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Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru
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Must be an easier
way of taking off those trainers.
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Tonight on Channel 5,
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the tragic story of the girl that
was born with no knees or elbows.
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I can't believe you're doing all
this training just for a fun run.
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Fun run?
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Well, it's not exactly
a serious race, is it?
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I bet you'll see more
Honey Monsters than Kenyans.
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It's still 10km!
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Imagine having to run to
the supermarket, then back,
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then again, then back,
and then again, and then back.
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Easy. You reckon?
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Yeah, I'd use Ocado.
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You're jealous,
you know you couldn't do it.
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10km? I could do it
standing on my head.
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Come on then, enter the race, show
me what you've got, Paula Radcliffe.
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Never say that to Paula Radcliffe.
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You said you could do it
standing on your head.
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Definitely don't say that to
Paula Radcliffe.
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All right...
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Put me down.
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Oh, why is there never a vet
around when you need one?
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You've got to train
for these things.
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I know. In fact, I think I might pop
out now and do a quick three-miler.
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All right, well, take it easy,
especially on your first day.
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Thanks for the advice, but I
was doing half marathons
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when you were still
in your school uniform.
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Only you could say that
and make it sound like an alibi.
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Almost there.
Aghh! Not too fast.
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This is like doing
the three-legged-race
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with my less-developed Siamese twin.
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Thanks for picking me up.
That's all right.
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How far did you run exactly?
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Just less than three.
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Miles or kilometres?
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Minutes.
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Well, I wasn't
expecting to pull something.
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Please don't say that
when you've got your arm around me.
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Especially not dressed like that.
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Did you remember to stretch?
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I want to get faster, not longer.
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Yes, I am. Pint of lager, please.
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And a tomato juice for the wife.
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Anyway, what's the point?
Lucy's right.
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I'm clearly not up to this.
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Is that what this is all about, then,
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trying to prove yourself
to your beloved landlady?
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Yeah, Tim, that's right.
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I figured if I can run faster
than your sister
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she might let me have sex with her.
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That's how all northerners
get a mate, isn't it?
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You'll be fine,
all you need is a sports massage.
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I know someone good.
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They helped me out recently
with a squash injury.
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A squash injury? What happened?
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00:03:05,115 --> 00:03:07,915
Did you injure yourself letting
the lid off the Um Bongo bottle?
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00:03:09,995 --> 00:03:13,595
Um Bongo doesn't come in a bottle,
it's a fruit drink in a pouch.
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Do you think the Chuckle Brothers
argue like this?
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Trust me, this masseur's brilliant.
Give him a go.
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Him?
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You let a bloke massage you?
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Where was the injury?
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If you must know,
it was a groin injury.
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What, you mean way down deep
in the middle of the Congo?
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Sorry, I've got the Um Bongo
advert in my head now.
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I'll book my own massage, thank you.
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Do me a favour,
don't tell Lucy I'm injured,
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I don't want her thinking
I'm dropping out.
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Dropping out? In those little shorts
I think it's unavoidable.
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Letting a bloke massage you.
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You're unbelievable.
I bet you insist on a woman
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when you get yourself waxed
as well, don't you?
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Oh, hello. How come
I didn't see you last night?
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Oh, I just fancied going
straight to bed after my run.
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Oh, you ran quite far,
then, did you?
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Yeah, I almost ended
up at the hospital.
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That's quite far, actually.
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I'm very impressed.
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What you doing?
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Having my breakfast.
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Why aren't you sitting down?
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Seemed appropriate
having my breakfast high up.
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Why?
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It's Alpen.
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00:05:04,795 --> 00:05:06,955
Ooops! Avalanche.
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00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:10,754
What time you back tonight?
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00:05:10,755 --> 00:05:13,434
Not until late.
I'm going to run back. Why?
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I've got a woman coming round.
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Oh, yeah? Has the chloroform
rubbed off already?
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What woman?
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Personal trainer. She's going to
take me to the next level.
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00:05:25,955 --> 00:05:29,234
Blimey, listen to Usain Bolt.
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Well Usain Bolt, I say tomato.
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Well, aren't you going to
get the brush?
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Yeah. Soon as I've finished
my breakfast.
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00:05:48,475 --> 00:05:50,755
I might tell Weight Watchers
about this idea.
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Oh!
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Ow! Aghhh!
That really hurts, you know.
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What is it you English say?
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"Without you having
any of the pain first,
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"then there is not going to be
any of the gain afterwards."
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I don't think we say it
quite as succinctly as that.
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Arghhh! You're making joke, right?
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You are saying
I say this thing wrong way.
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It sound different when I say it
because it is too long, right?
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Hmm. I understand. It is funny
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You do know a laugh would have
covered all that, don't you?
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Aghhh!
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Have you done a massage before?
