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00:00:02,496 --> 00:00:04,758
MALORY (O.S.): Hurry,
hurry, sit down, come in!
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00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:07,089
I have the most fantastic news!
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00:00:07,091 --> 00:00:08,751
ARCHER: What, did
Bub finally die?
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00:00:08,871 --> 00:00:10,025
LANA: Who's Bub?
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00:00:10,027 --> 00:00:12,493
MALORY: My mother, and before
you make some snotty comment,
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00:00:12,495 --> 00:00:15,658
yes I have a mother, do you
want to hear my news or not?!
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00:00:15,660 --> 00:00:18,258
LANA: Yeah, if you're done
yelling at me for no reason.
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00:00:18,260 --> 00:00:23,194
MALORY: Last night, an Air Force B-52
bomber crashed off the coast of Bermuda!
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00:00:23,196 --> 00:00:26,250
ARCHER: Well it's
about frickin time!
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00:00:26,488 --> 00:00:29,634
What, we're we not bombing them in
advance of an amphibious invasion?
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00:00:29,636 --> 00:00:30,934
LANA: Why would we invade.
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00:00:30,936 --> 00:00:32,067
Bermuda.
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ARCHER: Ah, Bermuda. I
was thinking Bahamas.
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00:00:35,470 --> 00:00:36,302
LANA: Same question.
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00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:39,171
ARCHER: Same answer, Why not? It's
how we got the Virgin Islands.
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00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:42,741
CYRIL: Actually, the United States
bought the Virgin Islands from Denmark.
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ARCHER: Okay, Mr. Peabody...
MALORY: Are you finished?
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ARCHER: Yes.
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MALORY: Good. Because the B-52 was -
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ARCHER: In the middle of
the Bermuda Triangle, is this
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00:00:50,549 --> 00:00:53,282
about the Bermuda Triangle, because
that's my fourth biggest fear!
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MALORY: It's about
the B-52's payload!
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MALORY: Namely, a Mark-28
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hydrogen bomb.
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EVERYBODY: Ohhhh!
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MALORY: Which ISIS...
is going to recover.
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EVERYBODY: What!?
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MALORY: And then give to the U.S.
government in exchange for a huge reward!
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CYRIL: So, ransom it back.
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MALORY: No, not ransom it, Cyril, we're-
look, semantics, whatever, this is -
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CYRIL: Treason?
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00:01:17,065 --> 00:01:19,665
MALORY: A huge
opportunity for ISIS!
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Or the Russians... MALORY: The B-52 is
on the ocean floor here, at a depth
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of eight thousand feet...
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ARCHER: or thirteen hundred
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thirty-three fathoms.
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LANA: How do you know that?
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ARCHER: How do you not?
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MALORY: So recovering the bomb
requires a deep submergence
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vehicle. The only American DSV is here,
in the Pacific. The Russians have
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one in the North Atlantic, so if
they hear about the wreck and start
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- steaming toward it-
- They don't actually steam anymore, Mother.
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MALORY: It's a figure of speech,
like "shut your hatch,"
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because my point was, the Russians will
beat them to it. So we are going to
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beat the Russians.
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ARCHER: Give it up, folks!
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Mike Eruzione!
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LANA; Well - shut up - since
Krieger doesn't have a
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00:02:05,246 --> 00:02:10,282
submersible hidden in his lab...
KRIEGER: Or do I?
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I don't, actually.
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ARCHER: Then how are we supposed to
beat anybody to a hydrogen bomb, under
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00:02:15,521 --> 00:02:17,987
two-point-two-seven
leagues of water?!
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CHERYL/CAROL: Oh my Jesus
God damn alright already!
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MALORY: Can I
possibly help you?
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CHERYL/CAROL: Please, I know
you were talking loud so
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I'd hear you, so whatever, but
we're not speaking so if you
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want a deep submergence whatever you can
talk to my stupid gross brother Cecil!
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Who, by the way, is
here to see you.
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Ms. Archer will see you now.
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00:02:36,936 --> 00:02:39,168
CECIL: Thank you, Cheryl, I-
CHERYL/CAROL: Rrraaaghh!
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I hate you!
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00:02:41,839 --> 00:02:43,773
CECIL: Hello, I'm Cecil Tunt.
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I believe you're in need
of some assistance?
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ARCHER: (chuckling)
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00:02:46,877 --> 00:02:50,712
Yeah, RienPoortvliet just called,
he wants you to pose for him.
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C'mon, beloved
illustrator of "Gnomes"?
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Jesus, read a
coffee table book!
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[theme music]
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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ARCHER (O.S.): Wow, you own an
island, an undersea laboratory,
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and this... choppersaurus?
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Guess it doesn't suck to
be a billionaire, huh?
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00:03:40,412 --> 00:03:42,512
CECIL: Probably not, but
Cheryl and I split our
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00:03:42,514 --> 00:03:46,150
parents' estate, so technically I'm
only worth five hundred million.
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00:03:46,152 --> 00:03:48,619
Which also doesn't
suck, obviously.
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CHERYL/CAROL (O.S.): Unlike you
who totally sucks obviously!
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PAM: Will you shut up?!
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I swear to God, if you get us kicked
off before I get my jumbo scrimps on -
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You'll wish you were
Michael Findlay.
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CHERYL/CAROL: A, Cecil won't
kick you off, he wants
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00:04:01,634 --> 00:04:04,101
everybody here, for no good reason--
MALORY: He doesn't need one,
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00:04:04,103 --> 00:04:07,705
he's an American hero. Who's
going to make me rich.
