Previously, On The Big C...
Dad had a heart attack and died for a little while.
I am a blogger.
I feel the need to write it all down
while it's still fresh.
I mean, I saw the light.
Do you think praying really does anything?
I'm thinking about checking out a Bible group.
- I'm Jesse. - Adam.
I want you to be my wife.
Myk is only using you to get a green card.
How dare you say this to me on my goddamn wedding day?!
Hello? No. No, buddy. You got the wrong number.
You know I don't pay $4.99 a minute
to just have anyone lick my balls.
The business is now back up and running.
Will that be visa or American express?
Your tumors are continuing to shrink.
Hell, yeah!
So I have more time?
There's not a period at the end
of your sentence any more.
I love it.
Honey, why are you tagging the living room?
I hate this wall color. Always have.
- I thought you loved this color. - No,
it was on sale, which should've been a clue.
Thing is, I... I thought I had lost the time, you know,
to be the kind of person who could go out
and buy the colors
and try them out,
pick one and then actually paint the room.
You know, it just seemed so...
clinically fucking insane.
No, something that healthy people do.
But you see, now I have the time.
I am lousy with time.
I mean, I might just redo the whole house.
By the time I get to the attic,
I might figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
Honey, we both just cheated death.
Fucking Alec Baldwin.
Listen to this tweet:
"Tomorrow's Valentine's day.
Won't you help me get my one millionth follower?"
How the fuck does he do that?
I have seven followers,
and I'm related to half of them.
He is famous, Paul.
Yes, but was he clinically dead for three minutes?
So this is your bigger purpose in life,
to get more twits than Alec Baldwin?
Tweets.
Maybe you should pick up a paintbrush, start painting.
Gotta finish my blog.
Does Alec Baldwin have a fucking blog?
I have no idea.
Mine's better.
What the fuck did you do to the living room?
Happy Valentine's day.
Heart-shaped pancakes.
Retro-cheesy, but a classic.
- Can I stay out till 11:00 tonight?
I'm seeing Mia.
Yes, but only because it's Mia.
Ababuo, that is an awesome outfit.
Well, I'm not gonna let getting left at the altar
by some Ukrainian dipshit ruin my Valentine's day.
Inside I'm dying.
But on the outside, I'm saying, "sequins."
You look like a Christmas ornament.
Well, you're an asshole. Ooh, sorry.
Those are my insides talking.
Yeah, well,
let's get to school, asshole. We're gonna be late.
Happy V. Day, Mr. J.
And to you. Happy V. Day, Mrs. J.
And to you.
I got you something.
You're gifting me with adult braces?
No, no.
Who's this?
Joy Kleinman,
life coach, cancer survivor, and joyologist.
Joyologist? Is that even a word?
Unclear. I read up on her on the Internet last night,
and...
She used her cancer to completely change her life.
And I can't keep painting the walls, Paul.
I need direction.
I-I want to be a different me now.
And look, she's a little woo-woo,
but, you know, maybe we need a little woo-woo.
So I got a sub for the next two days.
We're going to her seminar up at the lake.
Could be fun. Could be crazy.
But what the hell, right?
Honey, can we afford this?
I got a two-for-one Valentine's special.
Okay, honey, but don't make me interact with a crystal, okay?
Or go into a sweat lodge,
'cause people die in sweat lodges.
They really do. You're not gonna die.
Worst-case scenario, we have hotel sex.
I'm gonna see your woo-woo?
Happy V. Day, Mr. J.
Yeah, you got me so hot.
Yeah, get in the tub, big boy.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you like it in here with Willy, don't you?
Yeah, you're getting hard.
Oh, yeah? Yeah? You want me to suck it?
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, it's so big.
Oh, can't take it.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, are you gonna come?
Yeah, yeah.
I'll come with you, big boy.
All right, I'm gonna come.
Oh, yeah, I'm getting ready.
I'm gonna come. Here I go.
Oh, shit.
Oh, God. Oh, shit.
Ohh, yeah.
Ohh.
Yeah. Thank you.
Thanks for calling. Have a hot day.
Did you just orgasm with my syrup?
I'm running a gay phone sex business.
Go ahead, judge away, Judgerella.
Actually, I'm too stunned to judge.
Well, while you formulate your small-minded reaction,
let me just say, I am exceptionally good at it.
I've found my calling, Cath.
I'm a phone sex worker.
Huh. I thought you were a school janitor worker.
Garbage removal keeps me centered.
Catering to the fantasies of a few gay guys
feeds my creativity and my pocketbook.
Wait, are you gay now?
No, I'm just talkin' the talk.
I ain't, you know, suckin' the cock.
