1 00:00:01,691 --> 00:00:03,455 In the spring of 2013, 2 00:00:03,483 --> 00:00:06,446 Barney and Robin were just weeks away from tying the knot. 3 00:00:06,586 --> 00:00:09,321 But there were still some pretty big issues they hadn't agreed on. 4 00:00:09,500 --> 00:00:10,897 Adoption. 5 00:00:11,089 --> 00:00:12,090 I don't know. 6 00:00:12,896 --> 00:00:14,164 It's the only thing that makes sense. 7 00:00:14,176 --> 00:00:16,577 I can't... I can't believe you're not open to it. 8 00:00:17,022 --> 00:00:19,273 Okay. Let's try it. 9 00:00:20,125 --> 00:00:22,793 Nope, it doesn't work with 27 down. 10 00:00:24,781 --> 00:00:28,165 Hey, with the wedding so close, maybe we should talk about 11 00:00:28,190 --> 00:00:29,606 where we're going to live. 12 00:00:29,623 --> 00:00:31,700 Fine, enough. Stop begging. 13 00:00:31,725 --> 00:00:33,589 We'll live here. But you owe me. 14 00:00:33,623 --> 00:00:35,277 Yeah, I don't know... 15 00:00:35,295 --> 00:00:38,826 there's just a lot of things I don't totally love about your apartment. 16 00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:40,050 Like what? 17 00:00:40,156 --> 00:00:41,838 Well, for example, why is 18 00:00:41,863 --> 00:00:44,808 your bed on what look like train tracks? 19 00:00:46,279 --> 00:00:49,251 You were wonderful. 20 00:00:49,825 --> 00:00:52,710 Well, you don't get to be a state-certified orgasmologist 21 00:00:52,728 --> 00:00:54,533 without learning how to please a woman. 22 00:00:54,614 --> 00:00:56,858 You don't mind if I spend the night, do you? 23 00:00:57,014 --> 00:01:00,945 Um, how else are we gonna get to know each other on a deeper level? 24 00:01:01,319 --> 00:01:05,752 Excuse me, I just have to log tonight's orgasms with the licensing board. 25 00:01:19,757 --> 00:01:21,889 The Ho-be-gone Sleep System 26 00:01:22,064 --> 00:01:24,198 by Stinson, patent pending. 27 00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:26,924 What-what is on the other side of the wall? 28 00:01:26,954 --> 00:01:28,094 Where do the hos go? 29 00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:30,619 What am I, a contractor? 30 00:01:30,915 --> 00:01:33,264 We-we need to go into this marriage 31 00:01:33,407 --> 00:01:35,189 with a fresh start. 32 00:01:35,718 --> 00:01:38,955 What do you say we find a new place together? 33 00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:40,557 I love you. 34 00:01:40,713 --> 00:01:42,538 And if that will make you happy, 35 00:01:42,907 --> 00:01:44,251 then let's do it. 36 00:01:47,071 --> 00:01:50,838 Wow, so we need to find an apartment where I haven't banged someone? 37 00:01:51,284 --> 00:01:52,527 How do you feel about Cleveland? 38 00:01:52,552 --> 00:01:53,457 Ha, ha. 39 00:01:53,485 --> 00:01:54,971 Nope. Ted's mom. 40 00:01:55,355 --> 00:01:59,355 ♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x19 ♪ The Fortress Original Air Date on March 18, 2013 41 00:01:59,431 --> 00:02:04,431 == sync, corrected by elderman == Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 42 00:02:09,721 --> 00:02:11,261 Shh... 43 00:02:13,688 --> 00:02:16,151 Nice job filling in for Lily on Marvin's lullaby. 44 00:02:16,176 --> 00:02:18,832 Thanks, but I came in early on the horsie. 45 00:02:18,892 --> 00:02:20,158 Stupid! 46 00:02:20,536 --> 00:02:23,708 No, you really nailed all of Lily's parts. 47 00:02:23,992 --> 00:02:26,385 It's been three weeks since I have. 48 00:02:27,255 --> 00:02:30,012 I barely see her anymore 'cause of this new job. 49 00:02:30,966 --> 00:02:32,239 Well, you know what might cheer you up? 50 00:02:32,251 --> 00:02:33,026 Hmm? 51 00:02:33,056 --> 00:02:36,308 There's a new Woodworthy Manor on tonight. 52 00:02:36,410 --> 00:02:37,708 Woodworthy Manor 53 00:02:37,733 --> 00:02:40,056 was a show about an upper class English estate 54 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,763 at the beginning of the 20th century. 55 00:02:41,794 --> 00:02:43,970 My word! You can't possibly mean... 56 00:02:43,989 --> 00:02:45,098 But I do! 57 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:48,428 With the succession of Lady Eastbrooke to Viscountess of Marlyemead, 58 00:02:48,462 --> 00:02:50,438 our cousin Baldrick becomes... 59 00:02:50,472 --> 00:02:52,163 the Earl of Witherstead. - The Earl of Witherstead! 