1
00:00:00,442 --> 00:00:02,151
Liz, I've helped a lot of women
2
00:00:02,220 --> 00:00:03,704
who are struggling
to conceive.
3
00:00:03,706 --> 00:00:06,557
I know how trying
the process can be,
4
00:00:06,559 --> 00:00:09,060
because I've been
through it myself.
5
00:00:09,062 --> 00:00:10,945
Carol,
they're towing your car!
6
00:00:10,947 --> 00:00:12,646
Damn it.
My kids are in there.
7
00:00:12,648 --> 00:00:13,964
No! How?
8
00:00:13,966 --> 00:00:16,067
I came all the way
up to Westchester
9
00:00:16,069 --> 00:00:17,168
just to avoid you.
10
00:00:17,170 --> 00:00:19,653
This is Westchester?
I am lost.
11
00:00:19,655 --> 00:00:21,739
Now, fertility shots...
12
00:00:21,741 --> 00:00:24,025
That's a euphemism, right?
13
00:00:24,027 --> 00:00:25,960
No, my husband and I
are trying to conceive.
14
00:00:25,962 --> 00:00:27,444
I'm gonna write you
a prescription
15
00:00:27,446 --> 00:00:29,279
for progesterone injections.
16
00:00:29,281 --> 00:00:30,781
That's a female hormone.
17
00:00:30,783 --> 00:00:32,917
Now, I know what you're
thinking, and the answer is no.
18
00:00:32,919 --> 00:00:35,419
If a man takes it,
he won't grow breasts,
19
00:00:35,421 --> 00:00:37,254
although
that would be awesome.
20
00:00:37,256 --> 00:00:39,340
No money for the whorehouse?
That's fine.
21
00:00:39,342 --> 00:00:41,291
I'll just look down
while hiding my crotch
22
00:00:41,293 --> 00:00:42,593
with an oriental fan.
23
00:00:42,595 --> 00:00:43,794
Injections?
24
00:00:43,796 --> 00:00:47,464
"Injections"?
Yeah, injections.
25
00:00:47,466 --> 00:00:50,067
Are you Dr. Leo Spaceman?
26
00:00:50,069 --> 00:00:51,602
Come with us
to Washington.
27
00:00:51,604 --> 00:00:52,686
You've just been named
28
00:00:52,688 --> 00:00:54,021
surgeon general
of the United States.
29
00:00:54,023 --> 00:00:55,806
Hey, that's a series wrap
30
00:00:55,808 --> 00:00:57,775
on Leo Spaceman, suckers.
31
00:00:57,777 --> 00:00:59,026
Bye.
32
00:01:11,887 --> 00:01:14,060
30 ROCK
S07 Ep09 - Game Over
33
00:01:14,358 --> 00:01:18,031
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
34
00:01:22,718 --> 00:01:24,168
Are you doping?
35
00:01:24,170 --> 00:01:26,470
Liz Lemon, that stuff
will shrink your testicles,
36
00:01:26,472 --> 00:01:28,889
but there are bad side effects
as well.
37
00:01:28,891 --> 00:01:30,674
No, Tracy. Not that
it's any of your business,
38
00:01:30,676 --> 00:01:32,610
but I am starting
fertility treatments.
39
00:01:32,612 --> 00:01:33,811
Now, I'm not a woman,
40
00:01:33,813 --> 00:01:35,863
so of course I can say
whatever I want.
41
00:01:35,865 --> 00:01:38,115
This seems really weird
and unnatural.
42
00:01:38,117 --> 00:01:41,068
"Side effects include mood
swings, increased irritability,
43
00:01:41,070 --> 00:01:43,370
and swelling
of one or more boobs."
44
00:01:43,372 --> 00:01:44,855
- Can I help you with something?
- Yeah.
45
00:01:44,857 --> 00:01:47,357
I'm about to start shooting
my new Harriet tubman movie,
46
00:01:47,359 --> 00:01:49,410
and I got octavia Spencer
to play the lead...
47
00:01:49,412 --> 00:01:50,628
Harriet something.
48
00:01:50,630 --> 00:01:52,546
You know, I once played
Frederick douglass
49
00:01:52,548 --> 00:01:53,914
in a one-woman show
50
00:01:53,916 --> 00:01:55,716
that the university of Maryland
Diamondback called
51
00:01:55,718 --> 00:01:57,301
"too confusing
to be offensive."
52
00:01:57,303 --> 00:01:59,253
Point is,
I won't be at rehearsal
53
00:01:59,255 --> 00:02:01,255
at all this week.
No, Tracy.
54
00:02:01,257 --> 00:02:02,840
Exactly.
No Tracy.
55
00:02:02,842 --> 00:02:04,892
Thanks for being
so understanding.
56
00:02:10,682 --> 00:02:12,733
- Good morning, Jack.
- Hank.
57
00:02:12,735 --> 00:02:14,819
I was so sorry to hear
about your mother.
58
00:02:14,821 --> 00:02:15,886
Thank you, Hank.
59
00:02:15,888 --> 00:02:17,188
I remember
my own mother's passing.
60
00:02:17,190 --> 00:02:18,355
She wanted to be cremated,
61
00:02:18,357 --> 00:02:20,191
and she ended up
dying in a fire.
62
00:02:20,193 --> 00:02:21,992
Such a considerate woman.
63
00:02:21,994 --> 00:02:23,277
Well, on a brighter note,
64
00:02:23,279 --> 00:02:24,945
I should wish you
a Happy Birthday.
65
00:02:24,947 --> 00:02:26,897
No, no.
It's not my birthday yet.
66
00:02:26,899 --> 00:02:30,584
And it only counts when
it's actually on your birthday.