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CHERYL/CAROL: And B, that's
not even real shrimp.
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This is all vegan-soy-bullshit.
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PAM: Pffrrfft! Prrfft! Puh!
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CHERYL/CAROL: Because he's
totally vegan, because his
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stupid gross girlfriend Tiffy's a
vegan, and a... brother-stealer!
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TIFFY (O.S.): Who can also
totally heeearyoooou...
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00:04:20,086 --> 00:04:22,119
CHERYL/CAROL: Which is amazing
because why aren't you dead
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00:04:22,121 --> 00:04:23,187
from protein deficiency?!
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00:04:23,189 --> 00:04:25,890
TIFFY: Uh, because I get all
eight essential amino acids
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00:04:25,892 --> 00:04:30,194
from amaranth and quinoa without
murdering helpless animals?
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00:04:30,196 --> 00:04:30,928
CHERYL/CAROL (O.S.): Oooooh!
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00:04:30,930 --> 00:04:31,829
TIFFY: kkkuughh!
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00:04:31,831 --> 00:04:33,298
CECIL (O.S.): Hey, Tiff?
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00:04:33,300 --> 00:04:36,968
Could you, instead of antagonizing
her, maybe go ahead and take off?
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Love yoooou.
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00:04:40,508 --> 00:04:44,043
We'll rendezvous with my research vessel
in a few hours, so in the meantime,
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I guess, continue to make such
wildly liberal use of the bar.
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00:04:47,882 --> 00:04:52,384
ARCHER: Done! You're okay, Cecil. I
don't get why Cheryl hates you so much.
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00:04:52,386 --> 00:04:52,918
CECIL: Right?
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00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,021
ARCHER: I mean, you've got
this whole Jacques Cousteau-
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00:04:55,023 --> 00:04:58,291
- thing going on, that's-
- Just one of many philanthropies. I have so
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much on my plate, as it were.
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00:04:59,828 --> 00:05:03,898
Children Without Plates, speaking of
plates, uh, Doctors Within Borders...
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00:05:03,900 --> 00:05:04,999
ARCHER: Within borders.
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00:05:05,001 --> 00:05:06,834
CECIL: Well, of countries
ravaged by war.
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00:05:06,836 --> 00:05:09,937
ARCHER: Right, otherwise-
CECIL: Otherwise there's not really much point.
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00:05:09,939 --> 00:05:14,842
Then there's Nourish A Child, Shoe
A Child, Bespectacle A Child,
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00:05:14,844 --> 00:05:18,612
umm, One Laptop Per Child Soldier...
ARCHER: Wait, what?
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00:05:18,614 --> 00:05:22,283
CECIL: Which, unfortunately, soon became
One Thousand Laptops Per Warlord.
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00:05:22,285 --> 00:05:24,785
ARCHER: Man, all those charities
have gotta cost, like -
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CECIL: Hey! I should
go help Tiffy.
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Since we're flying into the Bermuda Triangle...
where mysteries abound!
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ARCHER: What kind of mysteries?
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CECIL: I'm kidding!
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ARCHER: Well Cheryl,
you come by it honest.
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LANA (O.S.): Speaking of...
ARCHER: Aagh! Lana c'mon,
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we're about to fly into the
Bermuda Triangle, my nerves
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are frayed enough as it is.
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LANA: Really.
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ARCHER: No, Long Island Iced
Tea number three really took
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00:05:47,978 --> 00:05:48,977
the edge off. Want one?
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LANA: No, I'm not drinking, but-
ARCHER: Oh my God! I totally saw this coming!
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00:05:53,850 --> 00:05:54,816
LANA: You saw what coming?
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ARCHER: Did you not join
the Nation of Islam?
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LANA: No, Archer, I -
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ARCHER: You know they won't
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let you keep dating Cyril,
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right? Plus no bacon?
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LANA: You done?
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ARCHER: Well for now, but after I take a nap-
LANA: You'll wake up just in
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time to get shot for treason, because
your mother wants to ransom a hydrogen
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00:06:08,599 --> 00:06:10,332
bomb back to the United
States government.
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00:06:10,334 --> 00:06:14,837
ARCHER: It's a reward! And maritime
salvage law is very clear on the subject.
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According to Cecil.
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LANA: And what's he
getting out of this?
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ARCHER: I... guess whatever useless
thing philanthropists normally get from
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00:06:21,479 --> 00:06:23,380
squandering their
money on the poor.
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00:06:23,382 --> 00:06:27,317
LANA: So what, he's conducting a huge
naval operation just for a warm fuzzy?
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00:06:27,319 --> 00:06:29,319
ARCHER: I -- hey, wait a second!
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LANA: What?
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ARCHER: I think I have
room for a fuzzy navel.
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00:06:33,025 --> 00:06:36,059
CHERYL/CAROL (O.S.): Wow Tiffy,
who taught you how to fly?
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00:06:36,061 --> 00:06:38,828
Was it that goose you freed,
ruining last year's Christmas
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00:06:38,830 --> 00:06:42,432
dinner, or --
TIFFY: Rrrgh, Cecil, I swear to Goddess...?
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00:06:42,434 --> 00:06:46,103
CECIL: I know, Tiffy, but please, try
to focus on the greater good. In the
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words of the immortal Jeremy Bentham-
TIFFY: Good thing I'm
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immortal, cause if she says one
more word to me I will slam
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00:06:52,011 --> 00:06:55,045
this helicopter into
the frickin ocean.