60 00:02:52,187 --> 00:02:55,480 I only posted that prediction 15 times on the forums! 61 00:02:55,652 --> 00:02:56,633 No, I can't. 62 00:02:56,652 --> 00:02:59,380 I promised Lily that I would wait and watch it with her. 63 00:02:59,490 --> 00:03:01,221 Problem is, the Captain. 64 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:03,984 Lily had just started a job as the art consultant 65 00:03:04,003 --> 00:03:06,236 for an eccentric billionaire, the Captain. 66 00:03:07,230 --> 00:03:09,419 Oh. 67 00:03:09,647 --> 00:03:10,780 Ahoy. 68 00:03:10,807 --> 00:03:12,575 There's a hot new artist in Red Hook. 69 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:13,406 He's molded 70 00:03:13,425 --> 00:03:17,023 world currency into a sculpture of a soulless plutocrat 71 00:03:17,047 --> 00:03:18,579 defecating on the poor. 72 00:03:18,617 --> 00:03:20,395 A scathing indictment of capitalism. 73 00:03:20,484 --> 00:03:21,808 I'll go as high as $200K 74 00:03:21,820 --> 00:03:23,844 as long as you think I can flip it for double in six months. 75 00:03:23,987 --> 00:03:25,357 Aye, aye, Cap'n. 76 00:03:25,376 --> 00:03:26,708 Sorry. 77 00:03:33,550 --> 00:03:34,497 Ahoy. 78 00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:37,554 Here's this gorgeously delicate impressionist still life, 79 00:03:37,572 --> 00:03:39,274 reminiscent of Monet's water lilies. 80 00:03:39,363 --> 00:03:40,243 Where is it? 81 00:03:40,261 --> 00:03:41,524 Rikers Island. 82 00:03:41,557 --> 00:03:43,897 The artist is serving two consecutive life sentences 83 00:03:43,909 --> 00:03:45,209 for aggravated homicide. 84 00:03:45,329 --> 00:03:48,285 I'm willing to go as high as six cartons of cigarettes 85 00:03:48,303 --> 00:03:50,187 and a jug of toilet wine. 86 00:03:50,516 --> 00:03:53,271 Is it a strain, feeling like a single dad at times? 87 00:03:53,289 --> 00:03:55,752 Sure, but Lily's been busting her butt at this new job. 88 00:03:55,764 --> 00:03:57,828 It's not like she's been out there partying. 89 00:03:57,858 --> 00:03:59,311 Man, I'm 'faced. 90 00:03:59,879 --> 00:04:01,390 I ate a ton of caviar, 91 00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:03,424 but it soaked up none of the champagne. 92 00:04:03,476 --> 00:04:05,359 - Mondays, right? - Yeah. 93 00:04:06,172 --> 00:04:07,356 When did you get glasses? 94 00:04:07,392 --> 00:04:08,674 Oh... 95 00:04:09,029 --> 00:04:11,240 you mean my glare reduction lunettes. 96 00:04:11,265 --> 00:04:13,424 Yeah. They help me discern genius 97 00:04:13,430 --> 00:04:14,754 from pretentious crap. 98 00:04:14,846 --> 00:04:17,647 Too bad you weren't wearing those glasses when you bought those glasses. 99 00:04:18,396 --> 00:04:20,014 Well, listen, baby, I-I'm just 100 00:04:20,032 --> 00:04:21,181 happy to see you. 101 00:04:21,217 --> 00:04:22,530 And if you're not too tired, 102 00:04:22,555 --> 00:04:25,161 maybe we could watch Woodworthy Manor tonight. 103 00:04:25,180 --> 00:04:26,164 I'd love to. 104 00:04:26,170 --> 00:04:28,604 Great! Because I've come up with a fun little game. 105 00:04:29,016 --> 00:04:30,454 I made figgy pudding 106 00:04:30,472 --> 00:04:32,307 and I put it in shot glasses. 107 00:04:32,338 --> 00:04:33,462 And every time they say, 108 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,862 "The dowager will be less than pleased," 109 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:36,780 you have to... 110 00:04:36,806 --> 00:04:37,953 Oh. 111 00:04:38,264 --> 00:04:39,263 Ugh... 112 00:04:39,808 --> 00:04:40,500 Ahoy. 113 00:04:40,518 --> 00:04:42,641 A seven-foot-tall cross-dressing Cambodian 114 00:04:42,671 --> 00:04:45,740 is throwing glitter and fish guts at a billboard on the B.Q.E. 115 00:04:45,839 --> 00:04:48,241 So he's some sort of conceptual painter? 116 00:04:48,265 --> 00:04:50,180 No, no, just a crazy person on the local news. 117 00:04:50,203 --> 00:04:52,738 I thought you might have a laugh. You're off the clock, relax. 118 00:04:54,631 --> 00:04:56,131 I must own it. 119 00:04:56,368 --> 00:04:58,044 Aye, aye, Cap'n. 120 00:05:00,391 --> 00:05:03,255 Hey, did you find a Realtor to sell this place yet? 121 00:05:03,492 --> 00:05:06,980 Robin, a Realtor's just gonna give it to the highest bidder. 