(MUSIC PLAYING)
(COUGHS)
Ripped By mstoll
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Three, four,
five, six,
seven, eight.
(KEYS JINGLING)
One, two, three,
four, five, six,
seven, eight.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
I just can't stop thinking about Jessa, you know?
Like, where is she? What is she wearing? Is it linen?
What language is she speaking, you know?
Is she in a tropical climate, or, like, somewhere up high?
Oh, my God. Is she warm enough?
She's warm enough. She's definitely warm enough.
Honestly, she's probably better off than any of us.
She's a fucking hustler, you know? And not in the positive sense of that word.
I just... I miss her so much. Will you hold these?
Shosh, you're falling for this. This is what she does.
She, like, fucks shit up, leaves,
and blames it on, like, her marriage, or her relationship with her dad.
But, like, this is what she does. This is classic Jessa.
I just don't think Hannah seems to care.
She does care. She's just working really hard on her book.
Oh, my God. We totally forgot to talk about Charlie selling his app, Forbid.
Wait, what? Charlie has an app?
- Yeah. - Yeah. Forbid.
He sold it to, like, a very esteemed business tycoon for, like, a very large sum of money,
and now he has a corner office in said tycoon's Chelsea building
with, like, 11 employees.
- Charlie has a company? - Yeah.
He's basically become a bougie nightmare.
I'm sorry. I have to go.
We may never see her again.
I do not trust anyone anymore. Seriously, like, the fabric of life is just...
- Radhika! - Oh, my God. Shoshanna?
- Radhika! - Shoshie!
Oh, my God. Radhika!
Radhi... You're rollerblading.
- Aren't these so funny and vintage? - (CHUCKLES) Vintage.
You're about to make me cry, and I don't even know you.
This is my boyfriend, Ray.
Oh, love it.
Now I know where you've been all summer.
Um, I mean, like, what do you mean?
I've... I'm, like, right here. You know, I haven't... I've been here.
Well, I'm just so happy to see you.
You guys should come to my impromptu tonight.
We will so come to your party. Oh, my God.
Great, I'll text you the deets.
I'm going to J.Crew. I'm going shopping, and I'm gonna be so late.
- Oh, love you. - Bye, lovie.
- Kisses. Bye. - Bye.
She's the richest Hindi I know.
We are not going to that party tonight.
Why?
I don't even know where to begin explaining that to you.
Um, do I need to explain to you that she said, "I know where you have been all summer"?
Okay, seriously?
I am a girl who has found love and then disappeared,
and my worst nightmare is that someone knows or thinks that I've died when I haven't,
and I'm living that.
First of all, you know I don't like it when you use air quotes.
Pantomime to express your emotions is a crutch.
We've talked about that.
Secondly, I'm a 33-year-old man.
It's creepy for me to go to a college party. You have to understand that.
I think it's creepy for a college senior to go to a college party.
Okay, well, I don't think it's creepy, and I'm going.
Okay, well, fine. Have a good time.
- Fine. - Fine.
(GROANS)
Shosh!
I would like to thank everybody that spoke this afternoon.
Now, final order of business.
Next week's cookies.
I've been the only person buying cookies for the last three or four weeks.
And it might be nice if somebody else decided to step up and buy a batch.
Aw, come on, guys.
- It's part of the deal. - Hi, I'm Adam, and I'm an alcoholic.
GROUP: Hi, Adam.
- Um... - Hi, Adam.
I've been sober since I was 17.
Um...
I knew I had a problem pretty early on,
and I dealt with it because I didn't want to wait and I knew it would just get worse.
I felt pretty solid after I stopped drinking.
I stopped coming to as many meetings, but lately, I haven't felt so solid anymore, so...
I had this girlfriend who at first I didn't like very much.
Or I didn't take her very seriously, I guess.
She just seemed like, you know, a piece of ass.
But she was persistent, man.
And she just hung around and hung around, and showed up at my place.
And gradually, it started to feel better when she was there.
It wasn't love the way I imagined it.
I just felt weird if I didn't know what she was up to or whatever.
And I liked knowing that she was just gonna be there and warm and staying the night.
And she acted like I was teaching her everything about fucking history, about sex.
