1
00:00:00,771 --> 00:00:02,105
Previously on:
2
00:00:02,750 --> 00:00:04,960
I know that I said that I wanted
to get rid of her
3
00:00:04,962 --> 00:00:07,048
and have you come back...
Oh, no!
4
00:00:07,055 --> 00:00:08,749
I'm just going to have
to make it work.
5
00:00:08,774 --> 00:00:10,256
No, no, no, no, no!
6
00:00:10,257 --> 00:00:11,357
I'm sorry!
7
00:00:11,359 --> 00:00:13,976
Okay, I'll figure something out.
8
00:00:13,978 --> 00:00:16,445
If nothing else,
I am a survivor.
9
00:00:22,077 --> 00:00:24,557
Doctor said you had
a little heart attack.
10
00:00:24,582 --> 00:00:26,582
Yeah, I remember now.
11
00:00:27,408 --> 00:00:29,608
Zoey's moving in...
12
00:00:29,610 --> 00:00:33,212
and I'm moving out...
(heart monitor beeping rapidly)
13
00:00:33,214 --> 00:00:34,947
(beeping faster)
14
00:00:34,949 --> 00:00:36,549
No...
15
00:00:36,551 --> 00:00:38,069
No... you're not moving out.
16
00:00:38,070 --> 00:00:38,815
I'm not?
17
00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:41,140
No, you can stay
as long as you want,
18
00:00:41,172 --> 00:00:42,755
as long as you need.
19
00:00:42,757 --> 00:00:46,058
Oh, that's... that's so good to hear.
(beeping slowing down)
20
00:00:47,768 --> 00:00:49,686
Really, you don't have
to carry my bags.
21
00:00:49,688 --> 00:00:51,471
Alan, you had
a heart attack, okay?
22
00:00:51,473 --> 00:00:52,722
You need to take it easy.
23
00:00:52,724 --> 00:00:54,274
Well, I appreciate it,
but I'm fine.
24
00:00:54,276 --> 00:00:57,093
Whoa, do not say that.
25
00:00:57,095 --> 00:00:58,311
Why not?
26
00:00:58,313 --> 00:01:00,096
Let me tell you
about my Grandma Abigail.
27
00:01:00,098 --> 00:01:02,499
When I was a kid,
she came to move in with us.
28
00:01:02,501 --> 00:01:04,684
And one day I said,
"How ya doing, Grandma""
29
00:01:04,686 --> 00:01:08,905
And she said, "Fine."
And then she dropped dead.
30
00:01:08,907 --> 00:01:10,040
You're kidding.
31
00:01:10,042 --> 00:01:12,876
No, face down in my Legos.
32
00:01:12,878 --> 00:01:15,445
Well, that's terrible.
33
00:01:15,447 --> 00:01:18,165
But I'm fine.
Do not say that!
34
00:01:18,167 --> 00:01:19,966
My Uncle Hal?
35
00:01:19,968 --> 00:01:22,252
When I was a kid, he used
to spend Thanksgivings us,
36
00:01:22,254 --> 00:01:23,670
and one year,
we're at dinner and...
37
00:01:23,672 --> 00:01:25,672
you know, like football
and turkey and the whole bit,
38
00:01:25,674 --> 00:01:27,557
and I said,
"How ya doing, Uncle Hal""
39
00:01:27,559 --> 00:01:28,708
And he said, "Fine""
40
00:01:28,710 --> 00:01:30,443
And then he went
to the bathroom,
41
00:01:30,445 --> 00:01:33,263
and he crapped out
his small intestines.
44
00:01:39,188 --> 00:01:40,937
ALL:
Surprise!
45
00:01:43,807 --> 00:01:46,809
I told you not to say it!
46
00:01:46,811 --> 00:01:49,346
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
47
00:01:49,348 --> 00:01:50,634
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
48
00:01:50,636 --> 00:01:53,636
♪ Two and a Half Men 9x23 ♪
The Straw in My Donut Hole
Original Air Date on May 7, 2012
49
00:01:53,637 --> 00:01:56,637
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
50
00:01:59,878 --> 00:02:01,545
Oh, my God,
somebody call 911.
51
00:02:01,547 --> 00:02:03,047
Gotcha. (chuckles)
52
00:02:03,049 --> 00:02:05,082
ALL:
Oh...
53
00:02:05,084 --> 00:02:09,220
Alan, don't you ever
do that to me again.
54
00:02:09,222 --> 00:02:10,938
(laughs)
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
55
00:02:10,940 --> 00:02:13,190
So all you guys came
just to welcome me back?
56
00:02:13,192 --> 00:02:15,509
Of course we did, darling.
We were worried about you.
