1
00:00:01,908 --> 00:00:04,622
Hi sweetie, it's me daddy.
Fun daddy.
2
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:07,132
I mean daddy Dave is fun too,
he's more fun in a
3
00:00:07,172 --> 00:00:10,261
let's go to the library and look at
the maps kind of way.
4
00:00:10,300 --> 00:00:12,677
Anyway, it's about 6 o'clock
5
00:00:12,693 --> 00:00:14,781
and I was thinking once you arrive
6
00:00:14,828 --> 00:00:17,854
this will probably be about the time
that you go nighty night.
7
00:00:17,974 --> 00:00:21,288
And I've always had this dream about
talking to my baby aunt.
8
00:00:22,007 --> 00:00:25,143
So, if you were here,
I would say
9
00:00:25,646 --> 00:00:27,358
***
10
00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:29,925
I pray the Lord
my soul to keep,
11
00:00:29,927 --> 00:00:31,535
but if I die before I wake...
12
00:00:31,574 --> 00:00:33,941
It's probably due to a huge earthquake.
(Laughs)
13
00:00:33,943 --> 00:00:35,693
That is downright
disrespectful.
14
00:00:35,695 --> 00:00:37,811
Bedtime prayers
are a serious thing.
15
00:00:37,813 --> 00:00:38,963
It's your last words to God
16
00:00:38,965 --> 00:00:41,115
before he holds your soul
for the night.
17
00:00:41,117 --> 00:00:42,700
That's what I tell
my goddaughter.
18
00:00:42,702 --> 00:00:43,717
You have a goddaughter?
19
00:00:43,719 --> 00:00:44,752
Why is that so surprising?
20
00:00:44,754 --> 00:00:46,954
I don't know.
You just don't really seem
21
00:00:46,956 --> 00:00:49,290
like the godparent type,
what with all the anger
22
00:00:49,292 --> 00:00:50,874
and the cursing
and the binge drinking.
23
00:00:50,876 --> 00:00:51,959
Well, that's on the outside.
24
00:00:51,961 --> 00:00:53,327
But on the inside,
25
00:00:53,329 --> 00:00:55,796
I have a very evolved
spirituality.
26
00:00:55,798 --> 00:00:57,631
The Jew in the room
has a question.
27
00:00:57,633 --> 00:00:59,633
What exactly is a godparent?
28
00:00:59,635 --> 00:01:01,168
I mean, I've heard of it,
29
00:01:01,170 --> 00:01:02,970
but I don't quite understand
what they do.
30
00:01:02,972 --> 00:01:04,271
It's mostly about rides
to the airport, right?
31
00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:07,174
Oh, no. No, it's the person
who raises your kid
32
00:01:07,176 --> 00:01:08,943
if something really bad
happens to you,
33
00:01:08,945 --> 00:01:10,527
like you die in a car crash
34
00:01:10,529 --> 00:01:11,895
or on the toilet, like Elvis.
35
00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:13,147
No. (Chuckles)
36
00:01:13,149 --> 00:01:14,231
That's a guardian.
37
00:01:14,233 --> 00:01:15,649
A godparent is someone
38
00:01:15,651 --> 00:01:17,568
the child goes to
for spiritual guidance.
39
00:01:17,570 --> 00:01:19,987
Like I do
for my goddaughter, Pam.
40
00:01:19,989 --> 00:01:21,355
Every Sunday after church,
41
00:01:21,357 --> 00:01:23,907
we reflect together
on the minister's sermon.
42
00:01:23,909 --> 00:01:26,660
Miss Rocky,
where do we go when we die?
43
00:01:26,662 --> 00:01:30,030
Oh, baby, that pretty little
soul of yours
44
00:01:30,032 --> 00:01:32,532
will most definitely
go up to the angels.
45
00:01:32,534 --> 00:01:35,302
But your body? It's gonna get
dumped in the ground
46
00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:36,804
and eaten by worms and bugs.
47
00:01:36,806 --> 00:01:38,555
And then someone
will plant veggies,
48
00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:40,040
and they'll grow
from the bug poo.
49
00:01:40,042 --> 00:01:41,759
Now that potato
salad you eating?
50
00:01:41,761 --> 00:01:43,260
It's probably your granddaddy.
51
00:01:43,262 --> 00:01:45,095
Oh...
52
00:01:45,097 --> 00:01:48,349
Come on, baby.
Shake a little hot sauce on him.
53
00:01:48,351 --> 00:01:50,985
It's not a bad idea,
finding godparents.
54
00:01:50,987 --> 00:01:53,437
I have no spiritual advice
to offer.
55
00:01:53,439 --> 00:01:55,155
The only thing
I ever got from the church
56
00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:57,057
was a lifelong complex
about inferior abs.
57
00:01:58,610 --> 00:02:00,027
You stare at Jesus
throughout puberty.
58
00:02:00,029 --> 00:02:01,228
That guy was ripped.
59
00:02:03,331 --> 00:02:05,032
We need to find godparents.
60
00:02:08,036 --> 00:02:09,403
Hello, Goldie. Hi, Shania.
61
00:02:09,405 --> 00:02:10,737
Nicotine gum?
62
00:02:10,739 --> 00:02:13,007
I'm pregnant. I know.
63
00:02:13,009 --> 00:02:15,175
I just always feel obliged to
offer if people see I have some.
64
00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:16,794
Shania? Good for you.
65
00:02:16,796 --> 00:02:18,345
Don't smoke
and don't text and drive.
66
00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:20,514
Hey, who is that
adorable smelly friend
67
00:02:20,516 --> 00:02:21,849
you brought into my office
68
00:02:21,851 --> 00:02:23,550
instead of leaving it
anywhere but here?
69
00:02:23,552 --> 00:02:25,719
His name is Marshmallow.
He's our class Guinea pig.
70
00:02:25,721 --> 00:02:26,920
It's a school project
to teach kids
71
00:02:26,922 --> 00:02:29,089
how to take care
of living things.
