1
00:00:07,263 --> 00:00:09,027
Winston:
Watching TV-- cool.
2
00:00:09,053 --> 00:00:10,703
Cool.
3
00:00:12,533 --> 00:00:14,001
(Sighs)
4
00:00:15,291 --> 00:00:18,548
Nick: Where do you think you're going?
That charger belongs to all of us.
5
00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:19,702
- Nowhere.
- Jess: Oh, really?
6
00:00:19,714 --> 00:00:21,341
Because it looks
like you're going
7
00:00:21,359 --> 00:00:24,089
to your room to charge
when it's not your turn.
8
00:00:24,107 --> 00:00:25,702
You know the rules, dumb-dumb.
9
00:00:25,759 --> 00:00:27,968
Charger stays in a neutral room.
10
00:00:27,980 --> 00:00:29,234
Why do we only have
one charger anyway?
11
00:00:29,252 --> 00:00:31,170
It was supposed to bring us
closer together.
12
00:00:31,188 --> 00:00:32,122
Hey, look, another charger.
13
00:00:32,128 --> 00:00:34,476
- Take him! - Get him!
- Get down!
14
00:00:34,533 --> 00:00:36,971
You guys get him started,
I'll finish him off.
15
00:00:37,002 --> 00:00:37,793
(All yelling)
16
00:00:37,824 --> 00:00:41,012
- Just... so many dude butts.
- Watch my face, man. That's my face.
17
00:00:41,049 --> 00:00:42,671
Watch my face.
Hey, that's the moneymaker.
18
00:00:42,684 --> 00:00:45,036
No, I'm gonna stop him,
I'm gonna stop...
19
00:00:45,303 --> 00:00:47,609
- Get... No!
- You are terrible at this.
20
00:00:47,646 --> 00:00:49,814
Schmidt: Oh, you can't
outrun the Jewish.
21
00:00:51,883 --> 00:00:52,928
That was stupid.
22
00:00:52,934 --> 00:00:54,384
They are such idiots.
23
00:00:54,397 --> 00:00:55,722
I don't know why I do this.
24
00:00:55,741 --> 00:00:57,260
The charger doesn't
even fit on my phone.
25
00:00:57,278 --> 00:00:59,609
I have, like, six chargers
in my room.
26
00:00:59,737 --> 00:01:00,969
I just do this for fun.
27
00:01:00,987 --> 00:01:02,896
(Laughing):
It's funny.
28
00:01:06,301 --> 00:01:08,182
Well, here we are by ourselves.
29
00:01:08,233 --> 00:01:09,955
What should we do?
30
00:01:09,974 --> 00:01:12,393
- Uh, definitely not make out.
- Definitely not.
31
00:01:12,411 --> 00:01:14,543
(Both laughing)
32
00:01:22,855 --> 00:01:24,506
Your hand's on my boob.
33
00:01:24,579 --> 00:01:25,979
Yeah.
34
00:01:26,145 --> 00:01:27,758
And it's weird.
35
00:01:28,072 --> 00:01:29,763
Maybe it's less weird
because I know
36
00:01:29,780 --> 00:01:31,246
that it's weird--
I'm calling it out.
37
00:01:31,265 --> 00:01:32,763
Doesn't make it less weird.
38
00:01:32,775 --> 00:01:34,771
- Right on.
- So you're an upper-boob guy.
39
00:01:34,783 --> 00:01:36,657
That's the most underrated part
of the boob.
40
00:01:36,673 --> 00:01:37,840
It's what I've always said.
41
00:01:37,861 --> 00:01:39,413
Can I ask you a question?
42
00:01:39,418 --> 00:01:42,265
- Please.
- What's going on here?
43
00:01:42,289 --> 00:01:43,690
- Yeah.
- What are we...?
44
00:01:43,708 --> 00:01:45,262
- We, us?
- What are we doing? Yeah.
45
00:01:45,274 --> 00:01:46,800
We are roommates,
46
00:01:46,845 --> 00:01:48,373
who have made out
a couple of times,
47
00:01:48,398 --> 00:01:50,322
and are attracted to each other.
- Mm-hmm.
48
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:52,032
- And really good friends.
- Yeah.
49
00:01:52,057 --> 00:01:54,929
And sometimes genuinely
kind of hate each other.
50
00:01:55,425 --> 00:01:57,016
And sometimes...
51
00:01:57,047 --> 00:01:59,435
touch each other's boobs.
52
00:02:04,633 --> 00:02:05,965
- Little bit better...
- Not helping.
53
00:02:05,984 --> 00:02:07,212
- Little bit worse?
- Yeah.
54
00:02:07,723 --> 00:02:09,139
♪ Who's that girl?
55
00:02:09,163 --> 00:02:11,594
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess.
56
00:02:11,612 --> 00:02:13,912
New Girl
S02E21
First Date
57
00:02:13,942 --> 00:02:16,242
Sync and corrections by Norther
www.addic7ed.com
58
00:02:16,544 --> 00:02:18,952
Would you describe this
as a sexual act?
59
00:02:18,977 --> 00:02:21,360
I would describe that
as the pledge of allegiance,
60
00:02:21,411 --> 00:02:23,015
which can be sexual. Why?
61
00:02:23,039 --> 00:02:25,320
Because this is what
I got from Nick.
62
00:02:25,378 --> 00:02:27,166
Just out of the blue.
No reason.
63
00:02:27,184 --> 00:02:28,786
Our relationship's
so confusing.
64
00:02:28,805 --> 00:02:30,633
But this is Nick
we're talking about.
65
00:02:30,652 --> 00:02:32,975
He's never gonna tell
me how he feels.
66
00:02:32,987 --> 00:02:34,368
It's always gonna be weird.
67
00:02:34,380 --> 00:02:36,600
And I have to stop
expecting for it to...
68
00:02:36,796 --> 00:02:37,635
change. What?
69
00:02:37,647 --> 00:02:39,444
You realize your hand
is still on your boob, right?
