All right, we're just getting home.
Dad just had his wisdom teeth taken out,
and he's still loopy from the anesthesia.
In the car, he was fascinated with the power door locks.
See what he does now.
Yeah, I know this place.
Okay, let's get you on the couch.
Oh, wait, hang on a second.
All righty, now, sit.
Wait, oh, oh, hang on a second.
Happy anniversary, honey.
Honey, it's still a week away.
Did you get these from the fazios' garden?
You can't just rip these from the ground!
That little man with the pointy red hat
didn't seem to mind it.
Dad was talking to a garden gnome.
Awesome!
Hey, we will celebrate when you feel better.
- Oh! I feel great. - Okay? Yeah?
No, I feel really... I feel better than great, honey.
I'm...
I-I feel like a yellow balloon.
Boy, losing his wisdom teeth made him dumb as a rock.
I'm gonna go and replant these in the fazios' garden.
So keep an eye on him, em, please.
Are you kidding? I can't look away!
II love my kids, I do, I love you.
And I love mommy too. I...
I love mommy more than I love my first wife.
Say what, now?
You were married before?
Who told you?
- Does mom know? - Of course mom knows.
Come on!
She knows, but I'm not gonna say another word about it.
Her name was Nicole Lloyd.
She's from L.A.
It was 2,500 years ago.
We were only married for ten hours.
Is this her?
Wow, how did you do that?
She's on Facebook.
She still lives here, in the valley.
How do you have a marriage that lasts ten hours?
Joe, the key is communication and patience.
Dad, I'm gonna get these two something to eat.
Don't get married again while we're gone.
Okay.
Mm, Facebook.
Hi, Nicole.
You'll never guess who this is.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
- Joe, you have a Facebook page? - Yeah.
I figured if you could find dad's first wife,
who knows who I could reconnect with from my past?
You're ten. You don't have a past.
Yeah, well, look who I just friend requested.
Joe Hogan, my best Bud from first grade.
Oh, I remember him.
He was the other rock collector.
Yeah, we used to hang out all the time
until he moved away. We called ourselves the "Joe ho's."
Never really caught on, though.
Didn't you guys have, like, your own secret language?
It was called "Lorking."
as IN: Emi-Lork is a stupi-Lork.
Ooh, if only I could crack the code.
Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, whose car is in the driveway?
A big-Lorkin surprise-Lork.
Joe, I asked you not to lork in front of me.
I don't get it, and I don't like it.
Hey, Amy, whose car... Oh, hi.
- David... - Oh!
Look who's here.
It's Nicole, your first wife.
Oh, David! It's been, like, forever!
- Nicole. - Yeah!
Wow.
Ah! Told you "Wow" Would be in some part of his opening.
Didn't I?
So, David,
- what ya thinkin'? - Oh.
I have a-a whole lot racing
through my head, right now, but I keep coming back to "wow."
And... and a close second is "Why?"
Well, you invited me on Facebook.
And coming on the outside is, "I know how to use Facebook?"
All these years you told me about Nicole,
you never mentioned the "tall, sexy blonde" thing.
- Did you? - I didn't? Really?
- That's kind of weird. - Uh-Uh, uh-Uh.
Who remembers Jamaica 25 years ago?
- Oh. - It was a crazy weekend.
Just, you know... Just drawing a Blank here.
Oh, you...
You know that we were never really married.
Marcus and I had
that wedding package deal thing
- to Jamaica where... - Mm-hmm.
It included the hotel and the air and a free beach ceremony.
And you fake-Married Nicole. David, you told me the whole story.
- But I never saw the video. - No.
Whoo!
There's a video?
I dug it out when I got your message.
I had saved it 'cause I didn't want it falling into the wrong hands, you know.
Oh, yeah.
Too late.
You know, Nicole, since I've met you,
six hours ago,
I'm having the time of my life.
Let's make it last...
Another six hours!
Yeah! Whoo-Hoo!
Whoo-Hoo! We're married!
Yeah! Bring on the free food!
- Yeah! - Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Let's get naked!
I wanna get naked!
I don't care! Getting naked!
Whoo! I'm naked!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Aah! I'm on fire!
Waah! And I'm naked!
Yeah! I need the ocean now.
Need the ocean.
- I'm on fire! - Whoo!
Aah!
- Aah! - Whoo!
If we run this backwards, could I un-See that?
This is not appropriate for children.
This isn't appropriate for anybody!
Wow.
For a fake wedding, that was a...
pretty spectacular setting.
- I know, yeah. - Hmm?
- Best sunsets in the world. - Hmm.
Your husband here knows how to throw a wedding.
- Doesn't he? - Oh, yeah.
Hey, where was yours? Wait, don't tell me.
Four seasons, Maui?
Close.
Courthouse, west Covina.
Oh!
And we were so busy with work, we kind of rushed it and got 'er done.
Yeah, but you looked beautiful,
and you still do.
