1
00:00:03,859 --> 00:00:05,076
All right, just one more beer,
2
00:00:05,078 --> 00:00:06,745
and then I need
to get home and help Molly
3
00:00:06,747 --> 00:00:08,079
with last-minute
wedding stuff.
4
00:00:08,081 --> 00:00:09,998
What about helping me
with the bachelor party?
5
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,700
I'm tired of you making
this whole wedding
6
00:00:11,702 --> 00:00:12,851
about you and Molly.
7
00:00:14,370 --> 00:00:16,070
Now, time
for the tough questions.
8
00:00:16,072 --> 00:00:19,291
Number one: Topless or all-nude?
9
00:00:19,293 --> 00:00:21,710
Whatever, I just don't want
to get dragged onstage
10
00:00:21,712 --> 00:00:23,044
by three girls named Cinnamon
11
00:00:23,046 --> 00:00:26,047
so they can play
"let's humiliate the fat guy."
12
00:00:26,882 --> 00:00:28,249
Hey, it's not humiliating.
13
00:00:28,251 --> 00:00:29,968
They just take your shirt off,
strap you to a chair,
14
00:00:29,970 --> 00:00:32,253
and rub their oily butts
in your face.
15
00:00:33,105 --> 00:00:35,040
Don't read too much into this,
16
00:00:35,042 --> 00:00:37,442
but I had a very similar
experience at boy scout camp
17
00:00:37,444 --> 00:00:40,395
and that wasn't at all sexy.
18
00:00:40,397 --> 00:00:41,896
Noted.
19
00:00:41,898 --> 00:00:44,199
So you're probably gonna want
one of the classier places...
20
00:00:44,201 --> 00:00:47,452
not too near the railroad tracks
or a mental institution.
21
00:00:47,454 --> 00:00:49,321
Exactly... maybe one
that provides a limo service
22
00:00:49,323 --> 00:00:50,488
so we can all drink.
23
00:00:50,490 --> 00:00:52,123
No, no, the places
that offer the free shuttles
24
00:00:52,125 --> 00:00:53,708
are usually desperate
for customers,
25
00:00:53,710 --> 00:00:57,762
so I'm guessing those girls are
probably all-nude and half-dude.
26
00:00:59,582 --> 00:01:02,300
Well, we don't want
to spin that wheel.
27
00:01:02,302 --> 00:01:03,635
No, we don't.
28
00:01:03,637 --> 00:01:05,220
It's hard to enjoy bonding
with your buddies
29
00:01:05,222 --> 00:01:08,807
when you got some he-she shaking
her furry gonads in your face.
30
00:01:09,608 --> 00:01:13,678
Again, boy scout camp.
31
00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:16,314
Okay, so no he-shes and
we rent our own limo,
32
00:01:16,316 --> 00:01:19,584
but keep in mind, the all-nude
joints do not serve alcohol.
33
00:01:19,586 --> 00:01:20,685
We're definitely
gonna want booze.
34
00:01:20,687 --> 00:01:21,770
It is my bachelor party.
35
00:01:21,772 --> 00:01:23,021
Absolutely.
36
00:01:23,023 --> 00:01:24,138
'Cause when you're
pleasantly buzzed,
37
00:01:24,140 --> 00:01:26,691
a strip club is
like an erotic sexual playpen.
38
00:01:26,693 --> 00:01:29,044
Stone-cold sober, and you're
just a dirty freak paying
39
00:01:29,046 --> 00:01:30,528
an unwed mother
to smack you around
40
00:01:30,530 --> 00:01:32,980
with her silicone funbags.
41
00:01:34,149 --> 00:01:36,034
Well, if the father
of the groom gets a vote,
44
00:01:43,542 --> 00:01:47,879
♪ For the first time
in my life ♪
45
00:01:48,664 --> 00:01:52,851
♪ I see love. ♪
46
00:01:53,261 --> 00:01:56,586
Sync and correction by GeirDM
www.addic7ed.com
47
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,729
close that gaping pie hole
and give your old man a hug.
48
00:02:07,731 --> 00:02:09,297
Yes, sir.
49
00:02:09,299 --> 00:02:11,183
You dropped some tonnage boy.
50
00:02:11,185 --> 00:02:15,353
My hands can actually wave at
each other behind your back.
51
00:02:15,355 --> 00:02:17,322
How long you been sitting here?
52
00:02:17,324 --> 00:02:18,607
You walked by me twice.
53
00:02:18,609 --> 00:02:21,610
I guess we know why you
haven't made detective yet.
54
00:02:21,612 --> 00:02:23,612
You gonna introduce me
to your best man?
55
00:02:23,614 --> 00:02:26,281
Oh, yeah, dad, this is
my partner Carl McMillan.
56
00:02:26,283 --> 00:02:27,782
And you, sir, need
no introduction.
57
00:02:27,784 --> 00:02:30,785
Sergeant Jack Biggs is
legendary around our precinct.
