1
00:00:01,020 --> 00:00:04,112
♪ I wish I had a river ♪
2
00:00:04,175 --> 00:00:08,777
♪ I could skate away on ♪
3
00:00:09,371 --> 00:00:10,471
Hey, Jess.
4
00:00:10,539 --> 00:00:11,806
I brought you some tea.
5
00:00:11,874 --> 00:00:14,075
Just gonna leave it
right here, okay?
6
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There you go.
7
00:00:15,344 --> 00:00:17,045
So, Russell...
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00:00:17,613 --> 00:00:18,757
Ouch.
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00:00:18,796 --> 00:00:20,426
Right? I mean, who
saw that coming?
10
00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:21,761
Not me.
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00:00:21,865 --> 00:00:23,855
Certainly not Russell.
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I guess, I guess
you saw it coming.
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I mean, 'cause you're
the one who broke up with him.
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- Leave, Schmidt.
- All right, fine.
15
00:00:28,971 --> 00:00:30,314
I'll leave. But
you know what?
16
00:00:30,576 --> 00:00:32,717
you're not the
only one that's hurting here,
17
00:00:32,759 --> 00:00:34,451
Jessica Day.
The economy stinks,
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00:00:34,495 --> 00:00:37,563
bees are dying, movies are
pretty much all sequels now,
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- and I... have a broken penis.
- Don't say "broken penis."
20
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Don't pretend to know my pain.
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Hey, Jess.
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- Hi.
- What's this song called?
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- "The River."
- Hmm.
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00:00:50,710 --> 00:00:52,312
- Do you like it?
- Yeah, yeah, I liked the way
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you played it for the first time
at 10:00 last night.
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I liked it a little bit less
at 2:00 a.m.
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And now I'm kind of hoping that
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the sun comes up,
thaws that river
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and that woman drowns.
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Get out!
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Russell was perfect.
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What's wrong with me?
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Am I self-sabotaging?
34
00:01:13,487 --> 00:01:15,370
Am I secretly a Cylon?
35
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You just didn't love him.
36
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But what if it's me?
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What if I have some idea
of love in my head
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and it's just totally wrong?
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Do not second-guess
yourself, okay?
40
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It was a tough choice,
but it was the right choice.
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Yeah, mm-hmm.
44
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Ow.
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♪ It's coming on Christmas... ♪
46
00:01:40,958 --> 00:01:43,225
- Oh, my God, she's dead!
- Oh, no, no, come on!
47
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80 more times!
I get it now! It's a river!
48
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All right, now let's
go and get a drink,
49
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because you really need
to get out of this room.
50
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I'm not ready.
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Turn that song back on!
52
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Caroline and I made up
a dance routine to cheer you up.
53
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- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, well, I'm gonna dance,
54
00:01:57,335 --> 00:01:59,020
- and Nick's gonna clap.
- Okay. I'll just clap.
55
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You about ready now?
56
00:02:01,186 --> 00:02:02,586
- Yeah, I'm ready now.
- Yeah, let's go.
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Uh, feel it.
Uh, uh.
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Get it, Caroline!
Get it, Caroline!
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00:02:05,347 --> 00:02:06,780
Born to dance.
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00:02:06,848 --> 00:02:07,848
Dance the bump.
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♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
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♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
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♪ It's Jess. ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
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I'm gonna end up alone.
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I'm gonna be a single old lady
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flashing people on the subway.
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Jess, first of all,
you're never gonna be old,
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00:02:24,798 --> 00:02:27,734
because humans--
we're gonna be immortal by 2026.
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And second of all,
give me your phone.
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Why?
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Do you want to drunkenly call
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00:02:32,105 --> 00:02:34,206
Russell tonight and tell him
what a huge mistake you made?
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00:02:34,274 --> 00:02:36,208
- You don't want to backslide, trust me.
- Be quiet.
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Your life is
too perfect to talk to
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00:02:37,844 --> 00:02:38,911
anyone in Jess's condition
right now.
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00:02:38,978 --> 00:02:40,812
Look, Jess, backsliding is
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what happens
after a clean break.
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When you, when you freak out
and you go crawling back
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and you just make everything
messy and horrible.
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- I'm not gonna do that.
- You have backslider
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written all over you.
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Did I tell you
guys that my boss
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invited me to play poker
with him tonight?
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00:02:54,693 --> 00:02:56,561
Crazy thing, he never invites
anybody to play poker with him.
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I mean, come on, I'm in
the prime of my life, baby.
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- Winston, shut up!
- Shut up!
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Schmidt, I actually
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- need my phone back.
- No.
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00:03:02,133 --> 00:03:03,534
I need to call Russell to just
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00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:04,901
tell him I left
my pajamas there.
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00:03:04,969 --> 00:03:06,603
The fact that you were
wearing pajamas
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00:03:06,671 --> 00:03:08,605
in the presence of your lover
tells me that that relationship
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00:03:08,673 --> 00:03:09,873
was doomed from the start.
No way.
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Disgusting.
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Don't fake me--
don't fake me out.
96
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Are you guys playing a game?
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00:03:14,212 --> 00:03:15,145
No. No. Just chillin'.
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Hey, good-lookin'.
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00:03:16,448 --> 00:03:17,847
- Hey.
- What can I get you?
100
00:03:17,915 --> 00:03:19,815
How about one of those
Nick Miller Manhattans?
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00:03:19,883 --> 00:03:21,684
Ah, straight bourbon
in a plastic cup.
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Come with me.
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00:03:26,756 --> 00:03:27,823
Think we should
show him the DVD?
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What DVD?
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Nick made a DVD after the last
time Caroline broke up with him.
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It's all the reasons why they
shouldn't get back together.
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00:03:35,698 --> 00:03:36,864
We hid it somewhere in the loft.