67
00:02:30,586 --> 00:02:32,203
I have
very strict birthday rules.
68
00:02:32,205 --> 00:02:37,091
One... birthday boy always sleeps
in the largest tiger cage.
69
00:02:37,093 --> 00:02:40,127
Some of the rules may be
specific to my time in Vietnam.
70
00:02:40,129 --> 00:02:42,129
Now, Jack,
as you know,
71
00:02:42,131 --> 00:02:44,265
the Kabletown board
is meeting this Friday.
72
00:02:44,267 --> 00:02:46,917
I promised my wife
I'd step aside
73
00:02:46,919 --> 00:02:48,385
when I turned 70,
74
00:02:48,387 --> 00:02:51,689
but it's very important to me
that control of Kabletown
75
00:02:51,691 --> 00:02:53,924
stays in the Hooper family.
76
00:02:53,926 --> 00:02:57,027
But my kids
are creative types.
77
00:02:57,029 --> 00:02:59,146
Yes, I understand
that Hank Jr. is writing
78
00:02:59,148 --> 00:03:00,814
a children's book
about a giraffe
79
00:03:00,816 --> 00:03:02,599
who learns
he doesn't have to work hard.
80
00:03:02,601 --> 00:03:04,985
But they say sometimes
it skips a generation.
81
00:03:04,987 --> 00:03:06,570
I think you know
my granddaughter.
82
00:03:06,572 --> 00:03:08,622
Sir, Kaylie is only 15.
83
00:03:08,624 --> 00:03:10,791
Yeah, but when she gets out
of college, she'll be 21.
84
00:03:10,793 --> 00:03:13,244
That's the same age I was
when I started Kabletown,
85
00:03:13,246 --> 00:03:15,379
got married,
and had my first white child.
86
00:03:15,381 --> 00:03:17,748
Hank, please think
about your other options.
87
00:03:17,750 --> 00:03:21,752
Jack, you've done
an excellent job with NBC.
88
00:03:21,754 --> 00:03:23,170
I admit I was skeptical
89
00:03:23,172 --> 00:03:25,089
when I first saw
your fall schedule.
90
00:03:25,091 --> 00:03:27,124
"What? Is this guy
trying to tank the company?"
91
00:03:27,126 --> 00:03:29,393
But, boy, you proved me wrong.
92
00:03:29,395 --> 00:03:33,514
Celebrity homonym is
the number-one show in America.
93
00:03:33,516 --> 00:03:35,482
The word is "racket."
94
00:03:35,484 --> 00:03:38,185
Okay, "racket,"
like a tennis racket.
95
00:03:38,187 --> 00:03:39,187
Sorry.
It's the other one.
96
00:03:39,188 --> 00:03:41,689
Again?
You know what, pal?
97
00:03:41,691 --> 00:03:43,492
Why don't you come over here
and tell me that?
98
00:03:44,277 --> 00:03:45,776
I am grateful.
99
00:03:45,778 --> 00:03:47,361
That's why I came up
with a solution
100
00:03:47,363 --> 00:03:48,696
that will make everyone happy.
101
00:03:48,698 --> 00:03:53,083
Until Kaylie graduates,
you'll be her assistant CEO.
102
00:03:53,085 --> 00:03:54,201
"Assistant"?
103
00:03:54,203 --> 00:03:55,485
CEO.
104
00:03:55,487 --> 00:03:57,788
She'll be on the board,
learning the ropes,
105
00:03:57,790 --> 00:03:59,924
and you'll keep her chair warm.
106
00:03:59,926 --> 00:04:03,294
It'll work great,
just like Conan and Jay.
107
00:04:07,966 --> 00:04:10,667
Have you ever
updated your flash player?
108
00:04:10,669 --> 00:04:12,586
It is so sad.
109
00:04:12,588 --> 00:04:15,005
What happens
to version 11.4?
110
00:04:15,007 --> 00:04:16,807
- What now?
- I'm taking hormone shots
111
00:04:16,809 --> 00:04:18,392
to have a baby,
you son of a bitch!
112
00:04:18,394 --> 00:04:20,611
A beautiful little baby.
113
00:04:20,613 --> 00:04:23,731
Being a woman is the worst.
114
00:04:24,984 --> 00:04:26,850
Lemon, Hank Hooper
just told me
115
00:04:26,852 --> 00:04:28,786
I will never be CEO
of Kabletown,
116
00:04:28,788 --> 00:04:30,454
but he doesn't know
about my secret weapon...
117
00:04:30,456 --> 00:04:32,122
My mother's death.
118
00:04:32,124 --> 00:04:33,690
- Wait. So we're both crazy?
- No.
119
00:04:33,692 --> 00:04:35,993
I've spent my life trying
to win my mother's approval,
120
00:04:35,995 --> 00:04:37,461
but she never gave it to me,
121
00:04:37,463 --> 00:04:38,996
which means
I can't ever stop trying,
122
00:04:38,998 --> 00:04:41,031
even when faced
with an impossible task,
123
00:04:41,033 --> 00:04:43,500
like making Hank choose me
over his own granddaughter.
124
00:04:43,502 --> 00:04:45,753
- How much time do you have?
- Three days.
125
00:04:45,755 --> 00:04:47,221
It's exactly
the kind of challenge
126
00:04:47,223 --> 00:04:48,973
my mother's anti-love
prepared me for.
127
00:04:48,975 --> 00:04:51,041
I'll make you proud
of me yet, Colleen!
128
00:04:51,043 --> 00:04:52,542
It'll either be
my masterpiece,
129
00:04:52,544 --> 00:04:53,861
or I will resign
in shame.
