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(Organ music playing)
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(Ripp) The lesson today is taken
from Matthew 5:39.
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"But I say unto you, love your enemies. "
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"Do good to them that hate you. "
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"Bless them that curse you"
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"and pray for them that smite you. "
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"And to him that smites you
on the one cheek,"
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"turn to him the other. "
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Thank you, Ripp,
for the reading of the word.
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And now for announcements.
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As you know, me
and my beautiful bride Carlene
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will be celebrating
our 17th anniversary this week
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with the annual renewal of our vows.
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This year's theme is "Gone With The Wind. "
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(Laughs) And as always,
the entire congregation
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is invited to attend the reception
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at Dallas' own Tara, our home.
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No gifts. Just donations to our charity...
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"for children with something. "
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Mark your contributions
to "Gone With The Wind. "
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Let us now present
our tithes and offerings.
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♪
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Hey, Ladybug.
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Hey.
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Oh, I'm sorry.
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♪ Lord, make me ♪
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♪ an instrument ♪
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♪ of thy peace ♪
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How amazing is my sister's voice, huh?
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Listening to Carlene sing
is like being closer to God.
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♪ Let me sow love ♪
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(Plate clatters)
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What's wrong, Carlene?
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Double whammy, Ripp.
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First, pastor Tudor's
"turn the other cheek" sermon,
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then your fingers strumming
that beautiful prayer
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got me to thinking.
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Trying to almost-but-not-really
blackmail Amanda last week
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was awful of me.
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Wrong, wrong wrong.
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God forgives you, kitten.
We're all sinners.
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She drives men to drive off cliffs,
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and he has terrible taste in women.
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Who am I to say they're not
meant for each other?
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Ripp, consider my cheek officially turned.
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You get so full of love
around vow renewal time.
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Mm.
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I am the matron of honor.
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It's Carlene's highest accolade.
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She's never given it to me in 17 years.
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But thanks to my recent personal growth
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under your tutelage, pastor Tudor,
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she knows I can handle
the massive responsibilities
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that come with matron-of-honorship.
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Don't you just walk down an aisle?
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Oh, lord, have mercy, no.
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I have planned this thing to perfection.
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From the twelve oaks pick in a rifle valley,
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To the horse-drawn carriages
that bring the guests
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to the "burning of Atlanta"
barbecue reception.
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I'm... I'm getting kind of nervous.
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All you have to do is read the vows.
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I'll provide your horse
and the confederate uniform.
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Sperm bank. Low overhead.
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Just a couple of freezers,
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plastic cups, and dirty magazines.
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Should we invest in it?
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Everybody wants babies.
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You're misty. Something the matter?
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Oh, no, nothing. Just a...
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Just a reality check.
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Our nest will be empty soon.
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Little angel's going off to college.
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She's not gonna need her daddy anymore.
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Well, there is a bright side.
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No more pep rallies,
parent-teacher conferences.
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More time for product expansion,
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and if we're gonna bust
that chambermaid union,
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we really have to focus.
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You know, truth be told,
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I always thought we'd have another one.
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Another what?
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- Baby?
- Wasn't that part of the 15-year plan?
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Triple your father's business,
have two kids?
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Well, plans change.
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I've got way too much going on
with the I.P.O.
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to even think about raising
another child right now.
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Speaking of daddy business...
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You seem very busy up at the ranch
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with your new foreman... Randy.
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- Rusty.
- Rusty.
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That relationship has
nothing to do with this.
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Never has, you know that.
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I want another child.
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Just... consider it.
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I always consider everything.
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(Tone chimes) (Man over P.A.)
Please fasten your seatbelts
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and prepare for landing.
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(Engines roaring)
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One more thing.
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The matron of honor Melanie Wilkes...
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Parasol.
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(Gasps)
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(Both giggle)
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Oh, my God in heaven, you look...
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(Whispers) Antebellum.
(Squeals)
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Hey, girls, sorry I'm late.
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Just got off the plane from El Paso.
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I require liquor.
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Anything wrong?
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You look like somebody licked
the red off your candy.
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(Inhales deeply)
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You know how carefully I plan my life.
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Blake wants to upend my agenda.
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Ripp likes to do that, too, sometimes.
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Took some gettin' used to.
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Look at my parasol. It twirls.
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You've got to be kidding me.
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This theme is worse than
"The Empire Strikes Back. "
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What did Blake do?
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Out of the blue, he tells me
he wants another baby.
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Part of me would love
to try motherhood again.
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And this time, actually try motherhood.
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I mean, Alexandra never even
came to me for a hug.
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And I'm not asking for one, either.
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Sharing and caring time is over.
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Ladies, before you throw me out,
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you let me say my piece.
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Now I know things haven't
been great between us
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ever since the whole uncle Burl thing...
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You mean ever since you stole the land
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for her condos for Christian
living right out from under her?
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Sharon, I appreciate you
leaping to my defense,
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but I've already forgiven Heather
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for her shocking lapse of judgment.
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You should never choose a man
over your dear, dear friends...
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Especially the kind you date,
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who just... come and go.
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I know I messed up, and I am so, so sorry.
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You ladies are my best friends.
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We're practically sisters.
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(Voice breaks) I really miss you.
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Oh, honey, we missed you, too.
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Welcome back into the fold.
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Thank... oh. Thank you.
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(Laughs)
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Talk is cheap, darling.
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You can't just tell me you love me.
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You're gonna have to show me.
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I've never had turkey bacon before.
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You really are from California.
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Don't worry. Mama hates it, too.
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Hey, um, listen...
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since you and I seem to be on
the verge of hitting it off...
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well, I think we're on the verge
of hitting it out of the park.
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Okay. Then I just gotta know...
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exactly how close are you and Carlene?
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Carlene is a good woman
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who's just terrified of being bad, okay?
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Which sometimes makes her behavior...
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Incomprehensible?
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(Laughs)
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Now I never understand her,
but I adore her.
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And, hey, she does know how
to throw a good party.
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In fact, what are you doing Saturday?
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You wanna be my date for the vow renewal?
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I wish I could. I... just...
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Anything else I'd be totally game for.
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I just think that with
Carlene's and my history,
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it's not such a good idea.
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You understand.
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- Not really.
- Not really.
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No. But hey, if you change your mind,
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I'll just...
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- Be right across the street.
- Oh.
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Bye.
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Hey.
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- Get out of here.
- Mm.
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(Gasps)
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How much did you hear?
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Well, I must have heard wrong,
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because you couldn't possibly
have sent away a good man
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just because you're scared
of some blonde nitwit
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in 20-inch heels.
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Mother, Carlene and I
have serious differences.
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So what? Luke is a doll.
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Set aside your differences with Carlene.
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How am I supposed to do that?
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Don't be a chicken. Cross the road.
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Amanda!
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I'm sure you're not here to see me.
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Luke!
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- Hey.
- Hey.
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- Perfect timing.
- Yeah.
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00:08:06,199 --> 00:08:08,534
You can help with my civil war costume.
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Gonna freak Carlene out
and come as Abraham Lincoln.
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But he wasn't in "Gone With The Wind. "
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I like breaking the rules.
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Me, too.
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And in the spirit of that,
I've changed my mind.
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I'd love to be your date
on Saturday night.
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That is awesome.
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Amanda's my date for the vow renewal.
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(Cork pops, glass shatters)
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Luke, precious... (Laughs)
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You know the protocol.
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You're the best man.
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The best man's date has to be
someone in the bridal party.
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00:08:33,492 --> 00:08:34,992
Take Heather. She's alone again...
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With no one... Powerless.
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00:08:37,529 --> 00:08:39,162
Or take me. Zack's out of town.
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Yeah. (Chuckles) Take Sharon.
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00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:43,000
Okay, I just won't be
in the wedding party, then.
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We'll come as civilians.
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Absolutely not.
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You have to stand up with me.
219
00:08:47,271 --> 00:08:48,939
You'll be my only family in attendance.
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00:08:48,974 --> 00:08:50,306
Aunt Bitsy's dead,
221
00:08:50,340 --> 00:08:52,542
uncle Burl's in unincorporated Juarez,
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00:08:52,576 --> 00:08:54,210
and mama and daddy have a bridge game.
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00:08:54,244 --> 00:08:57,747
Luke, you're upsetting Carlene's
carefully laid plans.
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00:08:57,781 --> 00:09:00,216
Lady hates it when
a man messes up her plans.
225
00:09:00,250 --> 00:09:02,184
Today's sophisticated and dynamic woman
226
00:09:02,219 --> 00:09:04,921
decides and accepts
what her life is going to be.
227
00:09:04,955 --> 00:09:06,955
It's not fair for someone
to just walk in there
228
00:09:06,990 --> 00:09:09,925
and rip it to hell
just because he has a penis!
229
00:09:11,561 --> 00:09:13,762
On second thought,
I'm gonna sit this one out.
230
00:09:13,796 --> 00:09:16,431
You just call me when
the circus leaves town, okay?
231
00:09:16,465 --> 00:09:18,033
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
232
00:09:18,067 --> 00:09:20,068
I have been to 16
of these monkey scratches.
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00:09:20,102 --> 00:09:22,670
Just... (Whispers) Please don't do this.
