:13,859 --> 00:04:15,276
No, Cece.
123
00:04:15,343 --> 00:04:16,944
I'm not having sex
with you right now.
124
00:04:17,012 --> 00:04:18,612
I have to get everybody
in the company's name
125
00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,131
into a version of "We
Didn't Start the Fire."
126
00:04:20,198 --> 00:04:21,398
Totally fine.
127
00:04:21,483 --> 00:04:23,901
What do you need,
like, 20 minutes?
128
00:04:23,985 --> 00:04:25,820
Cece, this... (chuckles)
Okay, this is real work
129
00:04:26,371 --> 00:04:29,189
for my real boss who is not you.
130
00:04:29,241 --> 00:04:32,910
Oh, I get what's happening here.
131
00:04:32,994 --> 00:04:36,864
It's 'cause Ponytail called you
a "sex receptionist."
132
00:04:36,915 --> 00:04:38,999
A sex receptionist
answers calls all day.
133
00:04:39,050 --> 00:04:42,336
A sex-cretary does
scheduling, light filing,
134
00:04:42,387 --> 00:04:43,921
basically runs the office.
135
00:04:43,989 --> 00:04:45,172
So, first of all,
136
00:04:45,223 --> 00:04:47,391
thank you for the demotion.
137
00:04:47,459 --> 00:04:48,542
And second of all, I quit.
138
00:04:48,593 --> 00:04:50,144
So, I'll see you tonight.
139
00:04:50,211 --> 00:04:51,846
Did you not hear anything
I just said?
140
00:04:51,897 --> 00:04:54,732
Oh, no, I totally heard you
loud and clear,
141
00:04:54,816 --> 00:04:59,236
but do you know
who didn't happen to hear you?
142
00:04:59,321 --> 00:05:00,855
What are you doing?
143
00:05:00,906 --> 00:05:01,889
Don't-don't-don't involve them.
144
00:05:01,940 --> 00:05:03,190
Oh, my...
145
00:05:03,241 --> 00:05:04,492
They just didn't hear.
146
00:05:04,559 --> 00:05:05,526
Don't bring them into this.
147
00:05:05,577 --> 00:05:06,894
Don't tell me.
148
00:05:06,945 --> 00:05:09,163
Tell them.
149
00:05:12,533 --> 00:05:13,467
Hi.
150
00:05:13,534 --> 00:05:17,037
(chuckles)
I guess, uh, Harold, Kumar,
151
00:05:17,088 --> 00:05:18,622
I love... I love you both.
152
00:05:18,707 --> 00:05:21,709
All the zany adventures
we've had.
153
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:24,077
But we can't go to
White Castle today.
154
00:05:24,129 --> 00:05:25,212
Just can't do it.
155
00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:26,530
You're serious about this?
156
00:05:27,598 --> 00:05:28,432
JESS:
Cece?
157
00:05:29,017 --> 00:05:30,250
Is Schmidt bothering you?
158
00:05:30,302 --> 00:05:31,685
(whispering)
This is not over.
159
00:05:31,753 --> 00:05:33,610
Okay?
160
00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:36,519
Was it like a caress
or like a... like a pat?
161
00:05:36,608 --> 00:05:38,309
No, like a pat;
It was distinctly a pat,
162
00:05:38,393 --> 00:05:39,693
and it was actually
kind of hot.
163
00:05:39,761 --> 00:05:41,061
The man knows how
to pat a back.
164
00:05:41,112 --> 00:05:42,813
At any point during the night,
165
00:05:42,898 --> 00:05:45,098
did you do
your Kermit the Frog imitation?
166
00:05:45,150 --> 00:05:46,367
Maybe.
167
00:05:46,434 --> 00:05:47,535
(as Kermit):
Once or twice.
168
00:05:47,602 --> 00:05:49,375
No, stop, it freaks me out
and you know.
169
00:05:49,375 --> 00:05:50,430
Well, what do I do?
170
00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:52,785
I really, really want to see him
again, like, badly.
171
00:05:52,908 --> 00:05:55,042
- You just call him.
- I can't.
172
00:05:55,109 --> 00:05:56,327
He's too sophisticated.
173
00:05:56,394 --> 00:05:58,078
He told me he'd run
with the bulls,
174
00:05:58,129 --> 00:05:59,496
and I quote,
175
00:05:59,564 --> 00:06:01,173
"not the touristy bulls
in Pamplona."
176
00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:02,974
Big deal. Just call him.
177
00:06:03,051 --> 00:06:05,669
Schmidt says the moment
a woman touches a phone,
178
00:06:05,737 --> 00:06:08,339
she loses her power
unless she's sexting,
179
00:06:08,423 --> 00:06:10,591
in which case, she
gains a half power.