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00:06:55,047 --> 00:06:58,882
CECIL: Well, you seem busy.
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MALORY: So say it's worth two billion,
a fair reward on that would be...
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00:07:04,122 --> 00:07:05,488
CECIL: um, hello!
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00:07:05,490 --> 00:07:08,491
MALORY: Oh, Mr. Tunt! Please,
join me, you're just the person
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00:07:08,493 --> 00:07:11,528
I want to talk to...
CECIL: And I you. About my
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00:07:11,530 --> 00:07:14,498
sister. I was curious if
you'd noticed anything...
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00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:16,667
well, curious, about
her behavior.
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00:07:16,669 --> 00:07:18,602
MALORY: Ha! Ha! Ha!
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00:07:18,604 --> 00:07:19,969
Oh, you're serious.
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00:07:19,971 --> 00:07:21,638
CECIL: I'm afraid so, yes.
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MALORY: Well how much
time do you have?
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00:07:23,809 --> 00:07:31,081
CECIL: As much as you need...
CECIL (O.S.): Oh my God, I
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00:07:31,083 --> 00:07:35,451
don't know what to say... I have
figuratively lost my tongue.
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00:07:35,453 --> 00:07:37,854
MALORY: With Brent it
was almost literally.
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00:07:37,856 --> 00:07:39,622
That's why we can't
have scissors.
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00:07:39,624 --> 00:07:42,925
CECIL: I had no idea her mental state
had declined to such an extent. I mean,
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00:07:42,927 --> 00:07:47,063
the arson's not surprising...
CHILD CECIL: What have you done?
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00:07:47,065 --> 00:07:47,897
CHILD CHERYL/CAROL: Ha haha!
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00:07:47,899 --> 00:07:49,732
Take that, gazebo!
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00:07:49,734 --> 00:07:52,002
CECIL: But you're
telling me she had...
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00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:54,905
MALORY: Mm! Choke-sex,
that's her kink!
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00:07:54,907 --> 00:07:58,877
With a KGB cyborg. After she led him
straight to the ISIS safehouse,
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00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:01,680
at 921 East
Seventy-Third Street.
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00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:04,449
CECIL: Oh my -- wait,
is that classified?
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00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:07,853
MALORY: I won't tell if you won't tell...
CECIL: Mmmkay! Well, I
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00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:11,957
appreciate your candor in this matter, Ms. Archer-
MALORY: Oh no, it's Ms.
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00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:13,081
Oh.
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00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:18,086
CECIL: Ms., yes, thank
you for, um... yes.
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00:08:27,359 --> 00:08:29,594
ARCHER (O.S.): Come on, you
call this fully stocked?
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00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:32,330
And no Georgia peaches?
What the--?
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00:08:32,332 --> 00:08:33,231
ARCHER: What're you doing?
182
00:08:33,233 --> 00:08:35,132
CHERYL/CAROL: I --
what're you doing?!
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00:08:35,134 --> 00:08:38,102
ARCHER: Hairy navel. Started
as a fuzzy, but I'm calling
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00:08:38,104 --> 00:08:42,873
this vacation, so... Okay.
185
00:08:42,875 --> 00:08:45,109
Love our little talks!
186
00:08:45,111 --> 00:08:46,677
PAM: Rrowrf. Nom nom nomnomnom.
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00:08:46,679 --> 00:08:48,379
CECIL: Hi, it's Pam, right?
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00:08:48,381 --> 00:08:51,215
Enjoying the cruelty-free
vegan seafood buffet?
189
00:08:51,217 --> 00:08:54,885
PAM: Mrmff, it's pretty good, once you
get over how allergic I am to soy.
190
00:08:54,887 --> 00:08:56,454
CECIL: What?! Oh my
God, don't eat that!
191
00:08:56,456 --> 00:08:58,890
PAM: Wh-? Hey! I am
a consenting adult.
192
00:08:58,892 --> 00:09:03,695
Plus I assume you've got an epi-pen
on this big Riptide-lookin' bastard?
193
00:09:03,697 --> 00:09:07,131
CECIL: I -- yes, in the first
aid kit in the cockpit, but -
194
00:09:07,133 --> 00:09:08,900
PAM: Well then shut up.
195
00:09:08,902 --> 00:09:15,173
CECIL: Shutting up, yes. But before I do, could I...
ask you a few questions?
196
00:09:15,175 --> 00:09:17,841
LANA: How is everybody
okay with this?
197
00:09:17,843 --> 00:09:18,675
GILLETTE: How are you not?
198
00:09:18,677 --> 00:09:19,376
CYRIL: Lana, you heard Ms.
199
00:09:19,378 --> 00:09:21,378
Archer, it's either us
or the Russians, and -
200
00:09:21,380 --> 00:09:24,214
LANA: I did not hear that, actually, but-
GILLETTE: But if you found
201
00:09:24,216 --> 00:09:26,984
somebody's wallet, you'd
expect to get a reward, so -
202
00:09:26,986 --> 00:09:28,552
LANA: What if they
won't pay a reward?
203
00:09:28,554 --> 00:09:30,120
Then what, she just
keeps the bomb?
204
00:09:30,122 --> 00:09:31,488
CYRIL: C'mon, it's not
gonna come to that.