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00:09:22,704 --> 00:09:25,139
If you can't bend the rules
just this once,
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00:09:25,173 --> 00:09:27,642
well, then maybe I sit this one out, too.
236
00:09:27,676 --> 00:09:29,744
(Loudly) No!
237
00:09:29,778 --> 00:09:31,211
You're choosing Amanda Vaughn
238
00:09:31,246 --> 00:09:33,915
over me and my celebration of love?
239
00:09:33,949 --> 00:09:35,583
That is one cheek I will not turn.
240
00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:38,051
You make your choices, I make mine.
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(Sharon) But, Luke,
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00:09:41,355 --> 00:09:42,956
there's no way she can attend.
243
00:09:42,990 --> 00:09:45,592
Amanda doesn't even have a dress.
244
00:09:47,528 --> 00:09:48,962
(Gasps)
245
00:09:48,996 --> 00:09:51,330
Carlene! Don't go there!
Don't... not the parasol!
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00:09:51,365 --> 00:09:53,033
(Gasps)
247
00:09:53,067 --> 00:09:55,067
In the spirit of forgiveness,
be my matron of honor.
248
00:09:55,101 --> 00:09:56,068
See? Problem solved.
249
00:09:56,102 --> 00:10:00,005
No! It's my time!
250
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:02,074
If that's the only way to get
my little brother at my wedding,
251
00:10:02,108 --> 00:10:03,609
then that's the way it's gotta be.
252
00:10:05,445 --> 00:10:07,446
Tell me this isn't happening.
253
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:08,948
I wish I could.
254
00:10:08,982 --> 00:10:11,248
Civil war.
255
00:10:11,283 --> 00:10:13,017
I love it.
256
00:10:15,220 --> 00:10:16,220
GCB 1x06- Turn the Other Cheek
Original air date April 8, 2012
257
00:10:16,255 --> 00:10:19,955
Sync and corrected by atrn97g
Resync by into-the-light
www.addic7ed.com
258
00:10:21,061 --> 00:10:22,395
(Doorbell rings)
259
00:10:23,964 --> 00:10:25,330
Well, hi there, neighbor.
260
00:10:25,365 --> 00:10:28,032
Sharon. What can I do for you?
261
00:10:28,067 --> 00:10:33,272
Well, since I have been relieved
of my matron-of-honor duties,
262
00:10:33,306 --> 00:10:36,742
which... by the way, thank you so much...
263
00:10:36,776 --> 00:10:38,777
really was a burden...
264
00:10:38,811 --> 00:10:41,545
- Sharon, I had no idea that...
- Oh, no problemo.
265
00:10:41,580 --> 00:10:43,981
- I just thought I'd bring by some...
- Oh, God.
266
00:10:44,015 --> 00:10:46,384
- ... stuff that I've been compiling.
- Oh!
267
00:10:46,418 --> 00:10:48,152
(Thud)
(Grunts)
268
00:10:48,186 --> 00:10:49,453
This...
269
00:10:49,488 --> 00:10:52,323
details everything that
falls under your purview...
270
00:10:52,357 --> 00:10:55,726
itineraries, guest lists,
battle of Atlanta research.
271
00:10:55,761 --> 00:10:57,761
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
272
00:10:57,795 --> 00:10:59,629
That's...
273
00:10:59,664 --> 00:11:01,364
(Thud)
274
00:11:01,399 --> 00:11:03,900
Oh, it's heavy, I know.
Don't let that scare you.
275
00:11:03,934 --> 00:11:07,203
You just have a few...
Dozen more things to do.
276
00:11:07,237 --> 00:11:09,005
- I'm sure you can handle it.
- Sure can.
277
00:11:09,039 --> 00:11:11,140
Making Carlene happy is important to Luke,
278
00:11:11,175 --> 00:11:13,241
and that's important to me.
279
00:11:13,276 --> 00:11:16,077
Now don't forget to get a gift
for today's bridal shower.
280
00:11:16,112 --> 00:11:17,513
You'll be hosting it.
281
00:11:17,547 --> 00:11:18,681
- I will?
- Mm-hmm.
282
00:11:18,715 --> 00:11:19,748
The theme is...
283
00:11:19,783 --> 00:11:23,652
"his rod and staff, they comfort me. "
284
00:11:23,687 --> 00:11:26,087
One of those... themes.
285
00:11:26,122 --> 00:11:27,088
You know what I mean?
286
00:11:27,123 --> 00:11:29,724
I have a pretty good idea, yeah.
287
00:11:29,758 --> 00:11:30,891
And then there's
288
00:11:30,926 --> 00:11:32,193
the bachelorette girls-only vacay.
289
00:11:32,227 --> 00:11:36,030
Just us girls. Together.
Out of town. Overnight.
290
00:11:36,064 --> 00:11:38,032
Gonna be fun.
291
00:11:38,066 --> 00:11:39,200
Get rowdy!
292
00:11:39,234 --> 00:11:42,704
Yeah, that sounds outstanding. Um...
293
00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:48,608
Hope you can keep up!
294
00:11:48,643 --> 00:11:49,609
(Door opens)
295
00:11:49,644 --> 00:11:50,777
Me, too. (Door closes)
296
00:11:50,812 --> 00:11:52,546
♪
297
00:11:52,580 --> 00:11:54,448
(Speaks indistinctly)
298
00:11:54,482 --> 00:11:56,817
- Here.
- Oh!
299
00:11:56,851 --> 00:11:59,285
Amanda, I'm concerned.
300
00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:02,087
You didn't put food content labels
in front of the dishes.
301
00:12:02,121 --> 00:12:04,056
Our friends have so many allergies.
302
00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:05,224
Lannylou Cullen will die
303
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,226
if a peanut so much as brushes her lips.
304
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:08,394
How am I supposed to know that?
305
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,929
Oh, chapter 17 in
the matron of honor manual...
306
00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:13,031
"avoiding a buffet of death. "
307
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,401
Here. I have an extra epipen just in case.
308
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:17,435
You have to be fast.
Stab them right in the heart.
309
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:19,103
Girls.
310
00:12:19,137 --> 00:12:21,272
- Geeg.
- Gigi.
311
00:12:21,306 --> 00:12:22,540
How you holding up, darling?
312
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,008
Hmm. Hostessing in Dallas
313
00:12:24,042 --> 00:12:25,810
is very different than California.
314
00:12:25,845 --> 00:12:28,413
I'm sure. Here, we're known
for our manners.
315
00:12:28,447 --> 00:12:30,515
Look at Carlene. She can be lovely.
316
00:12:30,549 --> 00:12:31,949
So gracious.
317
00:12:31,984 --> 00:12:34,585
Almost human.
318
00:12:34,619 --> 00:12:36,152
You know, darling,
have you ever considered
319
00:12:36,187 --> 00:12:37,421
that she's actually capable
320
00:12:37,455 --> 00:12:39,990
of a generous gesture
where you're concerned?
321
00:12:40,024 --> 00:12:45,596
She's really trying to embrace
the idea of you and her brother?
322
00:12:45,630 --> 00:12:46,597
No.
323
00:12:46,631 --> 00:12:47,598
Me, either.
324
00:12:47,632 --> 00:12:49,499
Carlene, you ready to start the gifts?
325
00:12:49,533 --> 00:12:52,268
I was born ready, darling. (Giggles)
326
00:12:52,302 --> 00:12:54,704
Here, crick. I got you a glass of bubbly.
327
00:12:54,738 --> 00:12:57,006
This isn't 52 degrees.
328
00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,642
Okay, girls, let's go. Here we go.
329
00:12:59,676 --> 00:13:01,411
Uh, okay.
330
00:13:01,445 --> 00:13:03,379
(Singsongy)
This one looks like a nice one.
331
00:13:03,414 --> 00:13:04,913
Oh, thank you, Amanda.
332
00:13:04,947 --> 00:13:06,180
It is from...
333
00:13:06,215 --> 00:13:08,650
(Singsongy) Cousin Deecie!
334
00:13:08,684 --> 00:13:10,985
Bless her 82-year-old heart.
335
00:13:11,020 --> 00:13:12,754
Always right on theme.
336
00:13:12,789 --> 00:13:14,122
Aw.
337
00:13:14,156 --> 00:13:16,658
Make sure you get a list of
gifts for the thank-you cards.
338
00:13:16,692 --> 00:13:17,659
Here's a pen.
339
00:13:17,693 --> 00:13:18,660
Next! Okay.
340
00:13:18,694 --> 00:13:20,928
Oh, um...
341
00:13:20,962 --> 00:13:22,963
Yes. This one is from...
342
00:13:22,997 --> 00:13:25,766
(Gasps) Honey Branigan.
343
00:13:25,801 --> 00:13:27,501
Oh, Honey! You never fail me!
344
00:13:27,536 --> 00:13:31,672
Oh! It's Moses parting the Red Sea.
345
00:13:31,706 --> 00:13:33,040
Well, it's not Jesus, darling,
346
00:13:33,074 --> 00:13:35,543
but at least you got the staff part right.
347
00:13:35,577 --> 00:13:40,513
I'll be a welcome addition to my
collection of sacred statuary.