70
00:02:39,462 --> 00:02:41,420
I can't explain it, it's...
71
00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:43,741
it's, like, really
calming me down.
72
00:02:43,766 --> 00:02:47,197
I mean, the sexual tension
has been off the charts.
73
00:02:47,228 --> 00:02:48,923
It's like the wild west.
74
00:02:48,942 --> 00:02:50,731
No laws.
75
00:02:50,750 --> 00:02:52,117
Whiskey for a nickel.
76
00:02:52,152 --> 00:02:54,019
Whores caked in mud.
77
00:02:54,054 --> 00:02:55,721
I don't know what to do.
78
00:02:56,349 --> 00:02:58,619
You're always there
when I need you, Tran.
79
00:02:58,875 --> 00:03:00,417
Thank you.
80
00:03:00,611 --> 00:03:02,288
(Laughs)
I'm glad you got no life.
81
00:03:02,327 --> 00:03:03,619
(Laughing)
82
00:03:03,667 --> 00:03:06,323
I'm joking.
Would you settle down?
83
00:03:06,464 --> 00:03:08,302
My father just died.
84
00:03:08,468 --> 00:03:09,902
I don't know,
life's short, huh?
85
00:03:09,936 --> 00:03:11,761
It just kind of...
86
00:03:12,281 --> 00:03:14,060
I got to start
doing things, Tran.
87
00:03:14,085 --> 00:03:16,582
Making moves,
grown-up moves.
88
00:03:16,634 --> 00:03:19,053
I don't know, I want things.
I want to, like, mow a lawn,
89
00:03:19,077 --> 00:03:21,547
you know, my lawn,
in dark socks.
90
00:03:23,182 --> 00:03:25,001
What's my move with Jess?
91
00:03:25,199 --> 00:03:26,666
What would you do?
92
00:03:27,413 --> 00:03:30,793
Of course you would,
you dirty dog. (Laughs)
93
00:03:32,347 --> 00:03:34,381
Well, in reality, Tran,
94
00:03:34,495 --> 00:03:36,663
what would do if you were me?
95
00:03:38,859 --> 00:03:40,328
A date?
96
00:03:40,433 --> 00:03:42,468
What if that's not
what she wants?
97
00:03:42,713 --> 00:03:43,814
What if she... oh!
98
00:03:43,837 --> 00:03:45,351
What if she...? (Laughs)
99
00:03:45,635 --> 00:03:47,269
All right, you're right--
no second-guessing.
100
00:03:47,292 --> 00:03:49,193
I got to be confident,
I've got to be clear.
101
00:03:49,211 --> 00:03:50,731
Women like that.
102
00:03:50,757 --> 00:03:52,691
All right, I just got to say...
103
00:03:54,231 --> 00:03:55,725
Jessica,
104
00:03:55,925 --> 00:03:57,893
you are a beautiful woman,
105
00:03:58,109 --> 00:04:03,115
and my life has not been
the same since I met you.
106
00:04:03,412 --> 00:04:06,475
And it would mean the world
to me if you would, uh...
107
00:04:06,969 --> 00:04:08,770
go on a date with me.
108
00:04:13,562 --> 00:04:14,875
Hey, Nick.
109
00:04:15,738 --> 00:04:17,377
Jess...
110
00:04:17,908 --> 00:04:19,558
...ica.
111
00:04:19,775 --> 00:04:23,009
Dirty J, Dr. day,
my toilet sister.
112
00:04:23,027 --> 00:04:25,349
If so, food.
113
00:04:27,282 --> 00:04:28,614
You want to get food later?
114
00:04:33,383 --> 00:04:35,118
I'm gonna get dressed now.
115
00:04:36,670 --> 00:04:38,124
Okay, bye.
116
00:04:40,014 --> 00:04:42,776
- Did you put the charger the bathroom?
- The most neutral room in the loft.
117
00:04:42,806 --> 00:04:44,532
- Yeah, well, I moved it to the kitchen.
- The kitchen?
118
00:04:44,544 --> 00:04:46,310
- Hey, guys.
- Nick, what's more neutral?
119
00:04:46,364 --> 00:04:49,207
The awesome bathroom or
the stupid, stupid kitchen?
120
00:04:49,232 --> 00:04:51,591
I have a lot of thoughts
on this, but first, Schmidt,
121
00:04:51,609 --> 00:04:52,941
I have a favor.
122
00:04:53,003 --> 00:04:55,168
- It's about my clothes.
- Burn them, burn them all.
123
00:04:55,199 --> 00:04:57,547
No, no, no, no, no,
I have a date tonight,
124
00:04:57,572 --> 00:04:59,357
and, you know, there's a lot
of women who sleep with you,
125
00:04:59,376 --> 00:05:01,614
and I can't figure out why, so maybe
it's about clothes, and maybe...
126
00:05:01,638 --> 00:05:04,262
Are you asking me if I'll help
you pick out clothing
127
00:05:04,281 --> 00:05:06,231
so you can seduce a woman?
- I was.
128
00:05:06,249 --> 00:05:10,257
I don't know. It's only all I've been
wanting for the past ten years, Nick.
129
00:05:11,623 --> 00:05:14,592
Yes, that is how you wrap
a son of a bitch in wool.
130
00:05:14,645 --> 00:05:16,924
Now, if somebody asks you
who you're wearing tonight,
131
00:05:16,949 --> 00:05:18,662
what do you say? Do it, bro.
- I don't want to do that.
132
00:05:18,679 --> 00:05:20,448
- I don't want to do that.
- Do it.
133
00:05:22,269 --> 00:05:23,871
- I'm wearing Schmidt. Yeah.
- Yeah, you are.
134
00:05:23,896 --> 00:05:26,310
And neckscape by Winston.
135
00:05:26,335 --> 00:05:29,180
Oh... whoa, who is
that handsome devil?
136
00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:31,154
Okay, now, here's some things
you want to hide about yourself
137
00:05:31,166 --> 00:05:32,515
on tonight's date, okay?