58
00:02:30,787 --> 00:02:32,337
I see the department's
still big on going
59
00:02:32,339 --> 00:02:34,489
salt and pepper
in their squad car.
60
00:02:35,925 --> 00:02:37,592
I rode with a black fella
for years.
61
00:02:37,594 --> 00:02:38,993
Officer Tony Clemments.
62
00:02:38,995 --> 00:02:43,048
Great guy...
used to call me fat Casper.
63
00:02:43,050 --> 00:02:44,549
Hell of a cop.
64
00:02:44,551 --> 00:02:48,303
His second wife blew a hole
in him with a 12-gauge.
65
00:02:48,305 --> 00:02:49,888
She was white.
66
00:02:49,890 --> 00:02:51,005
I mean, just saying,
67
00:02:51,007 --> 00:02:53,642
sometimes it works,
sometimes it doesn't.
68
00:02:53,644 --> 00:02:56,628
Well, we certainly have
our good days and bad days.
69
00:02:57,681 --> 00:02:58,980
Sit down, dad.
70
00:02:58,982 --> 00:03:01,366
I thought you weren't coming
to town until next week.
71
00:03:01,368 --> 00:03:03,401
Well, that was the plan,
but your stepmom and I
72
00:03:03,403 --> 00:03:05,570
are going through
kind of a rough patch.
73
00:03:05,572 --> 00:03:07,455
Oh, I'm really sorry
to hear that.
74
00:03:07,457 --> 00:03:09,624
Eh, marriage has
its ups and downs.
75
00:03:09,626 --> 00:03:11,042
One day you're madly in love,
76
00:03:11,044 --> 00:03:13,578
the next day you're fishing
your clothes out of the birdbath
77
00:03:13,580 --> 00:03:16,915
and sleeping in the backseat
of your Buick Skylark.
78
00:03:16,917 --> 00:03:19,968
Well, I'm sure
things will work out.
79
00:03:19,970 --> 00:03:21,703
Better than it did
for poor Tony.
80
00:03:21,705 --> 00:03:23,722
I'd rather have to fight
some crow for my undies
81
00:03:23,724 --> 00:03:24,706
instead of getting donut-holed
82
00:03:24,708 --> 00:03:27,709
by some crazy bitch
with a shotgun.
83
00:03:27,711 --> 00:03:29,711
Ain't that the truth?
84
00:03:29,713 --> 00:03:32,213
Poor bastard
never saw it coming.
85
00:03:32,215 --> 00:03:33,214
How could he?
86
00:03:33,216 --> 00:03:34,882
He was laying
on the neighbor lady.
87
00:03:36,319 --> 00:03:38,019
Hey.
88
00:03:38,021 --> 00:03:39,104
To Tony.
89
00:03:39,106 --> 00:03:42,357
Tony.
Tony.
90
00:03:45,394 --> 00:03:48,496
I'm sure happy for
you, son, but I hope
91
00:03:48,498 --> 00:03:51,065
you've sown all your wild oats.
92
00:03:51,067 --> 00:03:53,401
I've done fine in
that area, dad.
93
00:03:53,403 --> 00:03:56,904
I married your mom too young
and I was trapped.
94
00:03:56,906 --> 00:03:58,423
Year after year,
95
00:03:58,425 --> 00:04:01,409
making love to the same woman
in the same position
96
00:04:01,411 --> 00:04:04,713
with the same time limit.
97
00:04:04,715 --> 00:04:06,047
Time limit?
98
00:04:06,049 --> 00:04:07,265
Your mother would say,
99
00:04:07,267 --> 00:04:11,085
"when Mork and Mindy
is finished, so are you."
100
00:04:12,471 --> 00:04:14,973
Well, look, I appreciate
your fatherly advice,
101
00:04:14,975 --> 00:04:16,941
but I've lived most
of my life without it
102
00:04:16,943 --> 00:04:18,092
and I'm doing just fine.
103
00:04:18,094 --> 00:04:19,594
Oh, I see,
104
00:04:19,596 --> 00:04:20,528
you're a man now.
105
00:04:20,530 --> 00:04:23,064
You got it all
figured out, do you?
106
00:04:23,066 --> 00:04:27,101
I bet I can still pin your ass
in under six seconds.
107
00:04:27,103 --> 00:04:29,371
Dad, no, I'm not
going to wrestle you.
108
00:04:29,373 --> 00:04:31,105
Nothing to be scared of.
109
00:04:31,107 --> 00:04:34,743
I'm just an old man
talking gibberish.
110
00:04:34,745 --> 00:04:35,943
Stop it.
111
00:04:35,945 --> 00:04:38,046
What's the matter,
you going to cry?
112
00:04:38,048 --> 00:04:40,915
Did your mama raise you
to be a big sissy girl?
113
00:04:40,917 --> 00:04:43,284
All right, it's on, old man!