348
00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:48,154
Oh, Carlene,
349
00:13:48,188 --> 00:13:50,222
well, how 'bout you open this one?
350
00:13:50,257 --> 00:13:53,191
In the shirtless fireman gift bag.
351
00:13:53,225 --> 00:13:55,761
No. Oh, it's from Amanda.
352
00:13:55,795 --> 00:13:57,095
(Buzzing)
353
00:13:57,129 --> 00:13:59,397
You know... (Laughs) It's an animated one!
354
00:13:59,432 --> 00:14:00,866
- No, no! Stop!
- Aah!
355
00:14:00,900 --> 00:14:02,468
Aah! (Laughs)
356
00:14:02,502 --> 00:14:04,002
- Can you...
- No, no, Carlene!
357
00:14:04,036 --> 00:14:05,571
Aah!
358
00:14:05,605 --> 00:14:06,705
That's not sacred.
359
00:14:06,739 --> 00:14:08,039
(Buzzing continues) No, come on, girls.
360
00:14:08,074 --> 00:14:09,640
(Amanda) I got it!
361
00:14:09,675 --> 00:14:10,641
Just move!
362
00:14:10,676 --> 00:14:12,844
Oh! That's terrible!
363
00:14:12,878 --> 00:14:15,913
(The Lunabelles)
♪ I jumped in looking to make... ♪
364
00:14:15,948 --> 00:14:17,849
Oh, God, that manual thing.
365
00:14:17,883 --> 00:14:19,316
It gets bigger every year.
366
00:14:19,351 --> 00:14:21,418
The White House doesn't have
this much protocol.
367
00:14:21,453 --> 00:14:24,321
It's not humanly possible
to do all of this stuff.
368
00:14:24,356 --> 00:14:25,622
"Choose the perfect song"
369
00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:27,390
"for the moment the vows are renewed. "
370
00:14:27,424 --> 00:14:29,025
How do I know what the perfect song is?
371
00:14:29,059 --> 00:14:31,194
I'm not inside Carlene's head, God forbid.
372
00:14:31,228 --> 00:14:33,763
- How about "Like A Virgin"?
- Stop it.
373
00:14:33,798 --> 00:14:35,098
"I Want Your Sex"?
374
00:14:35,132 --> 00:14:37,367
This is a big deal, and...
375
00:14:37,401 --> 00:14:41,637
Ugh. To be honest, I'm not sure
I can handle it.
376
00:14:41,671 --> 00:14:43,706
I already destroyed the bridal shower
377
00:14:43,740 --> 00:14:46,075
with a battery-operated
remote-control marital aid
378
00:14:46,110 --> 00:14:48,611
called "Jack the Ripper. "
(Laughs)
379
00:14:48,645 --> 00:14:50,013
Come on, Ladybug.
380
00:14:50,047 --> 00:14:52,215
You are taking this too seriously.
381
00:14:52,249 --> 00:14:54,650
Look, stuff goes wrong
at these things all the time,
382
00:14:54,684 --> 00:14:56,252
especially Carlene's.
383
00:14:56,286 --> 00:14:58,253
- There was one time...
- Mm-hmm.
384
00:14:58,287 --> 00:15:00,855
The horses got spooked by a snake.
385
00:15:00,890 --> 00:15:03,758
Number 13... "The Wild West. "
(Laughs)
386
00:15:03,792 --> 00:15:07,128
And... At their actual wedding,
387
00:15:07,162 --> 00:15:09,931
I got high and lost
their actual marriage license.
388
00:15:09,965 --> 00:15:13,234
(Whispers) - You did?
- Let's just say I used to be a little
389
00:15:13,268 --> 00:15:14,536
more... unreliable.
390
00:15:14,570 --> 00:15:16,404
Now come on. You're in
the homestretch here.
391
00:15:16,438 --> 00:15:18,540
Just push it over the finish line.
392
00:15:18,574 --> 00:15:22,509
You're right. I mean, Sharon did
do most of the heavy lifting.
393
00:15:22,544 --> 00:15:25,946
And all that's left is this
overnight bachelorette.
394
00:15:25,980 --> 00:15:29,049
She said it's like an all-girls vacay.
395
00:15:29,083 --> 00:15:31,084
- How bad can that be?
- Right.
396
00:15:33,922 --> 00:15:35,955
Hey, girls!
397
00:15:35,989 --> 00:15:37,489
- Hi.
- Hey.
398
00:15:37,524 --> 00:15:38,524
(Glasses clink)
399
00:15:40,126 --> 00:15:41,093
I missed something.
400
00:15:41,127 --> 00:15:43,495
I know I did.
401
00:15:43,530 --> 00:15:44,964
No, darling, you're right on time.
402
00:15:44,998 --> 00:15:46,465
Wheels up in five.
403
00:15:46,499 --> 00:15:48,534
Ladies, remember to store
all your firearms
404
00:15:48,569 --> 00:15:50,570
during takeoff and landing.
405
00:15:50,604 --> 00:15:53,104
This is a hunting trip.
406
00:15:53,138 --> 00:15:55,707
Oh, heavens. It looks like
someone didn't read
407
00:15:55,741 --> 00:15:59,377
all the way through
to page 526 in the manual.
408
00:16:00,599 --> 00:16:02,466
Hunting.
409
00:16:02,501 --> 00:16:03,568
Why hunting?
410
00:16:03,602 --> 00:16:05,436
We're gonna shoot us up something tasty,
411
00:16:05,470 --> 00:16:06,904
serve it at the reception.
412
00:16:06,938 --> 00:16:09,773
Plus, hunting's good exercise.
(Bolt clicks open)
413
00:16:09,807 --> 00:16:12,208
Why should the men have all the fun
killing things? (Bolt snaps shut)
414
00:16:12,243 --> 00:16:14,210
Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert
415
00:16:14,245 --> 00:16:16,980
shot all the venison they served
at their wedding themselves.
416
00:16:17,015 --> 00:16:19,049
Carlene wasn't about to be shown up.
417
00:16:19,083 --> 00:16:22,084
Mm. (Grunts)
418
00:16:22,118 --> 00:16:25,287
Cricket, you still got
three gun cases outside.
419
00:16:26,690 --> 00:16:28,558
And I'll go get 'em for you.
420
00:16:28,592 --> 00:16:32,294
Seriously? You're waiting
on Cruella de Vil?
421
00:16:32,328 --> 00:16:35,364
(Sighs) Cricket's slower to warm
back up than the others.
422
00:16:35,398 --> 00:16:37,033
So if it takes kissing
her icy little fanny
423
00:16:37,067 --> 00:16:38,967
for a few days, then so be it.
424
00:16:39,001 --> 00:16:41,235
Besides, it ain't that different from you
425
00:16:41,270 --> 00:16:44,238
being Carlene's slave of honor,
huh... to make Luke happy?
426
00:16:44,273 --> 00:16:45,840
Stones. Glass houses. I get it.
427
00:16:45,875 --> 00:16:47,008
Mm.
428
00:16:47,043 --> 00:16:48,209
(Sighs)
429
00:16:49,311 --> 00:16:50,912
This gun make me look fat?
430
00:16:50,947 --> 00:16:53,948
(Carlene, Sharon, and Cricket laugh)
431
00:16:58,186 --> 00:17:02,489
Oh, granddaddy Bo's hunting vest.
432
00:17:02,523 --> 00:17:05,759
Thank God you can live with only one lung.
433
00:17:05,794 --> 00:17:06,760
Mm. Huh.
434
00:17:06,795 --> 00:17:08,295
What you got there, Sharon?
435
00:17:08,329 --> 00:17:10,597
Oh, this is my field dressing kit.
436
00:17:10,631 --> 00:17:13,700
I can skin a rabbit faster than
any woman in Dallas.
437
00:17:13,734 --> 00:17:15,835
It was my talent in
the Miss North Texas pageant.
438
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:17,203
Wow.
439
00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:18,671
Well, I guess everyone was prepared
440
00:17:18,706 --> 00:17:20,640
for this hunting trip but me, then.
441
00:17:20,674 --> 00:17:22,141
Huh, Sharon?
442
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:23,977
I guess I should have been
more clear about that.
443
00:17:24,011 --> 00:17:25,078
My bad.
444
00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:27,378
It's just that I spent so much time
445
00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:28,714
preparing for this event,
446
00:17:28,748 --> 00:17:31,282
and it was hard to catch you up so quick.
447
00:17:31,317 --> 00:17:34,552
Oops. Looks like there's
a little blood left on this one.
448
00:17:34,587 --> 00:17:36,421
Sharon, just so you know,
449
00:17:36,455 --> 00:17:39,057
I didn't mean to step on your
toes by doing this for Carlene.
450
00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:41,459
It just seemed to matter
to Luke. So no hard feelings?
451
00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:43,327
Oh, no. No hard feelings at all.
452
00:17:43,361 --> 00:17:46,563
And speaking of Luke, you are a saint.
453
00:17:46,598 --> 00:17:48,232
I mean, to take a chance
454
00:17:48,266 --> 00:17:50,635
on a man with that kind of reputation?
455
00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:52,870
(Gasps) It takes a brave woman.
456
00:17:52,904 --> 00:17:54,571
Um, what reputation?
457
00:17:54,606 --> 00:17:55,806
Well, you know...
