1
00:00:01,265 --> 00:00:03,633
Thank you guys for joining me
on this momentous day.
2
00:00:03,805 --> 00:00:05,939
As you guys know, it's been
kind of a rough year for me.
3
00:00:06,367 --> 00:00:07,901
I got dumped by Caroline,
4
00:00:07,969 --> 00:00:08,907
then Julia.
5
00:00:08,945 --> 00:00:10,242
I opened myself up to love,
6
00:00:10,437 --> 00:00:11,704
I was hurt badly,
7
00:00:11,772 --> 00:00:13,561
and I closed myself up again.
8
00:00:14,266 --> 00:00:16,099
The downstairs neighbor put
a password on their Wi-Fi...
9
00:00:16,136 --> 00:00:18,048
- Off topic. Off-putting.
- Okay. I agree.
10
00:00:18,212 --> 00:00:19,445
So I've decided...
11
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to give up on women,
12
00:00:21,714 --> 00:00:23,582
and put all that energy into...
13
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tomatoes!
14
00:00:25,209 --> 00:00:26,289
You know what?
It was on us
15
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for thinking this
wasn't gonna be stupid.
16
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Thank God! I thought he was
trying to sell us something.
17
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Guys, I have a whole speech!
18
00:00:30,781 --> 00:00:32,455
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, you guys.
19
00:00:32,557 --> 00:00:34,558
I told him not
to lead with tomatoes,
20
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but he did.
21
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As his friends, don't
you want to know why
22
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he wants to plant tomatoes?
23
00:00:39,999 --> 00:00:41,623
Is it because
he wants tomatoes?
24
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This is my feeble attempt
at a new beginning.
25
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He's sowing the seeds
for a more fruitful tomorrow.
26
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He is turning over
a new leaf. He is...
27
00:00:46,945 --> 00:00:48,596
Jess, please don't do
plant metaphors right now.
28
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- Okay, I'll trim it back a little bit.
- Okay, but you did it again.
29
00:00:50,508 --> 00:00:52,409
- It's just ripe with plant metaphors.
- Okay, but stop.
30
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I'm looking at you guys,
and I'm realizing
31
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that there's a
possibility of happiness.
32
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He's looking for a
little dapple of sunlight.
33
00:00:57,581 --> 00:00:59,216
- Go.
- Sorry.
34
00:00:59,284 --> 00:01:02,519
Winston and Shelby, you guys
have obviously found love, so...
35
00:01:02,586 --> 00:01:04,120
No, you have no idea.
36
00:01:04,187 --> 00:01:05,843
No, I do, 'cause you talk
about it all the time.
37
00:01:05,876 --> 00:01:08,189
- I think we all have a pretty good idea.
- Pretty clear idea.
38
00:01:08,657 --> 00:01:11,260
Schmidt and Cece, you almost
made a baby together.
39
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You almost made a person.
Think about that!
40
00:01:14,231 --> 00:01:15,431
Jess...
41
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you're dating the man that
44
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Your jawline could cut glass.
45
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Hold on tight, sister.
46
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Don't let that one slip away.
47
00:01:23,011 --> 00:01:24,000
It's getting
a little weird, Nick.
48
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So, without further ado...
49
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Water, the source of life.
50
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Whoa!
51
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It's okay, I got two of them.
52
00:01:34,050 --> 00:01:34,964
You know what?
53
00:01:34,998 --> 00:01:36,135
Go downstairs, if you want!
54
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I don't care!
55
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I got the tomatoes
and I'm bettin' on me!
56
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Freeze frame!
57
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When I'm up in the air
and the legs are there.
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♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync by Alice lwww.addic7ed.com
59
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♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
60
00:01:49,197 --> 00:01:53,775
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
61
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Cece, the Jewish is
here to make sex.
62
00:01:58,839 --> 00:02:01,107
Uh, it's actually Schmidt.
63
00:02:01,175 --> 00:02:03,443
Um, we've met, uh, many times.
64
00:02:03,510 --> 00:02:06,912
Right. I hear you make
sex through Cece wall.
65
00:02:06,981 --> 00:02:09,381
You sound like dog
being stepped on.
66
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Any noises I make, they come
from a very truthful place.
67
00:02:14,420 --> 00:02:16,288
I like to create a free
environment in the sack.
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Hey.
69
00:02:17,490 --> 00:02:18,457
What's going on here?
70
00:02:18,524 --> 00:02:19,924
I like his face.
71
00:02:19,993 --> 00:02:21,893
I want to punch, punch, punch!
72
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Beautiful women...
73
00:02:24,662 --> 00:02:26,430
you guys can say just about
anything, can't you?
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00:02:26,498 --> 00:02:29,200
So what are you doing here?
So, look, we've barely spoken
75
00:02:29,267 --> 00:02:32,003
since I almost impregnated you.
76
00:02:32,070 --> 00:02:33,637
You know, it's just,
it's this whole thing
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has just kind of
got me thinking.
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00:02:35,107 --> 00:02:37,441
Maybe this is just too intense,
79
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and we should stop.
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That's what you want?
81
00:02:43,180 --> 00:02:45,048
It's how I feel right now,
so, yeah.
82
00:02:45,116 --> 00:02:47,217
Oh... Coolio.
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00:02:47,284 --> 00:02:49,752
So he goes out with me.
84
00:02:50,820 --> 00:02:51,654
Oh, Nadia, I think that...
85
00:02:51,722 --> 00:02:52,989
I think that's a great idea.
86
00:02:53,057 --> 00:02:55,291
I mean, that's what
you want, right?
87
00:02:55,359 --> 00:02:57,526
Yeah. It's great.
Totally cool with me.
88
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Yay! We have fun.
