He's making television he wants to, just like what you would do.
Please welcome, Mr Angelos Neil Epithemiou!
All right, Kenny?
Hello!
Coming up on tonight's show, we've got magic!
Woo-oo!
We've got fashion.
Woo-oo!
We've got a celebrity!
Woo-oo!
And most importantly of all, we've got ethnic diversity!
Hey, rock!!
Hello!
Hello, everybody! Hello. Hello.
Hello.
Thank you very much, and thank you to my mate Margaret,
who works in me local Londis!
Thanks to me driver Kenny!
Hiya!
Woo-oo!
Chill out about it. Just chill out about it.
It's just a little bit of magic.
So here I am, I'm on Chanel No.4, which is Channel 4, OK?
And to celebrate my arrival on Channel 4, um,
I had this photo done!
Woo-oo!
Beautiful.
And after that photo was taken, right, there was shit everywhere!
I'm not proud of it, but them tigers are very scary animals!
They really are terrifying!
And just cos I'm on Channel 4, right, doesn't mean to say
that I'm going to be doing the sort of rubbish that they do, right?
And I'm talking about programmes about gypsies.
I'm talking about programmes about dwarves.
And I'm talking, of course, about programmes about embarrassing knobs.
Like Jamie Oliver, yeah.
Boss, I've got a quick question.
Not yet, Gupta.
I'll come back later. Carry on going with your thing.
No, I'm going to be doing stuff like what it is what I want to do, OK?
So, on tonight's show, I shall be showing you how to fire a gun.
I shall be setting me hands on fire!
And of course, I shall be showing you how to water your garden!
But before that, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm going to kick off with one of them inter... interviews, OK.
So, please welcome my first guest to the sta...
Gupta? Gupta!
Gupta! Gupta!
What?
What are you doing?
Smoke!
What for?
For the interview.
I don't want smoke for the interview.
Oh, come on! It adds gravitas, drama!
Gives the whole occasion a sense of pulling power!
Gupta, Gupta, no thank you.
Then you have no interview.
I'll be the judge of that, Gupta.
Without smoke, you'll fail.
Can you turn it off, please?
OK, I'll turn off the only thing that's going to make your show work.
Turn it off, please, Gupta.
So, please welcome my first guest, ladies and gentlemen.
It's Mr...
Krishnan Guru-Murthy!
No, don't say his bloody name! I'm doing it! It's my bloody show!
Just give over!
Please welcome Mr Krishnan Guru...
Boss, boss.
What?
I can't feel my penis.
Gupta, you shouldn't be trying to feel your penis, now!
We're on the bloody telly!
The dry ice, the dry ice just...
Just get off, will you? Go away! Take that thing with you!
I'll take it with me.
Take the dry ice machine, and all!
That is a joke about his penis.
Please welcome, Mr Krishnan...
Krishnan Guru-Murthy!!
Go away! Come on, Krishnan!
Right, sit down.
Sit down.
Respect!
Krishnan, you read the Channel 4 News, don't you? That's right.
Now, I'll be honest with you, we, we really wanted Jon Snow.
That's the story of my life.
We did, but he wants serious bloody cash, so we've ended up with you.
So...
Question One. Erm, what's Jon Snow like?
Have you got any good anecdotes you want to tell me?
In an interview, they do do that, they say that!
Erm, well, about...
All right. OK.
Has Jon Snow got any good anecdotes?
Probably.
What's the best one he tells?
Oh, he always tells the story about how he nearly killed Idi Amin.
Wow! Who's Idi Amin?
He was the sort of self-appointed ruler of Uganda.
Ohhh. Oh, that one!
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know, "Eddy Ajing"...
You newsreaders, right, you've all got your fingers on the pulse.
It's fair to say that.
Yeah.
So do you all sit round in the canteen,
Jon Snow, Fiona Bruce, Mark Austin, and sort of go, "OMG!
"OMG! When will this crisis end in the Falklands?"
Or whatever it is, now. Af-jan... Af-jan-istan!
Yeah. Amongst others, yeah.
We sort of do, to be perfectly honest.
This Af-jan-istans one, right?
Afghanistan.
As-jan-istan, right?
They asked me, right, to go out and entertain the troops there.
Oh, right.
It's no big deal, you know.
Lots of people do it, like Jim Davidson.
But mostly, it's just comedians, right.
Now, Krishnan! Krishnan...
I've got a... I've got a question for you.
You know in Channel 4 and that?