458
00:17:55,841 --> 00:17:57,807
(Spits)
(Scraping)
459
00:17:57,842 --> 00:18:01,711
He's taken a different date to
Carlene's vow renewal ceremony
460
00:18:01,746 --> 00:18:03,279
16 years straight.
461
00:18:03,313 --> 00:18:05,314
Not a single repeat appearance.
462
00:18:05,349 --> 00:18:06,883
And then he dumps every single one of them
463
00:18:06,917 --> 00:18:08,384
within two weeks of the ceremony.
464
00:18:08,418 --> 00:18:09,686
(Whispers) I mean, the girls around here
465
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:10,820
call that "the curse. "
466
00:18:10,855 --> 00:18:12,956
Of course, Carlene knows this.
467
00:18:12,990 --> 00:18:14,890
Oh, of course. But...
468
00:18:14,924 --> 00:18:16,391
Maybe 17 is your lucky number.
469
00:18:16,425 --> 00:18:17,526
Hmm.
470
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:18,927
Anyway, I shouldn't talk out of school.
471
00:18:18,962 --> 00:18:20,095
I mean, Carlene would kill me
472
00:18:20,130 --> 00:18:21,396
if she knew I was telling you all this.
473
00:18:21,430 --> 00:18:23,766
I bet she would.
474
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:24,833
Howdy, hunting partner.
475
00:18:24,868 --> 00:18:26,902
You ready to bond with bullets?
476
00:18:26,936 --> 00:18:28,070
You bet.
477
00:18:31,439 --> 00:18:33,975
(Sniffs) Oh! What is this?
478
00:18:34,009 --> 00:18:36,443
Urine of a doe in heat.
479
00:18:36,478 --> 00:18:39,714
My gift to Carlene is
the trophy buck of a lifetime.
480
00:18:39,748 --> 00:18:42,183
Poor thing desperately needs
a statement piece of taxidermy
481
00:18:42,217 --> 00:18:43,617
in her dining room.
482
00:18:43,652 --> 00:18:45,986
I never liked huntin'.
Shooting things creeps me out.
483
00:18:46,020 --> 00:18:47,087
Life is overrated.
484
00:18:47,121 --> 00:18:51,058
Spray me with the human scent neutralizer.
485
00:18:51,092 --> 00:18:52,092
(Hiss)
486
00:18:53,460 --> 00:18:55,295
We're gonna head down by the crick,
487
00:18:55,329 --> 00:18:58,165
pick 'em off at their watering hole.
488
00:18:58,199 --> 00:19:00,701
Oh, Amanda. Sweet, pacifist Amanda.
489
00:19:00,735 --> 00:19:02,134
Gun's for quail, not for deer.
490
00:19:02,169 --> 00:19:03,969
Doesn't matter. I'm not
gonna kill anything.
491
00:19:04,004 --> 00:19:05,270
'Course you're not, sugar.
492
00:19:05,305 --> 00:19:07,573
We can't all be mighty hunters
before the lord.
493
00:19:07,607 --> 00:19:10,409
For some odd reason, God made
vegetarians, too.
494
00:19:10,443 --> 00:19:13,212
(Crack) Cut the crap, Carlene.
495
00:19:13,246 --> 00:19:15,681
Shh! I know you're just
being nice to my face
496
00:19:15,716 --> 00:19:17,449
while you get Sharon
to do your dirty work.
497
00:19:17,483 --> 00:19:19,217
- What?
- Just be honest.
498
00:19:19,251 --> 00:19:21,586
I know you put Sharon up to
telling me about Luke
499
00:19:21,620 --> 00:19:23,454
and his harem of dates
to your vow renewals.
500
00:19:23,488 --> 00:19:25,556
It was an obvious scare tactic.
I mean, come on.
501
00:19:25,591 --> 00:19:29,027
"The curse"? You can do better than that.
502
00:19:29,061 --> 00:19:30,995
I didn't do anything.
503
00:19:31,030 --> 00:19:34,431
Oh, you may be fooling Luke
with this whole act,
504
00:19:34,465 --> 00:19:35,498
pretending to accept me,
505
00:19:35,533 --> 00:19:36,900
but you and I both know you don't.
506
00:19:36,935 --> 00:19:37,901
Enough.
507
00:19:37,936 --> 00:19:39,036
I will not stand here
508
00:19:39,070 --> 00:19:41,571
and be accused of sins I did not commit.
509
00:19:44,408 --> 00:19:46,877
I swear on this hunter's Bible
510
00:19:46,911 --> 00:19:49,412
that whatever tawdry tidbits
Sharon fed you
511
00:19:49,447 --> 00:19:50,646
did not come from me.
512
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,882
And if you'd been paying
attention, Amanda,
513
00:19:52,916 --> 00:19:54,117
you'd notice that I've been
514
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:55,484
nothing but kind and forgiving
to you all week.
515
00:19:55,518 --> 00:19:58,287
And to be completely honest,
trying to like you
516
00:19:58,321 --> 00:20:01,924
has been one of the hardest
trials God's ever given me.
517
00:20:01,959 --> 00:20:03,626
Thank you for finally telling the truth.
518
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:04,961
Maybe now, we can stop
playing these silly games,
519
00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:06,361
and I can stop pretending
that I wanna be out here
520
00:20:06,395 --> 00:20:07,796
shooting innocent animals.
521
00:20:07,830 --> 00:20:10,132
And I can stop pretending that
I want you out here with me.
522
00:20:10,166 --> 00:20:11,767
Fine. I'll leave.
523
00:20:16,538 --> 00:20:18,073
Enjoy yourself.
524
00:20:18,107 --> 00:20:20,208
Don't get eaten by a bear.
525
00:20:20,243 --> 00:20:22,176
Leave the gun.
526
00:20:23,444 --> 00:20:24,411
Aah! (Thud)
527
00:20:24,445 --> 00:20:26,213
I've been shot!
528
00:20:26,248 --> 00:20:28,883
(Gasps)
529
00:20:30,928 --> 00:20:32,061
This'll flush out the bucks.
530
00:20:32,096 --> 00:20:33,229
(Antlers clicking) How?
531
00:20:33,264 --> 00:20:35,399
Mimics the sound of them
fighting for a mate.
532
00:20:35,433 --> 00:20:37,834
They're in rut... ready to breed.
533
00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:39,669
Every bad boy in the forest will come out
534
00:20:39,704 --> 00:20:41,405
to check out the action.
535
00:20:41,439 --> 00:20:45,208
Well, I hear a buck named Blake
is also "in rut. "
536
00:20:45,242 --> 00:20:48,977
I'm not interested in discussing
my husband's mating habits.
537
00:20:49,012 --> 00:20:52,281
Come on, Cricket. A baby'd be wonderful.
538
00:20:52,315 --> 00:20:55,618
Then you fire up your uterus and you have one.
(Bolt clicks open)
539
00:20:55,652 --> 00:20:57,420
Mine is closed for business.
(Bolt snaps shut)
540
00:21:00,791 --> 00:21:02,190
Mine might as well be, too.
541
00:21:02,225 --> 00:21:05,693
Andrew was the first good man...
542
00:21:05,728 --> 00:21:07,295
actual father material...
543
00:21:07,329 --> 00:21:09,697
to walk through my woods in a long time,
544
00:21:09,732 --> 00:21:12,400
- and I just chased him out.
- Don't you dare get all weepy on me!
545
00:21:12,435 --> 00:21:15,470
If you have to cry, you put
this deer caller in your mouth.
546
00:21:15,504 --> 00:21:19,673
(Sobs)
(Deer call squawks)
547
00:21:19,707 --> 00:21:22,609
(Sobs)
(Squawks)
548
00:21:22,644 --> 00:21:25,378
Mothering is a risky business proposition.
549
00:21:25,413 --> 00:21:31,084
No knowing if you're cut out
for it until you invest in it.
550
00:21:31,118 --> 00:21:33,119
Profit margins are slim.
551
00:21:33,154 --> 00:21:36,989
- Cricket, you're a great mama.
- Mm.
552
00:21:37,023 --> 00:21:40,426
Alexandra's a shining example
of Dallas womanhood.
553
00:21:40,461 --> 00:21:42,061
Thanks to her daddy.
554
00:21:42,095 --> 00:21:45,731
You're strong and inspiring,
and your daughter idolizes you.
555
00:21:45,766 --> 00:21:48,100
We have a mutual respect.
556
00:21:48,134 --> 00:21:50,202
But we are far from close.
557
00:21:51,671 --> 00:21:53,872
And I don't know how to fix it.
558
00:21:56,509 --> 00:21:57,776
(Voice breaking) And I don't wanna make
559
00:21:57,810 --> 00:22:00,378
- the same mistake again.
- You haven't made mistakes.
560
00:22:00,412 --> 00:22:04,415
Blake fills in the gaps for you,
and you for him.
561
00:22:04,450 --> 00:22:07,351
It's what makes y'all such a great team.
562
00:22:07,385 --> 00:22:11,489
I'd give anything to have that.
563
00:22:11,523 --> 00:22:13,256
(Rustling)
564
00:22:13,291 --> 00:22:14,324
Oh.
