(June) I've always been someone Who can wear a lot of different hats,
Like here in apartment 23. (beeps)
Sometimes I need to be a mixologist...
Sometimes I need to be a teacher...
And sometimes I need to be the bearer of bad news.
What up? (sighs)
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but...
You decided to get a pixie cut?
What? No.
Oh, thank God. My heart is still racing.
Feel that? That's fear.
Well, what I was gonna tell you was... (bottles clink, cabinet closes)
Your plant died.
What plant? I hate plants. I don't have no plant.
Sure you do. You got one about a month ago.
I'm all about the environment. I fancy myself a tree hugger.
Oh, right. Ethan. He was my emergency contact for a month.
Well, I don't know how it died. I watered it all the time.
With water from your goldfish's bowl?
What goldfish? I hate goldfish. I don't have no goldfish.
(clinks) Ooh!
(chuckles) I'm all about the goldfish. Wanna have sex?
Weird fair. A lot of weird booths at that weird fair.
(sighs)
Well, remind me never to trust you
With taking care of anything of mine, Chloe. (chuckles)
Oh. What's that?
Mm. "Chloe, thanks for looking after my great-uncle in apartment 14."
"He needs his daily shot of insulin."
(siren wails in distance, police radio chatter)
(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch ♪
♪ but I can tell you ♪ (whispers) ♪ she's a... ♪
(buzzer) ♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪
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And we analyze companies' viabilities for inclusion
in long-and short-term mutual funds.
Ms. Berman, if you give me this opportunity,
I will show you how committed I am To Berman, Marks and Mathers.
Even though this is an unpaid internship,
It requires 7 days a week, 24 hours a day.
- Okay. - When I sleep, which is rare,
I don't have any pets, and my only hobby is
The seasonal raising of window box pansies.
- Stop it. - I will.
Excellent.
You will also be required to do a few personal things for me...
Pick up my dry cleaning, meet with my contractor.
How are you at giving haircuts?
Great. I'm great at it.
You start tomorrow.
- Burma. - Nice.
- Uzbekistan. - Awesome.
- Sweden. - Great.
Not a country. That's a crab.
Good for you! (chuckles)
You're so smart! (door opens)
I got the internship! (chuckles)
If I nail this, I'll be back in the game.
Of course, it's unpaid,
So there's that and working at the coffee shop,
But it's okay, 'cause I'm a great multitasker.
What... what... is that smoke?
Oh, yeah. There's a small grease fire in the oven.
What?! What? God!
You have to smother the flames!
Oh, my gosh! The whole place...
(coughing) could have burned down!
Well, I was gonna make a pizza, and then I passed out,
And when I woke up, I was like, "I don't make pizzas."
(laughs) She doesn't.
Chloe, you have to learn to be more responsible.
Do you not see a pattern here?
You see something that you want,
And then you abandon it because you get bored
or because you're too selfish to care about anyone else!
June, I'm interested in what you're saying.
Write it down and put it in the basket next to the toilet.
I'll get to it as soon as my busy season's over.
"Busy season." You don't even have a job.
In the span of 3 days, I make 70% of my annual income.
When the U.N. holds its general assembly,
I am the nightlife guide for dignitaries.
I know just enough of every language to drink
and dance with powerful men from all over the world.
It's a ton of work, and, frankly...
Me encuentra un peu bukan zhongfu.
Huh?
That means "I'm feeling overwhelmed"
In spanish, french, and mandarin.
I really wanted to wing some tagalog at you,
But I don't know the pluperfect.
Mm. (horn honks)
(indistinct conversations)
Oh, hey. You got the internship?
That's great. I know you really wanted it.
Yeah, I'm really excited, but it's gonna be a lot of work.
- I think Pepper's stealing coffee. - What?
It's, uh... hi. Pepper, hi. (chuckles)
Wednesday. Hump day. It's hump day, dump day!
(chuckles) (chuckles)
(dishes and utensils clinking) (sighs, lowered voice)
I can't fire her because we have a strict corporate dismissal policy,
And she's extremely litigious.
