1
00:00:13,185 --> 00:00:14,886
(exclaiming)
2
00:00:19,458 --> 00:00:21,275
(school bell ringing)
3
00:00:24,246 --> 00:00:25,129
(Barney belches)
4
00:00:25,214 --> 00:00:27,148
(whistle blows)
5
00:00:27,216 --> 00:00:29,083
(yells)
6
00:00:33,389 --> 00:00:34,472
(beeping)
7
00:00:39,862 --> 00:00:41,863
(playing the blues)
8
00:00:43,232 --> 00:00:46,551
(playing the blues)
9
00:00:48,771 --> 00:00:50,371
D'oh!
10
00:00:50,439 --> 00:00:51,356
(tires screeching)
11
00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:52,440
(grunts)
12
00:00:56,128 --> 00:00:57,962
(grunting)
13
00:01:16,432 --> 00:01:18,132
(yells)
14
00:01:18,183 --> 00:01:20,051
(panting)
15
00:01:23,772 --> 00:01:25,390
(couch squawks)
16
00:01:25,474 --> 00:01:27,475
(Bart grunts)
17
00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:30,700
♪ The Simpsons 23x21 ♪
Ned 'n' Edna's Blend
Original Air Date on May 7, 2012
18
00:01:30,701 --> 00:01:34,001
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
19
00:01:34,383 --> 00:01:35,983
(yells)
20
00:01:42,958 --> 00:01:45,460
DIRECTOR:
Okay, people, we are trying
21
00:01:45,527 --> 00:01:47,161
to depict
the sizzling final days
22
00:01:47,229 --> 00:01:49,997
of the Nathan Lane of
the New Testament, Jesus Christ.
23
00:01:50,065 --> 00:01:51,499
Now remember, this is
the Passion Play,
24
00:01:51,567 --> 00:01:53,084
not The Phone It In Play.
25
00:01:53,152 --> 00:01:55,837
not the I Once Had Three Shows
on Broadway Simultaneously
26
00:01:55,888 --> 00:01:58,656
But I Blew All My Money on Coke
and Now Here I Am Play,
27
00:01:58,724 --> 00:01:59,924
so let's do this thing!
28
00:01:59,992 --> 00:02:02,694
Hi. My name is
Milhouse Van Houten,
29
00:02:02,761 --> 00:02:06,064
and I am auditioning for
the role of Child Who Points.
30
00:02:06,131 --> 00:02:07,598
Yeah, okay, point stage left.
31
00:02:07,666 --> 00:02:10,218
I prepared right!
32
00:02:10,285 --> 00:02:11,986
Well, I better get going.
33
00:02:12,054 --> 00:02:14,155
This is starting to feel
a little churchy.
34
00:02:14,223 --> 00:02:16,157
Why do we have to audition
for the stupid play,
35
00:02:16,225 --> 00:02:17,325
and Dad gets to leave?
36
00:02:17,393 --> 00:02:18,943
I already have my part.
37
00:02:19,011 --> 00:02:21,079
Man Who Buys Ticket,
But Doesn't Show Up.
38
00:02:21,146 --> 00:02:24,298
Also, the Passion Play
isn't stupid.
39
00:02:24,366 --> 00:02:26,334
It's the greatest story
ever told.
40
00:02:26,402 --> 00:02:27,902
Maybe it was once,
41
00:02:27,970 --> 00:02:30,238
but now there's
lots of better stories.
44
00:02:34,576 --> 00:02:37,245
Hitler mashups!
And Lenny's story about Cancun.
45
00:02:37,312 --> 00:02:39,480
Yeah, why aren't we
doing Lenny's story?
46
00:02:39,548 --> 00:02:40,982
That thing's hilarious.
47
00:02:41,049 --> 00:02:42,467
Not so hilarious for me.
48
00:02:42,534 --> 00:02:43,634
I nearly lost a toe.
49
00:02:43,702 --> 00:02:44,969
That's what you get
50
00:02:45,053 --> 00:02:46,721
for having a monkey
give you a foot massage.
51
00:02:46,789 --> 00:02:48,790
My bucket list
is my business.
52
00:02:48,857 --> 00:02:49,657
Next audition!
53
00:02:49,725 --> 00:02:51,325
Ah-ha-ha. Name's Ned Flanders.
54
00:02:51,393 --> 00:02:53,728
Credits include Jesus
in the Passion Play last year,
55
00:02:53,796 --> 00:02:55,813
Jesus in the Passion Play
the year before that,
56
00:02:55,881 --> 00:02:59,283
Jesus, Jesus, a kindly hobo
who turns out to be--
57
00:02:59,351 --> 00:03:00,768
you guessed it-- Saint Peter...
58
00:03:00,819 --> 00:03:02,170
Enough! Enough, already.
59
00:03:02,237 --> 00:03:03,821
I'm so bored I'm ready
to introduce myself
60
00:03:03,906 --> 00:03:05,105
to my two assistants here.
61
00:03:05,157 --> 00:03:07,074
You will be
a non-speaking Pharisee.
62
00:03:07,142 --> 00:03:09,210
But-but-but...
Jesus didn't stammer!
63
00:03:09,278 --> 00:03:10,745
His voice hit the back
of the theater!
64
00:03:10,813 --> 00:03:12,713
He was a god who
turned water into wine
65
00:03:12,781 --> 00:03:13,915
and did not wear shoes.