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Of course.
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Back in Warsaw I am known as Claudia
Gentle She Goat Hoof Fingers.
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It translates better in Polish.
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Argghh! I'll tell you
where the plans are hidden.
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OK, time for T-shirt off, I think.
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Why? Are you going fight me now?
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Off, please. It's only my
leg that's injured.
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Don't be shy.
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I am sure you have very nice body.
Thank you very much.
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I've got a very nice bathroom,
do you need to see that too?
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00:07:08,636 --> 00:07:11,714
What? You prefer to do it
in the bathroom?
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Do what?
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Happy ending.
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Are you going to read to me?
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If you like.
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You want to pretend to
be baby, right?
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You want Mamma to read to you
and change your nappy?
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Are you talking on one of those
Bluetooth thingies?
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Sorry...
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00:07:39,035 --> 00:07:41,314
are you erm...
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prostitute?
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00:07:43,435 --> 00:07:46,674
No. I am a professional nurse
working for NHS,
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this is new service we provide.
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You see, now I do joke.
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Of course I am prostitute.
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00:07:55,795 --> 00:07:58,034
The advert in the newsagent
window said massage.
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00:07:58,035 --> 00:08:00,354
It says "exotic massage."
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00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:03,154
I thought it meant you were
Brazilian or something.
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00:08:03,155 --> 00:08:05,035
I do HAVE Brazilian.
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00:08:08,715 --> 00:08:10,274
You want to see?
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00:08:10,275 --> 00:08:13,314
You just leave Juninho where he is,
thank you very much.
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00:08:13,315 --> 00:08:16,194
I'm sorry, there's been
a bit of a crossed wire here,
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could you just leave please?
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I don't leave until you pay me.
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£100.
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00:08:23,315 --> 00:08:24,714
We didn't do anything.
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00:08:24,715 --> 00:08:27,594
That's not my fault.
You pay me for one hour.
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An hour?
It wouldn't have taken me an hour.
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00:08:30,235 --> 00:08:32,154
How long would it have taken you?
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00:08:32,155 --> 00:08:34,955
I'll cover the cost
of your travel card.
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Pay me or I send round man.
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00:08:40,315 --> 00:08:43,794
He has special way of dealing
with people like you.
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00:08:43,795 --> 00:08:46,554
He will break every
bone in your body.
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00:08:46,555 --> 00:08:48,595
I'm surprised you need him.
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00:08:53,235 --> 00:08:57,755
If you are hooker as well,
make sure he pays you first.
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00:09:01,795 --> 00:09:04,075
Nice day at the office?
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00:09:07,795 --> 00:09:09,035
I don't know what's worse.
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00:09:09,036 --> 00:09:11,154
You using the services of
women like that here,
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or the fact that she
thought I was one too.
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What kind of hooker
dresses like this?
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00:09:15,635 --> 00:09:17,034
Sebastian Ho?
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00:09:17,035 --> 00:09:20,554
Lucy, do I look like the type
of person who pays for sex?
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00:09:20,555 --> 00:09:24,315
Not usually, no. It would be
a bit odd paying yourself.
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I thought she was a genuine
sports massage person.
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Is that right?
And why would you need one of those?
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I got injured yesterday running.
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Lucy, think what you like about me,
but I've never lied to you.
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I thought you said
the run went well.
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I lied.
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I didn't want you thinking
I was some sort of failure.
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00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:44,994
Oh, well, nothing screams success
more than being caught
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00:09:44,995 --> 00:09:46,835
in your pants with
a six-foot hooker.
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00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:48,833
I thought you were going
to be back late.
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00:09:48,834 --> 00:09:50,035
I forgot my stopwatch.
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Unlike you, I was planning more than
30 seconds of active exercise today.
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Oh, will you stop doing that,
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following me round pretending
you're injured?
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00:10:01,235 --> 00:10:03,395
You're like an appeal
for abused whippets.
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00:10:05,275 --> 00:10:08,074
Right, if you don't believe me,
I'll phone that Claudia woman now
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00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:12,114
and she can prove I'm telling
the truth. Where's that number?
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You're such a liar.
It was in my top pocket.
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Look, Lucy, I promise,
nothing happened between us.
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Blimey, rejected by a hooker.
That's a new low, even for you.
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00:10:22,675 --> 00:10:24,674
I wasn't rejected,
I declined her services.
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00:10:24,675 --> 00:10:25,715
Why did you pay her?
187
00:10:25,716 --> 00:10:28,314
Because she rubbed
oil at the top of my legs.
188
00:10:28,315 --> 00:10:30,435
Just the tree trunks,
not the acorns.
189
00:10:31,835 --> 00:10:34,194
And that costs £100, does it?
190
00:10:34,195 --> 00:10:36,994
No, the £100 was to stop
the pimp beating me up.
