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Hello.
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Hello, hello. Are you open?
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I've got an appointment.
5
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Stella!
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Oh, God! Any luck?
7
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I think she just must have really
weird opening times or something
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in her shop, you know.
9
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Oh, yes, that'll be it.
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I mean, there's designers would kill
to have me wearing their clothes.
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I mean, I have
put on a couple of pounds
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but there's fatter women than me
out there wearing Stella.
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Of course there are.
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Stop it! Stop it!
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There must be someone
still thinks I'm happening.
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There is that one that's
always on the phone.
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What? Begging, begging.
18
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"Oh, please, please."
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Who? Why don't you ever tell me
these things?
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You know, little drunken pirate.
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"All ugly people go to hell.
Go to hell and die."
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John Galliano?
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Yes.
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Darling, that would be
fashion death.
25
00:02:01,243 --> 00:02:04,682
I don't think even Schindler
could rescue me from that faux pas.
26
00:02:04,683 --> 00:02:07,282
No, darling, go and make more phone
calls, more phone calls.
27
00:02:07,283 --> 00:02:08,923
Call Stella's people again.
28
00:02:15,843 --> 00:02:19,802
Oh, God. Laundry in basement.
29
00:02:19,803 --> 00:02:23,162
There's some old pants
under my bed that need moving.
30
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Mum!
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I thought you were still in Africa.
32
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I just got back.
33
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Oh, sweetheart. Look at you. Ooh!
34
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You and... Darling, sweetheart...
35
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Darling, it's just you.
36
00:02:44,763 --> 00:02:46,601
Where's my little
granddaughter, Lola?
37
00:02:46,602 --> 00:02:48,523
Where is she, darling? Where is she?
38
00:02:48,524 --> 00:02:52,843
Mum, Jane is seven now. She's not
going to be inside a biscuit.
39
00:02:54,523 --> 00:02:55,843
Well, darling, where is she?
40
00:02:55,844 --> 00:02:57,482
She lives in Africa.
41
00:02:57,483 --> 00:03:00,442
Oh, lives in Africa! How am I
supposed to see her, darling?
44
00:03:04,324 --> 00:03:06,083
I think you are.
45
00:03:08,843 --> 00:03:10,563
So, I'm just stuck with you am I,
now?
46
00:03:10,564 --> 00:03:12,402
For six months of the year, yes.
47
00:03:12,403 --> 00:03:13,722
Oh, God!
48
00:03:13,723 --> 00:03:18,282
After all the time I've kept you
alive, darling, with food,
with money.
49
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This is the thanks I get, is it?
50
00:03:20,083 --> 00:03:21,483
Yes.
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All right.
52
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Mum, this place is a mess.
53
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Yeah, but it's all biodegrading,
darling, isn't it?
54
00:03:31,643 --> 00:03:32,723
It's eco, sweetheart.
55
00:03:32,724 --> 00:03:35,842
You let it go down to nothing and
then use it as shampoo or something.
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I read that. I read that.
57
00:03:39,083 --> 00:03:41,682
Well, it's disgusting.
Have you been eating in?
58
00:03:41,683 --> 00:03:45,643
No, darling.
There wasn't any food in and yet
somehow today man comes with food.
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I did a Waitrose order
before I left Nigeria.
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00:03:51,163 --> 00:03:54,482
Oh. It's good being global,
innit, darling.
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00:03:54,483 --> 00:03:56,802
It has its uses, global.
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00:03:56,803 --> 00:03:58,162
Is this all your filth?
63
00:03:58,163 --> 00:04:00,922
No, Patsy's living...
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00:04:00,923 --> 00:04:02,202
Oh!
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00:04:02,203 --> 00:04:04,282
Yeah, oh!
Oh, I'm sorry I've got a friend.
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00:04:04,283 --> 00:04:07,442
I'm sorry I'm not a little hermit
crab living in a small shell
under the sea.
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00:04:07,443 --> 00:04:09,482
I'm sorry.
68
00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:12,802
What's all this Mother Africa?
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00:04:12,803 --> 00:04:15,682
What's all that? Hey?
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00:04:15,683 --> 00:04:19,322
Well, Jane and John and... Lola.
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00:04:19,323 --> 00:04:21,802
And the other wives...
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Sss, wivesss, is it?
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Gave me a big send-off.
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I bet they did.
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00:04:32,683 --> 00:04:34,282
And this is traditional costume.
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00:04:34,283 --> 00:04:35,482
Oh, right.
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00:04:35,483 --> 00:04:41,762
So John me old Mufasa and his ten
wives gave you a bit of an hakuna
matata, did they, darling?
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00:04:41,763 --> 00:04:44,602
He only has nine wives, Mum.
79
00:04:44,603 --> 00:04:48,602
Oh, what did he do, melt one down
for glue, trade it in for a goat?
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00:04:48,603 --> 00:04:50,442
You are so ignorant.
81
00:04:50,443 --> 00:04:52,242
Yeah, and proud of it.
82
00:04:52,243 --> 00:04:55,002
Anyway, they've succeeded where
I've failed all these years.
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Look at you! Colour, colour!
84
00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:01,643
Where are you going?
I'm going to change.
85
00:05:01,644 --> 00:05:05,082
No, darling, no, darling.
Stay here. I want to take a picture
of you in colour.
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00:05:05,083 --> 00:05:08,043
I love it, I love it, I love it.
Hang on. I'll get my camera.
87
00:05:09,243 --> 00:05:10,722
Eddy?
88
00:05:10,723 --> 00:05:12,283
Ed. Ed, darling.
89
00:05:13,603 --> 00:05:15,923
Did you get my Tena Lady pants,
darling?
90
00:05:17,043 --> 00:05:20,442
Because it's just that I find I'm,
you know, I'm needing them
91
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more and more nowadays, darling.
