1
00:00:41,710 --> 00:00:42,943
( horn honking )
2
00:00:50,199 --> 00:00:52,453
( Louie ) It's very different
raising children in America.
3
00:00:52,521 --> 00:00:54,255
We get to make all
these weird decisions about
4
00:00:54,323 --> 00:00:56,758
what do we expose our kids
to when.
5
00:00:56,825 --> 00:00:59,594
Other countries,
they don't have a choice.
6
00:00:59,662 --> 00:01:03,132
Like, some parents at my kids'
school were talking about war
7
00:01:03,199 --> 00:01:04,567
and they're, like, "When do
we tell our kid--
8
00:01:04,634 --> 00:01:06,837
"Do we tell our children
that our country is at war
9
00:01:06,904 --> 00:01:08,572
"in Afghanistan
and these places?
10
00:01:08,639 --> 00:01:11,241
When do we introduce this i--"
11
00:01:11,309 --> 00:01:13,878
Only in America,
we have this luxury,
12
00:01:13,946 --> 00:01:17,148
we get to decide when
they find out
13
00:01:17,216 --> 00:01:18,483
that there is--
14
00:01:18,551 --> 00:01:21,053
Kids in Afghanistan
don't have-- just--
15
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:22,154
They find out.
16
00:01:22,222 --> 00:01:23,889
They find out.
17
00:01:23,957 --> 00:01:23,989
They find out when they ask,
18
00:01:25,325 --> 00:01:29,327
"How come Uncle Henry's head
is gone now?
19
00:01:29,395 --> 00:01:31,196
"How come that happened?
20
00:01:31,264 --> 00:01:32,997
Oh, 'cause of the war."
21
00:01:36,736 --> 00:01:38,036
Life can be stressful here,
though,
22
00:01:38,104 --> 00:01:40,572
'cause life is good
and so we want it to be better
23
00:01:40,639 --> 00:01:43,107
and we get-- we try to perfect
everything in our lives
24
00:01:43,175 --> 00:01:44,642
and it's like a job.
25
00:01:44,710 --> 00:01:47,712
Being a consumer is like a job.
26
00:01:47,780 --> 00:01:51,583
You have to make sure
you get the best one.
27
00:01:51,651 --> 00:01:55,253
If you get a Blu-ray player,
you gotta do research.
28
00:01:55,321 --> 00:02:00,225
You gotta look at
reviews of a player.
29
00:02:00,293 --> 00:02:04,730
You gotta go on Amazon and read
a really long review
30
00:02:04,798 --> 00:02:09,435
written by an insane person
31
00:02:09,503 --> 00:02:11,570
who's been dead for months...
32
00:02:11,638 --> 00:02:15,107
( audience laughing )
33
00:02:15,175 --> 00:02:17,276
...because he shot
his wife
34
00:02:17,344 --> 00:02:19,979
and then himself
35
00:02:20,047 --> 00:02:23,749
after explaining to you
36
00:02:23,817 --> 00:02:26,218
that the remote is
counterintuitive.
37
00:02:26,286 --> 00:02:28,221
( audience laughing )
38
00:02:28,289 --> 00:02:31,091
"It's got really small buttons
on the remote,"
39
00:02:31,158 --> 00:02:32,659
he said...
40
00:02:32,727 --> 00:02:36,263
before he murder-suicided
his whole family.
41
00:02:36,331 --> 00:02:37,465
And now you're
reading it and going,
44
00:02:43,305 --> 00:02:44,472
I gotta get the best one."
45
00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:45,574
Why?
46
00:02:45,641 --> 00:02:47,376
Who are you, the king of Siam,
47
00:02:47,443 --> 00:02:50,980
that you should get
the best one ever?
48
00:02:51,047 --> 00:02:52,949
"I'm-- Bring me
the best DV..."
49
00:02:53,016 --> 00:02:54,316
Who cares?