I have drunk from the pan-sexual fountain in my day.
Turns out I prefer the pussy.
But the almighty gay dollar? Still accepted here.
Are these scrotum-shaped pancakes?
No. They're hearts.
Oh, sorry. Long day at the orifice.
No, I'm bribing you to look after Adam tonight.
I'm taking Paul away for Valentine's day.
But now that you're into sex trade,
I don't know if you should be around a minor.
I'm just talking the talk, Cath.
I'm just talking the talk.
Ooh, I better take this.
Sixth caller this morning.
I guess gay guys get really lonely on Valentine's day.
And I plan on milking them, literally,
for all they are worth.
Hello.
Yeah, hey, this is Willy.
Hey, you been to the gym, man?
No, no, I'm not wearing nothing.
I just got out of the shower.
Yeah, take 'em off.
This crazy joy thinks that dancing and juicing
cured her cancer,
yet she has 23,000 followers.
You promised to stay open.
Oh, I'm open.
I am definitely open...
To this delightfully large bed.
It's huge!
Oh, God, I love a good, big, king-sized bed.
It's like being wrapped in a cloud
that's strong enough to have sex on.
Okay, don't get too comfortable.
We have to be at a lunch seminar in half an hour.
Gift bags!
Ooh.
"Dear voyagers, welcome.
"So excited to start you on your journeys
"toward joy and fulfillment.
"Please wear these backpacks at all times
"during your stay.
Get ready to meet your joy."
Rocks.
This is a super crappy gift.
How come I have more rocks than you do?
Isn't the real question
what are we doing paying good money
to carry around a bag full of rocks?
Okay, look.
Well, you'll feel better after we have something to eat.
Ow.
Ho... holy moly.
Oh, my God.
23,000 fucking followers.
Hey, Ababuo. Happy Valentine's day.
Hey.
Hey, Ababuo.
Uh, hey!
Hey.
Number one, this is organic material,
and, as such, should be composted.
Number two, your attitude's for shit,
but your outfit is the bomb.
Thanks, janitor man.
Oop, rolling calls.
I'm sorry. Better take this.
Long day at the office.
Happy hallmark-driven holiday, my boy.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, Adam.
You free tonight? I'm going to a sick concert.
Uh, you know, actually, I kind of have plans.
Ohh, you have a girlfriend, huh?
How'd you know?
It's Valentine's day, duh.
If you have plans, it's with a girlfriend.
But I'll have you home by 8:00.
- Wait, what kind of concert ends at 8:00?
Ooh, see? You're curious.
You can bring your girlfriend if you want.
Uh, you know, actually, I'll just see her after.
Cool. I'll drive.
Awesome. Oh, hey.
Happy Valentine's day.
You don't want to save it for your girlfriend?
No, no. You can have it.
Juice is not food.
Well, at least it explains the two-for-one pricing.
You know it's gonna look exactly the same
coming out as it did going in.
You know that, right? Exactly.
Hello, voyagers!
Hi, joy!
Well, now I see some of you have been with me before,
and I see some new guys here.
So I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'll give you the cliff notes version of moi.
Eight years ago, I'm jeri Kleinman.
I'm working away as a mid-level accountant.
I know, snooze, boring.
Trust me, I hated it.
In fact, anybody asked me,
I would tell them how miserable I was.
Then all of the sudden, one day,
out of the blue, I get breast cancer.
I mean, it shook me up,
physically and in my soul.
So you know what I did?
- You went to Sedona! - That's right.
I went to Sedona.
And I hiked the red rocks,
and I breathed.
That's right, people.
I breathed.
For the first time, I breathed.
And I realized
that all of the fucking stress
and all of the complaining...
I had given myself cancer.
I mean, I had nobody to blame but myself.
So I knew what I had to do.
I quit my job, and I started juicing,
that gnarly stuff that you're drinking right there...
thank you...
and then I walked into Neiman's,
and I popped for these shoes.
Yeah, these aren't from target, people.
And I wore these to my first chemo session.
And six sessions later, I was in remission.
Yep, they say it was the chemo,
but I know it was the shoes.
I mean, you might call these my "fuck me" shoes,
but you know what I call them?
I call them my "fuck you" shoes.
Fuck cancer.
I fucked cancer.
And now, I am fucking life.
And I wake up every morning orgasmically happy,
and I'm making ten times more
than I ever made in my life.
It's ironic, isn't it,
that cancer would show me that I can take control
of my life and follow my dreams?
And now my dream is that I want all of you
to find your joyful path.
Each one of us is born with a certain number
of breaths.
How do you want to use them, people?
That's the question.