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00:05:22,323 --> 00:05:25,322
I'm not completely secure when
I sneeze, you know what I mean?
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Ahhhh!
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00:05:29,443 --> 00:05:30,922
Incontinence pants?
95
00:05:30,923 --> 00:05:33,882
Oh! I will kill you.
No, don't kill her!
96
00:05:33,883 --> 00:05:36,722
Don't kill her. Don't' kill her
until I've taken a picture.
97
00:05:36,723 --> 00:05:42,482
Here we go. Ah, in colour, yes,
for my Facebook. Here we go. Ha ha!
98
00:05:42,483 --> 00:05:44,323
Any way, what are you two
doing here?
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00:05:44,324 --> 00:05:45,363
We live here.
100
00:05:46,723 --> 00:05:49,682
Yes, but I thought you were getting
out of London for the Olympics.
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00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:53,642
No, darling, I rented my house
to Michael Douglas.
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Michael Douglas, Eddy?
Don't you remember Michael Douglas?
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Michael Douglas?
Michael Douglas?
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00:05:58,083 --> 00:06:01,082
Yes, Michael Douglas you little
budgerigar, Michael Douglas.
105
00:06:01,083 --> 00:06:06,122
What the one that looks like
an old tortoise who's married
to Catherine Zeta Jones?
106
00:06:06,123 --> 00:06:08,041
Is he going to bring Catherine
with him?
107
00:06:08,042 --> 00:06:09,483
She'd rather cramp his style.
108
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Your style, you mean.
109
00:06:13,083 --> 00:06:15,283
No. If Catherine comes,
she won't be in London long.
110
00:06:15,284 --> 00:06:17,722
She'll be off to the Mumbles,
won't she?
111
00:06:17,723 --> 00:06:21,882
Any way, darling, before he comes,
we're going to have a full
top-to-tail renovation.
112
00:06:21,883 --> 00:06:24,682
We're going to have the Grand
Designs of makeovers.
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00:06:24,683 --> 00:06:27,522
We're going to be exfoliated,
augmented, liposuctioned,
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00:06:27,523 --> 00:06:28,843
lasered and lifted, darling.
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00:06:28,844 --> 00:06:32,442
I'll be wearing my buttocks as a
head dress by the time he arrives.
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And I'm going to have just a little
tightening procedure.
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Won't he have come to watch
the Olympics?
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Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, Olympics?
119
00:06:42,043 --> 00:06:46,482
No, darling! He's a player, but
a player of a very different kind.
120
00:06:46,483 --> 00:06:49,362
He's be our ticket to all the clubs
in London, isn't he, darling?
121
00:06:49,363 --> 00:06:51,083
He is Hollywood royalty, sweetheart.
122
00:06:51,084 --> 00:06:54,282
Well, you better hurry up,
because it starts this week.
123
00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:55,482
What?
124
00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:57,042
The Olympics.
125
00:06:57,043 --> 00:06:58,723
What?
126
00:07:00,683 --> 00:07:03,882
No! Darling, did you know
it started this week?
127
00:07:03,883 --> 00:07:07,522
What? The, the, the,
the running, the Olympics.
128
00:07:07,523 --> 00:07:08,722
Where?
129
00:07:08,723 --> 00:07:10,922
Oh, my God, how can you
have missed it?
130
00:07:10,923 --> 00:07:13,042
Even coming from the airport,
it's everywhere.
131
00:07:13,043 --> 00:07:16,963
Darling, it's been everywhere
for five bloody years, hasn't it?
132
00:07:18,203 --> 00:07:22,562
Will we, won't we? Will it be built,
won't it be built?
133
00:07:22,563 --> 00:07:24,242
Will we win? No, we won't.
134
00:07:24,243 --> 00:07:26,962
Darling, excuse me if I missed
it actually started.
135
00:07:26,963 --> 00:07:28,363
It's been like tinnitus!
136
00:07:30,403 --> 00:07:32,243
I am Spartacus.
137
00:07:33,843 --> 00:07:35,443
Oh, God, Eddy - a talking sperm.
138
00:07:37,803 --> 00:07:39,123
He's on his way.
139
00:07:40,163 --> 00:07:42,722
What? What, who, what? Spartacus.
140
00:07:42,723 --> 00:07:46,122
- Spartacus. What's...
- Michael Douglas?
141
00:07:46,123 --> 00:07:47,882
He wasn't Spartacus.
142
00:07:47,883 --> 00:07:49,922
No, I am Spartacus.
143
00:07:49,923 --> 00:07:52,922
I am Spartacus! I am Spartacus!
Stop it.
144
00:07:52,923 --> 00:07:54,282
He comes.
145
00:07:54,283 --> 00:07:57,482
What, he's on his way from America?
146
00:07:57,483 --> 00:07:59,522
No, from the airport.
147
00:07:59,523 --> 00:08:02,642
No! No, no, no, no!
148
00:08:02,643 --> 00:08:05,082
I was going to be thin. Oh, God!
149
00:08:05,083 --> 00:08:08,922
Quick, get the Hoover, give me lipo,
get a knife, slice off the fat.
150
00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:12,722
You can't be here, darling.
You can't be here, sweetheart.
151
00:08:12,723 --> 00:08:15,402
Oh, yes, you can if you serve.
Be staff, be staff.
152
00:08:15,403 --> 00:08:18,242
Serve, sweetheart,
and none of your lip, all right?
153
00:08:18,243 --> 00:08:20,723
Come on, Pats, we've got to
get ready. Yes, but Eddy,
154
00:08:20,724 --> 00:08:23,402
I need a little bit of a tidy up.
I've got a razor upstairs.
155
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:26,282
No, darling, I mean a real,
you know, sort of clipping, you know.
156
00:08:26,283 --> 00:08:28,842
I need scissors. All right,
sweetheart. I've got scissors.