66
00:03:13,982 --> 00:03:15,149
Ooh!
67
00:03:15,217 --> 00:03:16,717
He said simple things
that many followed.
68
00:03:16,785 --> 00:03:18,219
Just like me on Twitter!
69
00:03:18,287 --> 00:03:20,488
(chuckles)
70
00:03:20,556 --> 00:03:22,857
And he was tragically killed
while still in his 30s...
71
00:03:22,925 --> 00:03:24,826
D'oh!
...after an all-night dinner.
72
00:03:24,893 --> 00:03:25,810
Woo-hoo!
73
00:03:25,894 --> 00:03:27,145
I'm your Jesus! Me!
74
00:03:27,212 --> 00:03:28,913
Boom. Done.
This guy's perfect!
75
00:03:28,981 --> 00:03:31,265
You understand why God
would have forsaken him.
76
00:03:31,333 --> 00:03:33,300
(chuckling)
77
00:03:33,352 --> 00:03:35,319
Well, congratulations, Homer.
78
00:03:35,404 --> 00:03:37,355
I guess this is just
my cross to bear.
79
00:03:37,422 --> 00:03:38,823
What's that a reference to?
80
00:03:38,891 --> 00:03:39,957
Oh!
81
00:03:40,959 --> 00:03:43,094
Ooh, nice and roomy.
82
00:03:43,162 --> 00:03:45,463
Our Lord sure knew
how to keep 'em cool.
83
00:03:45,531 --> 00:03:46,631
Dad?
Yes, sweetie?
84
00:03:46,698 --> 00:03:47,832
First of all,
85
00:03:47,900 --> 00:03:49,667
congratulations on
getting the lead.
86
00:03:49,735 --> 00:03:53,404
Whee! Whee!
87
00:03:53,472 --> 00:03:55,456
I just hope you're going
to take this seriously.
88
00:03:55,524 --> 00:03:56,724
Oh, yes, Lisa.
89
00:03:56,792 --> 00:03:58,743
Very seriously. Whee!
90
00:03:58,811 --> 00:04:00,661
Dad, the story of the Passion
91
00:04:00,729 --> 00:04:02,530
is the cornerstone
of the Christian faith.
92
00:04:02,598 --> 00:04:04,182
And although I personally follow
93
00:04:04,249 --> 00:04:05,983
the enlightened teachings
of Lord Buddha,
94
00:04:06,051 --> 00:04:08,736
messing with Jesus
really gets people mad.
95
00:04:08,804 --> 00:04:10,788
It's like wearing
a Florida State jersey
96
00:04:10,856 --> 00:04:12,056
to a Florida game.
97
00:04:12,124 --> 00:04:13,057
(gasps)
98
00:04:13,141 --> 00:04:14,909
O Lord, why have you placed
99
00:04:14,977 --> 00:04:17,111
this fearsome burden
on my shoulders?
100
00:04:17,178 --> 00:04:18,646
(sobbing)
101
00:04:18,697 --> 00:04:19,697
It'll be fine.
102
00:04:19,765 --> 00:04:21,165
Just learn your lines.
103
00:04:21,233 --> 00:04:23,601
Does Jesus have a big part
in this thing?
104
00:04:23,669 --> 00:04:24,836
He's in every scene.
105
00:04:24,903 --> 00:04:25,903
What?
106
00:04:25,971 --> 00:04:27,805
(sobbing loudly)
107
00:04:27,873 --> 00:04:31,642
Why do I succeed at everything
I audition for?
108
00:04:34,296 --> 00:04:36,447
Dear Lord, I know you see all,
109
00:04:36,515 --> 00:04:39,200
but trust me,
You do not want to see this.
110
00:04:40,669 --> 00:04:44,572
And so our Lord was brought
before Pontius Pilate.
111
00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:46,040
What's he in for?
112
00:04:46,091 --> 00:04:48,809
He calls himself
"King of the Jews."
113
00:04:48,877 --> 00:04:49,877
Oh, boy.
114
00:04:49,945 --> 00:04:51,378
Okay, be straight with me.
115
00:04:51,430 --> 00:04:53,848
You can probably plead this
down to crucifixion.
116
00:04:53,899 --> 00:04:56,183
Do you call yourself
King of the Jews?
117
00:04:56,251 --> 00:04:57,852
Thou sayest it.
118
00:04:57,903 --> 00:04:59,320
(exclaiming)
119
00:04:59,387 --> 00:05:00,821
He's good.
120
00:05:00,889 --> 00:05:03,424
Wow, I'm so moved
I renounce science,
121
00:05:03,492 --> 00:05:05,159
with the facts,
and the peer reviews,
122
00:05:05,226 --> 00:05:07,945
and the hypotheses
tested by evidence.
123
00:05:08,013 --> 00:05:10,548
What shall I do then with Jesus,
124
00:05:10,616 --> 00:05:12,617
which is called Christ?
125
00:05:12,684 --> 00:05:14,285
Crucify him!
126
00:05:14,353 --> 00:05:16,120
They cannot judge me.
127
00:05:16,188 --> 00:05:18,923
Only my father can judge me.
128
00:05:18,991 --> 00:05:20,591
Crucify him!
129
00:05:20,659 --> 00:05:22,426
I'll take you with me, old man!