57
00:02:15,511 --> 00:02:19,697
Yeah, I've been beside myself
with concern.
58
00:02:19,699 --> 00:02:22,149
I don't know what to say.
I'm really touched.
59
00:02:22,151 --> 00:02:23,734
Come here, Alan.
60
00:02:23,736 --> 00:02:25,653
Sit down.
I made you some tea.
61
00:02:25,655 --> 00:02:27,037
Wait, did you just
call me Alan?
62
00:02:27,039 --> 00:02:28,355
Well, that's your name,
isn't it?
63
00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:29,824
Yeah, but you always
call me Zippy.
64
00:02:29,826 --> 00:02:31,876
I know, but I've got
a little rule.
65
00:02:31,878 --> 00:02:35,045
I never make fun of someone who
could come back and haunt me.
66
00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:38,465
Sugar or honey?
67
00:02:38,467 --> 00:02:40,301
I thought we decided on Alan?
68
00:02:40,303 --> 00:02:41,635
(both laugh)
69
00:02:41,637 --> 00:02:42,369
Uh, honey, please.
70
00:02:42,371 --> 00:02:43,695
Hey, are you warm enough?
71
00:02:43,722 --> 00:02:44,668
Do you want me
to turn up the heat?
72
00:02:44,806 --> 00:02:46,257
I'm fine.
Don't say that...
73
00:02:46,259 --> 00:02:48,392
Okay, turn up the heat.
74
00:02:48,394 --> 00:02:51,011
Why don't you just lay down.
75
00:02:51,013 --> 00:02:51,762
Uh, no, really, I'm good.
I've been in bed for a week.
76
00:02:51,764 --> 00:02:53,314
Do it for me.
77
00:02:53,316 --> 00:02:54,982
Uh, okay, but let me
just point out
78
00:02:55,934 --> 00:02:57,067
that that never works
when I say that to you.
79
00:02:57,402 --> 00:02:58,886
(chuckles)
80
00:02:58,888 --> 00:03:00,688
Guess what. While you were
in the hospital,
81
00:03:00,709 --> 00:03:02,084
I aced all my final exams.
82
00:03:02,425 --> 00:03:03,575
Really?!
I don't believe it!
83
00:03:03,576 --> 00:03:06,911
(sighs) I told you
he wouldn't buy it.
84
00:03:06,913 --> 00:03:08,863
Wait, wait, wait.
You lied to me?
85
00:03:09,915 --> 00:03:12,316
Uh, I told him to. I thought
the truth might kill you.
86
00:03:13,401 --> 00:03:15,252
But there is some real good news.
What's that?
87
00:03:15,954 --> 00:03:17,071
I found out for sure
I'm not gay.
88
00:03:17,672 --> 00:03:19,273
But why's that good news?
89
00:03:19,275 --> 00:03:21,625
It's mostly good news
for gay people.
90
00:03:23,762 --> 00:03:26,463
A-A-All right, look,
I appreciate
91
00:03:26,465 --> 00:03:28,549
all the trouble you're taking
to welcome me home,
92
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:31,368
but if you don't mind, I'd just
like to go back to my room.
93
00:03:31,853 --> 00:03:33,153
Oh, you heard him.
94
00:03:33,205 --> 00:03:34,138
He wants to go to his room.
Here, Zoey.
95
00:03:34,522 --> 00:03:35,973
Take the tea.
96
00:03:35,975 --> 00:03:37,725
ALAN:
Walden, I can walk on my own.
97
00:03:38,810 --> 00:03:40,394
(chuckles) That's what my
blind Aunt Shirley said.
98
00:03:40,979 --> 00:03:41,895
And then we went to Miami
99
00:03:41,980 --> 00:03:43,113
on Christmas vacation,
100
00:03:43,115 --> 00:03:44,565
and then "blam""
101
00:03:44,566 --> 00:03:46,300
Greyhound came out of nowhere
and flattened her.
102
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:47,193
She got hit by a bus?
103
00:03:47,944 --> 00:03:49,087
No, she wandered
onto the dog track
104
00:03:49,112 --> 00:03:50,335
in the middle
of the ninth race.
105
00:03:51,281 --> 00:03:53,115
Technically,
she came in third.
106
00:03:54,684 --> 00:03:57,420
Anyway, I got a little
♪ surprise for you. ♪
107
00:03:58,321 --> 00:03:59,739
Oh, Walden, you've already
done so much.
108
00:04:00,824 --> 00:04:02,241
I don't know what else
you could possibly... (gasps)
109
00:04:04,294 --> 00:04:05,911
A real bed!
Yeah.
110
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:08,330
It's not just a bed.
Get on it. Check it out.
