Previously, On the Big C...
I've returned with a new respect for my African roots,
so from now on, I want you all to call me Ababuo.
While you were gone, dad had a heart attack
and died for a little while.
I am a blogger.
I feel the need to write it all down while it's still fresh.
I mean, I saw the light.
This is your key fob.
The lightning bolt shocks
your heart back into a regular rhythm.
Keep it with you at all times.
The only problem with your London pub
is that there's just not enough londoners in it.
Are we going to see you tomorrow, Alexis?
Most likely.
I gotta get a job and make some money
and turn my heat on.
Clearly the meds are talking.
I'll keep my ears open.
There might be something at the school.
- Cathy Jamison? - Good luck.
Do you think praying really does anything?
The Bible says it does.
Your tumors are continuing to shrink.
Some of them disappeared.
That's great. Hell, yeah!
Shh.
♪ It's so hard
♪ to turn your life over
♪ step out
♪ of your comfort zone
♪ is this some kind of a joke? ♪
♪ will someone wake me up soon? ♪
♪ and tell me this was just a game we play ♪
♪ called life
hey.
You had a fucking affair?
Where did you hear that?
I didn't hear it anywhere.
I read it on dad's blog. What?
to make my life miserable. Adam, wait one second.
No, no, no, no. With all the lectures
and holier-than-thou bullshit, I'm done listening to you.
You're a fucking hypocrite. Adam!
Wait one minute.
Check this out!
My latest blog post got 59 page views.
That's 30 more than the last one.
Yeah, but your son is one of them.
He knows about my affair.
He read about it on your blog!
Holy shit, Adam saw the blog?
It's on the Internet, Paul.
Everyone can see it.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
I guess I was thinking about the people I was writing for,
you know, other adults,
myself, honestly.
I swear, ever since the operation,
I haven't been thinking straight.
You know, yesterday I made myself a cup of tea.
I don't drink tea.
And... and I can't seem to eat enough bananas.
I mean, what's that all about?
Do you think that they put a...
a baboon heart in me or something?
Okay, how are we going to handle this?
How are we going to explain that to him...
that both his parents had affairs?
Well, I didn't get to my affair yet.
Only because yours comes first chronologically.
I mean, I was going to get to mine,
but maybe we should skip it.
Why didn't you just skip all of it?
I'm telling my story, Cath.
I mean, you know,
it's incredibly cathartic for me.
People seem to like hearing about it.
You know, how I saw the light and the details
of my near-death experience,
and I can't really do that without explaining
about what came before.
You know, like your cancer and...
and your Lenny.
Oh, so... so I caused your heart attack?
No, life did.
And you are part of my life.
And by the way, you know, there are some very nice things
about you on the blog, sweetie.
Wait.
You haven't been reading my blog.
So not the time, Paul.
You're right.
Why don't I take down that post?
Yeah, why don't you take down that blog post?
Hey.
Uh, I was just thinking about, you know,
taking a snowmobile safety class.
That might be fun.
Don't you have to have
a snowmobile before you can be safe on one?
Maybe I'll get one. I don't know.
You're all into this Africa stuff.
Maybe snowmobiling is my new hobby.
This ain't no hobby.
This is my culture, bitch.
B.S.A.? What is that?
Black student association.
The school dropped it a few years ago
due to lack of interest.
Can you believe that shit? I'm starting it back up.
Wow, you're really into this Africa stuff, aren't you?
When you spend all your time
in a school as white as a Minnesota winter,
it's nice to feel like you're part of something
with people that get where you're coming from.
Yeah, well, uh, see you later, Ababuo.
You're the first person to call me that
without me having to kick their ass.
Hey.
How's the job, working man?
It's thankless and unfulfilling,
but, hey, at least no one respects me.
What is all this stuff?
You look like a homeless janitor.
These are the tools of my trade.
Dry mop, gum scraper, vomit powder.
Fyi, that's for covering up the smell,
not making your own from scratch, and this...
this is just found money.
You know, you'd be amazed at the perfectly wonderful stuff
people just throw away around here.
You know, as... as proud as I am
that you... that you have a job
and you're enjoying the disgusting fruits of your labor,
here's the thing. You have to get a home phone.
Oh, no. No, no.
No, I'm getting all of your work calls at my house.
A phone... it's just... it's a little too
"on the grid" for me, Cath.
- Sean. - It's a slippery slope.
You know, today I'm getting a job and a phone.
Tomorrow I'm on the Internet.
Before you know it, I'm... I'm e-filing my taxes
and tweeting pictures of my taint
to villagers in ass-ghanistan.