She didn't know what street Central Park started on or how to use soap,
and I showed her.
And I wanted that chance to show someone everything.
But she changed her mind about me, and it was that fast.
I'm just so exhausted.
Okay.
And I'll bring cookies.
I don't really like cookies that much, so don't get mad at me if I bring the wrong shit.
Thank you, Adam.
So Adam's bringing the cookies.
Honey.
- Me? - Yeah, you.
Yeah, uh, hi.
Oh, my, God's teeth. You are tall.
- Yeah, I'm a little taller than average, yeah. - (LAUGHS)
- How tall are you, 6'2"? - 6'3"
Ha!
That's a very respectable height. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's good.
I'm en... I'm enjoying it, yeah.
Yeah, listen. I gotta tell ya.
I'm just gonna tell ya. I'm very impressed by you. Your honesty.
I want you to meet my daughter.
I want you to.
Really, I don't even usually encourage her dating because she is a very nice, busy girl.
But God damn if you're not cuter than a dimple on a bug's ass.
- (CHUCKLES) Jesus Christ. - Ha!
- Oh, thank you. - (LAUGHS) Yeah.
- That was scary. - (BOTH LAUGH)
- Really? But I like you. - No.
Oh, thanks... Thanks.
- Um, uh, no. - Wonderful.
So you'll give her a call. You'll give her a call. Her name is Natalia.
I will tell her that you'll be calling her. I'll tell her you'll be calling her.
Oh, you've got a phone, right?
Yes, I do. I do have a phone.
Fabulous.
I mean fabulous.
- Fabulous. - Fabulous.
Yeah.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
MAN: So, I'm gonna have my assistant send over the new Jack Johnson album.
- You're gonna love it. - Nah, dude, that's all right.
- I'm not too into... - Trust me, you're gonna love it, okay?
- And when you love it, we're going the 29th. - All right.
- Take care. - Okay, see ya.
(CHUCKLES) Funny.
Excuse me, can I help you?
Mindy, how is the Rothberry account? Did that go well?
- There is no Rothberry account. - You're just making stuff up now?
You're such a good employee. All right, I'll see you later.
Yo.
Hi.
Hi, this message is for Natalia.
Uh, I'm Adam Sackler.
Your mother, Cloris, gave me your number and suggested that I call you.
So, here I am.
Um...
So... Hello!
Hello, yes, hi. This is a fucking landline.
Whoa.
Oh, you would. Great.
Great.
Yes, I'll call you back with a spot.
You'll know me. I'm very tall and, uh, semi-dashing.
Your mother said you had great, um, teeth, so I'll be lookin' at you like a creep.
Okay.
Yes, nice to talk to you.
Adíos.
I'll be staring at you like a creep, 'cause I'm a creep.
Hi, Natalia. I'm a creep.
Fuck.
This place is crazy.
Yeah, well, it's the guy that bought the app. He had the extra space for us.
Oh, I see.
So, what, you were just in the neighborhood?
Yeah, yeah. I was just running some errands.
I mean, Chelsea's really, really central, and then I was like,
"I have an appointment after and I haven't seen you in a while,"
so I just thought, "Why don't I just stop by?"
- And so I just, like... - Yeah.
- ...you know, I figured out where it was and... - All right.
- Okay, are you okay? - Yeah.
Okay, 'cause you seem kind of all over the place. I don't know.
No, no, no. I'm just here for support.
Yeah? From me or for me?
- What? - Okay, so that's my office there.
There's the kitchen there. Free candy.
I'm not really that into it, but it makes people happy.
- That's so cool. - You know?
- That's very cool. - It's pretty cool.
- Yeah? Oh. - Charlie, when you have a moment,
I have some mock-ups of the interface that I think are closer to what you imagined.
Oh, rad. Okay, cool.
I'll be there in, like, one minute, Marla. Thank you.
Yep.
What is she working on?
Uh, well, we're developing these other apps in the vein of Forbid.
I don't know, people are really responding
to software that protects them from themselves, you know, or other people.
I'm sorry to be so behind the times, but what exactly does Forbid do?
- Hey, Charlie. - Um, oh... Hey.
Uh...
It prevents you from calling people that you shouldn't call,
be it a unrequited love or someone that fired you.