111
00:04:09,032 --> 00:04:10,332
Oh, my golly.
(laughs giddily)
112
00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:12,618
Ah...
Oo-ho-ho-ho!
113
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:15,254
The bed is becoming tumescent.
114
00:04:15,256 --> 00:04:16,889
Yeah...!
115
00:04:16,891 --> 00:04:18,507
Pretty cool, uh?
116
00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:20,342
See, so you don't have
to exert yourself
117
00:04:20,729 --> 00:04:21,644
when you're getting
in and out.
118
00:04:21,645 --> 00:04:22,928
(chuckles)
Ah! Oh,
119
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,597
and what pray tell is that?
120
00:04:25,649 --> 00:04:29,318
That is a 46" high-definition
plasma screen TV,
121
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,904
complete with a deluxe sports
satellite package
122
00:04:31,906 --> 00:04:34,323
Nice! No movies?
123
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,993
No, we could switch it
to a movie package.
124
00:04:38,478 --> 00:04:40,112
Or you could add it.
125
00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:42,698
Oh, okay, we'll add it.
126
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,166
And don't forget
the adult channels.
127
00:04:45,385 --> 00:04:46,619
No problem.
128
00:04:46,621 --> 00:04:48,037
You have to ask
for them specifically.
129
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:49,371
Otherwise they block them.
130
00:04:49,373 --> 00:04:50,790
Right.
131
00:04:50,792 --> 00:04:53,492
Hey, why don't you take
a nap until dinner?
132
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:54,960
I'm not tired.
(chuckles)
133
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,545
That's what my
cousin Earl said
134
00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:58,714
right before he fell asleep
with a cigarette in his hand.
135
00:04:59,216 --> 00:04:59,999
Set his bed on fire?
136
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:01,534
No, his fireworks stand.
137
00:05:02,702 --> 00:05:05,054
I was standing across the street
yelling at him to wake up
138
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:09,007
when the first rocket went off,
followed by 800 Roman candles.
139
00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:14,179
It was horrifying and really
cool at the same time.
140
00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:16,148
Okay, I'll take a nap.
141
00:05:16,150 --> 00:05:17,349
Good, good, good,
you just...
142
00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:19,068
I don't want you
to do anything.
143
00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:20,128
Just relax
and get better.
144
00:05:20,370 --> 00:05:21,653
That's a nice thought, Walden,
145
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:22,488
but I got a lot of work to do.
146
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:23,492
I got bills to pay.
147
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:24,707
No, don't worry about the bills.
148
00:05:24,708 --> 00:05:25,782
I'll take care of everything.
149
00:05:26,526 --> 00:05:28,012
Walden, I can't let you
just take care of everything.
150
00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:30,530
Listen, I made a promise to
myself when I was 11 years old
151
00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:33,015
and salmonella decimated
my father's entire side
152
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:34,820
of the family
at the annual Easter egg hunt.
153
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,552
Nobody else dies on my watch.
154
00:05:40,056 --> 00:05:43,342
Poor guy,
living with all that guilt.
155
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:47,179
I can exploit that.
156
00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:50,349
How come you're not coming over?
157
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,050
I can't. I have Ava.
158
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:53,671
Why don't you come over here?
159
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:54,937
I can't. I have Alan.
160
00:05:54,939 --> 00:05:56,739
Oh, for God's sake.
161
00:05:56,741 --> 00:05:58,891
Well, he had
a heart attack, Zoey.
162
00:05:59,292 --> 00:05:59,959
Oh, bollocks.
163
00:05:59,961 --> 00:06:01,894
He's going to outlive us all.
164
00:06:03,079 --> 00:06:04,830
A week after nuclear Armageddon,
the world will be populated
165
00:06:05,732 --> 00:06:07,950
by nothing but cockroaches
and Alan Harper.
166
00:06:07,952 --> 00:06:11,787
Wow, that is a side of you
that is not attractive.
167
00:06:12,422 --> 00:06:13,529
It's the lawyer side of me.
168
00:06:13,573 --> 00:06:14,874
Yeah, yuck.
169
00:06:14,876 --> 00:06:18,076
Look, I see these kind
of scam artists all the time
170
00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,579
and I don't want
you being taken advantage of.
171
00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:22,715
I am just taking care
of my friend.
172
00:06:23,850 --> 00:06:26,685
No, you are providing food,
shelter, and satellite TV
173
00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:28,437
to a cockroach.
174
00:06:28,439 --> 00:06:30,806
ALAN:
Hello, anybody?
175
00:06:30,808 --> 00:06:33,392
Getting kind of hungry
in here.
176
00:06:33,394 --> 00:06:35,978
(chuckles)
Uh, B-Berta, Alan's hungry.
