First thing, wake up, keurig's broken.
- Ugh. - No coffee. Yeah.
So I drive to Starbucks, 'cause I can't function.
I get out of the car,
phone flies off of my lap onto the asphalt...
Screen cracks.
Oh, no!
I'm staring at the crack, pissed as shit,
'cause I just got the new 5S and the new plan.
Take that shit back. Tell 'em that it came that way.
Yeah, they might replace it if you get the right genius.
Of course, what do I notice?
This isn't even a part of the story.
One of my apps is missing.
The icon from the home screen.
Somehow I deleted it. - Yeah, butt-deleted.
Only I don't know which one's gone,
'cause it's gone, and I won't figure it out.
Until you need to use it. I fucking hate that.
Fucking hate!
So, now, it gets better.
I order at Starbucks, and they ask my name.
No one ever hears my name right.
Ainsley. No one ever gets that.
So I say "Jim," and he writes "Jim" on the cup.
Only now my coffee's ready, and they call out "Jim."
I've forgotten I'm Jim.
Which wouldn't be a problem. - Let me guess.
- Another fucking Jim. - Ugh!
Asshole walks off with my soy chai latte,
and I end up with his whole milk whatever the fuck.
But, of course, I don't realize it
till I'm back in the car and I'm 2/3rds through the venti,
thinking this tastes a little different.
- And aren't you... - Lactose intolerant!
Yes, and so now I finished a venti of cow's milk.
So I pull into walgreens for some lactaid
so I don't get diarrhea.
'Cause that's what dairy gives me... diarrhea.
Mm. - Oh, my freakin' God.
So have you...
No, I still haven't shit my pants.
- Yay! - Genius of lactaid.
But the day ain't over yet, Sheila.
- Oh, bless your heart. - Mm-hmm.
I know, I know. #firstworldproblems.
Some poor soul's actually suffering out there.
Mmmmm. Don't do that.
It is okay for you to be irritated.
Really?
Ainsley, we are used to the life that we're used to.
- Oh! - You're allowed to be annoyed.
Good God.
Lunch. All right.
Okay, Sheila. - Thank you.
Assaaahss...
It's mine!
Can I interest you two in a dessert of some sort?
I already hit up a vending machine.
On the lactaid. Figured, why not a twinkie?
You little fat ass. I love it.
Can't remember the last time I had a twinkie.
Shut the fuck up.
Pickles in the tuna fish?
You don't take the pickle?
I
Pickles make everything else taste like pickles.
- I specifically asked... - He did.
Could this day possibly get any worse?
You know what they say about zombie attacks.
You always remember your first time.
Any guesses who's gonna survive this one?
Choose fast.
Hey!
Maybe you would've chosen the sandwich guy
if you knew where this scene took place...
A little state called Florida.
A little town called...
Tallahassee.
Welcome...
To Zombieland.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
Z-land is like a greatest hits collection of nightmares.
The only one not included is the one where I'm naked for my final exam.
A deadly virus has made off with everyone's brains.
My friends and I are among the few non-zombies left,
thanks to a little list.
Cardio...
Tops all my rules for surviving Zombieland.
Zombies lead a very active lifestyle.
So should you.
Never know when you're gonna be running for your life...
Or some other almost-as-important reason.
Here's to enjoying the little things.
Happy fourth of July.
Who's telling him it's mid-June?
I'm Columbus. Not my real name.
In Zombieland, we go by the cities we're from.
Tallahassee's idea.
Keeps us from getting too attached.
That's Wichita.
I love her, but she's put up more walls
than a north Korean chain gang.
Her kid sister Little Rock, after all she's seen, trying hard to stay a kid.
And finally, the floridian himself,
a zombie-killing, us-annoying legend.
All right, here comes the big finale.
Whoo-hoo hoo!
Yeah! Whoo!
Whoo! Look at that!
I did that! Ah!
Perfect.
I don't know. It was missing something.
It's George Washington's birthday.
Our tongues are red, white, and blue from eating bullet pops.
I just blew up an entire fireworks factory.
What could possibly be missing?
Your frontal lobe?
Are we just letting the "Washington's birthday" thing go?
Maybe he was born on June 17th.
Answer me.
What's missing?
Can't you hear?
All of a sudden, I knew.
It wasn't what we could hear.
It was what we couldn't.
The "oohs" and "ahhs" of a crowd,
the laughter of friends, the chatter of children.
People.
What good is fun if there's no one to share it with?
Look, I'm just saying that she's right.
I mean, we've been wandering around L.A. for what,
a month now, and...
We need to think about our future, okay?