- Definitely, yeah.
138
00:05:32,539 --> 00:05:33,970
That you're cheap,
you're a heavy drinker,
139
00:05:33,980 --> 00:05:35,747
you're broke and you have
a problem with anger.
140
00:05:35,765 --> 00:05:37,214
Your car is horrible.
141
00:05:37,233 --> 00:05:39,914
So go ahead and take
my new Foscapay.
142
00:05:41,184 --> 00:05:42,742
What's a Foscapay?
143
00:05:43,088 --> 00:05:43,998
Uh, Ford Escape.
144
00:05:44,016 --> 00:05:45,445
I'm still work-shopping
nicknames.
145
00:05:45,493 --> 00:05:46,998
- By the way, who's the girl?
- Who's the girl?
146
00:05:47,016 --> 00:05:48,397
- Who's the girl? Yeah.
- Uh, what's her name?
147
00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:50,035
It's, uh, yeah, it's, uh...
148
00:05:50,291 --> 00:05:52,925
Her name is, uh,
obviously Yolanda.
149
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:56,105
Uh...
her last name is Winston.
150
00:05:58,551 --> 00:06:00,906
- I should go.
- Oh, I love latino girls.
151
00:06:01,408 --> 00:06:02,575
Yolanda Winston.
152
00:06:03,039 --> 00:06:04,185
Schmidt, that's a fake name.
153
00:06:04,191 --> 00:06:06,126
Yeah, but why would
he lie about...
154
00:06:06,147 --> 00:06:07,314
Oh, my God.
155
00:06:07,454 --> 00:06:09,722
- Nick is a male escort.
- Jess...
156
00:06:11,269 --> 00:06:13,033
- Probably not a... Yeah.
- Jess, man.
157
00:06:13,045 --> 00:06:16,376
Do you realize what it means
if Jess and Nick become a couple?
158
00:06:16,395 --> 00:06:18,065
Nick is our glue, man.
You know, without him,
159
00:06:18,090 --> 00:06:19,568
it just doesn't work--
it never has.
160
00:06:20,235 --> 00:06:22,211
See what I mean?
He's awesome, man.
161
00:06:22,230 --> 00:06:24,268
This is my,
one of my best friends, too.
162
00:06:24,303 --> 00:06:25,846
I'm gonna use the bathroom.
163
00:06:33,606 --> 00:06:35,200
(Weakly):
Nick...
164
00:06:37,212 --> 00:06:38,206
Nick...
165
00:06:38,392 --> 00:06:41,112
All of our stories start
and end with Nick.
166
00:06:41,161 --> 00:06:42,824
What if Nick decides
he's gonna leave us?
167
00:06:42,849 --> 00:06:44,424
Well, you know what
we have to do, right?
168
00:06:44,699 --> 00:06:45,703
We're gonna track Jess down
169
00:06:45,722 --> 00:06:47,834
and kill her with this knife.
- We have to sabotage the date.
170
00:06:49,008 --> 00:06:50,959
Or we do your thing.
171
00:06:52,214 --> 00:06:53,881
Let's do your thing.
172
00:06:57,681 --> 00:06:59,478
- Hey, Jess.
- Hey.
173
00:06:59,509 --> 00:07:01,498
What are you doing over
there by the hot dogs?
174
00:07:01,521 --> 00:07:04,184
You gave me the address, I just assumed
we were eating at the hot dog stand.
175
00:07:04,209 --> 00:07:05,783
- No...
- Why are you wearing a suit?
176
00:07:05,808 --> 00:07:07,521
Did you just apply
for a loan or something?
177
00:07:07,546 --> 00:07:09,460
No, I'm, uh...
178
00:07:12,229 --> 00:07:13,179
I'm wearing Schmidt.
179
00:07:13,197 --> 00:07:14,366
You're wear...
you're wearing what?
180
00:07:14,384 --> 00:07:15,713
I'm wearing Schmidt, uh...
181
00:07:15,725 --> 00:07:16,844
Winston shaved my face.
182
00:07:16,896 --> 00:07:18,301
(Laughs)
183
00:07:18,413 --> 00:07:19,089
Weird.
184
00:07:19,107 --> 00:07:20,970
Well, come on, let's
get some dinner.
185
00:07:21,090 --> 00:07:23,782
Come on, I got a reservation.
Come on. (Siren chirps)
186
00:07:24,957 --> 00:07:25,541
What?
187
00:07:25,559 --> 00:07:27,530
Hi, there, sir.
Afraid, uh,
188
00:07:27,571 --> 00:07:29,891
you apparently didn't see
the crosswalk was over there.
189
00:07:29,903 --> 00:07:32,633
Oh, let's not sweat the small stuff,
officer. I'm walking across the street.
190
00:07:32,639 --> 00:07:34,797
- Afraid I'm gonna have to write you
up for jaywalking. - Stay calm,
191
00:07:34,815 --> 00:07:36,222
make tiny fists with your toes.
192
00:07:36,259 --> 00:07:38,325
- I'm really sorry about this.
- Jess, I'm not upset.
193
00:07:38,356 --> 00:07:39,894
This man is merely doing his job.
194
00:07:39,925 --> 00:07:41,021
You were right, I was wrong.
195
00:07:41,038 --> 00:07:42,806
Here you go, sir.
Thank you, officer.
196
00:07:43,211 --> 00:07:44,883
$340?!
197
00:07:44,901 --> 00:07:47,846
Yeah, I know it's a lot.
They raised it last year, I think.
198
00:07:48,110 --> 00:07:48,979
Have a good night, ma'am.
199
00:07:49,006 --> 00:07:51,558
- All right, just scram. (Laughs)
- You too, sir.
200
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,692
Dinner?
201
00:07:54,305 --> 00:07:56,016
- Okay.
- Okay.
202
00:07:57,241 --> 00:07:59,097
- After you.
- Thank you.
203
00:07:59,115 --> 00:08:00,482
Okay.
204
00:08:01,156 --> 00:08:02,625
Very lovely.