177
00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:37,429
Is his dinner ready yet?
178
00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:38,781
BERTA:
Coming up.
179
00:06:38,783 --> 00:06:40,566
Really?
180
00:06:40,568 --> 00:06:42,034
He gets room service?
181
00:06:42,036 --> 00:06:44,069
Did I ever tell you
about my Aunt Phyllis?
182
00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:45,437
(sighs)
183
00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:48,880
When I was a kid she took me
on a trip to New York,
184
00:06:49,125 --> 00:06:50,610
and we were staying
at the Waldorf-Astoria,
185
00:06:50,627 --> 00:06:52,248
and she didn't want
to wait for room service,
186
00:06:52,278 --> 00:06:53,745
so she headed down
to the restaurant
187
00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:57,549
and she fell 24 stories
down an empty elevator shaft.
188
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,787
We never got to see Cats.
189
00:07:01,789 --> 00:07:05,174
So you're afraid Alan is going
to fall into an elevator shaft?
190
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:08,394
Don't poke at it, Zoey.
The wound is still fresh.
191
00:07:12,482 --> 00:07:14,516
(knocking)
192
00:07:14,518 --> 00:07:15,684
Come in.
193
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,972
Did my little buddy save
room for dessert?
194
00:07:20,473 --> 00:07:21,607
I sure did, Skipper.
195
00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:23,359
Good, 'cause I made
your favorite.
196
00:07:23,893 --> 00:07:24,643
Peach cobbler?
Yep.
197
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:25,811
Warm with ice cream?
198
00:07:26,312 --> 00:07:27,913
I'll be right back.
199
00:07:27,915 --> 00:07:29,531
I'm not going anywhere.
200
00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:30,816
(chuckles)
201
00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:35,754
Okay, let's see
what's on those adult channels.
202
00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:37,206
Avatart.
203
00:07:37,208 --> 00:07:40,209
Oh, in 3D.
204
00:07:40,211 --> 00:07:41,827
(music playing over television,
knocking on door)
205
00:07:42,345 --> 00:07:43,128
Oh, to be continued.
206
00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:43,712
(music stops)
207
00:07:43,714 --> 00:07:44,880
Come in.
208
00:07:46,332 --> 00:07:47,549
Hey, you.
209
00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:50,002
Judith, what a,
what a nice surprise.
210
00:07:50,503 --> 00:07:51,336
How are you feeling?
211
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:53,522
Not bad, all things considered.
212
00:07:53,524 --> 00:07:54,974
Oh, you're so brave.
213
00:07:54,976 --> 00:07:57,693
Now, listen, there's something
we need to talk about.
214
00:07:58,678 --> 00:08:00,683
Look, I know the child support
checks are late,
215
00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:02,514
but, but please allow me
to get back to my job.
216
00:08:02,515 --> 00:08:04,283
(shushing)
217
00:08:04,285 --> 00:08:06,869
(à la Scooby-Doo):
Er?
218
00:08:06,871 --> 00:08:09,021
Forget the
child support.
219
00:08:09,023 --> 00:08:11,073
Er?
220
00:08:11,075 --> 00:08:12,291
You just get better.
221
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:14,376
I can manage fine
without your money.
222
00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:15,661
All right.
223
00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:17,997
I always suspected as much,
but thank you.
224
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,714
And Herb and I have the
condo in Palm Springs,
225
00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:22,172
so you're certainly
welcome to use it
226
00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:23,168
while you're
recuperating.
227
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:25,037
How can you afford
a condo in Palm Springs?
228
00:08:25,391 --> 00:08:27,441
We made a judgment call
with Jake's college fund.
229
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,542
Anyway, you're
welcome to use it.
230
00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:32,678
Wow, thank you,
th-that's very generous.
231
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:36,315
Well, look, I know we've
obviously had our differences.
232
00:08:36,317 --> 00:08:38,017
We have.
233
00:08:38,019 --> 00:08:40,436
And I haven't always
been very nice to you.
234
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:43,055
I just figured
you didn't like me.
235
00:08:43,057 --> 00:08:45,566
Alan, we were married
for 12 years.
236
00:08:45,725 --> 00:08:47,143
You're the father
of my son.
237
00:08:47,343 --> 00:08:48,463
Just because I couldn't
stay married to you
238
00:08:48,464 --> 00:08:49,998
doesn't mean I
stopped loving you.
239
00:08:50,229 --> 00:08:51,830
Gee, it sure felt
that way.
240
00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:53,699
Oh, I'm sorry
for that.
241
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:56,401
You just get
well, okay?
242
00:08:56,403 --> 00:08:58,170
Okay.
243
00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:05,961
A house in Malibu,
no child support,
244
00:09:05,963 --> 00:09:08,547
free condo in Palm Springs.
245
00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:11,600
Why would anyone want
to eliminate heart disease?
246
00:09:14,270 --> 00:09:15,687
(music playing over television)
247
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,856
Don't worry,
you lovely blue ladies,
248
00:09:18,608 --> 00:09:20,112
as soon
as my right hand is free,
249
00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:22,528
I'll be giving you
my full attention.
250
00:09:22,530 --> 00:09:23,812
(knocking)
251
00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:24,813
Rats.
252
00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:26,065
Uh...
253
00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:27,733
(music stops)
254
00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:29,101
Come in.
255
00:09:29,953 --> 00:09:31,954
How's my man?
256
00:09:31,956 --> 00:09:34,623
Oh, you know, okay
257
00:09:34,625 --> 00:09:38,110
for a guy who recently stared
into the jaws of death.
258
00:09:38,611 --> 00:09:39,726
That's why I'm here.
259
00:09:39,978 --> 00:09:41,196
I want to help
with your recovery.
260
00:09:41,521 --> 00:09:43,182
Really, what'd
you have in mind?
261
00:09:43,282 --> 00:09:44,116
I-I'm not supposed
to exert myself.
262
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:45,050
(chuckles)
263
00:09:45,052 --> 00:09:47,753
Don't worry, you don't have
to do a thing.
264
00:09:48,638 --> 00:09:50,455
Just lie back
and I'll do all the work.
265
00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:51,140
Really?
266
00:09:51,142 --> 00:09:52,508
Hmm.
Okay.
267
00:09:52,510 --> 00:09:54,093
Uh, let me put
my cobbler down.
268
00:09:54,627 --> 00:09:55,961
No, no, no,
keep it.
269
00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:56,895
You sure?
270
00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:58,964
Absolutely.
271
00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:01,400
It'd be rude for
me to eat alone.
272
00:10:04,654 --> 00:10:06,638
All righty then.
273
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:07,823
(both chuckle)
274
00:10:08,641 --> 00:10:11,110
You got any porn
on this thing?
275
00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:13,078
Uh, gee, I,
I don't know.
276
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,414
(chuckles)
277
00:10:15,416 --> 00:10:16,915
Why don't you check?
278
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:18,316
Shake things up a bit.
279
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,452
Oh, gosh,
well, I, yeah,
280
00:10:20,454 --> 00:10:22,788
I guess I, I guess I,
I-I could do that.
281
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,756
(music playing over television)
282
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:28,427
Oh, look,
there's some now.
283
00:10:28,429 --> 00:10:30,345
How fortuitous.
284
00:10:30,347 --> 00:10:34,967
Now, just relax and
enjoy your cobbler.
285
00:10:34,969 --> 00:10:37,102
Right back at you.
286
00:10:37,937 --> 00:10:40,856
(laughing)
287
00:10:40,858 --> 00:10:44,527
This is the best day
of my entire life.
288
00:10:53,542 --> 00:10:55,176
♪ Men. ♪
289
00:10:55,178 --> 00:10:57,211
(knocking)
290
00:10:57,213 --> 00:10:59,831
All right, Mr. Harper.
291
00:11:04,186 --> 00:11:05,886
Well, I've got
some good news.
292
00:11:06,271 --> 00:11:07,054
Let me have it.
293
00:11:07,689 --> 00:11:09,657
I'm banging my receptionist.
294
00:11:11,243 --> 00:11:12,393
I'm sorry.
295
00:11:12,395 --> 00:11:14,962
I... I never get tired
of that one.
296
00:11:15,010 --> 00:11:16,954
That-that's funny,
but, uh, what about me?
297
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:18,916
No, you don't have
a chance with her.
298
00:11:20,169 --> 00:11:22,003
She likes rich guys.
299
00:11:23,756 --> 00:11:26,124
All right,
back to your, uh, heart.
300
00:11:26,575 --> 00:11:27,408
It's looking good.
301
00:11:27,410 --> 00:11:28,960
Uh, are you sure?
302
00:11:28,962 --> 00:11:31,012
Tests show you've had no damage.
303
00:11:31,014 --> 00:11:32,713
Your cholesterol looks normal.
304
00:11:32,715 --> 00:11:34,766
It's like the heart attack
never even happened.
305
00:11:35,017 --> 00:11:36,184
Oh.
306
00:11:36,186 --> 00:11:39,470
And you're not happy about that?
307
00:11:39,472 --> 00:11:40,888
No, I-I am.
308
00:11:40,890 --> 00:11:43,858
Um, uh, is this confidential,
what we're saying?
309
00:11:43,860 --> 00:11:45,926
Think of me as a priest.