191
00:10:36,995 --> 00:10:38,913
You've met
the pimp as well, have you?
192
00:10:38,914 --> 00:10:40,875
No, I haven't met the pimp!
And I don't want to.
193
00:10:40,876 --> 00:10:43,794
The best way to not meet him is to
always pay to the prostitute.
194
00:10:43,795 --> 00:10:46,635
Now you're just quoting the motto
from your family's coat of arms.
195
00:10:54,635 --> 00:10:57,794
A lady of the night? Blimey.
196
00:10:57,795 --> 00:11:00,994
Well, I suppose it is the oldest
profession in the world.
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00:11:00,995 --> 00:11:03,034
I've never really understood
how that worked.
198
00:11:03,035 --> 00:11:04,313
How do you mean?
199
00:11:04,314 --> 00:11:06,275
If it's the oldest
profession in the world,
200
00:11:06,276 --> 00:11:08,914
at some point it must have been
the first and only profession.
201
00:11:08,915 --> 00:11:10,234
So?
202
00:11:10,235 --> 00:11:14,074
So where was everyone else
getting the money to pay for it?
203
00:11:14,075 --> 00:11:15,955
Look, Tim, I need you
to do me a favour.
204
00:11:15,956 --> 00:11:18,074
Can you go round to the flat
and tell Lucy that
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00:11:18,075 --> 00:11:21,194
I got injured running yesterday and
that you suggested a sports massage?
206
00:11:21,195 --> 00:11:23,754
Are you sure you're giving me
the whole picture here?
207
00:11:23,755 --> 00:11:25,634
What's that supposed to mean?
208
00:11:25,635 --> 00:11:29,474
You were very adamant about not have
a man massaging you, weren't you?
209
00:11:29,475 --> 00:11:32,634
Why do you choose a woman to
do your cleaning?
210
00:11:32,635 --> 00:11:35,754
Because I don't want some strange
bloke walking round my flat.
211
00:11:35,755 --> 00:11:37,155
I prefer a woman doing it.
212
00:11:37,156 --> 00:11:40,274
So that means you want to have
sex with her, right? Of course not.
213
00:11:40,275 --> 00:11:42,274
Apart from the obvious moral
argument,
214
00:11:42,275 --> 00:11:45,035
at £9.50 an hour, I want
her fully focused on the dusting.
215
00:11:46,275 --> 00:11:48,314
Exactly. And at £100 an hour
216
00:11:48,315 --> 00:11:51,514
I wanted her focused on
my quadricep femoris.
217
00:11:51,515 --> 00:11:53,074
You are disgusting.
218
00:11:53,075 --> 00:11:54,754
It's a muscle.
219
00:11:54,755 --> 00:11:56,835
I don't care what it's classed as.
220
00:11:58,475 --> 00:12:00,914
Right, that's it. Come on
Where are we going?
221
00:12:00,915 --> 00:12:03,313
We're going to the newsagents
to find that phone number
222
00:12:03,314 --> 00:12:05,275
and you can phone that
bloody woman yourself.
223
00:12:05,276 --> 00:12:07,434
She'll confirm to you I'm
telling the truth.
224
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:09,114
Right. I will.
225
00:12:09,115 --> 00:12:12,474
I always think truth is a bit
like an expensive cashmere jumper.
226
00:12:12,475 --> 00:12:14,514
Ruined when stretched.
227
00:12:14,515 --> 00:12:17,474
I always think the truth is a like
an expensive roll of toilet paper.
228
00:12:17,475 --> 00:12:19,835
Wasted on arseholes.
229
00:12:29,155 --> 00:12:30,715
Where's it gone?
230
00:12:32,555 --> 00:12:35,954
I'm telling you, it was just there.
Well, it's not there any more, is it?
231
00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:38,275
Unless she's changed her name to
Puppies for Sale.
232
00:12:38,276 --> 00:12:40,714
She may as well have.
233
00:12:40,715 --> 00:12:42,994
I'm going to ask inside
234
00:12:42,995 --> 00:12:46,395
Of course you are. Why let a little
thing like dignity get in the way?
235
00:12:47,635 --> 00:12:49,555
Hello.
236
00:12:50,635 --> 00:12:52,435
Yes?
237
00:12:53,435 --> 00:12:57,715
There was a card in the window
earlier but now it's gone.
238
00:12:59,115 --> 00:13:02,034
"School children only allowed
when accompanied by an adult?"
239
00:13:02,035 --> 00:13:03,635
I've got ID.
240
00:13:05,475 --> 00:13:07,554
That's the card I took down.
241
00:13:07,555 --> 00:13:11,234
What about the... other one?
242
00:13:11,235 --> 00:13:12,874
You know, the...