All right, everybody up, out.
We're gonna go outside, have a little fun.
Leave your juice if you haven't finished it,
and we're going to grab a bag, people.
Hi. Paul Jamison.
Oh, nice to meet you, Paul Jamison.
Here you go.
And sacks up, people.
Go ahead. Come on.
That's it, sacks up.
The race is to bettina and back.
Ready? Awesome!
On your mark,
get set, go!
That's it. You're kids again, people.
Let's relax.
Have some fun. Jump for joy.
Let's hear some laughter.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Laughter releases endorphins.
Gets rid of all those toxins,
and it beats the shit out of crying.
Good going. That's it.
Limited amount of breaths.
People, let's use it. Ahh!
- You all right? - Yeah. Go.
I'm gonna... I'll see you inside.
- Oh, come on, let's go! - No, I'll see you inside.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Good work. Oh.
Oh, come on, you can get up.
That's good.
Hey, hey, where are you headed?
Where are you going?
It's really cold out here.
This isn't your kind of thing, huh?
You know, I signed up for this on a whim,
and clearly I didn't read the fine print,
or any print, for that matter.
So, no, it's not really my kind of thing.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no, don't apologize to me.
I mean, you're the one that's letting yourself down.
You're the only one that's gonna stop you
from your joyful path.
I'm pretty sure my path to joy
leads to the fireplace inside.
I know this sounds like a lot of horseshit, doesn't it?
But, you know,
you came here for a reason,
and you should really listen to that reason,
even if you don't want to listen to me.
I get it, you know.
After you've had cancer, it's hard to trust anything.
How do you know I have cancer?
I read your husband's blog.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, uh, I research all my participants.
And, you know, by the way, Paul,
your blog is inspirational.
Really.
You have a knack for storytelling.
You gotta use that.
Thank you! Thank you. I will.
And... and I do, and I-I-I will.
Thank you.
Give me a chance. You'll see.
You should know I don't think joy can cure my cancer.
All right, well, you should know
that that attitude's probably gonna kill you.
And this is for you.
For giving up.
All right, people.
Very well done.
I don't get it.
Is this... is this church or a concert?
Both.
Pants on! Uncle Sean is in the house!
- Adam's out. - Oh.
I told Cath I'd check on him,
but I got caught on another call.
Having non-stop make-believe sex on Valentine's day
is exhausting, depressing,
and surprisingly unfulfilling.
I have lonely man cauliflower ear.
At least you get to have make-believe sex.
These... these used to be instruments of pleasure.
Now they're just for picking up the phone.
Well, I've been online for the last hour
looking for stories to make me feel better
about my life.
Look. This is the best one so far.
Man got stuck in a well for two months.
Ugh, and had to saw his own hands off.
And when they finally pulled him up,
he finds out that his wife is having an affair
with his brother.
Oh, that's rough.
He can't even punch him.
At least he got married.
You know what? This is bullshit.
Why... why should only happy people enjoy
this horrible, made-up day?
Get dressed.
We're going out.
I got some money.
And we both have our hands.
All right.
I say we flee at dawn and find the nearest sizzler.
Let's stick it out.
Between the vision boarding and the mindful yoga
and the juice dinners, I'm starting to feel centered.
And slender.
The only reason you're into joy
is because she wears tiny skirts and likes your blog.
Ha! Yes!
I like positive affirmation. Crazy.
May I remind you, it was your idea to come here.
"Hope you had an amazing and enlightening first day.
"Now get joyful with your partner...
Or yourself."
Ew.
No, no, no!
No! They took the mini-bar key!
I know. I know. I can pick it with my eyebrow tweezers.
That was an order from joy herself.
Now show me your woo-woo.
- What the hell is that? - It's a tattoo.
I got a tattoo.
It just... it felt good to do something.
I just... I haven't known where to put everything
that's happened,
so now some of it's on my back.
That's why I wanted to come here,
to try and figure out what it all means,
what's next.
Don't hate it.
Don't be provincial.
I think it's hot.
I've got a tatted wife.
Mm.
Tobleroooone...
Mm?
Oh, it's just I'm being taunted by the chocolate
in the mini-bar.
- Mm. - Keep going. Go ahead.
Mm.
Still thinking about that chocolate?
Little bit.
Fine. Go get the tweezers.
Oh, thanks.
Valentine's day.
What does it mean to you?
Flowers, chocolate.
Chance to get laid.
You know, St. Valentine
used this day to perform marriages.
Guess he didn't have a date, huh?
Maybe he was onto something.
Maybe he knew what really mattered.
Guys, what if today we didn't get lucky?
What if we kept it in our pants?