17 years married and still counting.
Oh, it's so great that you two are still together.
"That which does not kill you," Nicole.
Oh, hey, listen, I better get going.
- All right. - So soon?
Yeah, Amy, it was great to meet you.
Great to meet you, and I got to say, sweetheart,
this was fun.
Yes, it was.
And, David, it was fun to see you again.
- Yes. - Oh, come here, you!
Oh!
Yes, good times.
Yeah, Bye.
Wow, she did not age well.
So you take the rabbit ear, right?
And you put it through the hole.
- Daddy? - Yes.
Does the other Janie know how to tie her shoes?
- What other Janie? - Well, you had another wife.
I thought you had another Janie.
Oh, no, baby.
No, no, no, no, no. Come here.
Listen to me.
I only have one wife.
And her name is mommy, okay?
And I only have one Janie, and her name is Janie.
And I'm your favorite, right?
Well, I have three favorites.
But I'm your favorite favorite, right?
Yeah, okay, you got me there.
Mommy, can you tie my shoe?
Mm-hmm.
So we ever gonna get to see yourwedding video, mom?
Well, em, unless the courthouse in west Covina
has security footage, I kind of doubt it.
You want to know what my dream wedding is?
I'm marrying channing Tatum.
But during our vows, Zac Efron objects,
and they rip off their shirts and have an abs contest...
Battling for my love.
At mine, my Prince rides in on a zebra.
Oh, and he's super rich.
Didn't you ever want a real wedding, mom?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Your father and I did plan on having a wedding
when work slowed down.
The Malibu Cliffs Hotel.
And I had this beautiful dress designed, sweetie.
And our first dance was gonna be
as the sun set over the ocean.
Uh, didn't they do a wedding like that on Dad's show?
Yep, your dad told Marcus,
and he used it for the finale.
Dress and all, so there went that.
Look, Joe Hogan finally accepted my friend request.
Oh, I miss the Joe ho's.
You two were so a-Lork-Able.
Check out his profile.
He's got six skateboarding trophies,
a black belt, and he's in a band.
- Is that him with Taylor Swift? - Yeah.
Hey, maybe if we start hanging out together again
some of his cool will rub off on me.
He's a fifth grader, not a Genie.
That Nicole was not a big fan of wearing clothes,
which I greatly admire about her.
I'm coming in.
Please turn the video off.
I really can't handle seeing anything else on fire.
- Mr. Barnes. - Hey, Emily, how you doing there?
Hey. Glad to see you.
Um, Mary said she needed her science book back,
so if you could, uh, get this to her.
Okay, just give me the book, and I'll deliver it to her.
Got the book, make sure she gets it.
You guys are gonna have
to make eye contact eventually.
Emily, your dad is right. I think...
- Too soon! - Okay.
I'm just gonna go on out of here.
- Night. - Good night, Emily.
Emily, look, you're okay
with all this Nicole stuff, right?
- I'm fine, dad. - Okay.
But it's not me you have to worry about.
Oh, oh, I've already spoken to Janie.
Is Joe okay?
No, no, no, it's not Joe.
Well, I only have three kids. Who else is left?
I'm home!
Hi.
Oh, hey...
mom!
Hi, honey.
So anyone want to know how my day was?
Yeah, in a second, honey.
I'm just trying to figure out something with Emily. Um...
Guess who's getting married on all the days?
Me!
Dr. Sarah Desario.
To Colonel James Cunningham,
the 90-year-Old oil Baron
whose breath is a lethal combo
of day-old egg foo young and death.
Congratulations.
Yeah. So let's see here.
Uh, you have a wild wedding on an exotic island,
then you have my dream wedding on your show,
and now, I'm having a wedding
on the anniversary of ourwedding,
which... Let's just call it what it was.
Sucky. Hmm?
Worst wedding-luck ever.
Right here.
Oh, I got it.
Emily, I'm gonna throw mom a great redo wedding
for our anniversary.
- Nice. - Okay.
Let's get back to what we were talking about. Now, is it Joe...
and you're covering for him?
I read you like a book.
I knew it was him. Where is he?
Joe!
Daddy, why don't you have this for a wedding cake?
It's the biggest cake I've ever seen.
Well, honey, a woman pops out of that cake,
and, trust me, that would not help dad one bit.
A woman who lives in the cake?
That's what I wanna do when I grow up.
Don't say that, baby.
Don't ever say that again!
- He's here. - Joe, relax.
It's not like it's a first date.
WelLork-Come to my home-Lork, Joe-Lork.
You're still lorking?
No, no.
I kinda remember your house being bigger than this.
This whole place could fit in my pool house.
Wow.
So how's your family?
Good. My mom remarried.
Maybe you've, uh, heard of my stepdad... Harrison Ford.
Your stepdad's Indiana Jones?
Don't go spreading that around.
So do you still collect rocks?