122 00:05:07,111 --> 00:05:09,378 I need this place to go to someone worthy. 123 00:05:09,396 --> 00:05:11,502 And I've made some inquiries. 124 00:05:14,827 --> 00:05:16,218 Barney? 125 00:05:16,997 --> 00:05:18,685 My son. 126 00:05:19,401 --> 00:05:22,097 Barney, enough with the floating Jor-El head 127 00:05:22,115 --> 00:05:24,403 from the Fortress of Solitude in Superman, okay? 128 00:05:24,428 --> 00:05:25,328 It's getting old. 129 00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:29,195 I only use it to say really important stuff. 130 00:05:29,802 --> 00:05:31,125 Last time you used it to tell me 131 00:05:31,144 --> 00:05:33,953 Wendy's had introduced a spicy version of "The Baconator." 132 00:05:34,247 --> 00:05:36,228 Exactly. 133 00:05:36,813 --> 00:05:39,360 And now, my son... 134 00:05:39,811 --> 00:05:42,587 it is time for me to bestow on you... 135 00:05:42,611 --> 00:05:45,271 Can we just talk face-to-face like normal people? 136 00:05:45,321 --> 00:05:46,823 Ted, just... 137 00:05:46,860 --> 00:05:48,176 just... 138 00:05:48,654 --> 00:05:50,126 okay? 139 00:05:50,519 --> 00:05:52,219 My son, 140 00:05:52,696 --> 00:05:55,980 it is time for me to bestow on you... 141 00:05:59,211 --> 00:06:00,287 Close the door. 142 00:06:00,306 --> 00:06:01,096 No. This is... 143 00:06:01,127 --> 00:06:02,624 Oh, my God, can you just be cool? 144 00:06:02,653 --> 00:06:04,320 Once? Please? 145 00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:05,697 Just once? 146 00:06:05,791 --> 00:06:07,704 Can you just once be cool? 147 00:06:07,878 --> 00:06:09,161 Once? 148 00:06:09,275 --> 00:06:10,974 Please? 149 00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,204 My son... 150 00:06:18,515 --> 00:06:23,573 for many years this apartment has been my Fortress of Barnitude. 151 00:06:24,195 --> 00:06:27,883 But now the time has come for me to pass it on. 152 00:06:28,461 --> 00:06:31,271 Soon, this place will become 153 00:06:31,290 --> 00:06:35,365 your "Fortress of Soli-Ted." 154 00:06:35,409 --> 00:06:38,562 Barney, I wouldn't live here even if you scrubbed every inch of this place 155 00:06:38,575 --> 00:06:40,859 with Purell, amoxicillin and holy water. 156 00:06:42,493 --> 00:06:43,859 Fine. 157 00:06:44,183 --> 00:06:45,745 But I think we can both agree, 158 00:06:45,763 --> 00:06:48,429 it would be totally awesome to see my deal 159 00:06:48,454 --> 00:06:51,580 floating around all huge-like on the big Jor-El cam. 160 00:06:51,700 --> 00:06:53,500 Hold on. 161 00:06:53,696 --> 00:06:56,013 Now, it's a little cold here in the Fortress, 162 00:06:56,033 --> 00:06:57,103 so don't judge the si... 163 00:06:57,129 --> 00:06:58,245 Ted, wait. 164 00:06:58,728 --> 00:06:59,831 What did you... 165 00:06:59,850 --> 00:07:01,937 That's... okay, that's not funny. 166 00:07:02,487 --> 00:07:03,343 Ted, open the... 167 00:07:03,355 --> 00:07:05,326 Uh... walls closing in. 168 00:07:05,483 --> 00:07:07,150 I can't... can't breathe. 169 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:09,382 Must... 170 00:07:09,676 --> 00:07:11,461 show deal... 171 00:07:11,823 --> 00:07:13,437 on Jor-El cam... 172 00:07:13,556 --> 00:07:14,838 I can't... 173 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,530 Oh, well, guess I'm keeping this place forever, good night. 174 00:07:18,593 --> 00:07:20,144 Wait a... wait a minute, that's it? 175 00:07:20,175 --> 00:07:21,908 Ted wasn't interested in buying your apartment, 176 00:07:21,921 --> 00:07:23,542 so you just gave up? 177 00:07:23,881 --> 00:07:27,245 Barney, I gave up my beautiful two-bedroom apartment 178 00:07:27,270 --> 00:07:28,940 on the Upper West Side that was rent-free 179 00:07:28,953 --> 00:07:31,706 and the landlord hand-washed all my delicates. 180 00:07:32,282 --> 00:07:34,583 Which is probably why it was rent-free. 181 00:07:34,597 --> 00:07:35,759 The point is, 182 00:07:35,777 --> 00:07:37,169 I need to buy all new underwear, 183 00:07:37,181 --> 00:07:40,328 and you agreed that we would find a new place together. 184 00:07:40,470 --> 00:07:41,572 Oh, God, Barney, 185 00:07:41,603 --> 00:07:44,558 relationships are about trust and compromise. 