Yeah.
On Channel 4, and you know how we're peas in the same pod,
you and me, basically, right?
How come on Channel 4's and stuff, you're tutti-frutti, like,
"Oh, my name's Krishnan Guru-Murthy."
Why are you like that all the time?
You think I speak too posh.
You're all a bit tutti-frutti for my liking. It's weird.
Krishnan. You stand accused of being tutti-frutti!
How do you plead?
Err...
Guilty is how he pleads!
Krishnan...
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, nice to meet you.
Let's have a quickfire round.
Let's find out about Krishnan Gurie... Earthy!
Here we go!
Just answer one or the other of these ones, OK?
Fishing or fruit machines?
Fishing.
Good. Channel 4 strategy meeting or getting stoned?
Mmm, it's a tough one, that.
It's a tough one, that, isn't it?
Channel 4 strategy meeting.
Excellent answer. You keep your job!
No-one goes away empty-handed, Krishnan. So, there's your present.
It's a Scotch egg. I'd like you to take that with you.
And please can you give that to Jon Snow?
OK, so, I am... sorry, you'll have to bear with me for this next bit,
cos I'm contractually obliged to do it,
cos Gupta's parents bung loads of money into this show,
and for that they want to get him on telly, to have his own bit.
So, take a look at Gupta interviewing Bollywood film legend
MGB Randall in Film Talk.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
Today I'm on the set of MGB Randall's latest film, Alatar,
the Bollywood remake of Avatar. MGB Randall, thanks for joining!
You're most welcome!
So, your latest film. What is that about?
Well, in the latest movie I play the dual role
of handicapped military gentleman in wheelchair.
And then, when I get sent to the spaceship,
I get distracted because I fall in love with a 14-foot blue goblin
played by the beautiful Tika Shetty,
and this induces much heart pounding, epic rumpus,
tittle-tattle and rumpy-pumpy from MGB! Gupta?
Gupta?
Err, yes!
Are you listening to me?
All your films are the same old bullshit.
Formulaic. I don't care. You don't care.
Oh, so you want to fight me?
I'd rather fight than listen to you bang on about your bullshit movies!
OK, let's go!
Oh! The knife!
And that was a Film Talk exclusive there.
Gupta interviewing Bollywood legend MGB Randall.
And then kicking the shit out of him!
Join me after the break for more music,
more guests and more shen-n-ngans!
Shenanigans!
♪ It's bank holiday in my burger van ♪
♪ Gonna make some money I'm a burger man. ♪
Why not?
♪ Hold on, boss, there's something wrong. ♪
What is it now, Gupta?
♪ Underneath the van is a bastard bomb. ♪
Oh, my God.
♪ For God's sake, Gupta, not today ♪
♪ Is it al-Qaeda or the IRA? ♪
♪ WWDB do? ♪
What does that mean, boss?
♪ What would Duncan Bannatyne do? ♪
Oh, yes!
♪ Is it al-Qaeda or the IRA? ♪
It can't be the IRA.
They haven't been doing nothing since the 1990s
and they usually give a warning, according to authority.
Maybe it's the al-Qaedas. I don't know. What do they want with me?
Is it cos I sell pork sausages?
♪ Hold on, boss, I've made a mistake. ♪
What is it, Gupta?
♪ It's just a lot of wires and a Cadbury's Flake. ♪
Oh, my God.
♪ It's just a lot of wires and a Cadbury's Flake ♪
♪ Get back on board Turn the griddle on ♪
♪ Gonna fiddle with myself as we roll along ♪
♪ I bet he fiddles with himself as he rolls along ♪
♪ He's gonna fiddle with himself as we roll along! ♪
Thank you.
See you later, guys.
See you in the car park.
Thank you. And welcome back to part two.
That was a cracking song, wasn't it?
Yeah!
Did you enjoy that song? Did you?
Hold on a second, let me get my tools out.
Lovely. What's your name?
Andrew.
Good stuff. And what'syourname?
Alex.
Are you with Andrew?
Not for much longer, baby.
Old Uncle Angelos is in town.
Did you know that the Swiss government have trained monkeys
to stick their finger in cheese to make the holes in the cheese?
This has reduced the cost of production but the Swiss government
have not passed this cost reduction on to the consumer.
Did you know this? No, of course you didn't know this
and that's because you don't know my mate Ian.
Ian is always on the Googles, right.
On the Googles, right. Did you know this, right?
You know that, um, John Barrowman?
