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00:00:00,430 --> 00:00:03,817
(funky disco plays)
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
2
00:00:03,917 --> 00:00:06,084
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
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00:00:06,152 --> 00:00:08,170
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
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00:00:08,238 --> 00:00:11,173
♪ With my new family ♪
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00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:13,375
♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪
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♪ And even a bear ♪
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00:00:15,345 --> 00:00:17,746
♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
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♪ It's true love we share ♪
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00:00:19,549 --> 00:00:21,600
♪ And so I found a place ♪
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00:00:21,684 --> 00:00:23,952
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
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00:00:24,020 --> 00:00:26,021
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
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00:00:26,088 --> 00:00:28,006
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
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00:00:28,074 --> 00:00:30,058
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
(chuckles)
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The Cleveland Show 3x18
B.M.O.C.
Original Air Date on April 29, 2012
15
00:00:33,279 --> 00:00:36,448
Johns Hopkins has a
world-class medical program!
16
00:00:36,533 --> 00:00:38,734
Villanova is America's
#1 tech school!
17
00:00:38,785 --> 00:00:40,953
Miami of Ohio has
hardly any black people!
18
00:00:41,037 --> 00:00:43,238
Donna, can we please go now?
19
00:00:43,289 --> 00:00:45,407
Being in school at night
is for janitors.
20
00:00:45,458 --> 00:00:46,792
I know, Cleveland.
21
00:00:46,859 --> 00:00:49,044
But Roberta is going to college
in a couple of years
22
00:00:49,112 --> 00:00:50,445
and I'm worried
about her future.
23
00:00:50,513 --> 00:00:52,698
You know, we could save
ourselves a bunch of time
24
00:00:52,765 --> 00:00:54,800
and just check out
the safety schools.
25
00:00:54,867 --> 00:00:56,335
(spits)
26
00:00:57,837 --> 00:00:59,238
Tufts good.
27
00:00:59,305 --> 00:01:00,138
Come to school.
28
00:01:00,206 --> 00:01:02,174
Major in fire.
29
00:01:02,242 --> 00:01:04,910
Hey,"Don't Ask, Don't Tell,"
how's the wars goin'?
30
00:01:04,978 --> 00:01:06,311
(chuckles)
Just kidding.
31
00:01:06,379 --> 00:01:08,046
Thank you for
your service.
32
00:01:08,114 --> 00:01:09,731
Would your son or daughter
be interested
33
00:01:09,799 --> 00:01:11,567
in a career in
the armed forces?
34
00:01:11,634 --> 00:01:13,352
Ha!
What are we, poor?
35
00:01:13,419 --> 00:01:15,020
(chuckles)
You funny.
36
00:01:15,088 --> 00:01:16,722
But seriously,
thank you.
37
00:01:20,376 --> 00:01:23,111
Hey, that's my
alma mater, State!
38
00:01:23,162 --> 00:01:25,380
(braying)
39
00:01:25,448 --> 00:01:27,349
(braying)
40
00:01:27,417 --> 00:01:29,368
(both braying)
41
00:01:29,452 --> 00:01:32,004
I take it you'll be attending
our homecoming this weekend.
44
00:01:35,375 --> 00:01:36,975
In spirit, but not actually.
45
00:01:37,043 --> 00:01:39,361
I promised my wife
I'd clean out the garage.
46
00:01:40,997 --> 00:01:45,300
(clocks ticking)
47
00:01:45,368 --> 00:01:46,768
(clocks cuckooing)
48
00:01:46,836 --> 00:01:48,370
(sighs)
49
00:01:55,011 --> 00:01:56,094
College night?
50
00:01:56,162 --> 00:01:57,996
I'm not going to college.
51
00:01:58,064 --> 00:01:59,298
Rihanna didn't go.
52
00:01:59,365 --> 00:02:01,066
Kim Kardashian didn't go.
53
00:02:01,134 --> 00:02:03,168
"Hide your kids,
hide your wife" didn't go
54
00:02:03,236 --> 00:02:05,070
and they're all
doing just fine.
55
00:02:05,138 --> 00:02:06,989
My parents is the same way.
56
00:02:07,056 --> 00:02:10,325
They be all, "Yo, Gabriel,
go to college like we did
57
00:02:10,393 --> 00:02:13,161
and become professors
like we are" and Shabbat.
58
00:02:13,212 --> 00:02:14,713
I'm like, "Blap dat."
59
00:02:14,781 --> 00:02:17,182
Yo, Ro, I wish I could
kiss you right now.
60
00:02:17,250 --> 00:02:18,283
Then why don't you?
61
00:02:18,351 --> 00:02:20,168
'Cause your 'rents just landed.
62
00:02:20,219 --> 00:02:22,587
Hello, Mrs. Tubbs.
Papa Smurf.
63
00:02:22,655 --> 00:02:25,707
I told him I'm Papa Smurf.
Kid's a moron.
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00:02:25,775 --> 00:02:28,310
Have a smurfy day!
A'ight.
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00:02:28,377 --> 00:02:31,747
Roberta, you need to start
thinking about college.
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00:02:31,814 --> 00:02:35,083
So, this weekend, you and I
are going on a college tour.
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00:02:35,151 --> 00:02:36,952
What?
I'm not doing that.