114
00:04:46,455 --> 00:04:48,473
Mike, is that you?
115
00:04:48,475 --> 00:04:51,793
Hi, sweetie, this is my dad.
116
00:04:53,095 --> 00:04:55,630
Hey, sunshine,
nice to meet you.
117
00:04:55,632 --> 00:04:57,148
You, too.
118
00:04:57,150 --> 00:04:59,634
Oh, I can see the resemblance.
119
00:05:06,325 --> 00:05:08,243
So this is Mike's father, huh?
120
00:05:08,245 --> 00:05:11,196
Still got most of his hair;
That's a good sign.
121
00:05:11,198 --> 00:05:12,831
I think baldness is
on the mom's side
122
00:05:12,833 --> 00:05:14,366
and it skips a generation.
123
00:05:14,368 --> 00:05:16,201
Oh, that's right.
124
00:05:16,203 --> 00:05:19,120
I saw pictures
of Vince's maternal grandma.
125
00:05:19,122 --> 00:05:22,540
She looked like tweetie pie
with a monobrow.
126
00:05:25,829 --> 00:05:27,495
Whoa.
127
00:05:27,497 --> 00:05:30,998
Apparently that doesn't
skip a generation.
128
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:33,802
And it doesn't get
cuter with age.
129
00:05:33,804 --> 00:05:36,771
All in all, though,
a pleasant looking man.
130
00:05:36,773 --> 00:05:40,058
Yeah, hard to believe he
was married to Mike's mom.
131
00:05:40,060 --> 00:05:42,143
Well, based on his breath,
132
00:05:42,145 --> 00:05:45,447
I'm guessing the whiskey
impaired his judgment.
133
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:48,983
- Morning.
- Shh.
134
00:05:48,985 --> 00:05:51,319
Hey, sweetie, do you
want some breakfast?
135
00:05:51,321 --> 00:05:52,320
I got a pretty bad hangover.
136
00:05:52,322 --> 00:05:53,354
Just coffee for now.
137
00:05:53,356 --> 00:05:55,623
I'll eat after I throw up.
138
00:05:55,625 --> 00:05:58,326
Listen, I'm happy your
dad is staying here,
139
00:05:58,328 --> 00:06:00,645
but you need to get him
out of the house tonight.
140
00:06:00,647 --> 00:06:02,831
You want me to take him
to my bachelor party?
141
00:06:02,833 --> 00:06:05,199
Well, I certainly don't want him
here for my bachelorette party
142
00:06:05,201 --> 00:06:07,001
with your mother in attendance.
143
00:06:07,003 --> 00:06:08,586
What, why the hell
is my mom coming?
144
00:06:08,588 --> 00:06:10,305
Because you said, and I quote,
145
00:06:10,307 --> 00:06:13,658
"I think it'd be nice if
you asked my mother..."
146
00:06:15,878 --> 00:06:18,263
Okay, first of all,
I do not talk like that,
147
00:06:18,265 --> 00:06:19,380
and second of all,
148
00:06:19,382 --> 00:06:20,882
I can't take my dad
to my bachelor party.
149
00:06:20,884 --> 00:06:22,100
He'll ruin everything.
150
00:06:22,102 --> 00:06:23,568
Ruin what? You said
you were just going to
151
00:06:23,570 --> 00:06:25,737
"grab a steak, smoke a cigar,
152
00:06:25,739 --> 00:06:29,223
drink some scotch..."
153
00:06:30,443 --> 00:06:33,344
Is that seriously
how you think I sound?
154
00:06:34,497 --> 00:06:36,748
Wait a minute, you don't want
your dad to go along
155
00:06:36,750 --> 00:06:38,716
because Carl is taking you
to a strip club.
156
00:06:38,718 --> 00:06:40,869
What? He'd better not be.
157
00:06:40,871 --> 00:06:43,037
I hate those places.
158
00:06:43,039 --> 00:06:45,123
The guys are all perverts,
the women are all sad.
159
00:06:45,125 --> 00:06:47,408
I can't think of a worse place
to have a bachelor party.
160
00:06:47,410 --> 00:06:49,594
Yuck.
161
00:06:53,616 --> 00:06:55,683
Fine, I'll take my dad!
162
00:06:55,685 --> 00:06:58,870
See, you sound
just like yourself.
163
00:07:07,564 --> 00:07:09,481
Didn't see you
in the cafeteria today.
164
00:07:09,483 --> 00:07:10,648
You missed a good one.
165
00:07:10,650 --> 00:07:12,867
Frito pie and blueberry crumble.
166
00:07:12,869 --> 00:07:15,320
That's why the windows are open.
167
00:07:15,322 --> 00:07:16,237
Hey,
168
00:07:16,239 --> 00:07:17,772
grease, cheese, and fritos.
169
00:07:17,774 --> 00:07:19,941
It ain't gonna come out pretty.