186 00:07:44,576 --> 00:07:46,990 You can't just... Oh, you are so dead. 187 00:07:47,007 --> 00:07:50,321 If I ever figure a way out of here, I will make your life a living... 188 00:07:51,658 --> 00:07:53,374 Lily and I really need this night out. 189 00:07:53,392 --> 00:07:55,685 A big fancy dinner and the ballet. 190 00:07:55,818 --> 00:07:57,340 Thank you so much for babysitting. 191 00:07:57,365 --> 00:07:59,606 Hey, three bucks an hour, thank you. 192 00:08:03,465 --> 00:08:04,729 Oh, hey, baby. 193 00:08:04,747 --> 00:08:07,092 Yeah, I'm just on my way out. If you get there before... 194 00:08:08,787 --> 00:08:10,254 Come on, really? 195 00:08:10,478 --> 00:08:12,145 I'll see you later. 196 00:08:13,170 --> 00:08:14,345 Captain? 197 00:08:14,466 --> 00:08:16,210 I'm sorry, dude. But, hey, 198 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:17,456 look at it this way: 199 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,303 now you don't have to go to the ballet. 200 00:08:19,322 --> 00:08:21,506 Get your head out of your ass, Ted. There was no ballet. 201 00:08:21,537 --> 00:08:23,457 We were gonna sneak into your apartment and bang. 202 00:08:25,027 --> 00:08:28,253 Well, you know what might take both our minds off that? 203 00:08:28,873 --> 00:08:30,923 A little, uh... 204 00:08:31,218 --> 00:08:33,035 Woodworthy Manor. 205 00:08:34,419 --> 00:08:35,574 No, I-I-I can't. 206 00:08:35,593 --> 00:08:36,880 I-I promised Lily 207 00:08:36,914 --> 00:08:38,158 that I would wait and watch it with her. 208 00:08:38,188 --> 00:08:39,649 And I feel like I'd be cheating on her. 209 00:08:39,668 --> 00:08:41,660 Sure, sure, sure, sure, I get all that. 210 00:08:41,678 --> 00:08:43,354 It's just, um... 211 00:08:43,897 --> 00:08:46,521 You know, tonight they're gonna finally reveal 212 00:08:46,546 --> 00:08:48,679 who framed the chimney sweep 213 00:08:49,005 --> 00:08:52,424 for stealing Lord Stoutshire's gooseberries. 214 00:08:53,655 --> 00:08:56,310 And reveal the winner of the local gardening competition. 215 00:08:57,464 --> 00:09:00,330 I don't know how they're going to pack all that action into one episode. 216 00:09:06,284 --> 00:09:07,940 Oops. 217 00:09:10,117 --> 00:09:11,244 No, Ted, you know 218 00:09:11,268 --> 00:09:13,447 - I promised Lily, I... - Shh, shh, shh. 219 00:09:13,665 --> 00:09:15,375 Just let it happen. 220 00:09:15,968 --> 00:09:18,241 Later that week, Barney came home to discover 221 00:09:18,259 --> 00:09:21,093 that Robin had a little surprise waiting for him. 222 00:09:23,019 --> 00:09:24,662 Wha...? 223 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,217 - Mimosas? - Mm-hmm. 224 00:09:28,476 --> 00:09:30,560 Freshly-baked cookie smell? 225 00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:33,250 A middle-aged woman in a red blazer? 226 00:09:33,274 --> 00:09:35,341 I see what this is. 227 00:09:35,958 --> 00:09:38,426 You finally green-lit my orgy idea! 228 00:09:39,047 --> 00:09:41,404 Okay. It's an open house, Barney. 229 00:09:41,950 --> 00:09:43,925 Say good-bye to your fortress. 230 00:09:44,813 --> 00:09:46,300 If we weren't about to have an orgy, 231 00:09:46,312 --> 00:09:48,409 I'd be so mad at you right now. 232 00:09:52,905 --> 00:09:56,187 If you'll follow me into the bedroom, I'll show you some beautiful woodwork. 233 00:09:56,514 --> 00:09:58,939 I am way too upset right now to point out how many women 234 00:09:58,945 --> 00:10:00,776 have seen some beautiful woodwork in there. 235 00:10:00,882 --> 00:10:02,062 Angry self five! 236 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:03,079 Rah! 237 00:10:03,917 --> 00:10:05,602 Robin, I did not agree to this. 238 00:10:05,682 --> 00:10:06,742 Yes, you did. 239 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,722 That is why I gave up my apartment. 240 00:10:08,740 --> 00:10:11,524 Not so I could live in a disease-riddled bang pad 241 00:10:11,553 --> 00:10:13,657 haunted by the ghosts of your ex-skanks. 242 00:10:14,625 --> 00:10:17,913 The bathrooms are Italian marble. 243 00:10:19,460 --> 00:10:22,048 Hello, old bean. Jolly good evening, isn't it? 244 00:10:22,167 --> 00:10:23,393 What are you doing here? 245 00:10:23,418 --> 00:10:25,006 And why do you sound like Madonna? 