130
00:05:22,494 --> 00:05:24,929
Jesus was handed
a heavy cross,
131
00:05:24,997 --> 00:05:27,698
and upon his brow
was placed a crown...
132
00:05:27,766 --> 00:05:28,599
Ooh!
133
00:05:28,667 --> 00:05:30,268
...of thorns.
134
00:05:30,335 --> 00:05:31,369
What the...?
135
00:05:33,238 --> 00:05:35,089
(groans)
136
00:05:35,974 --> 00:05:37,375
(crying)
137
00:05:37,442 --> 00:05:39,210
Daughters of Jerusalem!
138
00:05:39,278 --> 00:05:41,479
Weep not for me,
139
00:05:41,546 --> 00:05:43,414
but weep for yourselves.
140
00:05:43,482 --> 00:05:46,617
You know, Homer's giving it
the old Bible-college try.
141
00:05:46,702 --> 00:05:49,804
Maybe I should've dialed down
the Doubting Thomas.
142
00:05:49,871 --> 00:05:51,872
Silence, Pharisee!
143
00:05:57,913 --> 00:05:59,747
(grunting)
144
00:06:01,466 --> 00:06:05,403
Looks like someone didn't
follow the underwear rule!
145
00:06:06,655 --> 00:06:09,991
This man is totally
the Son of God.
146
00:06:10,058 --> 00:06:13,678
Tonight you shall be
at my right hand in heaven.
147
00:06:13,762 --> 00:06:15,596
All right!
148
00:06:15,664 --> 00:06:17,431
It pays to network
at these things.
149
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:21,669
Jesus cried again
with a loud voice
150
00:06:21,737 --> 00:06:24,038
and yielded up his spirit.
151
00:06:24,106 --> 00:06:25,973
(cries out in anguish)
152
00:06:33,031 --> 00:06:35,499
(quietly):
Lord, forgive me for my pride.
153
00:06:35,567 --> 00:06:39,570
All wise as always, you have
rightly raised Homer above me.
154
00:06:39,638 --> 00:06:41,572
Never again
will I question...
155
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:42,807
(yells)
156
00:06:42,874 --> 00:06:45,092
Out of my way, stupid Flanders!
Ow!
157
00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:47,428
Ah, I knew we should've done
Spamalot.
158
00:06:47,495 --> 00:06:48,646
I'm not licked.
159
00:06:48,714 --> 00:06:51,248
I'll just make them
think this was planned.
160
00:06:51,316 --> 00:06:53,351
(imitates drum brushes)
161
00:06:53,435 --> 00:06:54,835
♪ Who's to say ♪
162
00:06:54,886 --> 00:06:56,053
♪ This didn't happen ♪
163
00:06:56,121 --> 00:06:57,188
♪ Who's to say ♪
164
00:06:57,255 --> 00:06:58,789
♪ And curtain! ♪
165
00:07:00,025 --> 00:07:01,175
Diddily...
166
00:07:01,226 --> 00:07:02,193
doodily...
167
00:07:02,277 --> 00:07:03,828
No atheist blood, please.
168
00:07:03,895 --> 00:07:07,198
Sorry, ma'am, only members of
the immediate family allowed in.
169
00:07:07,265 --> 00:07:08,899
It's okay.
She's my wife.
170
00:07:08,967 --> 00:07:09,900
(gasping)
171
00:07:09,968 --> 00:07:11,802
Ned and Edna, married?
172
00:07:11,870 --> 00:07:15,089
That's right. Ha!
173
00:07:15,157 --> 00:07:16,090
CROWD: Wow!
Oh, my goodness.
174
00:07:16,158 --> 00:07:17,558
Hey, Dad.
175
00:07:17,626 --> 00:07:19,727
You remember when you said
if Flanders got remarried
176
00:07:19,795 --> 00:07:20,861
you'd eat your hat?
177
00:07:20,929 --> 00:07:22,797
Uh-oh.
178
00:07:25,033 --> 00:07:26,901
Ooh, licorice!
179
00:07:28,403 --> 00:07:31,005
Mmm, historically inaccurate.
180
00:07:33,194 --> 00:07:36,330
Well, it was nice having a
secret marriage while it lasted.
181
00:07:36,397 --> 00:07:38,799
Well, sir, now we'll
have an open marriage!
182
00:07:38,866 --> 00:07:40,133
Um...
183
00:07:40,201 --> 00:07:42,235
you do know what that means?
184
00:07:42,303 --> 00:07:45,289
No, but I'm sure Newt Gingrich
wouldn't steer us wrong.
185
00:07:45,356 --> 00:07:46,623
At least in the hospital
186
00:07:46,691 --> 00:07:49,259
we can just enjoy a nice,
quiet moment together.
187
00:07:50,695 --> 00:07:52,529
(chuckling)
188
00:07:53,815 --> 00:07:56,683
Congratulations, you two!
189
00:07:56,751 --> 00:07:58,652
We're so, so happy for you.
190
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:00,654
Welcome to marriage.
191
00:08:00,722 --> 00:08:01,855
(laughs)
192
00:08:01,923 --> 00:08:03,991
Another good man
bites the dust.
193
00:08:04,058 --> 00:08:05,292
Homer!
194
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:06,410
I'm talking about this guy!
195
00:08:09,230 --> 00:08:10,881
Oh, I sure envy him.
196
00:08:10,949 --> 00:08:12,115
Homer!