170
00:07:19,943 --> 00:07:21,493
Anyway, I brought you
a little something.
171
00:07:21,495 --> 00:07:22,443
What's this for?
172
00:07:22,445 --> 00:07:23,444
Well, I won't be attending
173
00:07:23,446 --> 00:07:24,879
your soirée tonight,
174
00:07:24,881 --> 00:07:26,798
so I thought
I'd give you my gift here.
175
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,032
And don't get your hopes up...
176
00:07:28,034 --> 00:07:30,952
it's not dirty,
and you can't eat it.
177
00:07:30,954 --> 00:07:32,637
Oh, you're not coming?
178
00:07:32,639 --> 00:07:35,924
Aw, gosh,
that's just a stinker.
179
00:07:35,926 --> 00:07:37,308
Darn it.
180
00:07:37,310 --> 00:07:39,060
Hey, cut the crap.
181
00:07:39,062 --> 00:07:40,795
You and I both know
you only invited me
182
00:07:40,797 --> 00:07:42,063
'cause Mike told you to.
183
00:07:42,065 --> 00:07:44,249
What?
It was totally my idea.
184
00:07:44,251 --> 00:07:45,567
I love your company.
185
00:07:45,569 --> 00:07:49,521
You are a hoot.
186
00:07:49,523 --> 00:07:52,407
Well, I got better things to do
187
00:07:52,409 --> 00:07:54,192
than sitting at a hen party,
drinking pink squirrels,
188
00:07:54,194 --> 00:07:57,645
and giggling
over rubber wienies.
189
00:07:57,647 --> 00:07:59,614
I understand
your trepidation. Plus,
190
00:07:59,616 --> 00:08:01,349
you might want
to steer clear of my house.
191
00:08:01,351 --> 00:08:03,001
Your ex is in town and
192
00:08:03,003 --> 00:08:04,669
he's staying with us.
193
00:08:04,671 --> 00:08:07,171
So Jack's here?
194
00:08:07,173 --> 00:08:10,425
Yeah, and it's probably best
if you guys don't have
195
00:08:10,427 --> 00:08:13,811
your first eye-to-eye
in 20 years in my living room.
196
00:08:13,813 --> 00:08:15,597
It's hard enough getting
my mom's red wine stains
197
00:08:15,599 --> 00:08:16,881
out of the rug.
198
00:08:16,883 --> 00:08:19,817
Hey, I got no beef with the man.
199
00:08:19,819 --> 00:08:22,020
Nothing to prove
and no ax to grind.
200
00:08:22,022 --> 00:08:23,304
Really?
201
00:08:23,306 --> 00:08:26,190
Oh, I moved on
with my life long ago.
202
00:08:26,192 --> 00:08:28,710
Did he bring the whore?
203
00:08:28,712 --> 00:08:31,212
No, he came by himself.
204
00:08:31,214 --> 00:08:32,397
Between you and me,
205
00:08:32,399 --> 00:08:34,682
I think there's a little
trouble in paradise.
206
00:08:34,684 --> 00:08:36,117
Hmm, what a shame.
207
00:08:36,119 --> 00:08:37,201
Sure do hate to hear that,
208
00:08:37,203 --> 00:08:39,971
when bad things happen
to nice people.
209
00:08:42,292 --> 00:08:43,925
What time is your shindig again?
210
00:08:43,927 --> 00:08:47,211
Uh, s-seven-ish.
211
00:08:47,213 --> 00:08:48,379
Why?
212
00:08:48,381 --> 00:08:49,847
Well, you're going to be
my daughter-in-law
213
00:08:49,849 --> 00:08:52,900
and I'd hate to miss
your special night.
214
00:08:52,902 --> 00:08:54,085
You know what?
You're right.
215
00:08:54,087 --> 00:08:56,137
It'll probably get
pretty raunchy,
216
00:08:56,139 --> 00:08:59,891
so don't come.
217
00:08:59,893 --> 00:09:02,677
I'll be by early
to help you set up.
218
00:09:02,679 --> 00:09:05,496
I'll bring some sipping whiskey
and an x-rated board game.
219
00:09:05,498 --> 00:09:07,098
X-rated board game?
220
00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:08,182
Dirty scrabble.
221
00:09:08,184 --> 00:09:09,467
It's actually just
regular scrabble
222
00:09:09,469 --> 00:09:11,736
with extra fs, bs, and js.
223
00:09:14,190 --> 00:09:16,491
Man, I can't believe
you're bringing your dad
224
00:09:16,493 --> 00:09:17,742
to my bachelor party.
225
00:09:17,744 --> 00:09:19,744
I thought it was
my bachelor party.
226
00:09:19,746 --> 00:09:21,079
Did you plan it?
227
00:09:21,081 --> 00:09:22,580
Are you the one that's
been going to strip clubs
228
00:09:22,582 --> 00:09:24,332
for three months, trying
to find the best one?