(lowered voice) Oh, that's right.
She uses the word "allegedly" far too often.
Um, someone allegedly ordered a pumpkin spice, no whip.
I've installed security cameras to catch her in the act,
So since I can't trust her,
I'm gonna need you to take on more responsibility...
Morning muffin deliveries, closing at night.
- Do you think you can handle that? - Absolutely. (chuckles)
The more I have to do, the better I get things done.
In high school, I maintained a 4.0 G.P.A.
While writing a musical. It was called "Kick it up!"
It was about an all-girls kickball...
So angry at her, I kinda don't care.
Ohh. Sorry I'm late. Things have been so crazy.
The general assembly convenes tomorrow,
So I had to rent a monkey.
Italians love it when I bring a monkey.
Italians.
Hmm. I said yes to a movie.
It's called "In papa's arms." it's gonna be amazing.
It stars the one and only Kiernan Shipka.
What are those words?
The little blonde girl from "Mad men."
She's the one actor I've been dying to work with.
She's got this quiet intensity.
She's like a... like a small, blonde Daniel Day-Lewis.
- Is the script any good? - No idea.
I just said "yes" the minute I heard Kiernan was on board.
Luther's reading it right now. He'll tell me what he thinks.
- You can have Luther do that? - Of course.
Luther reads all my scripts for me.
"She slams the door behind her,
Causing alex to get his hand stuck in the fondue pot."
(chuckling) "Alex... 'a little help here?'"
"fondue pot." I mean... "Check, please!"
This is quality television.
You can have Luther read you stories?
Yeah. He's my assistant. He does whatever I need him to do...
Eat questionable sushi,
tickle my forearm while we're watching TV,
carry me over puddles.
(girl) uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Okay. Thank you. All set.
You have drinks with the foreign minister of Panama at 9:00.
Then dancing and dessert with the ambassador to Myanmar at 10:00.
Fine. Now we just need to find an outfit that works for both events.
Panama likes it slutty, but Myanmar likes to keep it classy.
What... what's going on? (gasps)
oh, June. Great news. (thuds)
I thought about what you said,
About needing to be more responsible, so...
I got an assistant.
What? H-how can you afford that?
Oh, it's free. I got a foster child.
Molly, F.Y.I., we have a no flip-flop policy,
So I'm gonna need to see you in a closed-toe shoe.
Thank you.
(whispers) it's amazing! (door closes)
(whispering) What the hell? (slurps) You got a foster child?!
Yep.
I needed some assistant work during my busy season.
I figured, why not a kid that needs a home?
Now I know why people like kids so much. They're handy.
But you'll see. You'll see when you have one.
How did you do this?
I know, right? Usually you have to be on the list
for, like, a year, but luckily,
my friend special K. works in child services,
so she hooked me up.
You know, I don't tell her enough, but she's a great gal.
Molly, let's send her a cookie bouquet.
How about a smoked sable platter?
Outside the box. I like it. Let's do it.
Okay.
Chloe, this is insane.
This is beyond irresponsible.
You can't keep her.
You want to throw molly back out on the streets,
back to her junkie mother,
instead of taking her in and loving her
until she goes on to play college football for ole miss?
That is the premise of "The blind side."
This is my responsibility.
You won't even notice that she's here...
(lowered voice) Although she does play the french horn.
(chuckles) Okay. You know what?
It's fine. I don't care. You do what you want to do.
I have my own stuff to deal with, so...
I've got it under control. Now if you'll excuse me,
I have a very busy 72 hours coming up.
Okay.
Molly. Kimono.
Burka.
Sombrero.
Hello, Joyce. I picked up your dry cleaning,
I got your coffee, and I marked our quarterly report,
and it's ready for review and signature.
Walk with me.
Uh, yes.
(whirring)
I'm impressed with you, June. (keypad beeps)
I'm usually the last one to leave the office,
but I was in here late last night and saw you working.
Didn't you hear me as I passed?
I was wearing my sweater with the little bells on it.
No, I didn't.
