Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience.
I'd like to propose a toast to the amazing, loving,
supportive, beautiful...
- Oh, stop. - Dori.
Oh!
Why don't you just move in with her?
[Laughs]
No, I'm serious. Move in with her.
Peter, sweetheart, it's no big deal.
No big deal?
This is the lady who hooked me up with a client
who is looking to buy a multimillion dollar house.
Oh, is he single?
Fran, he's 75.
Is he single?
No, it's her old friend, Gary Cassitore.
Gary Cassitore?
Oh... Gary Cassitore?
Am I pronouncing it wrong? Is there a problem?
You're still in touch with that punk?
- Oh, don't start ag... - Okay, everybody calm down.
What did you do?
All I said was "Gary Cassitore."
Don't say that name in my house.
What are you? A moron?
Darling, you did nothing wrong.
- He's just an old friend. - An old boyfriend.
And there goes my commission.
I saw him on the Facebook,
we befriended each other, and then he poked me.
It's a Facebook thing, Daddy. It's a Facebook thing.
He posted at he was looking to buy a house.
You see, Daddy? That's all that happened.
Mom went online, contacted Gary
to introduce him to Peter.
[Laughs] Over coffee.
Not helping.
She knows how I feel about Cassitore.
Glen, you're overreacting.
Dori was just trying to get me a commission.
She sat down with an old friend over a cup of coffee.
She didn't hold hands with him.
You didn't, did you, Ma?
No!
But she did say he was the love of her life.
Before I met you. It's ancient history.
Do you think I'd give a crap if you poked Estelle Weinburger?
Why would you?
She's been dead 17 years.
You know what, Glen?
You are behaving like a jealous lunatic,
and I am not going to stand here
and watch you embarrass yourself any more.
You won't have to. I will be in my room.
No, wait! Daddy.
Mommy made her homemade potato knishes.
I've lost my appetite.
You see what you did?
Now Daddy doesn't want her knish any more.
Ladies, I feel like this is all my fault.
I don't really believe that, but it's going to save time.
Relax, darlings.
I am going to talk to him,
and everything's going to be fine.
I left the bastard.
Sync, corrected by Alice www.addic7ed.com
♪ She was certain that he was her one and only ♪
♪ but their union always seemed a little forced ♪
♪ she got married anyway ♪
♪ turns out that he was gay ♪
♪ they're still in love, but now she's happily divorced ♪
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
How could you have left Daddy?
What happened to "he's going to calm down,"
everything will be fine"?
It went a different way.
So where am I sleeping?
With your husband.
Darling, your father is completely irrational,
and I cannot live with that.
Dori, we have electric blankets.
Why did you bring yours?
Because I want that bastard to freeze.
Oh, my God, Mommy and Daddy are breaking up.
What am I going to do?
Calm down. You're 46.
Darlings, I don't want to be a bother.
I'll be fine here on this couch.
God willing, my back won't spasm.
Ma, you're not going to sleep on the couch.
You'll take my room.
On a foldout?
Sweetheart, I'll sleep with you tonight.
Do you know how long I've been waiting to hear
someone to say that to me?
Course, I was hoping it would be
somebody taller with a penis.
I'll run down to Ralphs,
get that granola she likes to eat for breakfast.
No!
If you feed them, they will stay.
Let her calm down tonight, she can vent her feelings,
and then tomorrow, she's going to go home to Daddy.
Ooh...
You got a California king?
I may never leave.
Oh, my God.
I'm going to be living the rest of my life
with my gay ex-husband and my mother!
Fran, we'll get your mom out eventually.
Cesar, I got one last arrangement for you to...
what the hell happened here?
Your mother asked me to feng shui her.
Thank God it meant moving furniture.
Oh, jeez,
she's been here for three weeks,
and it feels like three months.
It's been three days.
Ma, what's going on here?
Oh, I just thought it would be more welcoming.
You know, when a man comes over for you
or Peter...
Or me.
We are roomies now.
This isn't Three's Company.
Hey, girls.
Oy, it is.
Oh, my God.
I know.
I love it!
I know.
Smells like fresh apple pie in here.
[Laughs] Check the kitchen, darling.
Oh, Dori, if you were single...
Oh!
Yeah, what would you do, big shot?
So, Cesar, I made arroz con pollo for you.
Both: [Gasping]
I love you, mamacita. Mwah!
All right, Ma.
I don't want you getting too comfortable here
because you're going to have to...
are those my shoes?
it's the only thing we wear that's the same size.
Okay.