How about, as a thank-you
to me for supporting you, giving you a home,
and getting you a job, you do a little something for me?
Something like, oh, I don't know...
Get a phone.
I hate it when you treat me like an immature child.
If we weren't at school, I'd fart in your mouth.
Adam.
Adam Jamison,
I'm talking to you.
Is this yours? Are you...
are you going to a Bible group? - Serious right now?
I'm thinking about checking out a Bible group,
and you had sex with a guy who wasn't dad,
and you're judging me?
Maybe you need to find a Bible, and you can bone up
on the fifth commandment, the "honor thy mother" one.
Yeah, and while I'm at it, I'll highlight the ones
about adultery and lying for you.
Adam, I'm...
Hey, Mrs. J.
- Oh, hey, Adam. - What's up?
What's up, man? Are you coming in, or...
- uh, you know, I was... I was thinking about it, but...
- oh, yeah. No, you totally should, man.
It would be good to have another hockey dude in the group.
Look, I was totally afraid it was going to be all
"holy spirit, hallelujah,
"praise Jesus," all that shit. Oh, yeah?
It's actually totally cool.
Awesome, yeah.
Friendly heads-up... the sandwiches are awesome,
but stay away from the veggie dip.
This place is lousy with double-dippers.
So it's like a veggie and saliva dip?
Totally. I'm Jesse.
- Adam. - Come on, guys.
Guys, let's get started.
Hey, everyone. This is Adam.
Adam, this is everyone.
Hey, what's up?
- What's up, Adam? - Hey, Adam.
Just caught him double dipping in the veggie dip.
Ooh.
Nice.
Okay, um, all right. So, Adam,
what's your story?
Uh, I think everyone already kind of knows it.
My mom has cancer.
My dad is recovering from a heart attack.
That and all this school bullshit, you know?
Sorry. Oh, no, no.
It's fine, man. I mean, I have a feeling
that when Jesus was getting nailed to the cross,
he may have let a few "motherfuckers" fly.
You know?
But, um, no. It's good to have you, Adam.
You know, this is just a place where you can be yourself.
You can share your problems. You can vent.
You can scream if you want to.
I mean, we all have our own crazy stuff going on, right?
- Mm-hmm. - And, uh...
I mean, we're just here to find our sanity.
You know? Or... or our higher power
or that calm among the chaos.
So there's just... there's no judgments.
Sweet.
We do occasionally make fun of Morgan's hair,
but, I mean, besides that,
nothing.
Get in there.
Where the hell did that come from?
Oh, there's a storage closet
at the school full of this crap.
Cathy wants me on the grid,
I will do it my way.
Ah, yes, the sound of my soul dying a little bit.
Hey, which of these says
"black power"?
Um, well, they all do actually.
Here, you just, uh... you just have to learn
how to wrap these the right way.
Come here. Sit down.
Are you serious right now?
You know how to wrap an African head scarf?
Yeah, I, uh... I dated a Nigerian chick in college,
and we made a deal.
If I learned how to tie her scarf,
she would go full bush, no trimming.
Ugh, you see, here's my problem.
No one has this number yet.
Fucking telemarketers.
Hello.
No. There's no Willy here.
Total pain in the ass.
Hello?
No. No, buddy. You got the wrong number.
No, this isn't Willy.
- What? - Suck my cock.
Come on, Willy, you know you want to.
You got a naughty-ass phone.
Probably just some stupid kids.
All right, Ababuo, there you go.
What do you think?
Damn, dude. This is awesome.
I hope your Nigerian girlfriend lived up to her end of the deal.
Oh, yeah.
It was like she was smuggling Diana Ross in her panties.
Ugh.
I want you to tell Adam that you had an affair.
What? Why, honey?
I thought we agreed that it was better
if Adam didn't know that kind of stuff.
You're the one who brought us down this road.
He has not spoken to me since he found out my affair,
and I am tired of being the bad guy.
He's on his way to school, so tell him before he leaves.
Adam, your father has something he wants to tell you.
- Hey, buddy. - Hey.
Um, here's the deal.
Uh, it was wrong of me to...
Post on my blog about your mother's affair.
She's angry, and rightfully so.
But we have talked about it, and we've moved on.
Incidentally, new house rule:
Nothing personal goes in the blog
without prior family approval.
And...
And she is not the only one who had an affair.
I cheated too.
Of course. Of course.
Why not? Why not?
I know, I know, but it was a crazy, misguided reaction.
Okay? Sort of a sexual quid pro quo.
I don't know what all this sudden honesty is about, okay?
I really don't.
But you want my honesty?
I don't want to know this shit.