229
00:09:24,334 --> 00:09:26,751
I'm sorry, Carl,
there's nothing I can do.
230
00:09:26,753 --> 00:09:28,235
I can't leave him
at Molly's house.
231
00:09:28,237 --> 00:09:29,671
My mom's going to be there.
232
00:09:29,673 --> 00:09:31,289
So why don't you drop
your dad off at a movie
233
00:09:31,291 --> 00:09:33,207
or buy him a sweat suit
and let him walk the mall?
234
00:09:33,209 --> 00:09:35,793
Yeah, old people love going all
knees and elbows at the mall.
235
00:09:35,795 --> 00:09:39,580
He's coming, and I don't want
to hear another word about it.
236
00:09:39,582 --> 00:09:40,715
He'll ruin everything.
237
00:09:40,717 --> 00:09:42,917
You ever seen strippers
around a cute, old dude?
238
00:09:42,919 --> 00:09:44,802
It's like bringing
a puppy or a midget.
239
00:09:44,804 --> 00:09:46,554
They get all the attention.
240
00:09:46,556 --> 00:09:48,356
I promise
I'll keep him occupied.
241
00:09:48,358 --> 00:09:50,024
You guys can still have
a good time.
242
00:09:51,027 --> 00:09:52,193
Yeah,
243
00:09:52,195 --> 00:09:53,761
a stripper slaps him
in the face with her boob
244
00:09:53,763 --> 00:09:56,230
and his teeth wind up
in my watery sprite.
245
00:09:58,317 --> 00:10:00,318
Hey, Molly.
246
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:01,569
What?
247
00:10:01,571 --> 00:10:03,237
My mom's on her way
to the house?
248
00:10:03,239 --> 00:10:04,372
Yeah, my dad's there.
249
00:10:04,374 --> 00:10:06,074
He's probably still
asleep on the couch.
250
00:10:06,076 --> 00:10:07,325
All right, on my way.
251
00:10:07,327 --> 00:10:08,493
Hit the siren.
252
00:10:08,495 --> 00:10:10,161
We got to get there
253
00:10:10,163 --> 00:10:13,748
before we have to arrest my mom
and tag and bag my dad.
254
00:10:22,447 --> 00:10:23,797
This is gonna be nice.
255
00:10:23,799 --> 00:10:25,532
Just us gals sitting around,
256
00:10:25,534 --> 00:10:28,818
sipping some cocktails,
having a little girl talk.
257
00:10:28,820 --> 00:10:30,170
Sure.
258
00:10:30,172 --> 00:10:32,322
But keep in the
back of your mind,
259
00:10:32,324 --> 00:10:35,292
it's not too late to go
out and do something fun.
260
00:10:37,211 --> 00:10:40,380
Yeah, I was hoping for
a big hunk of penis-shaped cake,
261
00:10:40,382 --> 00:10:43,166
or seeing a big hunk's penis.
262
00:10:43,168 --> 00:10:44,768
Mom.
263
00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:46,720
Ooh, there's a place
you can go downtown
264
00:10:46,722 --> 00:10:49,523
where you can lick whipped
cream off a guy's bare chest.
265
00:10:49,525 --> 00:10:50,857
Ooh.
266
00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:52,642
Won't be able to do that
after you're married.
267
00:10:53,812 --> 00:10:55,011
Have you met my fiancé?
268
00:10:55,013 --> 00:10:57,497
His chest hair's
like an easter basket.
269
00:10:57,499 --> 00:10:58,565
That's not hyperbole.
270
00:10:58,567 --> 00:11:01,318
One time, I actually found
a jelly bean.
271
00:11:02,820 --> 00:11:05,188
Two of them have
to make everything dirty.
272
00:11:05,190 --> 00:11:07,657
It's like my confirmation party
all over again.
273
00:11:13,030 --> 00:11:15,549
Whoa. Peggy.
274
00:11:15,551 --> 00:11:17,300
Hope I'm not too early.
275
00:11:18,169 --> 00:11:19,586
Boys still here?
276
00:11:19,588 --> 00:11:20,754
No, they left.
277
00:11:20,756 --> 00:11:23,306
Damn it!
278
00:11:23,308 --> 00:11:24,508
Are you okay?
279
00:11:24,510 --> 00:11:25,708
Couldn't be better.
280
00:11:25,710 --> 00:11:26,860
Here you go.
281
00:11:26,862 --> 00:11:28,762
Another gift for
the bride-to-be.
282
00:11:28,764 --> 00:11:31,815
Please tell me
that's French bread.
283
00:11:33,351 --> 00:11:37,838
Okay, but that French bread's
black, and it vibrates.
284
00:11:45,696 --> 00:11:48,114
Thanks for letting me
join you boys.
285
00:11:48,116 --> 00:11:49,783
I'm sure none
of you fellas wanted
286
00:11:49,785 --> 00:11:51,334
the groom's old man
tagging along.
