Thank you, guys, forjoining me on this momentous day.
As you know, it's been a rough year for me.
I got dumped by Caroline, then Julia.
I opened myself up to love.
I was hurt badly, and I closed myself up again.
Downstairs neighbor put a password on their Wi-Fi.
Off topic. - Okay, I agree.
So I've decided to give up on women...
and put all that energy into tomatoes.
- On us for thinking this wasn't stupid. - Growing tomatoes.
- I thought he was trying to sell. - I have a speech.
Wait, wait, you guys.
I told him not to lead with tomatoes, but he did.
As his friends, don't you wanna know why he wants to plant tomatoes?
- Is it because he wants tomatoes? - This is my attempt at a new beginning.
He's sowing the seeds for a fruitful tomorrow.
- He's turning over a new leaf. - Don't do metaphors.
- I'll trim it back. - You did it again.
- It's just ripe with plant... - But stop.
Looking at you, I'm realizing there's possibility of happiness.
- He's looking for a dapple of sunlight. - Go.
- Sorry. - Winston and Shelby.
You guys have found love, so...
- Oh, you have no idea. - I do. You talk about it all the time.
- We have a good idea. - Clear idea.
Schmidt, Cece, you almost made a baby.
You almost made a person. Think about that.
Jess. You're dating a man that I can see myself growing old with.
You got a great-looking face. Yourjawline could cut glass.
Hold on tight. Don't let that slip away.
- Getting a little weird, Nick. - Without further ado...
water, the source of life.
Oh.
- Okay. - All right.
Okay, I got to... You know what? Go downstairs if you want.
I don't care. I got two tomatoes and I'm betting on me!
Freeze frame!
When I'm up in the air and the legs are there.
- Who's that girl? - Who's that girl?
It's Jess
Cece, the Jewish is here to make sex!
You sound like dog being stepped on:
Noises I make, they come from a truthful place.
- I create a free environment in the sack. - Hey. What's going on here?
I like his face.
I want punch, punch, punch!
Beautiful women. You guys can say just about anything, can't you?
- What are you doing here? - So look, we've barely spoken...
since I almost, uh, impregnated you, heh.
It's this whole thing, it just kind of got me thinking.
Maybe this is just too intense...
and we should stop.
That's what you want?
- It's how I feel right now. - Oh.
Coolio.
So he goes out with me.
- Oh, Nadia, I think... - I think that's a great idea.
I mean, that's what you want, right?
Yeah, it's great. Totally cool with me.
Yay, we have fun.
I make him put on black shawl, pretend he's Grandma.
Fine. Twist my arm.
I'll go out with a hot Russian model...
whose ancestors probably burned down my ancestors' village.
Something weird happened to me.
I was at Russell's gym and I ran into his ex-wife, Ouli.
- Jess? Hi. - Ouli.
- Oh, that's a great swimsuit. - Hey, you.
Wow, someone's been working out.
Your back's like a bag of ropes.
Oh, mama.
It was really foggy...
and I kept making eye contact with her nipples.
Then I panicked, and invited her to dinner with Russell and me tonight.
- What? - It's just Ouli is this looming presence.
We don't talk about it.
- I thought it would be, like, good for us. - Everything okay with Russell?
Everything's fine. It's gonna be tense. Ouli's not Russell's favorite person.
But I grew up with divorced parents...
and I'm really good at navigating these situations.
- What did I do? - Nothing.
Mommy's all right
Daddy's all right
They just seem a little weird
Surrender, surrender
Don't tap dance at dinner.
Do you think I would tap dance at dinner?
- Yes. I'm hiding your tap shoes. - Absolutely. Don't do it.
Hi.
- Hi. Hi. - Sorry I'm late.
Hi.
Hey, remember the last time we were hugging?
- Heh. - You were naked. It was weird.
No! That was not weird at all.
I have no problem being naked, heh.
- Hi. - Hi.
How are the quesadillas?
- Know what? I've actually never had... - Oh, the eye roll.
- Mm. I've missed that. - I didn't roll my eyes.
I just needed to quickly stare at the ceiling.
Hey, Ouli...
- Mm. ...I love your name.
Thank you.
Or should I say gracias.
Uh...
Oh.
- Well, this is fun. - Yeah.
Mm, it is.
