- Holly Franklin's office. Please hold.
Holly Franklin's office. Please hold.
Holly Franklin's office.
No, Eden's not here. Ripped By mstoll
What am I wearing?
Freak.
[Both laughing]
- Hi, hi.
Oh, pfft! Look at you at my desk.
Hold my calls and get me a latte!
- You know what's funny after you take a three-hour lunch?
Nothing.
- Holly, it's all my fault.
I'm just so grateful to Eden for carrying this baby
for me and Jonathan,
I can't help spoiling her with gifts.
- Oh, I kept telling her, please, no more presents.
I really need to get back to work.
[Both laugh]
- Joan, you keep her out as long as you want.
And don't think I'm just saying that
because you're the boss's wife.
I mean, it's true.
But don't think it.
[Laughs loudly]
Nothin'?
- Holly, I really am sorry.
I promise to keep the lunches shorter.
- It's nothing, I'm just so happy for you and Jonathan.
- I can't believe I'm finally gonna be a mother.
It scares me to think it almost didn't happen.
Get on a career path and you think you have
all the time in the world, but you don't.
- I don't?
- No, no, no, no, no.
When I said you, I meant me. - Aha.
- I'm sure you have a billion eggs
and a happy, healthy uterus.
Don't mind me.
I had two drinks at lunch.
- Sorry I was late, but it was worth it.
Check out this vintage watch Joan got me.
[Giggles] Can you hear it ticking?
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
- Stop it!
- What's the matter with you?
- Joan freaked me out about waiting too long to have a baby.
Luckily she's a little older than I am,
so I've got some time, heh.
- Actually, Joan's two years younger than you.
And that's using your "wink-wink" age.
- Really? My "wink-wink"?
Oh, my...
- Where are you going?
- To my gyno to see how happy my uterus is.
- ♪♪ We lost our homes ♪♪
♪♪ We lost our wives ♪♪
♪♪ Three strangers ♪♪
♪♪ What we gonna do ♪♪
♪♪ Our divorce lawyer said ♪♪
♪♪ She'd put a roof over our head ♪♪
♪♪ Yeah, she came to our rescue ♪♪
♪♪ She's where we go when our hearts are broken ♪♪
♪♪ Where we turn when we finally learn ♪♪
♪♪ We lost the battle of the sexes ♪♪
♪♪ Just call us the exes ♪♪
- Pow! - Ohh!
- That's what you get!
- Guys, I have something important to tell you.
- Well, can't it wait till the inning's over?
- I'm gonna have a baby.
- Oh, my god. - That's huge.
- You idiot!
Who swings at that?
- Holly, you're pregnant?
- No. - Dating someone?
- No, no. - Having sex?
- No.
- Do you know how babies work?
- After meeting with my doctor, I know way too much.
Turns out I'm dropping eggs like a drunken easter bunny.
- Holly, I didn't realize you wanted kids so bad.
- Yeah. I always planned on it,
but that dream went belly up when my ex-fiance
went belly down on a waitress.
- His loss and for what it's worth,
I think you'd make a great mom.
- Give it up. Nobody's gonna hit that.
Okay, I'll turn it off.
- Well, Holly, sounds like all
you have to do now is find Mr. Right
- I don't have time for Mr. Right.
I need sperm, and I need it now.
All: Whoa, whoa.
- Not you guys.
I got calls out to ex-boyfriends,
but so far, all I've heard are excuses.
I don't get it... in college, guys were slinging it around.
- Well, listen, maybe we can help.
I mean, it's hard for a woman to ask for a man's sperm,
but it's easier for a guy. - Ugh.
- That came out wrong, what I meant was
we've got friends and we've got
a better chance of getting
the sperm out of 'em. - Ugh.
- Okay, someone else speak.
- I think what he's trying to say is between the three of us,
we could find someone and get you knocked up in no time.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Consider it done.
You're looking at a man who has a nose for semen.
- I'm glad we're finding a donor for Holly
after all she's done for us.
- I know... oh, my guy's gonna be here any minute.
I've known him since dental school.
He's tall, charming, handsome.
My heart is racing.
For Holly.
- Well, that's one way to go.
I went for the creative type.
My guy has written a 10,000 page science fiction novel,
and he's just looking for the right publisher.
- What's he doing when he's not looking?
- He's a dancing sandwich.
- Okay, well, with all due respect to your dentist
and to your sandwich, I got the guy.
Warren Bannister.
High school valedictorian, full-blown nerd.
I saved him from bullies, he saved me from summer school.
- Oh, oh, oh... there's Brett.
- Stuart. - Brett, hey, hey... how are you?
- Man, it's great to see you.
What have you been up to?
- Well, not to brag, but, uh, got myself
a sweet little practice in midtown.
Just added a third chair.
- I envy you, keeping things small and simple.
I had to go get all ambitious.
- You own Smile Guys?
They've got, like, 50 offices.
- 65.
We're in China now.
- What? You drank your way through dental school.
- Ironic, isn't it?
Look, Stuart, I think I know why you called,
and maybe I can help.
How would you feel about relocating
to a strip mall in Shanghai?
- No, I didn't call you about a job.