180
00:06:10,642 --> 00:06:11,725
Okay, well,
that's Schmidt just talking...
181
00:06:11,793 --> 00:06:13,344
I mean, what does Schmidt know?
182
00:06:13,428 --> 00:06:15,931
Look, all the guys
that you live with-- boys.
183
00:06:16,006 --> 00:06:17,902
You've only dated boys.
184
00:06:17,902 --> 00:06:19,356
Russell is a grown man,
185
00:06:19,356 --> 00:06:20,485
and I bet he likes women
186
00:06:20,569 --> 00:06:22,469
who know what they want
and ask for it.
187
00:06:22,537 --> 00:06:25,689
He has a hot air balloon
in a hangar in Palm Springs.
188
00:06:25,757 --> 00:06:27,575
Okay, sweetheart,
you are sophisticated.
189
00:06:27,642 --> 00:06:29,076
You've just got
to pick up the phone,
190
00:06:29,143 --> 00:06:31,428
and you ask him out for dinner.
191
00:06:31,496 --> 00:06:33,163
You know what? You're right:
I am sophisticated.
192
00:06:33,248 --> 00:06:34,314
I'm gonna do this.
193
00:06:35,366 --> 00:06:36,516
What is that?
194
00:06:36,868 --> 00:06:38,002
It's a phone.
195
00:06:38,086 --> 00:06:38,953
Oh, God.
196
00:06:41,581 --> 00:06:45,354
And thus ends our journey
through the words of time.
197
00:06:45,401 --> 00:06:47,752
From Dylan Thomas to Bob Dylan,
198
00:06:47,837 --> 00:06:49,904
from Dylan to Dylan.
199
00:06:50,972 --> 00:06:52,708
They're both named Dylan.
200
00:06:52,759 --> 00:06:54,793
- Watch him bring it home, man.
- Do I have to?
201
00:06:54,877 --> 00:06:56,344
We have to rage.
202
00:06:56,411 --> 00:06:58,746
"Rage against the dying
of the light.
203
00:06:58,798 --> 00:07:00,381
"And when the light
204
00:07:00,432 --> 00:07:03,468
is no longer bright."
205
00:07:03,552 --> 00:07:05,136
(harmonica plays)
206
00:07:07,473 --> 00:07:11,259
"Don't think twice,
it's all right."
207
00:07:11,310 --> 00:07:12,426
It's over.
208
00:07:12,478 --> 00:07:14,929
(applause, whistling)
209
00:07:14,980 --> 00:07:16,447
Smartest guy I know.
210
00:07:17,950 --> 00:07:19,600
Professor?
211
00:07:19,652 --> 00:07:20,601
- Professor?
- Yeah?
212
00:07:20,653 --> 00:07:21,986
We wanted to remind you
213
00:07:22,071 --> 00:07:24,489
about the post-lecture
wine and cheese event.
214
00:07:24,573 --> 00:07:26,074
A soiree, eh?
215
00:07:26,125 --> 00:07:27,542
Super classy.
216
00:07:27,609 --> 00:07:30,295
Crackers, bubbles,
crab, hummus.
217
00:07:30,379 --> 00:07:32,613
Yeah, I-I e-mailed
you about that.
218
00:07:32,665 --> 00:07:35,083
- That was me. - Oh, sometimes when
I get a really long e-mail...
219
00:07:38,770 --> 00:07:39,620
I don't read it.
220
00:07:39,672 --> 00:07:40,672
(sighing)
221
00:07:40,756 --> 00:07:42,423
Bye.
222
00:07:43,474 --> 00:07:45,176
Oh, Mommy.
223
00:07:45,261 --> 00:07:46,728
(laughing) All right,
Dirk, what about Deb?
224
00:07:46,795 --> 00:07:48,396
You guys having problems
or something?
225
00:07:48,463 --> 00:07:50,298
No, no, no,
everything's fine.
226
00:07:50,849 --> 00:07:52,600
She left me and moved
out of the house.
227
00:07:52,651 --> 00:07:55,136
I guess it was "too
hard to support me."
228
00:07:55,687 --> 00:07:56,604
"Financially."
229
00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:58,824
It's all fine; her leaving
has allowed me to realize
230
00:07:58,908 --> 00:08:00,609
the one thing that was
missing in my life.
231
00:08:00,660 --> 00:08:01,493
Scarves?
232
00:08:01,577 --> 00:08:03,362
Undergraduate ladies.
233
00:08:03,446 --> 00:08:05,280
You see, girls our age,
what do they want?