Humanity's future.
I mean, there is no future without people.
Tell him what we think about people.
Go on, tell him.
- People suck. - People suck.
What is so great about people?
They're responsible for everything bad that's ever happened to anyone.
- Okay, that's not true, though. - He's right.
Shark attacks. - Tsunamis.
Slavery, World War ii, the inquisition.
- Head lice. - Oh! I once had head lice.
Though I got it from a girlfriend.
She was technically a person.
Sorry. - That's okay.
We prefer you on her side of the argument.
Look, I know that you're skeptical, but...
Okay, haven't you ever heard that saying, "it takes a village"?
"It takes a village."
Nope, I don't think I've ever heard that saying.
Ugh.
And where are we gonna find this village?
Onstar. How can I help you?
Detroit. Tallahassee.
Tally, sweet pea. Happy slap.
I miss you kids!
You don't write. You don't call.
How you doing, baby? - Better now.
Quit!
You float my boat, beautiful.
I tell you, when I hear your voice, mm!
And you put the awesome in my blossom.
Meet Detroit, the badass ex-onstar operator
who's now the guardian angel of Zombieland,
- our eye in the sky. - Whatcha need, cuddle cakes?
We were hoping that you might be able to lead us
to other survivors.
Then you've come to the right roadside assistant.
Sitting down? Silly question.
I just found a big safe community
on the eastern seaboard.
Fishers island, New York, to be exact... zombie-free.
See?
- Gosh, it would be so nice to put down some roots and call someplace... - Home.
Magic word.
Ever since I found a family, all I've ever wanted to be, to feel is home.
Where we come from, home is a four-letter word.
You wanna go across the country to find some community you know nothing about?
That's the kind of stupid you have rules for.
For once, your big sis may be right.
And the east coast is 50,000 miles away.
Ish.
With a lot of mindless meat lovers in between.
Okay, well, maybe we don't have to find a village.
Maybe we can found one. You know, we can start it up.
We can gather our own people.
Why couldn't we start a community?
Survivors are few, but they're out there.
Let's see. Bingo!
Corner of venice and grand.
Rule number 33...
Good luck, God bless, and thank you for using onstar.
Okay, so it's settled.
People.
Three against one.
Whatever.
Zombie kill of the week?
Week's not over yet.
Morning!
Could use a little company.
Join us? - Marvelous.
Ah, it is marvelous.
Yeah.
Well, his temperament seems sunny, as do his windows.
Remember this day
as the start of a brand-new band of brothers.
God, finally some new blood.
Well, fuck me!
I know what you're thinking.
These two lovebirds should be busy repopulating earth
like Adam and Eve. Or Sarah Connor and Kyle Reese.
Whoo!
Talk about the post-apocalypse.
You know, I do all my best thinking
with my pants around my ankles...
Oh, you don't say.
And it just occurred to me
why you've been wearing that sad bunny face.
Could he possibly be on to me?
The truth is Wichita and I broke up...
A couple of weeks ago,
not too long after our first kiss.
- Heading down the track! - Yeah! Faster!
- Yeah, she spins out! - Faster!
- Burning rubber! - Whoo!
1, 2, 3!
Whoo!
Yes!
"Newbie dad: Crash course in fatherhood."
Yeah, this is...
I don't wanna be an actual father. Let's just be clear about that.
I just, um... I'm just reading that to...
Relate to Little Rock.
- Okay. - Mm-hmm.
Um, she's not your daughter.
No, she's like a sister-in-law, you know?
Mm, I wouldn't say that.
Um, she's more like my girlfriend's sister, then.
Hadn't really discussed the "g" word.
Yeah, but we're dating, right?
Dating.
Right. - Yeah.
Uh, you know, it occurs to me that we know each other,
but we don't actually know each other.
Like, um, where would be your favorite place to honeymoon?
Okay, I'm sorry. Maybe that was...
What's your first grade teacher's name?
Um...
What's your favorite bottled water?
Columbus, you are... You're so nice.
And I-I'm so...
Sorry.
I mean, we gotta slow this down. - Oh, man.
Likelike way down.
Okay, but, Krista...
Can we please just go back to Wichita?
You're revoking my Krista privileges?
I j...
Okay, just be honest. Is there someone else?
So you see, Wichita and I had already slowed it down.
Way down.
Maybe it was a good thing.
This family's plenty dysfunctional.
You're upset because you wanna back up that badonkadonk.
♪ Back it up! ♪ Back it up!
What? Okay.
All right, wait. Look, look, look, look.
No one likes getting thrown out at home.
But be patient, sad bunny. She likes you.