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00:02:59,695 --> 00:03:01,763
I make him put on black shawl,
90
00:03:01,831 --> 00:03:03,832
pretend he's grandma.
91
00:03:06,069 --> 00:03:07,536
Fine, twist my arm.
92
00:03:07,603 --> 00:03:09,405
I'll go out with the
hot Russian model
93
00:03:09,472 --> 00:03:11,507
whose ancestors
probably burned down
94
00:03:11,574 --> 00:03:12,873
my ancestors' village.
95
00:03:12,941 --> 00:03:14,608
Something weird happened
to me today.
96
00:03:14,676 --> 00:03:18,614
I was at Russell's gym, and I
ran into his ex-wife Ouli.
97
00:03:20,182 --> 00:03:21,982
Jess, hi!
98
00:03:22,051 --> 00:03:24,252
- Ouli!
- Oh, that's a great swimsuit.
99
00:03:24,319 --> 00:03:27,021
Thank you.
100
00:03:27,089 --> 00:03:29,322
Wow, someone's been working out.
101
00:03:29,390 --> 00:03:30,924
You back's like a bag of ropes.
102
00:03:30,991 --> 00:03:33,093
Oh, mama.
103
00:03:33,161 --> 00:03:34,794
It was really foggy
104
00:03:34,862 --> 00:03:37,364
and I kept making eye contact
with her nipples,
105
00:03:37,432 --> 00:03:39,732
and then I panicked and I
invited her to dinner
106
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,000
with Russell and me tonight.
107
00:03:41,069 --> 00:03:42,069
- What?
- You did what?!
108
00:03:42,136 --> 00:03:43,303
It's just that, like, Ouli is
109
00:03:43,371 --> 00:03:44,570
like this looming presence,
110
00:03:44,637 --> 00:03:46,072
and we don't talk about it,
111
00:03:46,139 --> 00:03:47,273
and I don't know,
112
00:03:47,340 --> 00:03:49,542
I thought it would be,
like, good for us.
113
00:03:49,609 --> 00:03:51,444
- Everything okay with Russell?
- Everything's fine.
114
00:03:51,511 --> 00:03:53,212
I know it's gonna be
tense at first,
115
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:54,680
'cause Ouli's no
Russell's favorite person,
116
00:03:54,747 --> 00:03:56,815
but I grew up with
divorced parents,
117
00:03:56,883 --> 00:03:59,818
and I'm really good at
navigating these situations.
118
00:03:59,886 --> 00:04:01,653
- What did I do?
- Nothing!
119
00:04:01,721 --> 00:04:03,388
♪ Mommy's all right ♪
120
00:04:03,456 --> 00:04:05,156
♪ Daddy's all right ♪
121
00:04:05,224 --> 00:04:08,393
♪ They just seem
a little weird ♪
122
00:04:08,461 --> 00:04:11,096
♪ Surrender, surrender... ♪
123
00:04:11,913 --> 00:04:13,331
Don't tap-dance at dinner.
124
00:04:13,399 --> 00:04:15,366
Do you really think I would
tap-dance at dinner?
125
00:04:15,434 --> 00:04:16,834
Yes. I'm hiding
your tap shoes, Jess.
126
00:04:16,902 --> 00:04:18,543
- Absolutely.
- I'm with Schmidt. Don't do it.
127
00:04:18,804 --> 00:04:19,882
Hi.
128
00:04:19,925 --> 00:04:21,347
Hi. I'm sorry I'm late.
129
00:04:21,439 --> 00:04:23,007
- Hi!
- Hi!
130
00:04:23,075 --> 00:04:24,241
Hey, remember last time
131
00:04:24,309 --> 00:04:25,275
we were hugging?
132
00:04:25,843 --> 00:04:26,811
You were naked.
133
00:04:26,878 --> 00:04:27,945
That was weird.
134
00:04:28,013 --> 00:04:29,113
No!
135
00:04:29,180 --> 00:04:30,681
No, that's not weird at all.
136
00:04:31,149 --> 00:04:32,749
I have no problem being naked.
137
00:04:33,817 --> 00:04:35,184
- Hi.
- Hi.
138
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,888
How are the "quethadillath"?
139
00:04:39,456 --> 00:04:40,991
You know what?
I've actually never had them.
140
00:04:41,058 --> 00:04:42,425
Oh, the eye roll.
141
00:04:42,493 --> 00:04:44,060
Mm. Miss that.
142
00:04:44,128 --> 00:04:45,695
I didn't actually roll my eyes.
143
00:04:45,763 --> 00:04:47,330
I just needed to quickly
stare at the ceiling.
144
00:04:48,398 --> 00:04:49,865
Hey, Ouli...
145
00:04:49,933 --> 00:04:50,933
Mm...
146
00:04:51,501 --> 00:04:52,835
I love your name.
147
00:04:52,902 --> 00:04:54,169
Thank you.
148
00:04:54,237 --> 00:04:56,739
Or should I say, "grathiath"?
149
00:04:59,691 --> 00:05:01,458
Uh...
150
00:05:01,745 --> 00:05:03,045
Oh.
151
00:05:08,464 --> 00:05:09,920
- Well, this is fun.
- Yeah.
152
00:05:09,983 --> 00:05:11,784
It is.
153
00:05:11,819 --> 00:05:13,578
Should we get, like, eight more
of these, right?
154
00:05:15,029 --> 00:05:16,930
- I love this song.
- Oh, I hate this song.
155
00:05:18,841 --> 00:05:20,742
When we were on vacation
in Oaxaca,
156
00:05:20,841 --> 00:05:23,104
Ouli hummed this song for,
like, an eight-hour drive.
157
00:05:23,124 --> 00:05:24,419
Well, it wouldn't have
been eight hours
158
00:05:24,503 --> 00:05:25,448
if you hadn't gotten lost.