205
00:08:05,247 --> 00:08:06,681
What an establishment.
206
00:08:06,733 --> 00:08:08,306
It's my favorite in the city.
207
00:08:09,308 --> 00:08:10,541
Right on time.
208
00:08:10,628 --> 00:08:11,975
Oh...
209
00:08:12,021 --> 00:08:13,847
Keep it coming.
210
00:08:15,411 --> 00:08:17,435
Hey, Nick,
can I ask you a question?
211
00:08:17,475 --> 00:08:18,554
What's on your mind?
212
00:08:18,579 --> 00:08:20,035
Well, I'm just asking...
213
00:08:20,059 --> 00:08:21,789
if this is a date.
214
00:08:24,955 --> 00:08:28,843
- What do you mean, "is this a date?"
- I'm just... I'm asking you if this is a date.
215
00:08:29,288 --> 00:08:30,555
It seems like a date.
216
00:08:30,854 --> 00:08:33,141
You've been thinking it's
a date this whole time?
217
00:08:33,244 --> 00:08:34,995
- I'm just asking you.
- How embarrassing for you.
218
00:08:35,020 --> 00:08:36,872
No, for me, it's just
hanging out in a suit,
219
00:08:36,897 --> 00:08:38,710
getting champagne
with my friend.
220
00:08:39,948 --> 00:08:40,698
(Grunts)
221
00:08:40,723 --> 00:08:42,419
I think we're ready to order.
222
00:08:42,532 --> 00:08:44,222
I have an idea--
I'm gonna have the bartender
223
00:08:44,253 --> 00:08:46,053
send over two
tropical cocktails.
224
00:08:46,081 --> 00:08:47,852
Jess will be all,
"Why, thank you."
225
00:08:47,881 --> 00:08:50,126
Nick will be all, "Grandpa
didn't get a face full
226
00:08:50,150 --> 00:08:53,659
of Japanese bullets just so you
could drink a melted popsicle."
227
00:08:53,662 --> 00:08:54,312
Or...
228
00:08:54,324 --> 00:08:56,023
we could break into a zoo,
229
00:08:56,057 --> 00:08:57,799
steal a bear,
230
00:08:57,853 --> 00:09:01,220
then we shoot that bear full
of Hep C, and then we release
231
00:09:01,238 --> 00:09:03,857
that bear in the restaurant
right when they order dessert.
232
00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:05,627
- Winston, you're terrible at pranks.
- I get that.
233
00:09:05,674 --> 00:09:08,263
You don't think just a bear
alone in a restaurant is enough?
234
00:09:08,284 --> 00:09:10,414
- You know who would know what to do?
- I do know who would know what to do.
235
00:09:10,437 --> 00:09:11,764
- Nick.
- Nick.
236
00:09:13,456 --> 00:09:15,081
We can't call him, right?
237
00:09:15,192 --> 00:09:16,892
(Cell phone ringing)
238
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:20,727
Ooh.
239
00:09:20,733 --> 00:09:23,346
They have, uh, Brussels sprouts
with pancetta.
240
00:09:23,390 --> 00:09:25,053
That's a fancy name for bacon.
241
00:09:25,441 --> 00:09:27,085
Hold the Brussels sprouts.
Am I right?
242
00:09:27,118 --> 00:09:29,843
Everybody loves
bacon, Jess-- New topic.
243
00:09:30,631 --> 00:09:32,206
You know, um...
244
00:09:32,463 --> 00:09:34,274
- If this were a date...
- Yeah, but it wasn't, Jess...
245
00:09:34,293 --> 00:09:36,481
- But, I mean, if it were...
- It wasn't a...
246
00:09:37,005 --> 00:09:39,670
And it's probably good
because your ex-boyfriend just
247
00:09:39,688 --> 00:09:41,270
walked into the restaurant.
248
00:09:41,297 --> 00:09:43,235
- Who?
- The only man we both loved.
249
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:44,459
Russell.
250
00:09:44,484 --> 00:09:45,765
- Hey.
- Hi.
251
00:09:45,803 --> 00:09:48,524
Hi, so this is why
you dumped me, huh?
252
00:09:48,530 --> 00:09:49,787
- Oh, well...
- No...
253
00:09:49,806 --> 00:09:51,437
Just kidding.
I'm glad to see
254
00:09:51,455 --> 00:09:52,543
this is finally happening.
255
00:09:52,561 --> 00:09:54,007
- Nothing's happening, so...
- Nothing's happening
256
00:09:54,025 --> 00:09:55,842
because I was never told
it was happening,
257
00:09:55,879 --> 00:09:59,078
so if a happening happens and
you don't know that it happened,
258
00:09:59,103 --> 00:10:00,519
did it happen, you know?
259
00:10:00,656 --> 00:10:01,442
Russell:
Right on.
260
00:10:01,460 --> 00:10:04,018
Um, hey, enjoy my lucky table.
261
00:10:04,341 --> 00:10:05,784
I'm Brandy.
262
00:10:08,382 --> 00:10:09,919
Okay.
263
00:10:13,143 --> 00:10:14,612
You know what?
264
00:10:15,049 --> 00:10:17,739
Can we just forget
about this date,
265
00:10:17,884 --> 00:10:20,023
or not-date, and...
266
00:10:20,057 --> 00:10:21,571
Maybe start over
267
00:10:21,596 --> 00:10:23,519
and go get a drink
at the bar as friends?
268
00:10:23,549 --> 00:10:24,848
Drinking to forget?
269
00:10:24,866 --> 00:10:26,423
That's my sweet spot.
270
00:10:26,898 --> 00:10:28,573
- Let's do that.
- Okay.
271
00:10:28,746 --> 00:10:30,947
(Sighs) These clothes
are so uncomfortable.
272
00:10:31,420 --> 00:10:33,605
Glad to get it off.
In there.
273
00:10:34,048 --> 00:10:35,297
You ready to drink
with a friend?