565
00:22:15,827 --> 00:22:17,561
(Whispers) Oh. Here we go.
566
00:22:36,547 --> 00:22:38,414
Don't tell me you're not maternal.
567
00:22:38,448 --> 00:22:40,249
Shut up. (Laughs)
(Laughs)
568
00:22:40,283 --> 00:22:42,018
(Static crackles) (Amanda)
Ladies, get back to the plane A.S.A.P.
569
00:22:42,052 --> 00:22:43,319
There's been a little accident.
570
00:22:44,621 --> 00:22:46,288
(Man exhales sharply) Gotcha.
571
00:22:46,323 --> 00:22:48,324
Ohh.
572
00:22:48,358 --> 00:22:51,527
- Can we save it?
- Just removing some damaged skin.
573
00:22:51,561 --> 00:22:53,229
No nerve or arterial damage.
574
00:22:53,263 --> 00:22:55,997
You sure? It's a very important body part.
575
00:22:56,032 --> 00:22:58,733
Will I ever walk again,
Dr. Chin? Just tell me.
576
00:22:58,767 --> 00:23:00,335
Can you clinch the buttock?
577
00:23:00,369 --> 00:23:03,004
I... I...
578
00:23:03,039 --> 00:23:04,172
Yeah.
579
00:23:04,206 --> 00:23:06,174
- Hallelujah. God is great.
(Carlene) - Ohh.
580
00:23:06,208 --> 00:23:07,808
Just a light bandage and we're done.
581
00:23:07,843 --> 00:23:11,512
The pain... it's like the fires
of Satan are licking my behind!
582
00:23:11,546 --> 00:23:13,380
If job had taken two of these,
583
00:23:13,415 --> 00:23:15,416
he wouldn't have suffered.
584
00:23:15,450 --> 00:23:18,585
Thanks for making a house call, doc.
585
00:23:18,619 --> 00:23:20,187
Anything for Mrs. Cockburn.
586
00:23:20,221 --> 00:23:22,523
That nose is my crowning glory.
587
00:23:22,557 --> 00:23:24,791
You did a lovely job
588
00:23:24,825 --> 00:23:27,360
after the... tennis accident destroyed it.
589
00:23:31,731 --> 00:23:34,500
You almost destroyed her life, Amanda.
590
00:23:34,535 --> 00:23:35,634
Carlene may never be able
591
00:23:35,669 --> 00:23:37,002
to wear her pink chanel romper again.
592
00:23:37,037 --> 00:23:39,338
You can't comprehend how awful I feel.
593
00:23:39,373 --> 00:23:42,408
Okay, with all due concern,
it looked like a minor scrape.
594
00:23:42,443 --> 00:23:43,408
Really.
595
00:23:43,443 --> 00:23:45,743
Really, Heather?
596
00:23:45,778 --> 00:23:47,879
I didn't know you could major in
medicine at real estate school.
597
00:23:47,913 --> 00:23:49,247
She was shot in cold blood!
598
00:23:49,282 --> 00:23:51,783
(Luke) Okay, let's just turn
this stew down to a simmer.
599
00:23:51,817 --> 00:23:53,651
Okay, now explain to me one more
time how this all happened.
600
00:23:53,686 --> 00:23:55,420
It was an accident. (Scoffs)
601
00:23:55,455 --> 00:23:58,290
- I just set the gun down...
- Accident, my patootie!
602
00:23:58,324 --> 00:24:00,591
She was yelling and screaming, and bam!
Whoa.
603
00:24:00,625 --> 00:24:02,359
- Oh!
- That true?
604
00:24:02,394 --> 00:24:04,861
Okay, sure. Voices were raised,
605
00:24:04,896 --> 00:24:05,862
a gun went off.
606
00:24:05,897 --> 00:24:07,465
But it was not premeditated.
607
00:24:07,499 --> 00:24:09,766
I mean, things like this
happen all the time!
608
00:24:09,801 --> 00:24:10,968
Do they?
609
00:24:11,002 --> 00:24:12,636
- No, they don't.
- They most certainly do not.
610
00:24:12,670 --> 00:24:14,905
I think we should all look
on the bright side here.
611
00:24:14,939 --> 00:24:16,906
No one was seriously hurt.
612
00:24:16,940 --> 00:24:18,808
- Amen.
- Amen.
613
00:24:18,842 --> 00:24:22,044
I do offer up thanks that
my right buttock remains intact.
614
00:24:22,079 --> 00:24:24,647
- But my special week has been destroyed.
- Come on, Carlene,
615
00:24:24,681 --> 00:24:26,416
it's not the worst thing
that's ever happened
616
00:24:26,450 --> 00:24:27,584
during one of these vow renewals, is it?
617
00:24:27,618 --> 00:24:31,320
Remember the wild west
horse stampede? (Laughs)
618
00:24:31,354 --> 00:24:33,989
Or how 'bout this one
losing the marriage license?
619
00:24:34,023 --> 00:24:36,891
That was way worse! Right?
620
00:24:36,926 --> 00:24:39,228
The marriage license?
621
00:24:39,262 --> 00:24:42,063
The one you were in charge of
filing... you lost it?
622
00:24:42,098 --> 00:24:44,566
No, the whole thing is
kind of hazy, actually.
623
00:24:44,601 --> 00:24:45,834
But you found it, right?
624
00:24:45,868 --> 00:24:46,835
No.
625
00:24:46,869 --> 00:24:47,835
(Sharon gasps)
626
00:24:47,869 --> 00:24:48,836
That part is clear.
627
00:24:48,870 --> 00:24:49,970
(Crutches clatter)
628
00:24:50,005 --> 00:24:52,039
You mean, our original marriage license...
629
00:24:52,073 --> 00:24:55,143
the binding contract that
defines and defends marriage...
630
00:24:55,177 --> 00:24:57,411
(Voice breaks) You lost it?
631
00:24:57,446 --> 00:25:00,948
So Ripp and I aren't really m... (Panting)
632
00:25:00,982 --> 00:25:03,050
We're not really married?
633
00:25:03,084 --> 00:25:05,752
Is that what you're... how...
634
00:25:05,786 --> 00:25:06,753
(Thud)
635
00:25:06,787 --> 00:25:09,289
Aah! Carlene! 9-1-1!
636
00:25:11,774 --> 00:25:13,507
Did Carlene kick you out?
637
00:25:15,111 --> 00:25:19,146
No, this is the only place
to catch some shut-eye.
638
00:25:19,180 --> 00:25:20,580
If you wanna see the wailing wall,
639
00:25:20,615 --> 00:25:22,783
don't go to Jerusalem.
(Carlene wailing in distance)
640
00:25:22,817 --> 00:25:24,517
Just head on upstairs to the master suite.
641
00:25:24,552 --> 00:25:26,886
Well, I brought you one of
Lupe's breakfast burritos.
642
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:29,856
I'm so sorry. I thought you losing
643
00:25:29,890 --> 00:25:32,825
Carlene and Ripp's marriage
license wasn't so serious.
644
00:25:32,860 --> 00:25:35,194
I should have warned you it was a secret.
645
00:25:35,229 --> 00:25:38,264
This, kids, is why you don't
smoke weed at a wedding.
646
00:25:38,298 --> 00:25:40,932
(Laughs) It destroys lives.
647
00:25:40,967 --> 00:25:44,870
Just say "no. " (Carlene wails)
648
00:25:44,904 --> 00:25:48,706
Damn, these vow renewals are cursed.
649
00:25:48,741 --> 00:25:52,043
That's an interesting choice of words.
650
00:25:52,078 --> 00:25:53,145
How do you mean?
651
00:25:53,179 --> 00:25:55,981
Sharon told me about your curse...
652
00:25:56,015 --> 00:25:59,116
16 dates in 16 ceremonies?
653
00:25:59,151 --> 00:26:01,752
Well, technically, it was 19.
654
00:26:01,787 --> 00:26:03,487
Three bailed en route to Dallas
655
00:26:03,521 --> 00:26:05,355
and I found replacements
in the airport bar.
656
00:26:05,390 --> 00:26:06,757
Really?
657
00:26:06,792 --> 00:26:07,925
Wow.
658
00:26:07,959 --> 00:26:10,527
- What?
- I'm surprised.
659
00:26:10,561 --> 00:26:13,963
I just... I had no idea
you were the kind of guy
660
00:26:13,998 --> 00:26:16,632
who picks up girls in airport bars.
661
00:26:16,667 --> 00:26:20,403
Not anymore. I'm feeling really
good about my twentieth.
662
00:26:20,437 --> 00:26:22,272
She seems like a keeper.
663
00:26:24,574 --> 00:26:27,643
What? So I dated around a little.
664
00:26:27,678 --> 00:26:30,913
I mean, I'm not that guy anymore.
665
00:26:30,947 --> 00:26:32,447
You don't believe me?
666
00:26:32,481 --> 00:26:34,449
I don't know.
667
00:26:34,483 --> 00:26:37,019
It... it just seems like
668
00:26:37,053 --> 00:26:39,822
it's a pretty big change
to make in a year.
669
00:26:39,856 --> 00:26:42,390
I'm back dating after 18 years.