- Adam. - What, mom? What?
Do you wanna hug it out?
Yeah, we should totally hug it out.
Come here. Let's hug it out.
Oh, yeah, everything's better.
Everything's better. I feel great.
Do you guys feel great?
God.
Bring it.
Ha, ha!
Okay.
Let me give you some props, 'cause you are the first woman
who beat me since Sturgis in 2005.
And that bitch cheated, I'm telling you.
You just chalk it up to anger.
It's the steroid of the common folk.
Yo, Kirby, Alexis' next round
is on me.
Aww.
You know, I bet you'd be good at arm wrestling.
All that artwork adds an added element of intimidation.
You like my memoirs?
Oh. Oh, I love that you used the word "memoirs."
Why do people get tattoos?
Well, I'm not authorized to speak for people,
but every one I got before I was 20
was to piss my mother off.
Did it work?
I guess not. She still calls me every Sunday.
Ooh. Ooh.
Oh, wow, what is that one?
It's supposed to be a grim reaper,
but the guy I shared a cell with
was a little light on proper tattoo supplies,
so it kinda looks like a clown with a droopy penis.
Oh, you were in prison.
My mother warned me about guys like you.
Relax. I just robbed a liquor store.
Oh, see?
That almost makes you sound soft.
You know, you can get those things removed now.
Why would I want to do that?
I'm proud of 'em.
It's my story.
Yeah.
I gotta get out of here.
- Where you going? - I gotta go to school.
School?
Yeah.
Flight school, remember?
Airplane driving.
Yeah, I'm not sure you're okay to drive.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm fine.
I'm okay, you know, 'cause I'm...
I'm not driving... I'm not driving the actual planes.
Just the simulator.
You don't have to be sober to do that.
Right, but you do have to be sober to drive a car.
Where you going, Alexis? I can drop you off.
About a block away from west hill high.
You know where that is?
Let's ride.
♪ I miss you
♪ yeah, I miss you
come on, girl.
- So this is it, huh? - Sure is.
This is your hog?
Oh, she's no hog.
Looks a little tiny for a big ol' hog.
Well, you know, I like something that fits snug
under my ass.
All right, you ready?
Yeah. Hang on.
♪ Photograph
♪ is all I have
♪ photograph
♪ is all I have
♪ photograph
♪ is all I have of you ♪
all right, hang on.
Whoo!
Hey, what's up, my African queen?
Oh, nothing.
I just spent the last two days bustin' my ass,
hanging up flyers and telling people about this whole
black student association,
and this is the response I get.
You know, I know that there aren't a whole lot
of black kids at this school,
but I sure as hell thought that of the 13 black kids
that do go here, that at least half of them
would have showed some goddamn interest.
Total waste of time.
So what, you're just gonna quit?
After one day?
To me, that kind of laziness and lack of ambition
just feeds a very overused
and very cliche black stereotype.
Of course, it's easy for me to say.
I'm a white man reaping all the glorious benefits
of a system skewed in my favor.
As-salaam-alaikum.
Oh.
Uh, excuse me.
Ladies, a moment.
Um, yeah, I'm a janitor.
My entire job revolves around filth and waste,
and I accept that.
But, you know, I have to vent just for a second.
I love your gender, but as teenagers,
you disgust me,
with your chipped nail Polish all over the floor in there,
your tampons jammed in the toilets.
And although you guys might think it's cute,
those little lipstick kisses you leave
on the mirror in there
are a pain in my minimum-wage ass.
Weirdo.
Attention.
I want to urge my fellow black students
to join me in the newly reestablished
black student association.
It's an opportunity... Miss Jackson!
Step away from that microphone right now.
Okay, I got the principal all up in my grill.
But just come and find me.
- Give me that microphone. - Ugh, come on, people.
Have some pride!
Show this school that we're more than just...
God damn it, we are the 99%!
But really we're the 5%.
This is why I need you.
5%! 5%!
Tell your story in detention, Andrea.
It's Ababuo, damn it.
Go.
I want to talk to you.
You might want to talk to a mirror first.
You look like a freakin' crazy woman.
Well, look, I don't give a shit what I look like.
Look, I am tired of you shutting me out.
Mom.
I had an affair.
It was last summer. It lasted a few weeks.
It was with Lenny, the painter.
Okay, yeah. Yeah, that's great.
Feel better?
Maybe when I'm done.
'Cause now that I have your attention,
I'm gonna tell you everything.
I've done drugs.
When I was 17, I smoked pot for the very first time.
And when I was 19, I was arrested
for peeing in a public park.
And I've shoplifted.