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00:03:36,932 --> 00:03:38,733
Ooh. Intrigue.
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- Mama like.
- I don't know that we should...
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Cece's here.
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Why is she dressed like
a women's studies major?
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It's precautionary.
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Just until my junk heals.
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Ow. Owie.
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Damn it.
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00:03:49,912 --> 00:03:50,811
You okay?
117
00:03:50,878 --> 00:03:51,945
No, I'm not okay.
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What is going on, Jess?
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I was just thinking
about this word
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that I learned from Schmidt.
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Backsliding.
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00:03:59,354 --> 00:04:01,057
Oh, so you're saying
I'm a backslider.
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00:04:01,091 --> 00:04:03,175
I don't know what we're supposed
to do together any more.
124
00:04:03,197 --> 00:04:05,122
Everything seems
to turn you on.
125
00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,927
Oh, look, Cece, a bird.
Ow. Ah, damn it!
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00:04:07,995 --> 00:04:10,997
Schmidt, it's a mother bird
in her nest!
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00:04:11,064 --> 00:04:12,365
Must I say it, Cece?
128
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What?
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00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:14,900
- Eggs.
- Okay.
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00:04:16,903 --> 00:04:18,671
Okay, sure, look, did Caroline
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00:04:18,739 --> 00:04:22,441
physically, mentally and
emotionally abuse me for years?
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00:04:22,809 --> 00:04:23,842
Yes!
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00:04:24,409 --> 00:04:25,877
But she changed.
134
00:04:25,945 --> 00:04:27,746
It's about timing.
135
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And the first time around,
we weren't ready to work at it,
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and now we are.
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00:04:31,684 --> 00:04:32,717
And besides,
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Caroline is way hotter than
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that voice in my head,
who sounds like Tom Waits
140
00:04:37,990 --> 00:04:40,724
and tells me I'm a failure
and that I look bad in hats.
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00:04:40,792 --> 00:04:42,826
I don't want to spend
my whole life with him.
142
00:04:42,894 --> 00:04:44,495
You know what I mean?
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00:04:44,563 --> 00:04:46,264
Okay.
144
00:04:46,331 --> 00:04:48,065
At least you'll get
a break from me tomorrow.
145
00:04:48,133 --> 00:04:49,534
I've got to go visit my dadi.
146
00:04:49,601 --> 00:04:50,434
What?
147
00:04:50,502 --> 00:04:51,835
It's my grandmother.
148
00:04:51,903 --> 00:04:53,337
- Oh, your bubbe?
- Yes, my...
149
00:04:53,405 --> 00:04:55,104
Oh, I have a bubbe.
150
00:04:55,173 --> 00:04:56,973
- Uh, my bubbe is in a home.
- Yeah.
151
00:04:57,041 --> 00:04:58,542
Old people freak me out.
152
00:04:58,609 --> 00:05:01,311
With their hands
and their legs.
153
00:05:01,379 --> 00:05:04,281
Just, they're like the human
version of pleated pants.
154
00:05:04,848 --> 00:05:06,015
- Really?
- Not for me.
155
00:05:06,083 --> 00:05:07,016
- Hey, Schmidt.
- Hey.
156
00:05:07,084 --> 00:05:07,884
Can I borrow your jacket?
157
00:05:07,951 --> 00:05:09,052
- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.
158
00:05:09,119 --> 00:05:10,619
Like, aren't into old people?
159
00:05:10,687 --> 00:05:11,720
Not at all.
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00:05:11,788 --> 00:05:13,189
I mean, just-just horr...
161
00:05:13,256 --> 00:05:14,557
like giant walking raisins.
162
00:05:14,624 --> 00:05:15,524
They're in a home...
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00:05:15,592 --> 00:05:17,526
It's me.
164
00:05:17,594 --> 00:05:19,895
I've been thinking
a lot about you.
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00:05:19,962 --> 00:05:20,796
Jess.
166
00:05:20,863 --> 00:05:22,097
Hmm?
167
00:05:22,165 --> 00:05:25,201
I can't feel my arm.
168
00:05:27,871 --> 00:05:29,049
Oh.
169
00:05:29,171 --> 00:05:30,573
Whoa.
170
00:05:30,596 --> 00:05:32,865
I really can't feel it at all.
171
00:05:33,275 --> 00:05:34,542
Wake up, fella.
172
00:05:34,610 --> 00:05:36,644
You're gonna be late for school.
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00:05:38,347 --> 00:05:39,913
Genzlinger.
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00:05:44,605 --> 00:05:47,227
What is that?
175
00:05:47,339 --> 00:05:49,183
It's an earring, man.
What does it look like?
176
00:05:49,276 --> 00:05:50,677
Got kind of wasted
last night with Joe,
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00:05:50,745 --> 00:05:52,356
and so, you know,
I got my ear pierced.
178
00:05:52,778 --> 00:05:54,861
This is the perfect moment.
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00:05:55,938 --> 00:05:57,454
Wait, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.
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00:05:57,496 --> 00:05:58,612
- Wait, what?
- I'm gonna do.
181
00:05:58,627 --> 00:06:00,644
See, this is when
it gets weird between us.
182
00:06:00,687 --> 00:06:01,520
One, two, three.
183
00:06:02,889 --> 00:06:04,289
You know,
traditionally, the male
184
00:06:04,357 --> 00:06:05,457
of the species is
more glamorous.
185
00:06:06,025 --> 00:06:07,660
When's it coming out,
by the way?
186
00:06:07,727 --> 00:06:10,262
- The earring? - No, no, the smooth
jazz album you're dropping.
187
00:06:12,632 --> 00:06:15,968
Hey, guys. You
remember, um, Paul.
188
00:06:16,036 --> 00:06:17,602
Mercedes-Genz!
189
00:06:17,636 --> 00:06:19,136
Genzel Washington.
