1
00:00:12,596 --> 00:00:14,394
(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)

2
00:00:15,933 --> 00:00:20,063
HANNAH: (LAUGHS) Oh, my God.

3
00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:25,280
That is the cutest thing I've ever seen
in my whole life.

4
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:26,993
I was an amazing child.

5
00:00:28,237 --> 00:00:29,489
Could you fly?

6
00:00:30,614 --> 00:00:32,036
Could I what?

7
00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,083
Could you fly?

8
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:37,788
Could you fly?

9
00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:42,001
No, I couldn't fly, but then again,
I didn't have ears that big.

10
00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,052
- Now you're gonna get it.
- (LAUGHING)

11
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:49,599
I was joking. I was joking.

12
00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:51,427
Too bad, 'cause this is gonna hurt you
more than it does me.

13
00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,604
You were a beautiful baby.

14
00:00:58,267 --> 00:00:59,814
(<i>SKYSCRAPER</i> PLAYING)

15
00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:02,354
(BAG RUSTLING)

16
00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:06,233
(CRUNCHING)

17
00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:10,658
(SIGHS)

18
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:17,912
- (HANNAH MOANS)
- ADAM: Oh, God.

19
00:01:17,995 --> 00:01:19,588
HANNAH: Oh, my God.

20
00:01:19,663 --> 00:01:21,506
ADAM: Would you have fucked
a four-year-old me?

21
00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:23,091
HANNAH: I was only two.

22
00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:25,627
ADAM: How fat were you? Be honest.

23
00:01:26,128 --> 00:01:28,005
- (HANNAH MOANING)
- (BEDSPRINGS SQUEAKING)

24
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,886
HANNAH: Oh, my God.
ADAM: That's what I thought.

25
00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:32,093
- You were probably a really late walker.
- Oh, my God.

26
00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:34,394
ADAM: And you were probably
toilet trained really late.

27
00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:36,221
HANNAH: Oh, God. Oh, my God.

28
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:43,361
HANNAH: Oh.
ADAM: Go, go, go, go, go.

29
00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:45,694
HANNAH: I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.

30
00:01:45,897 --> 00:01:47,524
One more time. (MOANING)

31
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,911
ADAM: That was fast.

32
00:01:51,153 --> 00:01:53,030
HANNAH: Thank you.
ADAM: Thank you.

33
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,339
- You'll feel it soon.
- I won't.

34
00:02:10,422 --> 00:02:13,301
(PANTING) I told you, okay,
endorphins don't work on me,

35
00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:17,308
and anyone who's ever promised me
a runner's high is full of bullshit.

36
00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:18,809
(PANTING)

37
00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:20,857
- Okay, no, no, no, no.
- This is embarrassing.

38
00:02:20,932 --> 00:02:22,309
- No, no, no, no, no.
- You go on without me.

39
00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:24,565
You just gotta reach
your threshold and run past it.

40
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:27,444
- Come on, high-five me.
- Your hands are, like, 10 feet from me.

41
00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:29,524
So catch the fuck up! High-five me!

42
00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:31,827
- Come on!
- I don't like this, Adam.

43
00:02:31,902 --> 00:02:34,030
- Yes, yes.
- I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

44
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:36,456
Fuck, yes. I fucking love it.
Hannah, you're doing awesome.

45
00:02:36,531 --> 00:02:37,874
- I hate this!
- That's great.

46
00:02:37,949 --> 00:02:40,202
- This'll change your life, I swear it.
- Whoo! Into what?

47
00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:42,538
Whoa, pace yourself, kid. Pace yourself.

48
00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,420
Wow. No. Wow.

49
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:49,345
What the fuck? Get up.
You're, like, three blocks from your house!

50
00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:51,092
You could hop home.

51
00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:53,640
No, get up!

52
00:02:54,549 --> 00:02:55,971
Come on!

53
00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:58,099
Charlie's in the bushes!

54
00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,681
Charlie's in the bushes! Come on!

55
00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:02,482
(LAUGHING)

56
00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:05,477
Oh, my God.

57
00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,445
- Fucker. What?
- Look.

58
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:10,320
The ice-cream truck
is parked directly in front of my house.

59
00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:13,278
- It's like life is a dream.
- Oh, shit.

60
00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:16,701
- What?
- I don't do ice cream. It's like sweet mucus.

61
00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:18,873
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

62
00:03:18,949 --> 00:03:20,701
(LAUGHING)

63
00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:21,831
Yes.

64
00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:24,333
- I mean, you can have some, though.
- Do you have any cash?

65
00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:26,165
Look at me,
I'm not even wearing any underwear.