274
00:10:35,316 --> 00:10:36,923
- I am, Jess.
- Yes.
275
00:10:36,942 --> 00:10:39,084
Let's do this.
(Siren chirps)
276
00:10:40,374 --> 00:10:42,713
Why isn't the crosswalk here?
Just let it out.
277
00:10:42,744 --> 00:10:45,382
- Just let it out.
- This is where people want to cross, sir.
278
00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:46,488
We don't need our table.
279
00:10:46,507 --> 00:10:48,554
We're sitting at the bar.
Not a date.
280
00:10:48,579 --> 00:10:51,107
Your table's all yours--
not on a date.
281
00:10:51,132 --> 00:10:52,331
Schmidt:
I think we're doing too much
282
00:10:52,349 --> 00:10:55,388
brainstorming and not enough
good old-fashioned remembering.
283
00:10:55,394 --> 00:10:58,025
What's the worst thing that you've
ever experienced on a date?
284
00:10:59,129 --> 00:11:02,824
♪ I will be your father figure
285
00:11:02,854 --> 00:11:06,092
♪ put your tiny hand in mine
286
00:11:06,115 --> 00:11:09,248
♪ I will be your
preacher teacher ♪
287
00:11:09,291 --> 00:11:12,278
♪ Anything you have in mind
288
00:11:12,309 --> 00:11:15,528
♪ I will be your father figure
289
00:11:15,549 --> 00:11:18,551
♪ I have had enough of crime
290
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:22,362
♪ I will be the one
who loves you ♪
291
00:11:22,747 --> 00:11:26,089
♪ Till the end of time.
292
00:11:28,287 --> 00:11:30,330
Schmidt: Outside Dave,
my friend Winston here
293
00:11:30,349 --> 00:11:31,980
holds in his hands the lyrics
294
00:11:32,044 --> 00:11:34,208
to sir George Michael's
"Father Figure."
295
00:11:34,220 --> 00:11:36,076
- I'm familiar.
- What's it gonna take for you to lose
296
00:11:36,088 --> 00:11:37,731
the shirt and go ruin
a date for us?
297
00:11:37,737 --> 00:11:39,537
We're willing
to pay you handsomely.
298
00:11:39,709 --> 00:11:41,619
Four million U.S. dollars
299
00:11:41,631 --> 00:11:43,749
and a trip to wine country.
300
00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:45,722
(Chuckles)
301
00:11:47,939 --> 00:11:50,273
Schmidt (Whispering):
I don't have $4 million.
302
00:11:50,658 --> 00:11:51,689
All right, give him that.
303
00:11:51,742 --> 00:11:53,243
I'll tell you what.
304
00:11:53,533 --> 00:11:55,193
25 minutes of TV time
305
00:11:55,210 --> 00:11:57,620
and two home-cooked
sandwiches.
306
00:11:59,250 --> 00:12:02,126
One home-cooked sandwich.
307
00:12:03,788 --> 00:12:05,168
- Deal.
- Yeah, deal.
308
00:12:05,218 --> 00:12:06,393
Okay, Outside Dave.
309
00:12:06,425 --> 00:12:09,163
Make yourself at home here on the couch,
and I'll get started on those sandwiches...
310
00:12:09,181 --> 00:12:11,041
To the laboratory!
311
00:12:11,456 --> 00:12:13,363
Diversion!
312
00:12:13,730 --> 00:12:15,454
(Door slams shut)
Two urinals?
313
00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:16,702
I'm rich!
314
00:12:16,835 --> 00:12:18,216
(Nick and Jess laughing)
315
00:12:18,234 --> 00:12:19,668
You both have jobs.
316
00:12:19,678 --> 00:12:20,899
Get another charger.
317
00:12:20,917 --> 00:12:22,251
I love those guys,
but they're idiots.
318
00:12:22,276 --> 00:12:24,220
- They are idiots.
- They are so dumb.
319
00:12:24,245 --> 00:12:26,224
To their credit,
they don't go around
320
00:12:26,248 --> 00:12:28,404
randomly grabbing
each other's boobs.
321
00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:30,974
- That we know of.
- Randomly? Oh, no way.
322
00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:32,592
You put it out there, Jess.
323
00:12:32,610 --> 00:12:33,735
- What?
- Yes, you do.
324
00:12:33,741 --> 00:12:35,365
I do not put it out there.
325
00:12:35,384 --> 00:12:37,271
"Hey, Nick, will you help me
open this jar?"
326
00:12:37,296 --> 00:12:38,043
(Laughing):
What?
327
00:12:38,062 --> 00:12:39,218
- Yes.
- I can't open the jar.
328
00:12:39,245 --> 00:12:41,043
"How do you restart
the Internet?"
329
00:12:41,056 --> 00:12:42,816
That's just me suffering
through life.
330
00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:44,251
You have to stop,
331
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:46,775
because it's ridiculously hot.
332
00:12:47,153 --> 00:12:48,691
Okay?
333
00:12:49,291 --> 00:12:51,797
It's... hard for me
to deal with,
334
00:12:51,802 --> 00:12:53,408
'cause it's too hot.
335
00:12:54,223 --> 00:12:55,058
All right, fine.
336
00:12:55,076 --> 00:12:57,686
Then you have to stop
gargling your beer.
337
00:12:57,909 --> 00:12:59,528
- That's a turn-on?
- It's hot.
338
00:12:59,584 --> 00:13:01,022
- (Gurgles)
- (Laughs)
339
00:13:01,049 --> 00:13:03,224
- That is so weird, that that's a turn-on.
- You're like...
340
00:13:03,242 --> 00:13:04,713
Might as well be in, like, a...
341
00:13:04,725 --> 00:13:06,631
like a hose, spraying you down.
342
00:13:06,645 --> 00:13:09,225
- You are out of your mind.
- (Gurgles)
343
00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:11,138
(Both laugh)
344
00:13:12,386 --> 00:13:13,620
Hey.
345
00:13:14,896 --> 00:13:17,203
Do you want to get some dinner?