159
00:05:25,487 --> 00:05:28,037
At one point, we were just
following some donkeys.
160
00:05:28,141 --> 00:05:30,342
Oh, my gosh!
Look, it's food!
161
00:05:30,409 --> 00:05:32,544
- I love food.
- They were not donkeys!
162
00:05:32,611 --> 00:05:33,678
I can't even remember what
163
00:05:33,746 --> 00:05:34,779
we were talking about.
164
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It wasn't a road.
165
00:05:36,611 --> 00:05:37,746
For the millionth time,
166
00:05:37,783 --> 00:05:39,056
just because a road's
not on a map,
167
00:05:39,057 --> 00:05:40,214
doesn't mean it's not a road!
168
00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:41,340
Inside voice.
169
00:05:41,376 --> 00:05:42,493
You know what means
it's not a road?
170
00:05:42,494 --> 00:05:43,841
When there are guys in tanks
171
00:05:43,872 --> 00:05:44,901
telling you to turn around.
172
00:05:44,902 --> 00:05:46,236
Oh, come on! Those were
two kids in a jeep!
173
00:05:46,272 --> 00:05:47,449
Car gets stuck in the mud,
174
00:05:47,450 --> 00:05:49,168
and no, you could not move it,
175
00:05:49,178 --> 00:05:51,301
- Oh, here it is.
- Because, God forbid, you break a nail!
176
00:05:51,363 --> 00:05:53,117
I got one manicure, one time!
177
00:05:53,118 --> 00:05:55,353
I'm not doing this.
I'm not doing this!
178
00:05:55,392 --> 00:05:58,228
♪ Ouli's all right,
Russell's all right ♪
179
00:05:58,263 --> 00:06:01,565
♪ They just seem
a little weird ♪
180
00:06:01,852 --> 00:06:04,954
♪ Surrender,
surrender... ♪
181
00:06:04,992 --> 00:06:06,016
I'm leaving.
182
00:06:06,047 --> 00:06:07,529
You mean before you get
your "quethadillath"?
183
00:06:07,579 --> 00:06:08,612
That's it.
184
00:06:15,570 --> 00:06:16,971
It was crazy.
185
00:06:17,006 --> 00:06:19,040
There was, like,
serious heat between them.
186
00:06:19,069 --> 00:06:20,538
Does she still have
feelings for him?
187
00:06:20,586 --> 00:06:22,320
Maybe...
188
00:06:22,551 --> 00:06:23,500
Hey, Schmidt.
189
00:06:23,507 --> 00:06:24,389
What up?
190
00:06:24,390 --> 00:06:26,309
So, Nadia's excited
for your date tonight.
191
00:06:26,310 --> 00:06:27,086
I bet.
192
00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:29,102
Make sure, uh,
you use protection.
193
00:06:29,133 --> 00:06:30,693
She's a foreigner, Cece.
194
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:32,051
What, do I look like an idiot?
195
00:06:32,052 --> 00:06:34,573
Seriously, she doesn't even know
where she's been, all right?
196
00:06:34,613 --> 00:06:36,447
What, are we at Santa's
family reunion?
197
00:06:36,616 --> 00:06:38,975
'Cause the "clawses"
are coming out.
198
00:06:40,519 --> 00:06:43,154
The-the "claws" are coming out?
You know...
199
00:06:43,479 --> 00:06:45,113
You're being catty, Cece.
200
00:06:48,350 --> 00:06:50,858
Are you gonna let him
go out with Nadia?
201
00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:54,116
She was kicked out
of Russia, Cece. Russia.
202
00:06:54,356 --> 00:06:56,504
Come on, why don't you just
tell him you like him?
203
00:06:56,505 --> 00:06:58,078
It doesn't matter
if I like him.
204
00:06:58,113 --> 00:07:00,514
- It's over.
- And you're fine with that?
205
00:07:01,393 --> 00:07:02,961
- Yeah.
- Are you?
206
00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:04,556
Yeah.
207
00:07:04,631 --> 00:07:05,722
Are you?
208
00:07:05,754 --> 00:07:07,152
- Yeah.
- Hold up. Are you?
209
00:07:07,180 --> 00:07:09,591
- I am gonna kill you.
- But are you?
210
00:07:14,013 --> 00:07:15,879
- Hey, Nick...
- What?
211
00:07:15,908 --> 00:07:17,442
Have you seen
Shelby's cat Rummikub?
212
00:07:17,643 --> 00:07:18,777
I mean, he is the cutest.
213
00:07:18,805 --> 00:07:20,139
Just the absolute cutest.
214
00:07:20,245 --> 00:07:21,573
Hey take a look at this picture
215
00:07:21,574 --> 00:07:23,173
where he woke up on my face.
216
00:07:23,750 --> 00:07:24,951
Can't even see my face.
217
00:07:25,018 --> 00:07:26,352
I look like a cat man.
218
00:07:28,788 --> 00:07:31,057
No! No!
Get out of here, birds!
219
00:07:31,124 --> 00:07:32,991
Please get out of here,
you sky rats!
220
00:07:33,059 --> 00:07:35,560
Go back to Hell,
where you belong!
221
00:07:35,627 --> 00:07:37,062
Leave me and my plants alone!
222
00:07:37,129 --> 00:07:38,363
I need this!
223
00:07:38,431 --> 00:07:39,764
You know who loves birds?
224
00:07:39,832 --> 00:07:41,132
Please don't say it, Winston.
225
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,001
Shelby.
226
00:07:46,572 --> 00:07:48,772
So...
227
00:07:51,343 --> 00:07:52,776
How do you like America?
228
00:07:52,844 --> 00:07:55,279
I like salad bar.
229
00:07:55,347 --> 00:07:57,747
I like Despicable Me.
230
00:07:57,815 --> 00:08:00,451
Tosh 2.0.
231
00:08:00,518 --> 00:08:03,053
I like Connect 4,
232
00:08:03,121 --> 00:08:05,162
freedom of speech,
233
00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:06,840
David Fincher,
234
00:08:06,991 --> 00:08:09,792
uh... sidewalk.
235
00:08:09,860 --> 00:08:13,729
I like 1-800-SLIM.
236
00:08:14,297 --> 00:08:16,532
"Your Mama" jokes.
237
00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:18,468
Strawberry.
238
00:08:19,035 --> 00:08:21,683
Wilmer Velmavelma.
239
00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:23,719
Leon J. Panetta.
240
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:27,243
Ice skating for fun,
not to save life.
241
00:08:28,411 --> 00:08:29,539
What are you laughing at?
242
00:08:29,558 --> 00:08:31,125
Cheese. Is for mouse.
243
00:08:31,514 --> 00:08:33,075
Are you Mick Mouse?
244
00:08:33,151 --> 00:08:35,196
- Am I what?
- Why don't you get in your spaceship
245
00:08:35,217 --> 00:08:36,423
like Mick Mouse?
246
00:08:36,450 --> 00:08:37,591
- What are you talking about?
- Mick Mouse.
247
00:08:37,637 --> 00:08:39,871
- What is a Mick Mouse?
- Mick Mouse!
248
00:08:40,037 --> 00:08:41,737
I don't understand
what Mick Mouse is!
249
00:08:41,758 --> 00:08:43,689
- Mick Mouse!
- I don't under... I don't...
250
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,049
What does that mean?
What's a Mick Mouse?
251
00:08:45,060 --> 00:08:45,921
Mick Mouse!
252
00:08:45,967 --> 00:08:47,475
Are you saying Mickey Mouse?
253
00:08:47,497 --> 00:08:48,431
Yes.
254
00:08:48,483 --> 00:08:50,151
In America, honey, okay,
255
00:08:50,305 --> 00:08:52,538
Mickey Mouse, he's earthbound.
256
00:08:52,567 --> 00:08:54,168
Let's do sex party.
257
00:08:54,361 --> 00:08:56,661
I sex you in face.
258
00:08:56,713 --> 00:08:58,647
You're gonna sex me in my face?
259
00:09:00,723 --> 00:09:02,557
Well, fancy meeting you here.
260
00:09:02,781 --> 00:09:04,716
- Hi.
- What's up?
261
00:09:04,750 --> 00:09:06,200
Love the gym.
262
00:09:06,940 --> 00:09:08,406
You and Russell, huh?
263
00:09:08,451 --> 00:09:09,752
- Oh... God.
- Last night?
264
00:09:10,030 --> 00:09:11,022
Sorry.
265
00:09:11,107 --> 00:09:12,941
If we made you feel
uncomfortable.
266
00:09:13,045 --> 00:09:14,492
We just can't be
in the same room
267
00:09:14,499 --> 00:09:16,691
without wanting to rip
each other's faces off.
268
00:09:16,692 --> 00:09:17,978
Yeah... yeah.
269
00:09:17,979 --> 00:09:19,768
Well, as long
as it's, like, you know, faces
270
00:09:19,815 --> 00:09:21,782
and not, like... clothes.
271
00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:24,262
- You don't think...
- No.
272
00:09:24,329 --> 00:09:26,794
I'm just... it's my endorphins,
273
00:09:26,795 --> 00:09:29,142
'cause I'm just, like, so high
on endorphins.
274
00:09:29,143 --> 00:09:30,960
Yeah, because there's not
a chance in hell.
275
00:09:30,998 --> 00:09:32,431
I mean, he is all yours.
276
00:09:32,671 --> 00:09:34,138
All yours.
277
00:09:34,706 --> 00:09:36,074
Awesome.
278
00:09:36,141 --> 00:09:38,042
I mean, you know
what it's like with Russell.
279
00:09:38,110 --> 00:09:39,377
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
280
00:09:39,445 --> 00:09:41,211
I mean...
It's this roller coaster.
281
00:09:41,279 --> 00:09:44,081
It's like standing
on the bow of a catamaran
282
00:09:44,148 --> 00:09:48,151
blasted with spray
during a perfect storm.
283
00:09:48,219 --> 00:09:49,919
But you're...
284
00:09:49,987 --> 00:09:52,689
naked and...
285
00:09:52,756 --> 00:09:54,291
and you're on fire.
286
00:09:55,426 --> 00:09:56,459
You know?
287
00:09:56,526 --> 00:09:58,927
- Yeah. I do.
- Whoo!
288
00:09:58,995 --> 00:10:02,565
I'm just, like, "Russell,
put away the passion."
289
00:10:02,632 --> 00:10:04,666
And...
290
00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:06,335
show me a moderately good time.
291
00:10:06,403 --> 00:10:07,336
Yeah.
292
00:10:07,404 --> 00:10:08,604
Crazy.
293
00:10:08,671 --> 00:10:10,872
- So crazy.
- It's crazy.
294
00:10:10,940 --> 00:10:12,807
Russell.
295
00:10:20,175 --> 00:10:21,448
- Hey!
- What?
296
00:10:21,449 --> 00:10:22,617
What's with all the hammering?
297
00:10:22,653 --> 00:10:24,310
Whoa!
What the hell is this thing?
298
00:10:24,365 --> 00:10:25,431
This thing is creepy.
299
00:10:25,493 --> 00:10:27,494
Yeah, it's called
a scarecrow, okay?
300
00:10:27,562 --> 00:10:29,496
Birds keep coming after
my plants.
301
00:10:29,564 --> 00:10:32,131
Whatever you're doing, just...
stop with the hammering, okay?