You're going home right now to talk to Daddy.
No.
Ma, you're going to have to go home eventually.
Why?
I gotta tell you, sweetheart,
I'm really kind of enjoying my freedom.
Maybe I can start all over just like you.
If you were starting over like me,
you'be living with your husband.
Hey, why don't you, me, and Judi hit some hot spots?
Do you know where there's a good discotheque?
I think there might be two left in Poland.
Oh, come on, sweetheart. Take me out.
I haven't been single in 50 years.
It'll be fun.
You think it's fun
stuffing yourself into a pair of spanx
and going to sit in a bar?
What's a spanx?
It's like a girdle, Ma.
You know, I have never worn a girdle.
Shut up.
Come on.
- All right. - Oh!
Okay.
Yeah, you want to see what it's like
to be a single party girl?
- Yeah, yeah. - Allow me to educate you.
Oh, that's going to be so much fun.
What should I change into?
A 23-year-old with big boobs.
[Chuckles]
Sweetie, sweetie.
I came up with a plan to get Mom
to move back in with Daddy.
I'm gonna take her to White Bar,
show her how horrible it is to be a single woman.
You have to go over to Daddy and get him to apologize.
Why should I have to do that?
Oh, because it's all my fault
because I said "Gary Cassitore."
And I came out and ruined your life.
See, it really does save time.
This is fun.
Three hot chicks on the town,
just like Sex And The City.
[Laughs]
Or The Golden Girls.
How are we going to meet anybody
with your mother tagging along?
Judi, I'm surprised at you.
Think how young we look next to her.
Wow, $15 for an apricot sour?
Did you ever?
In my day,
the men paid for all our drinks.
Yeah, in our day too.
So this is where you come on Friday nights, huh?
Yeah, Ma.
This is where we come, night after night,
week in and week out.
And the only guy that comes up to us
is the valet to give us our keys
'cause he wants to go home.
Well, you're never going to meet any men this way.
Why are you two sitting here on your asses?
So no one will see them.
Ma, let me ask you something.
Why did you have to get together with Gary
when you knew what it would do to Daddy?
I don't know, Glen.
Well, I think you do know, Dori.
I think that you want a little attention
from your old boyfriend.
And what if I did?
You know, women like a little attention now and then.
You get nothing but attention from Daddy.
Yeah, in the bedroom.
All your father wants from me is sex.
Six, seven nights a week.
You poor bitch.
I just want a man who's going to do things with me,
like take me to a museum, go see a play.
Somebody who doesn't want me just for my body.
Take Peter!
Can you believe her?
We live our lives looking for Mr. Right.
She's already found hers.
And now she's running around thinking
that lightning's going to strike twice?
Ha.
Would you like to dance?
Why not?
Do you think D's going to want the rest of her nachos?
Thank you.
Glen? Hello?
Hey, Pete. Come on in.
Hey...
Glen?
How did you do this in three days?
I spliced a wire
from the bedroom through the bathroom and boom!
Free cable.
You know, Pete, if you want to get out of that house,
you can always live here with me in the man cave.
Oh, uh, I don't think that arrangement would work out
because, you know,
I like to sleep in my own botulism.
Come on, Glen.
You're telling me you don't miss your wife at all?
Even a little bit?
No.
Not even her apple pie?
I got news for you. That pie gives me gas.
Not news really.
That woman knows what she did was wrong.
Taking up with Gary Cassitore...
she knew what that would do to me.
What "taking up"?
Look, he posted online that he wanted a house.
If she wasn't guilty, she wouldn't have left.
No, she left because you screamed at her like a lunatic,
and now you're sitting here all by yourself
smelling like cat litter, no offense.
And she's sitting all by herself.
She's depressed and miserable.
Good lord, is this thing even cooked?
Did you say she was miserable?
I'm telling you, Glen,
all you have to do is apologize.
She's going to melt right into your arms.
It will take two little words to get your wife back.
"I'm sorry"?
I was thinking "cleaning girl,"
but that's good too.
You know, your whole plan to show your mother
how miserable it is to be a single woman?
It would work...
If she stopped dancing with that dude
and looked at us.
Don't worry. Peter's over with my dad now.
He's calming him down, and he's going to convince him
that tomorrow morning, he come to the house,
and he apologize.
And by tomorrow night, our two asses
are going to be back on these stools,
and it's Groundhog Day all over again.
[Whistles]
[Mouthing words]
This is what you wanted me to see?
She looks real lonely and miserable.
Glen!
What happened?