197
00:08:12,183 --> 00:08:13,583
I mean, I envy Flanders,
198
00:08:13,651 --> 00:08:15,686
once again enjoying
the joys of marriage.
199
00:08:15,753 --> 00:08:17,337
Let's put it to
a vote, America.
200
00:08:17,405 --> 00:08:19,072
Enough with the voting.
201
00:08:19,140 --> 00:08:21,375
Ned, Edna,
why didn't you tell us?
202
00:08:21,442 --> 00:08:22,943
'Cause everyone in this town
203
00:08:23,011 --> 00:08:24,678
makes such a big heckabaloo
out of everything.
204
00:08:24,746 --> 00:08:26,463
Nedding bells are ringing.
205
00:08:26,531 --> 00:08:29,266
See what happens
when Teachy met Preachy
206
00:08:29,350 --> 00:08:30,300
on Channel 6,
207
00:08:30,368 --> 00:08:33,303
your source for news-based puns.
208
00:08:33,371 --> 00:08:35,772
I was just down the hall
getting some very bad news,
209
00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:37,607
and I saw there was
a party going on.
210
00:08:37,675 --> 00:08:39,626
Congratulations from the Mayor.
Vote Quimby.
211
00:08:39,694 --> 00:08:42,262
Many happy returns!
212
00:08:42,313 --> 00:08:43,880
Hope you're both happy.
213
00:08:43,948 --> 00:08:45,949
Edna, as the runner-up
in the race for your heart,
214
00:08:46,017 --> 00:08:47,951
I would like to make a toast.
215
00:08:48,019 --> 00:08:50,604
My Dearest, let me be
the first to offer you
216
00:08:50,672 --> 00:08:53,073
the hearty handshake
that would've climaxed
217
00:08:53,141 --> 00:08:54,741
our own wedding day...
218
00:08:54,809 --> 00:08:58,278
Seymour, did you use my wig glue
to patch your shoes again?
219
00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:01,048
I tied them together
with used dental floss,
220
00:09:01,115 --> 00:09:02,299
as per your memo!
221
00:09:02,367 --> 00:09:04,201
Everybody out. Now!
222
00:09:04,268 --> 00:09:06,103
(grumbling)
223
00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:09,673
Not you.
Mmm.
224
00:09:11,309 --> 00:09:14,544
O Lord, please bless
our blended family.
225
00:09:14,612 --> 00:09:17,414
And thank you
for "cigarette mommy."
226
00:09:17,482 --> 00:09:19,216
Oh, honey, please don't
call me that.
227
00:09:19,283 --> 00:09:21,218
Okay, "do-over mommy."
228
00:09:21,285 --> 00:09:23,503
Boys, you will please
call your new mother
229
00:09:23,571 --> 00:09:25,322
whatever she feels
comfortable with.
230
00:09:25,390 --> 00:09:26,390
How about "Edna?"
231
00:09:26,457 --> 00:09:28,058
It's disrespectful
232
00:09:28,126 --> 00:09:29,893
to call a grown-up
by their first name.
233
00:09:29,961 --> 00:09:31,294
BART:
Yo, Homer,
234
00:09:31,362 --> 00:09:33,630
Mom says get your fat ass
over to the Flanders'.
235
00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:35,699
Bart! Don't call me that!
236
00:09:35,767 --> 00:09:37,868
Which one?
"Homer" or "fat ass"?
237
00:09:37,935 --> 00:09:39,202
HOMER:
Why, you little...
238
00:09:39,270 --> 00:09:42,706
They're both bad, and
I suspect you know it!
239
00:09:42,774 --> 00:09:45,909
BART: Get your hands off of me,
you fat ass!
240
00:09:45,977 --> 00:09:47,911
(doorbell rings)
241
00:09:47,979 --> 00:09:49,246
Ned, Edna.
242
00:09:49,313 --> 00:09:51,248
We just want to apologize...
(growling)
243
00:09:51,315 --> 00:09:52,832
...for the commotion
in your room.
244
00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:55,552
People here do not
respect boundaries.
245
00:09:55,636 --> 00:09:57,888
Homer, did you just buckle
your belt through my loop?
246
00:09:58,673 --> 00:10:00,140
Sorry.
247
00:10:00,208 --> 00:10:02,642
Well, we're here to offer
to throw you a little party
248
00:10:02,710 --> 00:10:03,777
in your honor.
249
00:10:03,845 --> 00:10:05,178
A little party
might be fun.
250
00:10:05,246 --> 00:10:07,848
The only guests at our wedding
were Ned's parents.
251
00:10:07,915 --> 00:10:09,883
Look at those squares,
252
00:10:09,951 --> 00:10:11,618
makin' it nice and legal.
253
00:10:11,686 --> 00:10:13,687
We didn't need a piece of paper!
254
00:10:13,755 --> 00:10:15,555
We had a paper, Nedward.
255
00:10:15,623 --> 00:10:17,758
We just rolled it
and smoked it.
256
00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:19,059
Oh, yeah.
257
00:10:19,127 --> 00:10:21,728
We got high-diddily-high
on that reeferino.
258
00:10:21,796 --> 00:10:24,131
Less news from the pews.
259
00:10:24,198 --> 00:10:25,298
Okay, Simpsons.
260
00:10:25,366 --> 00:10:26,800
Well, call me
a cock-eyed optimist
261
00:10:26,868 --> 00:10:29,536
'cause I think some sort
of celebration party
262
00:10:29,604 --> 00:10:30,704
might possibly be fun!