But if you want to call them, then you have to pay $10 to un-forbid.
Got it.
So the app is free, but breaking your word to yourself isn't.
- That's smart. - Yeah, yeah.
Well, I mean, you were the inspiration, actually.
I started it right after we first broke up.
That's weird. (CHUCKLES)
No. I mean, it makes sense.
I don't know. At least it turned out really well for you, right?
No, I mean, everything turned out great. Yeah. It's awesome.
Yeah. I mean, I hope you got paid a lot of money for it.
- They paid me a shitload. - Good.
- No, it's not that much. But enough. - Oh.
- Good. - Yeah.
Do you need money? Is that why you're here?
- Oh, my God, no. - (SIREN BLARING)
Charlie.
- What? Oh, my God. - Charlie.
Oh, fuck. Yes, that's right. We gotta go do this.
What's happening?
Oh, uh, the office next door, they're doing a lip-dub thing for their YouTube channel.
- Lip-dub. - Yeah, sorry.
(MUSIC BLARING)
- Okay. - Yes.
Lip-dub.
Come on!
Where is she?
I always factor in a Hannah cushion of 15 to 45 minutes.
Oh, oh, oh.
- Hi. - Hi.
Sorry I'm late. I was working.
Oh, well, if you get in the zone, you get in the zone.
No fears, bro.
We had such a good time at the museum yesterday.
And today was the commencement address at the conference.
It has been such an awesome conference.
I never thought I'd meet so many other women
that feel the same way I do about Ann Patchett.
What about Ann Patchett?
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING)
Holy shit.
Oh, my God. I love my mom. (CHUCKLES)
I'm excited about Judy Collins. Judy is so timeless.
I'm just as happy now to see her perform as when I was in my barefoot days.
(LAUGHS)
You guys, things are going really, really well with my book.
You know, my first pages are due next week, and I've gotten a lot done,
so I feel like if I continue at this rate, then...
I'm gonna get there quickly with the book.
- What's up, honey? - Loreen.
Nothing, I'm just telling you about my book.
- You're counting to eight. - Loreen.
No, she's counting.
- Maybe after the show. - No, I'm not.
I'm not.
Look, if your head is filling up and you're getting count-y, we need to know.
We can help you, but not if you don't let us know.
Well, how would you help me?
If it was going on, theoretically, which it isn't, so I don't need help.
We'd bring you home for a little bit and get you straightened out with Doctor...
- Schupak. - Schupak.
With your OCD.
Dr. Schupak is a pediatrician, okay? And I don't have OCD.
If I did have OCD, I would tell you because I wouldn't be able to hold that in.
Sweetie, you're not holding it in.
I'm not holding it in 'cause I don't have to hold it in because it's not going on, Mom.
And if it was, don't you think that I would say something to you about it?
Okay, it hurts me more than it hurts you.
I'm the one who has to experience it, not you. I'm the one who has to experience it.
You think we didn't experience it?
You think we didn't suffer, worrying about whether you'd have a normal life?
- Mom. - No. We don't know why you had OCD.
We don't know why. I mean, we're still married.
- We never raised a hand to you. - Of course not.
- It's not our fault. - TAD: Okay.
Well, it's genetic, which is sort of the ultimate your fault, so...
Oh, come on.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
will you please welcome back to Café Carlyle Miss Judy Collins.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) - TAD: Oh.
Thank you so much.
Sometimes I remember the old days
When the world was filled with sorrow
You might've thought I was livin'
I was all alone
In my heart, the rain was falling
The wind blew, the night was callin'
Come back, come back
I'm all you've ever known
No, I work with a private eye.
- You work for a private eye? - Yeah.
And I love it, because, you know, sometimes, he uses me as the decoy.
- No fuckin' way. - Mmm, yes, way.
He lets me be the girl that distracts, you know?
Like, at a bar or something, so he can collect documents.
- Unreal. - Mmm-hmm.
- Is that why you're here now, as a decoy? - (LAUGHS)
No, I'm here because my mom said that you were a very nice boy with a fresh look.
- Well, I like your mom. - (BOTH LAUGHING)
She's very, uh, ferocious.
She... Yes, that's one word for it. Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
You're very easy to talk to.