157
00:08:28,843 --> 00:08:30,282
You're disgusting.
158
00:08:30,283 --> 00:08:36,122
Oh, it comes to us all, you know,
darling. The swinging saloon doors.
159
00:08:36,123 --> 00:08:38,122
What are you dressed as?
160
00:08:38,123 --> 00:08:42,043
I represent a shattered
Olympic dream.
161
00:08:53,523 --> 00:08:56,443
Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous.
162
00:08:58,683 --> 00:09:00,643
Sweetheart, sweetheart,
look, darling,
163
00:09:00,644 --> 00:09:03,162
I've got a few sexy bits
and pieces. What do you think?
164
00:09:03,163 --> 00:09:05,162
It's for Michael. For Michael.
165
00:09:05,163 --> 00:09:06,682
Is he into that sort of thing?
166
00:09:06,683 --> 00:09:08,762
No, I'd be wearing it,
I'd be wearing it.
167
00:09:08,763 --> 00:09:11,402
Oh, no, Eddy, no. No? No, oh.
168
00:09:11,403 --> 00:09:13,763
I'll just leave them about
the house, give him a thrill.
169
00:09:15,963 --> 00:09:20,162
Oh, darling. Bloody hell, that's
strong, sweetheart, isn't it?
170
00:09:20,163 --> 00:09:23,762
I can't see if I'm making up a pore
or a nostril. What's that?
171
00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:26,962
Oh, it's a nostril. Eddy, Eddy,
darling, darling, darling.
172
00:09:26,963 --> 00:09:28,643
How do I look? How do I look, Eddy?
173
00:09:28,644 --> 00:09:30,762
I can... I think I can see
a panty line.
174
00:09:30,763 --> 00:09:32,162
But Eddy. What?
175
00:09:32,163 --> 00:09:34,282
I'm not wearing any pants. Oh!
176
00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:36,842
Oh, no! No, no!
177
00:09:36,843 --> 00:09:38,962
It's just folds of old skin,
it must be.
178
00:09:38,963 --> 00:09:41,762
No, no! Oh, Eddy!
179
00:09:41,763 --> 00:09:44,002
It'll be all right, darling.
Darling? Yeah?
180
00:09:44,003 --> 00:09:47,002
Darling, wear my control body.
Wear my control body,
181
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:51,562
my elasticated control body.
Come on, it's for Michael,
it's for Michael.
182
00:09:51,563 --> 00:09:54,722
We're going to be hitting the town,
darling, aren't we?
183
00:09:54,723 --> 00:09:56,402
Oh, yeah.
184
00:09:56,403 --> 00:09:59,322
I mean, darling, you know,
there's spank DJs out there
185
00:09:59,323 --> 00:10:01,122
I haven't even danced to yet.
186
00:10:01,123 --> 00:10:03,722
Honey Dijon is killing it.
I haven't even lived it.
187
00:10:03,723 --> 00:10:05,962
And Narcissister, darling.
What's that, darling?
188
00:10:05,963 --> 00:10:08,323
Well, she's a kind of crazy disco
performance artist.
189
00:10:08,324 --> 00:10:11,842
She pulls things out of her pussy
on a rotating platform
singing I'm Every Woman.
190
00:10:11,843 --> 00:10:14,522
He'll love that, won't he?
He'll love that. Yeah.
191
00:10:14,523 --> 00:10:17,242
Oh, yeah, there's so much stuff
that's happening and going
192
00:10:17,243 --> 00:10:20,162
and fierce and major out there
and we're going to be there.
193
00:10:20,163 --> 00:10:22,162
But those clubs won't have us
any more.
194
00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:25,362
Well, they will if Michael is
with us, won't they, sweetheart?
195
00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:29,802
Eddy, can't we just go to Shoreditch
House, sit on a little sofa,
196
00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:33,602
get in a few drinks, smooch a little
waiter, see who's there.
197
00:10:33,603 --> 00:10:35,682
Lovely. No, no, no!
198
00:10:35,683 --> 00:10:39,722
I will not let doors close on me
yet, darling. I won't. Come on.
199
00:10:39,723 --> 00:10:42,082
We're going to party
and show him a good time.
200
00:10:42,083 --> 00:10:44,442
Yeah. Come on, let's get into these.
OK, yeah.
201
00:10:44,443 --> 00:10:46,643
Pop your foot in. Pop in.
Pop your foot in. Pop in.
202
00:10:46,644 --> 00:10:49,202
Pop your little foot in. Now jump,
jump, jump, jump.
203
00:10:49,203 --> 00:10:51,322
You want to jump? You jump!
204
00:10:51,323 --> 00:10:56,442
Well, look at you, dear.
Oh, hello, Gran.
205
00:10:56,443 --> 00:10:59,962
Do you like it? Oh, yes!
206
00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:02,163
I once had a table cloth like that.
207
00:11:04,083 --> 00:11:08,042
Is that what all those others are
wearing out there in the, er...
208
00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:10,083
The, you know, hm-hm, hm-hm...
209
00:11:12,403 --> 00:11:13,962
Harem?
210
00:11:13,963 --> 00:11:17,282
Oh, it's not really a harem, Gran.
211
00:11:17,283 --> 00:11:20,522
I feel very special when
I'm with his other wives.
212
00:11:20,523 --> 00:11:22,322
Good.
213
00:11:22,323 --> 00:11:25,002
Erm, how is little Jane?
214
00:11:25,003 --> 00:11:27,802
Oh, she's very nice
and she's quite grown up.
215
00:11:27,803 --> 00:11:31,682
She's not so little any more.
I've got a picture.
216
00:11:31,683 --> 00:11:35,922
Oh, she's beautiful, dear.
217
00:11:35,923 --> 00:11:37,603
Definitely yours?