I thought you were going to get your mother
all lonely and miserable,
and I was going to get your father to apologize.
Tomorrow.
[Knocking on door]
Darling, what a nice surprise.
Hi, Marilyn.
I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for Daddy.
He's not answering his cell phone.
He doesn't seem to be home.
I'm beginning to get a little worried.
Of course.
- That's going to melt. - Oh.
I brought this for Daddy.
Do you mind if I put it in your freezer?
Sure. Could you grab my paper?
Oh, isn't this your neighbor's?
I only take the entertainment section.
Uh, Marilyn, I don't know if you heard yet...
I heard before you.
Ceil next door saw your mother walking through the park
with an "eye-talian" looking gentleman.
Oh, that was Gary Cassitore.
Oh, my God.
What? What?
My freezer is broken.
Oh.
I better grab two spoons.
Damn it. I only have one.
Uh, listen, Marilyn, you know,
I don'really know what to do with those two.
And you know them better than anybody.
Well, we were very close in the '60s
when they bought that hot tub
made from a wine barrel
and had those swimsuit-optional parties.
Meanwhile, they told me that barrel
was to bob for apples.
Sort of.
Did you check by the pool?
Your father was there before
with 15 hungry widows circling him.
Mom's only been gone four days.
How did they even know?
They can't see, they can't hear,
but they can sniff out a single guy like a cadaver dog.
If your mother is smart,
she'll get her little ass back here
before it's too late.
There are 100 widows in this complex
to 19 single men.
[Cell phone chimes]
18.
[CD player playing salsa music]
♪ ♪
- [Chuckles] - Whoo!
Ms. Dori,
you're picking up these steps very quickly
for somebody who's not a latina.
You know, a lot of people have told me
that I could have been a professional dancer.
Well, let's not go crazy.
You're no Chita Rivera.
♪ ♪
[Laughing]
Oh, I was practicing for salsa wednesdays at the bar.
And don't start with me. I am going.
What?
Ma, I've made peace with it.
You're moving on with your life,
and so is Daddy.
Yeah, well, good for him.
I just came from the condo.
I couldn't even get close to him by the pool,
he was surrounded by so many women.
[Scoffs]
Your father? Please.
You have to understand, Dori,
he's an eligible bachelor now.
Fran tells me they were eyeing him
like a Social Security check.
Are you telling me that at this very moment,
my husband is at the pool
surrounded by all those half-naked prunes?
That's right, Ma.
Well, it's a perfect time
for me to go to the apartment,
get my stuff without running into that man.
Wait a minute. Ma?
I can't believe you.
What kind of a person would not be jealous of a husband
being surrounded by sex-starved women?
Ma, Ma, Ma. What are you rushing for?
You're home now.
Don't you want to take some time
and think about what you're doing?
All I want to take
is my eyebrow pencil that's been discontinued
and my Lipitor.
Oh, my God!
- Glen. - Dori.
Marilyn?
Oy!
What the hell are you doing in my kitchen?
I knew your husband was so lonely,
and I thought he might want a little tongue.
This man has needs.
You abandoned him.
- Stop petting my husband. - I will not.
When Fran came over and told me how neglected he was.
I felt I had to do something.
You discussed our private intimacies with her?
I don't know, maybe. I was looking for Daddy.
What else did you blab?
Look, another woman is giving your husband tongue.
Would you focus on that?
You know, I can't believe it.
I'm away for five minutes,
and you replace me with an older, bleach-blonde floozy?
Older?
Dori, why are you acting like such a jealous maniac?
This is all perfectly innocent.
Oh, of course, like me and Gary Cassitore.
Okay, calm down, everybody.
Daddy, Mommy loves you.
She's just saying that she wants to take a little break
from your freakishly healthy sex life
to once in a while have dinner and a show.
Isn't that cool with you?
Well, I never saw Lion King.
Dori, Glen loves you,
and he would like it
if you would not contact Gary Cassitore again...
After my commission check clears.
Is that okay with you?
[Clears throat]
Well, I'd rather see Book of Mormon.
Get over here, you.
[Laughs]
You want to take a walk in the park?
After.
Let yourselves out.
[Sobbing]
I'm so ashamed of myself.
I don't know how could sink so low.
So what did we decide on? $150?
I believe it was $100.
You think the deli gives tongue away for free?
Welcome.
You were very convincing.
Oh, maybe I should go back into acting.
Well, timing's perfect. Silent pictures are back.
Wait, what?
Sync, corrected by Alice www.addic7ed.com