205
00:09:31,490 --> 00:09:33,624
GILLETTE: Ooh, but if it does
we could move to Cecil's island
206
00:09:33,626 --> 00:09:35,058
and be a rogue state!
207
00:09:35,060 --> 00:09:37,661
CYRIL: Coool...
LANA: Ugh, forget it.
208
00:09:37,663 --> 00:09:42,165
Oh, and also dummies? We're five
hundred miles from the nearest tree.
209
00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:44,835
CYRIL: Hey thanks, Magellan!
210
00:09:44,837 --> 00:09:47,538
Hey wait, why the heck are you
painting my face like this?!
211
00:09:47,540 --> 00:09:49,073
GILLETTE: Cause you look fierce.
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00:09:49,075 --> 00:09:50,074
Rrowr.
213
00:09:50,076 --> 00:09:51,209
PAM: Rrowrf.
214
00:09:51,211 --> 00:09:53,077
CECIL: Well thank you, Pam,
I appreciate your candor,
215
00:09:53,079 --> 00:09:57,215
and -- you really, really should
really stop eating those.
216
00:09:57,217 --> 00:09:58,583
PAM: Last one.
217
00:09:58,585 --> 00:10:02,119
Mmrowmf.
218
00:10:02,121 --> 00:10:05,155
LANA: Malory, please, is there any way
I can get you to reconsider this?
219
00:10:05,157 --> 00:10:08,925
MALORY: Well, if you feel that strongly...
LANA: I so do.
220
00:10:08,927 --> 00:10:12,662
MALORY: Cecil says marine salvage goes
for ten to twenty percent of the item's
221
00:10:12,664 --> 00:10:16,600
value, but since all I'm asking is a
measly three percent, if you've got
222
00:10:16,602 --> 00:10:19,302
sixty million dollars
lying around...?
223
00:10:19,304 --> 00:10:20,303
LANA: Bwexqueeze me?!
224
00:10:20,305 --> 00:10:21,604
MALORY: I know, right?
225
00:10:21,606 --> 00:10:23,506
It's a steal at twice the price.
226
00:10:23,508 --> 00:10:27,111
GILLETTE: Yeah and about that, Cyril
figured out how big our bonuses should be.
227
00:10:27,113 --> 00:10:28,212
MALORY: Your what?!
228
00:10:28,214 --> 00:10:29,380
CYRIL: I -- Ray made me!
229
00:10:29,382 --> 00:10:31,783
GILLETTE: Cyril! C'mon
you're fierce, rrowr!
230
00:10:31,785 --> 00:10:34,319
ARCHER (O.S.): Rrraarrgh!
231
00:10:34,321 --> 00:10:36,654
No! Don't!
232
00:10:36,656 --> 00:10:37,555
[grrrrzzz]
233
00:10:37,557 --> 00:10:39,090
CECIL: Uh, could I speak
to you for a moment?
234
00:10:39,092 --> 00:10:40,525
ARCHER: "Wildly liberal use,"
235
00:10:40,527 --> 00:10:43,261
Cecil, those were
your exact words!
236
00:10:43,263 --> 00:10:46,698
CECIL: No, of course, that's totally fine,
but I wanted to talk to you about -
237
00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:49,167
ARCHER: Don't say high-
functioning alcoholism.
238
00:10:49,169 --> 00:10:51,202
CECIL: I wasn't. Going to.
239
00:10:51,204 --> 00:10:52,269
ARCHER: Well then
what's on your mind?
240
00:10:52,271 --> 00:10:55,873
CECIL: Well, it's about my sister...
ARCHER: Hey whoa! I dunno what
241
00:10:55,875 --> 00:10:59,343
she told you but Carol's a consenting adult, so-
CECIL: Well that's actually
242
00:10:59,345 --> 00:11:01,711
kind of my point, I wanted
to ask if you'd ever
243
00:11:01,713 --> 00:11:09,052
seen my sister acting strangely, or-
ARCHER: Ha! Oh, you're serious.
244
00:11:09,054 --> 00:11:13,190
[creepy music]
245
00:11:13,192 --> 00:11:18,128
CHERYL/CAROL: Just ignore
it, it's non-diegetic.
246
00:11:18,130 --> 00:11:20,631
PAM: Last one,
stinky-pinky-swear.
247
00:11:20,633 --> 00:11:21,865
Mrowf.
248
00:11:21,867 --> 00:11:22,866
CHERYL/CAROL (O.S.): Psst! Pam!
249
00:11:22,868 --> 00:11:24,969
PAM: Aw crap, already?
250
00:11:24,971 --> 00:11:25,636
CHERYL/CAROL (O.S.): Pam!
251
00:11:25,638 --> 00:11:29,673
PAM: Look, auditory hallucinations aren't
gonna make you any less delicious.
252
00:11:29,675 --> 00:11:32,109
PAM: Hey! I was talking to that!
253
00:11:32,111 --> 00:11:33,377
CHERYL/CAROL: Shhh! Shut up!
I need your help!
254
00:11:33,379 --> 00:11:34,612
PAM: And that's how you ask?
255
00:11:34,614 --> 00:11:36,280
CHERYL/CAROL: Cecil's like,
interviewing everybody!
256
00:11:36,282 --> 00:11:38,849
PAM: Yeah, he -- is he?
Doing that?
257
00:11:38,851 --> 00:11:40,151
CHERYL/CAROL: Yes! And I
think he's taping it!
258
00:11:40,153 --> 00:11:41,986
Look, there's
cameras everywhere!