310
00:11:47,029 --> 00:11:49,096
Except, when I touch your nuts,
it's strictly business.
311
00:11:50,399 --> 00:11:53,201
Okay, uh... uh, uh, here it is.
312
00:11:53,203 --> 00:11:55,453
Um, ever since the heart attack,
313
00:11:55,455 --> 00:11:58,122
uh, my life
has actually gotten better.
314
00:11:58,124 --> 00:11:59,714
Uh, my girlfriend,
my ex-wife,
315
00:11:59,715 --> 00:12:01,244
even my mother
have all been showering me
316
00:12:01,245 --> 00:12:02,304
with love and attention.
317
00:12:02,371 --> 00:12:04,289
Well, they were afraid
they were losing you.
318
00:12:04,482 --> 00:12:06,585
Have you ever had oral sex
and peach cobbler?
319
00:12:08,801 --> 00:12:10,618
At the same time?
320
00:12:12,638 --> 00:12:14,806
Can't say that I have.
321
00:12:14,808 --> 00:12:15,890
Well, I have.
322
00:12:15,904 --> 00:12:17,688
And once my girlfriend
finds out that I'm healthy,
323
00:12:17,694 --> 00:12:19,856
I'm back to sucking Life Savers
and humping my pillow.
324
00:12:21,847 --> 00:12:25,266
Well, as your doctor,
all I can tell you
325
00:12:25,268 --> 00:12:26,651
is you're
perfectly healthy.
326
00:12:26,653 --> 00:12:28,102
Can I get a second opinion?
327
00:12:28,637 --> 00:12:29,737
Yes, you're ugly, too.
328
00:12:32,691 --> 00:12:33,941
I joke.
329
00:12:33,943 --> 00:12:36,644
Uh, again, as your doctor,
330
00:12:36,646 --> 00:12:39,530
I have to tell you
you're in great shape.
331
00:12:39,832 --> 00:12:41,415
But, uh...
332
00:12:41,417 --> 00:12:44,202
as a guy who's banging
his receptionist,
333
00:12:44,204 --> 00:12:46,170
two pharmaceutical reps
334
00:12:46,172 --> 00:12:50,124
and, uh, on occasion,
his bloated, rich wife,
335
00:12:50,126 --> 00:12:52,176
let me add:
336
00:12:52,178 --> 00:12:53,861
Don't be a schmuck.
337
00:12:53,863 --> 00:12:56,163
Lie your ass off.
338
00:12:56,949 --> 00:12:58,766
Thanks, Doc.
That's good advice.
339
00:12:58,768 --> 00:13:00,968
(chuckles)
340
00:13:02,855 --> 00:13:04,689
Hmm.
341
00:13:07,609 --> 00:13:09,477
Jeanine, hi.
342
00:13:09,479 --> 00:13:12,063
Uh, listen, could you
run down to the deli
343
00:13:12,698 --> 00:13:14,232
and pick up a peach cobbler
344
00:13:14,234 --> 00:13:16,951
and meet me in exam room 2.
345
00:13:23,625 --> 00:13:25,459
How'd it go?
346
00:13:25,461 --> 00:13:26,494
Good news?
347
00:13:26,496 --> 00:13:28,579
It's bad, Mom.
(gasps)
348
00:13:28,581 --> 00:13:30,331
It's real bad.
Oh.
349
00:13:30,333 --> 00:13:33,384
Darling, I am so sorry.
350
00:13:33,386 --> 00:13:36,053
Hey, I know what
would cheer you up.
351
00:13:36,371 --> 00:13:38,306
So do I.
352
00:13:38,308 --> 00:13:40,725
No, I was thinking
I could take you shopping.
353
00:13:41,093 --> 00:13:41,893
Come on, now.
354
00:13:41,895 --> 00:13:42,989
There must be something
I can get you
355
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:44,729
that would turn
that frown upside down.
356
00:13:46,148 --> 00:13:47,732
Well, uh, remember
when I was a kid
357
00:13:47,750 --> 00:13:49,084
how I always wanted
to be a cowboy?
358
00:13:50,769 --> 00:13:52,886
I'm not going to buy you
a horse, Alan.
359
00:13:53,272 --> 00:13:54,272
Of course not.
360
00:13:54,274 --> 00:13:57,575
Guess I'll just have to be
a cowboy in Heaven.
361
00:14:01,446 --> 00:14:02,896
WALDEN:
Are your eyes closed?
362
00:14:03,398 --> 00:14:04,999
Yep, they're closed.
363
00:14:12,457 --> 00:14:14,241
Open.
364
00:14:18,714 --> 00:14:21,182
You must be kidding me.