50
00:02:56,353 --> 00:02:58,154
They're all the same,
these machines.
51
00:02:58,222 --> 00:03:00,657
They're all made from
the same Asian suffering.
52
00:03:00,725 --> 00:03:02,158
There's no difference.
53
00:03:05,162 --> 00:03:06,463
That was a good set.
54
00:03:06,530 --> 00:03:07,564
I guess, I don't...
55
00:03:07,632 --> 00:03:08,899
( man )
...a round of applause...
56
00:03:08,966 --> 00:03:09,766
Hey, Ross. Hey, how's
it going, guys?
57
00:03:09,834 --> 00:03:11,167
Hey.
58
00:03:11,235 --> 00:03:13,169
This is my agent, Doug.
Hey, how's it going?
59
00:03:13,237 --> 00:03:14,738
Hey, Louie, great job.
60
00:03:14,805 --> 00:03:16,239
Thank you.
It was great.
61
00:03:16,307 --> 00:03:17,407
The order is terrific.
62
00:03:17,475 --> 00:03:18,775
I mean, the closing bit,
63
00:03:18,843 --> 00:03:20,210
Jay's gonna love
tomorrow night on the ow.
64
00:03:20,278 --> 00:03:21,945
Oh, good.
It was just terrific.
65
00:03:22,013 --> 00:03:24,080
I'm sorry-- Louie, great set, great set.
Hey, Bud, how are you?
66
00:03:24,148 --> 00:03:25,782
Thank you very much, thank you.
67
00:03:25,850 --> 00:03:27,684
Um, but the great thing
is, also, it timed in at
68
00:03:27,752 --> 00:03:29,786
four minutes and 30 seconds,
which is the perfect
69
00:03:29,854 --> 00:03:31,354
amount of--perfect amount of time.
Good.
70
00:03:31,422 --> 00:03:32,255
I mean, with the audience
reaction and everything else,
71
00:03:32,323 --> 00:03:34,190
it's just, for our studio,
72
00:03:34,258 --> 00:03:35,792
it's gonna be the time that we're looking for.
That's great.
73
00:03:35,860 --> 00:03:36,826
Good, good, good.
So...
74
00:03:36,894 --> 00:03:38,662
Is Louie gonna
interview on panel?
75
00:03:38,729 --> 00:03:40,597
Tomorrow night,
Tom Cruise is the other guest
76
00:03:40,664 --> 00:03:43,132
and Tom loves to go long,
tells great stories
77
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,401
and Jay's surprising him
tomorrow with a motorcycle.
78
00:03:45,469 --> 00:03:46,569
I'm gonna get bumped, right?
79
00:03:46,636 --> 00:03:48,103
You're not gonna
get bumped, Louie.
80
00:03:48,171 --> 00:03:49,104
You're not going to get bumped.
81
00:03:49,172 --> 00:03:50,405
Sounds like I'm--
Nah.
82
00:03:50,473 --> 00:03:51,540
You know what, I'll--
I'll see you tomorrow night.
83
00:03:51,608 --> 00:03:52,774
But thank you.
84
00:03:52,842 --> 00:03:54,409
Thanks, guys,
I'll see you tomorrow.
85
00:03:54,477 --> 00:03:56,111
Okay, thanks, Ross, thanks for coming.
Okay, okay.
86
00:03:56,179 --> 00:03:57,046
Okay, good.
Okay.
87
00:03:58,748 --> 00:04:00,149
I'm totally getting bumped.
Yeah.
88
00:04:00,217 --> 00:04:01,450
I'm getting--
Sounds like--
89
00:04:01,518 --> 00:04:02,418
It's like they brought me
here to bump me,
90
00:04:02,486 --> 00:04:04,187
all the way...
91
00:04:04,254 --> 00:04:06,389
Getting bumped is not that bad, Louie.
How is it not that bad?