I thought this was gonna suck ass, but you're very easy to talk to.
Okay, good. (CHUCKLES)
That's great. I just... I think that dating is awful.
I just don't understand people who can go out with someone and be so relaxed about it.
I know, I can't be relaxed. I'm fucking sweating bullets over here.
- (LAUGHING) - I've had to pee for the past 30 minutes.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Miss?
Miss? Who are you here to see?
Oh, uh, sorry. Radhika, G78.
Of course. Radhika's a party girl.
You have a lovely evening.
Um...
Thank, thank... You, too.
And is looking for his fun
Someday soon I'm going with him
Someday soon
My parents, they can't stand him
'Cause he works the rodeo
My father says that he
Will leave me cryin'
Oh, I would follow him right down...
What the fuck? She just hit me, like, five times.
It was eight times.
Someday soon
Honey, where are you going?
When he comes to call my pa
He ain't got a good word to say
You are fine and good. You are fine and good. You are fine and good. You are fine and good.
You are good and fine. You are good and fine. You are good and fine. You are good and fine.
So, I mean, you know, it's just, like, between me and Marnie and Ray,
it's kind of like an orphanage, you know what I mean?
Do not get me wrong, I love Ray.
And it's like... It's great having Marnie around
when I'm not solving her life, which is, like, all the time.
But it's just like, when is Shosh time?
- You know? - Yeah.
Anyways, I've just been thinking a lot about growing up recently,
and, like, I realized that I'm always gonna be surrounded by people.
Like, always. And they're always gonna need something from me.
Like, if it's not my boss,
it'll be my husband, or it'll be my kids, or, like, my Aunt Eileen, who has no one,
and I'm gonna have to, like, coddle and feed her when she gets older, you know?
So, like, I just think that this living experience is, like, a really great opportunity
to learn what it's gonna be like when I'm an adult.
When my kids actually need things from me, like, when I have to clothe and feed them...
- And, like, it's... - Hey, asshole.
Literally, the one thing I told you was not to ash in my mermaid.
Ugh!
You leaving already?
Uh, yeah.
It's not a cool vibe up there?
Um, it's... No, it's, like... It's fine. I think I'm just not...
- I think I'm not a party person. - Me neither.
Really?
Well, I'm more into clubs and stuff.
Um...
- Yeah. Yeah, me, too. Totally into clubs. - That's maybe where I've seen you.
I feel like I've seen you in a club or something.
I mean, that's, like... Yeah.
That's really possible that you've seen me at a club.
That's, like, totally possible.
What's your name?
Shoshanna.
That's a nice name.
I never heard it before. Is it, like, Muslim or something?
Sort of.
I'm sorry if this is, like, really insulting,
but you're, like, really good-looking for a doorman.
Thank you. I think you're beautiful.
Um, thank you, too. Thank you.
- What happens if you leave the door? - Nothing, nothing.
A tranny walked in last time and he was just walking around the floors, but it was nothing.
It was... I swear to God.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
Where's Shosh?
She's at a party.
Navigating her way through the folds of pure conformity.
Charlie is living the dream.
I thought he was gonna be broken for, like, at least six years.
I, like, mentally budgeted six years of brokenness.
He's not broken at all.
And it just proves to me, like, it doesn't matter how right you do things.
Because you know who end up living their dreams are, like, sad messes like Charlie.
And the people who end up flailing behind are people like me who have their shit together.
Marnie learned another life lesson. How adorable.
- (BAG CRINKLES) - Want a gummy frog?
Ugh!
I'm gonna have you retrieve that when you're less upset.
Okay, look.
You're mad because you want what he has.
So stop thinking and start doing that.
I don't understand.
- Okay, Marnie... - I don't understand.
What's your dream, hmm?
What do you really, really wanna do?
You wanna be a curator?
- Open up a small gallery - (GROANS)
in an old burrito factory.
You wanna be a mother? Get fucking pregnant.
Oh, my God.
Turn this potential energy into kinetic energy.
Stop being a cartographer, and become an explorer.
What do you really want to do? What's your dream?
- Stop thinking. Just tell me. What is it? - Just yell it out?
What are you feeling? What's inside of you? Just tell me...