72
00:02:29,091 --> 00:02:30,474
It's also a way
to show my class
73
00:02:30,476 --> 00:02:31,925
what our family looks like.
74
00:02:31,927 --> 00:02:33,727
Will you take our picture, Gary?
Oh, yeah.
75
00:02:33,729 --> 00:02:35,145
I'll be happy to.
But don't ever sleep with it.
76
00:02:35,147 --> 00:02:36,313
It'll poop right in your mouth.
77
00:02:36,315 --> 00:02:38,198
Okay, all right.
78
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,200
Get together there.
Don't force it, Goldie.
79
00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:41,201
Here we go.
80
00:02:41,203 --> 00:02:42,870
Say craigslist.
One, two, three!
81
00:02:42,872 --> 00:02:44,538
Both: Craigslist.
82
00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:45,739
Boom. Great.
83
00:02:45,741 --> 00:02:47,908
So, Goldie, we like all
of our surrogates
84
00:02:47,910 --> 00:02:49,410
to pop in for little
mental health pit stops.
85
00:02:49,412 --> 00:02:50,577
How you doing?
86
00:02:50,579 --> 00:02:52,446
Great. Some morning sickness
87
00:02:52,448 --> 00:02:54,164
and a love-hate relationship
with nachos.
88
00:02:54,166 --> 00:02:55,615
(Chuckles) I hear that.
I love 'em, hate 'em.
89
00:02:55,617 --> 00:02:58,335
But Bryan and David
have been amazing.
90
00:02:58,337 --> 00:02:59,837
We've become incredibly close.
91
00:02:59,839 --> 00:03:01,255
I love that you're feeling
connected to them,
92
00:03:01,257 --> 00:03:03,090
I really do, but
let me give you
93
00:03:03,092 --> 00:03:05,592
the 411 on rule number one
of surrogacy 101.
94
00:03:05,594 --> 00:03:07,094
When you deliver David
and Bryan's baby,
95
00:03:07,096 --> 00:03:08,295
your job is complete.
96
00:03:08,297 --> 00:03:10,914
They get their child,
you get your money,
97
00:03:10,916 --> 00:03:12,683
and everybody goes
their separate ways.
98
00:03:12,685 --> 00:03:13,817
Gary, that's not true.
99
00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,602
Bryan and David would
never keep me away
100
00:03:15,604 --> 00:03:17,438
from my baby brother or sister.
101
00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:18,689
Oh, Shania, sweetie,
102
00:03:18,691 --> 00:03:20,140
this baby isn't related to you.
103
00:03:20,142 --> 00:03:22,359
The doctor planted
another lady's egg in me
104
00:03:22,361 --> 00:03:24,027
that was fertilized
with David's sperm.
105
00:03:24,029 --> 00:03:25,913
Mom, this baby's growing
inside you.
106
00:03:25,915 --> 00:03:28,615
It's absorbing all your love
and niceness and yogurt.
107
00:03:28,617 --> 00:03:30,701
Plus, I talk to it
all the time in Spanish.
108
00:03:30,703 --> 00:03:32,086
It knows my voice.
109
00:03:32,088 --> 00:03:34,204
Crecer Grande y fuerte, ninito!
110
00:03:34,206 --> 00:03:36,707
I'm so sorry, sweetie, but
this baby isn't a part of us,
111
00:03:36,709 --> 00:03:38,926
even though it may
feel that way.
112
00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:40,794
I'm just a, a...
113
00:03:40,796 --> 00:03:43,647
A storage unit with legs.
114
00:03:43,649 --> 00:03:45,048
Beautifully said, Goldie.
115
00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:48,969
So do you know
what you're having yet?
116
00:03:48,971 --> 00:03:50,337
A boy, a girl?
117
00:03:50,339 --> 00:03:51,838
I think we're gonna
let gender be a surprise.
118
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:53,507
As long as he or she is healthy
119
00:03:53,509 --> 00:03:55,008
and willing to go
to Laker games with me.
120
00:03:55,010 --> 00:03:57,311
So, with our baby coming,
121
00:03:57,313 --> 00:04:00,314
we have been talking
more and more about spirituality
122
00:04:00,316 --> 00:04:01,565
it got us thinking
123
00:04:01,567 --> 00:04:03,901
about your commitment
ceremony in Ojai,
124
00:04:03,903 --> 00:04:05,319
and how incredibly
moving it was.
125
00:04:05,321 --> 00:04:06,620
And you're one of
the few couples we know
126
00:04:06,622 --> 00:04:08,989
with a true spiritual
conviction.
127
00:04:08,991 --> 00:04:10,657
You know, that
actually practice.
128
00:04:10,659 --> 00:04:12,993
Everyone else we know
just goes to spin class.
129
00:04:12,995 --> 00:04:15,245
So, Tiffany, Victoria,
130
00:04:15,247 --> 00:04:18,081
would you like to be
our child's godparents?
131
00:04:19,867 --> 00:04:21,285
Wow. That's...
132
00:04:21,287 --> 00:04:22,369
Godparents.
133
00:04:22,371 --> 00:04:23,370
We didn't even know
134
00:04:23,372 --> 00:04:24,972
you guys were believers.
135
00:04:24,974 --> 00:04:26,873
Oh, I'm not.
Religion requires faith,
136
00:04:26,875 --> 00:04:28,842
and I'm more
interested in facts.
137
00:04:28,844 --> 00:04:30,644
But, Bryan, you used
to go to church, right?
138
00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:33,380
Yeah, every Sunday, up
until, like, 15 years ago.
139
00:04:33,382 --> 00:04:34,648
And then...
140
00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:36,483
I don't know why
I stopped, exactly.
141
00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:38,018
Might have had something
to do with the fact
142
00:04:38,020 --> 00:04:39,903
that I just wanted to
test the rule about
143
00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:41,522
all-you-can-eat at
the four seasons brunch.
144
00:04:41,524 --> 00:04:43,357
But we still want our baby
145
00:04:43,359 --> 00:04:44,608
to have a strong
spiritual connection,
146
00:04:44,610 --> 00:04:46,860
even if we can't provide it.