218
00:11:39,083 --> 00:11:41,002
Yes.
219
00:11:41,003 --> 00:11:44,842
Anyway, we've decided that I'm
going to spend three months here
220
00:11:44,843 --> 00:11:49,842
then three months over there because
I've got such a lot of important
work with the various charities.
221
00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:51,642
And I don't want Lola...
222
00:11:51,643 --> 00:11:54,802
Jane to have to keep
changing schools.
223
00:11:54,803 --> 00:11:56,242
Oh, no, no.
224
00:11:56,243 --> 00:11:59,842
It, erm... It gets very hot
out there, doesn't it, dear?
225
00:11:59,843 --> 00:12:01,842
Yes, it does. Mm.
226
00:12:01,843 --> 00:12:05,842
And the bathroom facilities?
227
00:12:05,843 --> 00:12:08,803
Squat and hope it doesn't
hit your shoes?
228
00:12:11,323 --> 00:12:13,803
Yes, it's a bit splattery.
229
00:12:15,163 --> 00:12:19,322
Well, I understand why
you've come back, dear.
230
00:12:19,323 --> 00:12:21,802
You and I like our comforts,
don't we? Mm.
231
00:12:21,803 --> 00:12:24,682
And Jane is very happy.
232
00:12:24,683 --> 00:12:27,161
Are you going to be
watching the Olympics? Oh, yes.
233
00:12:27,162 --> 00:12:28,763
It's one of the reasons I came home.
234
00:12:28,764 --> 00:12:32,042
I want to watch it on the telly here
because the coverage will be
so much better.
235
00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:34,242
Will you? Oh, yes.
236
00:12:34,243 --> 00:12:37,242
I shall be waving a flag
for the BLTs.
237
00:12:37,243 --> 00:12:39,602
You mean Team GB.
238
00:12:39,603 --> 00:12:42,163
Oh, the gays and bisexuals, dear?
239
00:12:43,523 --> 00:12:47,282
I thought they had their own games.
240
00:12:47,283 --> 00:12:51,842
Come on, darling, come on, come on,
come on. Step, step, step, step.
241
00:12:51,843 --> 00:12:54,162
This, it's very, sort of, tight.
242
00:12:54,163 --> 00:12:57,962
It's tight cos you're looking
fabulous! Now stand, stand, stand.
243
00:12:57,963 --> 00:13:00,362
Stand, go on. Waaay! Oh!
244
00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:03,202
Come on, sweetheart. It'll be
all right. Come on, darling.
245
00:13:03,203 --> 00:13:07,762
Where's Bubble? Darling, go and get
Saffy to bring up a tray of drinks
for Michael Douglas.
246
00:13:07,763 --> 00:13:09,082
What does he drink?
247
00:13:09,083 --> 00:13:13,922
He's an alcoholic, isn't he? I
mean... So? Everything! Everything!
248
00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:16,203
Come on. Come, come, come, come.
249
00:13:18,163 --> 00:13:20,282
Are you going to sit here,
sweetheart. Just...
250
00:13:20,283 --> 00:13:23,362
Visible panty line? No, darling,
nothing, nothing. You're a tube.
251
00:13:23,363 --> 00:13:25,682
You're just a tube. It's not very
easy, darling.
252
00:13:25,683 --> 00:13:27,963
There you are, darling.
You sit down.
253
00:13:35,443 --> 00:13:37,802
Darling, which end sneezed then?
254
00:13:37,803 --> 00:13:40,562
Both ends, Eddy. Oh, God.
255
00:13:40,563 --> 00:13:43,482
Just stay sitting.
Oh, the door! Oh, my God!
256
00:13:43,483 --> 00:13:46,802
Clear, clear, clear!
I'm getting the door!
257
00:13:46,803 --> 00:13:49,322
Oh, Michael's at my door.
258
00:13:49,323 --> 00:13:51,882
Michael!
259
00:13:51,883 --> 00:13:53,563
Hi, hi, hi. It's us!
260
00:13:55,883 --> 00:13:56,923
Hello!
261
00:13:59,443 --> 00:14:01,722
You stay back. I'm going to make
sure it's safe.
262
00:14:01,723 --> 00:14:04,402
Hello! Oh, my God!
263
00:14:04,403 --> 00:14:05,602
Whoopi?
264
00:14:05,603 --> 00:14:08,042
No, it's me.
265
00:14:08,043 --> 00:14:10,002
Queen Latifah? No!
266
00:14:10,003 --> 00:14:13,242
It's me! Oh, it's you!
Of course it's you.
267
00:14:13,243 --> 00:14:15,042
Then it's safe, Marshall. Come on.
268
00:14:15,043 --> 00:14:17,042
What are you doing here?
You can't be here.
269
00:14:17,043 --> 00:14:19,003
We've got Michael Douglas coming.
Oh, no, no.
270
00:14:19,004 --> 00:14:22,282
He's not coming. He gave Marshall
his trip. What?
271
00:14:22,283 --> 00:14:24,042
I've been his caddy. Oh!
272
00:14:24,043 --> 00:14:25,602
Michael, Catherine...
273
00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:28,083
No, it's not them!
It's not them, darling.
274
00:14:30,963 --> 00:14:33,402
What are you doing here?
275
00:14:33,403 --> 00:14:37,922
Well, Marshall caught sex addiction
from Michael Douglas. Oh!
276
00:14:37,923 --> 00:14:39,403
So I got him on a programme.
277
00:14:39,404 --> 00:14:40,442
Really?
278
00:14:40,443 --> 00:14:44,002
Oh, you have nothing to
worry about. Oh, I don't care.
279
00:14:44,003 --> 00:14:46,042
You definitely have nothing
to worry about.
280
00:14:46,043 --> 00:14:48,442
OK, thank you.