92
00:04:06,456 --> 00:04:07,690
'Cause they advertise
your name,
93
00:04:07,758 --> 00:04:09,759
you still get paid
and then they have you back on.
94
00:04:09,827 --> 00:04:11,228
Just...
95
00:04:11,295 --> 00:04:13,030
Okay, thank you, thanks, Doug.
96
00:04:20,672 --> 00:04:22,173
Amazing, this face work.
97
00:04:22,241 --> 00:04:23,174
Look at this.
98
00:04:23,242 --> 00:04:25,442
Look at "before"...
99
00:04:25,510 --> 00:04:26,577
and look at "after."
100
00:04:26,644 --> 00:04:27,945
Boy, just, you know, I think...
101
00:04:29,814 --> 00:04:32,749
You know the real trick here?
102
00:04:32,816 --> 00:04:35,184
I think the real trick here
is, don't be pissed off.
103
00:04:35,252 --> 00:04:37,253
You look better.
( sighing )
104
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:38,987
( knocking )
105
00:04:39,055 --> 00:04:40,522
I'm here to mic you.
( Louie ) Sure.
106
00:04:40,590 --> 00:04:42,657
Just turn around for me.
Oh, sorry.
107
00:04:42,725 --> 00:04:45,460
( Jay ) Some of that
delicious Velveeta juice.
108
00:04:45,527 --> 00:04:46,795
Yeah!
109
00:04:46,862 --> 00:04:48,664
Folks, we'll be right back
with Tom Cruise
110
00:04:48,731 --> 00:04:50,266
right after this.
111
00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:52,101
( cheers and applause )
112
00:04:55,238 --> 00:04:57,373
Okay, where's your jacket?
113
00:04:57,441 --> 00:04:59,275
I don't have--
This is what I'm wearing.
114
00:04:59,343 --> 00:05:00,409
Oh.
115
00:05:00,477 --> 00:05:01,510
You're all set then.
Okay.
116
00:05:06,750 --> 00:05:08,184
Hey, what's going on?
117
00:05:08,251 --> 00:05:09,118
I got some really bad news.
118
00:05:09,186 --> 00:05:10,319
You're bumping me.
119
00:05:10,387 --> 00:05:11,787
Shit, I knew this.
120
00:05:11,855 --> 00:05:13,856
No, not exactly, I'm not bumping you.
You're not?
121
00:05:13,924 --> 00:05:15,224
What's--
122
00:05:15,292 --> 00:05:16,792
Ross, you tell him?
I haven't told him yet.
123
00:05:16,860 --> 00:05:18,828
Louie, are you ready?
124
00:05:18,895 --> 00:05:21,731
Tom Cruise
is not coming tonight.
125
00:05:21,798 --> 00:05:23,199
What do you mean, he's not coming?
So... No, he's not coming.
126
00:05:23,267 --> 00:05:24,634
He hates surprises
127
00:05:24,702 --> 00:05:26,502
and the whole motorcycle
thing, he just-- he just--
128
00:05:26,570 --> 00:05:27,670
It doesn't matter
why he canceled,
129
00:05:27,738 --> 00:05:29,139
he's not coming, okay?
130
00:05:29,207 --> 00:05:30,574
He's not here, you are.
131
00:05:30,641 --> 00:05:32,075
You're on lead guest, okay?
132
00:05:32,143 --> 00:05:33,210
We need you to lead off
the show.
133
00:05:33,278 --> 00:05:34,645
Now?
Yes, now.
134
00:05:34,712 --> 00:05:36,614
Okay.
I can do some questions for him.
135
00:05:38,316 --> 00:05:39,750
You're a comic, you know how to talk.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
136
00:05:39,818 --> 00:05:41,219
All right, here's your chance, all right.
All right.
137
00:05:41,286 --> 00:05:42,387
You ever flown on an airplane?
Yeah, sure.
138
00:05:42,454 --> 00:05:43,888
You got airplane stories?
