♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪
♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪
♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪
♪ Those were the days ♪
♪ And you knew where you were then ♪
♪ Girls were girls, and men were men ♪
♪ Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again ♪
♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪
♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪
♪ Those were the days ♪
Oh, Barney, it's cold out here, huh?
- Geez. - Oh, easy!
Geez, you nearly ungroined me there!
All right. All right, stand it up
over here for now, huh?
Yeah. [GRUNTS]
There.
[SHIVERS]
That's an ugly little tree, Arch.
Maybe you could put the bad side to the wall.
Well, that's a thought.
Which is the bad side?
Well...
I think you got a choice,
'cause there ain't no good side.
Well, that's the last time
I pick up a tree that fell off a truck.
- Archie! - ARCHIE: Yeah, we're home.
Oh, wow, a Christmas tree!
Oh, now, don't look like that.
Edith, Edith...
never frown at a gift from nature.
I was hoping that we could have
a little bigger tree.
Oh, hoping, hoping, you're always hoping.
I told you 30 years ago to give up hoping.
Ain't you got no feelings for me?
Look at these two hands here,
covered with needles and saps.
You want a beer?
with more branches.
What do ya need branches for?
The kid ain't gonna climb it.
It looks dead.
Well, it looks dead because it is dead, Edith.
All Christmas trees is dead.
One of us wants a living tree there.
A beautiful tree is...
a tree that, uh...
"may in summers wear," huh?
"A nest of robins in her hair."
BOTH: * Poems are made *
* By fools like me *
* But only God *
* Can make a tree *
Yes, so show a little respect for the damn thing.
Archie, with Gloria and Mike and Joey
all gonna be here for Christmas,
we oughta have a better-looking tree.
Oh, come on.
I think Edith's right.
Well, I think you oughta shut up.
- I think I oughta go home. - No, why?
Blanche is there all alone.
Well, she ain't exactly alone.
The carpenter's there.
Yeah, but you--
You told me the carpenter's working in the living room.
Yeah, but he's got bedroom eyes.
Oh.
I'll see you at Christmas.
Yeah, okay, Barney, yeah, yeah.
Drop in whenever you want to.
And we don't want you to bring
no presents or nothing.
Thanks, Edith.
Leave him alone, will you, Edith?
Hey, Barney, Barney,
you do what you want.
I'd rather do what Edith wants.
Bye, Edith.
EDITH: Bye, Barney!
You know, Barney is a common sort of a guy,
walking around with a beer can in his hand.
- Oh, just-- - Ahh!
Geez!
Oh, Edith, right on the arm.
Just think--
- Oh, Edith! - Oh, I'm sorry.
Tomorrow they're all gonna be here.
Oh, we're gonna hear all
about the happenings in California.
Hey, I don't want to hear nothing about California.
That's the land of disasters
they went to out there.
Nothing but earthquakes, fires, floods...
movies.
Come on out in the kitch--
Aw, geez!
Come on, I want to show you
a surprise I'm making for little Joey.
Well, if Joey's anything like his father,
the surprise better be a hero sandwich.
Steph and me is making animal cookies.
Well, put a lot of sugar in 'em.
I'm making animals and people
from Joey's favorite nursery rhymes.
See, there's the cow,
and the moon that the cow jumped over--
You're eating a cow.
Yeah.
In about a minute, I'm gonna eat the moon he jumped over.
There's the cats and the fiddles,
and I'm making Jack and Jill,
you know that went up the hill,
and I'm making 'em all out of gingerbread,
so they look like they got beautiful California suntans.
Ain't that cute? [GIGGLES]
No, Edith, you know, I--
I really don't think you oughta be making cookies
like this nowadays.
Why not?
Well, it...
makes you feel like you're eating colored people.
Whoa-ho!
Gee, look at the size of this turkey you bought here.
Yeah.
My God, it's as big as a police dog.
[GIGGLES]
We got a great big hungry crowd coming.
Oh, yeah, I know, the meathead.
Archie...
Christmas is here again.
And may the Lord get us through it.
And that means peace...
and goodwill.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Why do you always think you gotta tell me that, huh?
Listen, I got a lot of peace and goodwill in my heart.
They're just laying there waiting for other people
to bring it out of me.
[PHONE RINGS]
God, I'd like to hit that phone with an ax!
Maybe it's somebody you like.
- [GIGGLES] - Aw, geez.
[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]
Everybody I like stays the hell away from me.
Hello?
Gloria!
Archie, Gloria's calling from California!
What? The kids are calling from California?
- Call Stephie so she can talk to her. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, kiddo, come on down here,
so you can talk to somebody on the phone!
- STEPHIE: Coming! - EDITH: How's the weather?
Oh, good. You sound just like you're in the next room.
Let me talk--
She sounds just like she's in the next room.
Why do people always say that same dumb thing?
That's good! Really?
I want to talk. Will you give me the phone?
- Give me the phone! - Wait a minute.
Your father wants to speak to you. Here he is.
Hi, little girl, this is your father.
How are ya?
Ha ha ha. Edith, Edith, gimme air, will you?
Your mother, she's all over me here.
Yeah. Huh?
Oh, oh, that's nice, yeah.
You know, you sound just like you're in the next room there.
Hey, let me ask you, how's Joey?
He's standing by the phone?!
Put him on, put him on.
He's standing right by the phone, they're gonna put him on.
Gimme a break, Edith.
Hello? Hello, Joe.
Hi, Joey! [MWAH MWAH]
Don't--don't do that.
Hello, Joe, can you guess who you're talking here? Huh?
Well, wait a minute. I'll give you a hint.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
Did you get it? Ha ha!
He guessed it. He guessed it was his grandpa here.
And he Bronx cheered me right back again.
He's a real Bunker there.
- Hey, listen, Joey. - Stephie, come here.
Oh, oh, yeah.
Hey, Joe, hang on.
I want you to talk to a little step-cousin of yours,
twice removed or something.
Yeah, I'll put-- Be nice to her, she's only a girl, you know?
Here, hang on here.
All right, here, Rose Marie, here,
go ahead and say something there,
but be quick because it's long distance.
- What'll I say? - Well, uh...
Say--say hello.
- Hello. - Yeah.
Say your name.
I'm Stephanie.
Say how old you are.
I'm nine years old.
Say what class you're in.
I'm in 4A.
Say, "I love you, Joey."
I love you, Joey.
- Say good-bye. - Good-bye.
Oh!
Give it to me now.
- Gloria! - That kid there!
Oh, I'm so glad you're still there.
No, Stephie thought we was through.
Oh, stop, gimme air.
Well, what time will you be here?
Check the time because we're three hours earlier
here in New York for some reason.
Did you hear that?
Good.
- Oh, yeah. Oh! - Yeah. come on.
Oh, uh-huh...
Come on, let me talk, will you?
- Uh-huh. - Oh, God. "Uh-huh."
We're starting with the "uh-huhs."
We're gonna be an hour here.
[MOCKING EDITH]
[GIBBERISH]
Let me talk to my daughter!
Oh.
What happened?
Oh, no!
Another mudslide?
That's a terrible thing to happen just at this time.
They didn't lose their "condrominium," did they?
You mean he ain't well--
Oh, yeah, I understand.
We love you.
Yeah, I'll tell him.
I'm sorry, too.
Sure, that's all right, go right ahead.
We'll talk soon.
Bye.
What's the matter?
They ain't coming.
Mike's back went out again.
From an earthquake?
No, she couldn't talk long.
Her and Joey was going out the door.
So, what's it gonna be?
I...
I guess this little family
ain't gonna be together for Christmas.
Well...
this whole thing is the fault of the Meathead.
Oh, no, he couldn't help it
if his back went out.
Oh, his back.
If it wasn't his back, it was something else.
- Geez. - What?
Hollywood.
That's right.
I think that he has went Hollywood.
But they live in Santa Barbara.
Same thing.
Santa Barbara is only a hoity-toity suburb of Hollywood.
Oh, what a place-- Hollywood.
Oh, that "salaciouvus" life they live out there.
Yeah. All them cocktail parties, you know,
where you rub up against the likes
of "Farrah's Major Fawcetts."
Oh, geez.
[SIGHS]
Them alone could drive
a guy like the Meathead out of his mind.
Oh, uh, not to mention the nude swimming, huh?
Edith, huh?
In-the-nudeswimming?
Yes.
And the hot, bubbling "Cajuzzis."
And everybody's hands under the water.
Huh?
Oh, let me tell you, Edith.
That Hollywood is the kingdom of the kinky.
I seen by the paper,
they even passed a law out there.
You can't teach school
unless you're a registered "fag."
Ah, so...
stands to reason...
a guy out there having all that fun,
he don't want to won't come back to New York,
spend Christmas with a...
ordinary businessman like me...
and a plain, wore-out housewife like you.
You hear me?
You ain't talking, Edith; that ain't like you.
I'm thinking.
That ain't like you neither.
I wanna think before I talk.
Well, Edith,
an old dog shouldn't try to learn new tricks.
Just-- just talk, talk.
You know, let your thoughts trail behind you
like always.
I'm thinking
that since they didn't come here...
we should go out there.
- Oh, ho ho! - Yeah.
Well, let me tell you something.
I already thought about it and you know what I think?
I think that we should quit thinking about it!
Oh, now, come on, Archie.
I got it all figured out.
Yeah, I know.
Don't you think I heard you before?
Calling up Kennedy Airport
and scratching down all that information?
[GIGGLES] Now, listen to this.
No, don't tell me about it.
We coulda gone on the super saver...
She tells me anyway.
...if we book 30 days in advance,
and stayed away for seven days,
but it's too late for that now.
So, on Monday through Thursday,
the fare is the lowest--it's $270,
$225 for a child.
That's round trip.
But since we gotta go on Saturday,
the rates for Friday through Sunday
is $315, $225, for a child.
That's still round trip.
And we get free meals.
Low cholesterol-- That's for you.
And low sodium-- That's for you.
Kosher-- Oh, that ain't for you.
[HUFFS]
All major credit cards accepted.
- Be at airport one hour before-- - [FAKE SNORING]
Archie, are you asleep?
I heard every word, Edith.
What did I say?
"Archie, are you asleep?"
Listen, you better stay awake,
'cause I got something important to tell ya.
- Nah... - There's a noon flight on Saturday, December 23rd,
leaving Kennedy Airport, New York to Los Angeles, and I got us reservations.
- Nah... - We're booked.
All booked!
♪ California, here we come ♪
♪ Right back where we started from ♪
Stop that, stop that. Stop that! Stop that!
Now, don't be ridiculous, Edith!
We ain't going nowheres!
ARCHIE: If we're going somewhere,
let's get moving, moving, moving!
[GRUNTS]
What the hell did she pack in here?
We're only going on a little trip.
You'd think we was the Jews fleeing from Egypt.
Did you see her put led in here?
No. Only three boxes of cookies.
Led.
I'll be surprised if the plane gets off the ground.
Edith, Barney'll be here any minute!
- Be right down! - [GROANS]
I don't want to go.
Well, neither do I, but you're going the same as me.
Here I am!
I shut all the windows in case it rains,
or snows or hails.
And I left all the shades up,
so burglars will think we're home.
Yeah, but you never phoned Gloria, huh?
Oh, I tried her all morning,
but they don't answer.
I hope there ain't nothing wrong out there.
Yeah, well, if there ain't nothing wrong now,
there will be when we three barge in on them "undenounced."
I'll try her again.
No, Edith, there's no time for that.
- [CAR HORN HONKS] - There's Barney.
Get your coat on, come on, let's go.
Oh, I forgot the turkey!
What the hell are you gonna do, Edith, kiss it goodbye?
I'm gonna take it with us.
That big bird on the plane.
Edith, why don't you just throw it up in the air?
Maybe it'll fly on ahead.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
Hurry up, all right.
At least you, go on, get out in the car.
- No. - Oh, well, now, if you're gonna give me trouble,
and your Aunt Edith can't get moving here,
I'm just gonna sit down in this chair and burst into tears.
- Okay, I'm ready. - Good.
Oh, I forgot to check the gas!
All right, I'm gonna just sit in this chair.
You really gonna cry?
No. Now, will you please get into the car?
I better go to the bathroom again.
You done that!
I want to make sure.
[GROANS]
The gas is okay!
Hey, Arch, come on, will ya? Hurry up.
- What do you say? - [GRUNTS]
What are you doing sitting in a chair?
I'm having a stroke here.
Well, have it on the way to the airport, like everybody else.
[GRUNTS] Oh, what do you got in these, lead?
Cookies.
Oh, where's Stephie?
She's upstairs making sure.
Making what?
Oh, good, here she is. Now you're both here. Let's get going.
I don't want to go.
You what?
I don't want to go.
Why do kids always pull this stunt at the last minute?
Stephie, sure you want to go.
You're gonna meet little Joey,
and you're gonna have fun at Disneyland.
I don't want to have fun at Disneyland.
Well, now, you're gonna have fun where I tell you to have fun.
Now get out into the car!
- No! - Get into that car!
- No! - [GASPS] Stephie!
- Oh, no, Archie, no, please, don't do that. - Let me get my hands on her.
No, Archie, no. Stop.
Edith, I'll only use one hand.
Let me talk to her.
Stephie, don't you want to go with me?
No.
- All right. I'll handle this now. - No, please.
Take it easy. I swear I ain't gonna belt her.
Remember Gloria when she was 9,
and we was trying to take the trip up to East Durham in the Catskills?
- Oh, please, don't do that. - You don't want to miss that plane.
You don't wanna miss the plane. Now, go on, get going.
I'll handle it. Go on.
Don't be too long, Archie.
You don't want to go with us, huh?
No.
You want to stay here by yourself
for the next week or so, huh?
- Yeah. - Yeah, well... what?
You don't have to run. I ain't gonna grab ya or nothing.
You want to stay here, that's okay.
Hey, there's plenty of food out there in the ice box,
and you learned a little about cooking from your Aunt Edith there.
You can take care of the house, a big girl like you.
Starts to get cold, there's the gauge over there;
you shove it up a little bit there.
Only thing is you gotta stay in the house all the time.
You can't go nowheres and you can't let nobody in the front door,
or in the back door neither.
And the most important thing of all.
You know that little door to the attic up there?
Yeah.
That door must be kept locked,
by day...
and by night.
Why?
Oh, ho-ho.
What you don't know...
...won't hurt you.
So that's it.
You stay here all alone!
We'll see you in nine, ten days or so.
Have a nice time, all by yourself.
Merry Christmas.
And...
[LOW-PITCHED] don't be scared.
Five, four,
three, two,
one...
STEPHANIE: Aunt Edith!
Here I am!
[HORN HONKS]
Just locking the door, Barney!
♪ Here I come right back-- ♪
Hey, Barney, your dog is on my lawn.
[♪♪♪]
All in the Family was played to a studio audience
for live responses.