I don't have sex addiction, Bo.
281
00:14:48,443 --> 00:14:50,562
Do you hear that trickling sound,
Marshall.
282
00:14:50,563 --> 00:14:53,682
Yeah, that's a little river
we call denial.
283
00:14:53,683 --> 00:14:56,842
Would you like a cup of tea?
No, no, no!
284
00:14:56,843 --> 00:15:01,322
Get out, get out! Why does nothing
work for me any more?
285
00:15:01,323 --> 00:15:02,922
I don't want you here.
286
00:15:02,923 --> 00:15:05,682
I don't want you, I don't want you,
I don't want you.
287
00:15:05,683 --> 00:15:09,082
Why are you here
and why are you so old? Mmm?
288
00:15:09,083 --> 00:15:12,762
Have I been in a coma
and just woken up? Look at me!
289
00:15:12,763 --> 00:15:13,963
I mean, honestly!
290
00:15:17,843 --> 00:15:21,242
I'm not a cup of tea,
I'm a party girl!
291
00:15:21,243 --> 00:15:25,082
I've still got it.
I'm still going, I'm still alive.
292
00:15:25,083 --> 00:15:28,002
Come on, Pats, we're still alive!
293
00:15:28,003 --> 00:15:31,522
Still alive. I'm still alive.
Come on, Pats.
294
00:15:31,523 --> 00:15:33,882
Because we are still party girls.
295
00:15:33,883 --> 00:15:36,882
God, why isn't there a pill to make
people disappear? Come on, come on.
296
00:15:36,883 --> 00:15:39,962
Pats, Pats. Pats. Pats.
297
00:15:39,963 --> 00:15:41,202
Mum, stop it.
298
00:15:41,203 --> 00:15:46,402
She's not breathing.
Breathe, breathe, Pats. Come on.
299
00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:49,722
Oh, my God, what is she wearing?
300
00:15:49,723 --> 00:15:53,002
That's just my control body.
Just my control...
301
00:15:53,003 --> 00:15:55,002
Well, it's suffocating her. No!
302
00:15:55,003 --> 00:15:57,202
Crushing what organs she has left.
303
00:15:57,203 --> 00:16:00,002
Do something! Go and get me
some scissors.
304
00:16:00,003 --> 00:16:02,562
Let me help. Don't you get near
that woman's crotch
305
00:16:02,563 --> 00:16:05,202
or I'll twist your little head off.
306
00:16:05,203 --> 00:16:07,322
Come on!
Mum, she hasn't got a pulse.
307
00:16:07,323 --> 00:16:11,602
She doesn't have a pulse,
darling. She's never had a pulse.
308
00:16:11,603 --> 00:16:13,962
Get out of the way, I'll do CPR.
Oh, God!
309
00:16:13,963 --> 00:16:15,082
Ah!
310
00:16:15,083 --> 00:16:16,163
Uh!
311
00:16:17,883 --> 00:16:22,643
Michael, Catherine... No, no,
no, it's not them, darling.
312
00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:27,322
So how are you both?
We're fine.
313
00:16:27,323 --> 00:16:29,002
We are not fine. Marshall.
314
00:16:29,003 --> 00:16:32,202
Now keep your hands
where I can see them.
315
00:16:32,203 --> 00:16:35,082
I had to get him
out of that depraved environment,
316
00:16:35,083 --> 00:16:37,802
that crazy golf scene
with Michael Douglas.
317
00:16:37,803 --> 00:16:39,602
I was his caddy.
318
00:16:39,603 --> 00:16:42,362
Oh, yes, anything for Michael.
319
00:16:42,363 --> 00:16:46,242
Always looking for Michael's golf
balls in the rough at night clubs.
320
00:16:46,243 --> 00:16:48,922
"Oh, I'm just looking for Michael's
golf ball,
321
00:16:48,923 --> 00:16:52,082
"that's why I have my hand up
this woman's vagina."
322
00:16:52,083 --> 00:16:53,642
That didn't happen!
323
00:16:53,643 --> 00:16:57,842
It happened. It happened,
Marshall. Oh, and the golf parties.
324
00:16:57,843 --> 00:17:02,162
Naked women spread eagle on
the floor for putting practice.
325
00:17:02,163 --> 00:17:06,202
And you get an Indonesian one and
she pops the ball BACK to you.
326
00:17:06,203 --> 00:17:07,922
Isn't that right?
327
00:17:07,923 --> 00:17:10,642
Did you ever get a hole
in one, Marshall?
328
00:17:10,643 --> 00:17:14,922
He's a sex fiend.
Bo, you're having a bad menopause.
329
00:17:14,923 --> 00:17:19,362
Saffy, all I want
is a normal amount of sex.
330
00:17:19,363 --> 00:17:21,283
Shall we talk about something else?
331
00:17:21,284 --> 00:17:24,402
Oh, no. When there's something like
this that's got its grip on you,
332
00:17:24,403 --> 00:17:26,042
it's hard to let go.
333
00:17:26,043 --> 00:17:29,242
Yeah, when you dance with a gorilla,
the gorilla leads.
334
00:17:29,243 --> 00:17:31,523
Oh, and you are the gorilla?
335
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:39,762
No, I'm not the gorilla. Don't you
people know about addiction?
336
00:17:39,763 --> 00:17:42,482
She's got me on the 12 Steps. Yeah.
337
00:17:42,483 --> 00:17:45,002
And it's a staircase,
not an escalator.
338
00:17:45,003 --> 00:17:49,202
You've got to work at it. You've got
some stinking thinking, mister.
339
00:17:49,203 --> 00:17:50,962
Oh, why don't we have a meeting?
340
00:17:50,963 --> 00:17:53,403
I've got to go upstairs.
Will you be all right, Gran?
341
00:17:53,404 --> 00:17:56,762
Oh, yes, fine, dear.