68
00:02:37,020 --> 00:02:38,754
This weekend is QUAMMPF.
69
00:02:38,821 --> 00:02:41,056
The Queercore Underground
Afrobeat Microhouse
70
00:02:41,124 --> 00:02:42,958
Memphis Soul Post-Metal
Folk Festival?!
71
00:02:43,026 --> 00:02:44,459
I don't think so.
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00:02:44,527 --> 00:02:47,195
19 teenage girls
got killed there last year,
73
00:02:47,263 --> 00:02:50,198
according to the CSI episode
that was loosely based on it.
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00:02:50,249 --> 00:02:51,983
I'm more of a Columbo guy.
75
00:02:52,051 --> 00:02:54,252
(imitating Columbo):
Hey, where's those criminals?
76
00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:56,054
Cleveland, go drink
some water and lie down.
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00:02:56,122 --> 00:02:57,839
I don't need no water.
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00:02:57,907 --> 00:03:00,425
As for you, young lady,
you most certainly are
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00:03:00,493 --> 00:03:02,711
going on that tour with me.
No, I'm not!
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00:03:02,779 --> 00:03:04,546
I'm going to QUAMMPF!
"L"? There's never any "L"s.
81
00:03:04,597 --> 00:03:06,348
The hell you are!
I don't need a college tour!
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00:03:06,416 --> 00:03:08,250
I'm not even going to college!
"Love's Labor's Lost!"
83
00:03:08,317 --> 00:03:09,451
Cleveland, turn that off!
84
00:03:09,519 --> 00:03:11,486
Roberta says she's
not going to college!
85
00:03:11,554 --> 00:03:13,021
Rihanna didn't go to college.
86
00:03:13,089 --> 00:03:14,756
Kim Kardashian
didn't go to college.
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00:03:14,824 --> 00:03:16,291
Cleveland,
those girls have talent
88
00:03:16,359 --> 00:03:18,427
and/or pornography
to fall back on.
89
00:03:18,494 --> 00:03:19,861
What is Roberta gonna do?
90
00:03:19,929 --> 00:03:22,981
Well, if she learns about shoes,
she could sell shoes...
91
00:03:23,049 --> 00:03:24,716
People need shoes...
92
00:03:24,784 --> 00:03:26,318
Shoes.
93
00:03:29,522 --> 00:03:31,857
Well, Larry, thanks
for running lines with me,
94
00:03:31,924 --> 00:03:33,425
but I blew the audition.
95
00:03:33,493 --> 00:03:35,527
You'd think they'd never seen
a naked 14-ye...
96
00:03:36,429 --> 00:03:37,329
Larry?
97
00:03:37,397 --> 00:03:39,064
Larry?
98
00:03:39,999 --> 00:03:40,899
Larry?
99
00:03:47,373 --> 00:03:48,573
Where are you, Larry?
100
00:03:48,641 --> 00:03:49,908
(clocks ticking)
101
00:03:55,098 --> 00:03:57,499
Larry?
Larry, where are you?
102
00:03:57,567 --> 00:03:59,401
(washer buzzes)
103
00:03:59,469 --> 00:04:01,737
Please, no.
104
00:04:03,389 --> 00:04:04,756
Please, no.
105
00:04:06,526 --> 00:04:10,095
(screams)
106
00:04:10,163 --> 00:04:12,898
What have you done
to Larry, woman?!
107
00:04:12,965 --> 00:04:15,200
Oh, I finally washed
that nasty thing.
108
00:04:15,268 --> 00:04:17,636
It was all covered
in dirt and sweat and drool.
109
00:04:17,703 --> 00:04:20,405
And peanut butter
and toothpaste and tears!
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00:04:20,473 --> 00:04:22,240
That was all part
of his essence,
111
00:04:22,308 --> 00:04:24,176
and you washed it away!
112
00:04:24,243 --> 00:04:27,512
(sniffs) I don't even know
who you are anymore!
113
00:04:27,580 --> 00:04:31,166
On the bright side, at least
you finally did some laundry.
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00:04:34,370 --> 00:04:36,705
I can't believe I can't
go back for homecoming
115
00:04:36,773 --> 00:04:39,941
just 'cause I have to clean out
the stinky old garage.
116
00:04:40,009 --> 00:04:42,778
(sighs)
Look what's happened to my life.
117
00:04:42,845 --> 00:04:45,914
It's all cleaning the garage
and flushing the toilet,
118
00:04:45,982 --> 00:04:48,350
and then it's off to bed
by a quarter to 10:00
119
00:04:48,417 --> 00:04:49,951
because if I don't get
nine hours,
120
00:04:50,019 --> 00:04:52,487
I can't walk or use my left arm.
121
00:04:52,555 --> 00:04:54,890
Of course, I wake up
a few times a night
122
00:04:54,957 --> 00:04:58,627
from my acid reflux.
(grunting burp)
123
00:04:58,694 --> 00:05:00,695
Gus, some bread?
124
00:05:00,763 --> 00:05:02,030
What's happened
to you?!
125
00:05:02,098 --> 00:05:04,132
My best days
are behind me.
126
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,334
Not like when
I was in college.
127
00:05:06,402 --> 00:05:08,537
I was the B.M.O.C.:
128
00:05:08,604 --> 00:05:10,872
Big Mustache on Campus.