287
00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:54,788
Happy to have you, dad.
288
00:11:54,790 --> 00:11:56,739
Right, guys?
289
00:11:58,010 --> 00:12:00,844
Sorry we had to rush you
out of the house so early.
290
00:12:00,846 --> 00:12:03,213
Mom was coming over, and
I didn't want a repeat
291
00:12:03,215 --> 00:12:04,681
of our last little
get-together.
292
00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:06,967
Yeah, I still got the scar
where she clocked me
293
00:12:06,969 --> 00:12:08,518
behind the ear
with that disposable camera.
294
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,021
It did liven up my high
school graduation, though.
295
00:12:11,023 --> 00:12:14,924
And believe it or not, the
pictures still came out great.
296
00:12:14,926 --> 00:12:17,060
So, what's the deal?
Are we going to a strip club,
297
00:12:17,062 --> 00:12:19,896
or are you guys going to be the
biggest boobs I see all night?
298
00:12:21,283 --> 00:12:23,600
We can't go to a
nudie bar this early.
299
00:12:23,602 --> 00:12:24,985
The sun's still out,
300
00:12:24,987 --> 00:12:28,071
and our coupons don't
kick in till 7:00 P.M.
301
00:12:28,073 --> 00:12:30,457
Plus, the day shift
is still on the pole,
302
00:12:30,459 --> 00:12:33,543
and they're tired, cranky
and sometimes pregnant.
303
00:12:35,329 --> 00:12:37,447
Not to mention the sad,
desperate clientele
304
00:12:37,449 --> 00:12:39,332
that hangs out there
during the day.
305
00:12:39,334 --> 00:12:42,052
Lonely losers blowing
their rent money,
306
00:12:42,054 --> 00:12:44,921
trying to get one of the
girls to love 'em back.
307
00:12:44,923 --> 00:12:47,290
And they never do.
308
00:12:47,292 --> 00:12:49,509
I got a lot of respect
for you, kid.
309
00:12:49,511 --> 00:12:52,345
If I were dealt your hand,
I'd have jumped in the lake
310
00:12:52,347 --> 00:12:54,648
with a pocket full
of rocks years ago.
311
00:12:54,650 --> 00:12:57,934
My mom sews my pockets shut.
312
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:03,657
Look, we got this limo
for the whole night.
313
00:13:03,659 --> 00:13:04,807
It's climate-controlled,
got a fully-stocked bar,
314
00:13:04,809 --> 00:13:06,192
and we can go anywhere we want
315
00:13:06,194 --> 00:13:08,144
in one of the greatest cities
in the world.
316
00:13:08,146 --> 00:13:09,613
You guys thinking
what I'm thinking?
317
00:13:09,615 --> 00:13:10,914
White castle
drive-thru?
318
00:13:13,085 --> 00:13:15,335
God, you can read me
like a book.
319
00:13:15,337 --> 00:13:16,653
Well, it's easy
320
00:13:16,655 --> 00:13:19,322
when every chapter is
titled, "I could eat."
321
00:13:21,125 --> 00:13:22,325
It's just a little something
322
00:13:22,327 --> 00:13:24,544
I thought might come in
handy on the honeymoon.
323
00:13:24,546 --> 00:13:25,762
Ooh!
324
00:13:25,764 --> 00:13:27,130
Sexy panties?
325
00:13:27,132 --> 00:13:28,131
No.
326
00:13:28,133 --> 00:13:29,466
Flavored love jellies?
327
00:13:29,468 --> 00:13:30,634
No.
328
00:13:30,636 --> 00:13:33,002
Ball gag and nipple clamps?
329
00:13:38,392 --> 00:13:40,777
God, no!
It's just a clip-on book light.
330
00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:43,146
I thought
we weren't going dirty.
331
00:13:43,148 --> 00:13:45,365
Oh, my goodness.
332
00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:48,017
I wonder who that is.
333
00:13:48,019 --> 00:13:50,019
I hope someone
didn't call the police,
334
00:13:50,021 --> 00:13:54,023
because we were being too loud
and naughty.
335
00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:58,144
Please tell me
that she didn't get a stripper.
336
00:13:58,146 --> 00:14:01,081
Please tell me
she didn't say "ball gag."
337
00:14:01,083 --> 00:14:03,500
Oh, no, officer.
338
00:14:03,502 --> 00:14:05,535
Are we in trouble?
339
00:14:05,537 --> 00:14:07,420
Big trouble.
340
00:14:07,422 --> 00:14:08,972
There's the ringleader.
341
00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:10,724
And she's been a bad,
342
00:14:10,726 --> 00:14:12,258
bad girl.
343
00:14:12,260 --> 00:14:14,978
I've been worse.
344
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:20,567
I'm hiding drugs, and
I ain't got pockets.
345
00:14:22,321 --> 00:14:24,821
Well, you'll all pay the price,
346
00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:27,023
but the bride-to-be
gets the first crack.