I shall plug into my iTunes.
342
00:17:56,763 --> 00:18:00,002
She can stay in the meeting with us.
OK, everybody ready?
343
00:18:00,003 --> 00:18:02,002
All right, let's convene.
344
00:18:02,003 --> 00:18:05,562
Oh, who do we have here?
"Hello, I'm Susan."
345
00:18:05,563 --> 00:18:09,202
Well, hello, Susan and welcome.
"And I'm an alcoholic."
346
00:18:09,203 --> 00:18:14,042
Susan, you're in the wrong meeting!
This is sex addiction!
347
00:18:14,043 --> 00:18:17,842
Isn't that funny?
She wandered in. "I'm an alcoholic."
348
00:18:17,843 --> 00:18:20,162
You're in the wrong... Go!
349
00:18:20,163 --> 00:18:22,563
Funny. Isn't it funny? Oh...
350
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:31,762
Another shattered dream?
351
00:18:31,763 --> 00:18:32,883
How dare you!
352
00:18:34,243 --> 00:18:35,723
Still very much alive.
353
00:18:41,123 --> 00:18:43,602
You all right now?
Yeah, darling, fine.
354
00:18:43,603 --> 00:18:46,762
Just waiting for a little kidney
to get back into place.
355
00:18:46,763 --> 00:18:50,482
It just feels like the world's
closing up on me, darling.
356
00:18:50,483 --> 00:18:54,602
There's so much new stuff
happening out there and...
357
00:18:54,603 --> 00:18:56,282
I just can't keep up.
358
00:18:56,283 --> 00:18:59,042
Do you mind, Eddy? What?
I mean, do you mind?
359
00:18:59,043 --> 00:19:03,922
I know what you're feeling, darling,
but really, I just don't even care.
360
00:19:03,923 --> 00:19:07,682
Oh, I suppose there is
a certain numbness. Yes.
361
00:19:07,683 --> 00:19:10,522
I'm quite glad the old gecko
didn't show. Are you?
362
00:19:10,523 --> 00:19:13,122
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Cheers. Yeah.
363
00:19:13,123 --> 00:19:14,962
You all right?
364
00:19:14,963 --> 00:19:16,203
Yes. Yes!
365
00:19:22,843 --> 00:19:27,322
Mum? Mm? I want you to listen.
Oh, God, here we go.
366
00:19:27,323 --> 00:19:31,082
I don't understand
why you're so desperate.
367
00:19:31,083 --> 00:19:34,602
Because it feels like the whole
world of doors is closing on me.
368
00:19:34,603 --> 00:19:36,083
Closing, closing, closing.
369
00:19:36,084 --> 00:19:39,722
Of course, but you're blind to the
doors that are opening up to you.
370
00:19:39,723 --> 00:19:42,242
Oh, oh, oh. You mean age appropriate
doors, darling,
371
00:19:42,243 --> 00:19:44,082
is that what you're talking about?
372
00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:47,562
Well, let me tell you, where I want
to be doesn't seem to want me.
373
00:19:47,563 --> 00:19:48,603
Oh, for God's sake.
374
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:52,922
One of the biggest events ever
in the history of London is taking
place on your doorstep.
375
00:19:52,923 --> 00:19:55,762
Why have you not taken an interest?
376
00:19:55,763 --> 00:19:57,443
Cher is at the O2?
377
00:19:59,283 --> 00:20:02,282
The Olympics! Oh, no, Eddy.
378
00:20:02,283 --> 00:20:04,922
Not bloody sport, darling.
379
00:20:04,923 --> 00:20:06,442
Remember sport in school?
380
00:20:06,443 --> 00:20:10,962
Just big blue pants and blotchy legs
and a very tight aertex shirt.
381
00:20:10,963 --> 00:20:13,922
And huge teenage knockers
just wobbling, wobbling.
382
00:20:13,923 --> 00:20:16,402
200 metres, blob, blob, blob, blob.
383
00:20:16,403 --> 00:20:18,242
Hurdles.
384
00:20:18,243 --> 00:20:21,362
Hurdles, hurdles, hurdles! Ow!
385
00:20:21,363 --> 00:20:23,402
Are you blaming the games kit?
386
00:20:23,403 --> 00:20:25,242
Yes, what's your excuse?
387
00:20:25,243 --> 00:20:29,162
I was very good at games, you just
never came to my sports days.
388
00:20:29,163 --> 00:20:31,522
That's not true. I remember
the eggyspoony race.
389
00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:33,162
Yes, and you ate the egg.
390
00:20:33,163 --> 00:20:38,082
And she... Yeah I, I shagged the gym
master on the long jump pitch.
391
00:20:38,083 --> 00:20:41,882
You see, darling, we were there,
we were there.
392
00:20:41,883 --> 00:20:44,163
What are you going to do,
just sit in here and fester?
393
00:20:44,164 --> 00:20:46,763
Oh, piss off! Piss off.
394
00:20:51,523 --> 00:20:52,723
Fine.
395
00:20:54,043 --> 00:21:00,083
But let me tell you, next time,
it might be a case of "Do not
revive" on your sad old corpse.
396
00:21:01,363 --> 00:21:02,603
Urgh!
397
00:21:04,603 --> 00:21:09,482
OK, Mama! Mama! Mama,
you got something to share?
398
00:21:09,483 --> 00:21:12,242
I'm watching an old
Homes Under the Hammer, dear.
399
00:21:12,243 --> 00:21:17,682
Listen, Bo, I don't have
sex addiction. You have menopause.
400
00:21:17,683 --> 00:21:22,682
Why can't you see that having
menopause is a natural part
of being a woman?
401
00:21:22,683 --> 00:21:26,922
Why can't you see that being stupid
is a natural part of being a man?