147
00:04:46,862 --> 00:04:49,729
Look, it might be hard
for us to be a godparent
148
00:04:49,731 --> 00:04:52,065
to someone else's child when
we can't have one of our own.
149
00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:54,117
Victoria has a dented uterus,
150
00:04:54,119 --> 00:04:56,570
and my eggs are
practically powdered.
151
00:04:56,572 --> 00:04:57,571
Oh, we're so sorry.
152
00:04:57,573 --> 00:04:58,422
It's ironic, too.
153
00:04:58,424 --> 00:05:00,340
We have twice the
baby-making parts.
154
00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:01,959
We're failures
on an exponential level.
155
00:05:01,961 --> 00:05:03,961
Well, I mean,
there's always adoption.
156
00:05:03,963 --> 00:05:05,963
You say that like it's easy.
157
00:05:05,965 --> 00:05:08,515
We have spent the last six
years and all of our money
158
00:05:08,517 --> 00:05:10,417
on a child that
we will never have.
159
00:05:10,419 --> 00:05:11,885
So forgive me if I can't
160
00:05:11,887 --> 00:05:14,555
get it up to raise
somebody else's kid.
161
00:05:14,557 --> 00:05:16,423
You know, or be
a spiritual beacon
162
00:05:16,425 --> 00:05:18,225
for yours when God
has just taken
163
00:05:18,227 --> 00:05:20,027
a divine dump on my dream.
164
00:05:21,563 --> 00:05:26,033
But, you know, super touched
that you guys thought of us.
165
00:05:27,735 --> 00:05:29,403
Angry! Ooh...
166
00:05:29,405 --> 00:05:30,871
Sad. Mm...
167
00:05:30,873 --> 00:05:32,206
Happy. Ee!
168
00:05:32,208 --> 00:05:33,907
Is that good?
169
00:05:33,909 --> 00:05:36,376
Okay, try to convey quirky
confidence because this is
170
00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:37,544
my tribute to Annie Leibovitz.
171
00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:38,962
Is that the little girl
in your class
172
00:05:38,964 --> 00:05:39,963
Nana thinks runs the media?
173
00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:41,948
Let's go see Bryan and David.
174
00:05:41,950 --> 00:05:43,467
They always know
what I'm talking about.
175
00:05:43,469 --> 00:05:44,635
Maybe we should give
the guys a break.
176
00:05:44,637 --> 00:05:46,003
Make it a mom, Shania,
Marshmallow weekend?
177
00:05:46,005 --> 00:05:48,255
If you want me
to fail the assignment.
178
00:05:48,257 --> 00:05:51,058
I'm supposed to take pictures
of Marshmallow with my family,
179
00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:52,559
and that includes Bryan
and David.
180
00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:53,927
I know Bryan and David feel
181
00:05:53,929 --> 00:05:56,563
like an important part
of our lives right now,
182
00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:57,764
but it's like Gary said...
183
00:05:57,766 --> 00:06:00,017
Gary at expanding families?
He's a freak.
184
00:06:00,019 --> 00:06:01,235
When you left the room to pee,
185
00:06:01,237 --> 00:06:02,803
he asked me if I'd call
186
00:06:02,805 --> 00:06:04,321
his ex-boyfriend to see
if another man answered.
187
00:06:04,323 --> 00:06:07,608
I just don't want
you getting hurt.
188
00:06:07,610 --> 00:06:10,110
The boys will always be
a part of our lives. You'll see.
189
00:06:10,112 --> 00:06:12,079
I mean, Bryan and I
are identical souls.
190
00:06:12,081 --> 00:06:14,081
We have the exact
same take on everything.
191
00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:16,500
Get the cameraman! Get the cameraman!
No, not the gazelle!
192
00:06:16,502 --> 00:06:18,151
No, no, the cameraman!
No, no, eat the cameraman!
193
00:06:18,153 --> 00:06:19,753
Get the cameraman!
Eat the fatty! He can't run!
194
00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:21,004
He's like three feet away! Eat the fatty!
He can't run!
195
00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:22,923
Both: Oh...
196
00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:25,175
Mom, I have faith
in Bryan and David.
197
00:06:25,177 --> 00:06:26,627
I believe they really love us.
198
00:06:26,629 --> 00:06:29,046
Who are you gonna listen to:
Gary, a man who asked me
199
00:06:29,048 --> 00:06:31,298
to lend him two grand,
or your own heart?
200
00:06:35,853 --> 00:06:39,189
(Bryan and Shania chuckling)
201
00:06:39,191 --> 00:06:40,674
David: So cool.
202
00:06:40,676 --> 00:06:42,092
They actually look
like polaroids.
203
00:06:42,094 --> 00:06:43,443
What are polaroids?
204
00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:45,862
It's just an old-timey word
David likes to use.
205
00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:48,065
Like "landline" or
"Josh Hartnett."
206
00:06:48,067 --> 00:06:50,284
Okay, honey, it's time
to hit the road.
207
00:06:50,286 --> 00:06:52,319
Aw, do we have to? Uh-huh.
208
00:06:52,321 --> 00:06:54,121
It feels like we haven't
seen these guys in forever.
209
00:06:54,123 --> 00:06:55,372
I know, honey.
I'm sorry about that.
210
00:06:55,374 --> 00:06:57,491
But David and I are
on a noble quest.
211
00:06:57,493 --> 00:06:59,242
We're on the hunt
for godparents.
212
00:06:59,244 --> 00:07:00,460
Mom, do I have godparents?
213
00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:02,746
No, sweetie.
You know, I asked Nana
214
00:07:02,748 --> 00:07:04,047
when I was pregnant,
but she told me
215
00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:05,465
that if I took
an illegitimate child
216
00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:07,467
into a church, it would
be like killing Jesus twice.
217
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:08,585
Sounds right.
218
00:07:08,587 --> 00:07:10,170
So, since I don't have
any godparents,
219
00:07:10,172 --> 00:07:11,838
maybe you guys could be mine.