So we've got, like, eight more of these, right?
- I love this song. - Oh, I hate this song.
When we were on vacation in Oaxaca...
Ouli hummed this song for an eight-hour drive.
Wouldn't have been if you hadn't gotten lost.
At one point we were just following some donkeys.
- Oh, my gosh, look, it's food. I love food. - They were not donkeys.
Can't remember what we were talking about.
It wasn't a road.
Just because a road's not on a map...
doesn't mean it's not a road! - Inside voice.
Know what means it's not a road? Guys telling you to turn around!
Come on, those were kids in ajeep!
Car get stuck in the mud, you could not move it.
- Oh, here it is. - God forbid you break a nail...
I got one manicure, one time! I'm not doing this!
Ouli's all right
Russell's all right
They just seem a little weird
Surrender
- I'm leaving. - Before you get your quesadillas?
That's it.
It was crazy. There was, like, serious heat between them.
- Does she still have feelings for him? - Maybe.
- Hey, Schmidt. - Ahem, what up?
So Nadia's excited for your date tonight.
- I bet. - Make sure, uh, you use protection.
She's a foreigner, Cece. Do I look like an idiot?
Seriously, she doesn't even know where she's been, all right?
What, are we at Santa's family reunion? Because the clawses are coming out.
The claws are coming out. You know:
You're being catty, Cece.
Are you gonna let him go out with Nadia?
She was kicked out of Russia, Cece. Russia.
Why don't you just tell him you like him?
Doesn't matter if I like him.
- It's over. - And you're fine with that?
- Yeah. - Are you?
Yeah, heh.
Are you?
- Yeah. - Hold up. Are you?
- I am gonna kill you. - But are you?
Hey, Nick.
- What? - You seen Shelby's cat, Rummikub?
I mean, he is the cutest. Just the absolute cutest.
Hey, take a look at this picture when he woke up on my face.
Can't even see my face. I look like a cat man.
No! No, get out of here, birds!
Please, get out of here, you sky rats!
Go back to hell where you belong!
Leave me and my plants alone! I need this!
- You know who loves birds? - Please don't say it, Winston.
Shelby.
So...
How do you like America?
I like salad bar.
I like Despicable Me...
Tosh 2.0.
I like Connect 4, freedom of speech...
David Fincher...
uh, sidewalk.
I like 1-800-SLIM.
"Your mama" jokes...
strawberry...
Wilmer Valderrama...
Leon J. Panetta...
ice skating for fun, not to save life.
- What are you laughing at? - Cheese is for mouse.
Are you Mick Mouse?
- Am I what? - Why don't you get in your spaceship...
like Mick Mouse. - What?
- Mick Mouse. Mick Mouse: - What is a Mick Mouse?
I don't understand.
- Mick Mouse! - I don't...! What does that mean?
- What's a Mick Mouse? - Mick Mouse.
- Are you saying Mickey Mouse? - Yes.
In America, honey, okay, Mickey Mouse, he's Earth-bound.
Let's do sex party.
I sex you in face.
You're gonna sex me in my face?
Well, fancy meeting you here.
- Uh, hi. - What's up?
- Love your gym. - Ha, ha.
- You and Russell, huh? Last night. - Oh, God.
Sorry, we made you feel uncomfortable.
We can't be in the same room without wanting to rip each other's faces off.
Yeah. Yeah, well, as long as it's, like, you know, faces, and not, like, clothes.
- You don't think...? - No.
I'm just... It's my endorphins...
because I'm just so high on endorphins.
Yeah. Because there's not a chance in hell. I mean, he is all yours.
All yours.
- Awesome. - You know what it's like with Russell.
- Yeah. I mean... - Yeah.
He's a roller-coaster.
It's like standing on the bow of a catamaran...
blasted with spray during a perfect storm...
but you're naked, and...
And you're on fire, heh.
- You know? Ah. - Yeah. I do.
I'm just like, "Russell, put away the passion...
Unh.
And show me a moderately good time."
- Yup. - Crazy.
- So crazy. - Hmm. So crazy.
Russell.
Nick! - What?
What's with all the hammering...? Whoa, what the hell is this thing?
- This thing is creepy. - Yeah. It's called a scarecrow.
Okay? Birds keep coming after my plants.
Whatever you're doing, just stop with the hammering.