234
00:08:05,331 --> 00:08:07,315
They want us to wed them,
sire their children.
235
00:08:07,367 --> 00:08:08,417
They want you to have
236
00:08:08,484 --> 00:08:09,868
- a-a bedframe.
- Right, yeah.
237
00:08:09,952 --> 00:08:11,420
Hmm? They want you
to eat off plates,
238
00:08:11,487 --> 00:08:12,788
but girls in college
239
00:08:12,839 --> 00:08:14,155
all they want you to do
240
00:08:14,207 --> 00:08:17,426
is tell them that
their photography has potential.
241
00:08:17,493 --> 00:08:19,711
Yeah, but don't they want to
hang out wth guys their own age?
242
00:08:19,796 --> 00:08:21,630
Have you hung out with a
20-year-old dude lately?
243
00:08:21,681 --> 00:08:24,499
- Trust me, they are setting the
bar very, very low. - Right.
244
00:08:24,550 --> 00:08:27,135
- They haven't even gone through their
gay phase yet. - Hey, man, I'm gonna
245
00:08:27,186 --> 00:08:28,286
give Shelby a call
really quick.
246
00:08:28,345 --> 00:08:30,018
Just want to check on her,
see if everything's all right.
247
00:08:30,070 --> 00:08:31,631
- Sounds good, man.
- What, dude, relax, okay?
248
00:08:31,674 --> 00:08:33,558
I just said we're gonna give
each other space,
249
00:08:33,643 --> 00:08:35,110
doesn't mean
I can't call her, right,
250
00:08:35,177 --> 00:08:37,979
to see if anything funny
happened on the plane.
251
00:08:38,030 --> 00:08:39,481
You know what "space"
means, right?
252
00:08:39,532 --> 00:08:41,366
That's space to have sex
with other people.
253
00:08:41,451 --> 00:08:43,535
No, space means
you go to Mexico,
254
00:08:44,119 --> 00:08:45,654
and you do not have sex
with other people.
255
00:08:46,105 --> 00:08:46,855
Watch this.
256
00:08:46,906 --> 00:08:49,124
Nick, don't give my any space.
257
00:08:49,191 --> 00:08:50,542
You got it, my man.
258
00:08:50,626 --> 00:08:52,377
See, this makes it pretty hard
259
00:08:52,462 --> 00:08:54,379
for you and I to have sex
right now, doesn't it?
260
00:08:54,464 --> 00:08:56,047
Now, Nick, I want you
261
00:08:56,132 --> 00:08:57,382
- to give me some space.
- You got it.
262
00:08:57,467 --> 00:09:00,051
All this space
allows me opportunity
263
00:09:00,136 --> 00:09:01,887
to have as much sex as we want.
264
00:09:01,971 --> 00:09:02,888
Smartest guy I know.
265
00:09:02,972 --> 00:09:04,139
See how much sex
266
00:09:04,206 --> 00:09:06,641
- we could be having?
- That-that does...
267
00:09:06,709 --> 00:09:08,877
Get out of my way,
bookworms!
268
00:09:08,928 --> 00:09:11,179
You ready to make love
to some college chicks?
269
00:09:11,230 --> 00:09:13,064
Hey, when's the last time
you had mono?
270
00:09:13,149 --> 00:09:14,483
I don't know.
271
00:09:14,550 --> 00:09:17,436
Tomorrow, you're
gonna say yesterday.
272
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,321
CECE: I have that
team-building research
273
00:09:19,388 --> 00:09:21,055
you asked for, Mr. Schmidt.
274
00:09:21,107 --> 00:09:22,190
(screams)
275
00:09:22,241 --> 00:09:24,743
What... are you wearing?
276
00:09:24,827 --> 00:09:26,828
I don't... I don't know.
277
00:09:26,896 --> 00:09:28,062
I mean, I found this
278
00:09:28,114 --> 00:09:29,998
at the lost and found
at the gym.
279
00:09:30,066 --> 00:09:33,251
I'm not really sure how sexy
a sex-cretary is supposed to be.
280
00:09:34,069 --> 00:09:34,870
I've never had
to do this.
281
00:09:34,937 --> 00:09:36,621
I've never had
to seduce somebody before.
282
00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:38,239
If you're gonna seduce me,
283
00:09:38,291 --> 00:09:41,042
don't dress up like
my aunt Frieda at Seder.
284
00:09:42,093 --> 00:09:43,261
Come on, okay?
285
00:09:43,346 --> 00:09:45,180
I will do anything,
286
00:09:45,897 --> 00:09:47,716
and I'll do it anywhere.
287
00:09:47,767 --> 00:09:48,600
All right?
288
00:09:50,470 --> 00:09:52,771
Even fantasy location...