66
00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:28,467
- Where would I put cash?
- I'm not wearing any underwear either.

67
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:29,794
- Hey.
- MAN: Hey.

68
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,719
She'll show you her tits
if you give her some ice cream.

69
00:03:31,795 --> 00:03:33,422
- I'm not gonna do that.
- Yes, you will.

70
00:03:33,505 --> 00:03:35,758
- I'm not gonna do that.
- Just kidding. I have $5.

71
00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:41,062
Mmm-mmm.

72
00:03:41,138 --> 00:03:43,482
If you don't like ice cream,
what do you like?

73
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:44,854
I like you.

74
00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:48,065
I'm done with these.

75
00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:50,189
(SHORTS THUD SOFTLY)

76
00:03:58,113 --> 00:03:59,831
(EMPHATICALLY) Hello.

77
00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:01,704
- HANNAH: Mam, you okay?
- Of course I am.

78
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:03,660
What, I can't just, like,
catch up on some stuff

79
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,963
from the comfort of my own bed
on a weekend morning?

80
00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:08,381
Okay, well, is it Charlie stuff?

81
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:11,005
He and Audrey went to Rome.
They went to fucking Rome.

82
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:14,805
She had a work trip to Milan
and then they took a couple of days in Rome.

83
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,259
And he was making all those wishes
at those, like, overrated fountains

84
00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:20,435
and they took a bajillion pictures of it.

85
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:21,762
- This is your ex-boyfriend?
- Yes.

86
00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:22,937
And you still wanna tap that?

87
00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,765
Well, we were seriously involved
for four years

88
00:04:24,848 --> 00:04:28,068
and I am now dealing
with the deeply painful fact

89
00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:29,486
that I'm probably not gonna end up with him.

90
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:32,197
Okay, you never wanted to end up with him.

91
00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:34,908
Hannah, don't minimize.

92
00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:36,819
- That shit's really hard.
- Sorry.

93
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:38,491
ADAM: I'm sorry to hear
you're going through that.

94
00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:39,696
Thank you.

95
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:42,283
When I broke up with my girlfriend
from college, so sad.

96
00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:46,962
I lost 30 pounds.
I couldn't move or talk or get my dick hard,

97
00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:49,586
but it also made me go,
"Hey, who am I and what do I want?"

98
00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:51,712
Then I was like, boom, "I know who I am."

99
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:54,295
I wanted to switch majors
and buy a circular saw,

100
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:57,631
and I promised myself
that I'd follow my gut no matter what.

101
00:04:57,714 --> 00:04:59,387
And I'd do what makes me feel good.

102
00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:01,055
What makes you feel good?

103
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:04,764
I like reading.

104
00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:06,272
(CHORTLES)

105
00:05:06,348 --> 00:05:08,396
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- HANNAH: Oh, here.

106
00:05:09,351 --> 00:05:12,104
- Okay, we gotta jet out.
We gotta go to tech.
- Okay.

107
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:15,817
Yo, skank. Where you at?
Gettin' that pussy pounded?

108
00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:18,569
- It's my sister.
- Oh.

109
00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:24,248
No one's ever taken me
to their tech rehearsal before.

110
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,205
(LAUGHS)

111
00:05:26,284 --> 00:05:27,911
You just say, "Tech."

112
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:30,668
Sorry that I don't know all the terms.

113
00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:34,502
I'm just a little bit nervous to see it,
you know?

114
00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:37,007
- Like, are you nervous to have me see it?
- No.

115
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:40,887
I'm really excited for you to see it because
I'm really good at acting and writing.

116
00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:43,935
Plus, the play could be really good.

117
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:50,354
Ew.

118
00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:52,398
Gay.

119
00:05:52,936 --> 00:05:55,030
- What?
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

120
00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:56,197
Hello? Who is it?

121
00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:58,401
It's Jessa. Let me in. My thighs are on fire.

122
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,288
- Hi.
- Oh, my God.

123
00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:11,209
Ugh! My thighs are really rubbing together
like nobody's business.

124
00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:14,883
It's like they're red and
raw and burning hot.

125
00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:17,586
Feels like I had an
epic fuckfest with a ghost.

126
00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:20,426
I just wish I had a wheelchair
for June and July.

127
00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:22,717
Hannah isn't here. She left with Adam.

128
00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:24,551
But we had a plan.

129
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:27,228
She knew that I lost my job
and she was gonna console me today.

130
00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:28,476
Yeah, well, get used to it.

131
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:31,775
I mean, she hasn't really been very good
about keeping many plans these days,

132
00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:32,897
or really any days.