346
00:13:20,131 --> 00:13:21,698
Like a...
347
00:13:22,088 --> 00:13:23,838
like a date?
(Laughs)
348
00:13:25,452 --> 00:13:27,820
- Yeah. Let's...
- Okay.
349
00:13:29,027 --> 00:13:30,861
- Yes! Let's do it!
- We're going on a date!
350
00:13:30,908 --> 00:13:31,975
- Yes!
- Yes!
351
00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:33,554
(Siren chirps)
352
00:13:34,539 --> 00:13:36,236
Come on, guys.
353
00:13:36,638 --> 00:13:39,082
Guys, so sorry. Curveball.
354
00:13:39,107 --> 00:13:40,438
We need the table back.
355
00:13:40,472 --> 00:13:42,065
We are on a date.
356
00:13:42,121 --> 00:13:43,998
- We are on a date.
- Amazing.
357
00:13:44,025 --> 00:13:46,922
Hey, Marc, could you clear the table
but leave the breadsticks?
358
00:13:47,174 --> 00:13:49,149
Actually, don't clear the table,
'cause that looks good.
359
00:13:49,208 --> 00:13:50,021
(Laughs)
360
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,396
Could you clear the fish?
361
00:13:54,805 --> 00:13:56,740
I don't want to be
too forward, but...
362
00:13:56,774 --> 00:13:59,762
whatever baby wants, baby gets.
363
00:13:59,805 --> 00:14:00,738
Daddy's buying.
364
00:14:00,763 --> 00:14:02,235
Well, look,
you keep buying my drinks,
365
00:14:02,254 --> 00:14:04,180
I'll put out
no matter what you say.
366
00:14:04,204 --> 00:14:05,691
- Ooh.
- I guess the good ones
367
00:14:05,721 --> 00:14:07,752
aren't all married or gay.
368
00:14:07,939 --> 00:14:08,815
(Slurps)
369
00:14:08,852 --> 00:14:10,140
How many have we had?
370
00:14:10,165 --> 00:14:12,150
- (Laughs) Ooh!
- (Laughs)
371
00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:14,724
Hey, Russell!
372
00:14:14,785 --> 00:14:15,737
Nice to see you!
373
00:14:15,749 --> 00:14:17,459
Date's going really well.
374
00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:19,481
That's... that's great news.
375
00:14:19,512 --> 00:14:21,320
- Really, really nice to see you guys.
- Yeah.
376
00:14:21,338 --> 00:14:22,851
You two are...
377
00:14:23,495 --> 00:14:25,043
really something.
378
00:14:30,162 --> 00:14:32,238
"Really something."
What does that mean?
379
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:34,398
- Hmm.
- You know, we're having a great date.
380
00:14:34,417 --> 00:14:35,660
- Right?
- Who cares what he thinks?
381
00:14:35,679 --> 00:14:37,333
- (Laughing): Who cares what he says?
- I don't... agree.
382
00:14:37,373 --> 00:14:38,673
(Laughs)
383
00:14:38,683 --> 00:14:42,927
(Chuckles)
(Slurping)
384
00:14:44,264 --> 00:14:45,870
- Hey! Hey, Russell!
- Hey!
385
00:14:45,889 --> 00:14:47,570
- Oh, God. Where's my car?
- Jess: Hey, you said we were
386
00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:49,638
- "really something..." and we want to know
what that means. - What does that mean?
387
00:14:49,658 --> 00:14:51,739
- Nick: Yeah.
- This may come as a shock,
388
00:14:51,762 --> 00:14:53,720
but I have no opinion
about you two.
389
00:14:53,744 --> 00:14:55,870
Did you valet?
God, that is classy.
390
00:14:55,882 --> 00:14:57,668
You know what?
You can't just tell
391
00:14:57,711 --> 00:15:00,082
two people that they're
"really something"
392
00:15:00,101 --> 00:15:01,470
and just walk away.
393
00:15:01,489 --> 00:15:03,110
Fine. You-you want
to know what I meant?
394
00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:05,398
- Yes! - You live together and
you had three dates tonight.
395
00:15:05,540 --> 00:15:06,953
What's that?
396
00:15:07,101 --> 00:15:10,627
I think you guys don't really know
what you are to each other. Right?
397
00:15:10,645 --> 00:15:13,009
- Well, you're wrong. No, you're wrong. Yeah.
- You are wrong, because we know what we are...
398
00:15:13,021 --> 00:15:14,583
We do know... yeah.
We know what we are.
399
00:15:14,606 --> 00:15:15,818
Okay, this'll be fun.
400
00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:18,107
Tell you what.
Why don't you write it down?
401
00:15:18,519 --> 00:15:19,738
Seriously.
402
00:15:19,790 --> 00:15:21,440
Write down what
you think this is.
403
00:15:21,458 --> 00:15:22,805
Is this a relationship,
404
00:15:22,824 --> 00:15:25,031
a one-night stand,
above the waist only?
405
00:15:25,180 --> 00:15:25,987
No wrong answers.
406
00:15:25,999 --> 00:15:27,576
- You had two pens on you this whole time?
- Well, sure.
407
00:15:27,598 --> 00:15:29,592
- That's the move right there.
- You better believe it.
408
00:15:29,684 --> 00:15:31,622
(Laughs)
409
00:15:35,842 --> 00:15:38,667
Outside Dave: This is so much
better than the gutter!
410
00:15:38,698 --> 00:15:41,304
I'm calling the Police, I'm calling
the D.A., I'm calling somebody.
411
00:15:41,323 --> 00:15:44,159
- Mmm, smells like ladies in here.
- Damn it. My battery's dead.
412
00:15:44,171 --> 00:15:47,228
Yeah, mine, too.
Where is the charger?
413
00:15:49,347 --> 00:15:51,856
Schmidt, you put the charger
back in the bathroom?
414
00:15:51,875 --> 00:15:54,128
I'm sorry, okay? I thought it
was the neutralest room.