Gave it up. Got 'em all.
So is there a bed in the cake
where the lady lives?
Yes.
Does she eat her walls for breakfast?
Maybe.
Does she have a welcome sign that says, "home sweet home"?
'Cause it would be true.
That was actually pretty clever.
Mmhmm.
Good news, David. I got the dress.
Carol from wardrobe found it in storage.
Oh, beautiful. Should we send her a thank-you card?
Oh, actually, she said you could just send her back the black leather jacket
you took from daddy's bad to the bone.
Oh, no way. She said I could keep it.
- Yeah, she said you'd say that. - Okay.
Now I got the dress.
That's a start.
Can the cake lady invite her girlfriends over to play?
Yes, baby girl, but that gets quite expensive.
Can't believe you can fly a plane.
It's not a plane, Joe. It's a jumbo jet.
Joe, can I talk to you a sec?
I'll be right back.
Joe, open your eyes.
I mean, seriously,
his stepdad is Indiana Jones?
Whose stepdad is Indiana Jones?
Joe Hogan's.
Yeah, I don't think so, Joe.
He's playing you.
Oh, I get it, Emily.
You're just trying to make me feel better because he's so much cooler than me.
Joe, when was the last time I tried to make you feel better?
Uh... never?
- Dad, I don't get it. - What?
We used to be such good friends.
Why would he lie to me?
Well, um, Joe, I don't know.
Maybe, you know, he's probably going through a tough time right now
with his parents splitting up and all, right?
Sometimes people, to make themselves feel good,
they have to pretend
that their lives are better than they are.
So he just makes stuff up?
Exactly.
Even great actors, such as myself,
can't turn fantasy into reality.
I mean, I could on the show,
but then I had Marcus and a whole crew of guys
turning dreams into life, right?
And believe me, if I had the time,
I would have the crew come out here,
and they would build mom a fantastic surprise wedding
for our anniversary tomorrow.
- I think I get it, dad. - Okay.
- Dad. - Yeah.
Mom's getting married tomorrow
on an already-Built wedding chapel set.
Well, thank you, Nancy naysayer.
Thank you for reminding me that we can't do it then.
I give up.
Go ahead, give up!
I'm just gonna stay here until I...
Hey, wait a minute.
Yes, mom, yes, Yes.
Yeah, I'm wearing sunscreen. I'm fine, yes.
Bye, mom.
That was Taylor Swift.
We're dating.
That's cool. Wanna play a video game?
Sure.
All right, people, we have to do this one again.
Uh, Amy, try to act like you love the man.
Amy, Amy.
When we kiss... And we will...
don't be afraid to get all up in this, huh?
All right, everybody, let's shoot one.
Clear the set, please.
All right, stand by.
And... action.
We are gathered here
to unite Colonel James Richard Cunningham
with Dr. Sarah Desario
in holy matrimony.
Does anyone have any reason
why these two should not be wed?
Speak Now, or forever hold your peace.
I object!
David, my real-Life husband.
What are you doing out here in Fort patina falls?
Dr. Sarah Desario,
will you marry me all over again?
Say "Yes," mommy!
Of course I'll marry you all over again.
My wedding dress?
Oh!
And...
Cue backdrop.
Oh. David.
Happy anniversary, honey.
Oh, sweetie.
Doesn't anyone have the decency
to tell me about the changes in the script?
I'm aghast! I'm appalled!
I could have a heart attack!
I'm having a heart attack!
Honey, I'm... I'm sorry.
You really do have the worst wedding-Luck ever.
Please, old parrot-Tongue thinks he's having a heart attack every single week, okay?
Trust me, it's gas.
- We're doin' this. - Okay.
You've got to be kidding with me.
Became an ordained minister to make some extra cash.
Dearly beloved...
a long time ago,
in a galaxy far, far away...
Star Wars?
Oh, I was ordained online.
By the temple of the jedi order.
"As the jedi teach us,
- take marriage lightly not." - Okay, I got it.
I got it, let me take it from here.
Okay, thank you.
Good work seriously, good work.
Um...
Amy...
17 years ago...
in a courtroom far, far away...
you gave me the happiest day of my life.
And now I hope that I can...
give you yours.
You are, David.
Oh.
I love you. Mmm.
Thanks again for giving me my wedding, David.
You should Facebook your ex-Wife more often.
Hey, this is our wedding night.
It's not over yet.
- David... - No, not that, silly.
Now listen,
you once told me that you always wanted
to dance to one particular wedding song.
- Mm-Hmm, mm-hmm. - Follow me.
♪ I'll reach out my hand to you ♪
♪ I'll have faith ♪
♪ In all you do ♪
♪ Just call my name ♪
♪ And I'll be there ♪
♪ I'll be there with love that's strong ♪
♪ I'll be your strength ♪
♪ I'll keep holding on ♪
♪ Just call my name ♪
♪ I'll be there ♪
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