259
00:11:41,988 --> 00:11:43,187
PAM: Huh.
260
00:11:43,189 --> 00:11:44,755
CHERYL/CAROL: I think he's
taping them saying I'm crazy
261
00:11:44,757 --> 00:11:47,825
so he can show it to a judge and
get a conservatorship over me!
262
00:11:47,827 --> 00:11:49,493
PAM: Huh.
263
00:11:49,495 --> 00:11:50,860
CHERYL/CAROL: "Huh" what?!
264
00:11:50,862 --> 00:11:54,864
PAM: I mean... ya think that's
the worst idea anybody ever had?
265
00:11:54,866 --> 00:11:56,366
CHERYL/CAROL: Oh. My God.
266
00:11:56,368 --> 00:11:58,635
PAM: I know, it's hard to hear, but-
[thwap]
267
00:11:58,637 --> 00:11:59,369
PAM: Owww!
268
00:11:59,371 --> 00:12:00,537
CHERYL/CAROL: I thought
you were my friend!
269
00:12:00,539 --> 00:12:04,742
PAM: Yeah and for like six months you
also thought you were a werewolf!
270
00:12:04,744 --> 00:12:08,045
Aw crap, I can't feel my face.
271
00:12:08,047 --> 00:12:13,452
PAM: Last one, swear to God.
272
00:12:13,454 --> 00:12:17,957
ARCHER: Swear to God, every full moon
she'd make us lock her in the ISIS vault.
273
00:12:17,959 --> 00:12:19,491
CECIL: Oh my God, how
are you laughing?
274
00:12:19,493 --> 00:12:22,027
That's not funny, it's tragic!
275
00:12:22,029 --> 00:12:26,665
ARCHER: I -- no yeah, but you
know, plus time, it equals -
276
00:12:26,667 --> 00:12:28,601
CECIL: Thank you, I've
heard quite enough.
277
00:12:28,603 --> 00:12:32,838
Now if you'll please excuse me, I-
TIFFY (O.S.): Cecil? My darling whom I love?
278
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,107
TIFFY: And also strangers
whom I don't even like?
279
00:12:35,109 --> 00:12:37,109
Our ETA is fifteen minutes.
280
00:12:37,111 --> 00:12:42,181
And the seas are really choppy, so
we may be in for a rough landing.
281
00:12:42,183 --> 00:12:45,051
CECIL: Thank you love yoooooou.
282
00:12:45,053 --> 00:12:48,521
So you may want to
switch to coffee.
283
00:12:48,523 --> 00:12:51,158
ARCHER: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ahhh.
284
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:54,093
Oh, you're still serious.
285
00:12:54,095 --> 00:12:57,530
CHERYL/CAROL: Or am I?
286
00:12:57,532 --> 00:12:59,566
I am, actually.
287
00:12:59,568 --> 00:13:01,768
MALORY: Have you people
lost your minds?!
288
00:13:01,770 --> 00:13:04,671
LANA: 'cause apparently it's going around...
MALORY: Because - shut up - if
289
00:13:04,673 --> 00:13:09,676
we recover the bomb, I will decide if
any of you receives a tiny bonus, so -
290
00:13:09,678 --> 00:13:10,778
CYRIL GILLETTE: If?! If?!
291
00:13:10,780 --> 00:13:12,312
ARCHER: Guys, shut up,
I got this, shut up.
292
00:13:12,314 --> 00:13:13,614
What do you mean, if?!
293
00:13:13,616 --> 00:13:15,016
Also, what are we talking about?
294
00:13:15,018 --> 00:13:19,854
MALORY: Nothing. There's nothing to talk
about, because I am -- Jesus Christ!
295
00:13:19,856 --> 00:13:22,190
ARCHER: Okay, it's either
the altitude or a stroke.
296
00:13:22,192 --> 00:13:25,294
Mother, it's Sterling!
Do you smell toast?
297
00:13:25,296 --> 00:13:26,095
MALORY: Pam?!
298
00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:30,700
PAM: Grrrgh, grrrgh!
299
00:13:30,702 --> 00:13:33,336
LANA: What the-
TIFFY: -- hell are you doing?!
300
00:13:33,338 --> 00:13:35,572
The cockpit is off
limits, missy!
301
00:13:35,574 --> 00:13:38,742
CHERYL/CAROL: Oh yeah?!
Well so's my inheritance!
302
00:13:38,744 --> 00:13:39,609
[creepy music]
303
00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:42,612
Goddammit, shut
up John Williams!
304
00:13:42,614 --> 00:13:45,148
TIFFY: Oh my God you
really are crazy!
305
00:13:45,150 --> 00:13:47,116
Would a crazy person do this?!
306
00:13:47,118 --> 00:13:48,518
Ungh!
307
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,887
TIFFY: Yes!
308
00:13:51,889 --> 00:13:53,522
ARCHER: What the
hell's going on?!
309
00:13:53,524 --> 00:13:55,458
CECIL: It's Cheryl!
She's in the cockpit!
310
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,994
I think she's trying
to kill us all!
311
00:13:57,996 --> 00:13:59,095
ARCHER Oh good.
312
00:13:59,097 --> 00:14:02,650
For a second there I
thought I drank too much.
313
00:14:02,770 --> 00:14:04,567
[slurrp]
314
00:14:08,135 --> 00:14:11,237
TIFFY CHERYL/CAROL:
[struggling sounds]
315
00:14:11,239 --> 00:14:14,107
CECIL (O.S.): Cheryl!