263
00:10:30,772 --> 00:10:31,872
Great!
264
00:10:31,939 --> 00:10:33,240
We'll take care
of everything.
265
00:10:33,307 --> 00:10:35,375
We'll just need to
borrow your punch bowl,
266
00:10:35,443 --> 00:10:37,711
17 chairs,
your portable dance floor,
267
00:10:37,779 --> 00:10:39,646
your banner printer,
banner ink,
268
00:10:39,714 --> 00:10:42,182
and a ream of blank banners.
269
00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:45,852
Okay, there's no school;
270
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,053
your dad's at work;
271
00:10:47,121 --> 00:10:48,722
and it's really coming down.
272
00:10:48,790 --> 00:10:49,990
Anyone for Scrabble?
273
00:10:50,057 --> 00:10:52,459
Only God can make words.
274
00:10:52,527 --> 00:10:54,394
Right, right. Yahtzee?
275
00:10:54,462 --> 00:10:56,163
Dice are Satan's bones.
276
00:10:56,230 --> 00:10:57,798
What the hey, Mrs. K?
277
00:10:57,865 --> 00:10:59,533
Thank God, a real kid.
278
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,401
You want my advice
on dealing with the Hardly Boys?
279
00:11:01,469 --> 00:11:02,769
Why do you care?
280
00:11:02,837 --> 00:11:05,539
I don't. I'm just bored
watching worms drown.
281
00:11:05,606 --> 00:11:07,007
Okay, what do you got?
282
00:11:07,074 --> 00:11:10,477
Well, what you got to do
is get them into the real world.
283
00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:11,778
Skipping is cool!
284
00:11:11,846 --> 00:11:12,946
Especially when
285
00:11:13,014 --> 00:11:14,781
you're holding hands
with your brother.
286
00:11:14,849 --> 00:11:16,983
If you don't act now,
when they grow up,
287
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:18,385
people like me
are gonna take
288
00:11:18,452 --> 00:11:20,203
all their money
and girlfriends.
289
00:11:20,271 --> 00:11:22,339
Oh, come on. They're
not that hopeless.
290
00:11:22,406 --> 00:11:24,341
I'm doing it!
I'm doing it!
291
00:11:24,408 --> 00:11:25,442
(whimpers)
292
00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:31,781
This is my third-favorite
wedding supply store.
293
00:11:31,849 --> 00:11:33,550
Whoo! Look at these.
294
00:11:33,618 --> 00:11:34,918
"Extreme weddings.
295
00:11:34,986 --> 00:11:36,119
"Triathlon...
296
00:11:36,187 --> 00:11:37,420
"Zero-G...
297
00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:40,040
Tie the knot
at the top of Mount Everest"?
298
00:11:45,062 --> 00:11:46,429
It's extreme enough
for me
299
00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:49,533
when they smear the wedding cake
on each other's faces.
300
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,551
So, Marge,
the rumors are true.
301
00:11:51,619 --> 00:11:53,220
Why did you get
to throw a party
302
00:11:53,287 --> 00:11:55,455
for Ned and Edna
and not me?
303
00:11:55,523 --> 00:11:58,592
Well, you're all invited so you
can make your snippy comments
304
00:11:58,643 --> 00:12:00,760
while you eat
my hors d'oeuvres.
305
00:12:00,811 --> 00:12:03,396
Snippy? How can you say that
in those shoes?
306
00:12:03,464 --> 00:12:04,948
(grunts)
307
00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:06,850
They have Itchy and Scratchy
weddings?
308
00:12:12,740 --> 00:12:14,691
(laughing)
309
00:12:18,329 --> 00:12:19,913
Ready to go home, Ned?
310
00:12:19,981 --> 00:12:21,715
I'm sorry, honey, but I'm
stuck in this meeting
311
00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:23,383
of the Springfield LGBT.
312
00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:25,835
The left-gifted
bidextrous
313
00:12:25,903 --> 00:12:27,003
and transhanded
community.
314
00:12:27,071 --> 00:12:28,838
We're trying to decide
on the theme
315
00:12:28,906 --> 00:12:30,340
for our Left is Right
parade.
316
00:12:30,424 --> 00:12:32,325
"Ourcissors, Ourselves."
317
00:12:32,376 --> 00:12:33,493
How about, "Death
to Righties"?
318
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:35,395
We have to live
among them.
319
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,147
To live among
them is to die.
320
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:38,465
(all arguing)
321
00:12:38,516 --> 00:12:40,333
Oh, this could go late.
322
00:12:40,384 --> 00:12:42,185
We haven't even ordered
pizzas and pop yet.
323
00:12:42,270 --> 00:12:44,003
Could you handle
Rod and Todd's
324
00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:45,522
parent-teacher
conference for me?
325
00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:47,374
Sure, I'd love
to be the parent for once.
326
00:12:47,441 --> 00:12:49,109
Now I can bring a latte
327
00:12:49,176 --> 00:12:50,677
and leave the cup
on the desk. Ha!
328
00:12:50,728 --> 00:12:51,945
(glass breaks)
329
00:12:52,013 --> 00:12:56,049
Sorry. I'm still
a pre-op transhander.
330
00:12:56,117 --> 00:12:57,951
TEACHER:
Well, I must say at this school
331
00:12:58,019 --> 00:13:00,353
we've never seen
a step-parent before.
332
00:13:00,421 --> 00:13:02,689
Look, I'm a chalk jockey, too,
333
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:04,174
so don't slap ketchup
on bread
334
00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:06,042
and tell me
it's Pizza Friday.
335
00:13:06,110 --> 00:13:08,295
You teach with that mouth?
336
00:13:08,362 --> 00:13:11,631
Yes. I teach at
Springfield Elementary,
337
00:13:11,699 --> 00:13:12,866
and we believe that...
338
00:13:12,934 --> 00:13:14,301
Public school?
339
00:13:14,368 --> 00:13:16,653
Well, I'll be a monkey's
unrelated creature.
340
00:13:16,721 --> 00:13:19,789
Well, we'll fit you
into our school prayers.
341
00:13:19,857 --> 00:13:21,825
You do have science
here, right?
342
00:13:21,892 --> 00:13:24,411
We sure do.
343
00:13:24,478 --> 00:13:26,830
Behold advanced astronomy.
344
00:13:28,566 --> 00:13:30,867
You pulled the boys
out of school?
345
00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:33,036
Ned, I know I should have
consulted you,
346
00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:34,904
but that school is
beneath them.
347
00:13:34,972 --> 00:13:37,073
Take my word as a teacher
of 15 years.
348
00:13:37,141 --> 00:13:38,775
Well, sir, when we got married,
349
00:13:38,843 --> 00:13:40,744
I knew I'd find some spices
in my chili.
350
00:13:40,811 --> 00:13:43,813
I guess they can go
to Springfield Hellementary.
351
00:13:43,881 --> 00:13:45,448
Oh!
Mm-hmm.
352
00:13:45,516 --> 00:13:46,950
(moaning)
353
00:13:57,361 --> 00:13:59,162
Why are we here, Neddy?
354
00:13:59,230 --> 00:14:01,364
Well, first of all,
I think talking dogs
355
00:14:01,432 --> 00:14:02,799
are the spawn of the devil.
Yeah, but...
356
00:14:02,867 --> 00:14:04,384
Secondly, we're watching
357
00:14:04,452 --> 00:14:07,454
my little Toddy
graduate from college.
358
00:14:07,521 --> 00:14:09,823
Oh, now aren't you glad
you let Edna take charge
359
00:14:09,890 --> 00:14:11,224
of the boys' education?
360
00:14:11,292 --> 00:14:13,360
Yep, it's lucky
she's not in my taxes
361
00:14:13,427 --> 00:14:15,061
'cause I underestimated her.
362
00:14:15,129 --> 00:14:16,162
Wait a minute.
363
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,580
Liberal professors,
364
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:19,015
feminist workshops,
365
00:14:19,083 --> 00:14:20,517
abstract sculptures.
366
00:14:20,584 --> 00:14:22,018
This isn't a Midwestern
Bible college.
367
00:14:22,086 --> 00:14:24,954
This is an elite
East Coast university.
368
00:14:27,008 --> 00:14:28,241
It's okay, Daddy.
369
00:14:28,309 --> 00:14:30,377
I majored in
religious studies.
370
00:14:30,444 --> 00:14:31,311
Whew!
371
00:14:31,379 --> 00:14:34,214
Comparative religious studies.
372
00:14:34,281 --> 00:14:35,548
(screams)
373
00:14:39,424 --> 00:14:40,791
(tires screech)
374
00:14:40,859 --> 00:14:42,392
Give me your keys!
375
00:14:42,460 --> 00:14:44,962
Maybe I'll just
park it myself.
376
00:14:45,029 --> 00:14:48,198
Why are you parking yourself?
Why are you parking yourself?
377
00:14:48,266 --> 00:14:51,151
We haven't taken in
one car all day.
378
00:14:54,939 --> 00:14:57,107
You really put on
a great reception, Marge.
379
00:14:57,175 --> 00:14:58,809
It's like the happy
flashback
380
00:14:58,877 --> 00:15:00,444
in a gritty
cop thriller.
381
00:15:00,512 --> 00:15:04,848
Thank you.
Everyone's having a great time.
382
00:15:04,916 --> 00:15:05,983
Uh-oh.
383
00:15:07,018 --> 00:15:09,002
Helen, have a canapé.
384
00:15:09,070 --> 00:15:10,938
There's enough
for everyone.
385
00:15:11,005 --> 00:15:13,207
But not too much.
(chuckles)
386
00:15:13,274 --> 00:15:15,008
(gasps)
387
00:15:15,076 --> 00:15:16,176
(both giggling)
388
00:15:16,244 --> 00:15:17,611
Yar...
389
00:15:17,679 --> 00:15:19,229
No weird hookups!
390
00:15:19,297 --> 00:15:20,931
Call me!
391
00:15:20,999 --> 00:15:22,432
I'm married to the sea,
392
00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:24,835
and I'm seeing two of
the Great Lakes on the side.
393
00:15:24,903 --> 00:15:26,086
I won't say which ones,
394
00:15:26,154 --> 00:15:29,740
but it's eerie
how superior they are.
395
00:15:31,476 --> 00:15:35,212
So how do the boys like
Springfield Elementary?
396
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,047
Marge, it's wonderful.
397
00:15:37,115 --> 00:15:40,000
They're opening up,
they've seen a wider world.
398
00:15:40,068 --> 00:15:42,135
I wrote with a Flair pen.
399
00:15:42,203 --> 00:15:44,204
(chuckles)
Well, that's just great, boys.
400
00:15:44,272 --> 00:15:47,107
Now come over here so
Mrs. Simpson can take a photo.
401
00:15:47,175 --> 00:15:49,543
Make sure our temporary tats
are in the picture.
402
00:15:49,611 --> 00:15:51,895
Mine's a sassy princess
who speaks her mind.
403
00:15:51,963 --> 00:15:52,996
Oh!
404
00:15:53,064 --> 00:15:54,781
Mine's a duck
with no pants.
405
00:15:54,849 --> 00:15:56,466
What if we were
raptured right now?
406
00:15:56,534 --> 00:15:58,902
Ned, I said
it was okay.
407
00:15:58,987 --> 00:16:00,737
Yeah, chillax, Daddy.
408
00:16:00,805 --> 00:16:02,873
Chillax? Young man
in the Flanders' house
409
00:16:02,941 --> 00:16:04,408
we speak the King's diddily.
410
00:16:04,475 --> 00:16:05,642
Time for cake!
411
00:16:05,710 --> 00:16:07,444
Let's finish
this sucker up.
412
00:16:07,512 --> 00:16:10,147
You get my boys tattoos,
you change their school,
413
00:16:10,215 --> 00:16:13,784
you buy Rod sneakers that light
up like Times Square.
414
00:16:13,852 --> 00:16:15,552
Shoes are shoes
and lights are lights.
415
00:16:15,620 --> 00:16:17,487
Now just when
do I get a say
416
00:16:17,555 --> 00:16:18,722
in how my boys
are raised?!
417
00:16:18,790 --> 00:16:20,607
This marriage isn't perfect!
418
00:16:20,675 --> 00:16:22,259
(phones beeping)
419
00:16:22,327 --> 00:16:24,261
No video! Party over!
420
00:16:24,345 --> 00:16:26,446
Cake!
421
00:16:26,514 --> 00:16:27,948
Too late, Marge.
422
00:16:28,016 --> 00:16:30,100
Mm!
423
00:16:30,168 --> 00:16:32,836
Ned, these boys trust me
to be their mother.
424
00:16:32,904 --> 00:16:35,239
You'd better decide
whether you do.
425
00:16:35,306 --> 00:16:37,207
(gasps)
426
00:16:39,127 --> 00:16:41,228
And that's that.
Another story in the classic,
427
00:16:41,296 --> 00:16:43,263
infallible three-act
structure.
428
00:16:43,331 --> 00:16:44,531
Good enough
for Aristotle,
429
00:16:44,599 --> 00:16:45,899
good enough
for the Simpsons.
430
00:16:45,967 --> 00:16:48,001
Mr. Syzslak, I have
a feeling
431
00:16:48,069 --> 00:16:50,203
there's gonna be one more act
to this story.
432
00:16:50,271 --> 00:16:51,905
Well, I'm not hanging
around for that.
433
00:16:51,973 --> 00:16:52,940
Four acts...
434
00:16:55,539 --> 00:16:57,282
Ned, how did you sleep?
435
00:16:57,283 --> 00:16:58,717
Fine, I guess.
436
00:16:58,785 --> 00:17:00,252
Thanks for loaning me
your pajamas, Homer.
437
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,805
And Marge, thank you for those
helpful chip bag clips.
438
00:17:03,873 --> 00:17:05,874
(clacking)
439
00:17:06,976 --> 00:17:08,527
I just felt
so ashamed,
440
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:09,895
I couldn't go home.
441
00:17:09,963 --> 00:17:12,064
Yesterday
I gave in to the one thing
442
00:17:12,131 --> 00:17:16,668
I vowed I would never have
in my marriage: strong feeling.
443
00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:19,171
Here's your lunches...
with some cake.
444
00:17:19,238 --> 00:17:22,841
You'll be having cake
for a long, long time.
445
00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:24,676
Bart, aren't you
gonna tell Mom and Dad
446
00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:26,178
about the problem
you have?
447
00:17:26,245 --> 00:17:27,279
Shut up!
448
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:29,047
I'm just saying
it won't get better
449
00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:30,782
unless you talk
to an adult.
450
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:32,517
Maggie knows how
to keep a secret.
451
00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:33,719
Why can't you?
452
00:17:36,239 --> 00:17:38,307
Bart, is there something
you want to tell us?
453
00:17:38,374 --> 00:17:39,775
Oh, Marge,
let the kid have
454
00:17:39,842 --> 00:17:42,728
his embarrassing secrets
and lies.
455
00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:44,730
That is totally
irresponsible parenting.
456
00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:46,715
Not according
to the Internet.
457
00:17:46,783 --> 00:17:48,300
Where on the Internet?
458
00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:51,703
I'm sure some idiot somewhere
agrees with me.
459
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:53,455
Why would you believe him?
460
00:17:53,523 --> 00:17:55,724
Because his avatar
is Darth Maul,
461
00:17:55,792 --> 00:17:58,327
the second-coolest Darth.
462
00:17:58,394 --> 00:18:01,563
And what he says is true
because it's in all caps.
463
00:18:01,631 --> 00:18:03,432
Are you gonna argue with caps?
464
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:04,850
Why does that make it right?