He's gay.
And whatever happened to Gordon Brown?
I'll tell you what happened to Gordon Brown.
He's now living in Italy and he's an Italian model.
But the real reason why I'm telling you this is because of this, right.
You know that robot, right, what has been beamed down from space, OK?
And he just goes round and round and round in his ship all day, right?
This one here. Yes.
Well, he's going to be beamed back up to his own planet
later on in the year, so we've got to make the most of him.
Now, it's quiz time! Yes!
That's right... That's right, ladies and gentlemen. It's time to play...
Epithemiou Says Bust!
It's a chance for a member of the audience to win some serious cash.
Whoo!
To avoid accusations of bias from the Ofcoms,
because they are always on my bloody back, right,
I don't get to decide who plays this quiz. Oh, no.
I leave that decision to Tinned Tomatoes.
So, this is my dog...
This is my dog. This is Tinned Tomatoes
and he is going to choose who is going to play tonight's quiz.
Let's go.
He's coming over here. He's having a sniff.
He's having a little sniff here.
But he doesn't like what he smells.
I absolutely know why.
He's drawing me over... Oh, hello.
Oh, he likes the look of you.
He likes the look of you but he has rejected you.
He says no.
There's nothing I can do about it.
Oh, my word.
What have we got here? Oh!
Oh? Oh!
Ladies and gentlemen, we have our contestant. Come on down.
Come on down.
Come on down, my sweet darling. Turn and face the camera.
All right, that's enough. That's enough
How are you, my darling?
Fine. Good!
What's your name?Sam.
Good!
Do you want to win some serious cash?
Yeah.
Good! Fantastic.
Who's this?
Eh?
Who's this?
It's the contestant for the quiz.
Why did you have to pick a woman?
I didn't pick her. It's Tinned Tomatoes that picked her.
Right.
You're fucking dead.
OK. Let's play Epithemiou Says Bust.
So, can you tell me for one point,
do you recognise this famous building?
That's my house!
What is it? Tell them.
That's my house.
It's her house. I'm like Ant and Dec.
Here I am, having a bath.
It's all right. It's all right, I'm very clean.
Don't worry. Apart from...
Here we are. I'm on your bed now.
Do you recognise that precious item? What is it?
My ring.
Why is it so precious, Sam?
I got it when my daughter was born.
It really is a precious item to you.
What we've done is we nicked it and we brought it down here.
There we have it.
Sam, my angel,
I'm going to offer you increasing amounts of money to buy that ring.
Now if you accept the offer, I shall say "Epithemiou says bust"
and Gupta here will smash it to bits with his claw hammer.
Can I have the first amount of money, please?
£10.
£10. £10 for the ring.
No.
It's a no? Of course it's a no. That's my opening offer.
We've got to negotiate, haven't we? Like Enrons.
Let's have the next offer, please.
£50.
£50? £50. That's more money than what Gupta gets in a week
and he's claiming benefits and he's claiming everything.
No.
Next amount, please.
£75.
Now we're into life-changing money.
75 quid. What do you say to that?
No.
OMG, is there no amount of money that could tempt you
to make me say the words "Epithemiou says bust"?
Gupta! Gupta! No, stop it, Gupta!
Stop it. What are you doing? No! Stop it, Gupta.
What? You said "Epithemiou bust".
I know, but...
I said I was going to go up to 175 quid before you start bashing it.
I flattened it now.
I know you've flattered it!
I'm sorry.
Sorry's not going to cut it, Gupta.
I'm going to have a word with your parents.
No! No, don't do that to parents.
That is such a shit.
Have a consolation prize out of the bag.
Oh, sorry about that.
What are they doing in there?
There you go.
Open it up, please.
Yes, it's your ring!
Of course we wouldn't have done it.
Thank you for playing. Mwah, mwah. Give her a round of applause.
Well done, fellas. Yeah. We done her, we done her.
Touch. Respect is due.
So, ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of the show.
Boss, bass! Smoke!
Gupta, I don't want any smoke.
You bloody idiot, your van's about to blow.
OMG! WTF?
♪ I thought you said it's just a Cadbury's Flake ♪
♪ I thought it was but I made a mistake ♪
♪ Is it al-Qaeda or the IRA? ♪
♪ It don't matter now... ♪
♪ It's been blown away! ♪
Let's get the hell out of here. Come on.
Come on. Come on, Gupta.
Come on. Bye-bye, everybody.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru