♪
'Sup?
How you doing?
'Sup?
- Yo. - Hey, what can I get for you?
Two dark roast coffees, please.
Hey?
You like Yeasayer?
Oh, my God, that's, like, my favorite band.
Oh, they're so genius.
Oh, no, no, no, they are beyond genius.
Ambling alp is, like, 24-sev on my iPod rotation.
- Oh, right on. - Yeah, right on.
I really like them.
I like a lot of those kinds of bands and stuff.
Oh, some cashola. [Laughs]
Here's a $20 for you.
- Just keep the change. - Oh, thank you.
Yeah, thank you, dude.
- See you next time. - Okay, yeah.
Bye.
[Song plays on radio] Oh, my goodness.
This is my jam, man!
[Giggles]
[Screams]
I'm okay. I'm all right.
You okay, ma'am?
I'm okay, I'm just...
Ma'am?
[Upbeat rock music]
♪
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.Addic7ed.Com/
[laughs]
What's going on in here?
Oh, you're wearing my Jersey, huh?
- I am. - Dappled sunlight,
autumn foliage, a little light on pumpkin patch footage,
but I think the hunt for aim's october
is gonna be my best Amy video to date.
Mm-hmm.
They called me "ma'am."
More like "damn," right, honey?
Oh, yeah, definitely, definitely.
Oh, you know what?
Maybe I'll use a swirl swipe for our trip to yogurt depot.
Or is that maybe too on-the-nose?
What's the point of learning all these imovie features
if you don't use 'em?
Right. Rendering.
Rendering, rendering, rendering.
Mm, rendering, rendering, rendering.
Oh, babe, careful, that's a signed Jersey.
Suck it.
And he didn't say anything?
No, he just snubbed me for final cut pro.
Then you need to open that sexy little flap trap
and say something.
If you have to ask to be told
that you're not an old hag,
then you are certainly an old hag.
Reaganomics, you are totally not a ma'am.
Angela Lansbury is a ma'am.
Ruth Bader Ginsberg is a ma'am.
Ma'am from Webster is a ma'am.
Ma'am from Webster was one handsome lady.
I wonder what she's up to now.
- Search engine it! - Search engine it!
- I'm gonna search engine it. - Do it.
Oh, and to add to my crap week,
I have to go to the dentist tomorrow,
which you know how much I love the dentist.
- Yeah. - Probably gonna tell me
I need dentures or something.
I used to go to the dentist back when I had insurance,
before eva canned me from her show.
I've learned to chew on the left side of my mouth.
Eva, what's your network name?
Goddesss with three s's.
Huh, look at this.
Someone's WiFi name is "f-u-a-v-a."
Oh, my God. "F.U. Ava."
- Let me see that. - It's right there.
No. That's Fuava.
That's like an old classic Italian name.
Like, "hey, Mario, Fuava."
But the "f" and the "u" are capitalized.
- Someone does not like you. - No.
How you been getting along with your neighbors lately?
I think okay.
Um, let me see, there's tall lady with thinning hair,
uh, ugly sweater couple,
the old man that comes down from somewhere,
and, uh, triangle face.
So you don't actually know any of them?
Not a one.
That's bad, isn't it?
You might wanna make an effort to get to know some of them.
Yeah, then we can get to the bottom
of this "f.U. Ava."
It's pronounced "Fuava,"
like, "my family, they come to this country
to Ellis island with the name Fuava."
- No, it's not. - I don't think it is.
Come on, let's go.
Hi, Uncle Scott.
- Hey, guys. - Hi.
Reagan, I was gonna go get some coffee
and maybe eat some floor.
You wanna come
or are you already full from last time?
Why did I ever tell you that?
I'm sorry... Ma'am.
Why did I tell you that?
Hey, there are my ladies.
Hi.
Hey, look at Amy. She looks so cute.
Where did you get that baby hard hat?
- Grab my phone and film it! - Oh, there it is.
All right, there we go.
Okay. Oh, God, I hate these icons.
I always press the flower...
- You're filming yourself. - I am.
Okay, no, you're aiming it towards you.
- Well then, how do I... - You gotta ch...
- Oh. Yikes. - No, you...
That's not good. Really?
- Just flip it, honey. - Okay, sorry.
- [Groans] - Oh, you missed it.
You gotta get better at filming stuff.
You know, I mean, I'm at work all day
and the cutest thing I see is Scott watching YouTube videos
with his cheaters on.
[Giggles]
I'm just saying that if you don't get it on video
- then I don't see it. - Okay.