302
00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:34,080
Because me and Shelby are
downstairs, right now,
303
00:10:34,081 --> 00:10:35,084
trying to make love.
304
00:10:35,085 --> 00:10:36,746
- Ugh! Did you honestly just say that?
- Well, dude,
305
00:10:36,747 --> 00:10:38,555
we're making love, man.
It's beautiful.
306
00:10:38,573 --> 00:10:39,940
Who have you become, man?
307
00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:41,540
I'm happy.
Am I not allowed to be happy?
308
00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:43,075
You're allowed to be happy,
309
00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:44,809
but it's really annoying,
the way you're doing it.
310
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:46,311
You know what I
don't care about?
311
00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:47,613
- Mm-hmm?
- Shelby.
312
00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:50,014
Oh, Shelby loves puzzles.
313
00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:52,918
Oh, Shelby loves donuts,
but hates donut holes.
314
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,453
Why are you hating
on Shelby so much?
315
00:10:54,521 --> 00:10:56,688
I used to be your Shelby!
316
00:10:56,755 --> 00:10:58,490
That came out wrong.
317
00:10:58,557 --> 00:11:00,391
I'm sorry, I didn't know
it was my fault
318
00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:02,527
that your life sucks
and you're so miserable.
319
00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:04,829
Look at yourself!
You look like one of those guys
320
00:11:04,897 --> 00:11:07,397
who crawls out of the grave
in the "Thriller" video.
321
00:11:13,237 --> 00:11:15,005
- I want you to git.
- Seriously?
322
00:11:15,006 --> 00:11:17,541
- I want you to git off my farm!
- This is a little weird, man.
323
00:11:17,609 --> 00:11:20,043
- You used to be my best friend.
Now, I don't know! - Talk to yourself, man.
324
00:11:20,111 --> 00:11:22,078
- So git!
- I'm gitten!
325
00:11:22,146 --> 00:11:24,114
- I don't need ya!
- Shut up!
326
00:11:32,121 --> 00:11:33,287
Hey, Russell.
327
00:11:33,288 --> 00:11:34,289
Mm-hmm.
328
00:11:34,857 --> 00:11:36,525
Do I ever drive you crazy?
329
00:11:37,092 --> 00:11:38,693
Of course not.
330
00:11:38,761 --> 00:11:40,295
Come on. There has to be
something that I do
331
00:11:40,363 --> 00:11:42,831
that just, like...
gets under your skin.
332
00:11:42,899 --> 00:11:44,465
No, I can't think of anything.
333
00:11:44,534 --> 00:11:46,367
Come on, Russell. Think.
334
00:11:46,435 --> 00:11:47,702
Think, think, think, think.
335
00:11:48,470 --> 00:11:49,504
Thin-k.
336
00:11:49,572 --> 00:11:52,306
That's annoying, right,
the way I say, "Think"?
337
00:11:52,374 --> 00:11:53,474
- Well...
- With a "K."
338
00:11:53,542 --> 00:11:55,809
Okay, Jess, um...
339
00:11:56,277 --> 00:11:57,645
Your eyes bug out a little
340
00:11:57,646 --> 00:11:59,247
- when you're trying to make a point.
- Yeah?
341
00:11:59,248 --> 00:12:02,616
Yeah. And you do this,
uh, squatting thing
342
00:12:02,684 --> 00:12:04,218
- when you're thinking sometimes.
- Yeah?
343
00:12:04,286 --> 00:12:05,886
Yeah. Don't love that.
344
00:12:08,156 --> 00:12:10,790
- Like that? Like that?
- Uh...
345
00:12:10,858 --> 00:12:12,592
Yeah, and I've never
actually seen both of
346
00:12:12,660 --> 00:12:14,528
those things together, so
it's not a favorite of mine.
347
00:12:14,595 --> 00:12:17,297
Is this just driving you crazy?
348
00:12:17,365 --> 00:12:18,532
Um...
349
00:12:18,599 --> 00:12:20,733
No, but it's not pleasant.
350
00:12:20,801 --> 00:12:21,901
You're not pleasant.
351
00:12:23,437 --> 00:12:24,970
You're not pleasant.
352
00:12:25,038 --> 00:12:26,472
- That's not nice, that's-that's...
- Yeah.
353
00:12:26,540 --> 00:12:27,806
- Not nice.
- No, it's passion!
354
00:12:27,874 --> 00:12:30,109
Oh! You hurt my teeth.
355
00:12:30,177 --> 00:12:32,044
Yeah, what you gonna
do about it, Russell?
356
00:12:32,112 --> 00:12:34,012
Uh, well, I mean,
probably nothing.
357
00:12:34,081 --> 00:12:36,415
You know, I hate this shirt,
I hate this shirt.
358
00:12:36,483 --> 00:12:38,684
Okay. Okay, you know, well
could you please... thank you.
359
00:12:40,752 --> 00:12:42,920
There it is.
There's the fire.
360
00:12:42,988 --> 00:12:45,256
Where you been hiding it, Rusty?
Where you been hiding it?
361
00:12:45,324 --> 00:12:46,657
I'm gonna, um, make some tea.
362
00:12:46,725 --> 00:12:48,093
Do you want some tea?
We have chamomile.
363
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:49,561
- No!
- Okay. I mean...
364
00:12:49,628 --> 00:12:52,163
oolong... oolong,
you want oolong?
365
00:12:52,231 --> 00:12:55,017
Ugh, I hate that you have
so many coasters! Why?
366
00:12:55,018 --> 00:12:56,836
- Well, it's actually kind
of a funny story... - Yeah?
367
00:12:56,934 --> 00:12:58,735
- Wow. - You just coasting
through life,
368
00:12:58,803 --> 00:13:00,303
- you coaster?
- This isn't good, not at all.