130
00:04:53,863 --> 00:04:55,663
Just like poor Nixon.
131
00:04:55,665 --> 00:04:59,683
He did good things in China.
132
00:05:01,403 --> 00:05:02,552
Hey.
133
00:05:02,554 --> 00:05:04,438
Octavia, excellent,
you're black.
134
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:05,689
Now, in this scene,
135
00:05:05,691 --> 00:05:07,358
you're gonna enter
through the door.
136
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:08,609
I don't think so.
137
00:05:08,611 --> 00:05:09,994
I'm gonna walk in
from over here.
138
00:05:09,996 --> 00:05:11,612
But the door.
139
00:05:11,614 --> 00:05:13,063
Well, you're just gonna have
to rewrite the script
140
00:05:13,065 --> 00:05:15,199
and explain how my character
can go through walls.
141
00:05:15,201 --> 00:05:18,669
Also, I want to wear a t-shirt,
promote my website.
142
00:05:18,671 --> 00:05:20,871
But slaves
didn't wear t-shirts.
143
00:05:20,873 --> 00:05:23,173
That sounds
like a Tracy problem, Tracy.
144
00:05:23,175 --> 00:05:24,458
I'm done for the day.
145
00:05:24,460 --> 00:05:25,876
I got to go home
and feed my eels.
146
00:05:25,878 --> 00:05:27,878
They're not electric,
but I have a plan.
147
00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:32,016
Mizz, Dotgov,
let's roll.
148
00:05:35,804 --> 00:05:39,473
Len, I'm in the endgame here
with this Kabletown situation.
149
00:05:39,475 --> 00:05:42,426
Do you have anything
on Kaylie for me?
150
00:05:42,428 --> 00:05:43,861
Well, Mr. Donaghy,
you asked me
151
00:05:43,863 --> 00:05:46,363
to pull out all the stops on
this, so I went deep undercover,
152
00:05:46,365 --> 00:05:48,315
and I applied for a job
as a drama teacher
153
00:05:48,317 --> 00:05:49,317
at Kaylie's school.
154
00:05:49,318 --> 00:05:50,701
Hi, I'm Ms. Foster,
155
00:05:50,703 --> 00:05:52,436
but, please,
call me Jan.
156
00:05:52,438 --> 00:05:55,656
Boy, Jay-Z and Shakespeare
have nothing in common.
157
00:05:55,658 --> 00:05:59,410
Or do they?
158
00:05:59,412 --> 00:06:02,713
Fyi... Jan Foster is currently
in a "lesbian relationship"
159
00:06:02,715 --> 00:06:04,614
with Ms. Siegal
from the math department.
160
00:06:04,616 --> 00:06:06,333
Okay, I don't know
why you had to be a woman.
161
00:06:06,335 --> 00:06:07,451
Let me worry about that.
162
00:06:07,453 --> 00:06:09,803
The point is
Jan took these pictures
163
00:06:09,805 --> 00:06:11,305
this morning outside school.
164
00:06:11,307 --> 00:06:14,341
She thinks you'll be
very interested in them.
165
00:06:17,395 --> 00:06:18,679
Banks.
166
00:06:18,681 --> 00:06:21,815
Pedal faster, fatties.
167
00:06:21,817 --> 00:06:24,852
God, I love
how much you disgust me.
168
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:30,607
Class dismissed.
169
00:06:30,609 --> 00:06:32,642
Really, banks?
Spin class?
170
00:06:32,644 --> 00:06:34,361
Isn't that a bit
of a gay cliche?
171
00:06:34,363 --> 00:06:35,579
You're the gay one.
172
00:06:35,581 --> 00:06:37,815
Wanting to be with a woman...
How gay is that?
173
00:06:37,817 --> 00:06:39,333
You win sex against a man,
174
00:06:39,335 --> 00:06:40,617
that's as straight
as it gets.
175
00:06:40,619 --> 00:06:42,369
You were good...
One of the best.
176
00:06:42,371 --> 00:06:43,587
But look at you now.
177
00:06:43,589 --> 00:06:45,956
Hitching your wagon
to a 15-year-old girl?
178
00:06:45,958 --> 00:06:48,976
Look, I understand
why Kaylie would seek you out.
179
00:06:48,978 --> 00:06:50,260
No one knows me better.
180
00:06:50,262 --> 00:06:52,946
But you also know
that Jack Donaghy always wins.
181
00:06:52,948 --> 00:06:55,165
Or have you forgotten
the time we played battleship?B
182
00:06:55,167 --> 00:06:56,917
Remember A-8?
183
00:06:56,919 --> 00:07:00,003
You peeked.
184
00:07:00,005 --> 00:07:01,054
Why are you here, Jack?
185
00:07:01,056 --> 00:07:02,356
To propose something,
186
00:07:02,358 --> 00:07:04,341
something no one
would ever expect...
187
00:07:04,343 --> 00:07:05,675
An alliance.
188
00:07:05,677 --> 00:07:07,060
Think about it.
189
00:07:07,062 --> 00:07:08,695
How much time and energy
have we wasted
190
00:07:08,697 --> 00:07:12,232
with our sparring and our
gravel-voiced double entendres?
191
00:07:12,234 --> 00:07:13,400
An assload.
192
00:07:13,402 --> 00:07:14,651
If we joined forces,
193
00:07:14,653 --> 00:07:16,904
we could become
the greatest business power duo
194
00:07:16,906 --> 00:07:19,823
since Gregory Linens
teamed up with Thomas n'things.
195
00:07:19,825 --> 00:07:22,859
And whatever Kaylie's offering,
I'll double it.
196
00:07:24,796 --> 00:07:27,397
I'll tell you
what Kaylie's offering me...