133
00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:35,195
Actually, she's always been flaky
about keeping plans.

134
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:38,399
And then, like, apologizing for it
like you're gonna shoot her.

135
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,609
Have you ever noticed
when she gets dressed up,

136
00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:43,616
she'll, like, put on a good dress
and nice shoes

137
00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:44,947
and then, like, do her lipstick

138
00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:47,374
and then will, like,
leave her forehead shiny?

139
00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:49,167
- Yes. Yeah.
- Right?

140
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,745
It's like,
"You've come this far. Wash your forehead."

141
00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:54,456
"Wash your forehead."
I know. It would be very easy.

142
00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:58,134
Maybe now that she has this boyfriend,
she'll start taking better care of herself.

143
00:06:58,209 --> 00:06:59,426
What's the deal with that guy?

144
00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:03,473
Is he, like, a great thinker
or just a total fucking idiot?

145
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:06,768
I don't know, he's not, like, un-nice
or anything. He's just fucking weird.

146
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,516
Like, I walked
into the bathroom the other day,

147
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,973
I kid you not, he was sitting there,
taking a shit

148
00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:13,730
and drinking milk at the same time,
and just stared at me.

149
00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:17,779
That kind of a person would just totally
masturbate in front of anyone any day.

150
00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:20,778
Ew. I'm sure you're right.
I don't know, I just feel bad for her.

151
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:24,327
She's never had a normal boyfriend
that's not gay, you know?

152
00:07:24,653 --> 00:07:27,702
I don't know, maybe she just doesn't realize
how bizarre he is.

153
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:32,831
You look really gorgeous.

154
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,706
I love you all stripped down.

155
00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:39,001
I've never been this miserable in my life.

156
00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:41,632
It's totally working.

157
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:46,720
No, okay.

158
00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:52,222
It's my first day of the sixth grade.

159
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:56,272
Mmm, I don't know where to sit.

160
00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:57,818
I just moved to town last week

161
00:07:57,894 --> 00:08:00,067
and I've spent every day
since either reading in my hammock

162
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:02,649
or jerking off, which I just learned to do.

163
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:07,030
And I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who
knows how to perform this awesome trick.

164
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:11,993
You just pull your wiener till it's hard
and suddenly, it's a cock.

165
00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:14,127
And I know everyone in bio class
is looking at me

166
00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:16,796
because who else is 6'3"
when they're 12 years old?

167
00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:18,544
I smell like sweat.

168
00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:21,547
I smell like a gerbil as I sit down

169
00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:26,757
and try hard to make eye contact
with Shelby Carruthers.

170
00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:39,318
Hey! I like your pen.

171
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:42,943
Did you get it at the mall?
It's not a regular pen, right?

172
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,946
She got up and moved five chairs down

173
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:50,623
and didn't talk to me again
for five years until junior year

174
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:54,872
when I fucked her on the strip of lawn
between the liquor store and the dog salon.

175
00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:57,750
And the whole time, I was seeing that pen,

176
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:01,670
its pink, fuzzy end moving through the air.

177
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:08,382
"That'll teach you. That'll teach you.
That'll teach you."

178
00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:17,186
I haven't figured the rest of that bit out,
Gavin, so we can skip to the canoe part.

179
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,460
I haven't been on this river in a long time.

180
00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:39,041
(BEATBOXES)

181
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,794
<i>Yo, yo, yo, I love Boy Scout camp</i>

182
00:09:41,873 --> 00:09:43,967
<i>Who says we be gettin' too old for this shit?</i>

183
00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:45,510
(BEATBOXING)

184
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,633
<i>I love s'mores</i>

185
00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:49,931
- What the fuck are you doing?
- What?

186
00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,763
- That's not what we talked about.
- Well, I changed it a little.

187
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:54,685
It's an easy joke, the wigger joke.

188
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,934
Everyone laughs at the white guy
doing the black voice.

189
00:09:58,014 --> 00:10:01,018
I'm just trying to bring
some comedy to it, man.

190
00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:05,234
All the stuff you've been doing
is, like, rejection and date rape.

191
00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:06,690
Real shit.

192
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:09,526
Gavin, there was a lot of complex stuff
being expressed

193
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,532
in what you wrote, a lot of pathos.

194
00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:13,575
Give people a chance to process that.

195
00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,749
Don't be afraid that if they're not laughing,
they're not feeling.

196
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:19,536
Look, you owe it to yourself
to try stripping that thing down a little.

197
00:10:20,078 --> 00:10:21,705
Maybe just one "yo."

198
00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:25,379
And throw some of the lines away a little
and lose that hat.