I have no idea why, but she does.
Trust me. You'll get another at-bat.
Look, in the immortal words of Wichita herself, "whatever."
I don't think it's gonna happen.
All right, I can't stand seeing you like this.
Which is why I'm gonna teach you
how to do something whenever you feel low, okay?
Ha, here we go.
I just want you to imagine
that you've been dead and gone a long time.
And God comes up to you and he says,
"son, I'm gonna let you go back down to earth and live
"for five minutes.
But only five."
- Okay. - Are you following me?
- Yes. I'm following. - All right.
Now, I want you to imagine
that those five minutes start right...
Now.
It's hard to take advice from a guy who asks for a price check at the 99¢ store.
But he may be on to something.
Right there in front of you. 6th street bridge.
Hope your tummies are rumbling.
Mmm! Sister can cook it up.
We've had our last hot pocket.
Try not to kill her this time.
Girl scout cookies!
I am a sucker for thank you Berry munches.
- So, Regina. - Mm-mm. "Re-gyna."
Kinda like vagina, but with an "er."
Sorry. For real? Vagina?
Overunder on how many times he says the word "vagina"?
That counted as one.
Those of you at home, feel free to play along.
I really can't tell you how happy we are to have you.
- About to get happier. - Why is that?
- Taste my boysenberry pie. - Oh, my God.
- What? - You've got to be kidding me.
Oh, my God. - Oh.
No way this is happening.
- Regina, thank you. - Oh, my God.
- Shut up! - There is nothing worth eating
that doesn't make your teeth a different color.
Welcome to the family, vagina with an "r."
- I love you. - This is good pie.
- I love you. - You are one of us now.
And membership has its privileges.
Columbus here's got these rules for surviving Zombieland.
He's got a vagina.
But they're absolutely foolproof.
Oh, I am this close to losing every last bit of my shit.
So unfucking fair...
To let me picture a life without hot pockets.
How about an anger lap?
Race?
You know, you can't help but think
how quickly it can all end...
With unfinished business.
Really?
What'd you do with that pie?
What? Sue me.
She took a number. God called it.
There was nothing we could do.
Rule number 19 for surviving Zombieland:
Ziploc bags. - Thank you Berry munches.
You're welcome.
You have something on your face by the way.
You know, I'm not your poppy,
but you should quit that.
Video games?
They will rot your brain faster than a zombie bite.
Besides, there ain't been a good one since Ms. Pac-Man.
- Ms. Pac-Man. - Yeah.
There was this thing called the 20th century.
Here we go.
Ms. Pac-Man was kinda like Pac-Man,
but in drag.
She had red lipstick, mascara,
and a bow in her hair.
- She had hair? - Actually, you know what?
You're right, she was bald. They were both bald.
- And she had a big mole on her face. - Yeah, big ol' facial mole right here.
And she and Pac-Man would just go around and eat.
I mean, they would just eat everything that came by, just bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop.
Until they met. - And then they kissed.
So imagine a yellow bald guy
just going around stuffing his cheeks,
and then just macking out with another yellow bald guy.
- With a big mole on his face. - In drag.
I'm sorry I missed that.
You know, if Detroit's right,
this guy's supposed to be a great mechanic.
Great. I can't wait to meet him.
He's probably a really nice guy too.
And he can make a great addition.
If he makes it to noon.
Phew.
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Who holes up in a shit-shack like this?
Hey! Hey!
I'm Tallahassee.
This is Columbus, Little Rock, and Wichita.
Eugene! Oregon!
I'll be right down!
No, no, no, no. Stop! Stop!
Stay right there. We're coming to you.
All right, listen up.
Eugene is the president. We are the secret service.
I'll take a bullet if I have to.
Taste his food, lay down my life.
But he is not dying on our watch, understood?
Understood.
What?
Understood.
You got it?
Let's do this.
So fired up right now.
Finally some people to play Boggle with.
It's lonely.
You get to thinking,
something happens to me...
No one's gonna even know.
All right, Zuckerberg, don't get all...
Va-geena on us.
Nothing's gonna happen to you, trust us.
You're one of us now, Eugene. And membership has its privileges.
Tell him what he's won, Columbus.
Oh, yeah, I have these rules for surviving Zombieland.
Shh!
Did you hear that?
I gotcha.
Don't worry. Where's the trust?
Aah!
Fucking...
Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
We are cursed!
We... are... cursed!
We're cursed!
It's like we picked up Bobby Brady's ass-reaming tiki idol...
And it's just tipping us over, and just ramming us in the...
Ah!