190
00:06:19,237 --> 00:06:21,739
It's the Genz of the world
as we know it.
191
00:06:21,807 --> 00:06:24,508
All right, everybody, put down
your Genz and your Genzils.
192
00:06:24,610 --> 00:06:25,977
Hey, Schmidt.
What's up, Washington?
193
00:06:27,446 --> 00:06:28,880
- Um hey.
- Hey.
194
00:06:28,948 --> 00:06:30,648
- So maybe--
- Okay.
195
00:06:30,716 --> 00:06:32,483
- We definitely--
- Oh yeah, that sounds...
196
00:06:32,584 --> 00:06:34,551
Okay.
197
00:06:34,586 --> 00:06:35,619
Okay.
198
00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:37,420
- Okay
- All right.
199
00:06:39,657 --> 00:06:40,958
- Backslider!
- Don't.
200
00:06:41,025 --> 00:06:41,992
- You backslid.
- Come on.
201
00:06:42,060 --> 00:06:44,061
You backslid all the way
202
00:06:44,128 --> 00:06:46,597
down the hill and back
into the parking lot.
203
00:06:46,664 --> 00:06:48,264
Take off your skis and wait
204
00:06:48,332 --> 00:06:50,165
for your family in the lodge,
Jessica Day.
205
00:06:50,233 --> 00:06:51,734
Look, I think
this could be good.
206
00:06:51,802 --> 00:06:53,936
Paul and I had
really bad timing before,
207
00:06:54,004 --> 00:06:56,438
and maybe I should just
give it another shot.
208
00:06:56,506 --> 00:06:57,573
Such an ugly crier.
209
00:06:57,641 --> 00:06:59,374
He is the all-time worst crier.
210
00:07:07,583 --> 00:07:09,918
It's like
he's a slow-motion sneeze.
211
00:07:09,985 --> 00:07:10,713
Winston,
212
00:07:10,736 --> 00:07:11,969
what is in your ear?
213
00:07:12,035 --> 00:07:12,869
It's hot and I love it.
214
00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:14,009
Does that feed information
215
00:07:14,047 --> 00:07:16,564
back to Shelby to keep track
of your migration patterns?
216
00:07:16,610 --> 00:07:17,884
- Drop it.
- Please, Jess.
217
00:07:17,921 --> 00:07:19,097
He just got back from Carnival.
218
00:07:19,128 --> 00:07:20,294
Know what?
219
00:07:22,631 --> 00:07:24,531
These people are disgusting.
220
00:07:24,599 --> 00:07:26,100
I've never been more
flaccid in my life.
221
00:07:27,135 --> 00:07:28,068
Thank God.
222
00:07:28,136 --> 00:07:29,737
I mean, this place
223
00:07:29,804 --> 00:07:31,471
is a cardigan gold mine.
224
00:07:31,539 --> 00:07:32,472
Can I get you anything, Dadi?
225
00:07:32,540 --> 00:07:34,508
A hot-blooded man
226
00:07:34,575 --> 00:07:36,343
and a hotel room would be nice.
227
00:07:37,477 --> 00:07:39,112
Oh, just get me a puzzle.
228
00:07:41,003 --> 00:07:42,108
Yeah?
229
00:07:42,167 --> 00:07:43,867
I raised that girl.
230
00:07:44,310 --> 00:07:46,344
She is my life.
231
00:07:46,553 --> 00:07:48,794
And she's not
as tough as she looks.
232
00:07:48,872 --> 00:07:50,783
If you hurt her,
233
00:07:50,795 --> 00:07:54,600
I will let myself die
and then I will haunt you.
234
00:07:55,928 --> 00:07:57,748
Whoa, look at this fireplace.
235
00:07:57,791 --> 00:07:58,772
It's huge.
236
00:07:58,826 --> 00:08:01,110
Caroline, that is not a
fireplace, that is, like,
237
00:08:01,129 --> 00:08:03,197
a room you could
safely set on fire.
238
00:08:03,987 --> 00:08:05,507
Yeah, this is really nice.
239
00:08:05,546 --> 00:08:06,766
- It is.
- So grown up.
240
00:08:06,814 --> 00:08:08,945
But where's all your stuff
gonna go?
241
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:12,240
Like, where will
the Grateful Dead bears dance?
242
00:08:12,275 --> 00:08:13,910
Oh, I didn't realize
I lived here, too.
243
00:08:13,953 --> 00:08:16,488
Seriously though, what do
you think about moving in?
244
00:08:16,815 --> 00:08:18,758
Wait, you want to
move in together?
245
00:08:18,786 --> 00:08:21,454
Yeah, I mean, I feel like
if we're gonna do this again,
246
00:08:21,495 --> 00:08:23,558
we should do it
for real this time, you know?
247
00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:24,331
Right.
248
00:08:24,358 --> 00:08:25,933
I mean, I'm 33 years old.
249
00:08:25,956 --> 00:08:28,136
You're 30 years old; we're the
same age, you knucklehead.
250
00:08:28,173 --> 00:08:31,442
No, I lied about that.
I'm 33.
251
00:08:31,596 --> 00:08:33,597
I don't want to start
at the beginning again with you.
252
00:08:34,493 --> 00:08:39,816
I mean, you're not...
not making sense.
253
00:08:41,045 --> 00:08:42,078
Knock-knock.
254
00:08:42,146 --> 00:08:43,079
Hi.
255
00:08:43,147 --> 00:08:44,581
Hi back.
256
00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:46,182
- Um...
- Hey...
257
00:08:46,250 --> 00:08:47,851
- I want to tell you...
- I have something to tell you.
258
00:08:47,919 --> 00:08:49,781
- Oh, sorry, you go first.
- Oh, I'll go first.
259
00:08:49,853 --> 00:08:53,220
Um, I was thinking
a lot about, um...