Me and Shelby are downstairs trying to make love.
- Did you honestly just say that? - Dude, we're making love. It's beautiful.
Who have you become?
- I'm happy. Am I not allowed? - You're allowed.
It's annoying the way you're doing it.
- You know what I don't care about? Mm-hm.
Shelby! Oh, Shelby loves puzzles!
Oh, Shelby loves doughnuts, but hates doughnut holes.
- Why you hating on Shelby so much? - I used to be your Shelby!
- That came out wrong. - I'm sorry. I didn't know it was my fault...
that your life sucks and you're so miserable.
You look like one of those guys...
who crawls out of the grave in the "Thriller" video.
- I want you to get. - Seriously?
- I want you to get off my farm! - This is a little weird, man.
- You used to be my best friend. - Talk to yourself, man.
- So get! - I'm getting!
- I don't need you! - Shut up!
- Hey, Russell. Mm-hm
- Do I ever drive you crazy? - Of course not.
Come on. There must something that I do that just, like, gets under your skin.
- No, I can't think of anything. - Come on, Russell, think.
Think, think, think.
Think.
That's annoying, right? The way I say "think", with a K.
Okay, Jess, um...
Your eyes bug out a little when you're trying to make a point.
- Yeah? - Yeah. And you do this squatting thing...
when you're thinking sometimes. - Yeah?
Yeah. I don't love that.
Like that? Like that?
I've never actually seen those together so it's not a favorite of mine.
So is this just driving you crazy?
Um, no, but it's not pleasant.
- Hey, you're not pleasant. - Oh, no.
You're not pleasant.
- That's not nice. It's not nice. - Yeah.
- It's passion! - Oh. Uh...
- You hurt my teeth, I think. - What you gonna do about it?
Uh, well, I mean, probably nothing.
- You know, I hate this shirt. - Okay.
You know, could you please? Thank you.
Ahh.
There it is. There's the fire.
Where have you been hiding it, Rusty? Where?
I'm gonna, um, make some tea. Want some tea with chamomile?
- No! - Okay, I mean, oolong... The oolong...
You know, oolong...?
Ugh, I hate that you have so many coasters.
- Why? - It's actually kind of a funny story...
- You just coasting through life? - This isn't great. Not at all.
What do...? You know, now I'm pissed.
What is this?
Something's missing.
I didn't know it until I saw you and Ouli together the other night...
almost strangle each other.
But then it clicked.
I want that.
I want what you and Ouli have.
You want me to treat you like my ex-wife?
Who I hate.
I don't know, I just...
You guys have the spark. And I want that spark.
You have to admit you have this spark, this passion.
Passion's overrated, Jess.
I knew we shouldn't have gone to that dinner.
I wanna go home.
Jess.
Just... Can you just take me home?
Get in there.
Useless. You...
- Get in there! - What is this?
Martin Scorsese's The Wizard of Oz?
- Sorry about what happened on the roof. - Apology accepted.
It's just we used to be miserable together, man.
- We did have some pretty bad times. - Heh. Yeah. We had the worst.
Remember we pooled our money and bought that dating profile?
- Ha, ha. Yeah. - Ha, ha.
The ladies did not care for Ninston Biller.
- Zero dates. - Zero.
I'm sorry that I can't be happy for you.
I wanna know what's wrong with me.
- Want me to tell you? - Not really.
Why are you giving up? Something doesn't work out, what do you do?
Make an adjustment, give it one more shot.
That's what I did with...
- Just say it. Shelby. - My beautiful Shelby.
Why you did say "my beautiful Shelby"?
Look, I just called her out of the blue, okay?
And then I was a different person and she was a different person.
Now look at us, man.
We're eating sandwiches and making love to one another.
Sandwiches and sex?
I want that!
Hey.
How, um? How was your date last night?
Brief. Small man go to hospital.
The hospital?
- Is he okay? - I don't know.
I leave him there. I go make bowling.
Nadia, like, honestly, what did you do to him?
He cry and cry. It was so funny. Heh.
Oh, my God.
There's me.
I really like what we had. I thought you did too.
I do, I did. It's just, Russell...
Seems to happen every time you're in this car.
But there's so many buttons, it's like...
The Batmobile doesn't have so many buttons.
Look, Jess, I've already done the crazy, explosive passion thing.