What if we stopped thinking with our dicks
and started listening to him?
A blowjob lasts, like, one minute.
What if we took our heads
out of the gutter and... and put our eyes
to the sky?
How lucky would we be then?
Really lucky.
What?
Really lucky!
Yeah!
Yeah, come on! Awesome!
Anyone who wants to come up tonight
and take the sacrament, please just come on up.
You coming up?
No, I'm... I'm good.
Figures the only restaurant that can take us
last-minute on Valentine's day would be the garlic house.
Yeah, but now we're safe from vampires
for at least a week.
what if Myk was it for me?
Do you ever think that about Rebecca?
Like there'll never be anyone else?
Well, sure, sometimes.
But you can't let that scrawny Ukrainian
make you into a bitter spinster.
I mean, look at me.
I could stay home all day,
wallowing in my post-Rebecca psychosis,
or I could enjoy a delicious garlic panna cotta
with my friend.
Have you selected a dessert?
Got anything without garlic?
Just the chocolate mousse, but those are our last two.
Well, what... wha...
how come they get them, and we don't?
They were special-ordered two days ago.
We weren't even a couple two days ago.
I'll give you a minute.
Eat fast.
You don't have to tell me twice.
- Mm. - G...!
What the fuck?
Mm.
Holy shit, it's a ring.
- Wha... - He's proposing.
Uh, Ababuo,
you are the...
the fire in my heart,
the light in my loins.
You... you make me want to set my hair on fire with desire.
You... you complete me.
You make me feel like dancing.
You... you had me at hello.
Marry me, my African queen.
Yes!
Oh, God, did you just burp in my mouth?
- Sorry. - That's my ring.
Excuse me?
I bought that ring to propose to my girlfriend.
Oh, Eric!
- Um, run. Run. - Okay, yeah, okay.
Congratulations. Best wishes to you both.
Mazel tov.
Okay, best Valentine's day ever.
We owned it.
In fact, we should change the name
to lonely person's day.
Totally.
Happy lonely person's day.
And to you, my fiancee.
Good night, lonely person.
Sayonara,sad sack.
Oh!
Here are our stragglers.
Good morning, you two.
It looks like some people got a little too joyous last night.
Am I right?
Oh, we are full of joy.
Okay, people, so...
Music is the soundtrack of the soul,
and to help you get to the place
where you are open to joyousness,
we are going to listen and dance
to some sounds this A.M.
That I used to dance to very late in the P.M.
okay, let's shake your Booty, everybody.
That's it, move it.
Good. Oh, yes. Shake your Booty.
Everybody dance.
Come on, even you, Cathy. Come on.
That's it. Shake it.
Everybody, up, up, up.
Yes, oh.
Feel it, people!
Paul. I'm worried...
I'm worried about your heart. I'm not even jumping.
Just give me your backpack.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Yeah.
Feel the music in your spirit.
Feel that music fill your soul.
You are invincible.
All right, Cathy. What's going on, hmm?
What's going on is I am calling bullshit.
The... the juice, the joy, these stupid fucking rocks.
I've had it. I'm done.
Blood sugar issues.
Cathy.
Good for you.
You got it.
She got it, people.
All right? That bag is your old baggage.
Why were you carrying it?
Because I told you to?
Because society made you?
I mean, you were ready to carry Paul's bag.
You cannot move forward
if your shit is still pulling you back.
You are not your past.
You are a limitless future.
Good for you.
Everybody take a lesson from Cathy.
Come on. Drop those bags.
That's right. That's right.
Good. Now doesn't that feel fabulous?
Don't you feel like you could just fly?
Good for you, Cathy.
Thanks.
Well, let's all sit down and close our eyes.
That's it. Sit down, everybody.
Eyes closed. That's it.
There you go.
Everybody close your eyes.
I knew you would be the first to get it.
Now the first step towards finding
our new life path
is to find out what makes us truly happy.
So I want you to imagine a moment
of pure joy...
When you felt completely free.
Take a deep breath.
That's it.
And let your mind guide you...
And surprise you.
where are you?
How do you feel?
Mm. Shit, this is good.
Holy fuck! Holy fuck!
What? What is it?
I have 2,000 followers!
Joy just re-tweeted my address.
"Check this guy out. He's got a great message."
Holy shit!
She just handed me her entire fan base
on a kale juice platter, man!
I don't know what that means,
but congratulations.
Jesus, do you know what I was thinking about
when she asked us to meditate on our happiest moment?
Ninth grade, Dolly Madison high,
I'm standing on the stage, accepting the award
for "most likely to succeed."
How about you, honey? What did you see?
I want another baby.