260
00:08:54,025 --> 00:08:56,759
you and last night.
261
00:08:56,827 --> 00:08:58,961
Right.
262
00:08:59,029 --> 00:09:01,497
And we have something good.
263
00:09:01,565 --> 00:09:04,400
Jess, I have a girlfriend.
264
00:09:04,467 --> 00:09:05,935
- What?
- Yeah.
265
00:09:06,003 --> 00:09:08,504
Very serious girlfriend.
266
00:09:08,572 --> 00:09:09,605
Oh, my God.
267
00:09:09,673 --> 00:09:11,240
Why didn't you tell me?
268
00:09:11,307 --> 00:09:13,575
When you called me
last night, we had just gotten
269
00:09:13,643 --> 00:09:16,110
into this huge fight,
and I was really confused.
270
00:09:16,178 --> 00:09:18,079
You cheating on her with me?
271
00:09:18,147 --> 00:09:19,447
Is that bad?
That's bad.
272
00:09:19,515 --> 00:09:20,815
It's really bad.
273
00:09:20,883 --> 00:09:22,984
Oh, no, that's really bad.
274
00:09:23,052 --> 00:09:24,953
Why would you do that?!
275
00:09:25,021 --> 00:09:26,487
Now I know what Bill Clinton
feels like.
276
00:09:26,556 --> 00:09:28,656
Now I know
how Monica Lewinsky feels!
277
00:09:28,723 --> 00:09:30,791
I'm sorry I made you
feel like Monica Lewinsky.
278
00:09:30,859 --> 00:09:31,559
Stop crying!
279
00:09:31,626 --> 00:09:33,326
You are literally
280
00:09:33,394 --> 00:09:35,395
the ugliest crier
I have ever seen!
281
00:09:35,463 --> 00:09:37,531
You cry smile.
282
00:09:37,599 --> 00:09:38,832
Hey, babe, I'm here for lunch.
283
00:09:38,900 --> 00:09:40,534
- Oh!
- Oh.
284
00:09:40,602 --> 00:09:42,169
Oh, no, are you crying?
285
00:09:42,236 --> 00:09:45,171
Is everything okay?
286
00:09:45,738 --> 00:09:47,907
There's-there's...
287
00:09:48,208 --> 00:09:50,342
I'm sorry to have to
break it to you,
288
00:09:50,410 --> 00:09:51,396
but that is the way
289
00:09:51,419 --> 00:09:53,700
the electoral college works,
man.
290
00:09:53,747 --> 00:09:56,382
It-it seems so unfair.
291
00:09:56,450 --> 00:09:58,417
So votes don't mean as much.
292
00:09:58,485 --> 00:09:59,790
It upsets me, too.
293
00:10:06,278 --> 00:10:07,593
I'm gonna miss you, Winston.
294
00:10:07,631 --> 00:10:09,015
- What do you mean?
- I'm gonna miss you
295
00:10:09,082 --> 00:10:10,983
when your caravan moves on
to the next village.
296
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:13,986
Oh, my God!
297
00:10:14,554 --> 00:10:16,289
He has a girlfriend!
298
00:10:16,356 --> 00:10:17,923
He cheated on his girlfriend
299
00:10:17,991 --> 00:10:19,058
with me.
300
00:10:19,126 --> 00:10:20,125
I'm a cheater.
301
00:10:20,192 --> 00:10:21,593
P. Genz played you?
302
00:10:21,661 --> 00:10:22,594
I saw her.
303
00:10:22,662 --> 00:10:25,363
She looks like an Asian me.
304
00:10:26,032 --> 00:10:28,533
Asian Jess. Wo-- Ow.
305
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:29,934
I can't even backslide right.
306
00:10:30,002 --> 00:10:31,002
I've been her.
307
00:10:31,070 --> 00:10:32,904
I've been Asian me before.
308
00:10:32,971 --> 00:10:34,472
Are you gonna keep calling her
"Asian me,"
309
00:10:34,540 --> 00:10:35,740
because it's becoming
a problem for me.
310
00:10:35,807 --> 00:10:37,408
I don't know her name, Schmidt.
311
00:10:37,475 --> 00:10:39,476
But I do know
that if I were her,
312
00:10:39,544 --> 00:10:42,112
I would want to know what kind
of person I was dating.
313
00:10:42,180 --> 00:10:43,880
And that's why
I have to tell her.
314
00:10:43,948 --> 00:10:45,482
- What? No, don't do that.
- Please don't do that.
315
00:10:45,550 --> 00:10:46,917
Mm-mm. Sometimes, when
you make a mistake,
316
00:10:46,984 --> 00:10:49,686
all you can do is own up to it,
all right?
317
00:10:49,754 --> 00:10:51,388
Because it's something
you can't fix.
318
00:10:51,456 --> 00:10:52,225
Knowledge.
319
00:10:52,262 --> 00:10:53,860
Take it easy,
black George Michael.
320
00:10:54,024 --> 00:10:54,957
I have to do it.
321
00:10:55,025 --> 00:10:56,992
I have to tell her.
322
00:10:57,061 --> 00:10:59,195
61 years we've been together.
323
00:10:59,263 --> 00:11:00,196
14 presidents
324
00:11:00,264 --> 00:11:02,598
and four different Batmen.
325
00:11:02,666 --> 00:11:04,283
Why don't we go for a walk?
326
00:11:04,349 --> 00:11:05,666
I'm just gonna go get
your sweater.
327
00:11:05,689 --> 00:11:07,072
- I'll be back in a second.
- Oh, thanks, sweetie.
328
00:11:07,116 --> 00:11:08,754
- Give me one second.
- Wow,
329
00:11:08,797 --> 00:11:11,340
so you guys are like
real live Yodas, huh?
330
00:11:11,414 --> 00:11:12,851
Can I ask you a question?