Cheryl, open the door!
316
00:14:14,109 --> 00:14:17,811
LANA: Rrrr! Rrrk! Why the
hell's there a lock on it?!
317
00:14:17,813 --> 00:14:20,113
CECIL: Well obviously to
prevent this exact scenario
318
00:14:20,115 --> 00:14:22,983
from ever happening, but-
LANA: Now?! Really?! You think this is a
319
00:14:22,985 --> 00:14:23,984
good time to be facetious?!
320
00:14:23,986 --> 00:14:26,318
CECIL: I'm -- fairly certain you're
not using "facetious" correctlrrmp.
321
00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:29,649
LANA: Cheryl? Can you come out here so
we can talk about this like adults?
322
00:14:29,651 --> 00:14:32,018
Who aren't gonna die
in a helicopter crash?
323
00:14:32,020 --> 00:14:34,688
CHERYL/CAROL: We'll crash with the tapes!
Of all of you stupid
324
00:14:34,690 --> 00:14:37,424
jerks saying I'm crazy!
325
00:14:37,426 --> 00:14:38,125
LANA: The what?
326
00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:38,759
CECIL: [shrug]
327
00:14:38,761 --> 00:14:40,794
CHERYL/CAROL (O.S.): The tapes!
It's part of his sneaky
328
00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:45,399
plan to get a conservatorship over
me so he can steal my inheritance!
329
00:14:45,401 --> 00:14:47,434
ARCHER: That's why she
hijacked his helicopter?
330
00:14:47,436 --> 00:14:49,903
Man, talk about rich
people problems.
331
00:14:49,905 --> 00:14:52,607
PAM (O.S.): Grrrgh...
CYRIL: What're you -- Archer, Pam is dying!
332
00:14:52,609 --> 00:14:54,576
ARCHER: Cyril shut up!
I'm in charge here!
333
00:14:54,578 --> 00:14:57,345
And...okay, here's
what we're doing!
334
00:14:57,347 --> 00:14:58,513
[slurrp]
335
00:14:58,515 --> 00:15:01,250
ARCHER:(burps)
Emergency tracheotomy!
336
00:15:01,252 --> 00:15:02,485
PAM: Grrrk?!
337
00:15:02,487 --> 00:15:03,319
CYRIL: With a crazy straw?!
338
00:15:03,321 --> 00:15:06,322
ARCHER: It's fine, it's pretty
sterile, that Hairy Navel
339
00:15:06,324 --> 00:15:07,991
was mostly Kentucky Moon.
340
00:15:07,993 --> 00:15:08,691
PAM: Grrrgh!
341
00:15:08,693 --> 00:15:10,560
GILLETTE: That's not how
you make a Hairy Navel!
342
00:15:10,562 --> 00:15:13,997
ARCHER: I know, it's a new drink, help
me think of a name, so far all I've
343
00:15:13,999 --> 00:15:15,999
got is Horatio Cornblower.
344
00:15:16,001 --> 00:15:18,935
Which... Okay, Pam!
Here's what's happening!
345
00:15:18,937 --> 00:15:20,336
I'm gonna make a
small incision in
346
00:15:20,338 --> 00:15:22,638
your trachea with this...
PAM: Grrrrk?!
347
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:23,973
CYRIL: Archer!
348
00:15:23,975 --> 00:15:27,043
ARCHER: Yeah right, that's not sterile...
MALORY: Ugh! And since when do
349
00:15:27,045 --> 00:15:28,611
you carry a switchblade?!
350
00:15:28,613 --> 00:15:31,981
ARCHER: It's a long
story, Mother!
351
00:15:31,983 --> 00:15:33,482
Neat.
352
00:15:33,484 --> 00:15:36,518
Well, not so much long as
just not very interesting.
353
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:40,321
Okay, Pam, you with me? Then, I'm
gonna stick this in the incision,
354
00:15:40,323 --> 00:15:41,322
and you should be good to go.
355
00:15:41,324 --> 00:15:42,023
Ready?
356
00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:43,291
PAM: Nnghnnnngh!
357
00:15:43,293 --> 00:15:45,593
ARCHER: I -- no, don't--
Pam, stop it!
358
00:15:45,595 --> 00:15:47,595
[krunch]
359
00:15:47,597 --> 00:15:48,462
PAM: Nnghnnnngh!
360
00:15:48,464 --> 00:15:51,298
ARCHER: Okay, sorry in
advance for this... [krunch]
361
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:51,932
PAM: Ungh!
362
00:15:51,934 --> 00:15:53,367
ARCHER: Unnngh!
363
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:54,101
PAM: Frstrrrdkerrrrrt!
364
00:15:54,103 --> 00:15:56,604
Erperperrrrrn!
365
00:15:56,606 --> 00:15:59,207
CYRIL: Oh my God, the first aid kit!
I think it might have an epi-pen!
366
00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:00,274
PAM: Rrrrhrrrr!
367
00:16:00,276 --> 00:16:02,543
ARCHER: Ow, jeez, and
hopefully a cold pack...
368
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,545
GILLETTE: Go get the
damn first aid kit!
369
00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:06,914
ARCHER: I am! But not
because you said so!
370
00:16:06,916 --> 00:16:09,549
CYRIL: Just breathe
Pam, it's on the way!
371
00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:12,453
So, you think Cecil's really trying
to steal Cheryl's inheritance?
372
00:16:12,455 --> 00:16:13,654
MALORY: Who cares?!