199
00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:33,141
You're a hero, man.

200
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,887
You keep me honest. Seriously, thank you.

201
00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:40,143
No problem.

202
00:10:40,223 --> 00:10:42,271
- We'll work on it tomorrow.
- No, I don't think so.

203
00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,019
What?

204
00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:46,605
I just don't think this is my thing.

205
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:49,153
Are you for real? We open in two weeks.

206
00:10:49,232 --> 00:10:50,859
Yeah, I'm for real. Good luck with it, man.

207
00:10:50,942 --> 00:10:53,195
- You're serious?
- Yeah, I'm fucking serious.

208
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:54,621
You can't do this to me, Adam.

209
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,411
I invested 2,000 bucks.

210
00:10:57,574 --> 00:11:00,703
I can't get that back.
You didn't invest anything.

211
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:03,079
Yeah, I did, my time.

212
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:05,373
And I can't get my time back,
so I guess we're even.

213
00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:20,347
It's just, like, fucking people.

214
00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:21,852
Shit, I met him.

215
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:25,276
He tells me he's down to do one kind of thing
and it's another kind of fucking thing.

216
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:28,651
If I knew he was gonna bust out that
"yo, yo, yo" shit, I would've stayed home.

217
00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:30,193
I really liked your monologue.

218
00:11:30,273 --> 00:11:32,116
Like, maybe you could use it
for something else.

219
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:35,241
Anyway, it's for the best.
I need to focus on building my boat.

220
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,532
You know, people don't always get it
right on the first try.

221
00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:41,960
Like, you have to teach them how to
please you or you have to compromise.

222
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,379
Not in your art.
That shouldn't be a compromise.

223
00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:46,331
- (TIRES SCREECH)
- (HORN HONKS)

224
00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:48,212
Would you fucking watch it?

225
00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:50,840
I'm walking with a fucking woman!
Can you see that?

226
00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:53,672
Huh? You wanna hit a fucking woman
with your fucking car,

227
00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:55,302
you fucking cunt-satchel?

228
00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:58,555
Fuck you!

229
00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:04,812
Oh, my God. Adam!

230
00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:08,607
- She's got nothing on you.
- Mmm.

231
00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,443
Really, and it makes me question his taste

232
00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:16,153
because you are a striking and classic beauty
in the vein of Brooke Shields.

233
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:18,363
Jessa, you don't have to do this.

234
00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:20,410
- Do what?
- This.

235
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:21,745
Like, pretending we're friends.

236
00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:24,085
I really can't handle being mocked right now.

237
00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:25,457
Are you serious, Marnie?

238
00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:28,506
We've known each other for six years.
You've known my name for three.

239
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:31,505
I care for you. I do. I really do.

240
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:34,337
And if you don't see that,
then that's a failing on my part

241
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:38,675
because I really admire your work ethic,
your commitment to hygiene.

242
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:42,057
I think you are smart and kind and...

243
00:12:42,136 --> 00:12:43,353
Uptight.

244
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:45,686
A bit, yes.

245
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:50,111
That isn't fun for me. Do you realize that?
Being the uptight girl? I hate it.

246
00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:53,987
Charlie had to find someone else
to go to Rome with.

247
00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:57,945
No one ever asks me
to get, like, friendship tattoos or whatever.

248
00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:03,204
Sometimes being inside my own head
is so exhausting that it makes me wanna cry.

249
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:07,003
So then get out of there for a little while.

250
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:10,419
Fucker!

251
00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:14,545
- Let's not go outside again today, okay?
- Mmm-hmm, yeah.

252
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,551
It seems better when we don't go outside.

253
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,303
So...

254
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:22,893
What do you wanna do now?

255
00:13:23,261 --> 00:13:25,730
Um, take a shower.

256
00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:50,834
(SCREAMS)

257
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:55,088
Sorry, you really scared me, Adam.

258
00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:57,011
No, thank you.

259
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:04,393
I'm good, thanks.

260
00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:11,351
- It's for your split ends.
- Thank you.

261
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:20,777
(SNICKERING)

262
00:14:21,944 --> 00:14:23,491
(URINATING)

263
00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:24,914
What?

264
00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:28,872
Oh, my God!

265
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,874
Oh, my God, you're peeing on me!

266
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:33,923
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God, stop it!
- (ADAM LAUGHING)

267
00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:36,046
You're still doing it! Stop it!

268
00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:38,173
- Chill, kid. It's just pee.
- It's gross.

269
00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:39,629
It's not funny, so stop laughing.

270
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,714
- It's gross!
- Urine is sterile.