197
00:07:27,399 --> 00:07:29,099
100 grand to keep
my mouth shut.
198
00:07:29,101 --> 00:07:30,551
Keep your mouth shut?
What do you mean?
199
00:07:30,553 --> 00:07:33,837
I know certain things, Jack,
about Kaylie's father...
200
00:07:33,839 --> 00:07:36,290
Certain super-gay things.
201
00:07:36,292 --> 00:07:37,641
Hank's son is gay?
202
00:07:37,643 --> 00:07:39,009
How gay, banks,
203
00:07:39,011 --> 00:07:41,061
on a scale from bear hunting
to hunting bears?
204
00:07:41,063 --> 00:07:44,014
Gay enough that Kaylie's parents
have never actually had
205
00:07:44,016 --> 00:07:45,766
heterosexual intercourse.
206
00:07:45,768 --> 00:07:47,351
Word is Kaylie's real father
is the Poole boy.
207
00:07:47,353 --> 00:07:48,368
Do you know him...
208
00:07:48,370 --> 00:07:49,719
Frederick Poole's grandson
Trevor?
209
00:07:49,721 --> 00:07:50,720
Very handsome,
horrible personality...
210
00:07:50,722 --> 00:07:52,139
I'm totally in love with him.
211
00:07:52,141 --> 00:07:55,192
But if Kaylie isn't really
Hank's granddaughter...
212
00:07:55,194 --> 00:07:56,627
Then she
isn't actually family.
213
00:07:56,629 --> 00:07:57,845
And once she's
out of the picture,
214
00:07:57,847 --> 00:07:59,346
you're the only choice
to take over Kabletown.
215
00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:00,781
And you're gonna take me
with you.
216
00:08:00,783 --> 00:08:03,617
But how do we prove
Kaylie's not a Hooper?
217
00:08:03,619 --> 00:08:04,701
All we need is DNA.
218
00:08:04,703 --> 00:08:06,787
I've got a ton of her dad's.
219
00:08:06,789 --> 00:08:10,591
So we just need Kaylie's.
220
00:08:22,807 --> 00:08:24,324
Hi, Bev.
It's Liz.
221
00:08:24,326 --> 00:08:25,826
Liz!
222
00:08:25,828 --> 00:08:27,561
Yeah, definitely, don't give me
your last name,
223
00:08:27,563 --> 00:08:29,129
because I only deal
with one person a year,
224
00:08:29,131 --> 00:08:30,531
so I know exactly who you are.
225
00:08:30,533 --> 00:08:31,949
It's Elizabeth Lemon.
226
00:08:31,951 --> 00:08:34,368
I've been on the agency's list
for a few years now.
227
00:08:34,370 --> 00:08:36,537
I wanted to see
if you got my letter
228
00:08:36,539 --> 00:08:37,788
updating my marital status.
229
00:08:37,790 --> 00:08:39,239
Yes.
Congratulations.
230
00:08:39,241 --> 00:08:41,592
You've moved from
the "well-meaning lesbian" pile
231
00:08:41,594 --> 00:08:43,743
to "found a man,
comma, living a lie."
232
00:08:43,745 --> 00:08:46,547
That brings your wait time
down to only four years.
233
00:08:46,549 --> 00:08:47,948
Four years?
234
00:08:47,950 --> 00:08:50,384
So I'll be 46 by the time
I get a baby?
235
00:08:50,386 --> 00:08:52,052
Unless you'd like
to adopt an older child.
236
00:08:52,054 --> 00:08:53,887
I can give you
a six-year-old yesterday.
237
00:08:53,889 --> 00:08:55,355
Pick a color.
238
00:08:55,357 --> 00:08:57,975
I just always pictured
myself getting a newborn.
239
00:08:57,977 --> 00:08:59,226
And I always pictured myself
240
00:08:59,228 --> 00:09:01,278
getting double-teamed
by two the rocks.
241
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:03,430
But sometimes we have
to make compromises.
242
00:09:03,432 --> 00:09:04,948
Let me know
if you change your mind.
243
00:09:11,573 --> 00:09:14,792
Jack, how old is too old
for a woman to have a baby?
244
00:09:14,794 --> 00:09:15,959
19.
245
00:09:15,961 --> 00:09:17,161
Look, I have three options
246
00:09:17,163 --> 00:09:18,495
if I still want
to start a family.
247
00:09:18,497 --> 00:09:20,130
There's the old-fashioned way,
248
00:09:20,132 --> 00:09:21,665
but these hormone treatments
are the worst.
249
00:09:21,667 --> 00:09:23,250
And even if they work,
at my age,
250
00:09:23,252 --> 00:09:25,452
the kid might just come out
a ball of fingers.
251
00:09:25,454 --> 00:09:28,422
Steve Forbes was born
a ball of fingers.
252
00:09:28,424 --> 00:09:30,674
He had the best surgeons
money can buy,
253
00:09:30,676 --> 00:09:32,476
but you can still tell.
254
00:09:32,478 --> 00:09:35,095
So option two
is adopting a baby,
255
00:09:35,097 --> 00:09:36,597
but I have to wait
four more years.
256
00:09:36,599 --> 00:09:37,964
I'll be almost 70
257
00:09:37,966 --> 00:09:40,067
when she graduates
from college,
258
00:09:40,069 --> 00:09:42,603
which just leaves option three...
Adopting an older kid,
259
00:09:42,605 --> 00:09:44,321
but I don't think
I can handle that.
260
00:09:44,323 --> 00:09:45,639
Really?
Wouldn't that be easier
261
00:09:45,641 --> 00:09:47,241
than taking care
of an infant?