243
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:15,274
the lady...
244
00:13:15,275 --> 00:13:17,234
who does the massage.
245
00:13:17,235 --> 00:13:19,914
Oh, that. I removed it.
246
00:13:19,915 --> 00:13:22,154
I felt it was inappropriate.
247
00:13:22,155 --> 00:13:23,515
I agree.
248
00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:26,914
Shouldn't be allowed.
I blame the men who ring.
249
00:13:26,915 --> 00:13:29,514
If it wasn't for them,
these women wouldn't be exploited.
250
00:13:29,515 --> 00:13:30,834
It's disgusting.
251
00:13:30,835 --> 00:13:32,555
Are you looking for
the phone number?
252
00:13:32,556 --> 00:13:33,954
Yes.
253
00:13:33,955 --> 00:13:35,674
Well, I've thrown it away.
254
00:13:35,675 --> 00:13:37,554
Oh.
255
00:13:37,555 --> 00:13:38,875
Is that all you came in for?
256
00:13:38,876 --> 00:13:39,955
No.
257
00:13:41,395 --> 00:13:43,075
Two Curly Wurlys, please.
258
00:13:45,275 --> 00:13:47,195
And one for yourself.
259
00:13:51,315 --> 00:13:54,114
Try Hanover Street.
260
00:13:54,115 --> 00:13:57,234
I believe that's where these
women like to tout for these
261
00:13:57,235 --> 00:13:59,394
desperate, sad individuals.
262
00:13:59,395 --> 00:14:01,714
I hope that's not aimed at me.
263
00:14:01,715 --> 00:14:05,555
I'll have you know I'm a valued and
respected member of the community.
264
00:14:07,595 --> 00:14:10,355
Which way's Hanover Street?
265
00:14:23,075 --> 00:14:24,315
I can't see her.
266
00:14:24,316 --> 00:14:27,074
Maybe we should ask one of the other
women if they know her.
267
00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:30,354
This is ridiculous
You're damn right it's ridiculous.
268
00:14:30,355 --> 00:14:33,714
All you have to say is, "Of course
I'll verify your story to Lucy,
269
00:14:33,715 --> 00:14:35,435
"you're not the type
of person to lie,
270
00:14:35,436 --> 00:14:37,474
"because you're an
honourable human being
271
00:14:37,475 --> 00:14:39,315
"who has some moral fibre
and decency."
272
00:14:40,475 --> 00:14:42,195
Let's ask that one
273
00:14:50,395 --> 00:14:53,554
Hi, darling.
Looking for some company?
274
00:14:53,555 --> 00:14:57,194
Actually, I've already got company.
275
00:14:57,195 --> 00:14:59,234
I see.
276
00:14:59,235 --> 00:15:01,394
I don't usually do
that sort of thing,
277
00:15:01,395 --> 00:15:03,875
but I'm sure we can come to some
sort of an arrangement.
278
00:15:03,876 --> 00:15:05,634
Oh, goodness.
279
00:15:05,635 --> 00:15:08,154
We don't want any of that
sort of thing, thank you very much.
280
00:15:08,155 --> 00:15:10,234
Certainly not with him
in the same room.
281
00:15:10,235 --> 00:15:12,795
I can just about tolerate having
him round for Sunday roast.
282
00:15:14,515 --> 00:15:16,354
What?
283
00:15:16,355 --> 00:15:21,394
One day, when you're a big boy,
I will explain why that was funny.
284
00:15:21,395 --> 00:15:23,314
Look, what do you want?
285
00:15:23,315 --> 00:15:25,475
Do you know where
I can find a woman called Claudia?
286
00:15:25,476 --> 00:15:27,754
Sounds like Dracula
but without the charm.
287
00:15:27,755 --> 00:15:29,554
Depends who's asking.
288
00:15:29,555 --> 00:15:31,834
You could be the filth
for all I know.
289
00:15:31,835 --> 00:15:35,514
And I ain't no grass, so if you
are rozzers, you can sling it.
290
00:15:35,515 --> 00:15:37,874
Fascinating! What?
291
00:15:37,875 --> 00:15:39,394
I haven't heard language like that
292
00:15:39,395 --> 00:15:42,034
since my youth club
production of My Fair Lady.
293
00:15:42,035 --> 00:15:44,714
Do you think you could help us
out before the Professor here
294
00:15:44,715 --> 00:15:47,195
tries to kidnap you
and work on your vowel sounds?
295
00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:49,074
I know where she is.
296
00:15:49,075 --> 00:15:50,874
But it'll cost ya.
297
00:15:50,875 --> 00:15:52,754
How much?
298
00:15:52,755 --> 00:15:55,034
80.
299
00:15:55,035 --> 00:15:58,274
£80 for directions?
My TomTom cost less than that.