271
00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,846
A lot of people urinate on wounds
to heal them.

272
00:14:43,925 --> 00:14:46,223
Really? A lot of people do that?

273
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,182
It doesn't make sense to get out now.
There's pee on you.

274
00:14:51,265 --> 00:14:52,642
(SCREAMS)

275
00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:55,562
- JESSA: So you were how old?
- I was 14.

276
00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:58,489
Oh, my God. To who, your cousin?

277
00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:00,073
Mmm-mmm.

278
00:15:00,149 --> 00:15:02,277
To my boyfriend Jared.
We had been dating for a year.

279
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,283
- And you were 14?
- Yeah.

280
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:06,285
I don't know, I just felt ready.

281
00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:07,832
Planned the whole thing, obviously.

282
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,035
We were at his lake house.
There were candles everywhere.

283
00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:12,291
I put a towel down on the bed.

284
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:14,748
And I guess once I had done it,

285
00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:18,552
I just felt like I didn't need to
try it again for, like, a very long time.

286
00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:21,254
- Why? How old were you?
- I was 17.

287
00:15:21,796 --> 00:15:24,049
- You were 17? You were older than me?
- Yeah.

288
00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:27,636
I didn't grow breasts for a very long time,
and sex without breasts is creepy.

289
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,679
That's what I keep trying to tell Hannah.

290
00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:32,941
(LAUGHS) That's true. Her breasts are teensy.

291
00:15:33,015 --> 00:15:34,267
They're teensy.

292
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:36,023
- Yeah.
- But I love them.

293
00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:37,687
Did you order those?

294
00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:40,315
- I didn't, no.
- BARTENDER: They're from him.

295
00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:42,650
Gray suit.

296
00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:44,494
Oh, fabulous. Hi.

297
00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:51,368
Oh, never mind.

298
00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:53,536
Oh, come on, he's so cute.

299
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:55,212
This is exciting, we're being hit on.

300
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,380
JESSA: Ugh.

301
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,254
MARNIE: He looks like he's a boss.

302
00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:07,846
ADAM: You look good in the suit.

303
00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:12,730
- You mean like a giant baby?
- No. Pretty.

304
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:14,857
It's comfy, right?

305
00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:17,060
There's like this weird slit
down the whole crotch.

306
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,688
Yeah, so you can pee out of it.

307
00:16:24,859 --> 00:16:26,861
I really fucking thought you'd laugh.

308
00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:27,991
Well, I didn't.

309
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:30,619
Well, I'm sorry you don't get
what's so hysterical about me peeing on you.

310
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:33,201
Okay, you are not a good apologizer.

311
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:34,827
Just FYI.

312
00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:37,084
All right, I won't bug you
if you're trying to read.

313
00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:40,549
Have you thought any more about the play?

314
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:42,753
What is there to think about?

315
00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:44,758
Just that you were so excited
about it this morning.

316
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,010
- And then we got there...
- It sucked, yeah.

317
00:16:47,882 --> 00:16:49,475
Shit happens like that sometimes.

318
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:51,644
So then maybe you need
to spend another week workshopping it.

319
00:16:52,887 --> 00:16:55,265
I can't explain basic truths to him.

320
00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:57,600
It's too draining.

321
00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,524
Okay, but I don't get why you won't
let him do it with a different actor.

322
00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:03,447
Because my name's on it.

323
00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:05,366
But that's good. That's a writing credit.

324
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,744
I would rather do nothing
for the rest of my life

325
00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:11,698
than have my name attached
to something mediocre.

326
00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:14,037
Your integrity's all that matters.

327
00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:17,996
- It's a stupid play.
- Not a stupid play.

328
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,165
It's really good.

329
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:23,168
When I was watching it,
I was so excited because it was so, so good.

330
00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:24,798
What about all that fake shit
Gavin was doing?

331
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:26,925
I don't know. I wasn't watching Gavin.
I was watching you.

332
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:30,508
Do you know how unusual it is
to see someone doing something like that?

333
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:34,016
Like, what you were doing,
okay, that's so open and honest

334
00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:36,894
and weird and you're not making fun
of them in your mind.

335
00:17:36,973 --> 00:17:40,068
It made me want to go and meet you
when you were 15 and kiss you.

336
00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:52,739
I think I'll let Gavin do the play.

337
00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:55,249
- Really?
- Yeah.

338
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:57,201
I'll change my name. I'll use a pseudonym.

339
00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:59,879
- What's your pseudonym?
- Fuckin' Ben Franklin.

340
00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:02,837
I'll change my name, but he has to take out
some of my favorite lines.