When I was with Ouli, it was like edging closer and closer to a woodchipper.
I'm not looking for that anymore.
I understand...
but I am.
And I want passion...
even if it's harder and hurts more.
So that's it?
Goodbye, Russell.
Agh.
- Yup. - Yup.
Oh, my God.
Are you serious?
How do you look this good under fluorescent lights?
I am so, so sorry, okay?
This is all my fault. I thought...
What happened?
Yeah. Um, this is embarrassing.
I broke my penis.
- You what? - I broke my penis.
Things got, I mean, just out of control with Nadia last night.
And there was, like, this one moment where it was just blinding pain.
Then there was another moment where I was watching myself watch myself.
I finally understand what The Tree of Life is about.
And I can't be certain of this...
but I am almost positive...
that Nadia's vagina contains a right angle.
- I'm leaving. - How are you upset right now?
Cece, you ended this.
- I don't know what you want from me. - I don't want you sleeping with Nadia.
Are you crazy? I don't want you sleeping with anyone.
Because I like you.
I can't just always say what I feel, okay?
It's just...
Just whatever, Schmidt.
You like me.
- You like my personality? - I was surprised too.
Come on.
- What happened? - Oh, my God! Why? Agh!
- What? - God, my penis is having a heart attack.
- Don't touch me. Get out of here. - Okay.
I mean, I like... Don't bend over, for crying out loud! What are you, nuts?
- I'm sorry. It's the yoga pants. - Sorry for this, but I like you.
I like you too so much.
Call a nurse. A male nurse.
Probably a heavyset male nurse would be nice.
- Bye. - Describe it to them...
as, like, a battered highway cone. Agh.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Caroline, how you doing?
Good. I'm just going to use the bathroom.
- Caroline? - I know. I called her and... I don't know.
What are you doing? You guys had a terrible relationship. Are you crazy?
- Are you burning incense? - Yes, I am. For ambiance. She digs it.
She digs it?
Are you kidding, Nick? What happened?
What happened to swearing off women and focusing on tomatoes?
I can't grow tomatoes, Jess.
I think this is what was supposed to happen all along.
Me and Caroline. And I'm okay with it.
- I'm happy. - Pathetic. You're just saying that...
because you don't have the courage to be alone.
I will never get used to those urinals.
Hey, give me a second? I have to talk to Jess.
- Oh, sure. - Okay.
- Bye, Caroline.
- Bye. - See you in one second.
- What is your problem? - Have fun making terrible life decisions.
Oh, you just know everything, don't you?
- I'm actually so sick of you. - I'm just really disappointed in you.
Maybe I'll be more like you, go into the kitchen, make pastries with sprinklies.
- That's not what I do. - Throw some dumb pajama outfit on...
then tell other people how to live their lives.
It's not a pajama outfit! They're called pajamas, Nick!
- That's what I said! - Go back in your room...
and put on your stupid flannel and keep not living up to your potential!
You're a crazy person!
I'm just saying things you don't wanna hear!
Know what I would like?
- What? - Silence!
- I'm not gonna be silent! - Shut up for one second!
- I'm trying to help! - Please be quiet!
- No! No! - I don't want your help!
Stop making that face. I hate that!
This is my only face! Don't have a lot of faces!
And if you don't like looking at my face, Jess...
then look at my ass!
Oh! - Yeah, get a good look.
- Stop shaking your ass! - This is the ass of a failure!
- You get a look. - Look right at my ass.
- Now, Nick! - You bought the ticket, take a ride.
- Feast your eyes on my butt. - I'm winning this.
- Quitter. - Look. It's going faster than yours!
- I have the fastest butt. - I got a faster one!
No, you don't!
- What are we doing? - Stop looking at my ass!
I'm gonna kill you.
Quitter.
You really think Nick is gonna believe that a tomato just sprung up overnight?
Yes, I do. When it comes to tomatoes...
no one in the world knows less than Nick.
- So how long you gotta ice that thing? - Eight weeks.
I mean, if I have any excitement, it's excruciating pain.
- Boobies. - What?
- Boobies. - I love boobies.
Girls with clean hair.
- This is the least funny game played. - Models eating sliders.
- Unh! - Bernadette Peters on a high beam.
Freshly baked bread.
Oh, God!