289
00:09:53,855 --> 00:09:54,856
number three?
290
00:09:55,924 --> 00:09:56,892
(sighing)
Okay.
291
00:09:56,943 --> 00:09:59,394
(mellow jazz playing)
292
00:09:59,445 --> 00:10:02,564
Um, how good are the Beatles?
293
00:10:03,115 --> 00:10:04,449
Beatles are the best.
294
00:10:04,834 --> 00:10:06,267
Were you so upset
when they broke up?
295
00:10:06,819 --> 00:10:08,269
I would have been,
but I was one.
296
00:10:08,321 --> 00:10:11,122
(chuckles)
297
00:10:11,207 --> 00:10:13,558
Well, you're not one any more.
298
00:10:16,510 --> 00:10:17,512
How's your prostate?
299
00:10:17,563 --> 00:10:19,347
- Uh...
- I had my breast exam last week,
300
00:10:19,398 --> 00:10:20,782
and, like, they're fine.
301
00:10:21,350 --> 00:10:22,234
It's just boob in there,
302
00:10:22,318 --> 00:10:24,653
but we have to be careful.
303
00:10:24,704 --> 00:10:26,187
Our bodies are decaying.
304
00:10:26,939 --> 00:10:27,622
Are you okay?
305
00:10:27,690 --> 00:10:29,040
You seem strange.
306
00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:30,408
Why didn't we kiss
the other night?
307
00:10:30,493 --> 00:10:31,409
(quietly)
Sorry.
308
00:10:31,477 --> 00:10:32,494
(phone vibrating)
309
00:10:34,530 --> 00:10:35,797
I'm sorry.
310
00:10:35,865 --> 00:10:37,883
- No, it's fine.
- Oh.
311
00:10:37,967 --> 00:10:39,084
- What?
- Hey, I...
312
00:10:39,168 --> 00:10:41,052
- Is everything okay? Oh.
- I got to go.
313
00:10:41,137 --> 00:10:42,921
- This ought to take care
of the dinner. - Yeah.
314
00:10:43,005 --> 00:10:45,707
Okay?
315
00:10:45,758 --> 00:10:47,142
Oh, I cannot believe
I almost left
316
00:10:47,209 --> 00:10:48,426
without, um...
317
00:10:48,511 --> 00:10:49,711
Here, there's cab fare.
318
00:10:49,762 --> 00:10:50,562
- Get home safe.
- Oh.
319
00:10:54,901 --> 00:10:56,384
(beep)
320
00:10:56,452 --> 00:10:57,736
Baby, look, I don't want space,
okay?
321
00:10:57,820 --> 00:10:59,237
I don't want anyone
to have space.
322
00:10:59,322 --> 00:11:01,106
I want to be standing
right in front of you.
323
00:11:01,190 --> 00:11:02,908
I want the air that you breathe
324
00:11:02,992 --> 00:11:05,277
to be the air coming directly
from out of my mouth.
325
00:11:05,361 --> 00:11:07,395
I want to just be passing air
back and forth
326
00:11:07,446 --> 00:11:09,497
between each other
until it's mostly carbon dioxide
327
00:11:09,565 --> 00:11:12,083
and then we both
pass out and die.
328
00:11:14,670 --> 00:11:16,171
(sighs)
329
00:11:16,739 --> 00:11:17,923
No flights tonight.
330
00:11:17,990 --> 00:11:20,838
Hey, Schmidt, do you mind
if I borrow your car again?
331
00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:22,300
"Of course you can, Winston.
You're so great."
332
00:11:22,385 --> 00:11:23,601
Thank you!
333
00:11:39,283 --> 00:11:41,541
(club music playing)
334
00:11:42,192 --> 00:11:43,559
Nope.
335
00:11:43,674 --> 00:11:44,932
Hey, my name's Nicholas.
336
00:11:44,980 --> 00:11:46,893
Nick, Nick.
337
00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:49,839
Buddy, nobody ever regretted
throwing an after party.
338
00:11:49,839 --> 00:11:50,867
Oh, I do.
339
00:11:50,933 --> 00:11:52,105
Dirk, I feel so old here.
340
00:11:52,151 --> 00:11:53,878
Is calling a girl "Shorty"
still cool?
341
00:11:53,930 --> 00:11:55,681
We just got to find your angle
with these college girls.
342
00:11:55,765 --> 00:11:58,233
Your hook, your panty-melter.
343
00:11:58,301 --> 00:12:00,919
Usually, my hook is that it's
closing time, and I'm there.
344
00:12:00,987 --> 00:12:02,905
You were a panty-melting
icon in law school.