369
00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:03,194
You know, now-now I'm pissed.
What is this?
370
00:13:06,443 --> 00:13:07,877
Something's missing.
371
00:13:07,945 --> 00:13:09,313
I didn't know it
372
00:13:09,380 --> 00:13:11,780
until I saw you and Ouli
together the other night
373
00:13:11,848 --> 00:13:13,473
almost strangle each other.
374
00:13:13,496 --> 00:13:15,297
But then it clicked.
375
00:13:15,685 --> 00:13:17,353
I want that.
376
00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:20,425
I want what you and Ouli have.
377
00:13:20,464 --> 00:13:22,731
You want me to treat you
like my ex-wife?
378
00:13:23,574 --> 00:13:24,841
Who I hate?
379
00:13:25,495 --> 00:13:27,662
I don't know, I just...
380
00:13:27,730 --> 00:13:29,438
You guys have this spark,
381
00:13:29,469 --> 00:13:31,336
and I want that spark!
382
00:13:31,669 --> 00:13:32,611
You have to admit,
383
00:13:32,657 --> 00:13:34,902
you have this spark,
this passion.
384
00:13:36,088 --> 00:13:38,789
Passion's overrated, Jess.
385
00:13:43,211 --> 00:13:45,289
I knew we shouldn't have
gone to that dinner, I...
386
00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:46,793
I want to go home.
387
00:13:46,885 --> 00:13:48,152
Jess...
388
00:13:48,492 --> 00:13:49,930
Just...
389
00:13:50,021 --> 00:13:52,189
can you just take me home?
390
00:13:57,595 --> 00:13:59,125
Get in there!
391
00:13:59,780 --> 00:14:01,548
Useless.
392
00:14:01,592 --> 00:14:04,061
You... get...
in there.
393
00:14:04,138 --> 00:14:06,505
What is this, Martin Scorsese's
The Wizard of Oz?
394
00:14:06,557 --> 00:14:08,325
I'm sorry about what
happened on the roof, man.
395
00:14:08,534 --> 00:14:09,839
Apology accepted.
396
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:12,437
It's just... we used to be
miserable together, man.
397
00:14:14,031 --> 00:14:17,086
- We did have some pretty bad times together.
- We had the worst.
398
00:14:17,156 --> 00:14:18,607
Hey, remember that time
we pooled our money
399
00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:20,171
and bought that online
dating profile together?
400
00:14:20,201 --> 00:14:21,249
Yes.
401
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:23,804
The ladies did not care
for Ninston Biller.
402
00:14:23,912 --> 00:14:25,846
- Zero dates.
- Zero.
403
00:14:25,867 --> 00:14:28,669
I'm sorry that I can't
be happier for you.
404
00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:30,714
I don't really know what's
wrong with me, Winston.
405
00:14:30,729 --> 00:14:32,697
- You want me to tell you?
- Not really, actually.
406
00:14:32,758 --> 00:14:33,963
Okay, why are you giving up?
407
00:14:34,001 --> 00:14:36,202
If something doesn't work out,
what do you do?
408
00:14:36,298 --> 00:14:38,400
You make an adjustment,
you give it one more shot.
409
00:14:38,435 --> 00:14:40,903
- I mean, that's what I did with...
- Okay, just say it.
410
00:14:40,924 --> 00:14:42,191
- ...My beautiful Shelby.
- Shelby.
411
00:14:42,235 --> 00:14:43,716
See, why did you say,
"my beautiful Shelby"?
412
00:14:43,769 --> 00:14:44,690
It's so weird.
413
00:14:44,706 --> 00:14:46,707
Look, man, I just called her
out of the blue, okay?
414
00:14:46,739 --> 00:14:48,921
And then...
I was a different person,
415
00:14:48,969 --> 00:14:51,437
and she was a different person.
Now look at us, man.
416
00:14:52,083 --> 00:14:55,018
We're eating sandwiches and
making love to one another.
417
00:14:56,142 --> 00:14:57,843
Sandwiches and sex?
418
00:14:58,130 --> 00:15:00,231
I want that.
419
00:15:02,491 --> 00:15:03,924
Hey.
420
00:15:03,992 --> 00:15:06,672
How, um... how was
your date last night?
421
00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:10,015
Brief. Small man go to hospital.
422
00:15:10,399 --> 00:15:11,509
The hospital?
423
00:15:11,548 --> 00:15:13,096
- Is he okay?
- I don't know.
424
00:15:13,111 --> 00:15:15,815
I leave him there,
I go make bowling.
425
00:15:15,848 --> 00:15:18,516
Nadia... like, honestly,
what did you do to him?
426
00:15:18,537 --> 00:15:21,254
Well, he cry and cry.
It was so funny.
427
00:15:21,301 --> 00:15:22,735
Oh, my God.
428
00:15:22,849 --> 00:15:25,050
There's me!
429
00:15:30,165 --> 00:15:32,767
I really like what we have.
I thought you did, too.
430
00:15:32,834 --> 00:15:35,234
I do. I did.
It's just, Russell...
431
00:15:37,872 --> 00:15:39,672
Great. Just forget it.
432
00:15:39,740 --> 00:15:42,375
Yeah, that seems to happen
every time you're in this car.
433
00:15:42,443 --> 00:15:45,144
But there's so many buttons.
It's like...
434
00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:48,415
The Batmobile doesn't
have so many buttons.
435
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:52,083
Look, Jess,
I've already done the crazy,
436
00:15:52,151 --> 00:15:53,952
explosive passion thing.
437
00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:56,354
When I was with Ouli, it was
like edging closer and closer
438
00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:57,656
to a wood chipper.
439
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:00,959
I'm not looking
for that any more.
440
00:16:02,027 --> 00:16:03,261
I understand.