I thought so. You didn't say bye.
My point is, I'm impressed with the dedication you're showing.
I want you to help out with the toy-con account.
It's a lot to slog through.
Think you can handle it? Absolutely. (chuckles)
I am a great multitasker.
(chuckles) Juggling is not just a fun pastime
That destroyed my wrists. It is a way of life.
Great. Oh, and by the way,
lot of compliments. - Oh. (chuckles)
(beeping)
"...Giving a new meaning to the term 'daddy's girl.'
Fade out." (exhales deeply) "The end."
Wow. It's the one version of body swap movie
that's never been attempted before...
Father and daughter. (sighs)
But can I pull it off?
I mean, I've never been a 12-year-old girl before.
I've had tons of 12-year-old girl fans,
countless stalkers, thousands of dreams where I was one,
But I don't know if I could become one.
You just need to prepare.
Like with any role, you have to be around a preteen girl,
Get inside her head,
And who better to teach you
than La Shipka herself?
Luther, clear my schedule.
We need to make cinematic history!
Sir, it has been clear for weeks.
(horns honk)
(sighs) ohh.
(door closes)
What's going on? Where's Chloe?
May I tell her who's asking?
- It's June. - June...
- Got it. - Uh, she's in Seattle.
The argentinean diplomat is a fan of "Grey's Anatomy."
Wait. What? She just left you here like that?
Unbelievable.
Oh. I'll get her for you.
(beeps) Hi. I've... I've got June.
(lowered voice) I'm putting her through.
(cell phone rings)
(beeps)
Chloe.
Hi. Who knew Seattle was so rainy? Brr.
What the hell are you doing?!
Um, working. My busy season?
You can't just take off to Seattle.
You have a child. You have responsibilities.
Um, that's why I have a child,
Because I have responsibilities.
- Molly, are you there? - I'm here, Chloe.
Can you extend my trip for a day?
I just need some time to myself.
Okay, do you want to be On the same flight back,
just one day later, or...
Figure it out, Molly. Bye. (beeps)
(sighs) ohh. (beeps)
This is the last thing that I need to deal with.
I have to go through the toy-con account,
and mark wants me to look over security camera footage
of Pepper weighing the beans.
Have you eaten yet?
Great. I'll just do it.
Mm. This is so like Chloe,
leaving you here eating chocolate for dinner.
Sorry. I shouldn't disparage your guardian in front of you.
Relax. I left my last home when "20/20" broke down the door
To do an expose.
This is like a slumber party.
I am so sorry. I think I saw that episode.
(door opens)
Ah. (sighs) I'm home.
Oh, Molly, did you intend to book me
at a hotel with the scratchiest towels
in Seattle, or was that a coincidence?
I-I'm sorry. (chuckles)
Hey, you're home!
(lowered voice) This is exactly what I didn't want to happen!
What, you not knowing how to apply eyeliner?
No. You abandoning Molly.
This is just like your goldfish or your plant.
As if I didn't have enough to do, you leave me with your kid.
Wow, June. Unbelievable.
I love how, when you're upset, she's my kid.
She's your kid, too, you know?
What?
Oh. I said we were lesbian co-parents.
Come on, June, you moved in the first day we met.
I bagged me quite the trophy.
Oh!
(door closes)
Of course I had to say we were lesbian lover co-parents.
They never would have given a kid to a single mom
who doesn't have an "official job."
How did you make me a co-parent with me knowing?!
Don't you remember When that social worker
came by the house to see if we were fit parents?
You mean that woman that came to interview us
for that apartment blog?
And over here is our bookshelf made of reclaimed wood...
Ah.
And this over here is our reading nook.
(chuckles)
We're in between cats at the moment.
That's why there's no fur. Mm.
So that paper that I signed was not a photo release?
That was you getting a foster kid.
That was the moment you got a kid.
- Anyway, it's a moot point. - What do you mean?
Well, now that my busy season's over,
I don't need the extra help.
Plus, she wasn't a great assistant.