There was this great pair of guess jeans.
They were all the rage. Mom. Stop!
I got so drunk at my college orientation
that they had to pump my stomach,
and that was after...
After my friends, they found me passed out
in this guy's bedroom,
and I-I... for the life of me,
I could not find my bra,
and that prick, he gave me scabies.
And I was so stressed out
from having a rash down there
that I missed my period.
I totally thought I was pregnant.
Just fucking shut up!
I've made mistakes.
I'm gonna make more.
What's going on in here?
All of you are gonna make a shitload of mistakes too.
It's not fucking funny!
Dude, it's totally funny.
Okay, Adam, we all know you're going through a lot,
but you need to calm down.
Fuck off, Ingvoll.
You just got detention.
And Mrs. Jamison...
- fuck off, Ingvoll.
What are you doing in here?
Rather not talk about it.
Heard you over the intercom.
You have a lovely speaking voice.
Shut the fuck up.
Principal Schuler went crazy.
I had to do something.
I have no idea how to get people interested
in my black student group.
I'll join, if it helps.
I'm pretty sure having a white kid in the group
would defeat the purpose.
These gentlemen will be joining you
for the next six weeks.
Oh, hell no.
Look at you fools.
Do you think this is a joke?
This is exactly where people expect you to be.
Don't be where people expect you to be.
Miss Jackson.
Miss Schuler, you can give me
another detention or whatever,
but right now, I need to say some shit.
Now, I posted signs.
I've asked y'all asses nicely.
I even got over the intercom
and screamed it and got in detention for it.
But I can't get through to you.
So guess what.
We're gonna have a group meeting right now.
We're practically a quorum anyway.
So welcome to the black student association.
And I've changed the name of the group.
It's a.F.R.O...
africans for rediscovering ourselves.
Do I have y'all attention?
This is not a meeting.
This is detention.
Sit down, Andrea.
It's Ababuo.
Fist up, fools!
What? Shit. What?
Who the fuck are you looking for?
Hopefully, you're the fuck I'm looking for.
Who is this?
Come on, Willy.
Don't act like you don't remember me.
Uh, well, could you remind me?
It's me, Damien, silly Willy.
Where have you been?
Your phone number has been disconnected for weeks.
I can't stand being Willy-deprived.
And you know I don't pay $4.99 a minute
to just have anyone lick my balls.
Um, well, the, um,
the business had some, uh, some issues.
But the... the phone is now back up and...
and running.
Thank God!
Listen, I'm gonna give you my new credit card number.
Is that okay?
Yeah, it's, uh... it's easier on my end.
Okay, but I hope you'll go anything but easy
on my end.
Clever, Damien.
Um, so let's, uh, let's do this.
Will that be visa or American express?
Uh-huh.
Yeah. Sexy.
I understand that things at home are stressful.
I get that.
But what am I supposed to do?
That's why they pay you the big bucks, Connie.
To take care of shit like this.
This is not funny, Cathy.
Do you realize you are the third person
from your house in my office today?
You are a teacher.
Certain rules need to be followed.
Certain behavior is expected.
And today's behavior was not it.
You know, I'm not particularly proud of myself,
but I am an adult, so you can stop
wagging your finger at me.
Psh.
Is that...
is that alcohol on your breath?
Excuse me?
You have to give me a little more credit, Connie.
For your information, what you're smelling
is medicine that I'm on for my clinical trial.
Medicine.
You have got to help me out here, Cathy.
I think the school has been very good
about giving you the time and space you need
to deal with your illness.
I only ask for a little professionalism in return.
So you want...
Professionalism.
Professional...
Professionalism.
He's wearing a tie.
Is that professional enough for ya?
♪ I
♪ think you should know
♪ that I
what are you doing here?
I work here, remember?
No, I mean why did Adam call me for a ride
if... if you were here?
Oh, I'm afraid he doesn't want
to have anything to do with me right now.
Why? What happened?
I told him my story.
I told him everything.
I think it was the right thing to do.
The way I did it was questionable.
Honey, have you been drinking?
I have.
And I will probably be drinking more later.
I'll see you at home.
♪ I can't let you go
♪ tonight.
♪ I can't be alone
look, don't... I was just...
- wasting a perfectly good cigarette?
You got another one I can bum?
Sure.
♪ That you
♪ don't love me that way
♪ tonight
huh.
♪ I'll be just like
♪ your shadow
all set. Want to see it?
Mmhmm.
♪ It's been so long
♪ and you
so what do you think, Alexis?
You like it?
♪ Tonight.
I love it.
♪ I'll be just like
♪ your shadow