246 00:10:25,049 --> 00:10:26,776 Uh, Robin asked us all to come here and pretend 247 00:10:26,801 --> 00:10:29,590 that we are prospective buyers who love this apartment. 248 00:10:29,676 --> 00:10:31,226 And inspired by a character 249 00:10:31,251 --> 00:10:33,382 on Woodworthy Manor, I've decided to play 250 00:10:33,407 --> 00:10:35,341 Emsbry Postlethwaite, 251 00:10:35,395 --> 00:10:38,530 a handsome cricket player who secretly hates his life. 252 00:10:38,853 --> 00:10:40,520 You don't have to be a cricket player. 253 00:10:40,553 --> 00:10:42,281 Tell that to Emsbry's father. 254 00:10:43,035 --> 00:10:44,325 Sorry! 255 00:10:44,343 --> 00:10:45,434 Oh... 256 00:10:45,464 --> 00:10:48,123 I was checking out some mole people's graffiti art 257 00:10:48,129 --> 00:10:49,982 and my cape got caught on the F train. 258 00:10:50,013 --> 00:10:51,012 Oh. 259 00:10:51,036 --> 00:10:52,285 Bisou bisou. 260 00:10:52,490 --> 00:10:55,394 Oh, what a cute baby. 261 00:10:55,413 --> 00:10:56,487 What's his name? 262 00:10:56,504 --> 00:10:57,412 Marvin. 263 00:10:57,436 --> 00:10:58,599 For my father. 264 00:10:58,787 --> 00:11:00,357 Oh, that's so sweet. 265 00:11:00,376 --> 00:11:02,820 Have you two been looking at a lot of places in this neighborhood? 266 00:11:02,838 --> 00:11:06,468 - Oh, actually they're not... - Yes, we have. 267 00:11:06,725 --> 00:11:07,734 What? 268 00:11:07,752 --> 00:11:11,972 My husband Emsbry and I just love this area. 269 00:11:12,084 --> 00:11:14,701 I'm a cricket player who secretly hates his life. 270 00:11:16,540 --> 00:11:17,565 What are you doing? 271 00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:19,593 Well, you were late yet again, 272 00:11:19,605 --> 00:11:21,620 and so I'm gonna do this little scene study with Ted. 273 00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:24,065 Why? Because he's there for me. 274 00:11:25,730 --> 00:11:27,740 Pretending you're married? 275 00:11:27,764 --> 00:11:30,098 That's going a little far to prove your point, isn't it? 276 00:11:30,140 --> 00:11:32,654 Excuse me, but I think it's offensive to suggest 277 00:11:32,678 --> 00:11:35,629 the only reason gay people get married is to prove a point. 278 00:11:36,392 --> 00:11:37,826 No, no, no, no, no. 279 00:11:37,847 --> 00:11:39,146 I didn't... that's not what I... 280 00:11:39,158 --> 00:11:40,890 Thank you, sister-- somebody needs 281 00:11:40,902 --> 00:11:43,576 to get this lady's mind a rearview mirror 282 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,946 because she is thinking in reverse. - Mm-hmm. 283 00:11:49,641 --> 00:11:51,355 Hate is a four-letter word. 284 00:11:51,373 --> 00:11:53,584 I didn't... I voted for... 285 00:11:56,928 --> 00:11:59,021 Oh, is this part of a security system? 286 00:11:59,039 --> 00:11:59,840 Sort of. 287 00:11:59,851 --> 00:12:01,826 It's connected to the welcome mat. You see... 288 00:12:02,163 --> 00:12:04,006 Let's say the young lady you're bringing home 289 00:12:04,018 --> 00:12:05,475 is dressed for winter. 290 00:12:05,543 --> 00:12:08,905 Under those layers, an unwelcome surprise could await you. 291 00:12:09,167 --> 00:12:10,933 The scale with body fat calculator 292 00:12:10,957 --> 00:12:12,321 I've hidden under the welcome mat 293 00:12:12,334 --> 00:12:14,794 makes sure you never have banger's remorse. 294 00:12:15,023 --> 00:12:16,769 The Heavy Set Go 295 00:12:16,942 --> 00:12:18,685 by Stinson, patent pending. 296 00:12:18,717 --> 00:12:21,460 'Cause there's only one kind of chubby you want in the bedroom. 297 00:12:21,478 --> 00:12:22,927 Am I right, people? 298 00:12:22,937 --> 00:12:25,230 This guy knows what I'm talking about. 299 00:12:26,444 --> 00:12:29,807 I don't want to tell you and Emsbry how to raise 300 00:12:29,825 --> 00:12:32,765 your child, but I think if you keep letting him nap, 301 00:12:32,784 --> 00:12:33,968 he's gonna be up all night. 302 00:12:34,011 --> 00:12:36,095 Funny, you sound like someone who's been 303 00:12:36,114 --> 00:12:37,906 around for his bedtime lately. 304 00:12:37,947 --> 00:12:40,267 Uh, can somebody get this lady a storefront 305 00:12:40,286 --> 00:12:43,306 'cause she needs to mind her own business, mm-kay? 306 00:12:44,368 --> 00:12:45,718 Would you stop it? 307 00:12:45,730 --> 00:12:48,371 Oh, right, right, because it's a choice. 