402
00:21:26,923 --> 00:21:29,082
I still have hormones.
403
00:21:29,083 --> 00:21:32,202
Yeah, my ovaries are popping around
in there like a pinball machine.
404
00:21:32,203 --> 00:21:33,363
Oh, there goes an egg.
405
00:21:33,364 --> 00:21:37,882
Bo, you're bitchy and sweaty
and sleepy and grumpy.
406
00:21:37,883 --> 00:21:40,482
Oh, Marshall, what are those,
the menopause dwarves?
407
00:21:40,483 --> 00:21:45,162
OK. That's it. I'm going out.
I need some air.
408
00:21:45,163 --> 00:21:47,563
Oh, look who thinks he's God.
Well, you know what,
409
00:21:47,564 --> 00:21:49,682
if God were small enough
to understand,
410
00:21:49,683 --> 00:21:51,922
I wouldn't be big enough to be God.
411
00:21:51,923 --> 00:21:54,762
You're not God, Bo.
No, but I'm bigger than you.
412
00:21:54,763 --> 00:21:58,202
Don't go up those stairs. Do not
go up those stairs. Do not go up.
413
00:21:58,203 --> 00:22:01,362
Do not go up those stairs!
414
00:22:01,363 --> 00:22:04,202
Stop running with those little legs!
I'm going out, Bo.
415
00:22:04,203 --> 00:22:06,642
We have all these
Michael Douglas invites,
416
00:22:06,643 --> 00:22:08,842
and God damn it,
I'm going to use them.
417
00:22:08,843 --> 00:22:13,083
Wait for me, my wild mustang.
Somebody get me my lasso!
418
00:22:30,763 --> 00:22:33,122
Oh, Michael Douglas, plus one.
419
00:22:33,123 --> 00:22:35,282
What's that for? Ugh!
420
00:22:35,283 --> 00:22:37,842
It's an invite, darling.
Can't tell what it's for,
421
00:22:37,843 --> 00:22:40,842
something gone wrong with
their graphics or something.
422
00:22:40,843 --> 00:22:43,083
Mum, that's the Olympics logo.
423
00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:45,403
Is it?
424
00:22:46,603 --> 00:22:49,522
Oh, oh. Why don't you go?
It's a door.
425
00:22:49,523 --> 00:22:52,522
It's not a door. Will you stop
going on about the doors?
426
00:22:52,523 --> 00:22:54,882
All right, it's a party.
It's a par..
427
00:22:54,883 --> 00:22:56,402
Oh! And there's champagne.
428
00:22:56,403 --> 00:22:58,443
Champagne.
429
00:23:01,843 --> 00:23:03,362
Pats...
430
00:23:06,563 --> 00:23:09,602
Darling, it's for SPARTS.
I told you.
431
00:23:09,603 --> 00:23:11,323
Not those bloody elasticated pants.
432
00:23:11,324 --> 00:23:14,602
No darling, no darling. SPARTS.
Sports and Arts.
433
00:23:14,603 --> 00:23:17,042
It's for the Olympics.
434
00:23:17,043 --> 00:23:18,962
Oh, thank you.
435
00:23:18,963 --> 00:23:21,802
Hello, can I introduce you
to someone? If you must.
436
00:23:21,803 --> 00:23:23,563
Dame Kelly Holmes. Nice to meet you.
437
00:23:23,564 --> 00:23:26,522
Double Olympic champion, of course.
Dame, is it?
438
00:23:26,523 --> 00:23:28,642
Yes, that's right. What's that for?
439
00:23:28,643 --> 00:23:31,482
Well... A bit of running, was it?
That's right. Lots of running.
440
00:23:31,483 --> 00:23:34,482
Will you be doing the running in
this running races, the Olympics?
441
00:23:34,483 --> 00:23:37,122
No, I've actually retired now,
so, erm... Yeah.
442
00:23:37,123 --> 00:23:42,122
I've lost Marshall. I walk away
for two seconds and he's gone.
443
00:23:42,123 --> 00:23:44,402
The little Casanova.
444
00:23:44,403 --> 00:23:45,923
Marshall?
445
00:23:50,003 --> 00:23:51,722
Lots and lots of it...
446
00:23:51,723 --> 00:23:52,922
Marshall!
447
00:23:52,923 --> 00:23:56,082
Don't make a scene, Bo. Who is this?
448
00:23:56,083 --> 00:23:59,922
Who is this? Who is THIS?
This is his wife!
449
00:23:59,923 --> 00:24:01,243
Well, we were only talking.
450
00:24:01,244 --> 00:24:02,682
Bo, this is Tanni.
451
00:24:02,683 --> 00:24:05,482
Tanni, Tanni.
452
00:24:05,483 --> 00:24:06,643
Satan be thy name.
453
00:24:06,644 --> 00:24:10,082
Why don't you take a dagger
and thrust it into my heart?
454
00:24:10,083 --> 00:24:13,322
Tanni. Cute name for the devil.
455
00:24:13,323 --> 00:24:17,122
Tanni, can I help?
Yeah, I'm going to mingle.
456
00:24:17,123 --> 00:24:18,682
Don't let them follow me.
457
00:24:18,683 --> 00:24:20,803
I've got your back.
458
00:24:22,963 --> 00:24:26,082
So, Mark, you're an athlete.
What's your distance?
459
00:24:26,083 --> 00:24:29,882
Do you do sort of long and slow
or short, powerful bursts?
460
00:24:29,883 --> 00:24:30,923
I'm a sprinter.
461
00:24:32,243 --> 00:24:37,082
Darling, he's blind. Yeah.
Suits me, darling, that's lucky.
462
00:24:37,083 --> 00:24:40,282
Ladies and gentlemen, in a minute
there will be some speeches
463
00:24:40,283 --> 00:24:42,401
from the Head of the Arts Council.