129
00:05:10,923 --> 00:05:13,258
Here's that slice of bread
you asked for, Cleve...
130
00:05:13,342 --> 00:05:15,093
♪ ♪
131
00:05:15,178 --> 00:05:17,095
Hi...
(giggles)
132
00:05:19,899 --> 00:05:29,274
♪ ♪
133
00:05:35,198 --> 00:05:36,731
The answer is four.
134
00:05:36,799 --> 00:05:37,699
That is incorrect.
135
00:05:37,767 --> 00:05:39,768
Don't care.
College!
136
00:05:41,254 --> 00:05:45,073
ALL:
B.M.O.C! B.M.O.C!
137
00:05:45,141 --> 00:05:47,075
B.M.O.C!
138
00:05:47,126 --> 00:05:48,710
CLEVELAND:
B.M.O.C!
139
00:05:48,761 --> 00:05:50,411
B.M.O.C!
140
00:05:52,181 --> 00:05:53,815
My legs have gotten gross.
141
00:05:53,883 --> 00:05:56,518
Too bad you can't just take
Roberta on that college trip
142
00:05:56,586 --> 00:05:58,353
because then you could go
to homecoming,
143
00:05:58,421 --> 00:06:00,488
and that sounds exactly
like what you need
144
00:06:00,556 --> 00:06:01,556
to feel young again.
145
00:06:01,624 --> 00:06:03,375
Lester, that's brilliant!
146
00:06:03,442 --> 00:06:05,293
Gus, a beer for Lester!
147
00:06:05,361 --> 00:06:06,228
No.
148
00:06:13,269 --> 00:06:17,005
Donna, I'm taking Roberta
on that college tour.
149
00:06:17,073 --> 00:06:18,773
You better than I?!
150
00:06:18,841 --> 00:06:21,293
(laughing haughtily)
151
00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:22,661
I mean it!
152
00:06:22,728 --> 00:06:24,329
Look, Roberta doesn't want
to go to college
153
00:06:24,397 --> 00:06:27,315
because you're making it
sound like it's full of nerds.
154
00:06:27,383 --> 00:06:30,118
And when I went to college,
we hated nerds.
155
00:06:30,186 --> 00:06:32,537
Even made them start
their own fraternity.
156
00:06:32,605 --> 00:06:35,206
Now, I'm not gonna lie:
they did get their revenge--
157
00:06:35,274 --> 00:06:37,275
several times,
once in paradise.
158
00:06:37,343 --> 00:06:39,127
Nerds!
159
00:06:39,178 --> 00:06:41,346
But why would she listen
to you and not me?
160
00:06:41,414 --> 00:06:44,616
Because teenage girls
are subhuman parasites
161
00:06:44,684 --> 00:06:46,651
who must feast on their
mothers' misery to survive.
162
00:06:46,719 --> 00:06:48,219
True.
163
00:06:48,287 --> 00:06:52,223
After this weekend, I guarantee
she'll want to go to college.
164
00:06:52,291 --> 00:06:53,825
You know, Cleveland,
you're right.
165
00:06:53,893 --> 00:06:55,493
I don't want to ruin college
for her.
166
00:06:55,561 --> 00:06:57,295
She's all yours.
167
00:06:57,363 --> 00:06:59,965
Just make sure she goes
to her admissions interview.
168
00:07:00,032 --> 00:07:02,367
I promise.
Hey, Roberta!
169
00:07:02,469 --> 00:07:03,144
ROBERTA: What?!
170
00:07:03,169 --> 00:07:05,638
I'm taking you on your
college tour this weekend!
171
00:07:05,738 --> 00:07:08,406
The hell you are!
I'm going to QUAMMPF.
172
00:07:08,474 --> 00:07:11,776
So you can go
(bleep) yourself!
173
00:07:11,844 --> 00:07:13,428
If I could do that to myself,
174
00:07:13,495 --> 00:07:16,097
I wouldn't be going anywhere
this weekend!
175
00:07:16,165 --> 00:07:17,565
(laughing)
176
00:07:23,773 --> 00:07:25,907
Junior, what are you doing
bumping around?
177
00:07:25,975 --> 00:07:27,492
It's "this o'clock."
178
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:30,362
I can't sleep because Larry
doesn't smell right.
179
00:07:30,429 --> 00:07:33,932
He smells like Snuggles,
the gay fabric softener bear.
180
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,868
Just 'cause I's clean don't mean
I don't like it dirty.
181
00:07:36,936 --> 00:07:37,986
Hmm!
182
00:07:38,054 --> 00:07:39,838
A'ight, Snuggle.
183
00:07:39,905 --> 00:07:41,172
Man, look at yourself.
184
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:42,507
You're better than this,
185
00:07:42,575 --> 00:07:45,477
14 and still sleeping
with a stuffed animal.
186
00:07:45,544 --> 00:07:48,179
It's time you learn
to sleep on your own.
187
00:07:48,247 --> 00:07:51,650
Now get on that demoralized
mattress and go to sleep.
188
00:07:51,717 --> 00:07:53,852
I don't know
if this is going to work.
189
00:07:53,919 --> 00:07:55,186
Who will watch the door
190
00:07:55,254 --> 00:07:57,322
to make sure a black vampire
doesn't come in?
191
00:07:57,390 --> 00:07:59,224
Why you gotta
specify black, Junior?