670
00:26:42,425 --> 00:26:45,259
And this... we are happening fast,
671
00:26:45,294 --> 00:26:49,230
and I just don't wanna
get hurt by a player.
672
00:26:49,264 --> 00:26:51,799
So now... now I'm a player?
673
00:26:51,834 --> 00:26:54,335
You know what?
674
00:26:54,369 --> 00:26:56,838
A lot of people told me
who you used to be,
675
00:26:56,872 --> 00:26:59,573
but I didn't listen because
you told me you'd changed,
676
00:26:59,607 --> 00:27:00,907
and your word was enough.
677
00:27:00,942 --> 00:27:02,642
I guess you can't extend me
the same courtesy.
678
00:27:02,676 --> 00:27:04,644
- No, no... that's not... Luke...
- No, if... if you don't mind,
679
00:27:04,678 --> 00:27:08,481
I'm gonna try and make this up
to my sister. Thank you.
680
00:27:12,386 --> 00:27:13,386
I'm...
681
00:27:15,556 --> 00:27:18,523
A marriage license is just
a piece of paper.
682
00:27:18,558 --> 00:27:21,360
It doesn't mean we're not still
married in the eyes of the lord.
683
00:27:21,394 --> 00:27:22,928
There must be some way we can prove it.
684
00:27:22,963 --> 00:27:24,663
I have a call in to judge Salderbrook.
685
00:27:24,697 --> 00:27:26,198
We'll get it squared.
686
00:27:26,233 --> 00:27:27,366
(Knock on door)
687
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:28,767
Oh, good.
688
00:27:28,801 --> 00:27:30,369
You give it a shot, eh?
689
00:27:30,403 --> 00:27:32,304
(Whimpers)
690
00:27:36,575 --> 00:27:37,808
How you doing, Buttercup?
691
00:27:37,843 --> 00:27:40,311
I brought you some treats.
692
00:27:40,346 --> 00:27:42,546
Take it back to the kitchen.
I won't eat a bite.
693
00:27:42,581 --> 00:27:44,548
I'm very stoned.
694
00:27:44,583 --> 00:27:48,552
I'm gonna get still stoned-er
before the end of the day.
695
00:27:48,587 --> 00:27:50,287
Carlene Cockburn,
696
00:27:50,321 --> 00:27:52,923
I have no intention
of letting you slide down
697
00:27:52,957 --> 00:27:54,191
the slippery slope to addiction.
698
00:27:54,225 --> 00:27:55,825
My life is over.
699
00:27:55,860 --> 00:27:57,794
Nothing will ever happen to me anymore.
700
00:27:57,828 --> 00:27:58,795
Oh.
701
00:27:58,829 --> 00:28:01,498
And to think... all this started
702
00:28:01,532 --> 00:28:03,833
when you made Amanda Vaughn
your matron of honor.
703
00:28:03,868 --> 00:28:07,870
Amanda. She's a pale-faced,
mealy-mouthed ninny.
704
00:28:07,905 --> 00:28:09,438
- And I hate her.
- With good reason!
705
00:28:09,472 --> 00:28:11,974
(Groans) Your marriage was Tara,
706
00:28:12,009 --> 00:28:14,476
and she plundered it! But don't you worry.
707
00:28:14,511 --> 00:28:16,279
'Cause now that I've taken back
708
00:28:16,313 --> 00:28:18,847
the matron-of-honor
Melanie Wilkes parasol,
709
00:28:18,882 --> 00:28:22,050
your ceremony is gonna be
made in the shade.
710
00:28:22,084 --> 00:28:24,152
- Seriously, Sharon?
- Mm.
711
00:28:24,186 --> 00:28:26,521
How can you talk about parasols
at a time like this?
712
00:28:26,555 --> 00:28:29,424
There is no ceremony.
There's nothing to renew.
713
00:28:29,458 --> 00:28:30,558
You following?
714
00:28:30,592 --> 00:28:34,562
No one cares about
the stupid matron of honor.
715
00:28:34,596 --> 00:28:36,664
Except stupid old me.
716
00:28:36,698 --> 00:28:38,432
Tell me, Carlene,
717
00:28:38,466 --> 00:28:40,634
(voice breaking) Is it stupid,
then, to want nothing more
718
00:28:40,668 --> 00:28:43,703
than to do a good job for you?
719
00:28:43,738 --> 00:28:47,007
Well, I'm done being stupid... For good.
720
00:28:47,042 --> 00:28:50,377
(Gasps) Wait! Sharon!
721
00:28:50,412 --> 00:28:51,778
Leave me a toffee bar?
722
00:28:51,813 --> 00:28:53,413
- Hell no!
- Please, Sharon!
723
00:28:53,447 --> 00:28:55,614
(Weakly) Don't go.
724
00:28:55,649 --> 00:28:57,417
Now darling, you are not the first person
725
00:28:57,451 --> 00:28:59,552
to think about shooting Carlene Cockburn.
726
00:28:59,586 --> 00:29:01,287
You're just the first person to do it.
727
00:29:01,322 --> 00:29:02,755
Mama, I'm not in the mood today.
728
00:29:02,789 --> 00:29:04,490
Am I to believe all this sulking
729
00:29:04,524 --> 00:29:07,126
is over the loss of that friendship,
730
00:29:07,161 --> 00:29:09,227
or is there something else going on here?
731
00:29:09,262 --> 00:29:10,562
Luke and I had a fight.
732
00:29:10,596 --> 00:29:12,397
Well, that's perfectly normal
for a new couple.
733
00:29:12,432 --> 00:29:14,566
Just make sure you settle it
the Dallas way...
734
00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:17,135
he begs for forgiveness, you get jewelry.
735
00:29:17,170 --> 00:29:20,572
I like it. Too bad all the blame's on me.
736
00:29:20,606 --> 00:29:23,141
I got scared. I said
some real judgy things.
737
00:29:23,176 --> 00:29:24,909
Man, did I step in it.
738
00:29:24,944 --> 00:29:27,611
Well, just wipe your shoes off
and walk right back to him.
739
00:29:27,645 --> 00:29:29,546
- He's gone.
- Oh, please.
740
00:29:29,581 --> 00:29:31,315
You're too fantastic to leave for long.
741
00:29:31,350 --> 00:29:33,584
Meantime, wouldn't it be nice
742
00:29:33,618 --> 00:29:36,487
to show him how good you are at
being sorry with someone else...
743
00:29:36,521 --> 00:29:38,389
say, like, his sister?
744
00:29:38,423 --> 00:29:40,757
What? Carlene?
745
00:29:40,792 --> 00:29:43,426
No. Never.
746
00:29:43,461 --> 00:29:45,795
Fine. You best pull those covers up, then.
747
00:29:45,829 --> 00:29:49,299
'Cause you're looking at
some long, cold, lonely nights.
748
00:29:49,333 --> 00:29:50,633
(Sighs)
749
00:29:50,667 --> 00:29:54,004
Fine. I will try again with her.
750
00:29:54,038 --> 00:29:55,905
For Luke.
751
00:29:55,939 --> 00:29:59,008
How do you apologize for shooting someone?
752
00:29:59,042 --> 00:30:00,942
That is an etiquette conundrum
753
00:30:00,977 --> 00:30:03,845
that you will not find in Emily Post.
754
00:30:03,880 --> 00:30:07,449
You know, I have Dick Cheney's
number someplace.
755
00:30:07,484 --> 00:30:09,184
Hmm.
756
00:30:09,219 --> 00:30:13,254
Blake, the world as we know it
may be over.
757
00:30:13,288 --> 00:30:16,124
Carlene's marriage might not be legal.
758
00:30:16,158 --> 00:30:18,092
(Both laugh)
759
00:30:18,127 --> 00:30:19,227
How's she taking it?
760
00:30:19,261 --> 00:30:20,628
Oh, like Scarlett after Rhett bailed.
761
00:30:20,662 --> 00:30:21,795
Poor wretched thing.
762
00:30:21,830 --> 00:30:24,065
There's nothing worse than facing a future
763
00:30:24,099 --> 00:30:25,299
that isn't what you thought it would be.
764
00:30:25,334 --> 00:30:27,701
Something on your mind? (Zips)
765
00:30:27,736 --> 00:30:29,236
Babies.
766
00:30:30,704 --> 00:30:33,106
Cricket...
767
00:30:33,141 --> 00:30:35,708
Listen, I'm not gonna go there again.
(Sighs)
768
00:30:35,743 --> 00:30:37,544
I respect your choice,
769
00:30:37,578 --> 00:30:40,013
and I'm fine.
770
00:30:40,048 --> 00:30:44,384
As you know, I'm keenly aware
of my lack of maternal instinct.
771
00:30:44,419 --> 00:30:47,786
But that is not why I rejected
your proposition on the plane.
772
00:30:47,820 --> 00:30:49,888
I had an epiphany, Blake.
773
00:30:49,923 --> 00:30:52,058
Sad, barren Heather showed me the light
774
00:30:52,092 --> 00:30:55,694
just before I was about
to take down a deer.
775
00:30:55,728 --> 00:30:59,565
I am not afraid to have children with you.
776
00:31:02,134 --> 00:31:04,169
I'm afraid to have children without you.
777
00:31:05,938 --> 00:31:07,405
What are you talking about?