Please don't ask me who Bobby Brady is right now,
or I'll lose my shit
more than I lost it a second ago, okay?
It's not funny.
It's the tiniest bit funny.
It ain't over yet.
Destination's on the left. Cutest old couple.
Could be your town elders.
But, sweet Jesus, be careful!
They're my last two folks in L.A.
Thank you for using onstar.
Yoohoo!
Meals on wheels!
Maybe they've fallen and they can't get up.
- Hello! - Hello?
- It smells like bengay.
Hello!
"Bubbee."
Huh? Oh.
Um, I think it's bubbie, actually.
- Uh, and peepaw. - Aw!
They're, like, so cute.
You gotta admit it's touching.
God bless the greatest generation.
They remind me of Nana and Zadie a little bit.
And grammu and gampu.
And gray-gray and muffer.
Graygray and muffer?
Grammu and gampu?
- Are you crying? - Nah.
Allergies.
You know, L.A. dust storms, San Gabriels.
Okay, the point is, we all had our grandmother and grandfather,
- and now they're gone. - Kinda bringing down the room.
Well, I just... I think we should...
I mean, we should probably keep searching the house, right?
I can't wait to meet bubbie and poopie.
Peepaw.
It's bubbie and peepaw.
Oh, great.
Hello?
Okay.
One thing about Zombieland,
you can never feel clean enough.
O...kay!
Oh. Okay.
Bubbie.
Right. Bubbie. I'm so sorry.
Bubbie and poppy.
Peepaw! Damn it.
Can you guys still hear me?
If so, you should know that, um,
my Nana once mistakenly wrote me a birthday check for $10,000,
and I didn't cash it, I promise.
Ahh!
Ah!
Shit!
Oh, my God!
Help me, please!
They're not as cute as gray-gray and muffer.
Come on.
Aah!
No! Aah!
Oh, God!
Peepaw! Bambi!
- Bubbie! - Right.
Look!
I love you two old birds.
But do not make me do this.
All right. You get the horns.
Ooh...
Oh...
I could really use a can of ensure right now.
There are two more angels in heaven.
They were too good for this world.
There's nothing more romantic
than an old couple dying within minutes of one another.
Yeah, that's because you smashed their heads in
with a fireplace poker.
This is really, really fucked up.
Hey, ho! Language.
But you're right. It is.
Zombie kill of the week?
A close second, actually, to...
Jorge Lortez of Fort Worth, Texas.
That was pretty cool when I...
smacked that...
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank... you.
- Well, it was... - Uh...
Oh! Oh! Oh, my God.
- Ugh. - Yeah.
Oh, that's... that's in there.
- That's really gross. - Yeah.
Fiji.
Favorite honeymoon.
Bottled water.
I'll take it.
Don't say it. Another man down?
We still haven't met that special someone.
But we just ditched our "va-hinas" back in Burbank.
So we're ready to aim for that paradise
on the eastern seaboard.
- A place to call home. - Mm.
It's only 50,000 miles away.
Ish.
Tell you what.
You head east.
I'll call fishers island, get 'em to roll out the red carpet.
Take care of your handsome selves.
God bless and thank you for using onstar.
Does she sound hot to you?
God.
People in the telecommunications industry
usually are, so...
If she's got a sister...
Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?
Somewhere between us and fishers island
lies the motor city.
Detroit or bust?
I hear it's nice this time of year.
That's what I'm talking about.
- De-troit! - Hey, guys.
Hmm?
Do you want some pie?
- Yes! - Yes, we do!
Ah, pie!
Wait, can I have it first though?
- Yeah, go give it to her. - Yeah, no...
'Cause I'm the kid.
- All right, okay, all right. - No! I'm going first.
A semi-wise man once said,
"picture you've been dead a long time
"and God comes to you and says,
"'I'm gonna let you go back down to earth and live...
"'For five minutes.
But only five.'"
which five would you choose?
Here's a hint.
Don't think about the where or the when.
Think about the who.
In the meantime, adventure awaits,
and so do 5 billion zombies.
Best settle your bets quick. That was six "vaginas."
Yeah, "muffer" does count.
Till next time, Vegas, anyone?
This is Columbus, Ohio, saying "good night."
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
That is moist... vagina.
Don't get all "vageena" on us.
We just ditched our "vahanas."
Vagina. Gavina.
Vageens.
Vagina. Vagine-gines.
I could eat this, vagina...
Vagenie-geens. Vagina.
"Va-hina." "Va-vanahas."
This is delicious... vagina.
Mm, can I have some more? This is really good.
That came out wrong.
Think there's a comma in there somewhere.
This is really, really fucked up.
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.