220
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,725
Us? Oh, godparents?
221
00:07:14,727 --> 00:07:16,226
That's a pretty big
responsibility, Shania.
222
00:07:16,228 --> 00:07:18,228
Bryan: Yeah, and
really sweet, honey,
223
00:07:18,230 --> 00:07:19,680
but I'm afraid
we have to say no.
224
00:07:19,682 --> 00:07:21,848
No, no, no, it's just
that Bryan and I
225
00:07:21,850 --> 00:07:23,066
don't have a lot to offer
226
00:07:23,068 --> 00:07:24,851
in the whole spiritual
guidance department.
227
00:07:24,853 --> 00:07:27,654
Yeah, you really can't be
someone's godparent
228
00:07:27,656 --> 00:07:29,406
if you don't have spiritual
conviction of your own.
229
00:07:29,408 --> 00:07:31,658
No. It's okay. I get it.
230
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,276
Okay.
231
00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:34,828
Oh...
232
00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:36,246
What was that?
233
00:07:36,248 --> 00:07:38,782
We met with Gary the other day,
and he told us
234
00:07:38,784 --> 00:07:40,617
that most surrogates don't stay
in contact with the parents
235
00:07:40,619 --> 00:07:42,119
after the baby's born.
236
00:07:42,121 --> 00:07:43,704
Goldie, we hope that you'll
always be a part of our lives.
237
00:07:43,706 --> 00:07:46,423
We can hope this is permanent,
but the truth is,
238
00:07:46,425 --> 00:07:48,458
when the baby comes,
everything's gonna change.
239
00:08:29,682 --> 00:08:33,135
Bryan: 12 dudes sitting around
gossiping and drinking wine?
240
00:08:33,137 --> 00:08:35,153
You call that the last supper?
241
00:08:35,155 --> 00:08:37,823
I call that a Tuesday night.
242
00:08:37,825 --> 00:08:39,991
Hey, Mary. I'm a virgin, too.
243
00:08:39,993 --> 00:08:43,245
I've also slept in a barn
with three wise men.
244
00:08:43,247 --> 00:08:44,379
I'm sorry. I shouldn't be
245
00:08:44,381 --> 00:08:45,664
talking smack
about your mother.
246
00:08:45,666 --> 00:08:48,417
But you know who judges me?
Your father.
247
00:08:49,168 --> 00:08:51,253
You here for confession?
248
00:08:56,509 --> 00:08:59,461
Uh, bless me, father,
for I have sinned.
249
00:08:59,463 --> 00:09:03,348
It has been 20 years
since my last confession.
250
00:09:03,350 --> 00:09:06,818
Commandment-wise, I have
251
00:09:06,820 --> 00:09:08,854
pretty much done 'em all,
252
00:09:08,856 --> 00:09:11,673
except for kill someone and
covet my neighbor's wife.
253
00:09:11,675 --> 00:09:14,192
Okay, three hail Marys.
Have a nice day.
254
00:09:14,194 --> 00:09:16,945
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Um, is-is... that's it?
255
00:09:16,947 --> 00:09:18,763
Well, if you're not gonna
take this seriously,
256
00:09:18,765 --> 00:09:20,232
I'm gonna get back
to playing angry birds.
257
00:09:20,234 --> 00:09:22,150
Oh, okay, um,
258
00:09:22,152 --> 00:09:24,152
my partner and I are
259
00:09:24,154 --> 00:09:26,288
having a baby and we're looking
for godparents,
260
00:09:26,290 --> 00:09:28,206
but I don't think I can find
spiritual foundation
261
00:09:28,208 --> 00:09:30,208
in others if I can't
even find it in myself.
262
00:09:30,210 --> 00:09:31,910
So that's why I'm here.
263
00:09:31,912 --> 00:09:33,011
So, you're gay.
264
00:09:33,013 --> 00:09:35,297
Uh, yeah. I guess I should have
led with that.
265
00:09:35,299 --> 00:09:36,998
No, I get it.
I committed my life
266
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,633
to a man, as well.
Eh, that's really funny.
267
00:09:38,635 --> 00:09:40,719
I'm actually talking
about an actual man
268
00:09:40,721 --> 00:09:42,654
that I actually lay with,
269
00:09:42,656 --> 00:09:44,256
leviticus style.
270
00:09:44,258 --> 00:09:45,974
Well, contrary
to popular opinion,
271
00:09:45,976 --> 00:09:48,894
being gay isn't a sin.
272
00:09:48,896 --> 00:09:50,645
The church is not anti-gay.
273
00:09:50,647 --> 00:09:53,148
Yet any chance he gets,
the pope treats gay marriage
274
00:09:53,150 --> 00:09:55,016
like Amanda Bynes treats
pedestrians.
275
00:09:55,018 --> 00:09:56,935
Oh, yeah, the pope. Come on.
276
00:09:56,937 --> 00:09:58,270
Haven't you ever had
a lovable old Uncle
277
00:09:58,272 --> 00:10:00,155
who popped off
intolerant comments
278
00:10:00,157 --> 00:10:01,490
at a family barbecue?
279
00:10:01,492 --> 00:10:02,941
Can't you get fired
for saying stuff like that?
280
00:10:02,943 --> 00:10:04,276
I don't know if you noticed,
281
00:10:04,278 --> 00:10:06,495
but it's pretty hard
to get fired around here.
282
00:10:06,497 --> 00:10:07,979
(Chuckles)
283
00:10:07,981 --> 00:10:09,831
I was raised catholic.
284
00:10:09,833 --> 00:10:11,666
I love the tradition,
285
00:10:11,668 --> 00:10:13,335
I love the ritual.
286
00:10:13,337 --> 00:10:15,754
I mean, don't get me started
on the stations of the cross.
287
00:10:15,756 --> 00:10:17,506
But you guys don't accept me.
288
00:10:17,508 --> 00:10:21,009
So, what am I supposed
to do, father?
289
00:10:21,011 --> 00:10:22,961
I mean, you tell me.
Where do I go?