331
00:11:12,896 --> 00:11:14,546
- Yeah.
- Shoot, cowboy.
332
00:11:14,598 --> 00:11:16,120
How do you build a relationship?
333
00:11:16,170 --> 00:11:17,736
How 'bout Viagra?
334
00:11:17,913 --> 00:11:19,914
I use it just to keep
from falling out of bed.
335
00:11:19,982 --> 00:11:21,849
How does a guy like me
have a chance
336
00:11:21,917 --> 00:11:23,751
at making someone
like Cece happy?
337
00:11:23,819 --> 00:11:26,320
You don't. Not with all those
moles on your face.
338
00:11:26,388 --> 00:11:28,789
- I should just give up, huh?
- That's crazy!
339
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:29,790
She needs you!
340
00:11:31,794 --> 00:11:33,794
You are exactly what she needs.
341
00:11:37,599 --> 00:11:38,799
Here's your sweater, Dadi.
342
00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:40,400
Oh, thank you.
343
00:11:40,468 --> 00:11:42,202
Um, I'll meet you out there
in a second, okay?
344
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:43,503
Okay.
345
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,005
Take it easy, Burt.
346
00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:50,576
You know, for the first
time in my life
347
00:11:50,644 --> 00:11:53,980
I actually feel like I want
something that lasts.
348
00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:57,917
And I want it with you.
349
00:11:57,985 --> 00:12:02,021
I feel... the same way.
350
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:04,022
You do?
351
00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:06,024
Oh!
352
00:12:06,092 --> 00:12:07,759
- It hurts so bad, because...
- What's turning you on?
353
00:12:07,827 --> 00:12:08,994
- Oh...
- The queen of diamonds?
354
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:10,662
- The bow?
- Oh, my God.
355
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,030
The teeth in the glass?
356
00:12:12,098 --> 00:12:13,531
I care about you so much.
357
00:12:13,599 --> 00:12:15,500
- The leaf painting?
- But...
358
00:12:15,567 --> 00:12:17,936
Is emotional intimacy
turning you on?
359
00:12:20,105 --> 00:12:21,905
Are you in that much pain?
360
00:12:22,473 --> 00:12:23,440
Uh, he passed out.
361
00:12:23,508 --> 00:12:24,775
We need help!
362
00:12:24,843 --> 00:12:26,406
Yo. What's up, man?
363
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:27,887
- How'd the audition go?
- What?
364
00:12:28,009 --> 00:12:30,076
- For the Disney pirate movie?
- Ha-ha.
365
00:12:30,098 --> 00:12:31,287
Hey, Mr. T called.
366
00:12:31,318 --> 00:12:33,395
He wants to punch you because
that earring looks stupid.
367
00:12:33,435 --> 00:12:34,522
I mean, Lil' Wayne
wears it, so...
368
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,335
Oh, Little Wayne Gonzales
from Brazil?
369
00:12:36,508 --> 00:12:39,016
Who came to the United States
to dance and be free!
370
00:12:39,142 --> 00:12:40,943
You can't touch me, baby.
I'm in the prime of my life.
371
00:12:41,458 --> 00:12:43,317
Tell me, what are you doing?
What you been doing all day?
372
00:12:43,352 --> 00:12:45,654
Oh, I'm actually looking for
an apartment. It's for Caroline.
373
00:12:45,697 --> 00:12:47,560
She's looking for a new
apartment, and she asked me if
374
00:12:47,591 --> 00:12:49,515
I wanted to move in with her,
and I'm thinking about it.
375
00:12:49,599 --> 00:12:52,346
Cool! Cool, cool,
sounds like so much fun.
376
00:12:52,369 --> 00:12:54,237
I'm really glad that's your
reaction, because I thought
377
00:12:54,263 --> 00:12:56,026
you were going to tell me
I was making a huge mistake.
378
00:12:56,034 --> 00:12:57,174
Honestly, I didn't
want to hear that.
379
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,401
Wouldn't do that,
that'd be silly.
380
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,605
What are you doing? Huh? What?
381
00:13:06,665 --> 00:13:07,996
No, Nick...
No, no, no! No!
382
00:13:08,016 --> 00:13:10,983
Nick. Nick. Nick, Nick!
Nick! Don't!
383
00:13:11,017 --> 00:13:12,221
It's for your own good.
384
00:13:12,238 --> 00:13:14,006
- Get out of there!
- What are you...? No, Schmidt!
385
00:13:14,041 --> 00:13:15,372
Grab him!
Okay, grab him.
386
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:16,226
You got him?
387
00:13:16,309 --> 00:13:17,751
- Watch the television.
- You got him?
388
00:13:17,776 --> 00:13:18,753
Watch it. Watch it.
389
00:13:18,784 --> 00:13:20,479
Watch the television.
Watch the TV...
390
00:13:20,516 --> 00:13:21,883
All right, all right,
watch the TV.
391
00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:23,101
- Hello, Nick...
- No!
392
00:13:23,215 --> 00:13:24,649
In all its glory, watch it.
393
00:13:24,794 --> 00:13:26,962
- You magnificent dumb-ass.
- Come on.
394
00:13:27,101 --> 00:13:28,580
If you're watching this,
395
00:13:28,611 --> 00:13:30,679
it's because you decided
to get back with Caroline.
396
00:13:30,744 --> 00:13:32,344
Yes, Nick. I did.
397
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:34,179
Well, congratulations,
you idiot.
398
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:36,882
- She destroyed you.
- You don't know me, you jerk!
399
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,951
These, my dumb friend,
are your tears.
400
00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:40,885
- And you saved them all.
- I got him, I got him.
401
00:13:40,917 --> 00:13:42,174
Think back, Nick, Stay still.
402
00:13:42,211 --> 00:13:43,508
Or whatever they call you
in your time.