345
00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:04,806
If panties were snowmen,
346
00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:07,276
you were March, bro.
347
00:12:10,046 --> 00:12:10,946
Hey.
348
00:12:10,997 --> 00:12:12,581
- Don't-don't do this.
- Skyler, Miriam,
349
00:12:12,648 --> 00:12:14,033
- come over here for a second.
- Don't humiliate me, Dirk.
350
00:12:14,117 --> 00:12:15,617
How cool is my friend, Nick?
351
00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:17,119
Are you a professor, too?
352
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:18,420
No, no, no,
I'm a bartender.
353
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:19,588
30 years old,
354
00:12:19,655 --> 00:12:21,123
I don't have health insurance.
355
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:23,709
You know how to
make drinks?
356
00:12:23,793 --> 00:12:25,494
(whispering)
Panty-melter.
357
00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:27,629
Do I know how to make drinks,
did you say?
358
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,431
Yeah, like alcoholic drinks?
359
00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:30,849
Yeah, I do that professionally.
360
00:12:30,934 --> 00:12:33,018
You could get me
drunk professionally?
361
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,720
Are you a cop?
362
00:12:34,804 --> 00:12:35,904
Sometimes.
363
00:12:35,972 --> 00:12:37,172
(both laugh)
364
00:12:37,223 --> 00:12:38,107
Do you have identification
on you?
365
00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:39,341
(both laugh)
366
00:12:42,045 --> 00:12:43,896
(hip-hop music playing)
367
00:12:47,650 --> 00:12:48,567
I gotta call Jenna
368
00:12:48,568 --> 00:12:50,786
and tell her I'm making out
with a bartender.
369
00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:52,871
Five nights a week.
370
00:12:52,956 --> 00:12:56,191
Jess, you made it
to the party!
371
00:12:56,242 --> 00:12:58,076
What's going on?
Why is the cast
372
00:12:58,161 --> 00:12:59,745
of the Social Network
in our apartment?
373
00:12:59,829 --> 00:13:01,630
Dirk is a genius!
374
00:13:01,697 --> 00:13:04,133
20-year-old girls--
they think I'm awesome!
375
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,751
And look at 'em!
376
00:13:05,835 --> 00:13:07,753
They don't know what
Saved by the Bell is
377
00:13:07,837 --> 00:13:09,087
and they've never felt pain.
378
00:13:10,172 --> 00:13:12,674
I'm Skyler's Fancyman!
379
00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:13,842
Can you believe it?
380
00:13:13,893 --> 00:13:15,227
Where's your Fancyman?
Where is he?
381
00:13:15,311 --> 00:13:17,229
I don't know.
It was horrible.
382
00:13:17,313 --> 00:13:20,549
He left and gave me
$100 for a cab!
383
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:21,984
You know what?
384
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:24,153
I'm gonna use
the remaining 90
385
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:26,555
to get out of here
and start a new life.
386
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:27,940
It's been nice
knowing you.
387
00:13:28,024 --> 00:13:30,826
ALL:
Hey...!
388
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:32,611
I'm gonna die alone!
389
00:13:32,695 --> 00:13:34,229
Oh, no!
390
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,865
I am so, so sad
right now.
391
00:13:36,916 --> 00:13:39,585
My heart hurts!
392
00:13:39,669 --> 00:13:41,954
You want Nick to make you
a bayberry breeze?
393
00:13:42,038 --> 00:13:44,206
- 'Cause he is so smart.
- So smart.
394
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:46,241
Yes, I do. Yes, I do!
395
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:52,347
This. (laughs)
396
00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:55,350
I'm not happy! 30 sucks!
397
00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:58,303
Ah, weird party move.
398
00:14:00,756 --> 00:14:05,194
♪ It's time
to try defying gravity ♪
399
00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:10,449
♪ I think I'll try
defying gravity ♪
400
00:14:10,533 --> 00:14:11,600
(whispering):
It's been two hours.
401
00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:12,951
This is
officially crazy.
402
00:14:13,036 --> 00:14:14,453
Also, I have to go
to the bathroom.
403
00:14:14,537 --> 00:14:15,871
Just pee yourself.
404
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:17,239
So you'd rather sit
in my urine
405
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:18,707
for the rest of the car ride
406
00:14:18,709 --> 00:14:20,993
than admit to Winston
that we're sleeping together?
407
00:14:21,077 --> 00:14:23,795
Yep, absolutely.
Don't even have to think about it.
408
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:26,465
I don't want to ruin
what we have, okay?
409
00:14:26,549 --> 00:14:28,500
Because if people
find out,
410
00:14:28,585 --> 00:14:30,302
they're gonna have
a lot of questions,
411
00:14:30,386 --> 00:14:32,421
like, "Cece, why are
you sleeping with him?"