300
00:15:58,275 --> 00:16:01,434
And I bet you won't tell us in the
voice of SpongeBob Square Pants.
301
00:16:01,435 --> 00:16:03,795
I could, but that'll cost ya more.
302
00:16:04,835 --> 00:16:06,234
OK, fine.
303
00:16:06,235 --> 00:16:08,715
Can you lend me £80?
304
00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:11,515
This is going on the bill.
305
00:16:11,516 --> 00:16:13,794
You now owe me £80
306
00:16:13,795 --> 00:16:16,674
plus 20 years of
self respect and happiness.
307
00:16:16,675 --> 00:16:19,355
All right, call it 85.
308
00:16:22,275 --> 00:16:26,315
She works from a house at the top
end of Jutland Street.
309
00:16:32,675 --> 00:16:34,915
Please tell me
that's an ice-cream van.
310
00:16:47,355 --> 00:16:49,314
Is this ever going to end?
311
00:16:49,315 --> 00:16:50,794
They'll let us go soon.
312
00:16:50,795 --> 00:16:53,394
I meant our friendship.
313
00:16:53,395 --> 00:16:55,234
My life's over.
314
00:16:55,235 --> 00:16:58,034
Your life's over?
What about when Lucy finds out?
315
00:16:58,035 --> 00:17:00,034
All this just
because of a stupid race.
316
00:17:00,035 --> 00:17:03,434
You're doing better than the other
race you're involved in. What race?
317
00:17:03,435 --> 00:17:05,155
The human race.
318
00:17:06,435 --> 00:17:08,394
Oh, hello, officer.
319
00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:10,035
Sit down.
320
00:17:12,075 --> 00:17:14,634
Look, there's been a huge mistake.
We're not kerb crawlers.
321
00:17:14,635 --> 00:17:17,033
We've never been in trouble
with the law in our lives.
322
00:17:17,034 --> 00:17:18,395
Isn't that right, Timothy?
323
00:17:18,396 --> 00:17:22,035
I was once ticked off for scrumping
apples, would that be on record?
324
00:17:23,155 --> 00:17:26,115
Of course not. That was months ago.
325
00:17:27,155 --> 00:17:29,314
Look, we weren't looking
for a prostitute.
326
00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:30,514
Is that right?
327
00:17:30,515 --> 00:17:34,434
Well, not that one anyway.
And which one were you looking for?
328
00:17:34,435 --> 00:17:36,475
The one that
I had in my flat earlier.
329
00:17:37,995 --> 00:17:40,194
So you had one in
your flat, did you?
330
00:17:40,195 --> 00:17:41,995
Yeah, I didn't know
she was a prostitute.
331
00:17:41,996 --> 00:17:43,714
Did any money change hands?
332
00:17:43,715 --> 00:17:45,594
No.
333
00:17:45,595 --> 00:17:47,674
Well, yes, but not
for anything untoward.
334
00:17:47,675 --> 00:17:50,274
It was all above board.
So why did you pay her?
335
00:17:50,275 --> 00:17:52,634
So her pimp wouldn't beat me up.
336
00:17:52,635 --> 00:17:54,435
I want a different lawyer.
337
00:17:55,635 --> 00:17:58,874
I'm sure if we can just find this
woman, she'll verify our story.
338
00:17:58,875 --> 00:18:01,474
It's a pity you didn't find her
then, isn't it?
339
00:18:01,475 --> 00:18:04,475
But there's another lady
here to see you.
340
00:18:06,435 --> 00:18:08,995
Oh, thank God.
It's Inspector Clouseau.
341
00:18:10,355 --> 00:18:11,914
Hello, sweetheart.
342
00:18:11,915 --> 00:18:15,114
I got a call from
the police station.
343
00:18:15,115 --> 00:18:17,194
It's not what it looks like.
344
00:18:17,195 --> 00:18:19,555
I know, it looks like a library.
345
00:18:21,395 --> 00:18:22,875
You didn't tell Lucy, did you?
346
00:18:22,876 --> 00:18:25,275
Of course not.
Why on earth would I tell Lucy?
347
00:18:27,675 --> 00:18:30,674
Oh, that Lucy. Yeah, I told her.
348
00:18:30,675 --> 00:18:33,115
I thought you meant my cousin's cat.
349
00:18:34,795 --> 00:18:37,233
Don't tell me, there's been
another misunderstanding.
350
00:18:37,234 --> 00:18:39,515
You didn't know this one was
a prostitute either,
351
00:18:39,516 --> 00:18:42,794
you just thought she was an overly
friendly lollipop lady.
352
00:18:42,795 --> 00:18:44,115
Look, I know you're cross
353
00:18:44,116 --> 00:18:46,675
Oh, this is no time for jokes, Lee.