262
00:09:47,243 --> 00:09:48,808
No. With a baby, you know
what you're getting.
263
00:09:48,810 --> 00:09:50,527
With an older kid,
who knows?
264
00:09:50,529 --> 00:09:53,146
For every orphan Annie, there's
a 30-year-old Russian dwarf
265
00:09:53,148 --> 00:09:54,698
who's just pretending
to be a child,
266
00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:56,533
according to a movie
that I watched part of.
267
00:09:56,535 --> 00:09:58,368
We are both
at a crossroads, Lemon.
268
00:09:58,370 --> 00:10:00,954
I have chosen my path.
It's time you do the same.
269
00:10:00,956 --> 00:10:03,841
Hello, partner.
270
00:10:03,843 --> 00:10:05,158
What's happening here?
271
00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:06,660
What's happening
to your left blob?
272
00:10:06,662 --> 00:10:08,962
- It's the hormones.
- Lemon, thanks to banks,
273
00:10:08,964 --> 00:10:10,430
I have reason to believe
that Kaylie
274
00:10:10,432 --> 00:10:11,998
is not her father's daughter.
275
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,667
The reason
being a week-long party
276
00:10:13,669 --> 00:10:15,319
in Stephen sondheim's
sex dungeon.
277
00:10:15,321 --> 00:10:17,170
The workmanship down there
is exquisite,
278
00:10:17,172 --> 00:10:18,505
but it took forever.
279
00:10:18,507 --> 00:10:19,806
Renovations in New York.
280
00:10:19,808 --> 00:10:21,508
The point is,
when Hank finds out
281
00:10:21,510 --> 00:10:23,009
that Kaylie's not family...
282
00:10:23,011 --> 00:10:25,028
My God, are you planning
on telling Hank
283
00:10:25,030 --> 00:10:26,647
just so you can get
a promotion?
284
00:10:26,649 --> 00:10:28,715
Not just a promotion.
I'll be CEO.
285
00:10:28,717 --> 00:10:30,517
And I'll be
NBC's head of publicity.
286
00:10:30,519 --> 00:10:32,536
You'll never see me again.
I'll be on a beach somewhere.
287
00:10:32,538 --> 00:10:33,754
I know
this is important to you,
288
00:10:33,756 --> 00:10:35,489
but you are
off the rails, Jack.
289
00:10:35,491 --> 00:10:36,707
Thanks
for the compliment, Lemon.
290
00:10:36,709 --> 00:10:38,992
Train travel's for hoboes.
291
00:10:38,994 --> 00:10:40,661
What you're doing
makes no sense.
292
00:10:40,663 --> 00:10:42,329
You're teaming up with Devin?
293
00:10:42,331 --> 00:10:43,830
Hey, listen,
I've changed, Lemon.
294
00:10:43,832 --> 00:10:45,716
The only backstabbing
I do now is...
295
00:10:45,718 --> 00:10:47,217
Well, you know.
296
00:10:47,219 --> 00:10:49,720
Every time I think we're done
with that, we find another one.
297
00:10:49,722 --> 00:10:51,505
You're trying
to tear apart a family.
298
00:10:51,507 --> 00:10:53,373
You're in a blood feud
with a teenage girl.
299
00:10:53,375 --> 00:10:56,260
All she wants to do is talk
about boys and text on her phone
300
00:10:56,262 --> 00:10:58,061
and, if she's like me,
sit in a closet
301
00:10:58,063 --> 00:11:00,147
with a flashlight
and memorize airport codes.
302
00:11:00,149 --> 00:11:02,182
Her phone.
Lemon, you're a genius.
303
00:11:02,184 --> 00:11:04,217
That's how we get
Kaylie's DNA.
304
00:11:04,219 --> 00:11:06,403
Teenage girls can't stop looking
at their phones.
305
00:11:06,405 --> 00:11:08,355
It's like me
with paintings of cannons.
306
00:11:08,357 --> 00:11:11,308
Yes, her DNA's
all over that phone, of course.
307
00:11:11,310 --> 00:11:13,694
But how can we get close enough
to steal it?
308
00:11:13,696 --> 00:11:15,495
We need a teenage girl.
309
00:11:15,497 --> 00:11:16,663
Or someone
who thinks like one.
310
00:11:16,665 --> 00:11:18,532
Damn it.
Why do I keep helping you?
311
00:11:18,534 --> 00:11:20,400
I'll just do anything
for approval.
312
00:11:20,402 --> 00:11:21,735
I would have been a Nazi.
313
00:11:21,737 --> 00:11:25,255
Who do we know who's immature
and vicious enough to...
314
00:11:25,257 --> 00:11:28,425
Let's destroy her.
315
00:11:28,427 --> 00:11:31,461
Now, what can I do
for you two gentlemen?
316
00:11:36,584 --> 00:11:38,585
Hello, Mr. Director.
317
00:11:38,587 --> 00:11:39,937
- So how's the movie going?
- Terrible.
318
00:11:39,939 --> 00:11:42,439
Octavia won't do anything
I tell her to do.
319
00:11:42,441 --> 00:11:43,757
She left early.
320
00:11:43,759 --> 00:11:45,442
She's completely unprofessional.
321
00:11:45,444 --> 00:11:46,476
I don't know, Tray.
322
00:11:46,478 --> 00:11:48,779
Sound like she acting
like you.
323
00:11:48,781 --> 00:11:50,280
But I'm impossible
to deal with.
324
00:11:50,282 --> 00:11:53,433
No one has ever been able
to rein in my hilarious antics.
325
00:11:53,435 --> 00:11:56,536
Liz Lemon does it every day
and looks great doing it.