Honey, you talk about missing Amy when you're at work.
But you're not even experiencing the moments
that you are there for.
I am experiencing it.
Through a screen.
You know what, I want you to go one week without filming Amy.
Just put the phone down and try to appreciate
all the beauty that's around you.
- You know what I'm saying, baby? - Babe, what are you doing?
You're in the frame. You're... I can't see her.
No video?
That's gonna be ree-ough for him.
Mm-hmm.
I can go a week without taking a picture.
Boom. Done sauce.
Good. And can we be done sauce with done sauce?
You came up with done sauce.
I didn't come up with done sauce.
I came up with amazeballs.
Hello. Reagan Brinkley, right?
- Yep. - Ah, nice to meet you.
- You too. - Nice to meet you.
I'm just a dumpy old mee-maw
here to get her chompers looked at.
Okay, okay, well, just sit back, relax,
and open your mouth to the Max.
- Okay. - Okay?
Let's take a little lookie-look.
See what we got going on down there.
- All right. - All right.
Let me see.
- Whoa! - What?
What's wrong? What's wrong?
That is a gorgeous bite.
Oh, thank you.
- Stunningly beautiful. - Thank you.
Wow, and I'm guessing
you already do whitening treatments, right?
Actually, I, um, haven't even been to the dentist
for, like, three years, to be honest.
Well, I got pregnant and it just, like, got crazy.
Then I went to back to work and then there was, like,
all that construction on ventura so...
Okay, okay, I'm gonna have to stop you.
I don't normally say this, okay?
But I'm gonna recommend you start drinking
a lot of coffee and a lot of red wine
so you don't blind people with that dazzling smile right there.
- Come on now. - No, I'm serious.
A smile like that is the reason I got into the business.
- Oh, Dr. Welborn. - Yeah.
Totally serious.
Oh, thank you.
Okay, next I'm taking a look at the sign up sheet here.
Elaine is gonna start a weekly newsletter, so let's...
Hello, 91423!
Is this the neighborhood meeting?
I think it already started. I'm so sorry.
Excuse me. Sorry.
[Door slams] Oh!
- Oops! Wow, that's a... - Sorry.
Do you mind? I'm so sorry. There's a spot right there.
May we sit, sir? Thank you.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! - Oh, sorry, sorry.
- Come on up, come on up. - Wow.
- Well, I can't... I can't see. - Oh, you're right.
If we're facing this way, I can't see.
You're doing the meeting, right?
You're not running the meeting. [Laughs]
I'd be like best seat in the house if you were.
That's a weird view, seeing the back of his neck.
Do you want to find another seat?
There's a seat back here.
- Yep. Okay. - I'll just, uh...
Oh, right there. Sit there.
[Gasps] Perfect.
As I was saying,
just to make sure we all get the e-newsletter,
did everyone sign in?
You know what? I did not.
And I would love to get one,
because I don't know everyone's names.
I do know all of your Internet network names.
You are beaglebrigade. Ding!
Give me... surfergurrl. Boom.
Captain222. That was hard.
[Laughs] Huh.
And let me see Fuava.
It's "f" you, Ava. Short for fu...
Ah, bup-bup-bup! We know, Wayne.
You're the worst.
You leave your garbage cans out all week.
You do that horrible loud singing every morning.
They're vocal exercises.
Wow, can you believe this guy?
It sounds like a seagull being beaten to death with a bagpipe.
And you drive like a maniac.
That's why we had to install speed bumps.
Let's get on with this.
I'm hoping to get home in time to catch wheel.
These... these people do not like me.
I like you.
But yes, I'm the only one.
So we need someone to do
the neighborhood Halloween haunted house.
Rebecca, would you and James maybe wanna...
Me! I'll do it at my house!
Neighborhood people, I recognize that I may have been
a bit inconsiderate in the past,
but if you just give me this chance
to be a better neighbor,
then I guarantee,
I will give you the best haunted house
this four block radius has ever seen!
- Yes! - What do you say?
Hooray for second chances!
Woo-hoo!
Fuava, you with me?
- Unbelievable. Wow. - Wow.
All right, hope we didn't keep you away from work too long.
I know I didn't mind.
No, I'm just a mom now.
- Just a mom? - Mm-hmm.
- You're more like a milf. - What?
A mother I'd like to floss. [Chuckles]
- Oh, God. - Sorry.
- Dr. Welborn. - I had to say it.
Oh, gracious.
All right, looks like in the next six months,
we're gonna have to bring you back
to extract those two impacted Wisdom teeth.