I can do a--
139
00:05:45,157 --> 00:05:46,590
You all right, you good?
Yeah, I'm ready.
140
00:05:46,658 --> 00:05:48,059
All right, good,
see you out there.
141
00:05:48,126 --> 00:05:49,026
Okay, thanks.
Come on, let's go, let's go.
142
00:05:49,094 --> 00:05:50,295
You're on!
Okay, okay, okay.
143
00:05:50,362 --> 00:05:51,463
Right now? Okay, all right.
Yeah, now!
144
00:05:57,536 --> 00:05:59,304
Hey, everybody, welcome back.
145
00:05:59,371 --> 00:06:02,240
Now, folks, as I...
146
00:06:02,308 --> 00:06:05,043
as I told you, we had Tom Cruise
booked on the show tonight,
147
00:06:05,111 --> 00:06:06,511
but...
148
00:06:06,579 --> 00:06:07,579
( cheers and applause )
149
00:06:07,647 --> 00:06:08,813
Well-- Yes, yes.
150
00:06:08,881 --> 00:06:12,317
Well... this is...
151
00:06:12,385 --> 00:06:13,785
this is live television
152
00:06:13,853 --> 00:06:16,421
and sometimes things
happen in live television,
153
00:06:16,489 --> 00:06:19,791
and... Tom Cruise
is not here.
154
00:06:19,859 --> 00:06:24,329
( crowd booing )
155
00:06:24,397 --> 00:06:26,164
All right, all right,
I don't know why.
156
00:06:26,232 --> 00:06:27,398
Okay, Louie, listen,
157
00:06:27,466 --> 00:06:29,301
you're going immediately
to your right, okay?
158
00:06:29,368 --> 00:06:30,535
And as soon
as you get to your right,
159
00:06:30,603 --> 00:06:31,536
Jay will greet you, got it?
160
00:06:31,604 --> 00:06:32,771
Okay.
Are you listening to me?
161
00:06:32,838 --> 00:06:34,305
. get here--
I don't know what it was.
162
00:06:34,373 --> 00:06:37,742
Anyway, we have to do a show
and I already did my jokes,
163
00:06:37,810 --> 00:06:39,444
so what I'm gonna do
is bring out the comic
164
00:06:39,511 --> 00:06:40,378
who was gonna close the show
tonight.
165
00:06:40,445 --> 00:06:42,046
We're gonna give him a shot,
166
00:06:42,113 --> 00:06:43,714
he's gonna be my very first
guest tonight.
167
00:06:43,782 --> 00:06:45,049
He's a very funny man,
168
00:06:45,116 --> 00:06:46,450
he'll be at
the Comedy Cellar in New York.
169
00:06:46,518 --> 00:06:48,051
Go out there and go get 'em.
170
00:06:48,119 --> 00:06:49,319
Okay?
( coughing )
171
00:06:49,387 --> 00:06:50,153
( Jay )
Louie C.K., Louie!
172
00:06:50,221 --> 00:06:51,688
Don't swear!
173
00:06:51,756 --> 00:06:54,624
( cheers and applause )
174
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:58,760
Good to see you.
Hey, how are you?
175
00:06:59,463 --> 00:07:02,248
Have a seat.
Uh... thanks.
176
00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:12,901
( cell phone ringing )
177
00:07:17,874 --> 00:07:20,109
( phone continues ringing )
178
00:07:23,513 --> 00:07:29,685
( multiple phones ringing )
179
00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:40,496
Hello?
( cell phone ringing )
180
00:07:40,563 --> 00:07:42,631
( woman )
Sir, this is housekeeping.
181
00:07:42,699 --> 00:07:44,133
What?
182
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:46,035
You have a "do not disturb"
sign on your door.
183
00:07:46,102 --> 00:07:47,436
When do you want us
to clean your room?
184
00:07:49,255 --> 00:07:51,308
I have a "do not disturb"
sign on the door,
185
00:07:51,375 --> 00:07:52,272
that's the answer.
186
00:07:52,399 --> 00:07:54,167
Just don't do this to me.
187
00:07:54,235 --> 00:07:57,037
When do you want us to clean?
188
00:07:57,105 --> 00:08:00,608
What's the point of the sign
if you don't...
189
00:08:00,675 --> 00:08:02,043
What...
190
00:08:02,110 --> 00:08:05,280
This is the opposite
of what it says.
191
00:08:05,347 --> 00:08:06,748
You understand that?
192
00:08:06,816 --> 00:08:08,083
When do you want us to clean?
193
00:08:08,150 --> 00:08:10,585
Just don't ever clean it
here ever again.
194
00:08:10,653 --> 00:08:11,486
I don't know.
195
00:08:13,523 --> 00:08:14,356
Oh...
196
00:08:17,093 --> 00:08:18,560
Shit on a dick.
197
00:08:36,548 --> 00:08:37,448
( sighing )
198
00:08:40,351 --> 00:08:42,219
( groaning )
199
00:08:45,357 --> 00:08:47,191
Oh... shit.
200
00:08:49,260 --> 00:08:50,227
Bitch.
201
00:08:55,300 --> 00:08:56,400
( burping )
202
00:09:04,643 --> 00:09:05,577
Damn.
203
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:09,347
Wow.
204
00:09:09,415 --> 00:09:10,349
What the hell?
205
00:09:15,822 --> 00:09:17,556
( cell phone ringing )
206
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:22,261
Hey, Doug.
207
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:24,029
Louie, Jesus, I've been
trying to reach you.
208
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:27,165
What-- what is this--
What's wrong?
209
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:29,468
Did you see that
you went viral today?
210
00:09:29,535 --> 00:09:30,502
I'm what?
211
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,337
Your set from last night, it...
212
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,105
You got a million
hits already online.
213
00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:36,341
It was huge.
Wow.
214
00:09:36,408 --> 00:09:38,876
Listen, you have a meeting
CBS in one hour.
215
00:09:38,944 --> 00:09:40,712
I have-- What?
At a what?
216
00:09:40,779 --> 00:09:42,013
The who?
What?
217
00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:43,915
You have a meeting at
CBS in one hour.
218
00:09:45,551 --> 00:09:46,684
Doug, I didn't tell you
219
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:48,653
to set any meetings
for me today.
220
00:09:48,721 --> 00:09:49,621
What the hell is this about?
221
00:09:49,688 --> 00:09:51,489
I don't know, they called me.
222
00:09:51,557 --> 00:09:53,791
You have a meeting with
the chairman, president,
223
00:09:53,859 --> 00:09:55,793
whatever, of CBS in one hour.
224
00:09:55,861 --> 00:09:58,229
Please, get up,
get dressed and meet me there.
225
00:09:58,297 --> 00:09:59,597
They're sending a car for you.
226
00:09:59,665 --> 00:10:00,899
Okay, I got it.
227
00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:07,072
( cell phone beeping ) Shit.
228
00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:15,247
It's not even time to
jerk off, for Christ's sakes.
229
00:10:25,808 --> 00:10:26,641
Who are we here to see?
230
00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:28,409
Do you have any idea?
231
00:10:28,477 --> 00:10:30,544
They didn't tell you the name of the guy?
I don't know, no.
232
00:10:30,612 --> 00:10:32,618
You didn't find out who we're--
No, I have no idea.
233
00:10:39,221 --> 00:10:40,388
Excuse me,
can you please tell us
234
00:10:40,455 --> 00:10:41,556
who we're here to see?
235
00:10:50,166 --> 00:10:51,099
( phone beeping )
236
00:10:52,635 --> 00:10:54,469
Hello?
237
00:10:54,537 --> 00:10:56,471
Thank you, I'll tell him.
238
00:10:56,538 --> 00:10:57,905
You can go in now.
239
00:11:06,647 --> 00:11:09,048
Louie.
240
00:11:09,116 --> 00:11:10,650
Come in.
241
00:11:10,717 --> 00:11:12,251
Hi.
242
00:11:12,319 --> 00:11:13,886
Sit down, sit down.
243
00:11:19,426 --> 00:11:20,926
So...
244
00:11:20,994 --> 00:11:22,295
you know who I am?
245
00:11:22,362 --> 00:11:25,298
Yes, I-- yeah, I do.
246
00:11:25,366 --> 00:11:27,500
Oh, this is my agent, Doug.
It's an honor to meet--
247
00:11:27,568 --> 00:11:30,337
You're in from New York.
248
00:11:30,405 --> 00:11:32,139
Yeah.
249
00:11:32,207 --> 00:11:33,440
Have you been there?
250
00:11:33,508 --> 00:11:35,175
I'm from the Bronx.
251
00:11:35,243 --> 00:11:37,410
Oh, yeah, the Bronx?
252
00:11:37,478 --> 00:11:39,946
I-- I-- I haven't spent--
I haven't spent much--
253
00:11:40,014 --> 00:11:41,448
Whatever.
254
00:11:41,516 --> 00:11:45,485
You were very funny last night
on "The Tonight Show."
255
00:11:45,553 --> 00:11:48,655
Oh, thank you.
Very funny.
256
00:11:48,722 --> 00:11:51,290
Must have been under
a lot of pressure, too.
257
00:11:51,358 --> 00:11:54,160
Yeah, I didn't have much time
to think about it.
258
00:11:54,227 --> 00:11:57,463
What I'm about to tell you,
nobody knows,
259
00:11:57,531 --> 00:12:01,600
but it has the potential
to change your whole life.
260
00:12:01,668 --> 00:12:02,968
Okay.
261
00:12:03,036 --> 00:12:05,037
It's privileged information.
262
00:12:05,104 --> 00:12:07,072
Cannot leave this room.
263
00:12:10,709 --> 00:12:12,543
Send Charlie in, uh, please.
264
00:12:14,513 --> 00:12:17,581
Carnegie Deli.
265
00:12:17,649 --> 00:12:19,850
I used to go there when I was
starting out in New York.
266
00:12:22,386 --> 00:12:24,854
Is that the thing I'm not
supposed to tell anybody?
267
00:12:24,922 --> 00:12:26,422
( chuckling )
268
00:12:26,490 --> 00:12:28,558
No.
269
00:12:28,625 --> 00:12:31,027
This is Charlie
from our legal department.
270
00:12:37,968 --> 00:12:39,135
What is this?
271
00:12:39,203 --> 00:12:40,937
These are confidentiality
agreements.
272
00:12:41,004 --> 00:12:42,538
You're signing
a document that states
273
00:12:42,606 --> 00:12:45,008
if you repeat anything
that is told to you
274
00:12:45,076 --> 00:12:48,378
by the chairman of the
Columbia Broadcasting System,
275
00:12:48,446 --> 00:12:52,616
you will be subject to penalties
and litigation.
276
00:12:52,684 --> 00:12:54,652
Okay.
277
00:12:54,719 --> 00:12:56,086
I don't-- I don't know
if I want to sign this.
278
00:12:56,154 --> 00:12:57,355
Then leave the room!
279
00:13:06,533 --> 00:13:07,533
Thank you.
280
00:13:14,776 --> 00:13:16,009
I'm the chairman.
281
00:13:18,580 --> 00:13:20,747
There won't be somebody else
here next month.
282
00:13:20,815 --> 00:13:22,582
I'll be here.
Yes, sir.
283
00:13:25,453 --> 00:13:27,054
David Letterman is retiring.
284
00:13:28,656 --> 00:13:32,026
This is his last
year on "The Late Show."