192
00:07:59,291 --> 00:08:00,976
Look, I'm scared, okay?
193
00:08:01,043 --> 00:08:04,012
Shh-shh. It's gonna be fine.
194
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:05,513
Rallo will watch over you.
195
00:08:07,984 --> 00:08:12,187
(humming "Amazing Grace")
196
00:08:18,461 --> 00:08:20,428
Now, remember,
Roberta's interview
197
00:08:20,496 --> 00:08:21,529
is at 8:00
tomorrow morning.
198
00:08:21,597 --> 00:08:23,131
Donna, stop worrying.
199
00:08:23,199 --> 00:08:26,184
This is going to be the best
weekend of Roberta's young life.
200
00:08:26,252 --> 00:08:28,720
Damn right it is.
201
00:08:33,993 --> 00:08:35,260
(starts engine)
202
00:08:36,929 --> 00:08:38,546
CLEVELAND: Roberta, the first thing
you need to know
203
00:08:38,597 --> 00:08:41,049
about college is on this tape.
204
00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:43,518
("Two Princes" by Spin Doctors plays)
CLEVELAND: ♪ Yeah...♪
205
00:08:43,585 --> 00:08:46,104
♪ One, two, princes
kneel before you... ♪
206
00:08:46,188 --> 00:08:48,656
(burping)
207
00:08:48,724 --> 00:08:50,758
Roberta, give me that bread
out the glove box!
208
00:08:55,395 --> 00:08:58,113
This is it, Roberta!
College.
209
00:08:58,164 --> 00:09:00,749
Mm.
Back on cam-pus.
210
00:09:00,817 --> 00:09:03,786
Ooh, look. There's
a campus security officer.
211
00:09:03,853 --> 00:09:05,921
He has no weapon
and no legal authority.
212
00:09:05,989 --> 00:09:07,690
You can do anything
you want to him.
213
00:09:07,757 --> 00:09:08,724
Watch.
214
00:09:08,791 --> 00:09:09,842
Hey!
215
00:09:09,926 --> 00:09:11,677
Don't make me warn you.
216
00:09:11,761 --> 00:09:14,897
(laughs) How much you make
a year, fake cop?
217
00:09:14,964 --> 00:09:16,632
$65,000.
218
00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:17,766
(deep voice):
Really?
219
00:09:17,834 --> 00:09:19,802
(tower bell rings)
220
00:09:19,869 --> 00:09:21,003
See this, Roberta?
221
00:09:21,071 --> 00:09:22,805
This is the College Grill.
222
00:09:22,872 --> 00:09:24,707
We used to just
call it "the Grill."
223
00:09:24,774 --> 00:09:26,508
We'd say, "Meet you
at the Grill."
224
00:09:26,576 --> 00:09:28,343
Used to come in
for grilled cheese...
225
00:09:28,411 --> 00:09:31,597
...at midnight.
Can you handle that?
226
00:09:31,664 --> 00:09:33,465
Do you still serve
grilled cheeses here?
227
00:09:33,533 --> 00:09:35,734
No, the campus
banned trans fats.
228
00:09:35,802 --> 00:09:36,869
(deep voice): Really?
(bell tower rings)
229
00:09:36,936 --> 00:09:38,620
Yo, Ro.
230
00:09:38,671 --> 00:09:41,273
Wow, Cleveland,
you've inspired me
231
00:09:41,341 --> 00:09:43,041
to explore the campus
on my own.
232
00:09:43,109 --> 00:09:45,761
So... meet back here
in a day and a half?
233
00:09:45,829 --> 00:09:47,996
Uh-uh, nooo!
234
00:09:48,047 --> 00:09:49,882
I promised your mother
I would make you
235
00:09:49,949 --> 00:09:52,384
want to go to college
and get you to that interview.
236
00:09:52,452 --> 00:09:54,887
Now, let's check out
my old fraternity!
237
00:09:54,954 --> 00:09:55,971
Yay!
238
00:09:56,022 --> 00:09:58,807
Brew bros!
239
00:10:02,595 --> 00:10:05,380
So, I've decided
to kill myself.
240
00:10:05,448 --> 00:10:07,983
Is that why you
didn't buy any food?
241
00:10:08,051 --> 00:10:09,885
ROBERTA:
Kappa Alpha Kappa.
242
00:10:09,953 --> 00:10:11,954
Ah, the KAK house.
243
00:10:12,021 --> 00:10:14,056
Where my KAKs at?!
244
00:10:14,124 --> 00:10:16,008
Cleveland Brown, class of '92,
245
00:10:16,075 --> 00:10:18,911
Keg Return Chair, gettin'
your deposits back, y'all!
246
00:10:18,978 --> 00:10:21,647
The B.M.O.C. is back!
247
00:10:21,714 --> 00:10:23,549
Dude, get a load
of this lose-bag.
248
00:10:23,616 --> 00:10:25,784
Yeah, let's mess
with that scum-hog.
249
00:10:25,852 --> 00:10:27,019
College slang!
250
00:10:28,421 --> 00:10:30,923
Wow, you're the
Cleveland Brown?
251
00:10:30,990 --> 00:10:32,374
In pers.
252
00:10:32,425 --> 00:10:33,492
We hoped you'd come
this weekend!