I mean, every day between 9:00 and 3:00,
I could not get ahold of her.
Ohh. She was at school. You cannot fire your daughter.
Lord knows this is not the best time for me
With my job and my internship,
But we have a responsibility to Molly...
Hi. We were just talking.
We're not fighting.
Is... is everything okay? Do you need anything?
I-I need someone to make me a costume.
I'm playing the dragon in "Flower drum song."
(inhales deeply) oh, I would love to,
but I'm actually making a dragon costume
For somebody else. They just asked, so...
(sighs) (chuckles)
(horns honk in distance)
(whispers) what time is it?
Oh.
(lowered voice) uh, joyce. (chuckles)
- What? - Um... (chuckles)
- I-I was wondering if, uh... - I can't hear you.
Um, uh, I-I hate to... I hate to do this,
but I-I actually... - Can you hear her?
No, joyce.
You see? She can't hear you either.
Neither michelle nor I can hear you.
(normal voice) I hate to do this,
But I have something I need to go do at 4:00.
My daughter's in a play.
Daughter? You never mentioned you had a kid.
Okay. Uh, well, my roommate unwittingly signed me up
for a foster child, and she has a play,
and I don't want her to look out and see an empty chair.
Your roommate unwittingly signed you up for a foster child,
And she has a play, and you don't want her
To just look out there and see an empty chair?
June, June, June, June, June,
June, June, June, June.
June.
(doorbell rings)
Kiernan, hey. Come on in.
Thank you so much for coming.
Can I get you something to drink?
I don't really have any kid drinks,
But, uh, I-I could just give you some coffee.
You could sip it through a straw.
Sure. Thanks.
I heard, uh, Jon Hamm's really good at basketball.
Is that true? Is January Jones a robot?
Can I have your boots?
Chloe, Kiernan is here so that we can work.
Fine. Guess I'll just read a script or something.
"Check, please!"
That sounds fun.
All right. Have a seat.
So my agent called and said you wanted to hang out and study me?
Yeah. Yeah, since we're, uh, you know,
We're swapping bodies in the movie,
I just figured, uh, I should, you know,
kinda get inside your head and, you know,
See where you're coming from, get my tween on.
- Don't say that. - No?
Well, I-I heard it a lot at the Kids' Choice Awards.
I got slimed in '04.
(chuckles) That's so long ago.
Guys, listen to this.
Alex and jane are really nervous because the food critic
is coming to their restaurant on opening night.
Then Javier accidentally deep-fries a pair of glasses,
And they say, "Javier, you need to be more responsible."
That's exactly what June said to me!
I'm Javier, and Molly is the glasses!
Don't mind Chloe. She's totes cray-cray.
Don't say that either.
When June said it, I thought it was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard,
but somehow, reading it In this television script
by... These three jews, It suddenly hit home.
Sometimes, things don't click
Until Hollywood really spells them out for you.
- Ahem. - Ahem.
- Stop it. - Stop it.
- No, seriously. - No, seriously.
(sighs) (sighs)
(indistinct conversations, espresso machine gurgles)
Okay. Vanilla latte. That'll be $3.50.
Miss, please don't pour your coffee into the trash hole.
I asked "room for cream?" for this very reason.
Pepper, can I have a little help up here? I'm swamped.
No! (chuckles)
Pepper is not handling cash or coffee anymore, June.
You know that.
So is your daughter gonna be here all day?
Because there's kind of a policy... (sighs)
against employees bringing kids to work.
(sighs) I'm so sorry. I just... I couldn't find a sitter.
Hey, Robin. Can you please babysit for me?
No. Busy.
Don't worry. She won't get in the way. (mouths words)
Can you take off parental controls?
- No. - Can I buy "tiny wings"?
No. (bells jingling)
- June. - Oh! Look who's here.
(door closes)
First you flaked on molly's play,
and then I ask you to take her to jazz class,
and you said you would, and you did not.
Look, I thought about what you said,
and I don't just exist in a vacuum,
And I really need to take responsibility for my own actions.
Well, I... th... I mean, that... that's great.