285
00:13:32,093 --> 00:13:35,496
David Letterman's been
at CBS for 20 years.
286
00:13:35,563 --> 00:13:37,064
It's over.
287
00:13:37,132 --> 00:13:39,467
I have to replace him.
288
00:13:39,535 --> 00:13:41,268
I brought you here to ask you
289
00:13:41,336 --> 00:13:44,038
if you'd be
interested in the job.
290
00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:55,050
No.
291
00:13:55,117 --> 00:13:57,152
No?
What...
292
00:13:57,219 --> 00:13:58,553
Why not?
293
00:13:58,621 --> 00:14:00,622
Well, that...
294
00:14:00,689 --> 00:14:01,990
I mean, that's crazy.
295
00:14:02,057 --> 00:14:03,491
I'm not that guy.
296
00:14:03,559 --> 00:14:05,527
I'm 44 and I'm--
I mean, he's...
297
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:09,797
You should get Jerry Seinfeld
or somebody, right?
298
00:14:09,865 --> 00:14:12,567
Oh, we're getting
Jerry Seinfeld.
299
00:14:12,635 --> 00:14:14,235
You are?
300
00:14:14,303 --> 00:14:16,604
You misunderstood me, son.
301
00:14:16,672 --> 00:14:18,740
I'm not offering you the job,
302
00:14:18,808 --> 00:14:22,310
I'm asking if you're
interested in it.
303
00:14:22,378 --> 00:14:23,612
Uh...
304
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:26,715
We're negotiating
with Jerry Seinfeld.
305
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:29,351
I'm looking for an option.
306
00:14:29,419 --> 00:14:31,353
An option?
307
00:14:31,421 --> 00:14:33,655
Here, let me lay it out
for you.
308
00:14:33,723 --> 00:14:37,126
Jerry Seinfeld is a slam dunk,
309
00:14:37,194 --> 00:14:42,131
but he's a $12 million
slam dunk at best.
310
00:14:42,199 --> 00:14:44,434
You, I could get for a million,
311
00:14:44,502 --> 00:14:46,570
a little less, maybe.
312
00:14:46,637 --> 00:14:48,472
So.
313
00:14:50,308 --> 00:14:51,575
You're thinking.
314
00:14:51,643 --> 00:14:52,743
I see the wheels turning.
315
00:14:52,811 --> 00:14:54,512
Tell-- tell me, what?
316
00:14:54,580 --> 00:14:56,347
Well, I just never
saw this--
317
00:14:56,415 --> 00:14:58,383
I didn't see this coming.
318
00:14:58,451 --> 00:14:59,551
I don't know--
319
00:14:59,619 --> 00:15:01,253
I don't know how much
you know about me.
320
00:15:01,321 --> 00:15:03,756
I know you're
a working-class standup
321
00:15:03,824 --> 00:15:05,525
from Boston.
322
00:15:05,592 --> 00:15:08,495
You do standup,
you make, maybe,
323
00:15:08,563 --> 00:15:11,698
$80,000 a year on
the club dates,
324
00:15:11,766 --> 00:15:14,368
but you're on
the back nine of your career.
325
00:15:14,436 --> 00:15:17,571
Except for, once in a while,
a special on cable,
326
00:15:17,639 --> 00:15:19,139
I think you--
327
00:15:19,207 --> 00:15:21,041
Five years ago,
you probably peaked
328
00:15:21,109 --> 00:15:22,709
and now you're waiting around
329
00:15:22,777 --> 00:15:25,078
wondering if
something's gonna happen
330
00:15:25,146 --> 00:15:27,480
before it gets embarrassing.
331
00:15:27,548 --> 00:15:29,316
Am I right?
332
00:15:35,656 --> 00:15:37,757
You don't think you can do it.
333
00:15:37,825 --> 00:15:41,627
You think it's over
and you're afraid to try.
334
00:15:41,695 --> 00:15:43,696
I mean, I get it,
that's normal.