341
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:06,010
That's a good compromise, right?

342
00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:14,394
Yeah, I just feel like I travel so much now,
I'm lag-proof.

343
00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:17,188
You know, I'm like...
Like, I'm resistant to jet lag.

344
00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:18,973
That's inspiring.

345
00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:22,026
I took the most amazing
Middle Eastern studies class...

346
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,603
- Love the Middle East, yeah.
- ...when I was in college,

347
00:18:23,686 --> 00:18:25,654
and I almost became
an international relations major.

348
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:26,939
- Oh.
- Almost.

349
00:18:27,023 --> 00:18:28,525
(LAUGHS)

350
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,906
This has been great, hasn't it?

351
00:18:30,985 --> 00:18:32,658
What an unexpected pleasure,

352
00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:35,160
just sharing a beverage with Jenna.

353
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:36,825
- And Marnie.
- MARNIE: Yes.

354
00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:38,329
- Great names.
- Thank you.

355
00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:41,208
Well, thanks for handling the check.

356
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,171
Mmm, you got it.

357
00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:47,881
Hey, I have a suggestion.

358
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:51,639
I live, like, a block away
and I just moved into Brooklyn last week.

359
00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:54,638
I don't know anybody and I have been saving

360
00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:58,142
the most beautiful bottle of red wine
for a rainy day.

361
00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:00,356
Or a rainy night.

362
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:01,941
Or rainy night.

363
00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:03,396
The weather's fine.

364
00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:08,194
Um, well, we should welcome you
to our borough, first of all.

365
00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:10,491
- Thank you.
- And I don't know about you,

366
00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:12,944
but I would love to do something "uncool."

367
00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:15,075
I'd rather do a cool thing.

368
00:19:16,364 --> 00:19:19,413
- She's a firecracker, this one.
- MARNIE: I know.

369
00:19:19,617 --> 00:19:21,995
But, yeah, we'd love to go.

370
00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:24,501
Great. Done.

371
00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:28,634
I'm just gonna run to the little boys' room,
and then we'll mosey?

372
00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:30,177
- We'll mosey.
- Okay.

373
00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:34,966
He's cute.

374
00:19:35,049 --> 00:19:36,676
Is he, though?

375
00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:39,603
His face is sort of very cereal-boxy.

376
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:41,226
It's a perfect square.

377
00:19:41,305 --> 00:19:43,273
No, I think he's hot.

378
00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,693
And what he does is so interesting.

379
00:19:45,768 --> 00:19:47,816
What is a venture capitalist?

380
00:19:47,895 --> 00:19:50,990
It sounds like some sort of explorer,
but that can't be the case.

381
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,567
I like him.

382
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:55,365
And I like this drink.

383
00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:59,916
And I like you, Jessa.

384
00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:02,793
(MUSIC PLAYING)

385
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,124
(CHILDREN LAUGHING ON RECORDING)

386
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,255
THOMAS-JOHN: I've just been doing it, like,
three or four months.

387
00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:13,338
Saw it in an episode of Entourage.
Isn't it cool?

388
00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:15,639
I call this one <i>Field Nice</i>,

389
00:20:16,090 --> 00:20:18,809
like field mice, but, you know, happy.

390
00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:21,558
Thomas-John didn't want you
to get self-conscious

391
00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:26,143
while you were taking a piss,
so he started spinning.

392
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:28,774
I know how self-conscious you gals get
when you're taking a tinkle.

393
00:20:29,103 --> 00:20:30,195
Took care of it.

394
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:32,239
He's working on a mash-ups album.

395
00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:33,486
Mash-up!

396
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:36,115
He's mixed <i>Steal My Sunshine</i> by Len...

397
00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:40,032
- Right.
- ...and field recordings
of children playing.

398
00:20:40,114 --> 00:20:42,242
They're children playing in a field.

399
00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:44,418
Sounds awesome.

400
00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:46,746
I mean, it's a hobby.

401
00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:51,335
I'm not claiming, like, I'm the best,
but I fucking enjoy myself, you know?

402
00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:54,466
- Can I have some more, please?
- Yeah.

403
00:20:54,837 --> 00:20:56,885
(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
"Please, sir, can I have some more?"

404
00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:58,261
(SNICKERS)

405
00:20:58,340 --> 00:20:59,557
(LAUGHING)

406
00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:01,135
That was hilarious.

407
00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:03,475
Have you seen it? I did Oliver Twist.

408
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:05,932
You ever heard of that? It's English.

409
00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:12,655
Oh. This is my... New one.