465
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,819
He took the time to press
the shift key, Marge.
466
00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:09,905
I think he knows
what he's talking about.
467
00:18:09,972 --> 00:18:11,173
So after all this time
together
468
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:12,507
you two still
haven't agreed
469
00:18:12,575 --> 00:18:14,042
on how to raise
your kids?
470
00:18:14,110 --> 00:18:16,611
Ned, I realized long ago
there are some things
471
00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:19,848
Homer and I will never
completely agree on.
472
00:18:19,916 --> 00:18:21,850
(chuckles) Yeah,
but we make sure
473
00:18:21,918 --> 00:18:23,652
never to go to bed hungry.
474
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:24,686
It's "angry."
475
00:18:24,754 --> 00:18:26,588
Don't tell me
what our thing is!
476
00:18:26,656 --> 00:18:28,690
It's about not
agreeing on something.
477
00:18:28,758 --> 00:18:30,325
I've always said
hungry!
478
00:18:30,393 --> 00:18:32,794
Bart, just tell us
the problem.
479
00:18:35,098 --> 00:18:37,833
I'm keeping a dolphin
in my bathtub!
480
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:40,202
I thought I heard
clicks and pops!
481
00:18:40,269 --> 00:18:41,670
(microphone feeds back)
482
00:18:41,738 --> 00:18:43,372
Children, your test scores
are down
483
00:18:43,439 --> 00:18:45,006
because we've been having
so many assemblies,
484
00:18:45,074 --> 00:18:46,875
you haven't had time to study.
485
00:18:46,943 --> 00:18:48,576
This assembly will remedy that.
486
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:49,728
We've invited
a few friends over
487
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:51,963
to give you some musical cues.
488
00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:53,315
(piano plays bouncy intro)
489
00:18:53,383 --> 00:18:56,051
I'm Sally Scantron Sheet.
490
00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:57,585
And I'm Peter Pencil.
491
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,304
Now, you didn't hear it
from us,
492
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:02,074
but the answers
to the test are...
493
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:06,211
(to the tune of "Mary Had a Little Lamb"):
♪ A, B, D, D, C, A, B... ♪
494
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:08,346
Are you just giving
them the answers?
495
00:19:08,414 --> 00:19:10,048
They still have
to sign their names properly,
496
00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:11,817
so we're not totally
out of woods.
497
00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:13,952
Pause the assembly!
498
00:19:14,036 --> 00:19:16,004
I have to talk to my wife.
499
00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:16,838
Ned?
500
00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:17,806
My rival.
501
00:19:17,874 --> 00:19:19,107
Some rivalry.
502
00:19:19,175 --> 00:19:22,227
It's like Secretariat
versus a can of dog food.
503
00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:23,378
Edna, I'm sorry
504
00:19:23,446 --> 00:19:24,896
and I'll say it
in front of God
505
00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:26,131
or groundskeeper Willie.
506
00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:27,532
Oh, Ned,
I'm sorry, too.
507
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,084
I overstepped
your boundaries.
508
00:19:29,152 --> 00:19:32,938
I guess I never really truly
cared about children before.
509
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:33,905
(all gasp)
510
00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:35,340
Oh, get over it.
511
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:36,808
And Ned, I'll be exactly
512
00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:39,044
as much mom as you
want me to be.
513
00:19:39,112 --> 00:19:41,113
Hey, the Simpsons
make it up as they go along,
514
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,131
and they're as happy
as a ribbon in a Bible.
515
00:19:43,199 --> 00:19:44,382
What do you say, sweetie?
516
00:19:44,450 --> 00:19:45,517
Ha!
517
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:46,952
Mmm...
Mmm...
518
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:49,221
(cheering)
519
00:19:49,288 --> 00:19:51,656
Now in our 50th location
in Springfield.
520
00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:53,825
Sleazy Sam would like
to welcome our special
521
00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:57,846
grand-opening star,
Jesus.
522
00:19:57,914 --> 00:20:00,415
Welcome, money changers.
523
00:20:00,483 --> 00:20:01,883
You can trust
Sleazy Sam
524
00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:06,621
for the best rates,
or my name isn't Jesus H....
525
00:20:06,689 --> 00:20:07,823
Ow!
526
00:20:07,890 --> 00:20:09,391
Are you gonna do that
527
00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:11,376
every time I open
one of these?
528
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:15,444
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
529
00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:19,084
SINGERS: ♪ Hens love roosters,
geese love ganders ♪
530
00:20:19,152 --> 00:20:20,953
♪ Everyone else loves
Ned Flanders ♪
531
00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:22,755
(record needle skips)
532
00:20:22,822 --> 00:20:24,990
NED: ♪ My mustache is bristly,
my letters are epistly ♪
533
00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:26,558
♪ And I don't want
to mislead you ♪
534
00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:28,694
♪ I like to hug and kissly ♪
EDNA: Ha!
535
00:20:28,762 --> 00:20:30,562
♪ First base, yo,
I like Christian rap ♪
536
00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:32,131
♪ A Bible on my lap ♪
537
00:20:32,198 --> 00:20:33,799
HOMER: ♪ Will you stop
this stupid crap? ♪
538
00:20:33,867 --> 00:20:35,534
♪ I want to take a nap. ♪
539
00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:36,769
NED:
Okely-dokely.
540
00:20:57,126 --> 00:20:58,994
Shh!