412
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:35,173
And, "Seriously, why?"
413
00:14:35,258 --> 00:14:37,009
You think we have something
to ruin?
414
00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:39,561
Earlier, I was dressed
as a sex-cretary.
415
00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:42,681
And I was wearing shoulder pads.
416
00:14:42,765 --> 00:14:44,900
So I obviously
417
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:47,102
must like sleeping with you.
418
00:14:48,238 --> 00:14:50,272
A secre-tarty.
419
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,858
Shut... up.
420
00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:57,713
This is pretty great.
421
00:14:57,780 --> 00:14:59,181
I'm freezing.
422
00:14:59,249 --> 00:15:01,033
- Yeah.
- I'm so cold.
423
00:15:01,117 --> 00:15:02,951
How are you
not freezing?
424
00:15:03,002 --> 00:15:05,654
Does brown skin
retain heat?
425
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:08,123
♪ Instead of dreary
who-you-were, well, are ♪
426
00:15:08,174 --> 00:15:11,793
♪ There's nothing that can stop
you from becoming popular ♪
427
00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:13,462
♪ Lar ♪
428
00:15:13,513 --> 00:15:15,464
♪ La, la ♪
429
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:18,016
♪ La, ah-ah, ah... ♪
430
00:15:18,968 --> 00:15:21,353
(cheering)
431
00:15:21,437 --> 00:15:23,805
Take out your tampon
and drink, Trevor!
432
00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:26,841
The Flip Queen has spoken!
433
00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:28,777
ALL (chanting):
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
434
00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:30,228
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
435
00:15:30,313 --> 00:15:32,698
(phone ringing)
436
00:15:33,482 --> 00:15:34,316
Shelby.
437
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:35,817
Babe, I don't want space.
438
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:37,235
SHELBY:
Neither do I!
439
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,571
That's why
I'm at your apartment.
440
00:15:39,656 --> 00:15:41,323
I got on a plane.
I wanted to see you.
441
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:43,041
What?!
442
00:15:43,126 --> 00:15:45,627
Babe, look, I'm in Mexico.
I came to see you.
443
00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:46,745
Are you serious?
444
00:15:46,829 --> 00:15:47,796
I miss you, Shelby.
445
00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:49,197
You're so sexy, girl.
446
00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:51,366
In or out of the wig.
447
00:15:51,417 --> 00:15:53,385
I don't care. Shelby.
448
00:15:53,469 --> 00:15:55,370
You make me so feel brave, babe,
449
00:15:55,421 --> 00:15:57,472
and I've never felt like this
about anybody else before.
450
00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,374
I love you.
451
00:15:59,442 --> 00:16:02,928
And I carry your soul-song
with me wherever I go.
452
00:16:02,996 --> 00:16:04,379
I love you, too.
453
00:16:04,430 --> 00:16:06,381
I'm coming back, baby.
No space!
454
00:16:06,432 --> 00:16:09,918
(tires squealing)
455
00:16:09,986 --> 00:16:12,020
Are you traveling with any
non-US citizens? (laughs)
456
00:16:12,989 --> 00:16:15,441
You actually catch people
with that line?
457
00:16:16,526 --> 00:16:18,727
No, sir, just me
and my American heart...
458
00:16:19,778 --> 00:16:20,779
full of love.
459
00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:24,116
Then how do you explain...
460
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:27,703
this?
461
00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:31,540
I can't... sir.
462
00:16:31,607 --> 00:16:33,525
(laughs)
463
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:37,062
No one in the entire world
can explain that.
464
00:16:41,161 --> 00:16:43,496
I am so tall!
465
00:16:44,330 --> 00:16:47,249
I feel like a Chinese
basketball player.
466
00:16:47,834 --> 00:16:49,635
Russell?
467
00:16:49,702 --> 00:16:52,204
(shrieks and grunts,
crowd gasps)
468
00:16:52,255 --> 00:16:52,871
Oh.
469
00:16:52,923 --> 00:16:54,590
(whooping)
470
00:17:00,013 --> 00:17:01,514
Hey, Jess.
471
00:17:01,565 --> 00:17:03,182
I'm not Jess.
472
00:17:03,233 --> 00:17:06,569
I'm her cousin... Sylvia?
473
00:17:08,355 --> 00:17:09,605
Are you doing okay?
474
00:17:10,189 --> 00:17:11,740
I want a donut.
475
00:17:12,325 --> 00:17:15,561
Then let's get you a donut.
476
00:17:15,629 --> 00:17:17,329
Please?