373
00:16:13,656 --> 00:16:14,922
GILLETTE: Well you should.
374
00:16:14,924 --> 00:16:15,756
MALORY: Because...?
375
00:16:15,758 --> 00:16:18,226
GILLETTE: Because you've been
trying to get your bony manhooks
376
00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:20,995
on her money for years, and
how the hell're you gonna
377
00:16:20,997 --> 00:16:22,496
do that if Cecil gets it?!
378
00:16:22,498 --> 00:16:25,032
MALORY: Tapes! We have to find
and destroy the tapes there
379
00:16:25,034 --> 00:16:27,268
must be some sort of recording
device somewhere and
380
00:16:27,270 --> 00:16:29,670
why are you still
standing there go!
381
00:16:29,672 --> 00:16:30,604
CYRIL: What about Pam?!
382
00:16:30,606 --> 00:16:31,538
MALORY: I'll buy you a new one!
383
00:16:31,540 --> 00:16:32,740
CYRIL: Oww!
384
00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:33,941
PAM: Grrgh, grrgh!
385
00:16:33,943 --> 00:16:38,612
MALORY: Oh, quit milking it.
386
00:16:38,614 --> 00:16:40,680
ARCHER: Hey hey hey,
whoa, Lana stop!
387
00:16:40,682 --> 00:16:41,281
LANA: What?!
388
00:16:41,283 --> 00:16:44,684
ARCHER: If you damage that, it might
not work in the event of an emergency.
389
00:16:44,686 --> 00:16:45,985
LANA: And what would
you call this?!
390
00:16:45,987 --> 00:16:46,919
ARCHER: Oh right.
391
00:16:46,921 --> 00:16:49,488
Speaking of, Pam's dying
of anaphylactic shock.
392
00:16:49,490 --> 00:16:50,623
You got a first aid kit?
393
00:16:50,625 --> 00:16:52,358
CECIL: I -- it's in the cockpit!
394
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,025
LANA: Which is locked,
and -- no nonono!
395
00:16:54,027 --> 00:16:55,627
BLAM
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!
396
00:16:55,629 --> 00:16:56,428
CECIL: Gagh!
397
00:16:56,430 --> 00:16:58,496
LANA: And also
apparently bulletproof.
398
00:16:58,498 --> 00:16:59,597
ARCHER: Well yeah, you'd want
399
00:16:59,599 --> 00:17:01,966
it to be, to prevent-
CECIL: You shot me!
400
00:17:01,968 --> 00:17:03,367
You idiot!
401
00:17:03,369 --> 00:17:06,136
ARCHER: Hey! First of all,
if I shot you you'd know it!
402
00:17:06,138 --> 00:17:08,639
And secondly, now
who's the idiot?
403
00:17:08,641 --> 00:17:10,407
CECIL: Wh-? You! All of you!
404
00:17:10,409 --> 00:17:11,242
You're here because I wanted
405
00:17:11,244 --> 00:17:12,710
you here, so I could -
406
00:17:12,712 --> 00:17:13,511
ARCHER: Help us get the
407
00:17:13,513 --> 00:17:14,646
hydrogen bomb, yeah.
408
00:17:14,648 --> 00:17:18,383
CECIL: Oh my God!
There is no bomb!
409
00:17:18,385 --> 00:17:19,517
LANA: What?!
410
00:17:19,519 --> 00:17:22,621
MALORY: Well, guess I
had that coming...
411
00:17:22,623 --> 00:17:24,456
PAM: Grrgh!
412
00:17:24,458 --> 00:17:25,691
MALORY: Well you don't
have to rub it in!
413
00:17:25,693 --> 00:17:30,296
CECIL: I just wanted to get you people
on tape saying Cheryl was crazy, so I
414
00:17:30,298 --> 00:17:34,300
could get control of her inheritance
to fund my numerous philanthropies!
415
00:17:34,302 --> 00:17:35,301
[shunk]
416
00:17:35,303 --> 00:17:38,204
CHERYL/CAROL: A-ha! Hang on.
417
00:17:38,206 --> 00:17:43,409
Now shut up! And land...
This... shitheap!
418
00:17:43,411 --> 00:17:46,779
Ahem. Now, I believe there was some
mention of anaphylactic shock?
419
00:17:46,781 --> 00:17:47,580
LANA: Thank you!
420
00:17:47,582 --> 00:17:49,381
ARCHER: She's my patient, Lana!
421
00:17:49,383 --> 00:17:52,651
LANA: Wait, so if all you wanted was to
get us on tape saying she's crazy...
422
00:17:52,653 --> 00:17:54,452
CHERYL/CAROL: Which I'm
totally not, by the wrrmp.
423
00:17:54,454 --> 00:17:56,621
LANA: You could've done
that in a lawyer's office.
424
00:17:56,623 --> 00:17:59,491
Why drag us all the way out to the
middle of the frickin ocean?!
425
00:17:59,493 --> 00:18:02,594
CECIL: Well... promise
you won't get mad?
426
00:18:02,596 --> 00:18:04,329
LANA: Uh, no?
427
00:18:04,331 --> 00:18:06,264
PAM (O.S.): You ssshole!
428
00:18:06,266 --> 00:18:07,666
PAM: Stupid! Drunk ass!
429
00:18:07,668 --> 00:18:11,002
Switchblade
tracheotomygivin dicknuts!
430
00:18:11,004 --> 00:18:11,602
ARCHER: Ow!