403
00:13:43,589 --> 00:13:45,557
Who dumped you three times?
404
00:13:45,624 --> 00:13:47,959
Once before you had to speak
at your brother's wedding.
405
00:13:48,026 --> 00:13:49,529
Well, he's divorced now,
so I'll get another shot.
406
00:13:49,570 --> 00:13:51,172
- This is a poem you wrote about Caroline...
- I don't want the poem.
407
00:13:51,229 --> 00:13:52,630
- I don't want the poem.
- You're getting the poem.
408
00:13:52,698 --> 00:13:54,499
But you're too emotional
to read it right now.
409
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:56,700
You're going to give it
to Schmidt for safekeeping.
410
00:14:00,605 --> 00:14:02,205
This is your doing, Caroline.
411
00:14:02,273 --> 00:14:03,774
You were right to
have trusted me.
412
00:14:03,842 --> 00:14:05,909
Two years I held this thing.
413
00:14:05,977 --> 00:14:07,878
- Read it.
Here they come.
414
00:14:07,946 --> 00:14:09,379
Okay.
415
00:14:09,447 --> 00:14:12,548
"Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?
416
00:14:12,616 --> 00:14:15,384
No, a summer's day
is not a bitch."
417
00:14:15,452 --> 00:14:17,520
Really, Nick?
418
00:14:17,588 --> 00:14:19,041
That's how you want
to talk about Caroline?
419
00:14:19,085 --> 00:14:20,741
I can't move, my
earring is stuck.
420
00:14:20,768 --> 00:14:22,338
But there's something
I want to do to you, then.
421
00:14:22,382 --> 00:14:24,191
Don't move, don't move.
Don't move, Nick, don't move!
422
00:14:24,237 --> 00:14:25,581
Let's have a conversation like men!
Let's act like men, Nick! Ah!
423
00:14:25,636 --> 00:14:27,236
You want to act like men,
let's act like men.
424
00:14:27,323 --> 00:14:29,902
Look at how far
you've come, Nick.
425
00:14:29,934 --> 00:14:32,294
- Want to be a bartender forever, pal?
- I'm still a bartender.
426
00:14:32,334 --> 00:14:34,035
You want to be a grown man
427
00:14:34,103 --> 00:14:36,905
who dresses like an unsponsored
professional skateboarder?
428
00:14:36,973 --> 00:14:39,374
You don't want to live like
this. You're moving on.
429
00:14:39,441 --> 00:14:40,976
I'm here to tell you
you're doing the right thing,
430
00:14:41,043 --> 00:14:42,544
so just keep going.
431
00:14:42,612 --> 00:14:45,479
Can I talk to you Nick-to-Nick
for a second?
432
00:14:45,547 --> 00:14:48,048
I respect you, man.
You're rocking the hell
433
00:14:48,116 --> 00:14:50,384
out of that beard,
and the long hair looks good,
434
00:14:50,451 --> 00:14:52,052
despite what other people
are gonna say.
435
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:53,988
Look, the Caroline
that broke your heart,
436
00:14:54,047 --> 00:14:56,027
I get why you don't like her.
437
00:14:56,058 --> 00:14:57,659
But it's a different Caroline
that's picking me up
438
00:14:57,729 --> 00:14:59,562
in five minutes, Nick.
439
00:15:00,098 --> 00:15:02,036
Do you want me to live alone
in this loft
440
00:15:02,062 --> 00:15:03,562
for the rest of my life?
441
00:15:03,631 --> 00:15:06,900
Hey, what's the difference
between me and Bill Cosby?
442
00:15:06,967 --> 00:15:09,203
Well, thanks, guys. You helped
me figure something out.
443
00:15:09,228 --> 00:15:10,824
All right, well, look,
444
00:15:10,838 --> 00:15:12,972
I think this was a really
nice talk, Future Nick.
445
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,207
I hope you got something from
it, 'cause I know that I did.
446
00:15:17,209 --> 00:15:18,677
I'm gonna call her.
447
00:15:18,711 --> 00:15:20,879
- I have to call..
- No! Damn it, give me the phone.
448
00:15:20,916 --> 00:15:22,947
- Please get out of here, I have to call...
Coach! He's calling her again.
449
00:15:22,982 --> 00:15:26,552
- We lost him.
- We sure did, Captain Black Sparrow.
450
00:15:26,619 --> 00:15:28,086
- Hey, Paul.
- Hey.
451
00:15:28,154 --> 00:15:30,188
I'm not going to let you
lie to your girlfriend.
452
00:15:30,256 --> 00:15:32,289
Okay? It's not fair to her.
453
00:15:32,357 --> 00:15:34,825
So you have to tell her
what happened between us.
454
00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:36,093
Or I will.
455
00:15:36,161 --> 00:15:38,228
All right.
You're right.
456
00:15:38,295 --> 00:15:40,351
- I have to tell her.
- Yeah.
457
00:15:40,403 --> 00:15:42,624
I'm so scared, though.
I don't want to lose her, Jess.
458
00:15:42,667 --> 00:15:43,818
She's my soul mate.
459
00:15:43,854 --> 00:15:46,270
For someone with a soul mate,
you sure did have sex with me.
460
00:15:46,337 --> 00:15:48,605
I know. I know, and I don't
expect you to believe me--
461
00:15:48,673 --> 00:15:50,373
I wouldn't believe me
if I were you--
462
00:15:50,441 --> 00:15:52,742
but check it out.
463
00:15:52,810 --> 00:15:54,911
I even bought her
an engagement ring.
464
00:15:56,379 --> 00:15:57,448
Oh...
465
00:15:58,288 --> 00:16:00,462
That's... that's
really beautiful.
466
00:16:00,503 --> 00:16:02,226
I've been carrying it around
in my pocket for two weeks,
467
00:16:02,286 --> 00:16:03,852
trying to find the right way
to propose to her.