477
00:17:17,397 --> 00:17:20,249
I want to talk
to you... alone.
478
00:17:23,702 --> 00:17:25,286
Well, this is
a fun group.
479
00:17:25,371 --> 00:17:26,872
Hmm. Can you drop me off
at my dorm?
480
00:17:26,923 --> 00:17:27,756
It's called Hamilton.
481
00:17:28,341 --> 00:17:30,426
I'd like to vomit now. (grunts)
482
00:17:35,132 --> 00:17:36,515
(grunts)
483
00:17:36,583 --> 00:17:39,251
God!
484
00:17:39,302 --> 00:17:41,770
I've never jumped out
of a moving car before!
485
00:17:41,855 --> 00:17:44,140
That was bad-ass!
486
00:17:44,224 --> 00:17:45,691
- Hey, uh, kiddo.
- Okay.
487
00:17:45,758 --> 00:17:47,275
- Nick, that's the road.
- What's up?
488
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:48,194
You want the woods.
489
00:17:48,261 --> 00:17:49,612
I want the woods.
You're smart, Russ.
490
00:17:49,696 --> 00:17:51,147
- Come here.
- Hey, it was nothing.
491
00:17:51,231 --> 00:17:53,432
You're okay, Russ.
492
00:17:53,483 --> 00:17:56,569
Okay, we can hug
some more later.
493
00:17:56,620 --> 00:17:58,287
This isn't her, you know.
494
00:17:58,371 --> 00:17:59,955
She's not like us.
495
00:18:00,540 --> 00:18:02,258
She's one of the good ones.
496
00:18:03,877 --> 00:18:06,662
Time to make the
puke, Russell.
497
00:18:06,746 --> 00:18:08,414
SCHMIDT: So listen,
man, it's-it's really
498
00:18:08,465 --> 00:18:09,473
important to us
499
00:18:09,476 --> 00:18:11,617
that our completely equal
sexual relationship
500
00:18:11,668 --> 00:18:13,785
where neither one of us
has the upper hand,
501
00:18:13,837 --> 00:18:16,972
uh, remain a secret,
and while I respect
502
00:18:17,057 --> 00:18:19,391
the fact that you listen to
Wicked while you're alone,
503
00:18:19,459 --> 00:18:22,344
I could use that information
against you
504
00:18:22,429 --> 00:18:24,296
at any point
in time.
505
00:18:24,347 --> 00:18:25,848
By the way, there's a stop sign,
like, right up...
506
00:18:25,932 --> 00:18:27,266
Is that a stop sign?
507
00:18:27,334 --> 00:18:28,868
Well, you'd probably want
to slow down...
508
00:18:28,919 --> 00:18:30,503
CECE: Oh, my God.
Maybe it's a go sign.
509
00:18:30,570 --> 00:18:32,121
I don't think
it's a go sign.
510
00:18:32,205 --> 00:18:34,290
Because if somebody like you
511
00:18:34,374 --> 00:18:37,176
is sleeping with
someone like her,
512
00:18:37,243 --> 00:18:39,378
then maybe the whole damn
world is upside down!
513
00:18:39,429 --> 00:18:41,213
It's just what
I'm thinking.
514
00:18:41,264 --> 00:18:43,382
(laughs)
515
00:18:43,433 --> 00:18:44,767
And I want to
talk to you.
516
00:18:44,851 --> 00:18:46,468
I want to have a chance
to explain.
517
00:18:46,553 --> 00:18:48,220
That's okay. I understand.
518
00:18:48,271 --> 00:18:50,606
I just... I thought
519
00:18:50,690 --> 00:18:53,759
you wanted a sophisticated lady,
but now I realize that
520
00:18:53,810 --> 00:18:57,062
you like dating younger girls
'cause we think you're cool.
521
00:18:57,113 --> 00:18:58,364
And you know what?
522
00:18:58,431 --> 00:19:00,616
It's working because...
523
00:19:00,700 --> 00:19:03,202
I think you're a hotty
with a body.
524
00:19:03,269 --> 00:19:05,738
Oh. Um...
525
00:19:06,805 --> 00:19:08,707
I got to tell you,
I didn't ask you out
526
00:19:08,709 --> 00:19:09,758
because you're
younger than me.
527
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,293
I asked you out
because I like you.
528
00:19:11,878 --> 00:19:15,965
But I-I've forgotten really
how... how to do this, you know.
529
00:19:16,049 --> 00:19:19,001
I haven't dated since 1989...
530
00:19:20,085 --> 00:19:22,821
when I took her to the
picture show in my buggy.
531
00:19:22,889 --> 00:19:26,425
1989 was, my friend,
532
00:19:26,476 --> 00:19:29,728
the year that I learned
to use the toaster by myself.