I wanna sing.
What's the second thing you wanna do?
That's my dream.
To sing?
Yes.
Okay. That's not the road I thought you were gonna take here, but okay. (STUTTERS)
- Let me hear something. - Oh, now you wanna hear me sing?
Just a few bars. Just let me hear something.
- Just give me a little... - (GROANS)
Okay, give me a second. (CLEARS THROAT)
(HUMS)
(SINGING)
Okay, it's getting a little too intimate for me, so I'm gonna stop you there,
but your voice is... It's nice.
Thank you.
Marnie, if you wanna sing, if you really wanna sing,
then you have to sing, and you have to do it now.
- You're never gonna look this good again. - Thank you.
The clay is drying, okay?
You can't dress like a magician's assistant for very much longer.
Now is the time... If you wanna sing, then you should sing now. Right now.
Not at this moment, right now. I mean, like, in general...
- Well, be more fucking specific. - I thought it was obvious.
(SIGHS)
- I can't fucking believe this. - Yeah, well...
This isn't exactly how we wanted to spend our visit, either.
You know, this guy helped Sharon Klingman's son...
- He was an arsonist, Dad. - Yeah.
- He strapped frogs to rockets. - Oh.
Okay, he was deeply disturbed.
I don't know how he got into college. I'm not supposed to be here.
Look, after this, why don't...
We'll just head downtown to Serendipity's and we'll have ice-cream sundaes,
and we'll kind of just... We'll talk...
- I'm not hungry. - Okay.
Did you hear that, Mom? I said I'm not hungry.
- She heard that. - Maybe I'm anorexic.
Oh, God. Maybe we should see another specialist.
Come on, now.
You're not anorexic. That's ridiculous. I've seen you in a bathing suit.
Tad.
- She was kidding. - Oh.
Yeah.
Like I didn't know that.
(SIGHS)
HANNAH: I mean, this hasn't happened since high school.
- And it was very bad in high school? - Yeah, I mean, it was pretty bad.
I counted stuff. It was bad.
What did you count?
Uh...
Every pulse in my vagina. Um...
I would force myself to see things on a loop of eight.
Like, sexual things, murder things.
So, it was really a classical presentation.
Well, okay.
Then I guess it's classic to have to masturbate eight or 16 times a night
until your legs shake and you're crying,
and you're trying to make sure that your parents didn't hear you,
so you check their door eight times, then you move your toothbrush 64 times,
then you move your dad's toothbrush 64 times,
then you go back and forth between the two,
moving each one eight times until you've reached 64 times,
but then you realize that that doesn't feel quite right either,
and suddenly it's 3:00 in the morning, and you're fucking exhausted,
and you go to school the next day looking like a zombie.
It's classical.
Anyway, I took medicine, so...
Are you taking medicine now?
- Mmm-mmm. - Why?
Uh, because it made me tired.
- How tired? - Very tired.
So, why are your parents so worried, do you think?
Uh, because they think I seem anxious.
Do you have a reason to be anxious?
Um, I went through a breakup about a month ago.
And was that stressful?
Uh, yeah. It was pretty stressful.
He acted very crazy and not normal. And he's still trying to contact me, so...
- And that was unwanted? - Uh, in some ways.
I can't really decide if he's the greatest person in the world or the worst,
and I should probably take my space till I figure that out, according to everybody, so...
Also, I don't really think you would understand any of my problems
because you seem like
you have a tremendous amount of willpower and general togetherness.
And why do you say that?
(CHUCKLES) Well, I'm not gonna, like, give you a compliment now.
I have a book deal.
I don't know if my mom told you that,
that it's a really important professional moment for me.
Well, that's just really tremendously stressful. I mean, no wonder, you know?
Have you written a book?
Yes, mmm-hmm.
Was it a therapeutic text?
No.
Was it a memoir?
No, it was about a dog, a little boy and his bionic dog.
- Your book's about a bionic dog? - Yes, mmm-hmm.
Every book, he would save the world from disaster.
I think we sold about...
Yeah, we sold two and a half million copies.
I will really do anything you say if you just tell my parents that I'm okay.
Are you?
I hate it when you look so concerned about me.
(SONG PLAYING)
Ripped By mstoll