253
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:34,760
I'm Brad.
254
00:10:34,828 --> 00:10:36,295
That's Murphy,
and this is Fart.
255
00:10:36,362 --> 00:10:37,146
(farts)
256
00:10:37,213 --> 00:10:38,080
Awesome.
257
00:10:38,148 --> 00:10:39,681
You showed up just in time.
258
00:10:39,749 --> 00:10:42,151
We're just about to choose
this year's coolest alum,
259
00:10:42,218 --> 00:10:43,852
or "Plum Alum."
260
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,488
And if you win,
you'll get your name engraved
261
00:10:46,556 --> 00:10:47,873
on the wall of fame
262
00:10:47,941 --> 00:10:51,376
where the most legendary KAKs
are immortalized forever.
263
00:10:51,444 --> 00:10:54,413
The Wall of Fame?!
Wow!
264
00:10:54,481 --> 00:10:56,081
What do I need
to do to win?
265
00:10:56,149 --> 00:10:57,416
You'll compete
against other alums
266
00:10:57,484 --> 00:11:00,469
in a series of events:
beer pong, keg stands,
267
00:11:00,537 --> 00:11:03,205
keg sits, keg squats,
beer pound...
268
00:11:03,273 --> 00:11:05,424
Easy! I could be
the Plum Alum!
269
00:11:05,492 --> 00:11:07,259
Roberta, you could see me
as Plum Alum.
270
00:11:07,343 --> 00:11:08,727
I got Plum Alum
in me, right?
271
00:11:08,795 --> 00:11:10,195
You do!
272
00:11:10,263 --> 00:11:13,632
You've got to go for it,
even if it takes several hours
273
00:11:13,700 --> 00:11:15,734
and you completely forget
about me.
274
00:11:15,802 --> 00:11:18,587
I'll just be sitting right here
on this gross couch.
275
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:21,240
'Sup?
276
00:11:21,307 --> 00:11:22,808
(laughs)
277
00:11:26,279 --> 00:11:30,032
Dude, I was this close
to sealing the deal.
278
00:11:30,099 --> 00:11:32,801
(sighs)
279
00:11:32,869 --> 00:11:36,488
Ba-blap, ba-blap.
Ba-blap, ba-blap.
280
00:11:36,556 --> 00:11:38,190
(quacking):
QUAMMPF. QUAMMPF.
281
00:11:38,258 --> 00:11:40,459
QUAMMPF. QUAMMPF.
282
00:11:40,543 --> 00:11:44,213
Finally, we can get
our QUAMMPFs on.
283
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:47,449
(moaning)
284
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:48,817
Gabriel?
285
00:11:48,885 --> 00:11:50,919
Professor and Professor
Friedman.
286
00:11:50,987 --> 00:11:54,723
(gasps): You convinced Gabriel
to come on the college tour?
287
00:11:54,790 --> 00:11:57,059
I bet you Rebecca Goldman
couldn't have done that.
288
00:11:57,126 --> 00:11:59,094
Maybe we are better off
with this one.
289
00:11:59,162 --> 00:12:01,096
Your parents
teach here at State?
290
00:12:01,164 --> 00:12:02,698
Why didn't you tell me?
291
00:12:02,765 --> 00:12:04,917
I can't keep track of where
everybody's professin'.
292
00:12:04,984 --> 00:12:07,653
Come on. We'll give
you the grand tour.
293
00:12:07,737 --> 00:12:10,455
Well, let's get
this party started!
294
00:12:10,523 --> 00:12:15,727
First stop: an introductory
linguistics seminar-izzle.
295
00:12:15,795 --> 00:12:17,396
Eh, Gabriel?
296
00:12:17,463 --> 00:12:18,730
Is that one?
297
00:12:18,798 --> 00:12:20,799
Yeah, that's one.
298
00:12:26,072 --> 00:12:27,689
♪ Brush 'em till they bleed ♪
299
00:12:27,757 --> 00:12:29,174
♪ Swallow down the blood ♪
300
00:12:29,242 --> 00:12:31,260
♪ Use some Listerine ♪
301
00:12:31,327 --> 00:12:32,761
(screams)
302
00:12:32,829 --> 00:12:34,930
Oh, yeah, I should
brush my teeth, too.
303
00:12:40,019 --> 00:12:41,703
Well, good night.
304
00:12:41,771 --> 00:12:43,739
My first night flying solo.
305
00:12:43,806 --> 00:12:45,774
Who's sleeping all by himself?
306
00:12:45,842 --> 00:12:47,075
Who's a big boy?
307
00:12:47,143 --> 00:12:48,076
I am.
308
00:12:48,144 --> 00:12:50,395
I'm a dangerously big boy.
309
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,314
Thanks for being there
for me, Rallo.
310
00:12:52,382 --> 00:12:54,650
Hey, you don't need
that jive-ass leopard
311
00:12:54,717 --> 00:12:56,251
when you got me.
312
00:12:59,489 --> 00:13:01,189
What the...?
313
00:13:01,257 --> 00:13:03,025
Junior's room?
314
00:13:03,092 --> 00:13:06,028
Ah, fool kidnapped me
from my own bed.
315
00:13:06,095 --> 00:13:08,196
Oh, my God, I'm the new Larry!
316
00:13:08,264 --> 00:13:10,065
Junior, wake up!