468
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:06,421
And I just started panicking,
and I got...
469
00:16:06,489 --> 00:16:09,357
I don't know, I got scared,
and-and-and really confused,
470
00:16:09,425 --> 00:16:11,226
and I'm so sorry
to drag you into this,
471
00:16:11,294 --> 00:16:12,728
but this was the biggest
mistake of my life.
472
00:16:12,796 --> 00:16:14,797
God, Paul, don't make me
feel sorry for you.
473
00:16:14,864 --> 00:16:16,065
I know. I messed up.
474
00:16:16,132 --> 00:16:17,833
Big-time.
475
00:16:17,901 --> 00:16:19,034
And I'm going to lose her.
476
00:16:19,102 --> 00:16:21,002
Oh, God, I can't lose her!
477
00:16:21,070 --> 00:16:23,404
Hey, babe, you left
your tuner in my car.
478
00:16:23,472 --> 00:16:26,040
Oh. Hi!
You're Jess, right?
479
00:16:26,108 --> 00:16:27,274
I'm Jenn.
480
00:16:27,342 --> 00:16:29,077
Jenn.
481
00:16:32,014 --> 00:16:33,781
Well, I was just leaving.
482
00:16:33,849 --> 00:16:36,583
- Jess and I slept together.
- Oh, God.
483
00:16:36,651 --> 00:16:38,384
- What? - I want to be
completely honest with you.
484
00:16:38,452 --> 00:16:40,253
It happened two days ago,
and we did lots of stuff.
485
00:16:40,321 --> 00:16:42,422
There was talking,
and there were hands,
486
00:16:42,490 --> 00:16:44,557
- and I think we ruined a throw pillow.
- He's making it sound
487
00:16:44,626 --> 00:16:46,159
a lot more erotic than it was.
488
00:16:46,227 --> 00:16:48,862
It was just, like,
lying there and... blah.
489
00:16:48,930 --> 00:16:50,731
I am so sorry.
490
00:16:50,798 --> 00:16:52,498
I'm... I'm begging you
to forgive me.
491
00:16:52,565 --> 00:16:54,466
I thought you loved me.
492
00:16:54,534 --> 00:16:55,835
I'm so sorry.
493
00:16:55,902 --> 00:16:57,670
I'm an idiot!
494
00:16:59,506 --> 00:17:02,041
- I'm an idiot, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my God. No...
495
00:17:02,109 --> 00:17:04,844
Yeah, I'm such an idiot.
496
00:17:04,911 --> 00:17:06,378
Good-bye, Paul.
497
00:17:06,446 --> 00:17:08,579
Oh, no.
Wait. Wait. Jenn?
498
00:17:08,648 --> 00:17:10,214
Haven't you done enough?
499
00:17:10,282 --> 00:17:13,652
Yeah, I have.
I have done enough, but...
500
00:17:15,655 --> 00:17:18,389
I know how you feel.
501
00:17:18,457 --> 00:17:20,959
I've been there.
I've been cheated on before,
502
00:17:21,027 --> 00:17:22,694
and it feels like someone
503
00:17:22,762 --> 00:17:24,494
dropped an anvil on your heart.
504
00:17:24,562 --> 00:17:26,997
Um, but...
505
00:17:27,065 --> 00:17:29,800
That guy wasn't right for me.
506
00:17:30,368 --> 00:17:31,035
You guys...
507
00:17:31,102 --> 00:17:32,836
You guys are perfect together.
508
00:17:34,238 --> 00:17:35,906
I thought you were Asian me,
509
00:17:35,974 --> 00:17:39,009
but now I realize
I'm just Caucasian you.
510
00:17:39,077 --> 00:17:40,342
- What?
- What?
511
00:17:40,410 --> 00:17:41,878
Paul was scared.
512
00:17:41,945 --> 00:17:43,112
And when you're scared,
513
00:17:43,180 --> 00:17:45,114
you do stupid things.
514
00:17:45,182 --> 00:17:47,116
He made a really
terrible mistake.
515
00:17:47,184 --> 00:17:49,052
Really terrible.
516
00:17:49,119 --> 00:17:51,688
The things that we did
48 hours ago were so dark...
517
00:17:51,755 --> 00:17:53,389
- I'm handling this.
- Sorry.
518
00:17:53,456 --> 00:17:55,824
Jenn...
519
00:17:55,892 --> 00:17:57,292
you love Paul.
520
00:17:57,859 --> 00:17:58,860
I know that
521
00:17:58,928 --> 00:18:00,361
because you're still
standing here.
522
00:18:00,429 --> 00:18:02,798
What you guys have...
523
00:18:02,865 --> 00:18:04,399
it's way bigger than me.
524
00:18:05,216 --> 00:18:06,868
And I think...
525
00:18:06,936 --> 00:18:08,704
I think Paul has something
to ask you.
526
00:18:10,206 --> 00:18:12,339
I know this is not
the right time to do this,
527
00:18:12,407 --> 00:18:14,842
in fact, this is
a terrible time to do this,
528
00:18:14,910 --> 00:18:16,744
but I don't care.
529
00:18:16,812 --> 00:18:18,746
I want to spend the rest
of my life with you,
530
00:18:18,814 --> 00:18:21,215
Jennifer Ruth Toyogi.
531
00:18:21,282 --> 00:18:23,884
- I know that now more than ever.
- Now that you slept with her.
532
00:18:23,952 --> 00:18:26,921
Happy to help.
Uh-huh.
533
00:18:26,988 --> 00:18:30,623
If... if you still love me,
at all...
534
00:18:30,691 --> 00:18:32,525
Of course I still do. I...
535
00:18:33,894 --> 00:18:35,628
Oh, yeah.
536
00:18:35,696 --> 00:18:36,763
Um...