431
00:18:11,604 --> 00:18:13,671
PAM: Rrrgh!
432
00:18:13,673 --> 00:18:15,839
Sorry, thanks, I
feel a lot better.
433
00:18:15,841 --> 00:18:19,276
ARCHER: Yeah that's why I jammed it
in your neck, I figured if -- oww!
434
00:18:19,278 --> 00:18:20,610
ARCHER: What the
hell was that for?!
435
00:18:20,612 --> 00:18:22,612
PAM: Horatio Cornblower?!
436
00:18:22,614 --> 00:18:23,646
ARCHER: I know, right?
437
00:18:23,648 --> 00:18:25,248
You got anything?
438
00:18:25,250 --> 00:18:26,215
PAM: Dicknuts.
439
00:18:26,217 --> 00:18:27,516
CYRIL: Okay, we got the tapes!
440
00:18:27,518 --> 00:18:28,517
MALORY: Big whoop.
441
00:18:28,519 --> 00:18:31,654
CYRIL: I -- wait, I thought you
wanted -what just happened?
442
00:18:31,656 --> 00:18:33,522
MALORY: It was a hoax!
There is no bomb!
443
00:18:33,524 --> 00:18:35,691
GILLETTE: Boom! Guess
you had that comin'
444
00:18:35,693 --> 00:18:37,960
MALORY: Oh, put another
man's penis in it.
445
00:18:37,962 --> 00:18:42,265
TIFFY (O.S.): Attention unwelcome passengers...
We are now landing, so please
446
00:18:42,267 --> 00:18:44,701
find your seats and
fasten your seat belts.
447
00:18:44,703 --> 00:18:50,740
Or not, because frankly, I could give
a shit if all you people live or die.
448
00:18:50,742 --> 00:18:53,442
LANA: The odds on which I'd put at about...
whatcha think,
449
00:18:53,444 --> 00:18:54,877
Cecil? Fifty-to-one?
450
00:18:54,879 --> 00:18:56,412
MALORY: Lana? What's going on?
451
00:18:56,414 --> 00:18:57,446
ARCHER: Somebody shot him.
452
00:18:57,448 --> 00:19:00,048
MALORY: Will you...?
Lana, what's going on?
453
00:19:00,050 --> 00:19:01,683
LANA: Why don't you ask Cecil?
454
00:19:01,685 --> 00:19:04,085
CECIL: Ow! God, your
hands are like --ow!
455
00:19:04,087 --> 00:19:08,355
Well as you may know, one of my many
philanthropic endeavors is an undersea
456
00:19:08,357 --> 00:19:11,458
research laboratory, which, as
luck would have it, is actually
457
00:19:11,460 --> 00:19:12,700
beneath us right now.
458
00:19:12,820 --> 00:19:14,294
LANA: Cut. To the chase.
459
00:19:14,296 --> 00:19:18,683
CECIL: Ow! Anyhoo, the lead scientist is
threatening -- well, he can tell you.
460
00:19:18,803 --> 00:19:22,235
CECIL: Ahem. Captain Murphy?
461
00:19:22,237 --> 00:19:24,470
[creepy music]
462
00:19:24,472 --> 00:19:26,169
CHERYL/CAROL: Please tell
me you guys heard that.
463
00:19:26,289 --> 00:19:28,256
MURPHY: Ahhhh. Mister Tunt.
464
00:19:28,258 --> 00:19:30,392
CECIL: Don't worry,
he can't see us.
465
00:19:30,394 --> 00:19:33,562
MURPHY: No, but I can hear you...
CECIL: Although he can hear us.
466
00:19:33,564 --> 00:19:37,802
MURPHY: Yes I can, and please hear me.
For years, decades,
467
00:19:37,922 --> 00:19:41,704
I have begged the so-called leaders of
the world to stop poisoning our oceans.
468
00:19:41,706 --> 00:19:43,907
But they have ignored my pleas.
469
00:19:43,909 --> 00:19:46,331
As I will ignore theirs, Mr. Tunt.
470
00:19:46,451 --> 00:19:49,856
Unless my
list of demands is met in the next...
471
00:19:49,976 --> 00:19:53,806
Tsk tsk, twelve hours. At which
point, I will launch our
472
00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:56,684
missiles on Washington,
Miami, and New York.
473
00:19:56,977 --> 00:19:59,544
Hope everybody has a gas mask.
474
00:19:59,546 --> 00:20:00,478
[zzzrpt]
475
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,380
LANA: Why do they
have missiles?!
476
00:20:03,382 --> 00:20:05,516
MALORY: And what did he
mean by "gas mask"?!
477
00:20:05,518 --> 00:20:08,719
CECIL: I, you know, that was,
I think, maybe, probably,
478
00:20:08,721 --> 00:20:13,558
because the missiles are definitely
tipped with VX nerve gas?
479
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:14,592
EVERYBODY: [gasp]
480
00:20:14,594 --> 00:20:15,660
ARCHER: Oh my God!
481
00:20:15,662 --> 00:20:16,561
LANA: What?
482
00:20:16,563 --> 00:20:20,498
ARCHER: The -- it's-- the -- dammit!
483
00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:23,869
Still can't beat
Horatio Cornblower.
484
00:20:23,871 --> 00:20:25,270
PAM: Dicknuts!
485
00:20:25,272 --> 00:20:27,506
Hrmmmff.
486
00:20:27,573 --> 00:20:35,046
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com