317
00:13:10,133 --> 00:13:11,333
Wake up!
318
00:13:11,401 --> 00:13:12,634
(grunting)
319
00:13:12,702 --> 00:13:14,937
I thought I'd have
to fall a lot further
320
00:13:15,004 --> 00:13:17,923
before I became a fat man's toy.
321
00:13:19,792 --> 00:13:22,260
(groaning)
322
00:13:22,328 --> 00:13:23,261
(slurping)
323
00:13:23,329 --> 00:13:24,429
Yeah!
324
00:13:24,497 --> 00:13:28,033
Yoga! Yoga! Yoga!
325
00:13:28,101 --> 00:13:30,352
Looks like we
have a winner!
326
00:13:30,403 --> 00:13:31,853
CROWD (chanting):
Plum Alum! Plum Alum!
327
00:13:31,904 --> 00:13:34,673
I'm fine to drive.
328
00:13:36,943 --> 00:13:40,162
Thanks for the tour,
Mr. and Mrs. Professor Friedman.
329
00:13:40,229 --> 00:13:43,248
We better get started on all
this homework you've given us,
330
00:13:43,333 --> 00:13:45,484
even though we don't know
who to turn it in to.
331
00:13:45,551 --> 00:13:47,135
Eh, rip it up
when you're done.
332
00:13:47,203 --> 00:13:50,188
It's just busywork to keep
your ding-dong in your pants.
333
00:13:50,256 --> 00:13:52,224
Well, we better
hurry home.
334
00:13:52,291 --> 00:13:54,026
It's sundown somewhere.
335
00:13:54,093 --> 00:13:55,944
(both laugh)
336
00:13:59,649 --> 00:14:01,183
To the Blapmobile!
337
00:14:03,636 --> 00:14:05,771
I did it!
338
00:14:05,838 --> 00:14:08,540
Wait. Why am I on a donkey?
339
00:14:08,608 --> 00:14:11,410
Ladies and gentlemen,
we present to you
340
00:14:11,477 --> 00:14:13,845
this year's Dumb Alum...
341
00:14:13,913 --> 00:14:15,280
Plum Alum.
342
00:14:15,348 --> 00:14:17,916
No, Dumb Alum.
343
00:14:17,984 --> 00:14:20,318
You dirty
double crossers!
344
00:14:23,022 --> 00:14:24,139
Roberta!
345
00:14:24,207 --> 00:14:25,207
Help me!
346
00:14:25,274 --> 00:14:26,291
(tires screeching)
347
00:14:26,359 --> 00:14:27,959
Cleveland Brown, everybody.
348
00:14:28,027 --> 00:14:30,195
An ass tied to an ass.
349
00:14:30,263 --> 00:14:32,764
CROWD (chanting):
Ass to ass! Ass to ass! (farting)
350
00:14:32,832 --> 00:14:34,099
No!
351
00:14:34,167 --> 00:14:37,102
It's never good
when I hear that chant.
352
00:14:37,170 --> 00:14:40,422
Ass to ass! Ass to ass!
353
00:14:40,473 --> 00:14:41,807
Ass to ass!
354
00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:45,526
(rock music playing)
355
00:14:45,594 --> 00:14:48,295
(crowd cheering)
356
00:14:51,500 --> 00:14:53,634
(whimpering)
357
00:14:54,803 --> 00:14:56,403
This is QUAMMPF?
358
00:14:56,471 --> 00:14:58,139
This is no better
than QUEEMPF.
359
00:14:58,206 --> 00:14:59,773
The all-female QUAMMPF?
360
00:14:59,841 --> 00:15:02,476
Hey, those are the guys
from Cleveland's frat house.
361
00:15:02,544 --> 00:15:03,944
What are y'all doing here?
362
00:15:04,012 --> 00:15:05,346
It's QUAMMPF.
363
00:15:05,413 --> 00:15:07,848
Every college kid has to go
to every event ever.
364
00:15:07,899 --> 00:15:09,283
Where's Cleveland?
365
00:15:09,351 --> 00:15:10,568
(all laughing)
(farting)
366
00:15:10,635 --> 00:15:12,603
Nah, we duct-taped him
to a donkey,
367
00:15:12,671 --> 00:15:14,205
then sent him off
into the woods.
368
00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:16,040
(all laughing)
(farting)
369
00:15:16,107 --> 00:15:17,074
at sounds dangerous.
370
00:15:17,142 --> 00:15:18,309
Is he all right?
371
00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:19,443
Calm down,
pelvic bone.
372
00:15:19,511 --> 00:15:21,045
He'll be fine.
373
00:15:21,112 --> 00:15:23,714
Yeah, so why don't you send
Malibu's Most Wanted here
374
00:15:23,782 --> 00:15:25,816
back to high school
and party with us tonight?
375
00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:26,951
(groans)
376
00:15:27,018 --> 00:15:28,986
(scoffs)
I don't think so.
377
00:15:29,054 --> 00:15:30,788
I'm going to go
find Cleveland.
378
00:15:30,856 --> 00:15:32,106
Maybe he's in your shirt.
379
00:15:32,174 --> 00:15:33,591
How about I take a look?
380
00:15:33,675 --> 00:15:35,209
Keep your hizzles
off my tizzles!