441
00:16:03,829 --> 00:16:05,631
But I am.
442
00:16:06,398 --> 00:16:07,598
And...
443
00:16:07,666 --> 00:16:11,036
I want passion...
444
00:16:11,103 --> 00:16:13,704
even if it's harder
and hurts more.
445
00:16:16,442 --> 00:16:19,044
So that's it.
446
00:16:19,111 --> 00:16:20,678
Good-bye, Russell.
447
00:16:27,085 --> 00:16:28,485
Well...
448
00:16:28,553 --> 00:16:30,387
Yeah.
449
00:16:34,125 --> 00:16:36,226
Oh, my God.
450
00:16:36,294 --> 00:16:38,127
Are you serious?
451
00:16:38,195 --> 00:16:40,896
How do you look this good
under fluorescent lights?
452
00:16:40,965 --> 00:16:43,600
I am so, so sorry.
453
00:16:43,671 --> 00:16:46,817
Okay? This is all my fault.
I thought...
454
00:16:46,903 --> 00:16:48,171
What happened?
455
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:53,142
Yeah, um... this
is embarrassing.
456
00:16:54,777 --> 00:16:56,144
I broke my penis.
457
00:16:56,212 --> 00:16:57,545
You what?
458
00:16:57,613 --> 00:16:59,114
I broke my penis.
459
00:16:59,182 --> 00:17:00,983
Things got... I mean,
just out of control
460
00:17:01,050 --> 00:17:02,217
with Nadia last night.
461
00:17:02,285 --> 00:17:03,215
And there was like
462
00:17:03,269 --> 00:17:06,704
this one moment where
it was just blinding pain.
463
00:17:06,746 --> 00:17:08,434
And then there was another
moment where I was like
464
00:17:08,491 --> 00:17:10,624
watching myself watch myself...
465
00:17:10,692 --> 00:17:13,461
I think I finally understand
what The Tree of Life is about.
466
00:17:13,528 --> 00:17:15,729
And I can't be certain of this,
467
00:17:15,797 --> 00:17:17,798
but I'm almost positive
468
00:17:17,866 --> 00:17:19,958
that Nadia's vagina
contains a right angle.
469
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:23,075
- I'm leaving. I cannot believe I came here.
- How are you upset right now?
470
00:17:23,270 --> 00:17:25,039
Cece, you ended this.
471
00:17:25,107 --> 00:17:26,460
I don't know what
you want from me!
472
00:17:26,475 --> 00:17:28,909
I don't want you
sleeping with Nadia.
473
00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:32,325
Are you crazy? I don't want you
sleeping with anyone.
474
00:17:34,815 --> 00:17:36,616
Because I like you.
475
00:17:39,453 --> 00:17:41,921
I can't just always say
what I feel, okay?
476
00:17:41,989 --> 00:17:43,688
It's just...
477
00:17:43,756 --> 00:17:45,724
Just, whatever, Schmidt.
478
00:17:45,791 --> 00:17:48,560
You like me.
479
00:17:48,628 --> 00:17:50,229
You like my personality?
480
00:17:50,296 --> 00:17:51,763
I was surprised, too.
481
00:17:52,831 --> 00:17:53,832
Come here.
482
00:17:59,871 --> 00:18:00,938
- Oh!
- Oh!
483
00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:05,630
- What happened?
- Oh, my God, why?
484
00:18:05,676 --> 00:18:07,243
Oh, what?
485
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:08,895
Oh, my God, my penis is
having a heart attack.
486
00:18:08,925 --> 00:18:10,448
- Don't touch me, don't touch me.
- Okay. I...
487
00:18:10,479 --> 00:18:12,347
- You gotta get out of here.
- All right.
488
00:18:12,406 --> 00:18:13,744
I mean, I'd-I'd like...
don't bend over!
489
00:18:13,818 --> 00:18:15,419
For crying out loud!
What are you, nuts?
490
00:18:15,486 --> 00:18:16,920
I'm sorry, it's the yoga pants.
491
00:18:16,987 --> 00:18:18,721
I'm sorry for this, but I...
492
00:18:18,789 --> 00:18:20,223
- I like you.
- And I like you, too, so much.
493
00:18:20,291 --> 00:18:21,925
Call a nurse,
call a male nurse.
494
00:18:21,992 --> 00:18:23,726
Probably a heavy-set
male nurse would be nice.
495
00:18:23,794 --> 00:18:24,466
Bye.
496
00:18:24,496 --> 00:18:27,349
Describe it to them as like a...
as a battered highway cone.
497
00:18:43,797 --> 00:18:44,964
Oh, hey.
498
00:18:45,282 --> 00:18:47,215
Hey...
499
00:18:47,283 --> 00:18:48,649
Caroline, how you doing?
500
00:18:48,717 --> 00:18:49,574
Good.
501
00:18:49,608 --> 00:18:52,505
Just... going to
use the bathroom.
502
00:18:52,580 --> 00:18:55,316
♪ For sentimental reasons... ♪
503
00:18:55,391 --> 00:18:56,859
- Caroline?
- Yeah, I know.
504
00:18:56,888 --> 00:18:59,422
I just called her, and then...
I don't know, it's...
505
00:18:59,443 --> 00:19:02,068
What are you doing? You guys had
such a terrible relationship.
506
00:19:02,125 --> 00:19:03,292
Are you crazy?
507
00:19:03,523 --> 00:19:04,927
Are you burning incense?
508
00:19:04,950 --> 00:19:07,151
Yes, I am, for ambiance.
She digs it.
509
00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:09,114
She digs it?
510
00:19:09,150 --> 00:19:11,185
Are you kidding, Nick?
What happened?
511
00:19:11,229 --> 00:19:12,795
What happened to
swearing off women
512
00:19:12,873 --> 00:19:14,498
and focusing on tomatoes?