415
00:15:54,153 --> 00:15:56,072
Outside Dave:
Three, two, one...
416
00:15:56,222 --> 00:15:57,789
(Grunting):
...zero!
417
00:15:57,904 --> 00:15:59,542
(Clears throat, sighs)
418
00:16:02,399 --> 00:16:03,906
- Let's just go, Brandy.
- Jess: Wait. No, no, no, no.
419
00:16:03,929 --> 00:16:06,560
- Don't go. Yeah, I got it, too. Me, too.
- I got this, I got this.
420
00:16:06,578 --> 00:16:07,348
There it is.
421
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,121
Okay.
Figured it out.
422
00:16:09,848 --> 00:16:12,404
- Good. Great. - Great.
- Russell: Okay.
423
00:16:15,383 --> 00:16:17,585
Y-you know what?
This wasn't such a good idea.
424
00:16:17,603 --> 00:16:18,850
Maybe just forget
I thought of it.
425
00:16:18,875 --> 00:16:20,434
- We're just gonna go. All right?
- Yeah. Yeah.
426
00:16:20,471 --> 00:16:21,888
It's best that way.
427
00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:24,503
- What did you write?
- What did you write?
428
00:16:24,896 --> 00:16:26,571
- Russell, Russell, hey.
- Russell, we have to get
429
00:16:26,583 --> 00:16:28,152
to the bottom of this.
- Okay, move it, move it.
430
00:16:28,158 --> 00:16:29,783
Excuse me, sir.
431
00:16:30,359 --> 00:16:32,093
The crosswalk... geez.
432
00:16:32,221 --> 00:16:33,421
Sorry.
433
00:16:34,174 --> 00:16:36,141
Oh, my gosh.
434
00:16:38,807 --> 00:16:40,869
Outside Dave:
Hair sauce!
435
00:16:40,968 --> 00:16:43,557
- Hair sauce? Oh, my God.
- Mmm, feels like mud.
436
00:16:43,575 --> 00:16:45,967
If he even looks
at my pomade caddy,
437
00:16:45,986 --> 00:16:48,189
I will turn every hobo
in the city against him.
438
00:16:48,207 --> 00:16:50,797
I will poison every pie
on every windowsill.
439
00:16:50,816 --> 00:16:53,563
He doesn't steal pies
from windowsills.
440
00:16:53,594 --> 00:16:56,876
He is a real-life
homeless person.
441
00:16:56,903 --> 00:16:58,316
We need to call the cops.
442
00:16:58,335 --> 00:17:00,693
Oh, I'm sorry, we can't.
You know why?
443
00:17:00,722 --> 00:17:03,372
- Yeah, your phone's dead.
- Because of you, Schmidt.
444
00:17:03,409 --> 00:17:05,160
You want to know why I'd rather
hang out with Nick?
445
00:17:05,179 --> 00:17:06,632
- Shh. What is that?
- Outside Dave: Time to cut the grass.
446
00:17:06,638 --> 00:17:08,423
He's using my
four-in-one groomer.
447
00:17:08,447 --> 00:17:09,205
I'm going in there.
448
00:17:09,223 --> 00:17:10,782
- No! Schmidt! Absolutely not!
- I'm going in there, man.
449
00:17:10,806 --> 00:17:13,465
You hear that? Because that...
that is not the fourth use.
450
00:17:13,494 --> 00:17:15,658
- There's no sanctioned fifth use!
- Hey, Schmidt! Schmidt!
451
00:17:15,676 --> 00:17:17,495
- Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!
- He's using it for a fifth use!
452
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:18,664
Nick is gonna be home soon.
453
00:17:18,683 --> 00:17:20,542
Okay? And then everything
will be fine.
454
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,034
- Nick will know what to do.
- There's no time.
455
00:17:22,046 --> 00:17:23,565
- I'm going to the roof.
- What are you... Schmidt,
456
00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:25,997
why are you going up...
- Oh, my gosh, it's full of bugs.
457
00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:28,340
Nick,
458
00:17:28,352 --> 00:17:30,596
I need to know how you feel.
459
00:17:30,714 --> 00:17:32,051
What did you write
on that card?
460
00:17:32,070 --> 00:17:34,642
Well, what did you
write on your card?
461
00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:36,830
- Let's say it at the same time,
- Okay.
462
00:17:36,842 --> 00:17:38,645
on the count of three.
463
00:17:39,272 --> 00:17:41,640
One, two, three...
464
00:17:47,873 --> 00:17:48,873
Okay.
465
00:17:48,891 --> 00:17:50,121
From now on,
466
00:17:50,202 --> 00:17:51,865
no funny business.
467
00:17:52,027 --> 00:17:54,087
We do middle school
dance rules.
468
00:17:54,122 --> 00:17:56,757
Three feet on the floor,
no body hugs.
469
00:17:57,034 --> 00:17:58,734
- Is that what you want?
- Yeah.
470
00:17:58,770 --> 00:18:00,234
- You sure?
- Yeah.
471
00:18:02,976 --> 00:18:04,770
- Okay.
- Great.
472
00:18:05,866 --> 00:18:06,891
You got it.
473
00:18:06,915 --> 00:18:08,220
Wonderful.
474
00:18:13,020 --> 00:18:14,768
- Really?
- I...
475
00:18:16,461 --> 00:18:18,360
They've got a great
squish to 'em.
476
00:18:18,423 --> 00:18:20,873
- I couldn't stop thinking about it.
- Can't argue with you.
477
00:18:21,380 --> 00:18:23,203
Outside Dave:
Wow, you can see my skin.
478
00:18:23,222 --> 00:18:24,375
(Buzzing)
479
00:18:24,507 --> 00:18:26,141
Oh, good lord.
480
00:18:26,164 --> 00:18:28,058
Outside Dave:
Hot damn!
481
00:18:29,410 --> 00:18:30,197
(Sighs)
482
00:18:31,351 --> 00:18:32,166
You got this.
483
00:18:32,211 --> 00:18:34,015
You got this. Whoa.