410
00:21:12,855 --> 00:21:14,983
- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- (MONKEY GIBBERING)

411
00:21:15,065 --> 00:21:19,821
You know, this is actually just two tunes
playing simultaneously

412
00:21:19,904 --> 00:21:24,125
in different iTunes windows,

413
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:27,044
so I don't have to... Here, I can join you.

414
00:21:28,871 --> 00:21:30,498
Here I am.

415
00:21:31,916 --> 00:21:35,295
Has anyone ever told you
you look like a young Brooke Shields?

416
00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:39,932
- Actually, yeah. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

417
00:21:41,383 --> 00:21:42,930
And you.

418
00:21:44,053 --> 00:21:45,771
Julie Christie.

419
00:21:46,263 --> 00:21:49,312
Yeah, good reference.

420
00:21:50,059 --> 00:21:51,902
It's good. Yeah, totally, totally.

421
00:21:53,062 --> 00:21:58,535
Fuck, it's so rare
to find just two such different,

422
00:21:59,985 --> 00:22:05,367
but at the same time equal beauties...

423
00:22:05,449 --> 00:22:08,453
Okay, that's our cue to go.
Thank you so much...

424
00:22:08,536 --> 00:22:10,379
- No, no, we don't have to go.
- You don't have to go.

425
00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:13,048
(STAMMERING)
We've outstayed our welcome.

426
00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:16,218
- No.
- Thank you so much. You've been so...

427
00:22:19,630 --> 00:22:21,303
(MONKEY GIBBERING)

428
00:22:31,684 --> 00:22:33,277
Yikes.

429
00:22:33,769 --> 00:22:36,443
Just follow your instincts, Brooke.

430
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:05,384
(MONKEYS GIBBERING)

431
00:23:10,514 --> 00:23:11,891
Oh! Whoa.

432
00:23:11,974 --> 00:23:12,975
Oh, no.

433
00:23:13,726 --> 00:23:15,399
Are you fucking serious?

434
00:23:15,477 --> 00:23:17,400
- Do you have, like, a paper towel?
- Are you fucking serious?

435
00:23:17,479 --> 00:23:18,776
Like, some seltzer water?

436
00:23:18,856 --> 00:23:20,574
Are you fucking serious?

437
00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:24,161
This is a $10,000 rug.

438
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,493
This is a very fucking expensive rug.

439
00:23:26,572 --> 00:23:29,200
If you're gonna spill on it,
you gotta look more sorry than that!

440
00:23:29,283 --> 00:23:31,126
- I'm really sorry.
- She's sorry.

441
00:23:31,535 --> 00:23:33,037
You know what, if you're really sorry,

442
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:36,670
you'd better be planning to make this
a very special night for all of us,

443
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:39,510
not just you and fucking Missy Malool.

444
00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:41,383
All of us.

445
00:23:41,462 --> 00:23:45,262
And not me just watching you girls
go at it for a little bit

446
00:23:45,341 --> 00:23:49,687
and getting a little bit turned on.
I wanna be balls-deep in something!

447
00:23:50,137 --> 00:23:52,481
And I don't even fucking care what it is.

448
00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:54,979
No more excluding me, Mary Poppins!

449
00:23:55,601 --> 00:23:57,023
It's not fair.

450
00:23:58,604 --> 00:24:00,072
I wanna be part of the group.

451
00:24:01,482 --> 00:24:05,988
- That will never happen.
- Jessa.

452
00:24:09,698 --> 00:24:12,497
This isn't right, is it?

453
00:24:12,576 --> 00:24:14,749
This can't be the way that this goes.

454
00:24:15,955 --> 00:24:19,129
- I'm not gay.
- She's so not gay.

455
00:24:19,208 --> 00:24:21,552
I was just trying to be free.

456
00:24:24,296 --> 00:24:26,298
Do you even know what it's like to work hard?

457
00:24:27,424 --> 00:24:28,892
No. Tell us.

458
00:24:29,176 --> 00:24:30,928
I've been under a lot of pressure

459
00:24:32,096 --> 00:24:35,100
my whole life to succeed.

460
00:24:36,058 --> 00:24:40,655
Daddy didn't buy me this rug
or this apartment or this nose.

461
00:24:40,729 --> 00:24:42,197
That's not your nose.

462
00:24:42,272 --> 00:24:44,024
There's no way that's your fuckin' nose.

463
00:24:44,108 --> 00:24:46,406
There is no cartilage
in the world that exquisite!

464
00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:49,868
So it kind of ticks me off
when I come to Williamsburg

465
00:24:49,947 --> 00:24:54,248
after working hard
all fucking day in the "real world,"

466
00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:58,502
and I see all these stupid little Daddy's
girls with their fuckin' bowler hats...