381
00:15:35,260 --> 00:15:36,243
Oh!
382
00:15:36,311 --> 00:15:38,245
Stay down, Fed.
383
00:15:38,313 --> 00:15:39,513
I was going to.
384
00:15:39,581 --> 00:15:40,898
(neck cracks)
385
00:15:40,982 --> 00:15:42,299
(breasts crack)
386
00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:51,825
(farts)
387
00:15:51,893 --> 00:15:52,910
(grunts)
388
00:15:52,978 --> 00:15:54,061
Where is he?
389
00:15:54,112 --> 00:15:56,113
North end of the woods,
just off campus!
390
00:15:56,198 --> 00:15:57,381
(groaning)
391
00:15:57,449 --> 00:15:59,516
(British accent):
You'll be sorry!
392
00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:01,518
I'm a prince!
393
00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:04,788
(farting)
394
00:16:09,461 --> 00:16:10,461
(grunts)
395
00:16:10,528 --> 00:16:11,962
Come on, Junior. Wake up!
396
00:16:12,030 --> 00:16:14,632
Wake up! Wake up!
397
00:16:14,699 --> 00:16:16,183
(snoring)
398
00:16:16,251 --> 00:16:17,418
Breakfast.
399
00:16:17,485 --> 00:16:18,702
Breakfast?
400
00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:20,204
Finally.
(sighs)
401
00:16:20,272 --> 00:16:21,805
Morning, sunshine!
402
00:16:21,873 --> 00:16:24,842
Another great night of sleep
without Larry the Leopard.
403
00:16:24,910 --> 00:16:26,477
Yeah, 'cause I was Larry!
404
00:16:26,544 --> 00:16:28,712
You grabbed me out of my bed
while I slept!
405
00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:30,714
I was feeling a little lonely.
406
00:16:30,782 --> 00:16:32,917
Wait a minute.
What are these pajamas?
407
00:16:32,984 --> 00:16:34,368
Oh, those are Larry's.
408
00:16:34,436 --> 00:16:35,536
Thought you'd look cute.
409
00:16:35,604 --> 00:16:36,704
And I was right!
410
00:16:36,771 --> 00:16:37,805
(giggles)
411
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:39,773
Well, that explains
the tail hole.
412
00:16:39,841 --> 00:16:41,909
But you can't just
replace Larry with me!
413
00:16:41,977 --> 00:16:43,510
Rallo, I really don't
need your permission.
414
00:16:43,578 --> 00:16:44,845
What?
415
00:16:44,913 --> 00:16:48,382
You weigh 30 pounds,
and me-- I'm a behemoth.
416
00:16:48,450 --> 00:16:50,284
I'll just throw you
over my shoulder.
417
00:16:50,352 --> 00:16:51,619
Well, I'll
sneak away.
418
00:16:51,686 --> 00:16:52,886
I'll come get you again.
419
00:16:52,954 --> 00:16:54,355
I'll tell Mom!
420
00:16:54,422 --> 00:16:56,724
DONNA (in distance):
I've got my own problems!
421
00:16:58,626 --> 00:17:03,097
Cleveland! Cleveland!
422
00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:05,316
This weekend's
been a disaster.
423
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,985
Let's never set foot on
a college campus again.
424
00:17:08,069 --> 00:17:09,653
Well, I don't know.
425
00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:11,155
That art history lecture
426
00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:13,424
your parents took us to
was pretty cool.
427
00:17:13,491 --> 00:17:14,441
Oh, wow.
428
00:17:14,509 --> 00:17:15,943
Brain freeze.
429
00:17:16,011 --> 00:17:17,578
You actually thinking
about going to college?
430
00:17:17,646 --> 00:17:19,563
Well, maybe.
431
00:17:19,631 --> 00:17:21,699
(whimpering)
432
00:17:21,783 --> 00:17:22,783
Cleveland!
433
00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:24,285
Are you okay?
434
00:17:24,336 --> 00:17:27,988
Roberta, I have taken
this beast as my bride.
435
00:17:28,039 --> 00:17:29,623
Her name is Susan.
436
00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:31,342
We are Democrats.
437
00:17:31,409 --> 00:17:32,543
All right,
we found him.
438
00:17:32,610 --> 00:17:34,178
Let's go home.
No way.
439
00:17:34,245 --> 00:17:35,813
I got to get to my interview.
440
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:36,947
What?! Why?!
441
00:17:37,015 --> 00:17:38,482
Listen, Federline.
442
00:17:38,550 --> 00:17:41,485
I get good grades, and I haven't
even told my mom this yet,
443
00:17:41,553 --> 00:17:44,722
but I was in the 98th percentile
for the PSATs.
444
00:17:44,789 --> 00:17:46,690
You aced the prostate exam, too?
445
00:17:46,758 --> 00:17:48,926
How comes you never told me
you were smart?
446
00:17:48,994 --> 00:17:51,528
Because I don't want to go
around telling the whole world
447
00:17:51,596 --> 00:17:54,164
I'm a genius
like James Franco.
448
00:17:54,232 --> 00:17:56,467
And I guess I do
want to go to college.
449
00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:58,302
Now, let's get
to that interview.
450
00:17:58,370 --> 00:18:01,038
You ain't never going to
get there by 8:00 a.m., Ro.