347
00:14:27,025 --> 00:14:28,241
Enjoy, ladies.
348
00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:31,444
Touch, cup or tug...
he's paid for till 10:00.
349
00:14:33,165 --> 00:14:38,234
That is... very nice,
but I really would just like
350
00:14:38,236 --> 00:14:40,737
to know your secret
for hair removal.
351
00:14:42,540 --> 00:14:44,758
All right, we still got
another hour to kill
352
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:47,076
before we can head over
to the strip club.
353
00:14:47,078 --> 00:14:48,411
Only an hour?
354
00:14:48,413 --> 00:14:52,415
But I was so enjoying this
man-thigh on man-thigh action.
355
00:14:52,417 --> 00:14:54,584
Well, if we're looking
for something to do,
356
00:14:54,586 --> 00:14:56,102
we could swing by my mom's,
357
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:59,389
and I could prove to her
I do to have friends.
358
00:14:59,391 --> 00:15:01,441
Seriously, I would have
plugged in the toaster
359
00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:03,259
and jumped right in the tub.
360
00:15:03,261 --> 00:15:06,363
God love you.
361
00:15:06,365 --> 00:15:07,864
Well, since we got the time,
362
00:15:07,866 --> 00:15:10,483
why don't we go ahead and do
our little Mike Biggs tribute?
363
00:15:10,485 --> 00:15:12,485
No, come on.
Why don't we moon that kid
364
00:15:12,487 --> 00:15:13,787
at the gas station again?
365
00:15:13,789 --> 00:15:15,455
He'd never expect it
a second time.
366
00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:18,541
No, this evening is about
celebrating you, Mike Biggs.
367
00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:21,244
The man, the myth,
the Mountain.
368
00:15:21,246 --> 00:15:23,246
Come on, son,
let your friends honor you.
369
00:15:23,248 --> 00:15:25,248
You think this is
gonna be an honor?
370
00:15:25,250 --> 00:15:27,283
It's gonna be a bunch
of smart-ass comments,
371
00:15:27,285 --> 00:15:30,170
humiliating stories and
half a dozen fat jokes.
372
00:15:30,172 --> 00:15:31,638
Hey, these are your pals.
373
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,456
I'm sure these guys
have plenty more
374
00:15:33,458 --> 00:15:35,124
to talk about
besides your waistline.
375
00:15:35,126 --> 00:15:36,459
I'm out.
376
00:15:36,461 --> 00:15:39,145
I grabbed the fat ball
and ran with it.
377
00:15:40,564 --> 00:15:43,266
I said nothing about fat,
but I did lean pretty hard
378
00:15:43,268 --> 00:15:45,468
on your homoerotic relationship
with Carl.
379
00:15:46,970 --> 00:15:48,988
With friends like
these, huh, dad?
380
00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:50,306
Yeah.
381
00:15:50,308 --> 00:15:51,775
- I'll go.
- All right, Harry.
382
00:15:51,777 --> 00:15:53,076
Let me have it.
383
00:15:53,078 --> 00:15:56,362
How do you say "I love you"
384
00:15:56,364 --> 00:15:58,782
to your hero?
385
00:15:58,784 --> 00:16:01,751
I don't think you do.
386
00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:04,204
I don't mean to belabor it,
387
00:16:04,206 --> 00:16:07,507
but how do you even get out
of bed in the morning?
388
00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:13,513
Okay, fun's over.
389
00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:15,665
Take these cuffs off.
390
00:16:15,667 --> 00:16:17,600
Okay, pal,
391
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:21,721
that is getting very close
to my face.
392
00:16:21,723 --> 00:16:23,807
That's what they're talking
about when they say,
393
00:16:23,809 --> 00:16:25,608
"the long arm of the law."
394
00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:28,194
It's not funny.
395
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:29,579
No, that was pretty funny.
396
00:16:29,581 --> 00:16:32,699
When she said arm,
she meant penis.
397
00:16:32,701 --> 00:16:34,150
No, no, no, no!
398
00:16:34,152 --> 00:16:36,286
No, no, no. Stop...
No, stop it!
399
00:16:36,288 --> 00:16:40,857
Oh, my God,
is that thing winking at me?
400
00:16:47,498 --> 00:16:49,332
"And even though
we kid around a lot,
401
00:16:49,334 --> 00:16:51,885
"when you get down to it,
I could not have asked
402
00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:53,803
"for a better partner
or a better friend.
403
00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:57,039
"I know you always have my
back, and I always have yours.
404
00:16:57,041 --> 00:16:58,892
"And I'm so happy
you found Molly,
405
00:16:58,894 --> 00:17:02,145
because you deserve a partner
as good as the one I got."
406
00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:03,813
Thanks, pal.
407
00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:07,150
To the man of the
hour, Mr. Mike Biggs.
408
00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:08,318
Hear, hear.