I'm... I'm really glad that you feel that way.
Okay, so molly needs new kneepads
for her floor routine, so I'm gonna need,
Um, I'm gonna need a check for half of that.
No. I can't do it. I don't want to.
You! You! You have not changed at all.
It's one thing to realize that you're a parent philosophically,
But it's another thing to be a parent.
You need to commit to this. You are either in
or you are out, Chloe.
Oh. Then I am out. I didn't realize I had a choice. Thanks.
(cell phone rings) you...
(bells jingling, beeps)
Hello? Hi. Hi, Joyce. Hi.
I'm so sorry I forgot to e-mail you those toy-con documents.
I'm still at work...
What? No. No!
Look, okay, look, I know I have a kid,
But I can do this job just as... just as well
As any other employee.
No, I-I didn't know that michelle had
an inhospitable womb, but you know what?
I-I don't think it's fair that you reward her for that.
Ma'am! Ma'am, please don't pour that coffee down the hole.
Where do you think the liquid goes?
Joyce? J... (whispers) crap!
(beeps)
Is chloe mad at me?
Because I asked her if she wanted to roll calls,
and she said I'm not her assistant anymore.
Honey, no.
You're not her assistant anymore.
You're our... well... (chuckles) you're my child,
And you know what? You and I are gonna be just fine.
(sighs) That's too bad,
Because working for chloe was fun, and you're kinda lame.
You have a lot of rules.
Lame? You think I'm lame?
After everything I've done for you? (chuckles)
I mean, I spent 19 hours... (chuckles)
Sewing you a dragon costume, and, you know,
I just got fired, from my internship,
to go to your play.
(raised voice) I work two jobs to give you a life,
And no one cares... Not you, not Chloe,
not Joyce, not Lucky, Lucky,
sterile Michelle!
Would it kill anyone to say thank you,
To look over at me and say,
"June, hey, we see you, we see you, and thank you"?!
Your breath smells when you yell.
Your breath smells when you yell!
(screaming) Your breath smells when you yell!
Your breath smells when you yell!
Oh, my god. She's shaking her baby.
You sucked in "Flower drum song"!
You're killing your mother! Why?!
(gasps, panting)
- Oh, what happened? - Shh. Shh.
You blacked out.
You're overworked. You took on too much.
Did I shake our baby? Yeah. Yeah, you did.
- Oh, my God. Is she okay? - Don't worry.
I took care of it. I used the it's just beans
security footage of you shaking Molly
to prove to child services that you're an unfit mother.
You'll never be able to lead a girl scout troop
or sponsor a hungry child.
Oh, God. My baby.
Don't worry.
She's going on to a good, stable home.
I used my connections and hooked her up
with the ambassador to Morocco and his wife.
They've been trying to adopt for years.
Everyone who's ever worked on my desk goes on
to bigger and better things.
Wow. For once, you cleaned up your own mess.
Yeah, well, after I saw you freaking out at the coffee shop,
I realized it was because of something I had done,
and I do need to take responsibility for my own actions.
I guess you needed more responsibility, and I needed less.
I thought I could handle it, but I guess I can't.
(chuckles)
Remember when I thought I could take care of a plant?
Ha! (laughing) I couldn't even take care of a kid.
What am I gonna do with a plant? (laughs)
Ah. Molly.
- She really is gone. - It's so quiet.
Hmm. (sniffs)
(door closes)
You embarrassed me in front of Jenkins
At the business meeting today.
Oh, you're embarrassed?
You got my period during cheerleader tryouts.
I can never show my face at school again!
Do you think this is easy for me?
Do you think I like having to sit while I pee?!
Do you think I like having to make out with mommy?!
(sighs) Oh, my God.
Cut! This is a disaster! (buzzer)
(crew speaking indistinctly) what?
Well, I-I thought that was working pretty well.
How... how'd that feel for you?
Ohh. This is a train wreck.
I-I thought that was some of my best work ever.
I mean...
Hey, whoa, whoa. I'm still working on that, a-actually.
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