290
00:10:22,963 --> 00:10:25,297
Well, there are
plenty of churches
291
00:10:25,299 --> 00:10:27,449
specifically geared
to your community.
292
00:10:27,451 --> 00:10:29,601
Uch! Rainbow flags
and tambourines.
293
00:10:29,603 --> 00:10:31,786
I don't want to be forced to
use a separate water fountain.
294
00:10:31,788 --> 00:10:33,805
Why can't the church be
accepting of all people?
295
00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:37,475
We are. We embrace everyone,
just like Jesus.
296
00:10:37,477 --> 00:10:39,361
Oh, you know what?
You toss Jesus' name around,
297
00:10:39,363 --> 00:10:40,695
but you don't exactly
practice what he preached,
298
00:10:40,697 --> 00:10:42,280
'cause Jesus wouldn't
have judged people
299
00:10:42,282 --> 00:10:44,115
based on their sexuality
because Jesus loved everyone.
300
00:10:44,117 --> 00:10:45,984
Oh, wrong! I never bought that.
301
00:10:45,986 --> 00:10:48,036
"Jesus is a blissed out
hippie" crap.
302
00:10:48,038 --> 00:10:49,871
That man was pissed off!
303
00:10:49,873 --> 00:10:51,873
He walked into temples,
told 'em they were doing it
304
00:10:51,875 --> 00:10:53,041
all wrong
and wrecked the place.
305
00:10:53,043 --> 00:10:55,794
He was the Chuck Norris
of his day.
306
00:10:55,796 --> 00:10:57,379
Except his beard
wasn't nearly as well-groomed.
307
00:10:57,381 --> 00:10:59,180
Well, as true as that might be,
308
00:10:59,182 --> 00:11:00,882
Jesus also said
turn the other cheek.
309
00:11:00,884 --> 00:11:03,518
Which didn't mean,
lay down and take it.
310
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:06,271
In those days, turn the other
cheek was an act of defiance.
311
00:11:06,273 --> 00:11:08,857
It meant,
I will see your insult
312
00:11:08,859 --> 00:11:10,642
and raise you a "suck it."
313
00:11:10,644 --> 00:11:14,279
He saw hypocrisy and injustice
314
00:11:14,281 --> 00:11:16,948
and he said, "seriously?
You guys are idiots.
315
00:11:16,950 --> 00:11:18,850
This has got to change!"
316
00:11:18,852 --> 00:11:21,253
So you're saying the church can change?
Well, it would.
317
00:11:21,255 --> 00:11:25,123
I've seen gay people battle
discrimination and march
318
00:11:25,125 --> 00:11:26,391
for marriage equality.
319
00:11:26,393 --> 00:11:28,593
They demanded the right to
fight for their countries,
320
00:11:28,595 --> 00:11:31,129
but for their souls? Nope.
321
00:11:31,131 --> 00:11:33,498
They just give up, walk away.
322
00:11:33,500 --> 00:11:35,300
Jesus was a fighter, son.
323
00:11:35,302 --> 00:11:36,668
How about you?
324
00:11:40,806 --> 00:11:42,841
Hey, did you call Goldie
325
00:11:42,843 --> 00:11:44,976
and remind them to come pick up
Shania's Guinea pig?
326
00:11:44,978 --> 00:11:46,461
Yeah,
right before I went to church.
327
00:11:46,463 --> 00:11:49,180
I'm not nagging you.
You don't have to be sarcastic.
328
00:11:49,182 --> 00:11:50,465
No, David,
I really went to church.
329
00:11:50,467 --> 00:11:52,067
I met with a priest
and everything.
330
00:11:52,069 --> 00:11:54,185
I even confessed my sins.
331
00:11:54,187 --> 00:11:55,403
That doesn't sound like
the man that I'm not
332
00:11:55,405 --> 00:11:56,855
allowed to marry.
I just figured
333
00:11:56,857 --> 00:11:58,523
if we're getting serious
about finding godparents,
334
00:11:58,525 --> 00:12:00,358
we should probably get serious
about finding God.
335
00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:02,160
The church used to be
really important to me.
336
00:12:02,162 --> 00:12:04,746
I used to go every week.
Do you ever think about
337
00:12:04,748 --> 00:12:05,914
maybe going back to judaism?
338
00:12:05,916 --> 00:12:07,916
Ugh! I couldn't shake it
if I tried. Why do
339
00:12:07,918 --> 00:12:10,785
you think my ancestors wandered
the hot desert for 40 years?
340
00:12:10,787 --> 00:12:13,672
It's why my people retire
to fort lauderdale.
341
00:12:13,674 --> 00:12:15,106
Is that why?
342
00:12:15,108 --> 00:12:16,625
I guess with the baby coming,
343
00:12:16,627 --> 00:12:18,460
I should think about
maybe joining a temple.
344
00:12:18,462 --> 00:12:20,629
We got a problem.
345
00:12:20,631 --> 00:12:23,414
Please tell me he just watched
that Steve Martin movie
346
00:12:23,416 --> 00:12:25,433
about competitive bird watching
and fell into a deep sleep.
347
00:12:25,435 --> 00:12:26,685
He's dead.
348
00:12:26,687 --> 00:12:27,802
David, did you forget
to water it?
349
00:12:27,804 --> 00:12:29,604
See, that's the problem
right there.
350
00:12:29,606 --> 00:12:30,889
I thought you were gonna do it!
351
00:12:30,891 --> 00:12:32,941
You know I just say things!
Quick, give him mouth-to-mouth!
352
00:12:32,943 --> 00:12:34,025
What? I'm not putting
353
00:12:34,027 --> 00:12:35,894
my mouth on a pig,
even a Guinea pig.
354
00:12:35,896 --> 00:12:37,095
I've had a religious awakening.
355
00:12:37,097 --> 00:12:39,197
From this moment on,
I'm keeping kosher.
356
00:12:41,266 --> 00:12:44,202
(Sighs) Ah, God.
Okay, Marshmallow,
357
00:12:44,204 --> 00:12:46,454
I'm just gonna check
the vital signs here.