Let's do it this week.
What? Wow.
I've never seen a patient so excited about dental surgery.
Oh, well, you know, I don't want anything to happen
- to my perfect lower bite. - Amen.
I like a lady who takes care of herself.
And you certainly take care of yourself.
[Chuckles] Dr. Welborn.
I do. I work out.
Hi, kids!
Hi.
Afternoon, Wayne.
So I figure if the procedure takes an hour and half,
I have plenty of time to go to the pumpkin patch with Amy
and then just be back in time to pick your numb ass up.
Okay, great.
Hey, honey?
I, um, just so you know,
my dentist is kinda into me.
I... what are you talking about?
I just think he has a crush on me.
You know, the way he flirts with me, it's like whoa.
- Wait, he's flirting with you? - Yeah.
Do you want me to say something to the guy?
No. Oh, my God, honey.
You will do no such thing.
- It's not worth it. - Okay...
I don't need you coming in here
and making a scene in my dentist office,
all right, over me.
Yes, so the guy thinks I'm sexy.
Big deal. I mean, you know what?
Men are gonna find me attractive
because I am and you're gonna have to
just deal with it, honey.
Oh, hey there!
I will be right with you. [Chuckles]
Wassup, my brother?
Not much.
He's, like, burning a hole in my...
[Chuckling] That's the guy?
That's... okay, wow.
Well, he's pretty hot stuff.
Don't let him sw... [Laughs]
Sweep you off your feet.
Okay, honey, I'll get you in a couple of hours.
[Giggles]
Babe?
- Reagan? Reagan? - What?
- That was the guy? - Yeah, that's...
[Children laugh]
Wow, this is great, right?
Watching the kiddos.
Taking the moment in with no camera.
Just pure moment-living.
Amy in pumpkins, it's like being waterboarded with cuteness.
Look at her standing next to that sunflower.
It's taller than she is.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna just get this real quick.
Chris, you take that photo,
Reagan will never let you hear the end of it.
No, I know, you're right, you're right, you're right.
I just gotta enjoy this beautiful nanosecond
in Amy's life that I'll never experience again.
Oh, man, look, she's holding the sunflower with her cousin.
That's like the holy grail of kid shots.
Oh, my God.
Hey, dad, can Amy and I go in the hay maze?
I'll go with 'em.
You stay here and get ahold of yourself.
Okay.
Maybe while Amy's in the hay maze,
I'll shoot some b-roll for aimers in autumn,
which is technically not breaking the rules
because she's not in the shot.
You know, Terry and I got lost in a hay maze once.
That's how we made this little one.
[Chuckles]
I-I'm kidding. It was ivf.
Oh. That's so romantic.
Well, no, it's not, but it...
- Do you know what that is? - No, I know it's very clinical.
- I know what it is. - Oh, okay.
It's when you don't have intercourse.
Oh, look at that.
Hey, haunted house is looking good, Ava.
- Thanks. - It's crap.
Well, we just had a creative breakthrough.
- Our kids can't wait. - It's gonna be great.
I will see you on all Hallow's Eve.
It's gonna be spooooky!
[Ghostly moan]
[Beeping]
- Was that pac-man? - Pac-man, yeah.
[Laughter, indistinct chatter]
This footage is gonna be so good in Amy's movie.
Oh, yeah, pick a good one, little bro.
Hey, excuse me? What are you doing?
Just shooting some video.
Some serious cuteness going on here.
Yeah, I know. That's my kid you're filming.
Oh, he's adorable.
- Argh, Matey! - Yeah. Where's your kid?
Oh, she's just in the hay maze with her Uncle.
I'm just picking up some b-roll.
My wife's trying to get me to cut back on the kid pics.
Okay, buddy, I'm gonna stop you right now.
The video tape you're taking of my son, that's my property.
- Oh, you're serious. - Yeah. Give it.
- Wait, what are you doing? - Give me...
Dude, don't grab my phone.
- Just give it to me. - Give me my phone back.
- Give it. - That's my phone.
Dude, grab somebody else's phone.
Ow, don't... don't slap another guy's hand, man.
Come on, man. Listen, liste...
[Grunts]
There goes your b-roll, a-hole.
Are you kidding?
You just slapped my hand and threw my phone away?
Yeah.
And then ended it with a pretty good line?
Oh, my God.
Reagan, sorry, my phone was broke... are you okay?
[Mumbling] No, I'm not okay, Chris.
I'm not okay.
You wouldn't... you wouldn't even defend my honor, Chris.