326
00:11:56,538 --> 00:11:58,989
Okay.
So I should just act like her.
327
00:11:58,991 --> 00:12:01,358
W.W.R.X.W.
328
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:04,411
What would Liz Lemon do?
329
00:12:06,247 --> 00:12:07,247
Kaylie Hooper.
330
00:12:07,249 --> 00:12:08,749
To what do I owe the pleasure?
331
00:12:08,751 --> 00:12:12,336
Jack, pleasure's the name
of a pony I hate.
332
00:12:12,338 --> 00:12:15,255
This is business.
333
00:12:15,257 --> 00:12:18,308
So I just happened to bump
into Jenna Maroney
334
00:12:18,310 --> 00:12:20,093
at lunch this afternoon.
335
00:12:20,095 --> 00:12:21,461
What are the chances?
336
00:12:21,463 --> 00:12:23,096
What did you do
to her, Hooper?
337
00:12:23,098 --> 00:12:24,581
Her brain's
like silly putty,
338
00:12:24,583 --> 00:12:27,434
a toy I am too old for.
339
00:12:27,436 --> 00:12:29,770
Kaylie Hooper.
340
00:12:29,772 --> 00:12:31,938
O.M.G.
It's Jenna.
341
00:12:31,940 --> 00:12:34,324
You're wearing that belt
as a joke, right?
342
00:12:34,326 --> 00:12:36,493
Of course I am.
343
00:12:36,495 --> 00:12:38,662
Where did you get your belt?
You're so cool.
344
00:12:38,664 --> 00:12:40,030
Jack is trying
to destroy you
345
00:12:40,032 --> 00:12:43,083
and wants me to steal
your phone.
346
00:12:44,252 --> 00:12:46,253
Yeah, great plan, Jack.
347
00:12:46,255 --> 00:12:49,172
Kaylie, you look
so gorgeous today.
348
00:12:49,174 --> 00:12:51,508
I'm wearing a headband
because you are.
349
00:12:51,510 --> 00:12:52,793
Pathetic.
350
00:12:52,795 --> 00:12:55,796
What did you think you were
gonna do... blackmail me?
351
00:12:55,798 --> 00:12:57,597
Please, I don't keep anything
on my phone anymore.
352
00:12:57,599 --> 00:13:00,467
I use gadzorp.
353
00:13:00,469 --> 00:13:01,668
What on Earth is that?
354
00:13:01,670 --> 00:13:03,854
You're so old
and out of touch, Donaghy.
355
00:13:03,856 --> 00:13:08,341
I might as well be looking
at Justin Timberlake.
356
00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:35,379
I quit, cows.
Tell your husbands I tried.
357
00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:38,215
How'd you get these DNA results
back so fast?
358
00:13:38,217 --> 00:13:39,917
I happen to have
some very powerful friends
359
00:13:39,919 --> 00:13:41,218
at the Maury Povich show.
360
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:42,886
Kaylie's
not Hank's granddaughter.
361
00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:45,689
I knew it.
362
00:13:45,691 --> 00:13:48,576
Would you like to...
363
00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:49,994
Do the honors?
364
00:13:52,782 --> 00:13:55,082
Look how far
we've come, Jack.
365
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:57,901
From enemies
to partners to who knows.
366
00:13:57,903 --> 00:13:59,587
Come on, let's get
a couple of wines in you
367
00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:02,623
and just start wrestling.
368
00:14:04,409 --> 00:14:07,344
Yeah, the whole cabin vibe
wasn't working for me.
369
00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:09,213
And this movie cannot take place
in Maryland
370
00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:11,415
because of my ongoing feud
with Cal ripken.
371
00:14:11,417 --> 00:14:13,183
Blargh.
I'm Liz Lemon.
372
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:15,352
I'm in charge!
Nerds!
373
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:17,137
I want to have a baby.
374
00:14:17,139 --> 00:14:20,024
My boyfriend
is a pilot or something.
375
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:21,358
Sandwiches.
376
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:24,194
So you want to be
the crazy one.
377
00:14:24,196 --> 00:14:27,231
Nuh.
I'll show you crazy.
378
00:14:29,284 --> 00:14:33,404
I'm a Jedi.
379
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:36,440
I'm not coming
to work tomorrow.
380
00:14:40,161 --> 00:14:42,379
Gentlemen...
Actually, Jack,
381
00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:45,749
I've decided to continue living
as Jan Foster.
382
00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:48,452
It's just in all these years
as a P.I.,
383
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:52,173
I think my greatest disguise
was len wazniak.
384
00:14:52,208 --> 00:14:55,254
Tomorrow, the sun rises on
a new day on Kabletown,
385
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:58,206
for America and for all of us.
386
00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,255
To victory.
387
00:15:02,463 --> 00:15:05,048
Kaylie, how do I not seen you to join
us?
388
00:15:05,168 --> 00:15:07,049
I know what's past your bad time.
389
00:15:07,137 --> 00:15:09,518
This party's lame. Let's go Kaylie.
390
00:15:09,521 --> 00:15:11,630
Devin? What are you doing here?
391
00:15:12,475 --> 00:15:13,475
And Mr. Foster?
392
00:15:13,489 --> 00:15:14,489
Hi honey!
393
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,093
It's 20% of
your midterm grade.
394
00:15:17,095 --> 00:15:18,795
I don't understand.
395
00:15:18,797 --> 00:15:20,463
Well, let me explain.
396
00:15:20,465 --> 00:15:22,665
Banks is on my side,
397
00:15:22,667 --> 00:15:25,802
and Ms. Foster
is a private investigator
398
00:15:25,804 --> 00:15:27,670
- I hired to follow you.