308 00:12:49,984 --> 00:12:51,351 You know what's not a choice? 309 00:12:51,376 --> 00:12:53,216 Being gay for this kitchen. 310 00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:56,083 That came out wrong-- the point is, 311 00:12:56,107 --> 00:12:58,358 let's focus on this awesome apartment. 312 00:12:58,399 --> 00:12:59,865 You're right. 313 00:12:59,898 --> 00:13:03,206 Look at that fabulous plasma television. 314 00:13:03,387 --> 00:13:06,395 My ex-husband, who never supported my career, 315 00:13:06,513 --> 00:13:10,331 would love to watch the Vikings never win a Super Bowl 316 00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:12,436 in franchise history on that thing. 317 00:13:12,481 --> 00:13:14,731 - How dare you. - Don't let her push your buttons. 318 00:13:15,664 --> 00:13:16,981 Right. 319 00:13:18,388 --> 00:13:20,416 I don't care about football. 320 00:13:21,163 --> 00:13:22,637 I'm more of a... 321 00:13:22,823 --> 00:13:24,438 Woodworthy Manor fan. 322 00:13:25,548 --> 00:13:27,606 I very much enjoyed watching it the other night. 323 00:13:28,660 --> 00:13:30,801 - With Emsbry. - Oh, you didn't. 324 00:13:30,818 --> 00:13:32,368 Yeah, oh, yeah. 325 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:36,158 I know who deliberately overwatered Lady Chillsbury's prize-winning roses. 326 00:13:36,239 --> 00:13:39,051 They have been building to that reveal all season, 327 00:13:39,076 --> 00:13:40,289 Marshall, don't you tell me... 328 00:13:40,313 --> 00:13:42,591 It was Parson Smallsby. 329 00:13:45,745 --> 00:13:48,280 Wow, great view. 330 00:13:48,292 --> 00:13:49,533 And customizable. 331 00:13:49,614 --> 00:13:51,739 Let's say you promised a girl a surprise trip 332 00:13:51,758 --> 00:13:53,525 to the most romantic place on Earth. 333 00:13:54,241 --> 00:13:56,128 No peeking. 334 00:13:56,146 --> 00:13:58,574 Wow, we must've gone far. 335 00:13:58,592 --> 00:14:01,859 We were on your private jet for, like, six hours. 336 00:14:02,252 --> 00:14:03,034 Well, 337 00:14:03,046 --> 00:14:04,872 You definitely weren't on a bus to Delaware 338 00:14:04,896 --> 00:14:07,095 and back wearing earplugs, I'll tell you that much. 339 00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:09,424 And I think you'll agree it was worth the wait 340 00:14:09,442 --> 00:14:11,037 once you see the view. 341 00:14:11,368 --> 00:14:13,219 Et voila ma chérie. 342 00:14:15,562 --> 00:14:17,846 Oh, my God. 343 00:14:18,593 --> 00:14:20,457 You flew me to Vegas? 344 00:14:20,544 --> 00:14:22,799 It's, um... it's Par... 345 00:14:22,812 --> 00:14:24,574 Well, hey, whatever works, whatever... 346 00:14:24,861 --> 00:14:26,944 The Room With a Screw 347 00:14:26,975 --> 00:14:28,761 by Stinson, patent pending. 348 00:14:28,818 --> 00:14:30,270 I know what you're trying to do. 349 00:14:30,289 --> 00:14:31,509 You're trying to drive people away. 350 00:14:31,522 --> 00:14:32,626 No, I'm not-- I'm just trying 351 00:14:32,638 --> 00:14:34,712 to show off all of its one-of-a-kind features. 352 00:14:34,737 --> 00:14:37,437 See, see, there's also, uh, Venice. 353 00:14:38,476 --> 00:14:40,294 Niagara Falls, 354 00:14:41,059 --> 00:14:42,940 African safari. 355 00:14:44,085 --> 00:14:45,655 Oh... and my favorite... 356 00:14:48,837 --> 00:14:49,926 Huh? 357 00:14:50,151 --> 00:14:51,970 Nothing gets a girl to go from "on the fence" 358 00:14:51,994 --> 00:14:53,690 to "on all fours" faster than thinking 359 00:14:53,715 --> 00:14:56,984 everyone she's ever held dear is a glowing pile of ash. 360 00:14:57,220 --> 00:14:59,187 Mushroom cloud five. 361 00:15:04,261 --> 00:15:06,170 I love you accent. 362 00:15:06,188 --> 00:15:07,308 Thank you. 363 00:15:07,324 --> 00:15:08,629 I practiced it all morning. 364 00:15:09,786 --> 00:15:11,645 - You are adorable. - Well... 365 00:15:11,745 --> 00:15:13,861 That Marshall's a lucky man. 366 00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:15,980 Well, aren't you ducky? 