778
00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:09,374
There are times I wonder if you realize
779
00:31:09,408 --> 00:31:15,380
what adding another life
to ours would mean...
780
00:31:15,414 --> 00:31:17,881
18 more years of commitment,
781
00:31:17,915 --> 00:31:20,750
here...
782
00:31:20,785 --> 00:31:23,253
Together.
783
00:31:23,288 --> 00:31:25,422
Of course.
784
00:31:25,457 --> 00:31:26,890
I get it.
785
00:31:26,924 --> 00:31:28,559
And I will not do to another human being
786
00:31:28,593 --> 00:31:32,696
what my parents did to me.
Splitting up is not an option.
787
00:31:32,730 --> 00:31:34,330
I'd sooner put a bullet
between those antlers
788
00:31:34,364 --> 00:31:35,498
than put a child through that.
789
00:31:35,532 --> 00:31:38,601
Cricket, I am always committed to you
790
00:31:38,635 --> 00:31:40,669
and to this family,
791
00:31:40,704 --> 00:31:44,307
and nothing will change that.
792
00:31:47,411 --> 00:31:48,511
(Whispers) Let's have a baby.
793
00:31:48,545 --> 00:31:49,811
(Gasps)
794
00:31:51,514 --> 00:31:55,317
You are my trophy buck of a lifetime.
795
00:31:55,351 --> 00:31:56,351
You know that?
796
00:31:58,488 --> 00:32:01,256
(Laughs)
797
00:32:06,861 --> 00:32:08,662
(Knock on door)
798
00:32:08,696 --> 00:32:10,598
Who is it?
799
00:32:15,237 --> 00:32:16,237
What are those?
800
00:32:16,271 --> 00:32:17,538
Apology hydrangeas?
801
00:32:17,572 --> 00:32:19,473
(Scoffs)
802
00:32:19,508 --> 00:32:21,807
My mother thought they'd be
appropriate for some reason.
803
00:32:21,842 --> 00:32:23,743
Cheney was no help.
804
00:32:23,777 --> 00:32:26,412
Look, I-I just came to say I'm sorry
805
00:32:26,447 --> 00:32:28,914
for exposing the whole
marriage license thing,
806
00:32:28,949 --> 00:32:31,284
and not believing that you were
really being nice to me...
807
00:32:33,354 --> 00:32:34,487
And shooting you.
808
00:32:34,522 --> 00:32:35,488
You should be...
809
00:32:35,523 --> 00:32:36,889
(Strained voice) Sorry.
810
00:32:36,923 --> 00:32:38,357
Carlene, I am.
811
00:32:38,391 --> 00:32:40,392
You were turning the other cheek,
812
00:32:40,426 --> 00:32:41,993
and I was being pigheaded,
813
00:32:42,028 --> 00:32:44,329
but I never meant to ruin
your vow renewal.
814
00:32:44,364 --> 00:32:46,798
And yet, you succeeded.
815
00:32:46,832 --> 00:32:49,034
Do you have any idea what it's like
816
00:32:49,068 --> 00:32:52,771
knowing that
your entire marriage is a lie?
817
00:32:52,805 --> 00:32:55,173
Actually, yeah. I do.
818
00:32:55,207 --> 00:32:57,642
I might as well have shacked up with Ripp
819
00:32:57,676 --> 00:33:00,110
17 years ago like a common whore.
820
00:33:00,145 --> 00:33:02,580
Carmelita. Carmelita! I need you!
821
00:33:02,614 --> 00:33:03,781
Yes, Ms. Carlene?
822
00:33:03,815 --> 00:33:05,816
Take this trash away.
823
00:33:05,850 --> 00:33:09,452
Okay, I'm going. You don't
have to have me removed.
824
00:33:09,487 --> 00:33:11,954
Not you, Amanda, these things.
825
00:33:11,989 --> 00:33:14,391
I- I can't stand the sight of them anymore.
826
00:33:14,425 --> 00:33:15,492
Just destroy 'em.
827
00:33:15,526 --> 00:33:17,360
Carlene, it's your wedding dress.
828
00:33:17,395 --> 00:33:18,961
You can't get rid of that.
829
00:33:18,996 --> 00:33:21,198
Use it as rags.
830
00:33:21,232 --> 00:33:24,301
Oh, the top tier of my wedding cake.
831
00:33:24,335 --> 00:33:26,535
Ripp and I were gonna
feed it to each other...
832
00:33:26,570 --> 00:33:29,806
Naked... on our 20th anniversary.
833
00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:32,141
Feed it to the poor. Go!
834
00:33:32,176 --> 00:33:35,178
(Breathing heavily)
835
00:33:36,914 --> 00:33:38,681
Carmelita? Carmelita?
836
00:33:38,716 --> 00:33:40,482
Carmelita, stop. Hi.
837
00:33:40,517 --> 00:33:42,751
I know Carlene told you
to get rid of all these things.
838
00:33:42,785 --> 00:33:44,086
But what if she changes her mind?
839
00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:45,386
You know how unstable she can be.
840
00:33:45,421 --> 00:33:47,422
Okay, you know what?
841
00:33:47,456 --> 00:33:50,258
Maybe I'll just hold on to these
842
00:33:50,292 --> 00:33:53,762
until she's feeling better, okay? Okay.
843
00:33:53,796 --> 00:33:54,763
Okay.
844
00:33:54,797 --> 00:33:56,497
Except for this wedding cake.
845
00:33:56,532 --> 00:33:59,433
After 17 years, it just...
it just... whoa! Aah!
846
00:33:59,467 --> 00:34:00,467
Aah!
847
00:34:02,971 --> 00:34:04,138
Ugh.
848
00:34:16,951 --> 00:34:18,118
(Inhales deeply)
849
00:34:18,152 --> 00:34:21,221
Holy matrimony.
850
00:34:25,306 --> 00:34:26,273
Hello.
851
00:34:26,307 --> 00:34:28,842
Um, I have a document emergency.
852
00:34:28,877 --> 00:34:29,944
Don't bother.
853
00:34:29,978 --> 00:34:31,912
I've pleaded my case for three hours.
854
00:34:31,947 --> 00:34:33,880
I've gotten nowhere.
855
00:34:33,914 --> 00:34:36,183
Okay. I got it. I got it.
856
00:34:36,217 --> 00:34:38,585
Well, I guess we finally found something
857
00:34:38,619 --> 00:34:40,720
you're not so amazing at, huh?
858
00:34:40,754 --> 00:34:43,390
Lucky for you, I found this.
859
00:34:43,424 --> 00:34:46,826
It was in Carlene's freezer
for the last 17 years
860
00:34:46,860 --> 00:34:48,795
in an empty box that was supposed to have
861
00:34:48,829 --> 00:34:50,028
the top tier of her wedding cake.
862
00:34:50,063 --> 00:34:53,365
I am guessing the stoner who lost it
863
00:34:53,400 --> 00:34:55,000
got a case of the munchies.
864
00:34:55,034 --> 00:34:58,704
(Sniffs) Man, buttercream
is like heaven when you're high.
865
00:34:58,738 --> 00:35:00,906
Okay, you found it.
866
00:35:00,940 --> 00:35:03,242
Good luck getting that guy to help you.
867
00:35:07,079 --> 00:35:09,080
You're not a woman.
868
00:35:16,355 --> 00:35:18,289
Hello, sir.
869
00:35:18,324 --> 00:35:21,925
Um, I need a teeny, tiny favor.
870
00:35:21,959 --> 00:35:25,061
See, there was a terrible
miscarriage of justice
871
00:35:25,096 --> 00:35:28,732
17 years ago, and only you
can make things right.
872
00:35:28,766 --> 00:35:32,603
I need you to file
this marriage license...
873
00:35:32,637 --> 00:35:34,471
Retroactively.
874
00:35:34,506 --> 00:35:36,173
I see you're still expecting everyone
875
00:35:36,207 --> 00:35:38,141
to make exceptions for you...
876
00:35:38,175 --> 00:35:40,075
Amanda.
877
00:35:40,110 --> 00:35:42,945
You don't remember me, do you?
878
00:35:42,979 --> 00:35:46,282
Of course I do...
879
00:35:46,316 --> 00:35:49,485
Angus. Angus Horvath...
880
00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:52,087
From Hillside High.
881
00:35:52,122 --> 00:35:54,422
We had some times, right?
882
00:35:54,457 --> 00:35:55,823
We sure did.
883
00:35:55,858 --> 00:35:57,925
Remember that time you asked me
to go skinny dipping?
884
00:35:57,960 --> 00:36:01,229
Oh, yeah. That was... fun?
885
00:36:01,264 --> 00:36:02,964
For you, maybe.
886
00:36:02,998 --> 00:36:04,599
While I was naked in the pool,
887
00:36:04,634 --> 00:36:07,235
you bolted and had
your big, jock boyfriend Bill
888
00:36:07,270 --> 00:36:10,471
steal my clothes to humiliate me
for no reason.
889
00:36:10,505 --> 00:36:13,407
He's dead now, right?
890
00:36:13,441 --> 00:36:14,608
I'm sorry, Angus.
891
00:36:14,643 --> 00:36:16,644
I was a terrible person in high school.