- Was a private investigator,
399
00:15:27,672 --> 00:15:29,355
is a drama teacher,
400
00:15:29,357 --> 00:15:31,024
and, as of last night,
401
00:15:31,026 --> 00:15:32,842
engaged to Ms. Siegal.
402
00:15:32,844 --> 00:15:34,844
So I know Hank Jr.
Isn't your father.
403
00:15:34,846 --> 00:15:37,447
And now so does...
404
00:15:37,449 --> 00:15:39,816
Your pop-pop.
405
00:15:39,818 --> 00:15:42,285
Game over, Kaylie.
406
00:15:45,540 --> 00:15:47,991
"Game over, Kaylie."
407
00:15:49,828 --> 00:15:51,494
This was too easy, Jack.
408
00:15:51,496 --> 00:15:52,545
Banks, what are you doing?
409
00:15:52,547 --> 00:15:54,631
FYI
Kaylie is my best friend,
410
00:15:54,633 --> 00:15:56,166
so I sit next to her
at the movies.
411
00:15:56,168 --> 00:15:57,467
Why can't she just sit
in the middle?
412
00:15:57,469 --> 00:15:59,752
Jack...
413
00:15:59,754 --> 00:16:01,588
Sweet, sweet Jack.
414
00:16:01,590 --> 00:16:03,006
You wanted this so badly,
415
00:16:03,008 --> 00:16:05,391
you were willing
to believe anything...
416
00:16:05,393 --> 00:16:07,143
That Devin
would team up with you,
417
00:16:07,145 --> 00:16:08,711
that I wouldn't notice
miss Foster
418
00:16:08,713 --> 00:16:11,514
sit on her testicles
the other day,
419
00:16:11,516 --> 00:16:12,715
that my father is gay.
420
00:16:12,717 --> 00:16:15,351
I am Hank Hooper's
granddaughter, Jack.
421
00:16:15,353 --> 00:16:17,237
But what about the DNA,
the glass?
422
00:16:17,239 --> 00:16:20,273
You mean the glass I stole
from Jenna's dressing room?
423
00:16:27,564 --> 00:16:29,415
That was Jenna's DNA, Jack.
424
00:16:29,417 --> 00:16:32,568
So Jenna is an Ashkenazi Jew
with an extra "Y" chromosome?
425
00:16:32,570 --> 00:16:34,370
- What's that, now?
- It was so simple.
426
00:16:34,372 --> 00:16:35,905
And when you made
your move with Jenna,
427
00:16:35,907 --> 00:16:37,907
all I had to do
was see straight through it,
428
00:16:37,909 --> 00:16:39,676
come back here,
and plant that glass.
429
00:16:39,678 --> 00:16:41,594
You got the DNA results
you were hoping for
430
00:16:41,596 --> 00:16:44,547
and sent them
straight to pop-pop.
431
00:16:44,549 --> 00:16:46,099
This is why everyone
hates you, Jack.
432
00:16:46,101 --> 00:16:48,218
We were all talking
about it before at the mall.
433
00:16:48,220 --> 00:16:50,687
How do you think old
Hank Hooper's gonna take that...
434
00:16:50,689 --> 00:16:53,556
You attempting
to destroy his family?
435
00:16:53,558 --> 00:16:56,592
There's nothing pop-pop
cares more about than family.
436
00:16:56,594 --> 00:16:58,528
God,
what have I done?
437
00:16:58,530 --> 00:17:00,196
Goodbye, Jack.
438
00:17:00,198 --> 00:17:01,531
See you never.
439
00:17:01,533 --> 00:17:04,450
Yeah, Jack.
See you never.
440
00:17:04,452 --> 00:17:07,487
Last word.
441
00:17:09,456 --> 00:17:13,626
Yes, I suppose that's one way
this could have played out.
442
00:17:13,628 --> 00:17:15,795
But there are
other possibilities.
443
00:17:15,797 --> 00:17:18,798
Hypothetically, what if
I never trusted banks at all?
444
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:22,051
What if I knew len would be
the worst mole ever?
445
00:17:22,053 --> 00:17:23,636
I'll tell him
you said that.
446
00:17:23,638 --> 00:17:26,472
And what if I knew
the DNA gambit was bait
447
00:17:26,474 --> 00:17:28,725
and I never sent in
those test results at all?
448
00:17:28,727 --> 00:17:30,310
Well, that's impossible.
449
00:17:30,312 --> 00:17:33,346
I mailed them myself.
Did you?
450
00:17:37,935 --> 00:17:39,903
Okay.
451
00:17:39,905 --> 00:17:41,771
So you didn't do anything
at all.
452
00:17:41,773 --> 00:17:43,072
Well, that's idiotic.
453
00:17:43,074 --> 00:17:44,941
Kabletown board
is meeting tomorrow,
454
00:17:44,943 --> 00:17:47,577
and you've done nothing
to change pop-pop's mind.
455
00:17:47,579 --> 00:17:49,245
You just wasted a whole week.
456
00:17:49,247 --> 00:17:50,479
Not quite, Kaylie,
457
00:17:50,481 --> 00:17:53,499
because I did send something
to Hank...
458
00:17:56,653 --> 00:17:58,254
A birthday card.
459
00:17:58,256 --> 00:18:00,123
- My God. No.
- Yes.
460
00:18:00,125 --> 00:18:01,758
You see, there is one thing
461
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,961
Hank cares about
as much as family...
462
00:18:04,963 --> 00:18:06,596
Birthdays.
463
00:18:06,598 --> 00:18:09,182
So what did you send him,
Kaylie?
464
00:18:09,184 --> 00:18:10,883
I'm not the one
who wasted a week.