Salud.
409
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:09,719
Love you, man.
410
00:17:09,721 --> 00:17:10,937
Lovely toast.
411
00:17:10,939 --> 00:17:12,689
Really beautiful.
412
00:17:12,691 --> 00:17:15,658
How come his is beautiful,
and I'm a "big, sappy fruit?"
413
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,243
I don't know.
414
00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:19,779
They're saying now
it's genetics.
415
00:17:19,781 --> 00:17:21,948
Oh.
416
00:17:21,950 --> 00:17:24,534
"All nude, girls, girls, girls.
" Mm-hmm.
417
00:17:24,536 --> 00:17:25,785
Boy, that sounds way better
418
00:17:25,787 --> 00:17:28,288
than all men
and farts, farts, farts.
419
00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:32,074
Remember not to lay out
all your cash at the rail.
420
00:17:32,076 --> 00:17:34,260
Buck at a time,
like you're feeding baby ducks.
421
00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:37,130
I've given myself a $200 limit,
so if you see me reach
422
00:17:37,132 --> 00:17:41,017
for my ATM card,
throw a cold beer in my lap.
423
00:17:43,587 --> 00:17:48,224
All right, I'll see
you gentlemen inside.
424
00:17:48,226 --> 00:17:51,027
Only thing better than
an old guy or a midget?
425
00:17:51,029 --> 00:17:52,779
Blind guy.
426
00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:54,447
Hey, wait up!
427
00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:56,649
Somebody's got to lead me in.
428
00:17:58,235 --> 00:17:59,953
You ready, dad?
429
00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,387
I'll meet you inside
430
00:18:01,389 --> 00:18:02,956
what's the matter?
431
00:18:02,958 --> 00:18:05,208
I'm just...
432
00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:08,378
So proud of how
you've turned out.
433
00:18:08,380 --> 00:18:10,713
You got people who love
and respect you.
434
00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:13,383
And I know
it's not because of me.
435
00:18:13,385 --> 00:18:14,634
It's in spite of me.
436
00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:15,952
Oh, don't say that.
437
00:18:15,954 --> 00:18:17,921
It's true.
438
00:18:17,923 --> 00:18:19,422
I ran off and left you,
439
00:18:19,424 --> 00:18:22,809
and at a time
when a boy really needs his dad.
440
00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:24,928
That's in the past.
441
00:18:24,930 --> 00:18:26,512
You're here now.
442
00:18:26,514 --> 00:18:28,815
That's all that matters.
443
00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:31,634
Appreciate you
letting me off the hook.
444
00:18:31,636 --> 00:18:33,987
I promise
I'll make it up to you,
445
00:18:33,989 --> 00:18:37,190
try to be more of a dad
than I have been.
446
00:18:37,192 --> 00:18:39,809
I'd like that.
447
00:18:39,811 --> 00:18:42,462
Hey, what do you say
we get the limo driver
448
00:18:42,464 --> 00:18:44,631
to cruise us around
the old neighborhood?
449
00:18:44,633 --> 00:18:45,832
It's your night.
450
00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:47,533
Do whatever you want.
451
00:18:47,535 --> 00:18:49,535
But I'm heading in.
452
00:18:53,173 --> 00:18:57,159
Ah, it'd be a shame to waste
this precious father-son time.
453
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:07,313
I hope you and the wife work things out.
Well, if we don't,
454
00:19:07,315 --> 00:19:10,800
I think I got a real shot
with that Cuban stripper.
455
00:19:10,802 --> 00:19:12,401
I think she really liked you.
Yeah.
456
00:19:12,403 --> 00:19:14,520
I mean, until you
ran out of money.
457
00:19:14,522 --> 00:19:16,189
Yeah, strip clubs
aren't a good place
458
00:19:16,191 --> 00:19:18,157
for a man on a fixed income.
459
00:19:18,159 --> 00:19:20,276
By the way,
my last three lap dances
460
00:19:20,278 --> 00:19:22,662
were your wedding present.
461
00:19:22,664 --> 00:19:23,896
Well, it's important for you
462
00:19:23,898 --> 00:19:27,166
to enjoy what little time
you got left, old man.
463
00:19:27,168 --> 00:19:29,085
Oh, game on, boy.
464
00:19:34,875 --> 00:19:37,026
Hello, Jack.
465
00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:40,429
Long time, no see.
466
00:19:40,431 --> 00:19:43,266
This is lieutenant sexy,
and he's giving me a ride home.
467
00:19:43,268 --> 00:19:45,635
Then he's gonna drop me off
at the house.
468
00:19:45,637 --> 00:19:47,436
Get it?
469
00:19:49,273 --> 00:19:51,390
Who the hell was that?
470
00:19:51,392 --> 00:19:54,927
I have no idea.
Him, I know.
471
00:19:54,929 --> 00:19:57,980
Sync and correction by GeirDM
www.addic7ed.com