892
00:36:16,678 --> 00:36:19,680
I was mean to you. I was mean to everyone.
893
00:36:19,714 --> 00:36:21,415
But now I'm trying to make things right.
894
00:36:21,449 --> 00:36:25,685
You can help me if you just
turn the other cheek.
895
00:36:25,719 --> 00:36:27,153
Please.
896
00:36:27,188 --> 00:36:28,954
I'll do anything.
897
00:36:28,989 --> 00:36:31,457
All right.
898
00:36:31,492 --> 00:36:33,826
Show me your ta-tas.
899
00:36:35,329 --> 00:36:36,496
Wh... what?
900
00:36:36,530 --> 00:36:38,030
Your boobies.
901
00:36:38,065 --> 00:36:39,299
Never got to see 'em in the pool.
902
00:36:39,333 --> 00:36:40,800
Okay, now... now wait a minute. It's...
903
00:36:40,834 --> 00:36:41,966
(slaps chest)
904
00:36:42,001 --> 00:36:43,635
This is for Carlene.
905
00:36:47,139 --> 00:36:48,307
(Whispers) Oh.
906
00:36:51,143 --> 00:36:52,844
That was so worth it.
907
00:36:52,878 --> 00:36:55,314
Now about that marriage license...
908
00:36:55,348 --> 00:36:59,317
Call your sister.
Tell her the wedding's back on.
909
00:37:00,485 --> 00:37:01,619
(Sighs deeply)
910
00:37:01,653 --> 00:37:02,687
This is ridiculous.
911
00:37:02,721 --> 00:37:04,822
Grown women do not wear bows.
912
00:37:04,856 --> 00:37:06,424
They do when it's my blessed day.
913
00:37:08,594 --> 00:37:10,828
Uh, look who made it.
914
00:37:10,862 --> 00:37:13,296
Heather, focus. These lips
do not plump themselves.
915
00:37:13,331 --> 00:37:15,965
Back off, Carlene.
Heather's done her penance.
916
00:37:15,999 --> 00:37:19,802
Besides, your pout is perfect.
917
00:37:22,340 --> 00:37:23,340
Thank you.
918
00:37:23,374 --> 00:37:25,242
Don't mention it.
919
00:37:25,276 --> 00:37:26,243
Ever.
920
00:37:26,277 --> 00:37:30,279
I am only here to drop off
921
00:37:30,313 --> 00:37:33,382
my organic homemade birdseed sachets.
922
00:37:33,416 --> 00:37:34,883
(Loud thud)
923
00:37:34,917 --> 00:37:36,385
Wait, Sharon, don't go.
924
00:37:36,419 --> 00:37:38,387
I... I owe you an apology.
925
00:37:38,421 --> 00:37:41,156
Oh, really? Well, let's hear it, then.
926
00:37:41,190 --> 00:37:42,291
Come. Come.
927
00:37:46,362 --> 00:37:48,730
I'm sorry that I took your parasol away
928
00:37:48,764 --> 00:37:50,931
and gave it to Amanda.
929
00:37:50,966 --> 00:37:53,033
I guess I didn't realize
what it meant to you.
930
00:37:53,068 --> 00:37:55,136
And that is what stings.
931
00:37:55,170 --> 00:37:57,272
(Voice breaking)
We have been best friends forever,
932
00:37:57,306 --> 00:37:59,707
and to have you pass me up year after year
933
00:37:59,742 --> 00:38:01,875
as your matron of honor...
934
00:38:01,909 --> 00:38:05,145
Starts to make a girl feel
like she's not good enough.
935
00:38:05,179 --> 00:38:06,747
Are you kidding me?
936
00:38:06,781 --> 00:38:09,349
Back in high school, when you
were voted most beautiful,
937
00:38:09,384 --> 00:38:12,686
you were the girl I wanted to be.
938
00:38:12,720 --> 00:38:14,220
Heck, I...
939
00:38:14,255 --> 00:38:16,423
(Whispers) I went blonde because of you.
940
00:38:16,457 --> 00:38:18,023
(Whispers) You did not.
941
00:38:18,057 --> 00:38:19,892
I did so.
942
00:38:19,926 --> 00:38:22,495
And if I'm being honest,
943
00:38:22,529 --> 00:38:26,799
I've always been a little scared
to share the stage with you.
944
00:38:26,833 --> 00:38:31,937
I may sparkle, honey, but you shine.
945
00:38:32,459 --> 00:38:34,121
And I would love...
946
00:38:34,121 --> 00:38:36,429
for you to be
my matron of honor,
947
00:38:36,429 --> 00:38:38,310
if you're still up for it.
948
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:43,515
I may still have
949
00:38:43,549 --> 00:38:46,751
my Melanie Wilkes hoopskirt in the car.
950
00:38:46,786 --> 00:38:49,953
Well, fiddle-dee-dee. (Laughs)
951
00:38:49,987 --> 00:38:53,757
(Air kisses)
952
00:38:53,792 --> 00:38:56,927
- I love you so much. You're so pretty.
(Squeals) - You're so pretty.
953
00:38:56,961 --> 00:38:59,963
(Organ music playing)
954
00:39:10,006 --> 00:39:11,907
Oh. Sorry.
955
00:39:11,942 --> 00:39:13,710
Paperwork took forever.
956
00:39:13,744 --> 00:39:15,345
Well, I guess I owe you
a thank-you for saving the day,
957
00:39:15,379 --> 00:39:17,213
and my marriage,
958
00:39:17,247 --> 00:39:20,049
even if it was sort of
your fault in the first place.
959
00:39:20,083 --> 00:39:21,583
Don't thank me.
960
00:39:21,617 --> 00:39:23,985
Amanda's the one who showed her
breasts to a vindictive troll
961
00:39:24,019 --> 00:39:24,986
on your behalf.
962
00:39:25,020 --> 00:39:26,488
That's surely a sin.
963
00:39:26,522 --> 00:39:29,157
At least you're using
your boobies for good
964
00:39:29,191 --> 00:39:31,259
and not for evil... This time.
965
00:39:31,293 --> 00:39:33,094
Yeah.
966
00:39:33,128 --> 00:39:34,996
Thank you.
967
00:39:35,030 --> 00:39:37,332
You're welcome, Carlene.
968
00:39:37,366 --> 00:39:39,567
I know it doesn't make up for everything.
969
00:39:39,601 --> 00:39:43,337
Well, I guess we both have
some making up to do.
970
00:39:43,372 --> 00:39:46,774
But first, I have some vows to exchange.
971
00:39:46,808 --> 00:39:48,676
(Laughs) Ready to start, ladies?
972
00:39:48,710 --> 00:39:50,310
We're good to go, sugar!
973
00:39:50,345 --> 00:39:52,513
(Singsongy) - She's not the only one.
- Mm.
974
00:39:52,547 --> 00:39:54,447
Ah! (Giggles)
975
00:39:54,482 --> 00:39:56,750
Oh, heavens, no. Don't be silly.
976
00:39:56,784 --> 00:39:58,485
You're wearing jeans.
977
00:39:58,519 --> 00:40:00,119
So? It's just a vow renewal.
978
00:40:00,153 --> 00:40:01,153
You'll ruin the whole theme.
979
00:40:02,656 --> 00:40:05,324
Y'all can watch from here, though.
980
00:40:05,359 --> 00:40:06,493
Can you step back?
981
00:40:06,527 --> 00:40:07,527
Yeah, okay.
982
00:40:09,196 --> 00:40:10,796
(Carlene and Sharon giggle)
983
00:40:10,830 --> 00:40:12,598
("Tara's theme" from
"Gone With The Wind" playing)
984
00:40:12,632 --> 00:40:13,999
(Carlene) Okay. All right.
985
00:40:14,033 --> 00:40:16,301
(Laughs)
986
00:40:22,809 --> 00:40:25,843
Oh, hey! (Chuckles)
987
00:40:31,182 --> 00:40:34,184
♪
988
00:40:37,188 --> 00:40:39,256
(Grunts)
989
00:41:07,283 --> 00:41:08,451
Dearly beloved,
990
00:41:08,485 --> 00:41:10,453
we have assembled here
in the presence of God
991
00:41:10,487 --> 00:41:12,621
to evoke the blessing
of our heavenly father
992
00:41:12,656 --> 00:41:14,088
upon your marriage.
993
00:41:14,122 --> 00:41:18,259
Okay, so you used to be a player,
994
00:41:18,293 --> 00:41:21,596
and I used to be a bitch.
995
00:41:21,630 --> 00:41:24,899
Maybe we could look beyond
who we used to be
996
00:41:24,934 --> 00:41:27,836
and just focus on who we are now.
997
00:41:27,870 --> 00:41:32,005
Know why I call you "Ladybug?"
998
00:41:32,039 --> 00:41:36,076
'Cause they eat other bugs for lunch.
999
00:41:36,110 --> 00:41:38,211
I know who you are, Amanda Vaughn,
1000
00:41:38,245 --> 00:41:40,713
and I'm quite all right with it.
1001
00:41:42,549 --> 00:41:45,452
♪
1002
00:41:47,077 --> 00:41:57,077
Sync and corrected by atrn97g
Resync by into-the-light
www.addic7ed.com