465
00:18:10,885 --> 00:18:12,101
While I distracted you,
466
00:18:12,103 --> 00:18:14,637
you forgot
Pop-Pop's 70th birthday.
467
00:18:15,941 --> 00:18:17,173
Midnight.
468
00:18:17,175 --> 00:18:18,507
You missed it.
469
00:18:18,509 --> 00:18:19,943
And how do you think
470
00:18:19,945 --> 00:18:21,778
old Hank Hooper's
gonna take that, Kaylie?
471
00:18:33,325 --> 00:18:35,359
Wonderful.
472
00:18:38,045 --> 00:18:41,331
You sent him something,
right, Kaylie?
473
00:18:41,333 --> 00:18:42,665
Kaylie?
474
00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:44,801
I lost.
475
00:18:44,803 --> 00:18:48,554
After college, I'm gonna have
to go into publishing and...
476
00:18:48,556 --> 00:18:52,225
Marry a finance guy and...
477
00:18:52,227 --> 00:18:55,478
Do charity stuff.
478
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,514
Damn you, Donaghy.
479
00:19:07,741 --> 00:19:09,058
What a loser.
480
00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:10,843
You had me mail
that birthday card.
481
00:19:10,845 --> 00:19:12,445
That didn't need to happen.
482
00:19:12,447 --> 00:19:15,498
That was just mean.
483
00:19:21,672 --> 00:19:22,789
What's going on here?
484
00:19:22,791 --> 00:19:24,257
And where did you get
that sweater?
485
00:19:24,259 --> 00:19:26,376
Is that from chico's
harvest naturals collection?
486
00:19:26,378 --> 00:19:28,211
Octavia Spencer got arrested
for soliciting sex
487
00:19:28,213 --> 00:19:30,013
from an undercover police dog.
488
00:19:30,015 --> 00:19:32,799
I had to shut down
my whole movie because of her.
489
00:19:32,801 --> 00:19:34,917
She turned out to be
a Tracy Jordan.
490
00:19:34,919 --> 00:19:37,353
So, to deal with her,
I tried to be a Liz Lemon.
491
00:19:37,355 --> 00:19:38,805
Yeah, well,
being Liz Lemon
492
00:19:38,807 --> 00:19:40,756
isn't just about wearing
a sweater and...
493
00:19:40,758 --> 00:19:43,026
Hey, those are my glasses.
494
00:19:43,028 --> 00:19:45,361
And you popped
the lenses out?
495
00:19:45,363 --> 00:19:46,779
No, they shattered
in a urinal.
496
00:19:46,781 --> 00:19:48,597
L.L., I don't know
how you do it.
497
00:19:48,599 --> 00:19:50,616
I couldn't hack it
with octavia for one day.
498
00:19:50,618 --> 00:19:53,369
And you've been getting amazing,
thought-provoking work out of me
499
00:19:53,371 --> 00:19:55,204
for seven years.
500
00:19:56,607 --> 00:19:57,790
Thanks, Tray.
501
00:19:57,792 --> 00:19:59,158
I mean, it hasn't been easy.
502
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:00,576
When you first came
into my life,
503
00:20:00,578 --> 00:20:03,046
you were out of control,
and you had horrible habits.
504
00:20:03,048 --> 00:20:04,048
Like my booger-eating?
505
00:20:04,049 --> 00:20:06,165
Please, let me just have one.
506
00:20:06,167 --> 00:20:07,616
I need it, baby.
507
00:20:07,618 --> 00:20:09,052
Taking care of you
has been exhausting.
508
00:20:09,054 --> 00:20:11,454
You'd fight me
and have temper tantrums,
509
00:20:11,456 --> 00:20:14,457
and I'd have to stay up
all night 'cause you were sick.
510
00:20:14,459 --> 00:20:16,125
Hey, those lego men
were on a rescue mission
511
00:20:16,127 --> 00:20:18,811
to save the other lego men
that I swallowed.
512
00:20:18,813 --> 00:20:20,480
But as problematic
as you were,
513
00:20:20,482 --> 00:20:22,598
I had no choice
but to make it work.
514
00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:25,268
Elizibart,
you are an amazing woman.
515
00:20:25,270 --> 00:20:28,237
Seriously,
if you can take care of me,
516
00:20:28,239 --> 00:20:31,274
you can do anything.
517
00:20:33,977 --> 00:20:37,580
Hey, remember that thing
we talked about the other day,
518
00:20:37,582 --> 00:20:38,664
about adopting an older kid?
519
00:20:38,666 --> 00:20:39,832
Well, I want to do it.
520
00:20:39,834 --> 00:20:41,834
Bitch, more than one person
works here.
521
00:20:41,836 --> 00:20:43,836
- Who is this?
- It's Elizabeth Lemon.
522
00:20:43,838 --> 00:20:46,172
Who?
523
00:20:48,136 --> 00:20:50,221
- Action.
- Every dream begins with a...
524
00:20:50,272 --> 00:20:52,106
- Line?
- Dreamer.
525
00:20:52,140 --> 00:20:54,525
- Action.
- You have within you...
526
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:55,693
Line?
527
00:20:55,727 --> 00:20:57,612
- Strength and...
- I got it. I got it.
528
00:20:57,646 --> 00:20:59,530
Line?
529
00:20:59,565 --> 00:21:01,485
Yo, Mizz, what's the name
of that crazy-ass place
530
00:21:01,516 --> 00:21:02,516
we went last night?
531
00:21:02,534 --> 00:21:03,534
Bed bath & beyond.
532
00:21:03,535 --> 00:21:04,702
We went beyond.
533
00:21:04,736 --> 00:21:06,536
- And action.
- Line?