533
00:19:29,796 --> 00:19:32,064
Oh.
534
00:19:32,131 --> 00:19:34,350
The text I got at dinner
was from my ex-wife.
535
00:19:34,434 --> 00:19:35,734
Sarah's with her
this weekend,
536
00:19:35,802 --> 00:19:37,269
I didn't pack
her inhaler.
537
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:38,537
She was having
an asthma attack.
538
00:19:38,605 --> 00:19:40,272
- Is Sarah okay?
- Yeah.
539
00:19:41,023 --> 00:19:42,741
Yeah. Thanks. I-I...
540
00:19:43,309 --> 00:19:45,361
I just feel like I
should have explained.
541
00:19:45,445 --> 00:19:46,979
And I really
wanted to kiss you
542
00:19:47,030 --> 00:19:48,814
- the other night.
- Really?
543
00:19:48,865 --> 00:19:50,866
I wanted to do more
than kiss you.
544
00:19:50,951 --> 00:19:52,651
I'd like to do you,
at some point.
545
00:19:52,702 --> 00:19:54,286
(laughs)
Like, you know, really,
546
00:19:54,337 --> 00:19:55,988
really give it to you good.
547
00:19:56,039 --> 00:19:57,756
(laughs)
548
00:19:57,824 --> 00:20:00,009
Uh, but I've forgotten
how to tell
549
00:20:00,093 --> 00:20:02,528
whether it's the right moment.
550
00:20:02,596 --> 00:20:04,330
I was nervous.
551
00:20:04,397 --> 00:20:06,298
You were nervous?
552
00:20:06,349 --> 00:20:08,667
Nick was right.
553
00:20:08,718 --> 00:20:11,503
He can be really wise sometimes.
554
00:20:11,554 --> 00:20:13,222
Oh, my God,
it's happening!
555
00:20:13,306 --> 00:20:15,941
It's coming!
I think I'm dying!
556
00:20:16,009 --> 00:20:18,043
I feel scared
and excited!
557
00:20:18,111 --> 00:20:19,361
(vomiting)
558
00:20:19,446 --> 00:20:21,030
(laughs)
(continues vomiting)
559
00:20:21,614 --> 00:20:22,815
What do you think?
560
00:20:22,866 --> 00:20:24,733
What do I think of what?
561
00:20:24,818 --> 00:20:26,452
Do you think now
is the right moment?
562
00:20:26,519 --> 00:20:28,220
I think so.
563
00:20:28,288 --> 00:20:29,955
Okay.
564
00:20:30,023 --> 00:20:32,791
NICK:
Get out of me, you poison!
565
00:20:32,859 --> 00:20:35,494
(liquid splashes)
566
00:20:35,545 --> 00:20:38,163
Wait. Is that your hand?
567
00:20:38,614 --> 00:20:39,965
No.
568
00:20:40,033 --> 00:20:41,383
That's my hand.
569
00:20:41,468 --> 00:20:43,535
- Oh, my God!
- You're welcome.
570
00:20:43,586 --> 00:20:45,671
Get out of here, Dirk!
571
00:20:45,722 --> 00:20:47,039
(muttering):
You get out of here...
572
00:20:47,090 --> 00:20:49,258
Come here.
573
00:20:49,342 --> 00:20:51,877
(exhales loudly)
574
00:20:51,928 --> 00:20:55,180
(groans)
575
00:20:55,231 --> 00:20:57,716
Hey!
576
00:20:57,767 --> 00:21:00,218
Oh, no!
577
00:21:00,270 --> 00:21:03,405
Where are you guys?
578
00:21:03,490 --> 00:21:06,875
(phone ringing)
(sighs)
579
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,327
Hello?
580
00:21:08,378 --> 00:21:09,695
NICK:
Hey, where are you guys?
581
00:21:09,763 --> 00:21:12,047
Hey, could I have walked
out into the mountains?
582
00:21:12,132 --> 00:21:14,266
When does a hill
become a mountain?
583
00:21:14,334 --> 00:21:17,469
It just happened.
584
00:21:17,537 --> 00:21:19,004
I'm so cold.
585
00:21:19,055 --> 00:21:20,205
DIRK:
Who is this?
586
00:21:23,042 --> 00:21:24,259
(sighs)
587
00:21:25,645 --> 00:21:28,880
Oh, my God, Dirk is dead!
588
00:21:28,932 --> 00:21:31,415
(sobbing):
Dirk is dead!
589
00:21:34,132 --> 00:21:35,915
Smartest guy I knew.
590
00:21:35,917 --> 00:21:40,918
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