- [Mocking] Yeah. I know.
Three chairs. Woo hoo.
- Okay, look, you insufferable twit.
I don't want a job, I want your sperm.
- Whoa, didn't see that coming.
You know, I'm a married man.
I don't fool around with guys.
In this country.
- Phil Chase?
- Warren Bannister.
- Wow, Warren, is that you in there, dude?!
Wow, man!
You look like the guy who ate the guy who ate Warren.
- Thanks.
Pretty great, huh? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Nobody's pushing me around anymore.
Hey!
I need a beer over here!
- Wow.
Warren, you, uh, you seem a little irritable.
How'd you bulk up?
Steroids, hormones?
Gamma rays?
- I'm takin' a supplement or two.
- Oh, well, these supplements, do they have any side effects
like the inability to sleep or mood swings or...
is your ding-ding shootin' blanks?
- Hey, who needs kids when you're raising guns like these?
Oh, look at the time.
Gotta get back to the geek squad.
- Oh, wow, you're still working with computers.
- Why wouldn't I be?
- I don't know...
- It was great seeing you, Phil.
- [Yelps]
Well, we can scratch Warren off the list.
How'd it go with your dentist friend?
- Well, we won't get any sperm from him...
in this country.
- What's the matter?
- My dancing sandwich isn't gonna make it.
He got run over by a wienermobile.
They're calling it a hate crime.
- Why do these women keep giving me the stink eye?
- Why do you think?
You're a pregnant woman in a sperm bank.
It does look a bit greedy.
- Too bad the guys couldn't find you anyone.
But J26809 seems promising.
- Yeah, brown hair, green eyes,
six-foot-four, has a doctorate.
I mean, where are these dreamboats in the real world?
- Apparently, locked in a room with a cup.
- This is ridiculous.
I can't pick a donor without seeing pictures.
Hi, could I talk to you for a second?
Mildred... Mildred?
Well that's a pretty name.
- Hate it.
So what can I do for you?
- Well, I understand the donors are anonymous,
but, woman to woman, I don't wanna get stuck with an "ug."
- You're gonna make a great mom.
- That is so sweet.
So, any chance I could take
a little peeky-poo at, say, J26809?
- Sorry, we have a no peeky-poo policy.
- Well, come on, how can I have a baby with somebody
if I don't know what they look like?
- A lot of women feel that way.
- Well, what do they do?
- They get boyfriends.
- Thank you.
You've been very kind, very helpful.
- So how'd it go?
- Bitch said no.
Ooh, shiver me timbers.
Oh, I wouldn't kick his dixie cup out of bed.
All right, I'm gonna go straight to the source.
You go distract giggles over there.
- Uh, so, Mil... Mildred?
- What's your story?
- I got some sperm here about six months ago.
What is your return policy?
- Look, Kent, um, I'm a caring person
and a very successful attorney.
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
I can give whatever you're about to put in that cup
a real good home.
- I don't know, I, uh, I don't think it works this way.
- Oh, come on, fill 'er up, hmm?
And if you think of me while you do it,
it'd be a nice story for the baby.
- I'm gonna need you to leave.
- Oh, no, we're just chatting.
Oh, uh, Holly Franklin.
I'm on facebook. Friend me!
- How'd it go?
- Well, the man bank was a total bust.
- You struck out at a sperm bank?
I would have thought that was a sure thing.
- Anyway, I realized that that's not how
I want to have a baby anyway.
It's all so anonymous and sterile.
- Well, listen, don't get discouraged, okay?
You just started this process. - Yeah. What's next?
- Oh, I don't know.
Maybe having a baby isn't in the cards for me.
You know what, I kinda feel like being alone.
[Door shuts]
- I really hate seeing Holly like this.
- Yeah, me too.
Wish there was something we could do.
- Well, there is.
Let's face it, the answer to her donor problem
is right here in this apartment.
Time for me to step up, boys.
- You? Why... why you?
It's pretty obvious there's a stronger candidate
in the room.
- Thank you, Phil.
- Not you, Haskell.
I was clearly talking about myself.
- When aren't you? - Oh!
You're being judgmental.
That's a color I haven't seen on you before.
- Oh, well, you'll see a lot of colors
you keep talking like that. - Oh, really?
What, you gonna make me black and blue?
- Enough!
This is tearing us apart.
- He's right.
Besides, Holly made it pretty clear
she doesn't want that from us.
I think we should respect her. - Agreed.
Let us sheath our swords and speak of this no more.
- Thanks for meeting me. - Well, sure. What's up?
- Your search for your donor is over.
- You found someone?
- Not just anyone, the perfect one.
- What's his name? - It's me!
- He's Korean?
- No, Holly, it's me, Phil... I'm your guy.
- Phil... you?
- Let's face it, nothing beats the chocolate and vanilla swirl.
Barack Obama, Halle Berry...
- Mm-hmm. - The mocha mcflurry.
- Well... oh, god, this...
you are so sweet to offer, Phil,
but doing this with a friend is a huge decision.
- Absolutely. Take your time.
- Okay.
- One little thing...
let's not mention this to the other guys.
Yeah, when the baby comes, they'll know whose it is.