367 00:15:16,025 --> 00:15:17,925 Seriously if you were straight, 368 00:15:17,996 --> 00:15:20,163 I'd be all over you. 369 00:15:20,948 --> 00:15:22,215 Huh. 370 00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:24,589 What's this? 371 00:15:24,602 --> 00:15:25,583 Oh, God. 372 00:15:25,606 --> 00:15:27,406 Only the best thing ever. 373 00:15:27,888 --> 00:15:30,150 Let's say you had a wonderful night with a girl, but now 374 00:15:30,169 --> 00:15:33,653 she's turning into a bit of a morning-after pill. 375 00:15:41,773 --> 00:15:43,830 See? We need to extend the chute 376 00:15:43,848 --> 00:15:45,497 and add a landing spot. 377 00:15:45,763 --> 00:15:48,569 And you said testing it with a dummy was a waste of time. 378 00:15:48,852 --> 00:15:51,993 No, I said "dressing the dummy" was a waste of time. 379 00:15:52,325 --> 00:15:54,108 The Escape From Bitch Mountain 380 00:15:54,423 --> 00:15:55,951 by Stinson, patent pending. - Okay. 381 00:15:55,963 --> 00:15:58,308 He's kidding, it's just, you know, in case of fire. 382 00:15:58,326 --> 00:16:00,519 No, but I'm glad you mentioned fire. 383 00:16:00,580 --> 00:16:02,499 See those smoke detectors? 384 00:16:04,216 --> 00:16:05,584 Say these words. 385 00:16:06,801 --> 00:16:08,907 "I'm looking for a deeper commitment." 386 00:16:10,642 --> 00:16:14,088 It's also triggered by "I'm too tired," "Let's snuggle," 387 00:16:14,113 --> 00:16:15,446 and "I'm a week late." 388 00:16:15,629 --> 00:16:17,245 Barney, I'm getting wet. 389 00:16:17,573 --> 00:16:19,355 And that turns it off. 390 00:16:20,278 --> 00:16:22,096 Look, just stop talking. 391 00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:23,799 We've made up our minds. 392 00:16:23,833 --> 00:16:25,715 Oh, well, thanks for taking a look. 393 00:16:25,733 --> 00:16:26,816 I'll walk you out. 394 00:16:26,845 --> 00:16:28,134 We'll take it. 395 00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:31,387 If you never get a black light, you'll be so happy here. 396 00:16:31,411 --> 00:16:32,932 Yes, yes! 397 00:16:32,951 --> 00:16:33,950 Yes, yes. 398 00:16:38,734 --> 00:16:40,570 Trouble in paradise? 399 00:16:47,329 --> 00:16:49,831 We have a child together. 400 00:16:56,132 --> 00:16:59,115 I can't believe you watched Woodworthy Manor without me. 401 00:16:59,142 --> 00:17:01,684 I can't believe that you're mad at me. 402 00:17:01,711 --> 00:17:04,953 I've been abandoned by my wife and my gay companion. 403 00:17:04,971 --> 00:17:07,173 If I get blinded in one eye by a badminton shuttlecock, 404 00:17:07,191 --> 00:17:08,689 you might as well call me Lord Esterbrooke. 405 00:17:09,558 --> 00:17:10,845 You watched the new one without me? 406 00:17:10,874 --> 00:17:13,497 Betrayal stings, doesn't it, Emsbry? 407 00:17:14,917 --> 00:17:15,862 Hey. 408 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:17,040 - Hey. - Listen. 409 00:17:17,059 --> 00:17:18,342 - I... - No, me first. 410 00:17:18,774 --> 00:17:19,946 I've been thinking 411 00:17:19,958 --> 00:17:21,424 and I realized something. 412 00:17:22,170 --> 00:17:25,845 The Fortress of Solitude is where Superman went to be alone. 413 00:17:26,495 --> 00:17:28,846 And I never want to be alone again. 414 00:17:29,385 --> 00:17:30,950 Thank you, Barney, that really... 415 00:17:30,981 --> 00:17:33,031 But then I remembered in Superman II, 416 00:17:33,061 --> 00:17:36,088 Superman gave up all his powers to be with Lois Lane, 417 00:17:36,094 --> 00:17:38,783 and he was honestly kind of a vag after that. 418 00:17:38,795 --> 00:17:40,734 - Oh, buddy, just quit while... - Now, Superman III was 419 00:17:40,746 --> 00:17:42,058 a complete train wreck totally. 420 00:17:42,083 --> 00:17:43,132 What's your point? 421 00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:44,145 That... 422 00:17:44,466 --> 00:17:45,769 that I love you. 423 00:17:45,844 --> 00:17:47,200 And... 424 00:17:47,779 --> 00:17:49,965 I'm giving up my apartment for you. 425 00:17:50,613 --> 00:17:54,672 And that the Superman films are uneven. 426 00:17:56,010 --> 00:17:58,462 I really appreciate that, Barney, but... 427 00:17:59,635 --> 00:18:02,843 Congrats. You guys are getting a fantastic apartment. 428 00:18:02,956 --> 00:18:05,836 I mean, I know some of the features are a little weird. 429 00:18:06,513 --> 00:18:07,671 A little? 430 00:18:08,189 --> 00:18:10,347 We're gonna rip this thing down to the studs. 431 00:18:11,047 --> 00:18:12,206 I get it. 432 00:18:12,324 --> 00:18:15,117 But, I mean, some things might be worth saving. 