358
00:12:46,456 --> 00:12:48,289
Just blow into his mouth! Okay!
359
00:12:50,159 --> 00:12:51,660
Run away from the light,
Marshmallow.
360
00:12:51,662 --> 00:12:53,161
Think about your family!
361
00:12:53,163 --> 00:12:54,329
Come on, Marshmallow!
362
00:12:54,331 --> 00:12:57,132
You have so much
to live for, Marshmallow!
363
00:12:57,134 --> 00:12:59,501
Oh, I'm sorry.
364
00:12:59,503 --> 00:13:00,635
We killed Marshmallow.
365
00:13:00,637 --> 00:13:02,170
How in the hell are we supposed
to take care of a baby
366
00:13:02,172 --> 00:13:04,339
when we can't even keep
a Guinea pig alive for a day?
367
00:13:04,341 --> 00:13:05,473
Well, for starters,
we're not keeping
368
00:13:05,475 --> 00:13:07,726
our baby in a cage in
the laundry room.
369
00:13:07,728 --> 00:13:10,729
Poor Shania.
What are we gonna do?
370
00:13:10,731 --> 00:13:12,263
It's so obvious.
371
00:13:12,265 --> 00:13:14,566
Rocky, go to the pet store,
372
00:13:14,568 --> 00:13:16,601
find a Guinea pig that looks
just like Marshmallow.
373
00:13:16,603 --> 00:13:18,770
The kid will never know
the difference.
374
00:13:18,772 --> 00:13:20,405
That's brilliant.
What are you doing?
375
00:13:20,407 --> 00:13:22,306
Googling to see how many
TV families have tried
376
00:13:22,308 --> 00:13:24,159
the same ol' tired plan
that never works.
377
00:13:24,161 --> 00:13:27,529
Okay, let's see:
The Bradys, the partridges,
378
00:13:27,531 --> 00:13:30,949
the growing painses...
Oh, and saved by the bell.
379
00:13:30,951 --> 00:13:33,785
Well, if it's good enough
for saved by the bell,
380
00:13:33,787 --> 00:13:35,086
it's good enough for me.
381
00:13:35,088 --> 00:13:36,921
Oh, I know. I watch your show.
382
00:13:36,923 --> 00:13:38,757
Rocky, it is really amazing.
383
00:13:38,759 --> 00:13:40,458
I would never even know
the difference.
384
00:13:40,460 --> 00:13:42,594
Yeah. What'd you
do with the body?
385
00:13:42,596 --> 00:13:45,096
Don't ask questions you can't
handle the answer to.
386
00:13:45,098 --> 00:13:46,131
(Doorbell rings)
387
00:13:46,133 --> 00:13:47,515
Oh, my God, they're here.
388
00:13:47,517 --> 00:13:49,467
Okay, act natural. I sound
like an insane person.
389
00:13:49,469 --> 00:13:51,386
Bryan: Hey!
390
00:13:51,388 --> 00:13:52,771
Shania, there's someone who is
391
00:13:52,773 --> 00:13:55,056
literally pooping himself
with excitement to see you.
392
00:13:55,058 --> 00:13:56,307
And for once, it's not me.
393
00:13:56,309 --> 00:13:59,027
Oh, we missed you!
394
00:13:59,029 --> 00:14:02,280
He missed you, too!
He was so much fun.
395
00:14:02,282 --> 00:14:04,399
(Chuckles)
396
00:14:04,401 --> 00:14:08,119
Uh, something's wrong
with Marshmallow.
397
00:14:08,121 --> 00:14:09,738
What do you mean?
398
00:14:09,740 --> 00:14:12,574
He has a vagina. Rocky...
399
00:14:12,576 --> 00:14:15,160
Hey, you want me to check a Guinea
pig's private parts, that's extra.
400
00:14:15,162 --> 00:14:16,961
What's happening here?
401
00:14:16,963 --> 00:14:18,713
Uh, I think I can explain.
402
00:14:18,715 --> 00:14:21,916
Shania,
403
00:14:21,918 --> 00:14:26,004
the transgender movement
is a proud and...
404
00:14:26,006 --> 00:14:28,473
Oh, my God, Bryan!
405
00:14:28,475 --> 00:14:30,091
Honey, that is not Marshmallow.
406
00:14:30,093 --> 00:14:33,645
That is a Guinea pig
David and Bryan well-meaningly
407
00:14:33,647 --> 00:14:37,182
told me to go out and buy to fool you
into thinking it was Marshmallow.
408
00:14:37,184 --> 00:14:38,900
So, Marshmallow is...?
409
00:14:38,902 --> 00:14:40,318
Yes, honey,
Marshmallow has passed.
410
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,187
How did it happen?
411
00:14:42,189 --> 00:14:44,272
Oh, come here.
412
00:14:48,393 --> 00:14:51,079
Guinea pigs have a
number, just like us,
413
00:14:51,081 --> 00:14:52,831
and when it's up, it's up.
414
00:14:52,833 --> 00:14:56,668
Life is a mighty river, and no
one can change its course.
415
00:14:56,670 --> 00:14:58,670
She's like a seven-foot-tall
Maya angelou.
416
00:14:58,672 --> 00:15:01,422
Jesus said,
"my sheep hears my voice."
417
00:15:01,424 --> 00:15:04,459
I'm actually gonna substitute
that for Guinea pig.
418
00:15:04,461 --> 00:15:06,577
"My Guinea pig hear my voice.
419
00:15:06,579 --> 00:15:08,429
"I know them,
and they follow me.
420
00:15:08,431 --> 00:15:11,516
And no one can snatch
them out of my hand."
421
00:15:11,518 --> 00:15:13,017
Do you know what that means?
422
00:15:13,019 --> 00:15:15,720
I think it means no one can take
the memories
423
00:15:15,722 --> 00:15:17,105
of Marshmallow away from us.
424
00:15:17,107 --> 00:15:20,608
They'll last in our hearts
as long as we're alive.
425
00:15:20,610 --> 00:15:21,559
Aw...