(Screams)
484
00:18:34,526 --> 00:18:35,966
Schmidt:
What are you doing?
485
00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:37,840
- Outside Dave: Stop moving.
- Schmidt: Get off of me! (Screams)
486
00:18:37,871 --> 00:18:39,034
Hey, Schmidt!
487
00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:40,693
- He's got my leg!
- Winston: Outside Dave,
488
00:18:40,716 --> 00:18:41,863
man, what's happening in there?
489
00:18:41,881 --> 00:18:43,983
- Schmidt: What are you d... (Screams)
- Schmidt!
490
00:18:44,024 --> 00:18:45,603
Please! No!
491
00:18:45,665 --> 00:18:47,114
He's real homeless!
492
00:18:47,139 --> 00:18:48,018
(Screams)
493
00:18:48,043 --> 00:18:49,499
- No! Get off!
- Come on. Come on!
494
00:18:49,517 --> 00:18:51,492
If you're hurting him,
I swear... oh, my...
495
00:18:51,504 --> 00:18:52,703
Outside Dave:
It's shorts weather.
496
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:54,875
Everybody's gonna
want to dance with you.
497
00:18:54,893 --> 00:18:56,861
Well, you're going against
the grain, you animal!
498
00:18:56,873 --> 00:18:58,277
Is he shaving your legs?
499
00:18:58,314 --> 00:19:00,369
Winston! Thank goodness!
Catch me.
500
00:19:00,394 --> 00:19:01,744
I got...
501
00:19:01,795 --> 00:19:04,226
I was about to catch you,
and then you just fell.
502
00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,027
(Sighs)
503
00:19:06,678 --> 00:19:07,711
You just saved my life.
504
00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:09,726
Anything, man,
as long as you're okay.
505
00:19:10,206 --> 00:19:11,019
You're okay?
506
00:19:11,037 --> 00:19:12,317
Well, I don't know.
507
00:19:12,450 --> 00:19:14,251
You break that whole thing down,
there was...
508
00:19:14,647 --> 00:19:16,558
A homeless man
was just shaving my leg.
509
00:19:16,583 --> 00:19:17,939
Yeah.
510
00:19:19,868 --> 00:19:21,269
Hey, man.
511
00:19:21,697 --> 00:19:23,331
Winston and Schmidt.
512
00:19:24,441 --> 00:19:25,323
Winston and Schmidt.
513
00:19:25,341 --> 00:19:26,572
- All right!
- Okay.
514
00:19:26,604 --> 00:19:27,704
- Yeah.
- All right, man.
515
00:19:27,722 --> 00:19:30,185
How long have the two of you
been the best of friends?
516
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:31,895
Longer than we ever knew.
517
00:19:31,942 --> 00:19:34,634
I will say it's hard to have a moment
with you when there's a homeless dude
518
00:19:34,660 --> 00:19:36,406
dropping a deuce in our urinal.
519
00:19:39,477 --> 00:19:41,596
- We never actually ate, so...
- Yeah, I know.
520
00:19:41,608 --> 00:19:43,167
I'm getting a snack.
I'm going to bed.
521
00:19:43,185 --> 00:19:44,930
- Can I have some of these?
- Sure.
522
00:19:55,137 --> 00:19:56,318
Jess, I can help you.
523
00:19:56,348 --> 00:19:57,876
I got it.
524
00:19:57,973 --> 00:19:59,154
(Banging)
525
00:19:59,196 --> 00:20:00,154
(Grunts)
526
00:20:00,191 --> 00:20:01,304
I got it.
527
00:20:01,385 --> 00:20:02,909
I don't even n...
I don't even...
528
00:20:02,934 --> 00:20:04,571
I don't even want...
529
00:20:05,055 --> 00:20:06,389
(Sighs)
530
00:20:10,556 --> 00:20:12,360
(Jar pops open)
531
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:14,746
(Sets lid on counter)
532
00:20:15,544 --> 00:20:16,463
Thank you.
533
00:20:16,508 --> 00:20:17,642
You're welcome.
534
00:20:18,019 --> 00:20:19,546
I'm gonna go to bed now.
535
00:20:19,581 --> 00:20:20,848
Okay.
536
00:20:24,609 --> 00:20:26,435
Don't.
(Sighs)
537
00:20:29,397 --> 00:20:30,898
(Gargles)
538
00:20:32,363 --> 00:20:34,464
I have to go to sleep.
539
00:20:34,618 --> 00:20:36,018
I'll walk with you.
540
00:20:50,103 --> 00:20:51,904
(Whispering):
Good night, Miller.
541
00:20:51,976 --> 00:20:53,810
Good night, Day.
542
00:21:06,890 --> 00:21:08,647
♪ Love put me wise
543
00:21:08,694 --> 00:21:10,562
♪ to her love in disguise
544
00:21:10,595 --> 00:21:12,563
♪ she had the body of Venus
545
00:21:12,591 --> 00:21:15,059
♪ lord, imagine my surprise
546
00:21:15,075 --> 00:21:16,776
♪ ah, ah
547
00:21:16,784 --> 00:21:18,931
♪ dude looks like a lady
548
00:21:18,955 --> 00:21:20,676
♪ oh, oh
549
00:21:20,702 --> 00:21:22,841
♪ dude looks like a lady
550
00:21:22,859 --> 00:21:24,635
♪ oh, oh
551
00:21:24,667 --> 00:21:26,885
♪ dude looks like a lady
552
00:21:26,903 --> 00:21:28,654
♪ ow, ow
553
00:21:28,673 --> 00:21:31,585
♪ dude looks like a lady
554
00:21:31,650 --> 00:21:34,363
♪ ow...
555
00:21:34,398 --> 00:21:36,672
Like the movie Mrs. Doubtfire.
556
00:21:36,971 --> 00:21:39,928
♪ Dude looks like a lady.
557
00:21:39,949 --> 00:21:44,949
Sync and corrections by Norther
www.addic7ed.com