335
00:15:43,763 --> 00:15:45,164
I've seen it.
336
00:15:45,232 --> 00:15:48,534
And I've seen it turn around.
337
00:15:48,602 --> 00:15:51,070
Let me offer you a proposal.
338
00:15:51,138 --> 00:15:52,738
You go back to New York.
339
00:15:52,806 --> 00:15:54,139
You get in shape.
340
00:15:54,207 --> 00:15:56,108
You lose about 40 pounds.
341
00:15:56,175 --> 00:15:59,311
I get you with Jackie Dahl,
he's my main city man.
342
00:15:59,379 --> 00:16:02,382
He works with you
and then, in about two months,
343
00:16:02,449 --> 00:16:05,085
we do a test show.
344
00:16:05,152 --> 00:16:06,720
A test show?
345
00:16:06,788 --> 00:16:09,189
Jack'll get you a small studio.
346
00:16:09,257 --> 00:16:11,091
You know, you'll do
a monologue,
347
00:16:11,159 --> 00:16:12,693
you'll do
a couple of interviews
348
00:16:12,761 --> 00:16:15,996
and if the test is good...
349
00:16:16,064 --> 00:16:17,531
I'll put you on the air.
350
00:16:19,234 --> 00:16:21,636
And then if you're a hit,
351
00:16:21,704 --> 00:16:24,272
everybody'll think I'm a genius
352
00:16:24,340 --> 00:16:25,641
and I'll have saved the network
353
00:16:25,708 --> 00:16:29,077
about $12 million.
354
00:16:29,145 --> 00:16:32,047
If America hates you...
355
00:16:32,081 --> 00:16:33,381
no one's gonna blame me.
356
00:16:34,650 --> 00:16:38,053
We'll hire Jerry Seinfeld
to do the show.
357
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,722
No harm, no foul.
358
00:16:40,790 --> 00:16:43,458
But you'll take
the heat on all that.
359
00:16:43,526 --> 00:16:46,127
You're gonna crack your head
on the ceiling
360
00:16:46,195 --> 00:16:47,695
and you're gonna go down,
361
00:16:47,762 --> 00:16:49,096
probably for good.
362
00:16:52,334 --> 00:16:54,535
Look, Louie.
363
00:16:54,603 --> 00:16:56,337
We're talking about
the big game here,
364
00:16:56,405 --> 00:17:00,141
so forgive me
if I use big terms.
365
00:17:00,208 --> 00:17:02,443
Here's the reality.
366
00:17:02,511 --> 00:17:04,812
In ten years, you're
gonna be teaching comedy
367
00:17:04,879 --> 00:17:07,615
at a community college
to support your kids
368
00:17:07,682 --> 00:17:08,816
and falling asleep to
369
00:17:08,884 --> 00:17:13,253
"The Late Show with
Jerry Seinfeld."
370
00:17:13,321 --> 00:17:16,323
You're circling failure...
371
00:17:16,391 --> 00:17:20,294
in a rapidly decaying orbit.
372
00:17:20,361 --> 00:17:23,630
That's the reality,
as we talk now.
373
00:17:23,697 --> 00:17:26,999
But you can change that.
374
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:30,302
It's in your power
to change that.
375
00:17:30,370 --> 00:17:31,637
Yes, you'll have to work hard,
376
00:17:31,704 --> 00:17:33,539
you'll have to do things
you haven't done before
377
00:17:33,606 --> 00:17:35,307
and still...
378
00:17:35,374 --> 00:17:38,109
your chances are very slim.
379
00:17:38,177 --> 00:17:41,747
But you could change it.
380
00:17:41,814 --> 00:17:44,649
I'm gonna ask you one re time.
381
00:17:44,717 --> 00:17:48,386
David Letterman is retiring.
382
00:17:48,454 --> 00:17:49,588
Do you want his job?
383
00:17:58,832 --> 00:18:09,912
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com