354
00:18:48,835 --> 00:18:52,155
Oh, was that not a joke?
Lollipop lady... cross?
355
00:18:54,755 --> 00:18:56,874
Look, can I just explain?
356
00:18:56,875 --> 00:19:00,274
Forget it. I've come to tell you not
to bother coming back to the flat.
357
00:19:00,275 --> 00:19:02,714
Actually, I think he's telling
the truth, Lucy.
358
00:19:02,715 --> 00:19:04,475
Well, you would say that,
wouldn't you?
359
00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:07,434
You think you know your own brother,
walking round all posh
360
00:19:07,435 --> 00:19:09,994
and innocent like some
sort of Hugh Grant figure.
361
00:19:09,995 --> 00:19:11,794
Turns out you're just a...
362
00:19:11,795 --> 00:19:13,635
Well, a Hugh Grant figure.
363
00:19:14,955 --> 00:19:17,914
Come on, Daisy, we're leaving.
You can help me pack Lee's things.
364
00:19:17,915 --> 00:19:20,955
Where would I find a suit case?
I meant at the flat.
365
00:19:28,395 --> 00:19:30,594
Oh, well, at least
they've let us go.
366
00:19:30,595 --> 00:19:33,554
You heard the sergeant.
It still might be going to court.
367
00:19:33,555 --> 00:19:35,594
People like me can't go to prison.
368
00:19:35,595 --> 00:19:37,714
Don't worry, they'll treat
you like a king.
369
00:19:37,715 --> 00:19:39,514
Well... a queen.
370
00:19:39,515 --> 00:19:43,474
Look, stop panicking.
We are not going to prison
371
00:19:43,475 --> 00:19:45,394
and I'm not getting evicted.
372
00:19:45,395 --> 00:19:47,115
That woman told us where Claudia is
373
00:19:47,116 --> 00:19:49,794
and we are going straight round
there now and telling her
374
00:19:49,795 --> 00:19:52,194
she has to back up our
story to the police.
375
00:19:52,195 --> 00:19:54,194
Oh, thank Goodness.
I thought I was going home
376
00:19:54,195 --> 00:19:57,435
for a nice cup of tea and
a custard cream. To the brothel!
377
00:20:13,355 --> 00:20:15,154
You know the last foyer I was in?
378
00:20:15,155 --> 00:20:16,714
The Dorchester.
379
00:20:16,715 --> 00:20:19,754
And you know who
I saw sitting in there?
380
00:20:19,755 --> 00:20:22,115
Gloria Hunniford and Patricia Hodge.
381
00:20:23,755 --> 00:20:25,715
This is what being
your friend's all about.
382
00:20:29,275 --> 00:20:30,635
Is he the madam?
383
00:20:32,155 --> 00:20:33,635
Let me do the talking.
384
00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:38,435
Evening Madam... Sir.
385
00:20:39,435 --> 00:20:41,354
We're looking for a woman.
386
00:20:41,355 --> 00:20:43,035
Which one's it going to be?
387
00:20:45,635 --> 00:20:48,794
Blimey, Cilla, I preferred
the original show.
388
00:20:48,795 --> 00:20:51,674
Will it be number one, who says
she likes her men to be tall,
389
00:20:51,675 --> 00:20:53,915
dark and pay cash up front?
390
00:20:55,675 --> 00:20:58,434
I believe you've got a
Claudia working here.
391
00:20:58,435 --> 00:20:59,915
And who are you exactly?
392
00:21:00,915 --> 00:21:03,754
Actually... I'm one of her clients.
393
00:21:03,755 --> 00:21:05,154
I don't remember you.
394
00:21:05,155 --> 00:21:08,234
Well, I usually wear glasses,
395
00:21:08,235 --> 00:21:09,955
do you remember me now?
396
00:21:11,195 --> 00:21:15,034
Yeah he's the bloke who's always
in the tree opposite the building.
397
00:21:15,035 --> 00:21:17,514
Can we see her or not?
398
00:21:17,515 --> 00:21:19,275
Yeah, come on, don't bust our asses.
399
00:21:19,276 --> 00:21:23,874
You're looking at two cats wanting
to get jiggy with some hoes.
400
00:21:23,875 --> 00:21:25,875
Hammer time.
401
00:21:27,755 --> 00:21:30,714
Look, Tim, why don't you leave me
to talk to the gentleman.
402
00:21:30,715 --> 00:21:34,035
You go and talk to the nice ladies,
discuss make-up tips.
403
00:21:35,355 --> 00:21:38,554
Oh, actually, I'm going
to need some money.
404
00:21:38,555 --> 00:21:41,994
I'll tell you what, this whole
not actually using prostitutes thing
405
00:21:41,995 --> 00:21:43,915
is turning out pretty expensive.