- [Strained whisper] Psst! Holly!
- Oh... what's going on?
- Come on in. Come on.
- Why are you whispering? - I will tell you inside.
- What's up? - Holly, listen... sit, sit.
I've given it a lot of thought. - Uh-huh.
- And I don't want you to give up on your dream.
Holly, let me be your baby daddy.
- Seriously?
- Yeah, no... I know you're surprised.
I know. But consider this.
I'm thoughtful, right? Dependable,
solid, consistent, and yet, in my own madcap way,
fun.
And the best part is
I will be there every waking hour
changing diapers, washing your nursing bras...
- Uh, no, Stu... no, Stu.
I hadn't pictured the donor being quite that involved.
- Well, sure, but that was before the donor was me.
- Oh. - Yep.
With my seed, you also get the gardener.
- Thank you so much, Stuart.
I promise to give this serious consideration.
- Excellent.
And, Holly, no need to mention this
to the other guys... I will take care of that
and everythlng else because... - Right.
- Seed. Gardener.
Got it.
- [Gasps]
- Surprise.
- What, that you're in my apartment
or that you're wearing my kimono?
- Yes.
And... yes.
- Haskell, I think I know why you're here.
- All righty then. Kimono off.
- No!
- Tighten that robe.
Look, honey,
when I was talking about donation,
this wasn't exactly the method I had in mind.
- Well, let's not get hung up on the delivery system.
Let me show you the many fine features
that you could enjoy
as the proud owner of a Lutz.
- Okay...
- I present the Lutz family tree.
Gertrude Lutz,
my great grandmother.
Ignore the mole.
She may look like jerky with a face,
but that good woman
is 103 years old.
So longevity is part of the package
I like to call the deluxe Lutz,
or... the DeLutz.
- Hey, you know, Holly, I was... oh, hell, no.
- Hey, were you... ohh, cheese and crackers,
what is going on here?
- I might ask you the same question.
- A man in a shorty kimono can't ask questions, Haskell.
- All right, look, it's clear we're here
for the same reasons.
- You guys... I'm really touched.
I have three great choices.
It's a huge decision.
I gotta sleep on it.
I'll give you the answer in the morning.
- Okay. - Fair enough.
- Hey, uh, madame butterfly...
if you comin' home with us,
you gotta put your pants back on.
- No way.
I think I found a new look.
- Another "pick me" gift just came.
This one's from Haskell.
I'll put it with the baby booties from Stuart
and black-and-white cookie from Phil.
- Ew, "refrigerate after opening."
You don't think Haskell...
- Ohh. - It's champagne.
- Thank god.
- So which one of the guys you gonna pick?
- Oh, I don't know.
I've been wrestling with it all night.
There has to be an intelligent way to make this decision.
Help me. - Ugh, right?
Well, given the gravity of the situation,
it seems to me this is exactly
what "eenie meanie miney moe" was created for.
- Knock-knock.
- Thought we'd come and steal Eden away for lunch.
Hope you don't mind. - Oh, not at all, heh.
- Yeah, I want a lobster as big as me.
[All laugh]
- And for dessert, shopping?
- [Gasps] Yay! Having babies is fun!
- You're not the only one having a good time.
All the planning and shopping for clothes.
Getting the nursery ready.
- It's brought us even closer.
We haven't been this happy since the day we were married.
And look at my wife. She's glowing.
- Have you ever seen two people more in love?
- No, I haven't.
- Well, enough standing around. Let's go buy me things!
- Oh!
Hi, guys.
- Holly, have you made your decision?
- Yes, I have.
- Holly, I think I speak for the three of us
when I say, no matter who you pick,
we'll all support you.
- Haskell, Haskell, Haskell.
- Look, every day I spend with you guys
you remind me why
you're the most important men in my life.
Which is what makes this so difficult.
Haskell... - [giggles nervously]
- You're smart, funny,
and your family tree was strangely appealing.
- Sorry, boys.
- But I can't pick you.
- I should have worn a shorter kimono.
[Laughter]
- Stuart...
- [sighs] - [Chuckles softly]
- You are the sweetest, kindest,
most compassionate man. - Oh, crap.
- Holly, I am humbled by this,
and, uh, you know,
with all due respect to my fellow competitors...
♪♪ I'm the one that Holly picked ♪♪
♪♪ Holly picked ♪♪ - No, you're not.
- Say what?
- Listen, Phil...
you're an amazing guy, and whenever I'm with you,
something exciting and unexpected happens.
But... I can't choose you either.
- Well, then, who's it gonna be?
- No one.
See, when I saw my boss
and his wife together today,
I realized I'm not ready to give up on love yet.
I don't just want a baby.
I want it all.
- But I thought your clock was ticking.
- Oh, it is.
So I'll freeze some eggs until the right guy come along.
But... the important thing is,
I just want you guys to know how much I love you
for stepping up and genuinely being there for me.
- Ah, any time. - Of course.
[Knock on door] - Excuse me.
- Uncle Haskell, I just came by to tell you
I got into M.I.T.
And I qualified for the olympic swim team.
- You're late, and you're not getting paid.
- Yeah. Ripped By mstoll