I'm sorry. What?
You know what, look at me, Chris.
Look at me.
Lately I've just... I've just been feeling
like a busted old sow cow, you know.
And I'm not. I'm not.
Like a Bumblebee playing soccer?
- I don't know what... - Why can't you understand?
Sow cow! I'm not that.
I mean, look at my body. Look at me!
I'm young, I'm pretty, I'm sexy,
I'm all these things and you don't even see me.
Oh, pretty and sexy.
Reagan, of course I think you're pretty and sexy.
Did you have lower face replacement?
[Indistinct]
Oh, I got that. I heard that.
All right, guys,
♪
because I had an extra door, so where do y...
I-I think I killed her.
[Flatly] Oh, no, you're dead.
[Both laugh]
We're just tossing around some death scenes
for the haunted house, you know?
It's just... It's not even...
- It's a rubber cleaver, Scott. - Yeah.
Oh, this is gonna be a legendary Halloween.
I gotta get back to work.
See you guys on Halloween.
Oh, you know what, I...
I think I... killed her.
[Both laugh]
How funny was that?
Hey, sorry, this isn't any new footage.
I'm just trying to salvage some of my files.
Look, Reag, I'm sorry that I haven't been
paying much attention to you.
It's just between the job
and worrying about missing out on the Amy milestones...
What's that? What's this? That's me. What is this?
That's just when you tried to film Amy with the hard hat.
- It's already in here. - Wait, no, no, don't touch it.
Get out of the way.
Chris, you're totally checking out my butt.
What... oh, well, yeah.
I mean, I'm... I'm always checking out your butt.
Play it again. Play it again.
Look, Reagan, I just want you to know,
as crazy as everything gets, you are still first in my life.
I think you are so beautiful. I love you so mu...
I can't believe my butt didn't burst into flames,
the way you're staring at it.
Oh, yeah, no, I-I literally sneak a peak
every time that you bend over.
Honey, that's all you had to say.
Mm.
See? Video can bring people together.
Yeah.
So maybe I can do some Amy filming for trick-or-treating.
- You may not. - Okay.
All right, let's go check out auntie Ava's haunted house, huh?
[Screaming]
Whoa... [Thunder cracks]
Yeah, this will gonna be great.
Yeah...
[Screaming]
[Chuckles] Look at those kiddos run.
[Sighing happily]
They're gonna be traumatized for life.
Oh, God, they're having a blast.
Is it possible to be voted queen of the neighborhood?
Why not? There's already a king.
Do not go in that house! It's a nightmare factory.
You are sick.
Who would do those things to elmo?
What's going on?
Showing kids the movie saw? Are you out of your mind?
I think maybe our haunted house might have gone too far?
Yeah, well, maybe they shouldn't have
handed the job over to two people
who know almost nothing about human children.
- Walter. - What?
You used to be a freakin' cowboy
at children's birthday parties.
You should have known better.
They should know better. This is a gothic work of art.
You gotta shut that down.
You gotta... You gotta shut that down.
Ava, honey, I think that you should maybe skip
the next few neighborhood meetings.
I'm gonna get Amy home.
Now that I think about it, it's kinda your fault.
[Screaming in background]
I think a lot of these people
actually have a good basis for a lawsuit.
Ugh, God, I know, Wayne, I messed up.
Are you kidding me? It's hilarious.
[Children whimpering, screaming]
You failed miserably, but you tried.
- I did. - Come on over.
I'll pour you a finger of scotch.
Make it three fingers and I'm in.
[Both laugh]
Hey, I have some good ideas for your new network name.
I... think I... killed her.
Oh...
Oh, it's... Oh, it's very muddy.
It's very muddy.
- Hey. - [Clears throat]
- Morning, babe. - Good morning.
- So... - Mm.
I made another video.
What is it? Amy's first day of November?
Mm-hmm.
- What is this? - ♪ you are so beautiful
- [laughs] - ♪ to me
- What is... when... where were you? - ♪ you are so beautiful
I just...
♪ To me
- mm. - Yay.
- Walter, you need to relax. - I will not relax!
Last night was a disaster.
I have an mfa in stagecraft from carnegie mellon.
I should have been able to scare without blood and guts.
Come on, dig deep.
What really scares you?
Hands...
- All over me in a dark closet. - Yes.
Dentures in a jar...
Marionettes.
I'm terrified of, uh...
Bad plastic surgery...
- Needlepoint... - Oh.
- The absence of wind. - [Gasps]
Or... too much wind.
- Next year, we do this right. - Yes!