406
00:21:45,435 --> 00:21:48,595
Actually, I don't suppose I could use
my Nectar... Of course not
407
00:21:50,755 --> 00:21:55,474
The thing is,
it's my friend's birthday today
408
00:21:55,475 --> 00:21:59,594
and I wanted to get him something
special, I usually get him a tie.
409
00:21:59,595 --> 00:22:01,835
Claudia's not a Thai, she's Polish.
410
00:22:03,755 --> 00:22:06,034
I meant something to
wrap around his neck.
411
00:22:06,035 --> 00:22:09,634
Actually Claudia sounds perfect,
second door on the left.
412
00:22:09,635 --> 00:22:12,154
And it's not just stationary
that's tax deductible,
413
00:22:12,155 --> 00:22:14,634
you should be keeping
receipts for everything.
414
00:22:14,635 --> 00:22:18,035
Make-up, lingerie... prophylactics.
415
00:22:19,795 --> 00:22:22,034
Careful, ladies.
The first five minutes is free
416
00:22:22,035 --> 00:22:25,395
but then he starts
charging his hourly rate.
417
00:22:27,715 --> 00:22:29,275
Yes?
418
00:22:31,875 --> 00:22:33,475
Oh, hello.
419
00:22:34,475 --> 00:22:36,314
What is matter now?
420
00:22:36,315 --> 00:22:39,075
Something other than your leg
stiff this time?
421
00:22:41,275 --> 00:22:42,755
This is my friend Tim.
422
00:22:43,795 --> 00:22:46,834
We, er, need to ask you a favour.
423
00:22:46,835 --> 00:22:48,634
It's his first time, right?
424
00:22:48,635 --> 00:22:50,074
No, of course it's not!
425
00:22:50,075 --> 00:22:52,835
Blimey, I'm 43, not 29 again.
426
00:22:56,835 --> 00:23:01,114
He doesn't want your...
services. Neither of us do.
427
00:23:01,115 --> 00:23:03,594
This room is for customers only.
428
00:23:03,595 --> 00:23:06,474
If Ronnie catches you just
talking to me,
429
00:23:06,475 --> 00:23:09,755
he will come in here with
baseball bat and break your legs.
430
00:23:15,315 --> 00:23:17,834
OK. How you want to do this?
431
00:23:17,835 --> 00:23:21,194
Separately or both at the same time?
432
00:23:21,195 --> 00:23:24,675
Good grief. Is it too late to take
the baseball bat?
433
00:23:25,915 --> 00:23:27,635
Why did we have to
take our clothes off?
434
00:23:27,636 --> 00:23:30,354
You heard the lady, Tim,
this room's for clients only.
435
00:23:30,355 --> 00:23:33,754
So? People can still have intimacy
with their clothes on.
436
00:23:33,755 --> 00:23:35,274
Have you heard of cuddling?
437
00:23:35,275 --> 00:23:37,594
A cuddling threesome?
438
00:23:37,595 --> 00:23:40,634
This is a brothel, Tim,
not an anger management workshop.
439
00:23:40,635 --> 00:23:45,674
This may not be your first time, but
it is first time with hooker, right?
440
00:23:45,675 --> 00:23:47,994
Believe it not, second time today.
441
00:23:47,995 --> 00:23:51,194
And if you think that's a shock to
you, imagine how it sounds to me.
442
00:23:51,195 --> 00:23:53,074
When I woke up this morning,
443
00:23:53,075 --> 00:23:56,515
my only plans were to buy some
waterproof bicycle panniers.
444
00:23:57,555 --> 00:23:59,234
What is panniers?
445
00:23:59,235 --> 00:24:03,354
A storage system to aid commuting,
which attaches to the main frame.
446
00:24:03,355 --> 00:24:06,554
It derives from the old French word
meaning bread basket.
447
00:24:06,555 --> 00:24:07,795
I want to go home.
448
00:24:09,275 --> 00:24:11,355
OK. What is going on here?
449
00:24:13,635 --> 00:24:16,914
Like I say, Claudia,
we don't want... intercourse.
450
00:24:16,915 --> 00:24:20,114
Well, thank goodness one of us
can talk the talk.
451
00:24:20,115 --> 00:24:22,073
We need you to ask you a big favour.
452
00:24:22,074 --> 00:24:24,035
I got in to a bit of trouble
with the police,
453
00:24:24,036 --> 00:24:25,874
and more importantly, my landlady.
454
00:24:25,875 --> 00:24:28,193
Can you come down to the police
station and tell them
455
00:24:28,194 --> 00:24:29,995
everything that happened
this morning?
456
00:24:29,996 --> 00:24:32,394
You want me to come with you
to police station?
457
00:24:32,395 --> 00:24:33,875
Yes.