365
00:14:21,184 --> 00:14:24,039
It's the safest way for Alan
to get up and down the stairs.
366
00:14:24,139 --> 00:14:26,461
Why does he have to get
up and down the stairs?
367
00:14:27,773 --> 00:14:29,440
So he can use my whirlpool tub.
368
00:14:29,442 --> 00:14:30,891
Oh, dear Lord.
369
00:14:30,893 --> 00:14:32,393
He needs it for his circulation.
370
00:14:32,458 --> 00:14:34,119
He said he's starting
to get bed sores.
371
00:14:34,212 --> 00:14:36,677
Then you tell him
to get out of bed.
372
00:14:36,846 --> 00:14:39,065
You don't build him
his own private escalator.
373
00:14:47,623 --> 00:14:49,758
Howdy, pardner.
374
00:14:52,027 --> 00:14:54,295
Ma'am.
375
00:14:54,297 --> 00:14:55,530
Wow.
376
00:14:55,532 --> 00:14:56,715
You look great.
377
00:14:56,717 --> 00:14:58,767
Just checking it
off my bucket list.
378
00:14:59,301 --> 00:15:00,418
What'd the doctor say?
379
00:15:00,420 --> 00:15:01,920
It's not good.
380
00:15:02,722 --> 00:15:05,090
I might have to have
a transplant.
381
00:15:06,642 --> 00:15:08,560
I'm sorry.
382
00:15:08,562 --> 00:15:10,478
Let's just hope that somewhere
383
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:11,930
there's a baboon
with a healthy heart
384
00:15:11,981 --> 00:15:13,663
riding a motorcycle
without a helmet.
385
00:15:16,352 --> 00:15:18,052
For God's sake.
386
00:15:18,054 --> 00:15:20,021
Excuse me.
I'm going to take a whirlpool
387
00:15:20,656 --> 00:15:21,689
until my masseuse gets here.
388
00:15:22,208 --> 00:15:23,825
You got him a masseuse?
389
00:15:23,827 --> 00:15:26,277
It helps prevent blood clots.
390
00:15:26,279 --> 00:15:29,080
Yeah.
391
00:15:33,252 --> 00:15:35,537
My Uncle Fred
had a blood clot in his leg,
392
00:15:35,617 --> 00:15:36,547
and when I was little,
he took me
393
00:15:36,707 --> 00:15:39,155
to the Santa Monica Pier,
and we went on the Tilt-A-Whirl,
394
00:15:39,181 --> 00:15:42,230
and the centrifugal force
shot the clot into his brain.
395
00:15:43,879 --> 00:15:46,197
It was the worst birthday ever.
396
00:15:46,199 --> 00:15:49,300
He's seen a lot
of tragedy, Zoey.
397
00:15:49,302 --> 00:15:51,302
Be nice to him.
398
00:15:58,644 --> 00:16:00,612
Mmm.
399
00:16:00,614 --> 00:16:02,564
Too hard?
400
00:16:02,566 --> 00:16:04,932
Nah, dig in.
I like it rough.
401
00:16:05,767 --> 00:16:07,485
Brought your
banana smoothie.
402
00:16:07,487 --> 00:16:08,903
Oh, thank you, Zoey.
403
00:16:08,905 --> 00:16:10,438
Um, would you mind
404
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:12,940
sticking the straw
in my donut hole?
405
00:16:13,942 --> 00:16:16,044
Oh, I would love to.
406
00:16:16,046 --> 00:16:17,778
Mmm.
407
00:16:17,780 --> 00:16:20,331
Tasty. (chuckles)
408
00:16:23,636 --> 00:16:26,954
I want you to listen
to me very carefully.
409
00:16:26,956 --> 00:16:29,674
You may have everyone
else around here fooled,
410
00:16:30,459 --> 00:16:32,793
but I know you're
full of crap.
411
00:16:32,795 --> 00:16:34,179
Beg pardon?
412
00:16:34,181 --> 00:16:35,680
What you do with
your family
413
00:16:35,783 --> 00:16:37,016
and your girlfriend
is your business,
414
00:16:37,315 --> 00:16:40,261
but I want you to stop
taking advantage of Walden.
415
00:16:40,361 --> 00:16:41,809
I-I don't know
what you're talking about.
416
00:16:41,810 --> 00:16:43,858
You know exactly what
I'm talking about.
417
00:16:43,859 --> 00:16:45,397
I-I'm sorry. I really
don't know what you're...
418
00:16:45,402 --> 00:16:47,153
You've been warned.
419
00:16:51,113 --> 00:16:53,198
Well, thanks for the...
the smoothie, Zoey.