467
00:24:58,580 --> 00:25:00,958
What are you doing wearing
a fucking bowler hat, stupid?

468
00:25:01,250 --> 00:25:04,424
And then you come over
and you flirt and flirt

469
00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:07,009
and flirt and flirt and kiss and kiss

470
00:25:07,089 --> 00:25:09,808
and listen to my amazing tunes,
drink my beautiful wine,

471
00:25:09,883 --> 00:25:12,682
and then spill it all over my gorgeous rug.

472
00:25:12,761 --> 00:25:14,183
And laugh about it.

473
00:25:15,097 --> 00:25:18,692
Yeah, well, we're not laughing
at your rug, trust me.

474
00:25:18,767 --> 00:25:21,611
- We're not laughing. You... Don't hurt us.
- Come here.

475
00:25:21,812 --> 00:25:24,281
JESSA: We're laughing at your mash-ins.

476
00:25:25,482 --> 00:25:27,359
It's mash-ups!

477
00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:34,533
Oh, and just so you know,

478
00:25:34,616 --> 00:25:37,586
I'm gonna go eat her cunt
on the sidewalk right now.

479
00:25:39,747 --> 00:25:41,215
(DOOR CLOSES)

480
00:25:42,583 --> 00:25:44,585
It's mash-ups.

481
00:25:46,295 --> 00:25:49,720
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

482
00:25:54,011 --> 00:25:56,639
ADAM: Hey. Hey!

483
00:25:58,474 --> 00:26:00,147
Come with me, kid.

484
00:26:06,148 --> 00:26:08,150
Adam.

485
00:26:09,818 --> 00:26:10,819
(DISTANT SIREN BLARING)

486
00:26:10,903 --> 00:26:13,326
This is like when my parents woke me up
during a tornado.

487
00:26:13,405 --> 00:26:15,203
ADAM: Just a little farther.

488
00:26:15,282 --> 00:26:18,661
Adam, I'm tired
and I don't know where we're going.

489
00:26:21,330 --> 00:26:22,923
ADAM: Sorry I yelled at that car.

490
00:26:24,208 --> 00:26:25,209
What?

491
00:26:25,292 --> 00:26:27,215
I wish I could apologize,
but I don't know the driver,

492
00:26:27,294 --> 00:26:30,764
so I guess I'm just gonna have to feel bad
about it forever

493
00:26:30,839 --> 00:26:33,012
unless he drives by again.

494
00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:46,193
(HANNAH LAUGHING)

495
00:26:46,688 --> 00:26:47,985
Jesus.

496
00:26:48,732 --> 00:26:50,450
I'm gonna do that fucking play.

497
00:26:51,860 --> 00:26:52,952
You are?

498
00:26:53,028 --> 00:26:55,122
Yeah. I'm gonna do it so you can watch it.

499
00:26:55,948 --> 00:26:57,950
Oh, my God.

500
00:27:00,661 --> 00:27:02,334
All right, would you help me with this?

501
00:27:02,412 --> 00:27:04,255
How do I help you?

502
00:27:04,873 --> 00:27:07,467
Um, here.

503
00:27:09,837 --> 00:27:11,259
Spread 'em.

504
00:27:11,338 --> 00:27:12,806
What are you doing?

505
00:27:14,550 --> 00:27:16,177
- HANNAH: Oh, my God.
- (GRUNTS)

506
00:27:18,011 --> 00:27:20,355
- ADAM: All right, help me grab these.
- Okay, got it.

507
00:27:20,848 --> 00:27:22,475
HANNAH: Oh, my God, okay.

508
00:27:22,558 --> 00:27:24,731
ADAM: All right, wet it down.

509
00:27:24,810 --> 00:27:26,232
Got it.

510
00:27:27,437 --> 00:27:29,155
Wait. Get a little closer.

511
00:27:30,607 --> 00:27:32,280
- Okay.
- There's bird shit on my head.

512
00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:33,656
- Paper.
- (LAUGHS) Okay.

513
00:27:33,735 --> 00:27:35,237
- HANNAH: This is a ridiculous project.
- Fuck. Harder.

514
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:37,368
- You're a ridiculous person.
- Scrape it harder.

515
00:27:37,447 --> 00:27:39,324
You're a ridiculous person.

516
00:27:39,408 --> 00:27:41,502
- ADAM: All right, let's go fuck.
- Shit! No!

517
00:27:41,577 --> 00:27:43,545
(SQUEALING AND LAUGHING)

518
00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:50,882
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)