426
00:15:21,561 --> 00:15:23,111
I'm still gonna miss
Marshmallow.
427
00:15:23,113 --> 00:15:24,362
Oh, I know, baby.
428
00:15:24,364 --> 00:15:26,147
I wish David had
remembered to feed it.
429
00:15:27,233 --> 00:15:28,817
But look at this little guy.
430
00:15:28,819 --> 00:15:31,152
So you know, I'm giving
the new Guinea pig
431
00:15:31,154 --> 00:15:33,771
to my goddaughter,
unless it dies.
432
00:15:33,773 --> 00:15:36,407
Then I'm throwing it in
the pool with the other one.
433
00:15:43,214 --> 00:15:44,741
Thank you all for coming to celebrate
434
00:15:44,759 --> 00:15:46,785
the life of our beloved friend,
Marshmallow.
435
00:15:47,098 --> 00:15:49,198
I'm glad she opted
for a closed shoebox.
436
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,034
Marshmallow wasn't with our class
very long, but he had a full life.
437
00:15:52,036 --> 00:15:54,654
My mom and I took him
on the L.A. Metro once,
438
00:15:54,656 --> 00:15:57,290
and I think he really
appreciated the strong smells.
439
00:15:57,292 --> 00:15:59,108
Most people think that death is
440
00:15:59,110 --> 00:16:00,960
like this doorway
to the afterlife.
441
00:16:00,962 --> 00:16:03,829
But the truth is,
we don't know what happens.
442
00:16:03,831 --> 00:16:07,166
See, death is a part of life,
but we have a chance.
443
00:16:07,168 --> 00:16:10,286
No, not a chance,
a responsibility
444
00:16:10,288 --> 00:16:12,171
to love each other
and do nice things
445
00:16:12,173 --> 00:16:13,990
while we're here on this earth.
446
00:16:13,992 --> 00:16:15,975
'Cause, really,
that's all we got, man.
447
00:16:15,977 --> 00:16:17,510
Testify, girl.
448
00:16:17,512 --> 00:16:20,813
Now. Now is the only thing
that's for sure.
449
00:16:20,815 --> 00:16:24,133
And if you ever saw Marshmallow
nibbling on a kernel of corn,
450
00:16:24,135 --> 00:16:25,901
you'd know
he felt the same way.
451
00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:45,871
God bless you, little one.
452
00:16:45,873 --> 00:16:48,490
We'll see your little furry
face in the afterlife.
453
00:16:48,492 --> 00:16:50,509
Or not.
454
00:16:56,183 --> 00:17:00,019
She really is an amazing kid.
455
00:17:00,021 --> 00:17:02,772
You know, I have to tell
you guys something.
456
00:17:02,774 --> 00:17:05,674
That stuff Gary said? Shania
never lost faith in you.
457
00:17:05,676 --> 00:17:06,859
It was me.
458
00:17:06,861 --> 00:17:08,844
Come on, Goldie. You're family.
459
00:17:08,846 --> 00:17:10,363
No, please don't say family.
460
00:17:10,365 --> 00:17:13,566
My whole life, my family has
done nothing but leave.
461
00:17:13,568 --> 00:17:14,617
All of them:
462
00:17:14,619 --> 00:17:17,203
My mom, my dad,
Clay, my grandpa.
463
00:17:17,205 --> 00:17:20,356
It's like just when I
trust someone with my heart,
464
00:17:20,358 --> 00:17:22,041
they break it.
465
00:17:22,043 --> 00:17:23,242
Honey, if you haven't noticed,
466
00:17:23,244 --> 00:17:24,910
we're not exactly
your typical family.
467
00:17:24,912 --> 00:17:26,695
Yeah.
But we're not going anywhere.
468
00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:39,425
I hate when the wristband on my
watch get caught on my arm hair.
469
00:17:39,427 --> 00:17:41,460
Whoa, what you doing?
470
00:17:41,462 --> 00:17:42,595
Praying.
471
00:17:42,597 --> 00:17:45,264
Why? Did you call that lazy
anorexic actress
472
00:17:45,266 --> 00:17:46,882
at work lazy again? No.
473
00:17:46,884 --> 00:17:48,768
When I was a kid, my mom used
474
00:17:48,770 --> 00:17:50,603
to come into my room
and pray with me.
475
00:17:50,605 --> 00:17:53,155
And we'd say the our
father and the hail Mary.
476
00:17:53,157 --> 00:17:54,740
I would feel her next to me,
477
00:17:54,742 --> 00:17:57,610
and I, I just knew everything
was okay.
478
00:17:57,612 --> 00:17:59,745
Forget it. It's silly.
479
00:17:59,747 --> 00:18:01,563
No, it's not.
480
00:18:01,565 --> 00:18:04,750
It is not silly.
I wish I still had that.
481
00:18:04,752 --> 00:18:08,087
When I first went to New York for
college, I didn't know anyone.
482
00:18:08,089 --> 00:18:09,905
I was lonely.
So I went to temple.
483
00:18:09,907 --> 00:18:11,374
And all the prayers
484
00:18:11,376 --> 00:18:13,993
and the people the constant
clearing of throats
485
00:18:13,995 --> 00:18:15,678
made a big city feel smaller.
486
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,913
When I went to ucla
for med school,
487
00:18:17,915 --> 00:18:20,433
the only praying I did was
to not screw up my surgeries.
488
00:18:20,435 --> 00:18:23,853
I guess we both have reasons
for losing our way.
489
00:18:23,855 --> 00:18:25,271
Mm. This is all great,
490
00:18:25,273 --> 00:18:27,840
but it doesn't help us find
godparents.
491
00:18:27,842 --> 00:18:29,191
You could pray with me.
492
00:18:29,193 --> 00:18:31,760
I don't know about praying
on my knees.
493
00:18:31,762 --> 00:18:34,430
I could pray from here,
reassure you
494
00:18:34,432 --> 00:18:35,764
about your strong hairline.
Okay.
495
00:18:35,766 --> 00:18:37,817
All right. What do I do, like this?