537
00:18:38,332 --> 00:18:39,498
Ooh...
538
00:18:39,566 --> 00:18:41,134
Will you... will you...
539
00:18:41,202 --> 00:18:43,269
will you, will you marry him?
540
00:18:43,337 --> 00:18:45,570
Yeah.
541
00:18:51,211 --> 00:18:52,945
- Is that a "yes"?
- Yes.
542
00:19:07,173 --> 00:19:09,403
So you and Cece are staying
away from each other.
543
00:19:09,459 --> 00:19:10,859
Only until my penis
stops looking
544
00:19:10,926 --> 00:19:12,728
like a knotted wizard's staff.
545
00:19:12,795 --> 00:19:14,995
- That sounds tough, man.
- Guys like us--
546
00:19:15,063 --> 00:19:17,698
Nick, too--
we're warriors.
547
00:19:17,766 --> 00:19:19,933
We just keep on fighting,
and holding on,
548
00:19:20,001 --> 00:19:22,370
even when we know we're
just making a big mistake.
549
00:19:22,437 --> 00:19:23,871
Like Nick and Caroline.
550
00:19:23,938 --> 00:19:26,006
- And that earring.
- I'm not giving this thing up.
551
00:19:26,074 --> 00:19:27,575
You look like you were caught
by a fly fisherman.
552
00:19:27,642 --> 00:19:28,942
Dude, I've had it with
the earring jokes.
553
00:19:29,010 --> 00:19:30,443
You look like you should be
standing in line
554
00:19:30,511 --> 00:19:32,178
to get into Shaquille O'Neal's
birthday party.
555
00:19:32,246 --> 00:19:33,279
Oh, my God, you guys.
556
00:19:33,347 --> 00:19:35,314
The most exciting thing
just happened.
557
00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:38,184
I helped Paul propose to his
girlfriend. They are engaged.
558
00:19:38,252 --> 00:19:39,819
- Awesome. - I feel like you're
leaving out part of that story.
559
00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:42,121
Where's Nick?
I want to tell him.
560
00:19:42,189 --> 00:19:43,723
This should be fun. Um...
561
00:19:43,791 --> 00:19:45,425
yeah, Nick has something
to tell you, too.
562
00:19:45,493 --> 00:19:47,459
- He's in the bathroom.
- Oh, great.
563
00:19:48,728 --> 00:19:50,962
- Really?
- She's gonna find out anyway.
564
00:19:51,030 --> 00:19:52,964
Nick! Nick!
565
00:19:53,032 --> 00:19:54,633
- Hey.
- What, Jess?
566
00:19:55,201 --> 00:19:58,704
Um, Paul proposed to his
girlfriend in front of me.
567
00:19:59,522 --> 00:20:00,739
That sounds pretty awkward.
568
00:20:00,807 --> 00:20:02,940
She said yes, and it
was... it was really...
569
00:20:03,008 --> 00:20:04,308
it was really beautiful.
570
00:20:04,376 --> 00:20:06,444
And it made me
realize something.
571
00:20:06,512 --> 00:20:09,046
You're wrong. All the stuff
you said about Caroline,
572
00:20:09,114 --> 00:20:11,348
being about timing,
573
00:20:11,417 --> 00:20:13,918
and it just making sense?
574
00:20:14,735 --> 00:20:15,820
No.
575
00:20:15,888 --> 00:20:19,523
Because if you really
love someone, it's simple.
576
00:20:20,340 --> 00:20:22,426
Okay. Well, I understand
what you're saying, but...
577
00:20:22,493 --> 00:20:24,761
You deserve something amazing.
578
00:20:24,829 --> 00:20:27,163
And... you deserve love.
579
00:20:28,231 --> 00:20:29,733
I know you don't
want to be alone,
580
00:20:30,451 --> 00:20:32,001
but I'm going to be there,
581
00:20:32,069 --> 00:20:35,704
and I'll tell that Tom Waits
voice in your head to shut up.
582
00:20:37,874 --> 00:20:39,975
We don't have to settle...
583
00:20:40,043 --> 00:20:42,077
Nick.
584
00:20:42,145 --> 00:20:44,146
You're the best.
585
00:20:46,049 --> 00:20:47,449
I'm moving in with Caroline.
586
00:20:52,019 --> 00:20:53,654
We signed a lease this morning.
587
00:20:54,389 --> 00:20:56,624
Thanks for saying
all that stuff.
588
00:21:05,884 --> 00:21:07,619
Now that I got your attention,
Future Nick,
589
00:21:07,687 --> 00:21:11,154
there's a few things
I'd like to talk to you about.
590
00:21:11,272 --> 00:21:12,940
Be nicer to your mom
when she calls.
591
00:21:13,007 --> 00:21:14,608
Stop giving yourself high fives.
592
00:21:14,676 --> 00:21:16,710
Put your head underwater,
you two-year-old.
593
00:21:16,778 --> 00:21:19,145
Be nicer to Coach,
or he's gonna take off,
594
00:21:19,513 --> 00:21:21,081
live with a bunch
of other white people.
595
00:21:21,148 --> 00:21:22,282
I no fake karate.
596
00:21:22,350 --> 00:21:23,916
I'm Nick, I'm grumpy.
597
00:21:23,984 --> 00:21:25,417
I'm going to put
my baby hood on.
598
00:21:25,486 --> 00:21:27,487
Sex is a sprint,
not a marathon.
599
00:21:27,554 --> 00:21:29,421
♪ You are special,
you are special ♪
600
00:21:29,490 --> 00:21:31,557
♪ You... ♪
601
00:21:31,625 --> 00:21:33,659
We'll see each other
in the future...
602
00:21:33,727 --> 00:21:35,928
unless I see you first.
Nick Miller!
603
00:21:35,996 --> 00:21:41,130
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