458
00:24:35,275 --> 00:24:37,194
OK. We do it.
459
00:24:37,195 --> 00:24:38,874
Really?
460
00:24:38,875 --> 00:24:41,154
No. It is joke.
461
00:24:41,155 --> 00:24:43,394
Do you think I am crazy?
462
00:24:43,395 --> 00:24:45,194
If I go to police they arrest me.
463
00:24:45,195 --> 00:24:47,034
And my pimp will kill you both.
464
00:24:47,035 --> 00:24:49,034
Now get out now!
465
00:24:49,035 --> 00:24:51,154
OK, no more Mr Nice Guy.
466
00:24:51,155 --> 00:24:53,994
Either you come to the station
with us, or we tell the police
467
00:24:53,995 --> 00:24:56,634
exactly where you are and what
you're doing to earn a living.
468
00:24:56,635 --> 00:24:59,554
Yeah... that shut you up, hasn't it?
469
00:24:59,555 --> 00:25:01,835
Ronnieeeeeeeeeeeeee!
470
00:25:03,435 --> 00:25:06,314
Think about it, the police can't
arrest you for telling the truth.
471
00:25:06,315 --> 00:25:09,274
It's not illegal to do proper
massages and that's all you did.
472
00:25:09,275 --> 00:25:11,154
We'll pay you for your time.
473
00:25:11,155 --> 00:25:13,674
And Ronnie doesn't need to know.
474
00:25:13,675 --> 00:25:17,274
We can keep him in the dark.
Maybe not.
475
00:25:17,275 --> 00:25:18,515
I was distinctly told
476
00:25:18,516 --> 00:25:22,034
if I took my clothes off I wouldn't
get hit with a baseball bat.
477
00:25:22,035 --> 00:25:23,634
I want to see the manager.
478
00:25:23,635 --> 00:25:25,435
What's going on?
479
00:25:28,235 --> 00:25:30,714
Everything is all right.
480
00:25:30,715 --> 00:25:33,154
I thought these two men
were not going to pay
481
00:25:33,155 --> 00:25:36,355
but we have reached
an amicable settlement.
482
00:25:37,915 --> 00:25:40,274
OK, birthday boy,
I think your time's up.
483
00:25:40,275 --> 00:25:42,514
Yeah, come on, Tim, let's be
getting you back.
484
00:25:42,515 --> 00:25:45,114
Those parcels aren't going to
pass themselves.
485
00:25:45,115 --> 00:25:46,954
Where are we going?
486
00:25:46,955 --> 00:25:50,435
We're going to see your sister
with our heads held high.
487
00:26:14,475 --> 00:26:17,834
Are you sure you're OK? Fine.
488
00:26:17,835 --> 00:26:21,394
Just saving some energy
for the other 9.5K.
489
00:26:21,395 --> 00:26:24,234
It was good of Claudia to tell
the police everything,
490
00:26:24,235 --> 00:26:26,234
but how did you get her to
agree to talk to me?
491
00:26:26,235 --> 00:26:28,234
I can be very persuasive
when I want to be.
492
00:26:28,235 --> 00:26:30,994
You persuaded her it was
the right thing to do?
493
00:26:30,995 --> 00:26:33,315
No, I persuaded Tim to pay
her more money.
494
00:26:34,355 --> 00:26:36,794
How's the leg?
495
00:26:36,795 --> 00:26:39,835
Bearing up.
I never did have that massage.
496
00:26:41,155 --> 00:26:44,194
What do you reckon? I've got cash.
497
00:26:44,195 --> 00:26:46,674
Well, Tim has.
498
00:26:46,675 --> 00:26:48,994
You couldn't afford me, sweetheart.
499
00:26:48,995 --> 00:26:50,434
That's true.
500
00:26:50,435 --> 00:26:52,234
If you were a call girl,
501
00:26:52,235 --> 00:26:54,594
you'd definitely be the top end
discreet stuff.
502
00:26:54,595 --> 00:26:57,154
You know, just really rich
Japanese businessmen...
503
00:26:57,155 --> 00:26:59,474
Stop talking! Right.
504
00:26:59,475 --> 00:27:01,794
Thanks for taking me back.
505
00:27:01,795 --> 00:27:05,314
That's all right.
All's well that ends well.
506
00:27:05,315 --> 00:27:07,874
Yeah, I'm tempted to say it's
a happy ending,
507
00:27:07,875 --> 00:27:11,034
but now I know what it means...
508
00:27:11,035 --> 00:27:13,754
I hope you've learned
something from all this.
509
00:27:13,755 --> 00:27:17,154
Course I have, try not to get
injured when you do running.
510
00:27:17,155 --> 00:27:20,715
And when it comes to women, always
keep away from very large Poles.
511
00:27:24,235 --> 00:27:42,990
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