Mm-hmm.
496
00:18:37,819 --> 00:18:40,169
Okay. So what are
we praying for?
497
00:18:40,171 --> 00:18:42,905
Well, my mom used to say
you shouldn't pray for stuff.
498
00:18:42,907 --> 00:18:45,157
You should use this time
to thank God.
499
00:18:45,159 --> 00:18:46,976
Okay, what are you thankful for?
500
00:18:46,978 --> 00:18:48,461
My stuff. (Snickers)
501
00:18:50,113 --> 00:18:51,464
And you.
502
00:18:51,466 --> 00:18:53,132
Our baby.
503
00:18:53,134 --> 00:18:54,683
Goldie and Shania.
504
00:18:54,685 --> 00:18:55,851
Isn't she amazing?
505
00:18:55,853 --> 00:18:58,504
Uh! What is with the "live
for the now" thing?
506
00:18:58,506 --> 00:19:00,706
She's like our own baby Buddha.
507
00:19:00,708 --> 00:19:02,842
And don't forget Rocky.
I mean, she's like Jesus,
508
00:19:02,844 --> 00:19:04,310
except without his extensions.
509
00:19:04,312 --> 00:19:06,262
Mm-hmm. She's...
510
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:09,098
Bryan: We have
searched high and low
511
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:10,649
to find our baby's
spiritual guides,
512
00:19:10,651 --> 00:19:14,303
when I all we really needed to
do was search low and high.
513
00:19:14,305 --> 00:19:17,656
Some people look for faith
in a church or a temple.
514
00:19:17,658 --> 00:19:21,494
We have found our ours in you.
515
00:19:21,496 --> 00:19:24,146
So, Rocky, Shania,
516
00:19:24,148 --> 00:19:27,333
will you be our
baby's godparents?
517
00:19:27,335 --> 00:19:28,367
(Laughs)
518
00:19:28,369 --> 00:19:29,535
Really?! I accept!
519
00:19:29,537 --> 00:19:31,203
Hey!
520
00:19:31,205 --> 00:19:33,255
Hells yeah!
521
00:19:33,257 --> 00:19:35,491
And all I thought you
wanted me in your life for
522
00:19:35,493 --> 00:19:38,160
was to keep your mini fridge
stocked with designer water.
523
00:19:38,162 --> 00:19:40,179
(Both laugh)
524
00:19:40,181 --> 00:19:43,265
Well, one job doesn't
rule out the other.
525
00:19:47,721 --> 00:19:49,438
I can already visualize
the park bench
526
00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:52,641
where I will teach your child
wisdom from the ancient mystics,
527
00:19:52,643 --> 00:19:54,560
plus old episodes
of quantum leap.
528
00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:01,367
Just so we're square,
I'm not mad at you anymore.
529
00:20:01,369 --> 00:20:04,904
I'm still jealous of your
pool party abs, but not mad.
530
00:20:04,906 --> 00:20:06,071
Bryan?
531
00:20:06,073 --> 00:20:08,040
Hey, father.
532
00:20:08,042 --> 00:20:10,359
So, you decided to fight?
533
00:20:10,361 --> 00:20:11,961
Yes.
534
00:20:11,963 --> 00:20:14,079
It's okay if I come to
mass every now and then?
535
00:20:14,081 --> 00:20:15,714
Maybe I could bring up
the gifts some time?
536
00:20:15,716 --> 00:20:18,200
I mean, if I'm not at temple
with my Jewish baby daddy.
537
00:20:18,202 --> 00:20:20,753
I'd love to see you
at mass, Bryan.
538
00:20:20,755 --> 00:20:22,204
You and your family.
539
00:20:23,807 --> 00:20:26,926
Hey, since when did they let
girls be altar boys?
540
00:20:26,928 --> 00:20:29,044
Altar servers. Oh. Yeah.
541
00:20:29,046 --> 00:20:30,596
Happened in the mid-'90s.
542
00:20:30,598 --> 00:20:31,981
Took a few thousand years,
543
00:20:31,983 --> 00:20:34,066
but you know,
things can change...
544
00:20:34,068 --> 00:20:35,884
If somebody's willing
to fight for it.
545
00:20:36,719 --> 00:20:38,887
I'll see you Sunday.
546
00:20:38,889 --> 00:20:42,057
Oh, and if you want to bring
the gifts, I'd sign up now.
547
00:20:42,059 --> 00:20:44,527
Mark Wahlberg
comes to the 9:00.
548
00:20:44,529 --> 00:20:45,744
This place is packed.
549
00:20:45,746 --> 00:20:48,447
That guy's abs
put Jesus' to shame.
550
00:21:01,976 --> 00:21:04,939
Father, sometimes I read
us weekly, and I just, I'm so
551
00:21:04,958 --> 00:21:07,423
concerned for the state
of the world.
552
00:21:07,448 --> 00:21:09,750
I think you should probably
read less us weekly
553
00:21:09,801 --> 00:21:11,385
and more... In touch?
554
00:21:11,419 --> 00:21:13,637
Uh, get in touch
with your feelings.
555
00:21:13,671 --> 00:21:15,589
Yeah, get in touch
with real things, you know?
556
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,824
Father does Jesus forgive
Britney Spears?
557
00:21:17,859 --> 00:21:18,875
Yes.
558
00:21:18,910 --> 00:21:20,727
What about Amanda Bynes? Yes.
559
00:21:20,762 --> 00:21:22,045
What about the Kardashians?
560
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,096
Yes.
561
00:21:23,147 --> 00:21:24,547
Kim Kardashian?
562
00:21:24,565 --> 00:21:26,216
Yes.
563
00:21:26,234 --> 00:21:28,384
If Khloe Kardashian walked
into this church right now,
564
00:21:28,403 --> 00:21:29,536
would she burst into flames?
565
00:21:29,570 --> 00:21:31,054
Yes.
566
00:21:31,072 --> 00:21:32,205
That's what I thought.
567
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:36,159
Sync & corrections by wilson0804
www.Addic7ed.com