451
00:18:01,106 --> 00:18:04,942
This smells very bad.
452
00:18:06,161 --> 00:18:08,245
We're gonna make it.
453
00:18:08,313 --> 00:18:09,630
Yah!
454
00:18:17,355 --> 00:18:19,340
(brays loudly)
455
00:18:19,391 --> 00:18:20,758
CLEVELAND:
Ah! Branches!
456
00:18:20,842 --> 00:18:21,809
Thorns!
457
00:18:21,876 --> 00:18:23,344
Sedimentary rocks!
458
00:18:23,395 --> 00:18:25,145
Geology minor.
459
00:18:37,392 --> 00:18:39,927
(brays loudly)
460
00:18:39,994 --> 00:18:42,029
I'm Roberta Tubbs.
461
00:18:42,097 --> 00:18:45,949
And I am here, on time,
for my interview.
462
00:18:46,017 --> 00:18:47,584
Hi.
463
00:18:49,504 --> 00:18:52,639
Mama, if you need me, I'll be
staying at the Holiday Inn.
464
00:18:52,707 --> 00:18:55,142
Smart. Get those
midweek rates.
465
00:18:55,210 --> 00:18:57,111
Wait, is this about
you and Junior?
466
00:18:57,178 --> 00:18:58,879
You don't understand
what it's like
467
00:18:58,947 --> 00:19:02,282
to have a sweaty fat guy
smother you all night long.
468
00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:05,552
Oh, I do, but I don't get
to go to the Holiday Inn.
469
00:19:05,620 --> 00:19:08,555
We don't run from our problems
in this family.
470
00:19:08,623 --> 00:19:09,857
We trick people.
471
00:19:09,924 --> 00:19:11,091
I'm listening.
472
00:19:12,260 --> 00:19:14,795
Bing-bong. I'll get it.
473
00:19:14,863 --> 00:19:17,414
Well, what have we here?
474
00:19:17,482 --> 00:19:18,715
A leopard.
475
00:19:18,783 --> 00:19:21,318
If that's Larry,
tell him I moved on.
476
00:19:21,386 --> 00:19:22,920
It's not. Look.
477
00:19:22,987 --> 00:19:25,622
The poor thing only has one eye.
478
00:19:25,690 --> 00:19:27,040
Well, who is it?
479
00:19:27,108 --> 00:19:28,859
There's a note.
480
00:19:28,927 --> 00:19:32,729
"I had to go because
I don't smell right anymore.
481
00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:34,982
"Please take care
of my one-eyed son,
482
00:19:35,049 --> 00:19:37,117
"who likes to be held
when he sleeps.
483
00:19:37,185 --> 00:19:39,253
Love, Larry the Leopard."
484
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:42,689
I guess I could look after him,
even though I have zero years
485
00:19:42,757 --> 00:19:44,658
of stuffed leopard
caretaking experience.
486
00:19:44,726 --> 00:19:46,827
I'll just stick him
in front of the TV
487
00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:48,195
with a bowl
of chocolate milk.
488
00:19:48,263 --> 00:19:49,463
No!
489
00:19:49,531 --> 00:19:51,465
Leopards can't metabolize
chocolate.
490
00:19:51,533 --> 00:19:53,300
And at his age, he should watch
491
00:19:53,368 --> 00:19:55,702
no more than a half-hour
of TV a day!
492
00:19:55,770 --> 00:19:58,272
Well, in that case,
maybe I'll just drown him.
493
00:19:58,323 --> 00:19:59,823
Larry the Leopard
Junior, no!
494
00:20:00,554 --> 00:20:04,023
Oh, wow, we're both Juniors.
495
00:20:04,091 --> 00:20:05,458
(giggles)
496
00:20:05,526 --> 00:20:07,293
I'll keep you safe.
497
00:20:07,361 --> 00:20:10,062
Let me tell you some stories
about your dad.
498
00:20:10,130 --> 00:20:13,633
He was a great friend
before he lost his stink.
499
00:20:13,700 --> 00:20:15,434
But that won't happen to you.
500
00:20:15,502 --> 00:20:19,005
I'm gonna stink
you up real good.
501
00:20:19,072 --> 00:20:23,209
Any day he doesn't snap
and kill us all is a victory.
502
00:20:25,966 --> 00:20:28,518
I just got off the phone
with the admissions officer.
503
00:20:28,586 --> 00:20:30,186
They loved you!
504
00:20:30,254 --> 00:20:31,621
Well, yeah.
505
00:20:31,689 --> 00:20:34,290
I told them about my passion
for higher education,
506
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:36,059
which I discovered on the trip.
507
00:20:36,126 --> 00:20:37,460
Mm?
508
00:20:37,528 --> 00:20:39,929
And they were impressed
by my ability
509
00:20:39,997 --> 00:20:43,466
to care for my mentally
incapacitated stepfather.
510
00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:44,867
Mm?
511
00:20:44,935 --> 00:20:47,503
So, does this mean you
might want to go to State?
512
00:20:47,571 --> 00:20:50,066
State?! That Podunk school?!
513
00:20:50,071 --> 00:20:52,958
Where I'm going is gonna cost
way more than that.
514
00:20:53,191 --> 00:20:54,725
BOTH:
Really?
515
00:20:54,792 --> 00:20:56,660
== sync, corrected by elderman ==