513
00:19:14,536 --> 00:19:17,434
I can't grow tomatoes, Jess.
514
00:19:17,839 --> 00:19:20,448
I think this is what was
supposed to happen all along.
515
00:19:20,484 --> 00:19:23,219
Me and Caroline.
And I'm okay with it.
516
00:19:23,717 --> 00:19:24,828
I'm happy.
517
00:19:24,853 --> 00:19:27,265
That is pathetic, Nick.
You're just saying that
518
00:19:27,323 --> 00:19:28,457
'cause you don't
have the patience
519
00:19:28,486 --> 00:19:29,627
or the courage to be alone.
520
00:19:29,655 --> 00:19:31,671
I will never get
used to those urinals.
521
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:35,361
Hey, would you give me a second?
I have to talk to Jess for...
522
00:19:35,429 --> 00:19:36,604
Oh. Sure.
523
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:37,740
- Great.
- Okay.
524
00:19:37,815 --> 00:19:39,705
- Bye, Caroline.
- Bye.
525
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,953
See you in one second.
What is your problem?
526
00:19:41,982 --> 00:19:44,651
Have fun making
terrible life decisions!
527
00:19:44,679 --> 00:19:46,367
Oh, you just know
everything, don't you?
528
00:19:46,417 --> 00:19:48,084
- No, I don't...
- I'm actually so sick of you.
529
00:19:48,137 --> 00:19:49,938
I'm just really
disappointed in you.
530
00:19:49,950 --> 00:19:51,722
You know, maybe I'll be
more like you, Jess,
531
00:19:51,723 --> 00:19:53,925
and I'll go run into the
kitchen and make pastries
532
00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:55,160
- with sprinklies on them,
- That isn't what I do.
533
00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:57,361
Then throw some
dumb pajama outfit on,
534
00:19:57,429 --> 00:19:59,564
and then tell other people
how to live their lives!
535
00:19:59,631 --> 00:20:01,465
It's not a pajama outfit!
536
00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:03,801
- They're called pajamas!
- That's what I said!
537
00:20:03,868 --> 00:20:05,736
Nick, why don't you
go back in your room
538
00:20:05,804 --> 00:20:07,238
and put on your stupid flannel
539
00:20:07,306 --> 00:20:09,574
and keep not living up
to your potential!
540
00:20:09,641 --> 00:20:11,576
- You're a crazy person, Jess!
- I am not,
541
00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:13,210
I'm just saying things
that you don't want to hear.
542
00:20:13,277 --> 00:20:14,816
You know what I would
like to hear from you?
543
00:20:14,853 --> 00:20:16,017
- What?
- Silence!
544
00:20:16,046 --> 00:20:18,181
Well, I'm not gonna
be silenced!
545
00:20:18,249 --> 00:20:19,849
Just shut up!
For one second be quiet!
546
00:20:19,917 --> 00:20:21,685
- I'm trying to help you!
- Please be quiet!
547
00:20:21,752 --> 00:20:22,919
- No! No!
- I don't want your help.
548
00:20:22,986 --> 00:20:24,821
Stop making that face at me.
I hate that face.
549
00:20:24,888 --> 00:20:27,290
This is my only face!
I don't have a lot of faces,
550
00:20:27,358 --> 00:20:30,025
and if you don't like
looking at my face, Jess...
551
00:20:31,595 --> 00:20:34,296
then look at my ass!
552
00:20:35,632 --> 00:20:38,400
- Oh!
- Yeah! Get a good look!
553
00:20:38,468 --> 00:20:41,136
- Stop shaking your ass at me, you quitter.
- This is the ass of a failure.
554
00:20:41,204 --> 00:20:43,639
- You get a look.
- Look right at my ass.
555
00:20:43,707 --> 00:20:46,207
- No, Nick.
- You bought the ticket, take a ride.
556
00:20:46,275 --> 00:20:49,202
- Feast your eyes on my butt.
- I'm winning this moment.
557
00:20:49,218 --> 00:20:51,474
- You quitter. - Look at my butt,
it's going faster than yours!
558
00:20:51,574 --> 00:20:53,548
I have the fastest
butt in the land.
559
00:20:53,616 --> 00:20:55,383
- I got a faster one!
- No, you don't.
560
00:20:55,451 --> 00:20:57,385
- What are we doing?
- Stop looking at my ass.
561
00:20:57,953 --> 00:20:59,320
Oh, I'm gonna kill you.
562
00:21:01,185 --> 00:21:02,853
Quitter!
563
00:21:05,790 --> 00:21:07,892
You really think Nick is
gonna believe that a tomato
564
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,994
just sprung up overnight?
565
00:21:10,062 --> 00:21:11,228
Yes, I do.
566
00:21:11,296 --> 00:21:12,964
When it comes to tomatoes,
567
00:21:13,032 --> 00:21:15,867
no one in the world
knows less than Nick.
568
00:21:15,934 --> 00:21:18,301
- So how long you gotta ice that thing?
- Eight weeks.
569
00:21:18,369 --> 00:21:20,037
I mean, if I have
any excitement
570
00:21:20,104 --> 00:21:21,972
it's excruciating pain.
571
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:23,406
- Boobies.
- What?
572
00:21:23,874 --> 00:21:27,410
- Boobies.
- I love boobies...
573
00:21:27,478 --> 00:21:30,346
- Girls with clean hair. - Winston, this is
the least funny game we've ever played.
574
00:21:30,414 --> 00:21:31,875
Models eating sliders.
575
00:21:31,943 --> 00:21:33,958
Bernadette Peters on a high beam.
576
00:21:35,084 --> 00:21:37,951
- Freshly baked bread.
- Oh God.
577
00:21:37,999 --> 00:21:42,868
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