Let's go, Eddy.
464
00:24:42,402 --> 00:24:43,763
We don't want any speeches.
465
00:24:43,764 --> 00:24:46,082
And Miss Stella McCartney.
466
00:24:46,083 --> 00:24:47,442
Stella?!
467
00:24:47,443 --> 00:24:50,482
Who designed the uniforms and kit
for the British team.
468
00:24:50,483 --> 00:24:52,602
Stella games kit?
469
00:24:52,603 --> 00:24:54,403
Darling, if I'd had a Stella
games kit,
470
00:24:54,404 --> 00:24:56,482
I would have become a runner,
wouldn't I?
471
00:24:56,483 --> 00:24:58,803
I could wear Stella. Stella!
472
00:25:01,483 --> 00:25:03,643
I'm going over there to clear it up
once and for all.
473
00:25:03,644 --> 00:25:05,202
If she knew me, she would love me.
474
00:25:05,203 --> 00:25:07,643
Oh, if you do go up to her,
remember you're a somebody.
475
00:25:07,644 --> 00:25:10,282
Do it with dignity, Eds, and don't
take any nonsense from her.
476
00:25:10,283 --> 00:25:11,802
Oh... Stella!
477
00:25:11,803 --> 00:25:14,403
Stella, Stella. Stella, Stella.
478
00:25:15,923 --> 00:25:18,682
Stella, Stella, Stella.
479
00:25:18,683 --> 00:25:20,722
Stella, why don't you love me?
480
00:25:20,723 --> 00:25:22,442
I don't know you.
481
00:25:22,443 --> 00:25:24,962
But I would look great in
your clothes, wouldn't I?
482
00:25:24,963 --> 00:25:26,283
I'm not... I don't think so.
483
00:25:26,284 --> 00:25:28,162
Stella, Stella. Don't touch me.
484
00:25:28,163 --> 00:25:29,883
Patsy knows your dad, sweetheart.
Oh.
485
00:25:29,884 --> 00:25:33,842
Well, I had him once in a small
cupboard back stage in Hamburg.
486
00:25:33,843 --> 00:25:36,922
I think it was him. It was one of
the four. Might've been Yoko Ono.
487
00:25:36,923 --> 00:25:39,962
This is Mark. He likes us.
488
00:25:39,963 --> 00:25:41,202
He's blind.
489
00:25:41,203 --> 00:25:44,082
But darling, blind is the new black.
490
00:25:44,083 --> 00:25:46,082
Sorry, you're going to have
to leave.
491
00:25:46,083 --> 00:25:49,482
Oh, oh. Steady, steady. What? What?
492
00:25:49,483 --> 00:25:50,602
What? What?
493
00:25:50,603 --> 00:25:52,202
Sorry about that, Stella.
494
00:25:52,203 --> 00:25:55,163
She's been a nightmare.
She has been stalking me.
495
00:25:59,403 --> 00:26:02,802
Eddy, they really upset you.
Get up there, get up there.
496
00:26:02,803 --> 00:26:08,003
Last time I ever... be like that,
being nice to people.
497
00:26:11,163 --> 00:26:13,602
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
498
00:26:13,603 --> 00:26:16,562
Darling, I don't think we came in
this way.
499
00:26:16,563 --> 00:26:17,923
We came out of these doors.
500
00:26:30,523 --> 00:26:32,002
It's empty.
501
00:26:32,003 --> 00:26:34,803
That's because no-one could
get tickets, isn't it, darling?
502
00:26:37,163 --> 00:26:39,323
Wow!
503
00:27:01,843 --> 00:27:03,922
I actually want to stay!
504
00:27:03,923 --> 00:27:05,322
That's fine, thank you.
505
00:27:05,323 --> 00:27:10,202
You're discouraging me
from taking up sport.
506
00:27:10,203 --> 00:27:12,163
Thank you very much,
thank you very much.
507
00:27:26,323 --> 00:27:29,122
This is nice, dear.
Yes, Gran.
508
00:27:29,123 --> 00:27:31,442
Marshall, we can watch
the opening ceremonies,
509
00:27:31,443 --> 00:27:34,722
but if I see one body part twitch,
I'm tightening the straps.
510
00:27:34,723 --> 00:27:37,002
Leave it, Bo.
511
00:27:37,003 --> 00:27:41,762
Oh, God, what's happening,
what's happening? What's happening?
512
00:27:41,763 --> 00:27:44,002
The opening ceremony
is just about to start.
513
00:27:44,003 --> 00:27:46,042
Oh, Eddy, look. Oh, Eddy, look,
we were there.
514
00:27:46,043 --> 00:27:49,362
That's where we were, the stripey
bit. We were there, darling.
515
00:27:49,363 --> 00:27:51,402
Opening ceremony.
Right, let's take bets.
516
00:27:51,403 --> 00:27:53,283
Elton John at the piano,
Candle in the Wind.
517
00:27:53,284 --> 00:27:55,882
Toupee eight foot above his head.
What's the bet?
518
00:27:55,883 --> 00:28:00,002
Marching band. Brian
Blessed saying something smaaa...
519
00:28:00,003 --> 00:28:03,882
Sad old London buses
and break dancers. Yes, come on.
520
00:28:03,883 --> 00:28:04,963
Gran, what are these?
521
00:28:04,964 --> 00:28:07,562
Oh, they're the tickets, dear.
522
00:28:07,563 --> 00:28:11,282
But I don't really see why anyone
would want to actually be there
523
00:28:11,283 --> 00:28:15,002
when they can watch it in comfort
on the good old Auntie Beeb.
524
00:28:15,003 --> 00:28:17,522
Yes, and there's Clare Balding.
525
00:28:17,523 --> 00:28:19,763
Is she dear? Oh!
526
00:28:39,228 --> 00:28:43,563
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