433 00:18:15,267 --> 00:18:17,518 - I don't see any. - No. 434 00:18:18,133 --> 00:18:19,790 You don't see any? 435 00:18:20,191 --> 00:18:21,695 Sure some of the stuff in here 436 00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:24,202 is creepy, but it's also brilliant. 437 00:18:24,349 --> 00:18:27,135 I mean, a lot of geniuses were kind of pervy. 438 00:18:27,148 --> 00:18:29,206 Look at Thomas Edison-- why do you think 439 00:18:29,219 --> 00:18:30,769 that lightbulbs are boob-shaped? 440 00:18:30,969 --> 00:18:33,525 Yeah, we're taking a wrecking ball to this place 441 00:18:33,537 --> 00:18:36,652 and turning it into something actually fit for humans. 442 00:18:39,014 --> 00:18:40,473 Excuse me. 443 00:18:47,002 --> 00:18:48,368 Get out! 444 00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:51,588 The Fortress of Barnitude is no longer for sale. 445 00:18:51,616 --> 00:18:54,142 Also your husband has been staring at my ass 446 00:18:54,161 --> 00:18:57,177 all afternoon so don't act all high-and-mighty. 447 00:18:58,148 --> 00:18:59,976 - You turned them down? - Yeah. 448 00:19:00,393 --> 00:19:03,604 If I ask you to change too many things about yourself, 449 00:19:03,803 --> 00:19:06,442 you're not gonna be the man I fell in love with. 450 00:19:06,806 --> 00:19:11,181 Turns out, I accept and appreciate even the grossest, creepiest, 451 00:19:11,206 --> 00:19:13,457 most sociopathic parts of you. 452 00:19:15,096 --> 00:19:18,100 Sounds like somebody just wrote her vows. 453 00:19:19,669 --> 00:19:20,804 Mm. 454 00:19:22,553 --> 00:19:24,161 It's the Captain. 455 00:19:25,130 --> 00:19:25,975 Ahoy. 456 00:19:25,981 --> 00:19:28,016 There's a zebra at the Central Park Zoo 457 00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:30,421 who's got quite a keen hoof at photography. 458 00:19:30,477 --> 00:19:32,375 Ironically, he's great with color. Now... 459 00:19:32,387 --> 00:19:35,605 Captain, I'll check it out, just not tonight. 460 00:19:35,874 --> 00:19:38,442 I need to spend some time with my husband. 461 00:19:39,823 --> 00:19:40,974 You sure? 462 00:19:41,055 --> 00:19:44,033 I know it's been tough, me working this much, 463 00:19:44,564 --> 00:19:46,260 and I guess I went a little overboard 464 00:19:46,278 --> 00:19:47,681 with the whole artsy thing. 465 00:19:47,697 --> 00:19:48,964 I know. 466 00:19:49,247 --> 00:19:50,888 - The cape. - What about my cape? 467 00:19:50,925 --> 00:19:52,289 I love it. 468 00:19:52,393 --> 00:19:54,079 And I... I know that you love this job. 469 00:19:54,098 --> 00:19:55,824 I should be more supportive-- I just miss you. 470 00:19:55,842 --> 00:19:57,725 I miss you, too. 471 00:19:58,302 --> 00:19:59,158 Hey, guys. 472 00:19:59,189 --> 00:20:00,816 - Hey. - Hey. 473 00:20:01,709 --> 00:20:03,760 You guys are all so lucky. 474 00:20:03,993 --> 00:20:06,288 When am I gonna find something real? 475 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:07,672 Well, Emsbry, 476 00:20:07,698 --> 00:20:09,749 ready to see what it's like to be with a woman? 477 00:20:10,714 --> 00:20:13,537 I suppose there's a first time for everything. 478 00:20:14,734 --> 00:20:16,768 - Go ahead. - My son. 479 00:20:18,812 --> 00:20:19,811 Okay. 480 00:20:20,138 --> 00:20:21,952 Yeah, all right. 481 00:20:26,622 --> 00:20:29,777 Are you guys sure we're gonna like this Woodworthy Manor show? 482 00:20:29,832 --> 00:20:31,373 Yeah, it sounds kind of boring. 483 00:20:32,579 --> 00:20:34,222 Kind of boring? 484 00:20:34,257 --> 00:20:36,190 Grab a seat guys, but trust me, 485 00:20:36,317 --> 00:20:38,050 you're only gonna need the edge. 486 00:20:38,883 --> 00:20:40,535 Ah-ha, all right, now, 487 00:20:40,547 --> 00:20:41,997 a little backstory. 488 00:20:42,031 --> 00:20:45,859 Lady Stoutshire has developed a serious case of croquet ankle 489 00:20:45,871 --> 00:20:49,397 and the cook Mrs. Bootbrush can't find enough chestnuts 490 00:20:49,410 --> 00:20:51,638 for a proper St. Crispin's Day goose. 491 00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:53,084 Let's watch. 492 00:21:04,918 --> 00:21:07,065 - I love you. - My wrist is broken. 493 00:21:07,138 --> 00:21:09,413 - Worth it. - Ow. 494 00:21:10,941 --> 00:21:15,941 == sync, corrected by elderman == Resync for WEB-DL by Norther