420
00:16:53,616 --> 00:16:54,415
(door closes)
421
00:16:54,417 --> 00:16:56,284
(chuckling)
422
00:16:56,286 --> 00:16:58,453
That bitch has got to go.
423
00:17:04,376 --> 00:17:05,793
How about that?
424
00:17:05,795 --> 00:17:08,329
Stars really are just like us.
425
00:17:09,548 --> 00:17:11,349
WALDEN: Alan.
Oh!
426
00:17:12,601 --> 00:17:13,768
Oh, my.
427
00:17:13,770 --> 00:17:14,969
(laughs) Careful.
428
00:17:14,971 --> 00:17:17,355
You don't want
to give me a heart attack.
429
00:17:17,890 --> 00:17:18,790
We need to talk to you.
430
00:17:19,191 --> 00:17:20,608
Oh, yeah, sure.
431
00:17:23,112 --> 00:17:24,779
I'll be right back.
432
00:17:24,781 --> 00:17:27,699
Um, think I left
the tub running, so...
433
00:17:27,701 --> 00:17:29,350
Stop.
434
00:17:30,569 --> 00:17:33,854
Now, get out of that chair
and get down here.
435
00:17:34,690 --> 00:17:36,023
Okay.
436
00:17:36,025 --> 00:17:38,576
The queen has spoken.
437
00:17:38,578 --> 00:17:40,745
(grunts)
438
00:17:43,449 --> 00:17:47,135
My legs are still
a little al dente.
439
00:17:48,888 --> 00:17:50,889
So... (chuckles)
440
00:17:50,891 --> 00:17:52,807
what up?
441
00:17:54,042 --> 00:17:56,561
I'll tell you "what up."
442
00:17:56,563 --> 00:17:59,380
I asked one of the private
investigators for my law firm
443
00:18:00,015 --> 00:18:01,432
to follow you for a few days.
444
00:18:01,717 --> 00:18:03,101
Really?
445
00:18:03,103 --> 00:18:05,987
Uh, uh, wh-which days
in particular?
446
00:18:05,989 --> 00:18:07,005
Well,
447
00:18:07,007 --> 00:18:09,073
this is from last Monday,
448
00:18:09,075 --> 00:18:10,441
when you said you were going
449
00:18:11,277 --> 00:18:13,277
for a therapeutic walk
on the beach.
450
00:18:15,664 --> 00:18:18,733
(cheering and clapping)
451
00:18:25,591 --> 00:18:28,760
(cheering and whooping)
452
00:18:32,598 --> 00:18:34,749
(whooping)
453
00:18:42,308 --> 00:18:44,258
Okay. Okay.
454
00:18:44,260 --> 00:18:45,593
Yeah, yeah, you know...
455
00:18:45,595 --> 00:18:47,895
(stammering):
I can see
456
00:18:47,897 --> 00:18:49,447
how this looks,
457
00:18:49,449 --> 00:18:50,982
um,
458
00:18:50,984 --> 00:18:52,933
but, you know, actually,
459
00:18:52,935 --> 00:18:54,869
there is a-a-a very...
460
00:18:54,871 --> 00:18:58,105
a very simple, uh,
uh, explanation.
461
00:19:03,896 --> 00:19:05,913
(grunts)
462
00:19:08,283 --> 00:19:10,117
Okay.
463
00:19:10,119 --> 00:19:11,886
Well...
464
00:19:11,888 --> 00:19:13,755
we got cobbler
in the kitchen.
465
00:19:14,139 --> 00:19:16,424
(all chatting)
466
00:19:23,465 --> 00:19:25,817
911?
467
00:19:25,819 --> 00:19:27,235
Anybody?
468
00:19:27,237 --> 00:19:29,103
♪ Men. ♪
469
00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:38,542
(music playing over TV)
470
00:19:41,763 --> 00:19:43,648
(TV shuts off)
471
00:19:58,246 --> 00:20:00,448
How long do you plan
on lying there?
472
00:20:00,999 --> 00:20:03,167
Until the shame passes.
473
00:20:04,002 --> 00:20:05,303
So a while?
474
00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:06,671
Oh, yeah.
475
00:20:06,673 --> 00:20:08,572
All right.
476
00:20:08,574 --> 00:20:11,175
Well...
477
00:20:11,177 --> 00:20:12,793
sleep well.
478
00:20:12,795 --> 00:20:15,129
Thanks. You, too.
479
00:20:17,749 --> 00:20:21,135
♪ Memories ♪
480
00:20:21,137 --> 00:20:26,256
♪ Light the corners of my mind ♪
481
00:20:26,258 --> 00:20:35,545
♪ Misty watercolored memories
of the way we were... ♪
482
00:20:35,645 --> 00:20:39,645
== sync, corrected by elderman ==